01x09 - Bob Gets Greedy

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

thank you

look Mom I hate asking for money but

things have just been a little tight

since I went back to school yes he still

has a job

no he hasn't been gambling mom your

language look just to mix things up a

little why do we call him Bob the truth

is with all of his faults he can be a

terrific father he took Megan to the

game tonight just daddy and his little

girl

hey Leroy Kudos on your paternity suit I

figured after all the steroids you

couldn't get the rocket off the launch

pad

almond take it easy the guy is the human

being

wow

Sergey federoff knows who I am cool dad

can I have some money for some food okay

but don't spend it all I've got to put

something back in your mom's purse nice

seat you've got here Bob it's amazing

nobody else wants to sit in this section

yeah go figure hey hey you really know

how to handle a stick Bronski it's like

watching your wife with the pool boy

great game isn't it I'm not here to talk

about sports Bob tell me have you ever

thought about volunteering for a charity

well of course I have what kind of a guy

would I be if I hadn't thought about

charity work how about actually doing

something I was afraid that's where

you're going so uh in other words

volunteer or else Bob please I prefer to

think of it as helping the needy or else

well you know God technically it's not

charity if you're forcing me to do it oh

you got me there Bob thank you just get

off your a*s and do the work

foreign

[Applause]

[Music]

game yeah you should have seen it mom

dad got chased through the parking lot

by the Blackhawks goalie

next time do me a favor drive your

daughter home first then go back and

make an a*s of yourself

sounds like a lot of driving

can you believe this Lena was still

doing Lewinsky jokes that's my chair

sorry listen I wanted to do a little

follow-up on the conversation you had

with the great manipulator

bottom line Bob this charity thing's a

giant waste of time most of them are

frauds arthritis doesn't even exist what

they just pay old people to about

it the Red Cross a full 99.8 of their

budget goes for ski trips and Party

Girls It's a known fact

but I've seen him on TV setting up tents

at disaster sites oh you saw it on TV

wake up Bob everything on TV is fake the

moon landing done on a sound stage in

Culver City you mean Neil Armstrong was

an actor rent The Sound of Music

sometime and look closely at Roth

well I gotta go book party for Henry

Kissinger between us the guy gives me

the creeps

so that was an actor playing Roth

[Applause]

hi Dad hello son

Lord

in the living room I was playing hand

man but the man's a lady

and she's naked

unbelievable we can't pay the electric

bill and you bought yourself a Palm

Pilot hey no fear I want a Palm Pilot

yeah hey let's all get em in fact let's

just max out the credit cards and go

live in a cave where they can't track us

down I'll take the Visa we get a living

okay honey I didn't buy this it belongs

to a friend

well not a friend more of a scary

acquaintance cool you can check out all

the sports scores see nyx98 Cavs 96.

what they don't play till tomorrow night

this stupid thing is useless except for

the naked women oh you don't have to

tell me that this has no place in our

home

[Music]

new policy on sexual harassment like you

to read it over if you have any

questions please call me at my extension

[Music]

and so in just eight seconds remaining

Latrell Sprewell says dinner was great

mom but the kids have school so we've

got to go home final Knicks 98 Cavs 96.

see Nick's 98 Cavs 96. next 98 calves 96

Knicks 98 calves 96.

wait a minute

the hell are you doing almond

oh well I remembered that I threw away a

can today that really should have been

recycled here we go well I think we're

all going to be able to sleep a lot

easier tonight

what are you doing here I'm here because

I care enough about this company to give

a little extra of myself my three out

again it was a mutual decision now get

out of here

yes

look at this tomorrow's scores

Friday's scores I'm gonna be

rich

yes you are and then Victory will be

mine

isn't that our Palm Pilot sir

[Music]

yes yes I suppose it is oh I don't

remember you signing that out what when

you take equipment out in the field

you're supposed to fill out form 4385

with a description of the item and the

evil purpose you'll be using it for I'm

about to achieve ultimate victory over

the forces of good and you hound me

about paperwork

and if you'll initial there and there

in the Box yeah

you know I live with you smack it may

not be very healthy but that's what gets

me out of bed in the morning sir

[Music]

I won

yes I love you Charlie I know a lot of

guys don't take the time to tell their

bookie I love you but darn it I do now I

want you to take that three dollars and

let it ride on

the Clippers let's just say I have a

hunch

[Music]

yeah let's put say 5 000 on El

Conquistador

you don't handle c*ck well Charlie

I might just have to take my business

elsewhere

that's more like it I was working as a

waitress in a c*ck bar that much is

true

don't you want me baby don't you want me

oh oh God hi should I wait till you're

finished I haven't seen you in a while

how are you doing good I hope so how's

the charity work going Bob huh oh good

good A little surprising and yet at the

same time kind of what you'd expect a

nice mix you know I know Bob you haven't

done Jack all I'm asking for is an hour

a week I tell you what

how about I just give you a hundred

dollars no questions I mean you can give

it to whoever you want although don't

get suckered by those arthritis people

I'd prefer that you do good works okay

fine but how about him no you can't hire

someone you figured out all the angles

haven't you oh

I've outwitted Bob Allman you'll forgive

me if I don't do an end zone dance

[Music]

okay I'll fight what's with the

hairpiece

oh that it's Howard Co sells toupee yeah

bought it off the internet okay where

are you getting all this money all right

I have let's say a source who has inside

information on almost every sporting

event in the world I am like on the roll

of a lifetime I can't lose yeah I

remember the last time you couldn't lose

you were in the parking lot at the track

trying to sell your own blood trying I

made over fifteen dollars my friend

okay one large pepperoni extra cheese

comes to 14.50 oh man I think I've got

some cash in the kitchen well that's

okay Mom I got it

like I can break a hundred dollars you

can keep it

keep it Elder it's Dash in the basement

[Applause]

Daddy's home something you want to tell

me Bob

okay I guess I can't keep it from you

any longer I mean

excuse me I made a couple of bets this

is gambling money yeah oh Bob I didn't

tell you before because I know how much

you hate it you don't get it do you I

don't hate it when you gamble I hate it

when you lose but you are hot well yeah

when I think of all the times my

mother's called you a loser and I'd

always say well let's not get into what

I'd say let's just get naked and roll

around in some money I tried that

there's a 50 I still can't account for

oh yeah

I always loved this part they're both so

full of Hope and joy if you do remember

how this little play is going to end

didn't you

don't ruin it for me I've still got a

full box of Milk Duds

smack I hope you don't think this is

going anywhere well I just mended in a

fraternal sort of way sir as practiced

by the ancient Greeks

yeah perhaps I'm going down a bad Road

here

[Music]

hey

how'd we ever live without this

come on Bob enough suspense where are

you taking me well all I can say is I

hope you've been brushing up on your

fridge

my God you don't mean

[Music]

you know Bob this was a great idea

getting a sitter and going away for a

night I mean it seems like it's been

years since we've been able to make time

for just the two of us well now that we

have let's make the most of it okay I'm

gonna go shopping and hit the spa I'll

be in the sports book so I was eating

about six hours yeah whatever

[Music]

look Bob I had an elbow treatment cost

me four hundred dollars but I think they

look years younger that's great huh what

is this game called anyway I have no

idea but the team in the Red Rubber hats

is gonna win how do you know that's just

a hunch and uh well this thing's never

wrong wow so who is this mysterious

friend of yours with all the Hot Tips

and why do I suddenly have an urge to

rip off my clothes and do unnatural

things well

we could seek the answer in therapy or

we could run upstairs jump into bed and

see what goes where

thank you

this one's dirty

so how's our little project going Bob oh

the charity thing you know helping out

wherever I can

feels good to help others

so tell me do you really think Lucifer

is letting you use that Gadget of his

for free he usually expects a little

something in return well of course I was

gonna bring him back a t-shirt

your soul a t-shirt

I suppose if it had a pocket so what

you're saying is accepting gambling tips

from the devil could have a downside

food for thought it's never free Bob

nothing is

oh

look this

remains Bob I hope you're not already

scheduled for a one-way trip to you

nowhere but if you are drink lots of

fluids

[Music]

there I'm done with you drop something

ah

look I know what you're up to you're

trying to put me in your Eternal debt

you know that hurts bub well I'm sorry

but I mean have I asked you for anything

well no not yet but maybe just maybe I

have a heart as big as all Outdoors ever

think of that damn it I told myself I

wasn't gonna do this

say look your Red Wings are going to win

five to two tomorrow night really hey

that would clinch home ice for the

playoffs it's that time bub

just like it's your time

you know

you could battle that game and really

come out a winner yeah I could wait a

minute transaction complete what's that

mean

boilerplate stuff I'm sure it's nothing

I know what it means if I make this bet

you own my soul tell you what make the

BET and if it turns out that's true

here's an 800 number you can call no

never

they say you'll get right through but

you end up waiting an hour forget it

my elbows are young and pretty again

oh relax Mick but wait Bob doesn't have

it anymore how are you going to get his

soul it's not his cell and I'm off to

dip what

you know I've been thinking about

dropping my classes but honey going back

to school has been like a dream of yours

we have all this money now who needs

college no no no more changes let's just

quit while we're ahead we have enough to

pay off some bills pay back your folks

own and manage a fleet of Top Fuel funny

cars and get back to the way things were

almond get that Fountain off your front

lawn it's an eyesore then your wife

would have to go back to drink it out of

the toilet

we've made a life here Bob I'm just so

tired of living month to month lying

awake at night wondering how we're going

to pay the bills I just want a chance to

buy some nice clothes go out to a decent

restaurant once in a while honey and

then everyone whoever gave us crap about

a late payment can get in line and kiss

my big Rich a*s you know I have the same

dream we just can't get there gambling

okay

[Music]

hey well this is sweet the wings are up

by three goals only a minute and a half

to go I guess I've got time for one more

beer here you go buddy it's on me ah

thanks

huh it's you so your Red Wings are

looking good that's right but what's

really satisfying is knowing that you've

got no claim on me I'm a free man yes

you are Bob I've lost

I guess I'll just have to conceal myself

with the fact that Donna placed the bets

and when this game's over She's mine

right what Donna sweetheart tell me that

you didn't bet this game oh Bob I know

we said no more gambling but when I saw

this little bad boy on my vanity this

morning I figured you must have wanted

me Oh I thought you were after me why

would you do this hello I'm pure evil it

was either this or entertainment law you

can't take Donna she's my wife she's the

mother of my children interesting but

you know if I don't sell all these

they'll dock my pay beer here oh Donna

you don't understand what you've done oh

I understand in exactly one minute and

10 seconds We're not gonna have to deny

ourselves anything anymore

nothing we're gonna be filthy stinking

Rich excuse me could you please sit down

I'll take care of you later

it's our time Bob the sky's the limit I

want it all oh God no Oh Donna this is

all my fault I don't know how

but somehow I've got to save you

[Music]

Aston Ranger this guy's nothing but put

some in the net I gotta tell you this is

such an honor I'm perhaps your biggest

yes

[Applause]

[Music]

oh attention Red Wings fans time to

check your ticket stops the winner of

the 303 weekend minutes on Detroit

cellular is Section 5 row wc2 damn not

my day

oh God he's up there take him out

side take him outside is what I meant

oh that's on my Jumbotron hey what do

you know that's me

okay buddy give it up

he's right Bob it's been a lot of fun

but it's over he's mine

[Laughter]

[Music]

Justice

foreign

s lost I believe they called it a

forfeit

which makes you now the most hated man

in Detroit Donna what you have to know

is the devil was this close Bob stop it

I'm trying very hard to understand why

you would throw away our one chance at

Financial Freedom and what I really

don't need right now is some c*ck

story about you and your stupid

Imaginary Friends

okay

we were turning into people I didn't

like what happy successful people Donna

I have a boat I don't want a boat I only

bought it to piss the neighbors off and

when I want to do that I can always set

up the old drum kit in the driveway it's

about values honey I don't think that

either one of us was setting a very good

example for the kids I thought that ship

had sailed I did it for you honey

you have to believe me

you know the weird thing is I do

it's not something I'm proud of but I do

so do we have enough left for bail oh

yeah

well see you in a week Bob Donna

oh boy

first off I should tell you I'm a very

inconsiderate lover I know Bob I've

heard Donna's prayers

you know I have to admit I just about

given up on you on this one nice to see

you make the right choice well it's

about time I got a little credit around

here you deserve it now about this

charity work oh fine whatever although

now that I'm the scourge of all Detroit

I can't imagine who'd want to have me

around oh I can

ow hey Bob isn't this great ow great

they're not even trying to hit the

target yeah but at five bucks a pop

think of all the good work you're doing

geez why these people really don't like

you well I'd better go get in line wait

wait

God

hey

ow ow hey that was a ski boot

[Music]

thank you