01x10 - There's Too Much Sex on TV

[bunniefuu]

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thank you

who's got Bixby TV Bob's got big screen

TV how big 60 inches how big I heard the

first time boy that's big baby don't I

know it I'll see what he says

dad I'm going to the whole concert next

week no concerts until you're 16. what

not become a rule unbelievable you just

make this stuff up it's totally

arbitrary and a*usive

yeah I remember

Bob in here I thought we'd what the

isn't it great

it's a TV there was nothing wrong with

our old TV are you insane this is scan a

scope our old TV wasn't scan a scope we

were living like beasts and we didn't

even know it Bob you know we both have

to agree on purchases this big

I tried to put myself in your mind I'm

not saying you didn't struggle with the

decision but in the end you wanted to

make me happy

you want to put yourself in my mind

right now

no

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when you want it you wanted what you

wanted foamy you want it now

that's enough

what are you doing I'm sorry Bob I've

just had it with this crap it was a

commercial I was learning about beer

there's just too much sex on TV I want

you to do something about it oh come on

now don't get me wrong I'm certainly no

prude sex was my idea in the first place

early on I could have had everyone

reproduce like amoebus but I said no

let's have some fun let's make it messy

yeah look

I'm sort of uncomfortable talking to you

about this well what's the big deal

we're just talking about penises and

vaginas

that's what they're called Bob look I

want people to have sex it's always been

my policy you can look it up but I want

it to be happy life enhancing sex not

this BS you see on the tube have you

ever really watched VIP oh boy I Gotta

Go My Book club's coming over wait wait

besides the Tango origami and being

generally a good listener

and having a real Flair for physical

abuse we are not losing television not

after I've spent all these years

carefully nurturing it but what can we

do

we can't be too direct we'll have to

handle it delicately with Panache not

everything has to be Jerry Bruckheimer

dear Network stooge who are you riding

to television oh can you ask him to make

the evil robots harder to k*ll there's

no suspense sure

oh I hope I'm not coming down with

something Mom I'm going to the whole

concert next week I told you no well now

Bob we went to concerts when we were

teenagers

[Applause]

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your father's right I have to go to this

concert what do I have to do to go you

name it I'll do it get an A on your next

test do your own laundry no fighting

with your brother cool deal

starting now

he's picking up the pen again it's all

turning to ashes in our mouths let's

make a quack I need to concentrate Fury

I'm very concerned as a parent that what

you show while the children are still up

could be damaging to them

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you have to take responsibility for the

yeah pulsating

thrust of your negligence that

oh he's making me hot Donna I've got a

thing what exactly are you proposing

remember that Valentine's Day I borrowed

my sister's wig

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not gonna finish the letter wait for it

he doesn't care about the real you

you're nothing more than a sex object to

him what

he's just going to close his eyes and

think of Raquel Welsh in one Million BC

when she was wearing that animal skin

bikini that rode right up her well you

get

together don't touch me Donna I don't

want to do this now but what about all

the rubbing and the the rubbing that was

nice can't you just let it be nice what

no oh man

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but he's going back the letter the

letter smack do you trust me I'm really

scared of you just watch

and the myth of easily available sex is

particularly repellent to me who are you

kidding you better knock it off all of

you or I will personally come down there

and smash every one of your smug little

faces in you hear me sincerely Bob

Allman

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sicker that I thought you look like

you're studying

you eat that you die

foreign

[Applause]

I'm getting nothing here Donna where's

the manual for my beer Crown I'm no

expert on these things but it could be

your makers pinching your tube oh it's

you well you'd be happy to know that I

completed my assignment I sent off this

awesome letter if that doesn't get sex

off TV nothing will and you really think

that covered it and what do you want I'm

just one guy all right let's just think

what can you do to complete your

assignment let's brainstorm when you

have a problem you want to go to these

so

this so so

Source sorcerer yeah that's it the

sorcerer The Source Bob go to the source

I have an announcement to make seems

there was a raffle the other day at work

and I won a trip to Hollywood

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settle down everyone it's just for me

he's really got you by the short hairs

doesn't he oh leave me alone if you take

sex off TV it'll just go on the internet

then only wealthy people will get it

porno only for the rich is that what you

want Bob that just goes against the

Democrat in me his problem is he doesn't

trust people to make their own

programming decisions you know in my

travels I've met the American people and

I gotta tell you I'm pretty impressed

with them

before you get on that plane Bob I want

you to tell Doritos icon Ali Landry that

she's going to be out of a job look her

in the eye and tell her in the eye Bob

and tell her she can't feed her kids

sorry

he's gonna clean up television it's all

going South Juno will harvest the Dallas

Cowboys pack your bag smack we're going

to Hollywood vacation why didn't you

tell me I'm still carrying that extra

weight from the holidays

foreign

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makes us all grovel before the [ __ ] got

us success well the letters are really

big hey aren't you that actress on that

show who wants to know oh I'm Bob Bob

Allman wow what are you doing in a

crappy place like this I love it here I

don't have to make my bed it's right on

the bus line and there's retractable

clothesline in my shower yeah but you're

a star I hate that word

come on you're famous I see your face on

magazines Bob please I'm an actor I hate

talking about myself what brings you to

Hollywood I'm here to clean up sex on

television oh thank God if you only knew

the stuff I have to say the stuff I have

to do it's so humiliating and cheap and

degrading

like what kind of stuff so do you have a

plan oh I have a plan

the wheels are in motion in fact it's

nearly completed if there's anything I

can do now that you mention it could you

tell me where the studios are I've been

driving around for three days I can't

find a damn thing I could tell you where

they are

or I could invite you down to the studio

tomorrow and show you around myself

wow thanks

well I've got an early call

I'd better peel off these clothes and

let them slide down my body and pull

gently around my ankles and I've got to

do the same

good night

you're afraid of this clown

um well he's Wiley your job is to keep

him distracted while he's here what

about your part what's going on with Nev

Campbell's acne you promised me I'm

working on it and what am I gonna get my

own hair person I am sharing a guy with

the extras for God's sake I can't live

like this sweetie baby doll get in your

calm please these things take time I am

the devil but I'm dealing with a union

here just do it okay okay it's done now

tomorrow after you've taken care of Bob

we'll meet tomorrow I thought we were

going to Universal Studios tomorrow I'm

not standing in line in the hot sun just

so you can you promised that means on

Thursday we'll have to choose between

Knott's Berry Farm and Magic Mountain

that's right we'll have to choose smack

what are you doing this Motel doesn't

have a pool and what the hell was they

swimming in

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hi Bob almond personal friend of the bad

actress what actress the one who's on

that show do I have to spell it out for

you oh man actress well you'll find her

right through that door

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must be new

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but lucky for the studio we had lots of

bengies any questions does anyone ever

get discovered on these tours oh all the

time but you've already been through the

screening area and no one was interested

good question though

these are the network offices all the

big programming decisions are made right

through those doors

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you can't go in there they're setting

the small TV schedule

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open up open up

where were you this morning the network

the evil got to tell people about the

evil uh you're right Bob we do uh and

tomorrow I will be right by your side

but tonight I've gotta run lines

can you help me but the evil we can use

your room okay

look I've run out of smart things to say

just make love to me oh uh geez uh you

should know I'm married and my my wife

Donna

this is acting oh well you're very good

I've been thinking about you all

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we're still acting right Bob oh geez

listen you gotta go I I just remembered

that I was born without sex organs

there's a little bracelet I'm supposed

to wear but if you want to play Checkers

sometime just give me a call how's it

going Bob oh hey God I didn't see you

there eh pretty good pretty good I think

I'm making some progress here is that a

hickey oh son of a g*n I think it is

apparently that's a custom here who am I

to argue with their culture so what's

your next move given up sounds pretty

good

oh this is too big for me to handle you

know maybe I overestimated you Bob well

you're not the first to make that

mistake although you of all people

should know better I mean it's not my

fault you made me and frankly you didn't

do a very good job

Bob I'm going home you're free to stay

but you should know that if you're here

past noon you owe another 750 on the

room oh [ __ ] fine

why do I even try with these people I

should have gone with my gut and

destroyed them all I've got a good

minded

well this is nice

God could get used to this

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[Applause]

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103. okay Mom all ready to go to the

concert we have to pick up Jennifer and

Brittany Heidi I don't think I can drive

what I kept up my end of the bargain I

got an A on my stupid test I did my

stupid laundry and I was nice to my

stupid brother I can't really see to

drive and I'm not sure my legs work

uh-huh well I have learned a valuable

lesson Mom it's confirmed what I always

expected doing what you ask will never

make me happy

oh okay we made a deal I'll be okay

let's go Andy buddy you carry the bag

with Bobby's drugs

sticking in Windows is harassment when

are the courts gonna let us live our

lives you've been awful quiet tonight

Bob let me ask you guys something do you

think that telling God to shove it can

come back and bite you in the a*s well

if he did what he did to job he could

k*ll all your family drive off your

cattle destroy all your crops what I

worked hard on that lawn

maybe I should rethink this tonight on

Channel 6 eye on Detroit blows the lid

off gratuitous sex on TV how much is too

much is this too much

how about this

or this

maybe got smarter than I think six

o'clock kids could be watching this

stuff in bars all over town

it's time one man stood up and made a

difference another round all right but

then I make a difference

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family entertainment I know there's one

in here somewhere

yes

hi Bob Steve

don't let us out in front I don't want

people thinking I have parents or if

added a troll for a brother okay we have

to be really cool we can't act like

dorks Megan wait what have a good time

all right

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oh sir it really is the happiest place

on Earth and there's singing Bears sure

a little corny but when you're having

that much fun who cares oh hi where have

you been I've been paging you all day

sweetheart listen baby doll it's all

baby doll me you are fired I'm going

back to Ovitz I've got him on the line

right now benefits don't tell him I'm

here

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foreign

so far this gratuitous sex special is a

little disappointing how do you think I

feel I brought a date

want some of my beer Louise

whoa whoa easy there Barry well she's

sucking it down like a shop vac

can you believe this sex special Bob oh

I think if you give it a chance it just

might enrich your lives

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oh Bob Oh Donna my God almond that's you

but how did that was supposed to be

oh

if you want to do this let's go you've

got five minutes left of your birthday I

just need to find a tape and stretch

here we go kids never watch this oh Bob

Oh Donna oh my God people are seeing

this all over Detroit stop looking stop

looking it's too late I've seen it tell

you what Mike I'll blind you if you

blind me you selfish b*stards Who blind

me good God Mona what's that you're

watching

the horror

hi Bob well thank god nice Wheels thanks

you go leather leatherette the guy

talked me into leather you gotta treat

yourself sometimes

I mean we screwed up this time didn't I

well not the method I would use but

because of you people are watching a lot

less TV tonight what hop it

foreign

you forced them to actually spend time

with their families

daddy will you read to me

so wait there's more

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[Applause]

nice isn't it

damn it he knows how I feel about him

how could he if you never tell him

I I love you son I love you Dad my bare

a*s did all that yes Bob I'm proud of it

I'm sorry about what I said before maybe

you didn't do such bad work with me

after all let's face it we both dodged a

b*llet on this one yeah

can you give me a lift home sure but I

may need to hit you up for gas this

thing's a hawk

don't play with the buttons b*mb

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thank you

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