03x05 - Family Feud

[bunniefuu]

- [BELL DINGS]
- TRAY: Alright. Alright.

This is right here...

the legendary Tray Barker
Thanksgiving Special.

That doesn't look like turkey.

Because it's not. You understand me?

Thanksgiving is all about the yams.

And your daddy made the best
yams in Clinton State Facility.

Well, it looks good to me.

No, no, no.

This right here got to
feed our whole family,

even the ones we don't like so much.

I can't wait to meet
your side of the family.

Who all is coming?

Your grandmother's gonna be there,

- her sisters, Uncle D...
- Mm-hmm.

... Skeeter, Fred, and
Negative-a*s Jimmy.

"Negative-a*s Jimmy"?

Is that his full name,
like Tyler, the Creator?

[LAUGHTER]

Well, you could say so.

But, yes, the whole
family's gonna be there.

Well... we were wondering
if you would be mad

if we left a little early.

Cassie invited us to her friends-giving.

A friends-giving?

Nope. Not gonna happen.

- [SIGHS]
- Amira, don't give me that look.

Listen... this is the first
time I've had Thanksgiving

with the whole family in 15 years.

I'm gonna need y'all
there. You're my kids.

Sorry, Cassie.

Mr. Barker, come on.

Both of my parents will be there.

You can talk to either of them,

and we can give her a ride
home. Come on, please.

Thanksgiving is about family,
good food, and togetherness.

Goodbye, Siri.

Huh? No, that's not Siri.

♪♪

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You okay?

Yeah. It's been a long time
since I've seen everybody.

You're gonna be fine.

Look, I bet they can't wait to see you.

Amira...

not everybody.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, babies!

- Hi!
- Hey!

- Hey, Grandma.
- Hello.

- Mwah! [LAUGHS]
- Hey, Mommy.

- Happy Thanksgiving.
- You are late.

Making something special.

You lucky it smells so good.

Come here!

Hey, Ma. Oh.

I am so happy to see you! Mwah!

- [TIRES SCREECH]
- Yeah.

Good God.

Oh, Lord. And Jimmy.

JIMMY: g*dd*mn Uber Pool!

God damn! I could have
walked and got here faster.

You're too close to the g*dd*mn curb!

m*therf*cker.

Negative-a*s Jimmy?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

One star. You get one star from me.

Well, should we help him?

- Hell no!
- Hell no! Come in here.

- Close the door.
- Hurry up! Hurry up!

JIMMY: God damn it!

Hey, everybody!

Come here. Tray's here!

Is that my Tray-Tray?

Oh, Aunt Mercedes.

- Give me some sugar, sugar!
- Oh, yes!

- Oh!
- How do you feel?

Well, I got a-a pinch of
gout and a dash of sciatica

and a sprinkle of Alzheimer's.

Other than that, I'm fine
as wine and sharp as a tack.

It's so good to see you again.

See who?

Hey, I thought doing
time would age a man,

but you look better than ever, Tray.

I mean, like you've been
doing 15 years in the spa!

[LAUGHS] Thanks a lot, Uncle D.

It's good to see you, baby.

- So what's up, stranger?
- Oh, Aunt Rainy!

I was looking for you!
Oh, my goodness! What up?

- Hey, you still got that $50 you owe me?
- Depends.

You still got them shell-top
Adidas you stole from me?

Oh, you don't forget. Get out of here.

Hey, look, everyone. These are my kids.

- Oh!
- Amira and Shahzad.

Oh. He looks just like you, Tray.

Give me some sugar, Shah-Shah.

Who do we have here?

I bet you take after your mama.

How 'bout giving your Cousin Mo a hug?

Uh, the answer's always "Hell no!"

Ain't you supposed to be
registering where you live?

So they say.

Well, listen, you keep
an eye on this guy.

You stay close to Aunt Rainy.

I'm gonna go in the kitchen
and get this feast started.

We'll go with you.

No, y'all stay here and
get to know your family.

Yeah, girl. You get so tall, baby.

- [POUNDING ON DOOR]
- Lord. Who is it?

JIMMY: Y'all know who the f*ck it is!

Somebody help me in!

I pulled an a*s cheek!

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Fred.

Tray.

Hmm.

What you doing here?

He came to help me cook.

Did you know your cousin is a chef, too?

Yeah, I wonder where he got that idea.

I got that idea from the greatest chef,

Martha Stewart, my idol.

Hmm. Whatever.

Just know the real chef
is here and I can do this.

Okay, don't start, now. Don't start.

There's a lot of food, and I
can use all the help I can get.

- Hey! Hey, Berta! Got the ice!
- Good, good.

- What up, Tray?
- What up, Carl?

Hey, did you know your
cousin Fred was a chef?

A real, real chef?

He got a degree and everything.

Maybe Fred can get you a job, Tray?

- You could pull your weight around here.
- Nah, I don't need his help.

I can do all that on my own, okay?

Alright. I'll see you in the closet.

[CHUCKLES]

Baby, did you bring
the wine like I asked?

Ah, damn, Ma. I was workin' on the yams.

I forgot. Sorry about that.

Have no fear. Fred is here.

I took the liberty

- of grabbing two merlots from the restaurant.
- Ooh!

One of the many perks of
working in the food industry.

What would I do without you?

Oh, stop! [LAUGHS]

Good. Take him with you,
'cause I don't need him.

Yes, you do, baby.

There is a lot of food to be cooked.

I want you to start with the gravy.

Freddie, the stuffing, okay?

And I don't want no nonsense.

Y'all are grown men now, okay?

Don't bring the past into this house

unless you gonna make us all smile.

Ow.

[LAUGHS]

She don't know you.

I know how ratchet you can get.

♪♪

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

[LAUGHS]

AMIRA: Girl, I am so bored.

I mean, there's too many people in here.

It's hot, and it smells like
moth ba*ls and collard greens.

Ew. Well, we're having so much fun here.

Everyone's on their Snaps.

You know, it really sucks
that you couldn't come,

because you're missing out.

Did you find a phone charger? I'm at 8%.

No, but I did find Cousin Skeeter

trying to steal some furniture.

Kids, come over here.
Come and meet your family.

Ain't nobody gonna bite you.

- Yeah.
- Hey!

You steppin' on me!

I-I'm sorry!

The whole damn family sorry.

- Amira, you're... you're 16, right?
- Mm-hmm.

And, uh, how old are you, my man?

Oh, we're the same age. We're twins.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dummy.

Why you so rude?

I'm sure he's gonna have a
growth spurt soon, you know?

I thought you stopped drinking.

No. I stopped cussing
and I stopped smoking,

and the alcohol helps me, damn it.

Now, where you children go to school at?

The Rothman School. In Park Slope?

Yeah, Park Slope.

Well, you know their mama
married a white man, don't you?

A white man?

Skeeter, their father has a name.

- What's his name again?
- Josh.

Josh.

- That sounds wealthy.
- Not important.

He did an excellent job
raising my two bubbies.

Mwah!

Is he cute? Your dad?

He's married, Rainy.

Okay, but is he happy?

[STAMMERS]

Corner! Corner!

Behind you, Tray.

Look, we're just trying to
keep this particular area clear

so I can run my pass through here.

That's culinary-professional talk for,

"n*gga, get out the way".

You are a f*cking dishwasher
and you know it, Fred.

These immaculate appendages
have never touched the dishwater.

Why, I'm on the line at
Jeremy's on the Atlantic.

That's why you dressed
like a funeral home valet?

This is how professional chefs dress.

Whoo! Fred, looking good, baby.

Look at you, baby.

Any of you guys seen my
peanut butter cups, man?

I need something to hold me over

till my man Fred finishes
cooking up in here.

Carl. I'm cooking, too.

That don't make no damn sense, Tray.

Why would you cook when you
got a certified chef right here?

Sizzle.

I don't care about all that sizzle.

I don't care about that. Okay?

You wasn't thinking about cooking

until you saw me doing it.

Cooking, huh?

You mean the food or the crack?

Damn.

Carl. Leave the kitchen.

Now!

Let me tell you something, Fred.

I did my time and paid my debt.

You ain't gonna hold
this sh*t over my head

for the rest of my life.
You understand me?

We both know this cooking
stuff was my dream.

Yeah, Tray. It was your dream.

I made it a reality.

It's not my fault if I'm just
better at everything than you.

And now if you'll excuse me,

I have some professional
cooking to return to.

I'm a professional, too, Fred,

and I'mma show your a*s I can burn.

Speaking of burning,
how is the food truck?

♪♪

♪♪

Are you moonwalking, m*therf*cker?

Y'all want to find out a
little more about your family?

- Yeah.
- Sure.

Okay. Oh!

This is me, Mercedes, and
Claretha at Coney Island Beach.

Ha-ha!

[LAUGHS]

You were so beautiful, Grandma.

Thank you.

Wow, looks like y'all were
having a hot girl summer.

They was. But now they
having a fat girl fall.

f*ck you, Jimmy.

[ROBERTA LAUGHS]

Child, we were really
something in our day.

- Yes, we were.
- Yes.

- Who's that?
- Oh.

That is your wonderful Uncle Jimmy.

He was a w*r hero.

Hell! I still am!

They gave him a Purple Heart.

Hell, S*ddam Hussein done
took my g*dd*mn legs!

Oh, my God.

It was either gonna
be that or the sugar.

Guess who this is.

- AMIRA: Is that our dad?
- Yes, it is.

I-I've never seen a picture
of our dad when he was little.

Ooh, he's so big.

Chunky monkey. [LAUGHS]

- Whoa.
- What?

He was a geek just like me!

Yes. That is the science fair.

His potato clock came in first place.

- Yes.
- Who's that?

That's your cousin Fred.

His tomato clock came in last place,

and they've been competing ever since.

Shucks, even when they were
in the same music group.

Remember? They... Oh.

Crazy, crazy.

Your father and Fred had so much talent,

but they never wanted
to share the limelight.

[CROWD CHEERING, SCREAMING]

♪ Baay-bee ♪

♪ Baby, baby, baaay-bee ♪

♪ Baby, baby... ♪

♪ Baay-bee ♪

♪ Baay... ♪

♪ Baaaaay-bee ♪

- ♪ Baaay-bee ♪
- ♪ Baaay-bee ♪

- ♪ Baaay-bee ♪
- ♪ Baaay-bee ♪

- ♪ Baaay-bee ♪
- ♪ Baaay-bee ♪

Aw! Come on, Fred!

You're holding up the
whole damn kitchen, man!

I got to heat up my yams.

I made yams at the crack of dawn, Tray.

No. I made yams.

[SCOFFS] Okay.

Well, why don't we just take a look?

Yo, what are you doing? Come on, Fred.

See? You playing yourself now.

You don't put your hands
on nobody else's yams, man.

Mm. What's going too far is
those prison kitchen seasonings.

I use the realest of herbs and spices,

from Italy, Tanzania, and El Segundo.

Yeah, well, this come from
Elmira State Penitentiary,

you understand, D block.

- Nutmeg.
- No.

- That's what it needs.
- Don't nutmeg my yams, okay, Fred?

- I will nutmeg your yams.
- Please don't do this, Fred.

- Just a little nutmeg.
- No!

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS, CLANGING]

Hey! Y'all better get over here!

They in there fighting!

[GRUNTING]

Come on, Fred.

Now, what in the hell is going on here?!

What in the "Game of
Thrones" is going on?!

Ma, you should've never invited him!

Everything's a competition
with this dude!

I was just trying to help.

I don't need your help!

He put his hands on my yams.

Tray, knock it off. You're
acting like a child now!

There you go. Taking his side again.

I'm not taking anybody's side.

What is so important about the yams?!

I made them for you, Mommy.



that you liked those marshmallows
from Delancey Street,

so I went and got the
marshmallows from Delancey Street

and put them in the yams... for you.

I would have used blackstrap molasses.

It makes a better reduction.

I-I agree with Fred.

I seen Martha Stewart
use that sh*t, too.

'Cause she's a true professional.

Unlike some other people.

Fred, that is unnecessary.

No, it's okay, Mommy.

'Cause Freddie think he better than me.

No.

Let me tell you something, Fred.

You could never, ever, ever

walk a mile in my shoes.

Amira! Shahzad!

Let's go!

No. Tray. Come on!

Tray! No!

That's what he's good at... running.

[DOOR OPENS]

Fred, shut up!

Tray!

Man, what's a reduction?

- I knew this was a mistake.
- Tray, please. Stop. Stop.

- I should've never come here.
- Just stop. Stop it.

You two, please, go in
the living room, okay?

Just a minute.

Okay, sit.

Sit!

Why you always gotta protect him?

Well, I am so sorry it
seems that way to you,

but when my sister died
and that little baby...

He needed extra attention.

And to be honest, I
needed his after you left.

But I'm your son, not him.

Why he gotta always do what I do?

Because he looks up to you.

Because all I ever did was talk
about Tray, Tray, Tray, Tray.

Tray can cook. Tray can dance.

Tray can make people
laugh. Tray, Tray, Tray.

So you lied?

Just a little bit.

- Ma...
- Just a little bit.

Okay. Okay. [LAUGHING]

Oh!

I just want to apologize.

As a professional, I shouldn't
be giving advice to an amateur.

Fred, whatever.

See? I can be the bigger man.

- Fred.
- Berta.

- Berta, Berta, Berta.
- Huh?

- This like steak apologizing to SPAM.
- Oh.

This is the type of family

- that I want to be a part of!
- Yes.

Since I'm SPAM, you
want to feel like family?

Then take Jimmy to the bathroom.

And hurry up, God damn it!

I ain't got all day!

Okay, Tray, watch this. Come on.

The wipes in the fanny pack.

Oh, okay.

If y'all still feel like you
got some sh*t to settle...

why don't we do it the
old Barker family way?

TOGETHER: Sing-off!

Alright, alright! Bring
it on! Bring it on.

Play my favorite song.

- [THE TEMPTATIONS' "MY GIRL" PLAYS]
- Hey.

- Alright.
- Alright! Okay!

♪ I've got sunshine ♪

♪ On a cloudy day ♪

- Yeah!
- Sing it, baby!

- Okay.
- Get it. That's what's up.

♪ When it's cold outside ♪

♪ I've got the month of May ♪

RAINY: Break it down. Break
it down. Break it down.

ROBERTA: Yes, yes!

BOTH: ♪ Well, I guess you'd say ♪

♪ What can make me feel this way? ♪

♪ My girl ♪

♪ My girl ♪

♪ My girl ♪

♪ Talkin' 'bout my girl ♪

Oh!

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT TALKING]

You won, Tray.

Nah. You got me, cuz. You went higher.

Well, you never could
mess with my falsetto.

Well, that's only 'cause
your ba*ls ain't dropped yet.

No playing.

You are my favorite cousin.

Always.

You always kept striving to be the best.

You're my hero. That's all I gotta say.

When you lost your moms
and came to live with us,

I can remember my mom
saying, "Take him with you".

I used to act like I ain't
like it, but I loved it.

Look there, Cousin, I love you, man.

I love you, too.

- [SMOKE ALARM BEEPING]
- [SIGHS]

Smoke! Something's burning!

Something is burning!

Oh, no.

Sweet Jesus.

No!

Damn. You done ruined the yams.

[GROANS]

We can't have Thanksgiving
without no yams, Fred.

God dang it.

Well, what are we gonna do now?

I got yams.

What?

Oh... The...

Oh. Backup yams. Jesus.

Oh.

That's right. That's right, baby.

Bravo, baby.

Bravo, baby.

You done saved the day, sugar.

♪♪

ROBERTA: Alright, everybody, please,

let's bow our heads, close
our eyes, and give thanks.

Heavenly Father, thank you.

Thank you for bringing my
friends and family together

to bless your holy name.

Thank my two sons for
preparing this meal

that we gonna ingest in our holy temple.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you.

- Amen.
- ALL: Amen.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

♪♪

Would you put that phone away, please?

Oh. I know. I know.

And pass me the bread.

- I was posting something.
- Oh.

Oh, my God.

This is amazing.

Haven't you ever had mac and cheese?

Not without raisins and cranberries.

Next you'll be telling
me ain't no ham hocks

in the collard greens.

[LAUGHTER]

[HUMS FANFARE] The yams is in the house.

Oh!

And the first serving
is going to Ma Dukes.

- Yeah, Ma.
- Ah. Here you go, Mama.

- Thank you.
- Taste that, taste that.

Okay.

I said don't bring the past in my house

unless it makes me smile.

Mmm!

[LAUGHS]

Whoa!

- Hey, y'all, can I say something?
- ROBERTA: Yes.

It sure feel good to be
here eating with my family.

- Yeah.
- Let's enjoy.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

Skeeter, pass that to Rainy.

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

CARL: Everybody, get
tight! It's a lot of y'all!

Everybody get tight! Hey, come on!

Put the... Put the food down.
No eating in the photo.

Baby girl, lookin' beautiful.

Whoo, Berta, you already know.

I'll turn the camera on you by yourself.

Get tight. Jimmy, put
them crutches down!

You don't want to be handicapped
in the photo, do you?

Hurry up, God damn it!

- Nobody move!
- [CAMERA BEEPING]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

God damn it!