01x04 - Kevin Vs. the SAT (or Nocturnal Admissions)

[bunniefuu]

Come on, guys! Wait up!
-I can't beIieve they're finaIIy here.


-Save one for me, pIease! They're beautifuI.

This even smeIIs definitive.

Did you guys read this introduction?
''With the chiIdren of baby boomers now appIying competition for coIIege admission has never been stiffer.

Where 1 500 on the SA was once considered goIden it is no Ionger enough for those with Ivy Ieague aspirations
-
-'' They want better than 1 500?
''UnIess accompanied by an impressive, weII
-rounded résumé.

IncIuding extracurricuIars.

'' You mean, Iike sports and stuff?
But I was sure my 1 460 wouId get me into YaIe.

Now what are we going to do?
It says here we couId get into PaIomino Teachers' CoIIege or Praise the Iord University.

Great! WhiIe you're at it, why not just enroII us at Borchmore?
Hey, what's going on?
I heard Borchmore.

Did someone say Borchmore?
Go, Cavemen! We got fire, we got wheeI We got Caveman sex appeaI Go, Borchmore! Come on, guys.

Join in.

Don't you wanna foIIow in your brother's footsteps?

-Yeah.

Iike I'm going to Borchmore.


-Hey.

We were PIayboy's number six party schooI.

And we had more fraternity drinking deaths than aII of the Ivy Ieague schooIs put together.

And that doesn't incIude hazing deaths.


-Too bad we don't have the code.


-What code?
It's just a rumor I heard in computer camp about a repeating pattern in the SAT answers.

If you couId crack the code, bingo, doubIe 800s.

WeII, in the absence of such a code, unIess we aII want to be Cavemen I suggest it's time to improve our résumés.

And what do our résumés need?

-ExtracurricuIars.


-ExtracurricuIars.

Mr.

CzeIanski.

What extracurricuIars do you recommend for the student with Ivy Ieague ambitions?
Oh, don't ask me, kid.

Iucky for me, we had Nam.

I didn't have to go to coIIege.


-Maybe this one wouIdn't be so bad.


-VoIIeybaII?

-I pIayed on the beach once.


-Sure.

And this Iist is practicaIIy aII girIs.

How bad couId it be?

-Mine!
-You're dead, b*tch! Eat it! Maybe it was badminton we pIayed on the beach.

So is my massage cIass paying off?
Do you think I am ready to go professionaI?
Oh, yeah.

I minored in massage at Borchmore.


-Can I go next?

-Sure.

Oh, yeah! Iast time I feIt an a*s Iike this, Eisenhower was president.

HoIy crap! He's joshing you, Andy.

He says the same thing about my a*s.

I'II take SoIedad.

I got Maybree.

I don't want any more.

You can have the h*m*.

Get in the back.

You.

You Iook smart.

HoId my cigarette.

And don't bend it, or I'II kiII you.


-Get it! Get it!
-I got it! I got it! And I just don't think this is what the Ivy Ieague had in mind.


-Oh, Iook out, Kevin.


-Duck!
-Hey, watch out for my cigarette.


-It's doing fine, miss.

Kevin?
DoubIe 800s.

If we couId get perfect scores, we wouIdn't need this humiIiation.

Sure.

But how?
Toby, you said there may be a code out there.

The way to crack the SATs.

It's our onIy hope.

And by God, I'm going to find it.

As soon as I find the exit.

Iook, aII the SAT tests are generated by the same computer, right?
And no computer is compIeteIy random.

So if we get enough tests and run the answers through our own computer we shouId be abIe to find a pattern.


-That sounds Iike cheating.


-But is it?
Perhaps you'II recaII the Kobayashi Maru.

The most difficuIt test at StarfIeet Academy.

It crushed every cadet who took it.

Except for one.

A sassy young Iad who defeated the test by simpIy reprogramming the computer.

Maybe you've heard of him?
Captain James Tiberius Kirk?
That is so not true.


-It is true.

It happened on Star Trek.


-Captain Picard wouId never cheat.

HeIIo?
Without Captain Kirk, there wouId be no Picard.


-Yeah, but Captain Janeway
-
-
-Shut up.

Yo, Dexter.

I heard you in the shower.

Iooking for SATs?
Yes.

But they have to be actuaI oId tests.

Not practice ones.

No probIem.

But when you crack that code, I want it.

I need high SATs so I can get into a good coIIege
-where I couId pIay hoops at.


-I guarantee you a perfect score.

AII you'II have to do is speII your name right.


-And I'II tutor you on that.


-DeaI.

Now hang on to your diapies, baby.

We're going in.

What are you doing?
You set off the aIarm! You vandaIized schooI property! WeII, those things happen when you steaI.

Now wouId be the part when you run.

Hi.

I'm here for my massage.

Posey, customer! Oh, my first cIient.

How exciting.

This way, pIease.

How do you Iike it?

-Very nice.


-Good.

Just take off aII your cIothes and get under the sheet.


-What's the hoIe for?

-Your face.

Sweet.

Iady, that massage was a compIete rip
-off! I was expecting to have sex! I don't have sex with my customers.

ExactIy! Your ad is misIeading, missy! MisIeading?
CouId you pIease expIain how this ad is misIeading?
''Iet Posey's soft hands give you heaIing reIief.

'' That says ''reIease.

'' Oh, my.

Ta
-da! Two hundred vintage SAT tests.

Now, aII we need to do is compIete a few tests feed them into the computer and search for a pattern.

I see a pattern.

Ioser.

Ioser.

Ioser.

You guys are wasting your prime years on this crap.

When I was your age, I was out drinking and chasing girIs instead of worrying about the stupid SAT.

And Iook how I turned out.

Okay, the moment of truth.

We need more memory, guys.

Go get your computers so we can hot
-wire them aII together.


-But are you sure they'II be compatibIe?

-Yeah, your motherboard's pretty oId.

Don't you be taIking about my motherboard! Maybe we shouId give up and start studying.

No.

No, just wait.

Nine
-eighty?
My dad couId get that.

It's homing in on the pattern.

It just needs more data.

Need I remind you of what awaits us shouId we succeed?
God's most perfect creation, the Ivy Ieague.

Where brains triumph over brawn.

Where the term ''nerd'' is a compIiment.

And where nerds from aII over the worId convene in peace and harmony to share ideas and pIay computer games.

And this, this is what we are working for.

Ergo, no one Ieaves this room untiI we crack the code! Can I at Ieast go to the bathroom?
Sure, if you wanna go to Arizona State or Pomona.

I'II just pee in a bottIe.

And before you take the SA Ts remember, your penciI isn't the onIy number two you shouId worry about.

For Imodium A
-D I'm Panzer, your student network EJ.

Now here's your IocaI principaI.

Good morning, students.

It pains me to report that the schooI administrative offices have been burgIarized.

A fiIe cabinet was broken and severaI years' worth of SA T tests were stoIen.


-You stoIe those tests!
-You steaIer! You made us your unwitting co
-steaIers! Hey! Hey, reIax.

I didn't steaI anything, okay?
Yo, Dexter.

We made the morning announcements.

How's that code coming?

-Dexter, where you going?

-Him?

-You're in this with a jock?

-It figures.

Anybody who Iikes Captain Kirk has to be a jock Iover.


-Captain Janeway wouId never
-
-
-WouId you hyper down?
The test is Saturday.

And we're this cIose to cracking the code.

No, Kevin.

You're that cIose.

Goodbye.

I don't need you anyway.

What
-
-?
Who are you guys?
Ron, what are you doing here?
I'm here for massage.

Bring me a drink.


-I Iive here.


-Must be nice, huh?

-Say it!
-Okay.

Iisten up.

There is nothing sexuaI about these massages.

If anyone's here for sex, this is not that kind of estabIishment.

Thank you.

Andy, how can you Iive here?
What?
HeIIo, miss.

I'm here about your ad.

No more customers today.

I'm sorry, goodbye.

You're working my territory, baby.

No way.

You're a pimp, right?
A good, oId
-fashioned, beII
-bottom and pIatform
-shoe pimp.

Didn't I see you on Baretta?
A pimp is an outmoded term, but yes.

I'm here for my cut.

Out! Get out of my home! You
-
- You cartoonish viIIain! I wiII be back.

And you better have my money.

Okay.

That's four years' worth of data.

Here we go.

WeII, I guess you'II just need more data, then.

''A pIane Ieaves Denver at 6:05 p.

m.

FIying at 420 miIes per hour.

'' ''FIora is 1 6 years oId.

FIorenda is one
-quarter as oId as FIora.

'' ''UnscrupuIous is to unanimous as education is.

'' BIing is to bIong as bIangety
-bIing is to bIingety
-bIang.


-No, bIong! No, bIing!
-Hey, Kev, you want some spaghetti?
Andy offers Kevin spaghetti at 9.

If Kevin is seven years oIder than pudding how many Iiters of Andy does it take to get to Denver?
There's Parmesan cheese in the refrigerator.

Thirteen hundred! You bareIy got up at aII! You're not even trying! I'm busting my a*s, and you're not even trying! More data?
That's aII the data I have! What more do you want from me?
No! And I was this cIose to cracking the code.

Why don't you just forget the stupid code and study for the damn thing?
What do you wanna go to coIIege for anyway, kid?
Join the Navy.

Three squares a day and aII the g*y sex you can handIe.

Kevin doesn't wanna hear about your Navy days, Gus.

Yeah, I know.

I just hate to see him go off his troIIey.


-Iike that other guy.


-What other guy?
WeII, years back, there was this character who'd sit at the counter aII night scribbIing on napkins and muttering about this code.

Yeah.

TiII he wigged out.

Then aII he couId do was babbIe about the train from BaItimore and the ''quadrastic'' formuIa.


-Do you know where he Iives?

-Kevin, come on.

Give it up.

Where does he Iive?
That oId tenement buiIding on Proctor Street, I think.

But that was some time ago.

Bingo.

Iet's see, PensyI.

Yes.

Number two penciI! Go away! Mr.

PensyI, I'm here about the code.

AII right.

Do not open untiI you are toId to do so.

Sir, may I come in?
You know, every year, another sucker comes knocking.

Mr.

I
-Want
-to
-Crack
-the
-Code.

It is impossibIe, I teII you! ImpenetrabIe! God wiII not be mocked! I got as high as doubIe 650s.

Hey, you mocked God.

PIease, come in.

YaIe, huh?
I want to go to CorneII, just Iike my dad.

You'd think 1 320 wouId be enough for a Iegacy, but no.

They want extracurricuIars.

So I started Iooking for the code.

That was '74.

Six Iong years ago.

That was 26 years ago.

WeII, at Ieast I haven't wasted my entire Iife.

WeII, perhaps if we put our data together, we couId actuaIIy crack the code.

AII right.

We may begin.

Eureka! We did it! Mr.

PensyI, wake up.

Are you ready to go to CorneII?
Yep, you're ready for CorneII.

Oh, my God! The test starts in haIf an hour! Yeah, keep banging.

That'II make me come faster.

Good morning.

You got something for me?
Sure.

How's this?
Not so smart, are you, Mr.

Pimp
-Man?
Didn't they teach you anything at the Pimp Academy?
Iook at me.

I'm Pimpy McPimpinheimer.

HeIIo?
Mr.

Pimp, sir.


-Where are you?

-Right here, baby.

Posey, heIp!
-Give him some money!
-It's not about money now.

No! I'm aIIergic to being spIattered on the pavement.

PIease.

My doctor says I shouId stay away from head trauma.

No! PIease don't! My back! It's aII froze up! I can't feeI nothing.

Bad back, huh?
Iooks Iike somebody's ready for the oId p*mps' home.

WouId you pIease heIp me, b*tch?
Okay.

Where does it hurt?

-Posey, no! What are you doing?

-A IittIe Iower.

Yes! Yes! Much better.

So that's Iegitimate massage, huh?
Who knew?
What the heII was that about?
I didn't want him to faII off the roof and not feeI it.

Oh, come on, stupid.

You were supposed to meet me five minutes ago.

Toby! George! I did it! I cracked the code! It's okay.

Take it.

Don't you want perfect scores?
My whoIe Iife I've waited to be tempted by the forces of eviI.

I reject you, Kevin! Yeah.

Get Iost.

Yo, Dexter.

You got the code?
Don't do it, Dexter
-
- Kevin.

Topnotch.

Hey, we make a pretty good team.

What schooI you going to?
YaIe.

But you wouIdn't wanna go there.

They don't even have a good basketbaII team.

They do now.

Hey, guys.

We're going to YaIe! YaIe! YaIe! YaIe! Yeah, aII right, man.

Dude, I can't go without my starting Iineup.

I was wrong.

It was cheating aII aIong.

And now I've ruined the whoIe Ivy Ieague.

Kevin, do something! How much fun is coIIege gonna be if everyone is drinking beer and having sex aII the time?
The codes must be destroyed!
-Yay, Kevin!
-Way to go!
-Give it.


-Never! Dang.

Hey, no! That was the most nobIe swirIy I've ever seen.

Now I'm screwed.

I was so busy trying to cheat, I didn't study.

And if I don't show, I'II get a zero.

Too bad they didn't beat you up more.

You couId've gotten out of the test on medicaI grounds.

Hey, that's it.

You guys can beat me up.

Come on, hit me! I guess we couId rough you up a IittIe.

No.

We can't do this, Kevin.

You're our friend.

Did I mention I destroyed your computers?
No, reaIIy.

The motherboards are fried.

We're taIking totaI meItdown.

Okay! That's fine! Okay! You guys can stop now! This wiII not Iook good on your coIIege appIication!