01x06 - God's Favorite

[bunniefuu]

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thank you

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hello oh oh hi oh hi I thought we were

playing handball at the club I lost

track of time my bad what are you

working on that oh nothing just a you

know a potting shed because I thought I

saw a Galaxy

a Galaxy

so should we go play too late I had a

nut cluster on the way over here and now

I'm all bloated look I know I haven't

made time for you lately but I promise

I'll make it up to you we'll go golfing

next week just us just us I'll arrange

for a nice day and wear some golf shoes

your Hooves tear up the greens oh yes

it's my Hooves it's not that you putt

like my own Betty

damn it

wow look at that my toast fell butter

side up what are the odds oh that's

right one and two wait hang on just a

second

no you're right one and two

it's just sort of weird ever since I

become God's Prophet it's like things

been going my way have you noted

yes a decal when it rains it pours mom

how come we don't go to church ask Daddy

he talks to God well you know son we did

try a lot of different churches over the

years it was hard to choose your father

was looking for one that would let him

shot g*n beers and Heckle the minister

you see Andy most people go to church to

get close to God last night the almighty

and I watched wrestling together in our

underwear so is he like your friend I'd

like to think we're close can you have

him make Teddy stevage head explode

no harm in asking

his family is pathetic hi honey how was

your sleepover Britney's family is so

cool they're nothing like this family

they are so much fun they really talk to

each other and they really listen which

one is Brit they do everything together

they eat together you want waffles not

now I have to call Brittany move

she's right you know we really don't do

stuff together sure we do name one thing

we've done together in the last year

easy there was uh

well all right last Christmas we

never mind

God's blowing me

to smick maybe he's planning a surprise

party for you he's not planning us for

loons a pony ride three kinds of pie is

it just me or is this sounding like a

great party smack the seven iron oh yeah

you're filming your elbow sir that's

better

and this is how I wash my hair and this

is how I wash my belly and this is how I

wash the Donna

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oh man if you could see the look on your

face

scared the crap out of me I know I know

so how are you Bob could you throw me a

towel oh for Pete's sake I'm your maker

you have a beautiful healthy male on

second thought let's get that towel

listen there's something I need to ask

you

lately these things have been happening

to me yeah right well I mean they're

good things and I was wondering so what

do you think about this for a new

universe this time I want to really keep

things simple we just go with four

elements oxygen hydrogen nitrogen and

cork uh not the nitpick but I don't

think Cork's an element well whatever

the hell it is I like it wait a minute

you're not going to destroy the universe

are you you asked me to save it I think

I'm doing a pretty good job

uh-huh well you know it never hurts to

have a backup plan Bob I don't want to

get caught flat-footed that's how I

ended up with this Mass so this is

definitely back burner stuff oh sure oh

here's another idea a planet entirely

covered by water no land at all just

water you mean like that Kevin Costner

movie I didn't even see that

hey don't listen to me you created the

sponge I mean I never would have hit on

the concept of absorbency well thanks

Bob but don't put yourself down I value

your opinion you're my special guy I am

I gotta run

Bob what are you doing just looking at a

special guy

better you than me

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hey Bob check this out aboard the plane

that went down in burkano fazo yesterday

was a member of the morrow naba's royal

family so I just moved up a notch in the

succession line Mike you're not

descended from African royalty your

dad's a mattress salesman he's not even

the mattress king that's Kenny's dad

you know some of those kings have 300

wives That's gotta increase the odds of

having sex

at least for the first year can we get

back to reality God appeared to me in my

bathroom this morning I was trying to

ask him about these things that have

been happening to me it's like I'm

blessed or something

wait that didn't touch me look at this

Mike see this is what I'm talking about

it went right through my jacket maybe I

am blessed I mean if I'm going to be

God's messenger maybe he wants to make

sure that I don't get hurt

of course that's gotta be it

I just wish there was some way I could

be sure

holy

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stop the line stop the line Uno

jump

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ing

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this cannot be good

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I'm gonna die don't worry about Donna

she can be one of my wives

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oh that was a lucky break

wait a minute

Luck's got nothing to do with it God has

made me indestructible you know what

this means now I can go to the zoo and

tease the Bears

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oh good you're home look I'm making Nana

Jules chicken pot pie and I'm going to

show you how to make biscuits that is so

transparent what I complain that we

don't have a family dinner or you try to

make a family dinner really Mom this is

so desperate Megan what is your problem

my problem is no one understands me my

problem is you won't leave me alone my

problem is that you're my family it's

nothing personal well I'm sorry but

you're stuck with me now we are going to

have a family dinner and we will have

biscuits and you will put them in a

lightly greased pan and watch the damn

things rise until they're golden brown

and delicious no I won't why do you have

to do everything wrong Britney's mom

just ordered pizza

guess who had a great day guess whose

life has changed Bob you really don't

want to sing to me right now won't take

no for an answer not from My Best Girl

bad girl it's not over yet

honey I'm sorry but I just can't let it

get me down because as I've said I've

had a great day and I think your mood's

gonna change when you hear the great

news that I have for you are you ready

honey

I'm indestructible

yep not capable of being destroyed

you want to bet

hey Andy wanna set my t-shirt on fire

sure give me that maybe later dad

well you know where to find me thanks a

good kid Bob I am at a low ebb right now

with Megan it's like I know no matter

what I do it's gonna be wrong and yet I

can't stop trying to make it right and I

need some support from you so do me a

favor can you please go five minutes

without acting crazy crazy huh is that

what you think is this crazy

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and I said I do no wonder the priest

asked me twice

come on I'll let you break stuff on me

that's the spirit

hey

I hope you don't mind I was working in

the neighborhood and I thought I'd pop

by and see how you're doing oh by the

way have you seen God lately uh not

lately don't try to cover for him I know

what's going on I hear things I'm

plugged in well I saw him the other day

did he mention me I don't know he was

all into these plans for another

Universe I knew it potting shed my a*s

uh do you mind I'm sorry

did they mention a Hell in this new

universe he didn't say that is so like

him

it's not as if I don't bring anything to

the table I have ideas good idea here's

one itchy lava that's just off the top

of my head look this isn't a good time

it's right before dinner don't push me

right now I'm a little raw do you know

who you're talking to here's a hint

God's favorite what don't play dumb with

me I know about the indestructible thing

oh the indestructible thing so you found

out about that huh yes I did oh you're

gonna love it it's a lot of fun have you

tried jumping in front of a train yet

where's Mom I know she wants me to

apologize but I just can't do it

apologizing makes me crazy I get this

black ball of anger in the pit of my

stomach and I just want to bite

something

very nicely

now then if God asks I wasn't here I

wasn't looking for him I don't care what

his plans are of whether they include me

or not got it I don't care

well then splendid

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you're up late I couldn't sleep did God

call yeah it's Becky didn't

uh what's the w*r map doing down Sit

Downs Max it down look I know I've been

acting a little emotionally lately a

little irrational

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all right here's the plan tomorrow we

take ever

go geez

does he think I'm full did you think I

wouldn't find out about his new universe

tried to shock me aside I've got news

for him I don't shunt easy where would

he be without me

heaven will be full of people he

couldn't stand let him try sitting

through one dinner with the Gundersen

see how he likes it he wouldn't make it

past the tabouli how much coffee have

you had that's not an issue this was

bound to happen sooner or later and the

timing couldn't be better he's gone soft

complacent this time we'll have the

element of surprise but sir discipline

is slack it's an all-volunteer army now

they're just in it for the girls it will

be glorious

I will scale the walls of paradise and

raise it to its foundations the cosmos

will crack and tremble with the awful

dead

I will rise triumphant I will I I and

and then he'll he'll everything

everything will

why we're too cool

I know I know it hurts

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can you fly no can you bring steel yeah

what about x-ray vision I told you I'm

just indestructible oh well that's good

dad so what's the big mystery where are

we going

someplace fun for the whole family fun

Freddy's Family Fun Center you need that

horrible dumb pathetic single dads drag

their kids to on Saturdays to cram in

quality time maybe we should just go get

some ice cream no I know you want us to

bond honey but we're bonded Megan you

love us don't you I don't hate you and

we don't hate you see honey we are going

to the Fun Center Bob the place where

families can leave their cares behind

and just have fun fun and I don't want

to hear another word about it and here

we are

Hey look it's fun Freddy the bunny of

fun

howdy kids get away from me fun Freddy

or I will kick you in your Fun Center oh

I don't love that

I want to play Skee-Ball

hey you want to play viscera fine we're

here

that's okay try again okay you want to

give it a little more

okay now you're getting there

all right really wind up this time and

let her

is there a bar in this place here's your

fun beer sir

wow beer makes it worse I don't want to

live in a world where beer makes it

worse

God wait wait a minute I just want to

get my money's worth

okay

I'll show you a couple of things

what's this it's my new universe oh I

get it you wanted to run it by your

special guy uh-huh

uh-huh

I don't want to bust your chops but it

looks a lot like the old one isn't that

Earth well yeah but I moved some things

around First Step I've eliminated France

they've made some nice contributions but

frankly I'm done with them kangaroo

flying that plane oh yeah yeah that's

the other thing I thought I'd let

marsupials have a chance to be on top

this time uh-huh what about man oh he's

somewhere in the food chain wait that

makes it sound like we're being eaten

now you'll notice some other

improvements

get my liver get my liver I got it I got

it there I got it use the cloth use the

fire oh yeah

all right looking good

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you know when I was your age my mom and

dad used to take the whole family on

camping trips together yeah yeah

I hated it

you did I sure did that is so cool

this is okay Mom yeah yeah

oh by the way I got suspended for

smoking

um of course you did

how many tickets did you get Andy four

thousand wow what'd you get plastic

magnifying glass see my thumb looks

slightly larger so we all had fun yes

indeed 87 bucks worth of family

togetherness I better get some cash for

tomorrow not too late to go back and

have more fun not too late to bite my

a*s fun Freddy

give me your money you're robbing me now

this is going to be fun give me your

money I heard you the first time okay

now let me get this straight I'm

supposed to give you my money just

because you have a g*n honey I'm

indestructible

no what no Bob

hey if you don't hi

hi

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ow my finger ow why'd you hit me you've

got the g*n that was awesome dad dad he

could have shot you I should have shot

him oh yeah well my dad would have

caught the b*llet in his teeth and and

spin it right back at you oh now Andy

come on well I could have but no reason

to scare the women folk Bob I had

everything under control at all times

let's not forget that a g*n means

something very different to you than it

does to me

foreign

I didn't want to embarrass you last

night in front of the kids but you've

gone insane and we have to

institutionalize you can't you just be

happy for me that God's made me Immortal

no Bob I can't man the one Joy I have in

life flouting death and you want to take

it away from me it's not just about you

Bob there's the rest of the family to

consider I'm not hurting anyone Bob who

am I hurting oh my God end it

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[Applause]

man another search a rush I never felt

so alive

okay you're right I'll never flout death

again

this is sweet Andy won't find out so it

won't hurt him I'll just be a big fat

liar and that's okay that won't hurt

anyone

can we go higher this time it just seems

I don't know so Jane I mean you guys do

such a good job you've thought of

everything where's the thrill

yeah this is lemon Bob what are you

doing this is incredible you're going to

die I'm not gonna die trust me I know

about these things but you'll save me no

I won't I don't work that way but what

about the factory and the knives and the

guy with the g*n and there's such a

thing as dumb luck Bob but I thought I

was your special guy you are my special

guy and that guy down there whose sh**t

is opening

he's my special guy the guy who's going

to scrape you off the asphalt he's my

special guy wait a minute everyone's

your special guy of course oh

that's kind of nice

I'm gonna die looks like it

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I'm not g*y or anything

okay I want to know one thing am I in

your plans what your new universe am I

in your plans yes or no this is about

missing our golf date isn't it you

didn't even call I had to hear about it

third hand you're right that was rude I

just think when people make plans they

I'm sorry you know it'd be easier if you

didn't take these things so personally

you make it hard

look I promise if I do make a new

universe there'll be a place for you

that's all I've ever asked

so I was thinking we could go to the

Tigers game tonight sounds good to me

Ben

I was hoping maybe we could pry your

fingers off my where are the seats count

us in Bena better hit the head before we

leave oh man hey did I complain when you

had to go

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foreign

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