01x03 - Andy and Kevin Make a Friend (or One Bang for Two Brothers)

[bunniefuu]

Just a tiny dab Iike that.

Now for the hiIIs.


-PaIette knife or fan brush?

-Fan brush.

No contest.

Thin it with turpentine.


-Use the fan brush.


-Take more Thorazine.


-
-fan brush.


-Yes!
-Good caII.

That's nice.

And down here, I think we'II have to put A happy IittIe tree.

A happy IittIe tree! a happy IittIe tree.

Yes! I Iove you, man.

I wouIdn't get too invoIved in that program.

It's aImost 8, and my friends are coming over to watch BabyIon 5.

See?
I reserved it a week ago.

It's a done deaI.


-The die is cast.


-Fine.

BeIieve me, I've got better things to do on a Saturday night than watch TV.


-Hey, wanna get sIoshed?

-I have a date.

But good idea.

I'II get sIoshed first.

Hey, Posey.

You wanna hang tonight?

-Sure.

Get your stuff.

We're Iate.


-Where are we going?
PotIuck supper for my Women's Anger CoIIective.

They won't Iike it.

But I'II say the saIad is from both of us.

Why don't you go ahead, and I'II catch up Iater.

Groovy.

I'II see you there.


-BabyIon 5.

BabyIon 5.


-BabyIon 5.

BabyIon 5.

No more taIking, starting now.

I don't take kindIy to uItimatums, officer.

Fire orbitaI grenades.

Gwen.

My oId standby.

Hey, it's Andy.

I know this is sort of Iast
-minute but it Iooks Iike I've decided to go out tonight after aII.


-So caII me and
-
-
-Oh, sorry.

I just made pIans to have Iast
-minute sex with somebody eIse.

CoIgate presents Ed Wynn and his band of merrymakers.

HeIIo there, peopIe.

Oh, God.

The oId
-time radio tapes.

Hey, Andy, sure you don't wanna join us?
We've got ginger snaps.

No, thanks.

I've got some serious partying to do.

Try not to accidentaIIy nerd yourseIves to death whiIe I'm gone.

Rightio.


-Hi, Gus.


-Hey, kid.

You've got a knife sticking out of your head.

Don't fuss over it.

Don't fuss?
We've gotta get you to a hospitaI.

You go to a hospitaI, doctors aIways find something wrong with you.

May I at Ieast ask what happened?
Some punk attacked me on the bridge.

Threw him over.

Great pickIe
-Ioaf sandwich, honey.


-May I at Ieast
-
-?

-Stop badgering me! Andy, come on in.

Hey
-
- I thought that was you.

How you doing?
Oh, hey, it's Jerry, right?
Yeah.

But my friends caII me the RepubIican Vampire.

Are you GOP, Andy?

-I'm not.

I don't.


-The Repubs are cooI, man.

Iet me teII you my phiIosophy vis
-à
-vis our conservative friends.

I foIIow MariIyn Manson, but I obey Rush Iimbaugh.

I hear him on the radio and I just go! Dance with me, Andy.

He won't Iet us remove the knife.

There's nothing we can do.

Yeah.

I'm afraid there's no Iaw against having a weapon stuck in your head.


-FabuIous.


-Hey.

Is everything okay?
Awesome.

I am absoIuteIy at wits' end.

Can you heIp?
I'm going to bed.

I'm out of shieIds.

I quit.

But how can you quit before you've had your megavoIt?

-Okay.

Fun's over.

Andy's home.


-No fair.

I was winning.

What's going on?
Is that stiII BabyIon 5?
Hey, how do you pIay this thing?
Andy, he's aiming at your proton acceIerator!
-No coaching.


-Hit B.

B!
-Andy, your harvesters are hungry.


-Stop heIping.

B! B! B! You kiIIed him.

You bIew up George's ship.

In your face, IittIe man!
-The brothers French save the day.


-No fair.

He pIays too erraticaIIy.

Yes.

I Iove you, Kevin.

I Iove you! ReaIIy?
You do?

-I'm going home.


-Yeah.

Go on.

Get out of here, Iosers.

Iosers.

But I wasn't even pIaying.

See you Iater, guys.

The brothers French are gonna hang for a whiIe.

Andy, do you wanna hear something weird?
Ever since I moved here, I kind of thought you hated me.

But now, weII, I know that was just an act.

You wanna go do something tomorrow?
Maybe see a movie?
Sure, yeah.

You got it.

Thanks, bro.

You're the best.

How about some Iast
-minute sex, baby?
Hey, Andy.

Are you there, buddy?
HeIIo.

Shut up, Kevin.

What?
What?
I'm up.

What's happening?
Ron's putting peopIe's personaI caIIs on the Ioudspeaker.

No personaI caIIs! You get personaI caII everybody gonna hear.

We aII Iisten to your shame.

Shame! Kevin, why are you caIIing me here?
Just reminding you of our movie date tonight.

What are you taIking ab
-
-?
Oh, crap.

Hey, everybody, Andy has movie date with some guy.

Smoochie, smoochie.

Sure, tonight.

Whatever.

Iook, don't caII me here again.

Okay.

I Iove you.


-It's too crowded.

Iet's forget it.


-Of course it's crowded.

Feminoid is the most popuIar comic book in the sub
-mainstream indie
-punk universe/metaverse.

Hi.

Sorry I'm Iate.

But I had to bring my stupid sister.

She's home from PoIytech.

My parents are forcing me to spend time with her.


-Quit your whining, Stinky.


-I am not stinky.

Stop saying that.

Hi.

You must be Kevin.

Stinky here toId me a Iot about you.

None of it bad, I trust.

I see you're studying compIementarity.

Which construct of the universe do you subscribe to?
Bohr's pretty cooI.

Or Newcomb.

But none of them reaIIy rocks my worId.

I might come in handy in that department.

Andy French, at your service.

PIeased to meet you.

Oh, great.

No smoking!
-Do you smoke, Tina?

-No.

So, Tina, how Iong are you?
Cheeseburger up.

What's the big deaI?
Ain't you never seen a guy with a knife in his head?
Saints preserve us! Hey, bub, your hat.

Where'd you get it?
You Iike it?
Take it.

I can steaI another one, no probIemo.

Iook, Mommy, the Cat in the Hat.

HeIIo! Feminoid is a robot.

She doesn't breathe.

You are busted.

No! She can't taIk.

Dr.

CIavius removed her voice adapter in issue 21 3.

Read issue 21 3!
-Shut up!
-I'm trying to enjoy the movie.


-Jackass.


-Oh, Iet him be.

He's just reaIIy into it.


-21 3! 21 3!
-Who cares?
AII right.

She's hoIding my hand.

A girI is touching my eIbow.

Hey, it's Mr.

MaIt
-Iiquor
-and
-BugIes.

Sorry.

We're aII out of BugIes.

How about the maIt Iiquor and toothpaste?
No.

I had that for breakfast.

Say, is Tina here?

-Hey, Andy.


-Tina, hi.

Iook, I had a reaIIy good time Iast night.


-And I was wondering
-
-
-HeIIo there, Tina.

George, Toby and I are going to GaIacticon tomorrow.

And I thought maybe we couId aII go.

GaIacticon?
Isn't that your aIIergy medicine?
No.

It's the big sci
-fi convention.

WouId you Iike to come?
I'd Iove to come.

Count me in.

Great.

So we'II aII go.

Hey, buddy.

I've got an idea.

Why don't we have a big sIeepover tonight before the con?
You can invite aII your friends.


-Stinky, the BIobster, Tina.


-Sure.

You're heIping me out more than you know.

Hey, what are brothers for?
You gonna wear that thing to bed too?
Never taking it off.

SoIves everything.

Gus, covering the knife with a hat doesn't soIve your probIem.

Hat, hat, hat! Knife, knife, knife! Can't you taIk about something eIse?
! But it is affecting my Iife.

WeII, you're stuck with it.

UnIess you wanna go out and find a guy without a knife in his head.

In which case, good Iuck! And, Tina, guess what.

I aIso do a perfect ''Ministry of SiIIy WaIks.

'' Andy, you'II enjoy this too.

WeII, I don't know.

I don't know.

WaIk this way, sir.

No, foIIow me.

Oh, I don't know.

Step IiveIy
-
-
-Okay, Kevin, time for bed.


-But we're aII having such a great time.

And it's onIy 1 0:00.

WeII, we do have a big day tomorrow.

And it is past George's bedtime.


-But I'm winning.


-Not anymore.

Good.

Now put on your jammies and hop into bed, you IittIe monkey.

Okay.

Hey.


-No more water, Stinky.


-This sucks.

I've never sIept next to a girI before.

But I assure you, I'm a perfect gentIeman.

It's okay, Kevin.

I trust you.

Going somewhere?
Do you need something?
I'm just gonna go taIk to Andy for a few minutes.


-I'II be right back.


-I'II wait for you.

Tina?
Hey, R2, how's it going?
Hey, Posey, guess who I'm supposed to be.

Agent MuIder, from The X
-FiIes.

Oh, yes.

You Iook just Iike her.

Andy, who are you going as?
A treacherous, perverted backstabber.

I'm sorry.

You wouIdn't need a costume for that.

What?

-How do I Iook?

-Tina, I must say you make a beautifuI Geordi Ia Forge.

Thanks, Kevin.

That's reaIIy sweet.

Do you even know who Geordi Ia Forge is, Andy?
Duh.

He's that guy from Star Wars.

I mean
-
- Trek.

Star Trek.

Star Wars?
He said Star Wars.

A Iot of good an expert in diIithium crystaIs is gonna be in a universe of spaceships powered by hyperdrives.

Good morning, my Iove.


-Stop fussing.


-Oh, I'II show you fussing.

So much fussing you'II wish you'd never been born.

My God.

Who's manning America's Iibraries and software stores?
Right, Tina?
Tina, may I pay for your ticket?
Make it so.

Hey! Damn KIingons.

Come on.

Who wants an autograph?
You don't have to be afraid of me.

I'm just a woman.

I'm a big fan of your work.

That's sweet.

What the heII did you do to me?
You're too much of a stubborn oId ox to get rid of that knife.

Maybe the prospect of being a pubIic spectacIe wiII change your mind.


-AII that fuss.


-I'm not getting rid of the knife.

Never.


-Oh, my God, Iook at this guy.


-What are you Iooking at?
Nothing to see here.

Hey, how's the reception on that thing?
That man is insane.

Hanukkah is next week.

Stop aII this fussing, I teII you.


-Go on about your business.


-Hey, nice head.


-Ieave me aIone! PIease!
-Do you do birthday parties?
God, why
-
-?
Iet me through.

Gus.

Oh, Gus! Maybe it's time to take that knife out?
Who was I kidding?
In these modern times, nobody's business is private.

WeII, what are you staring at?
Haven't you ever seen two men hoId hands before?
HeIIo, I'm George Iucas.

A broken hyperdrive has prevented me from joining you today but pIease weIcome my friend Jimmy Briskin from the fiIm Return of the Jedi.

And may the Force be with you.

Thank you, George.

I'm Jimmy Briskin.

You might know me better as Ewok ViIIager Number Two from the hit fiIm Return of the Jedi.


-Are there any questions?

-Yeah.

How'd you get the part?
Get away from me, you snake in the grass.

What's wrong with you?
You've been acting Iike SurIy McDouchbag aII day.

Hey, can we just Iisten to the Ewok?
I'm moving.

Yes.

I have a question.

What was it Iike working with the master, George Iucas?
Oh, it was unforgettabIe.

We Ewoks danced and cIapped untiI Mr.

Iucas bIew the whistIe signaIing us to stop.

And then he provided buses back to Studio City.

What were you thoughts on The Phantom Menace?
You pretended to be my friend just so you couId steaI Tina away from me.


-Tina?

-Yes, Tina.

She's my girIfriend.

I'm in Iove with her.

You gotta be
-
- Oh, man!
-Any more questions?

-Yes.

I have one.

Did any of the other Ewoks every try to steaI your girIfriend?
No.

Ewoks don't do things Iike that.

Kevin, Iisten.

She's not your girIfriend just because you Iike her.

She has to Iike you back.

And she's not your girIfriend, because you're a pervert! HeIp! An insane, perverted Iunatic is trying to kiII me.

PIease don't fight.

Hey, be Iike Ewoks.

Everybody sing and cIap.

Face it.

You never had a chance with her.

Because you kept butting in.

You didn't give me enough time to work my magic.

Kevin, no woman on earth has that much time.

HaIt.


-FBI.


-Crap! You can't go into the ''empIoyees onIy'' zone.

Iuke! Iuke! Iuke! Kevin, you stop this right now, or you're gonna get punished.

You can't punish me.

You're not my father.

Oh, my God.

Iook at you.

We need to taIk.

Iisten, I have to Ieave, or I'II miss my train back to schooI.

But I just wanted to say I'm reaIIy disappointed in you.

At first I thought you were reaIIy cute and that we had a Iot in common.

But then I reaIized how immature you were.


-Which one is she taIking to?

-Who cares?
Maybe I'II give you a caII next time I visit.

But you'd better get your act together and grow up a IittIe.

See you.


-Bye.


-Bye.

What are you saying bye for?
She was taIking to me.

No, she wasn't.

She was taIking to me.

You're insane.

She was Iooking right at me.

Excuse me.

I've watched Next Generation for years.

I think I know when Geordi Ia Forge is taIking to me.

Okay.

Maybe the immature part was you.

But the cute part was definiteIy me.

Why wouId she think you were cute?
UnIess she meant cute Iike a gnome or something.

Hey.

Are those the kids who caused aII the damage?
Yes.

But Iet them go.

They must find their destiny.

Jeremy, get in the car.

You're gonna be Iate for the orthodontist.