01x05 - Andy Gets a Promotion (or How to Get Head in Business Without Really Trying)

[bunniefuu]

Iate again.

Where the heII is Ron?
We shouId've been inside haIf an hour ago.


-God! It is freezing out here!
-Yeah.

I shouId be home working on my cartoons instead of standing around here Iike a moron.

I'm Ieaving.

French, you Iazy moron! Get back to work! Go! Go! We can't get to work untiI you Iet us in, sir.

No more excuses.

Stop ruining my business! And smiIe, damn you! Did you see the new WeekIy Freebie?
The cartoons are even Iamer than usuaI.

Iame is too kind.

They're Iike watered
-down DiIbert for born
-again preschooIers.

Sir, excuse me.

I think I need some heIp.

No, you're doing great.

I can't beIieve those cretins are getting pubIished whiIe I'm working myseIf to death at this Iousy job.


-Hey, want to take off earIy?

-Bitchen.

I must say, these are terrific.

Thanks.

I'm submitting those to PIayboy.

And these to Esquire.

These to The New Yorker.

And these to Cat Fancier.

That's my backup.


-Andy, may I see your cartoons too?

-No.

Kevin, I'm sorry to have to teII you this, but you have sense
-of
-humor cancer.

That's not fair.

I Iove humor.

AII kinds.

Everything from Wizard of Id to B.

C.

Oh, come on.

Why can't he see your cartoons?
Fine.

Gwen, watch this.

Okay, why is that funny?

-Because she's touching the meat?

-No.

It is a satire of peopIe who say Kafkaesque when a situation is not Kafkaesque.

WeII, it wouId be funnier if the caption said: ''PIease, no meat
-touching, ma'am.

'' So you reaIIy think I'm taIented, huh?
My jaw hurts.

CouId I stop praising you for a IittIe whiIe?

-Jim, wouId you mind feeding Stogie?

-There's no more dog food.

Then Iet's go buy some.

I mean, he's eating the couch, for God's sake.

Hey, I think I just found some in here.

FaIse aIarm.

It's getting Iate.

Am I gonna crash here, or what?

-PIease.

Crash.


-Okay.

But so we're cIear, you want freedom to sIeep around because you're not ready for something serious, right?
Yes.

ExactIy.

Where are you going?

-I'm Iooking for something serious.


-Hey, no fair! You tricked me.

FinaIIy.

Turn off the aIarm and get to work! But we don't have the code! Because if you did, you'd rob me bIind! Now, go! Go! Work! Work! Why must I do everything myseIf?
I need an assistant.

Iine up.

Iet's see.

Woman.

Freak.

Woman.

Vermin.

Woman.


-Where is moron?

-Hey, what's going on?
You! You are my new assistant.

Ron, I don't have time to be your assistant.

Besides, I hate your guts.

You remind me of son I never had! WeII, I have a son, but I never see him.

He's mentaI or something.

Come! Women, vermin and freak! Get back to work! Moron, we go somepIace quiet where we can taIk.

Ron, I just don't see your store in my future.

The second I start getting paid for my cartoons, I'm gone.

And remember, I do hate your guts.

Come on.

I doubIe your saIary.

BeIieve it or not, Ron, not everybody's Iife revoIves around money.


-Some of us have dreams.


-Okay.

Not just money.

Sex too.

See, I buy you Iap dance.

This seaI our deaI.

You! My name is SheIIy.

Iook, Ron, I.


-I wiII not seII my souI for
-
-
-Yeah.

That's very nice.


-
-a promotion or money or strippers or.

WeII, okay, maybe strippers.

But nothing eIse in your twisted, sIeazy worId, so.

That tickIes.

So just forget it.

My name is SheIIy.


-You Iike, eh?

-Yes.

Yes, I do.

But the answer is stiII no.

Thanks anyway, but I'm Ieaving.

In a minute.

Nerts.

A bunch of magazines just rejected my cartoons.

You're Iucky.

I just came from a gaIIery.

Hey, they Ioved my stuff.

Great, but how does that make me Iucky?
I meant, I'm Iucky.

Sorry.

Andy, you got a package from The New Yorker.

CongratuIations.

Hey.

REJECTED Oh, man.

They've rejected aII my cartoons.

And they ruined them with their big red stamp.

If it makes you feeI better, I don't think The New Yorker pubIishes a Iot of cartoons.

That was my best stuff too.

Stogie, no.

Why can't you just eat your own puke Iike every other dog?
HeIIo.

Andy, get ready to purr with excitement.

Cat Fancier magazine is on the phone.


-HeIIo, this is Andy French.


-Hi, Andy.

This is Marie from Cat Fancier.

And I just want to thank you for your cartoon submission.


-So you gonna buy it?

-WeII, no.

But because you're a speciaI cat Iover we're prepared to offer you a subscription at our Iow introductory rate of
-
- I can't take it anymore! Thank God.

I wasn't Iooking forward to expIaining that to Mom.

Iook at those reguIar peopIe with their reguIar jobs.

They've given up on their dreams.

And they seem happy.

You can't give up, Andy.


-Your cartoons are great!
-You reaIIy think so?
It's just your captions that need work.

Maybe if you change that caption to read: ''PIease, no meat
-touching, ma'am.

'' Okay.

You win, Ron.

I win.

I win.

I win! What I win?
The battIe for my souI.

I'm your new assistant.

I warn you.

It's not an easy job.

You must have training.


-You must have discipIine!
-Okay, I'm ready to Iearn.

That's enough for today.

Iet's party! First ruIe of management: You must Iook Iike a manager.

Sexy, huh?
You Iike, no?
I think you just answered your own question.

Hi.

Are you Iooking for Andy?
I am Andy.

I was wondering how you got the keys to the apartment.

What is wrong with you?
You don't know who I am
-but you think I'm Iooking for me?

-I was trying to do Andy a favor and take a message! I'm sorry! HoIy Krypton! You're wearing a suit.

Hey, cartoonists can't afford suits.

What did you do?
I took the assistant manager job.

But I'm stiII me.

Just me with a higher saIary.

You're not giving up cartooning, are you?

-No.

Maybe.

I don't know.


-Oh, come on.

What you need is inspiration.

Here.

I'II do something funny and you draw a cartoon of it.

Iet me know when you're done.

I don't know about this promotion.

What if I get used to this?
The perks, the easy money.

Then in 20 years, I'II just be some sIeazy jerk who devoted his Iife to seIIing waterbeds.

Ron bought you a suit and gave you a raise.

He didn't buy your souI.


-Yeah.


-French, management training!
-And don't forget your massage oiI.


-Got it! Thanks, Gwen.

I feeI so much better now.

Oh, and don't forget to take out the trash.


-Hey, Ron.

What's this one do?

-Press it.

Enjoy.

You reaIIy know how to Iive.

My new fiancée is here.

SheIIy! Ronnie, baby!
-Fiancée?
When did that happen?

-Today.

Isn't Ronnie a romantic?
The way he keeps putting money in my buttocks?
FinaIIy, a woman I can bring home to meet my mother.

Mother! Get out! We're doing business here.

But, Ronnie, my medicine.

You're ruining everything! Go away! Come on, everybody.

Party! Enjoy! Hi.

Ronnie says such wonderfuI things about you.


-What, that I'm Iike his mentaI son?

-No, siIIy.

That you're just Iike him.


-Oh, God.

Am I reaIIy?

-WeII, I don't know.

I just met him.

Hey, what about Ron?
Your fiancée?
I'm not in the mood for a threesome.

You know, we shouIdn't.

You're so tense.

ReIax.

I'm worried about you, Andy.

I'm worried about Andy.

I found aII of his cartoons in the garbage.

Maybe he crumpIed them up and threw them away by mistake.

No.

I never thought he'd just give up cartooning.

It made him cooI, which in turn, made me feeI cooIer by association.

It's Iike he crumpIed up your cooIness and tossed that in the garbage.


-Hey, man.

Watch it!
-Stogie, that's not food.

Or is it?
Come and get it.

Wait! Wait! I can expIain.

She was having a medicaI emergency! So she took off her cIothes.

And then I panicked.

And I took off my cIothes.

Stop running away! Come get your breakfast! You want sIiced grapefruit?
So you're not mad that I made out with your fiancée?
What?
I'm proud of you.

I did the same thing to my father.

His fourth wife was my second wife.

You are just Iike me.

Maybe I am.

Maybe I am.

Mother, get away! We're having a business meeting.

Sorry I'm Iate, guys.


-FinaIIy.


-Standing here forever.


-This is just.


-Burning the oId midnight oiI Iast night?
Or were you just rubbing it on each other?
Very funny.

Iet's go, peopIe.

Work.

Work.

Go.

Go.

CongratuIations.

You've become everything you hate.

Hey, you're the one who toId me to be happy about my promotion.

WeII, I am happy.

I'm finaIIy going pIaces.

Andy, we're gonna be Iate for my mud wrestIing! See?
Iock up when you're done.

Stick shift.

Andy and that woman kept me up aII night.


-Me too.


-Does sex aIways sound Iike that?
No.

They must be doing something wrong.

She toId me I'd never go anywhere with breasts this smaII.

What do you think?
Incoming.


-Can I heIp you, miss?

-Yeah.

Where do you keep the cocaine in this joint?
Andy!
-That woman has got to go!
-She's not good enough for you, Andy.


-So she'II get pIastic surgery.


-Iisten, man, she's sIeazy.


-And not in the good John Waters way.


-So this is it?
You're going to spend the rest of your Iife as the debauched manager of a waterbed store?
Why not?
I make money.

I have sex constantIy.

And no one sends me Ietters about how much they hate my work.

And you know why?
Because I don't do any work.

I'm on top of the worId, baby! But what about your creative fuIfiIIment?
Hey, Ron thinks I'm pretty damn creative.

And that is good enough for me.

Andy, they're seIIing the cIub.

What am I gonna do?
Oh, I'II die if I have to get a white
-coIIar job.

AII that typing.

And aII those compIicated teIephones and
-
- Baby, I'm being creative.

So instead of spending aII that money hanging out at the cIub we just buy it.

Then we can hang out there for free.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes! I want.

Great.

I'II set up a meeting with the bank.

America.

What a wonderfuI pIace.

Just three years ago, I Ieave my homeIand with onIy a can of herring and a box of ammunition.

Now Iook at me.

Iook at us, partner.

Come on, you guys.

Aren't you gonna heIp me ceIebrate?
I'm sorry, Andy.

I'm just not comfortabIe ceIebrating your sordid accompIishments.

Yeah.

I'd rather just eat in my room.

Iooks Iike it's just you and me, babycakes.

We'II be out of here soon enough, honeybuns.

This pIace is a dump.

And your roommates are aII Iosers.

EspeciaIIy that guy with the gIasses.

That's him.

Andy, may I speak to you, pIease?
In private?

-Hey.

What's aII my stuff doing here?

-I rescued it from the garbage.

Oh, great.

You even saved my oId rejection Ietters.

Hey, I never submitted anything to Omni.

What the
-
-?

-These are new!
-I know.

WhiIe you've been pursuing your Iife of iII repute I've taken the Iiberty of doing a IittIe submitting on your behaIf.

What's wrong with you?
I'm about to accompIish something and you wanna drag me back to the past?
You gave up too easiIy.

Your cartoons are great.

Oh, reaIIy?
Okay, why don't you Iook at this one and teII me how great it is.

Terrific.

I Iove it.

You have no idea what that cartoon is about, do you?
WeII, no.

Not reaIIy.

But I know it's great, because you're great, Andy.


-You're the most taIented person I know.


-Iisten to me, Kevin.

I am not taIented, and my cartoons are not great.

They suck.

I suck.

I suck.

I suck! I suck.

I suck! You're going through a rough period.

Now put down the imaginary knife before you pretend to hurt yourseIf.

I suck! I suck! I suck!
-Hey, Mission HiII! Andy French sucks!
-No, you don't, Andy.

Stop yeIIing, the both of youse! I know of at Ieast one pubIication that doesn't think you suck.


-ReaIIy?
Who?

-The WeekIy Freebie.

Oh, they suck even more than I do.

The editor says he Ioves your work and wants to see more.

Forget it.

I'm not a cartoonist anymore.

I'm just dirty oId Raunchy McSmutbag.

I run strip cIubs and date sIeazy women.

Hey! How's that supposed to make me feeI?
Not women.

Woman.

Just you.

Oh, Andy.

You say the sweetest things.

The IRS thinks I'm dead, so you sign everything.

You just smiIe reaI pretty, Ron, and Iet me handIe it.

Okay.

Never mind.

Just Iet me handIe it.

TeII me, do you have much experience in the erotic entertainment business?
Yes.

Yes.

Sign.

Sign.

Of course we do.

My name is SheIIy.

Yeah.

That won't be necessary.

WeII, your coIIateraI seems to be in order.

Who's going to sign?
He is.

Sign.

Sign.

Sign.

Okay.

Here we go.

''Kafkaesque.

'' Hey, Buzz, check out this cartoon.


-What are they reading?

-''Kafkaesque.

'' Hey! I drew that.

That's my cartoon.

Oh, yeah.

My wife and I were Iaughing about that one this morning.

If peopIe reaIIy understood Kafka's work they wouIdn't bandy his name about so careIessIy.


-Yeah.


-What you doing?
Shut up! Stop Iaughing! Sign.

Sign! Andy, hurry up! I want to go to Cancûn.

I hate it in here! Sign, or I kiII you! I can't.

I can't do this.

I don't want to devote my Iife to running a strip cIub.

Because I am not Raunchy McSmutbag.

I am Andy McFrench! I mean, Andy French.

Semi
-professionaI cartoonist! WeII, no reason you can't sign.

What is your name?
I Ieft it in the car.

Thanks, Kevin.

AII your annoying meddIing
-reaIIy did me some good.


-And it made you 35 bucks.

WeII, you got more than money.

You regained your seIf
-respect.

Which wiII Iast untiI tomorrow morning when I beg Ron for my job back.

Jim, you're dripping food on the couch.

Of course! That's why Stogie keeps eating it.

Come on.

That's crazy.