04x07 - Still the New Leave It to Beaver

[bunniefuu]

Up next is The New Leave it to Beaver

Whoa, what a trip!

Ah, Kip. You're finally home.

Hey, dad!

Hi, dad.

Wally, aren't you going to give Kevin a hug?

He's a clone, Mary Ellen.

Hello in there! It's daddy!

Hey, you guys are great!

Yeah, who would have thought we'd ever get a chance to jam with the guys who opened for

the guys who opened for Paul McCartney's brother?

Here's a little something I've been working on.

Goes something like this.

Freddie, Freddie

before we start up again, I gotta call my dad.

Uh, "Call My Dad," that's the name of a new song we're working on.

Excuse me.

Kip, you got a peach pit for a brain?

Your dad'll just tell you to come home.

Don't call.

Freddie, it's 1:30 in the morning, my dad's gonna k*ll me if I don't call.

At 1:30 in the morning the old Beaver's hibernating,

he'll never know what time you sneak in,

and if you wake him up, you're nothing more than an inconsiderate lout.

To think of it, he probably is asleep by now.

That's a good son.

Alright, it goes something like this.

Wally, the phone's ringing.

Tell Eddie to get a bail bondsman...

Hello?

It's Beaver. Kip's missing.

I told you, I'll have the money Tuesday!

Hey let us in, will ya?

Hey, Eddie-

Well, well, well, if it isn't Buster Brown and his dog Tige!

Hey Beav, if those are the pajamas you usually wear, it's amazing you even have one kid!

Kip's missing and we thought maybe Freddie might know where he is.

We tried calling you, but your phone's busy.

Oh yeah, I took it off the hook.

Gert's mother's in the hospital, I didn't want her getting any bad news.

If she does, I have to listen to her wailing all night.

Can we talk to Freddie?

Yeah, his bedroom's down the...

See, which one is his room?

Oh hey, you know when you call on somebody this late, it's only customary to bring a little refreshment.

Freddie's missing too!

Hmm. I could've sworn I saw him just a couple of days ago.

Eddie, it's past 3:00, aren't you worried?

Not really, if he can't afford an attorney one will be appointed for him.

Hey, wait up.

Are you coming with us?

No!

But you can pick me up a six-pack.

I got a 7:00 tea time, and I'm bone dry!

Gertrude!

Love pumpkin, I have a little errand for you.

Oh, hiya Grandma.

Where have you been?

In the kitchen?

Do you know what you've put us through?

We had no idea where you were,

you could have been dead!

Well. Aren't you glad I'm not?

What did you think, Kip?

That we'd be asleep, and we wouldn't be any the wiser?

Well, that was the plan.

Kip, are you okay?

I'm fine.

Well, I bet we're all real tired.

Maybe we should talk about this in the morning.

It is morning young man.

Kip, how could you do this to your dad?

I can handle this, Wally.

He was scared to death!

I can handle this, Mom.

Kip!

I don't know what to say to you.

How 'bout...

I love you so, I'll forget this incident.

This is serious!

If you're gonna live in this house, you're gonna obey the rules!

Dad, I'm 17 and a half years old. I shouldn't have to punch a timeclock!

You don't have to punch a timeclock.

And you don't have to drive the car for the next month either.

Jeez, Tony Bellino didn't get in this much trouble and he was gone for three days!

He was kidnapped!

There is a difference.

But dad, I need the car! We have a gig in Bellport next weekend!

You don't seem to be getting the picture. You're grounded.

Why are you doing this to me?

You'll understand when you have children of your own.

But dad-

Not another word!

Good job.

Maybe this'll teach you to listen to me.

What do you mean?

I keep trying to tell you. You're too good all the time.

Whenever you try to pull something like this, dad goes crazy.

He's so used to me messing up, now all he does is shake his head and say,

"What am I gonna do with you?"

I'm a senior in high school, I mean he treats me like I'm a baby.

Hey.

I'm gonna be a freshman next year.

He still clips on my mittens.

I wish he'd get a steady girlfriend.

Then he'd have something to do besides worry about us all the time.

So which lecture did he give you?

"Your poor grandmother was scared to death" or,

"do you have any idea how many grey hairs you gave me?"

Nah. He went with,

"One day you'll understand when you have children of your own."

Well, when you do, be sure to only have one so the brother doesn't keep him up all night.

Whoa, what a trip!

Hey! Where's my luggage?

Ah, Kip. You're finally home.

Hey, dad!

Something's wrong with your beam.

Oh, I know.

It's been acting up all day.

I've been trying to get it fixed, it's only got 5,000 transports on it!

See? I told you not to buy the floor model.

Oh, live and learn.

So how was the concert?

Incredible!

You know it's amazing, even after being a rockstar for over 25 years,

it's still a thrill performing for only 700,000 screaming fans.

Well, you're home now. So just relax and let your hair down.

Good deal.

Hey now! Daddy's home!

Uh, the kids aren't here.

Kyle's not home from school, and Kurt took the hovercraft over to the little league field.

Oh.

Any calls?

Your ex-wife called from Saturn,

she's still trying to find herself.

Chicks.

Hello?

I'm his father.

Something wrong?

Honey, I'm home!

We're in the kitchen!

Hi, Teddie!

Hi, Lettie.

Hi, baby Eddie!

Hello, Freddie.

Boy, you look beat.

And why wouldn't I?

First mommy and me classes and then junior gym,

and then baby Eddie had his IQ implant.

I wish I could have helped, but I got busy trying that case in front of the supreme court,

blocking the sale of Wyoming to the Australians.

I can't believe the Japanese wanna sell it!

All I know is I'm exhausted.

There, there, my poor baby pumpkin rabbit ear.

Just sit down and relax!

Hello in there! It's daddy!

Honey...

I guess now's as good a time as any to tell you,

I'm afraid this is gonna have to be the last baby.

What?!

It can't be!

You know how I do so love a little bundle in my arms!

Oh please, you know I don't like the children to see you like this.

Besides, we have Grandma's birthday party to discuss.

Okay, I ordered the flowers and the cake, and my parents said they'd beam in around 7:00.

My little petunia, how old is your Grandmother anyway?

I have no idea.

But I doubt it they print birthday cards that go that high.

Oh, I have to try calling my brother again.

Oh, Kevin called.

He's coming?

Not exactly. He's busy so he's sending his clone.

Oh, not him again, that clone is so dull.

Well, your brother's not exactly a ball of fire himself.

Kip!

It's so good to see you!

Would you like to try some of my lemon coffee cake that you love so much?

Sounds groovy!

But the school just called, Ms. Gizba wants to see us about Kyle and Bettie.

What?! My Bettie in trouble?

Oh, my stars and bars!

Honey don't you worry, I'll handle it like I always do.

Ms. Gizba we truly regret this unfortunate incident.

The fact remains your children have committed adverse behavior #410.

410? What is that, cheating on a hearing test?

Inappropriate response.

#410. Leaving group while on field trip to the moon. Do you realize they nearly ran out of oxygen?

Well Ms. Gizba, I can assure you we will take care of this.

You will now address your (???) offspring.

Oh mother, you look positively radiant this afternoon!

And Ms. Gizba, may I say your leg warmers look especially lovely today.

That's enough apple polishing, young lady.

I will be dormant while you discipline your offspring.

Children, your uncle and I are very disappointed in you two.

Well, in all fairness we haven't really heard their side of the story yet.

We just wanted to have a snowball fight in zero gravity.

See?

And of course we didn't go near the dark side.

You just remember next time to tell your teacher before you go.

That's it? I can't believe you! Something terrible could have happened!

Aw, come on! How often do they get to play in zero gravity? Once, twice a year?

No one was hurt. Let em' have fun!

Kids can't always have fun, they need rules!

You sound like my father. They're young! Let em' have fun!

An inspirational philosophy, sir.

Young lady, you're grounded! And for the next two weeks you're going to the sleep chamber at 1900 hours!

Aw, mom!

Bummer.

Thanks for getting me out of trouble, dad.

Hey, hey, hey, what are fathers for?

Dad, you're the bestest.

Hi everybody!

Here's grandma's favorite, the special cheese and soy loaf.

Freddie was up all last night baking it.

Well it takes time to get the crust flaky, not soggy.

You see, I always add my water to my flour, never my flour to my water.

I stir, don't blend, three tablespoons of butter and just a pinch of gouda.

Hey Beav, there's something wrong with your beam.

Oh, I don't know dear, I think I lost a few pounds somewhere along the trip.

Well, looks like it's all there to me!

What did you bring us?

Well, I brought you kids a big bag of vitamins!

Oh, darn, I must have left the vitamins at home!

But I did bring laser Monopoly!

And nuclear horseshoes!

And the Rolling Stones' latest release:

"I Can't Get No Medication!"

Have fun!

Alright kids!

So Wally, how's retirement treatin' ya?

Oh, it's terrific Beav, we've been doing a lot of traveling, just got back from touring the Los Angeles ruins.

You know it's amazing, they say people will actually be able to live there again one day.

Mom! Dad!

Kevin! How are you?

Oh, I'm fine mom.

Wally, aren't you gonna give Kevin a hug?

He's a clone, Mary Ellen.

Yes, but you could be nice to him, clones have feelings too.

Hi, dad.

I am not your dad.

Kevin, tell me everything.

Come on, let's go ask.

Mom? Dad? Can we go outside and play nuclear horseshoes?

Sorry kids, grandma'll be here soon, then we'll be having dinner.

Besides, you know how hard it is to wash nuclear waste off your hands.

Aw, let em' play!

No!

Grandma!

h*! h*! h*!

No crowding the senator!

Around here I'm grandma and you can crowd me all you want!

Okay, but that's three minutes less for goodbyes.

Ollie, this is family, lighten up.

And the senator's position on families is very well known across this great land of ours.

Sometimes I wish you had a real job.

Nice beam, Beav! Too bad I didn't have any marshmallows in my pocket!

That's it. From now on if anybody wants to use the beam go over to Kelly and Freddie's.

Everyone! This is Fabeth.She's a-uh, perfume model.

Well Eddie, you're-uh, you're looking good.

Why shouldn't I? I'm rich!

It's just so sad that Gert can't be here to share in some of this happiness.

But I console myself with the insurance money I got from her-uh, unfortunate boating accident.

By the way dad, the police are thinking about reopening the investigation-

Ah, forget them!

The important thing is that your stated mother always wanted us to be happy.

And, thanks to the 42 million the jury awarded me, your mother's finally getting her wish.

Say, Wal!

You and the missus still wasting your time trying to save the whales?

Uh, that's whale Eddie, there's only one left.

Nice job.

Eddie, don't you see that she's just using you?

So?

In twenty years I'll die happy. In twenty years, you'll just be dead!

Eddie, you're still a creep.

Let's get out of here!

This is gonna be so boring,

they'll simply start up again about how they used to have to walk three blocks to school.

But we promised we wouldn't go outside!

(???), we don't have to set one foot outside, if we take the beam.

Oh, how wonderful, we're all together again!

Who wants soup?

We have cream of broccoli and tomato with rice.

Doesn't that look wonderful?

Did you make that, Mary Ellen?

Yes I did!

Great job!

Thank you!

We seem to be missing someone.

Kyle and Bettie! I told them not to go out and play.

Why can't you just let the kids have some fun?

Teddie, would you please go out and find them?

I don't think I can.

Teddie, you heard your mother.

But they're not there! They took the beam.

The beam?

Nobody's supposed to take the beam, I even turned off the retrieve mode!

Well, that means their molecules could be anywhere in the galaxy by now!

My Kyle knows he's never allowed to take the beam alone.

And how's he supposed to know that? You let him do whatever he wants!

Alright, that's enough of that.

The most important thing is that we bring these kids back immediately!

See, these beam problems are a direct result of the current administration's policies!

Grandma, I think we have a new issue here.

Let's just find the kids.

I'm on your wavelength now, senator. Great photo opportunity.

Shut up, Oliver.

Come on man, it's been two hours! You gotta find them!

Look, I'm doing the best I can!

Of course you are, dear.

You think it's easy programming a household? And raising a family without so much as a robo-maid?

My poor little granddaughter, I may never see her again.

Mom, that's why it's important to always save those fingernail clippings.

You never know when you'll want a clone!

That's my luggage!

Where are the kids?

Where's Kyle?

Bettie Haskell, you're in big trouble, you can just forget about summer camp on Jupiter this year!

You listen to your mother, missy!

Oh!

My goodness!

What happened to the rest of you?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm sure it'll show up.

This is terrible!

Look on the bright side, think what he'll save on pants!

Don't worry Kip, I'm sure his legs will show up.

However if they don't,

thanks to the senator's new legislation, he can still be a productive member of society.

Or he can be a bottomless dancer!

Don't you know you scared your father to death?

Dad, I can handle this.

How could you do this to him?

Uncle Wally, I can handle this!

Kyle? How could you do this to me?

I mean, don't you know how scared I was?

Hey, what's the big deal?

You're treating me like a baby, I'm eleven, I'm almost eleven and a half!

So my legs are temporarily missing!

Man, so is your brain!

You know, if you had followed the rules, this never would have happened!

Hey, what happened to you, dad?

You used to be cool, you never worried about rules!

Yeah, well now I do. And you'll understand one day when you have kids of your own.

Course, if we don't get the rest of you back, you never will.

Man, why don't you just-

Wake up!

Kip! Wake up!

Dad! Did you find Kyle's legs?

What?

I was having the weirdest dream.

I was grown up and...

...you were really old.

Yeah, well, that's nice but, get a move on. You're gonna be late for your grandma's birthday brunch.

Dad.

Are you still mad at me for last night?

Well, of course.

Cause I care about you.

Parents are like that.

I just want you to know I'm sorry.

You know, sometimes it's hard for a guy my age to realize what a lousy frustrating job it is to be a father.

And the hours are pretty bad too.

Dad?

Could, um,

you do me a favor and,

take a look at the top of my head to see if I'm going bald?