03x07 - In Da Club

[bunniefuu]

Hey, thanks for fixing
that window guard, Tray.

Mmmm. Done.

I wish I was handy like my
dad. He could fix anything.

You should have him come over, man.

I could use a break.

- Well, that would be a problem.
- Why?

Oh, uh, Laura doesn't like my parents.

She thinks my mom is too controlling,

so she told me we can't
see them for a while.

I remember when Shay didn't want
my kids to meet my moms, man,

but once she seen how the
kids took to my mother,

it was all good.

When's the last time
you saw your people?

Uh, two years.

Two years?

You mean your parents never met Ace?

No, no, uh, Laura allows me to
send pictures and videos, so...

What?

You let your wife run
your life like that?

No, Tray, my wife does not run me.

Man, your wife run your
life like a French poodle

in the Westminster Dog Show.

Okay, you know what, that...
that's not fair, Tray.

What's not fair is your parents
don't even know they grandkids.

It's a compromise, you know?
I get that you don't understand that.

- You're not married.
- Not married, but I've been in prison.

One time I was locked
up with Lil' Ronnie.

Everybody in the prison
thought he was the easy mark

'cause he was 5'5" with dimples.

He started fighting with Harold Supreme

for three days, going
back and forth, hammers.

On the fourth day, Lil' Ronnie
wasn't messed with no more.

Okay, what am I supposed
to do, fight my wife?

No, but take a stand
so she can respect you.

No, you know what?

I'm gonna demand that
we go see my parents.

My kids deserve to
know their grandparents,

and Laura needs to
learn how to respect me.

[CHUCKLES]

It's a joke. It's a... a Christmas joke.

[CHUCKLES]

TRAY: Oh, Paul, Paul, Paul.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[GROANING]

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Wait a minute!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Paul?
- Hi, I took your advice

and I-I stood up to Laura.

[LAUGHS] Yes, my man.

I told her if my parents
don't see my kids,

I'm out of here.

[LAUGHS]

No, no, no, no.

No, you're not staying in here.

But you're the one who
told me to take a stand.

Yes, but in your own apartment!

Tray, please!

For a couple days.

If I go back to her now, she's
never gonna take me seriously.

Please?

Okay, man, but just for a few days.

- Thank you, thank you.
- You get the couch, man.

Don't touch my sh*t.

You got it, all right?

Oh, wow.

♪♪

[GROANS]

♪♪

[YAWNS]

♪♪

Paul!

Hey, good morning.

What'd you do with all my stuff?

Oh, uh, well, I hate clutter,

so I put all your paperwork in folders

and I organized your house.

But my house was already organized...

organized confusion!

I had a system, Paul.

All the bills I can pay,
I put on this desk.

All the bills I can't pay,
I put in the trash!

"Better to keep yourself
clean and bright for you

are the window through which
you must see the world".

A fortune cookie?

Uh, "Real Housewives
of Atlanta", actually.

Oh.

Paul!

Where are my barbecue spare ribs,

my macaroni and cheese, okay?

What is this gluten-free
stuff and this organic stuff?

Yeah, I j... I just did a
little quick shopping run.

It's good. It's fresh stuff.

- [SPITS]
- Oh.

Where's the sugar in the soda?

Uh, you don't need all those carbs

- and high-fructose corn syrup.
- No, no!

Paul, you don't got to do that.

I don't got to lose weight.

Actually, your cholesterol
is way too high.

I mean, did you read
what Dr. Lendhardt wrote?

My man, I don't listen to the doctor.

I got knowledge, wisdom,
and understanding, okay?

I have the knowledge to know I'm hungry.

I have the wisdom to
know to put them ribs

and some of them pig feet in my stomach.

And I have the understanding to know

I'm not supposed to
eat 'em, but guess what.

I don't give a f*ck.

Why don't you try a rice
cake and peanut butter?

- No.
- They're really good.

- No, Paul.
- I want to...

You don't got to do this.

I know, I kn...

I-I'm just... I'm very
used to being a caretaker.

I get it.

I was a shook kid from
Brooklyn, too, man.

When Shay took my kids to Jersey,

I've been feeling a little lost myself.

But I know this is an opportunity for me

to find out who I am.

And, my dude, you got
to do the same thing.

Yeah.

You're right. No, I know, you're right.

This isn't... I got to
get in touch with me.

I feel a lot better, thank you.

- Where you going?
- I'm gonna bleach your bathroom.

g*dd*mn it!

He got to go. He's driving me crazy.

He's terrorizing my stomach!

But Paul's such an angel.

Hells Angel.

He waxed my floors
and fluffed my pillows.

Washed my drawers like he
was my prison b*tch, okay?

I woke up this morning,
my toenails were clipped.

Now you tell me how that happened.

I mean, I would love for
someone to treat me like that.

Also, you shouldn't have gotten
involved with his relationship.

You messed up a perfectly unhappy home.

Think of this as karmic debt.

Yeah, it sounds like he's
just dealing with a lot.

I'm sure he's just trying
to process all his feelings.

I got my own emotions and
feelings to deal with, okay?

I cannot be his Dr. Phil.

I need Dr. Phil myself, okay?

His family live right across the hall!

My family live across the river.

The river!

What you both need to do
is get out of the house.

You know, maybe go to a club,

get your mind off your
problems, have a little fun.

That's what I do.

What?

I always knew you was
wheaty beaty bing-bong freak.

A big ol' freak.

But maybe going to the
spot might be the move.

That's a great idea.

Quickest way to get
Paul back to his wife

is to show him how awful
the dating scene is.

Get some young fake t*tties
dripping up off of him,

he be scared to death.

A big ol' freak!

Where you be goin' at?

♪ Hey, yo, bank your checks ♪

♪ Go to the mall and get fresh ♪

♪ I'm lookin' for the girls
givin' up the good sex ♪

♪ I'm all ice from the wrist,
ears to the neck ♪

♪ And we don't buy drinks,
we go to the club wet ♪

♪ My nightstick think my
pockets play for the Jets ♪

♪ I pull out four stacks,
I call that cash bread ♪

I c-can't believe I'm really
going out to a real club.

Whoo-wee!

Ladies.

Ooh, I used to pull
'em like a hamstring.

They used to call me k*ller
'cause I used to slay 'em.

But I ain't slayed nothin'
in a long time, okay?

Tray, slay 'em?

What are women to you, deer?

Wild game with t*tties you
got to hunt in the Serengeti?

Come on, !sis, it's a metaphor
for sexual achievement.

And, Tray, you're still a k*ller.

Do you have any idea
how much more confident

I am online because of you?

- I'd like to slay her.
- [CELLPHONE RINGS]

- Ooh.
- Unh-unh-unh.

Don't answer no more
calls from Laura, okay?

You out tonight.

That's it. We doing our thing.

- Stay woke.
- Okay.

I'm gonna get online
and get some drinks.

Ooh, I'll go with you. I want
to get white-girl shwasty.

I see somethin' right
over there I'mma jump on.

♪♪

Hey, hey, hey, what's up, baby girl?

Could you do me a
favor and feel my shirt?

Okay?

- Cotton.
- Nah.

That's 100% boyfriend material.

[LAUGHING] Oh, my God!

My name is Tray.

[LAUGHS]

I'm Nikiesha.

You know the sexiest thing about
a man is his sense of humor.

You know what they say the
sexiest part of a woman is?

- What?
- They say her eyes.

- Mm.
- Especially when they on me.

[LAUGHING] Oh, my God.

Nice dress.

- Thank you.
- I have one just like it,

but I don't have the curves
to fill it out like you do.

What are you talking about?

You got curves.

I noticed that as soon
as you walked over here.

Thank you. Can I get you a drink?

Mm.

- I'd love one.
- Okay.

[CHUCKLES] Bye.

!sis, what you doin'?

Mother...

♪ You know the vibes ♪

- ♪ You know the vibes ♪
- ♪ Switch up the ride ♪

♪ Switch up the ride ♪

- ♪ Don't check the price ♪
- ♪ Don't check the price ♪

♪ No switchin' sides ♪

- ♪ No switchin' sides ♪
- Oh, oh, my God.

- Oh, gosh.
- I am so sorry.

I was just trying to
find a corner to hide in.

- I'm sorry.
- [LAUGHS] It's okay.

I-I knew I shouldn't
have come out tonight.

Yeah, no, me too.

Uh, my... my friends dragged me out.

My wife and I are going
through a tough time.

Well, my friends said I'm a workaholic

and I need to get out of the house more.

- Oh, wow.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

What do you, uh... What do
you do that keeps you so busy?

- I'm a writer.
- Oh, wow.

- I-I write jingles.
- Oh.

- [LAUGHS]
- What... What jingles do you write?

- Matteo's Cookies.
- That's a great jingle!

That's my daughter
Max's favorite cereal.

- Aww.
- Yeah.

- Cheers to that.
- Cheers.

We had to stop giving it
to her 'cause she was...

- It's a lot of sugar.
- Yeah, she was losing teeth.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Excuse me.

Sir?

Okay, what does a girl have to
do to get a drink around here?

Maybe you just need to, you
know, sex it up a little bit.

No, a woman doesn't have to
demean herself for a drink.

Thank you.

- Hi.
- Hi. What can I get you, babe?

Excuse me.

- Hi...
- Oh.

WOMAN: Thanks so much.

You got to be f*cking kidding me.

Right?

- You know what?
- Can't believe it.

What? You better not.

Okay, look, there's an
opening at the end of the bar.

Let's go down there so
we get served quicker.

Luna, girl, chill out. I got this.

Okay, you guys can wait
here if you want to.

Wish I had boobs.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Excuse me, Lenny Kravitz.

I've been standing here for 25 minutes,

and I noticed that
your customer of choice

is big-tittied white women.

If you don't make me a drink right now,

black Twitter is going to explode.

#RacistBartender at Amadeus.

We're both black.

Yeah, I know.

r*cist bartender at Amadeus!

- Thank you very much.
- Yeah.

[SIGHS] I just shot my best gift, man,

and she still didn't give me the rhyme.

What's up with you, Miles?

I'm enjoying socializing.

Talking to five girls
on Google Hangouts.

Hi. Are you Miles?

- Yeah.
- Here's your Uber Eats.

Man, I been gone too long.

What happened to the, uh, you know,

the girl you were talking to?

She right there, man. I
think she's into girls, man.

She might like both.

New world, new time, no rules, right?

But before that, I worked
for 13 years in the mail room

at the Post Office. It was awful.

Oh, my God.

- What happ... What made you leave?
- I don't know.

I-I guess I was just
tired of being afraid.

Afraid to make a leap,
follow my passion.

- You know?
- Man, I-I wish I could do that.

You can!

What is something that
you've been afraid to try?

- Uh...
- Hmm?

I always wished I could dance.

What, like Baryshnikov?

No, like, uh, "Soul Train" dancer.

[LAUGHS] I know, I was... In my defense,

I used to have a pretty
decent Running Man.

Well, tonight we are
going to launch your dream

and you are going to do
what makes you happy.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Come on.

Okay. Excuse us.

Following my dream,
ladies and gentlemen.

When most people travel to Tanzania,

they always go to Mount Kilimanjaro,

whereas I prefer to
sit down, as we are now,

and have a conversation with the Maasai

about cattle rustling
or... or whatnot, right?

Wow.

Do you work for the United Nations?

No, no, I-I travel for fun.

I don't actually have a job.

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

But my soul, it's... it's rich.

And this line means you're
gonna hook up with a strong,

sensual, brown-skinned woman.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Let me guess... that woman is you?

- Good guess.
- Mm.

What else does it say?

It says I hope brought your dust pan

'cause the man you just met
gonna sweep you off your feet.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay.

Ooh, that's a hell of a description.

♪ Hey, girl ♪

Ooh, that's my song.

- You want to dance?
- Yes!

♪ Hey, girl, lemme see that bootay ♪

♪ Turn around, lemme see that bootay ♪

- Unh! Pow-pow!
- ♪ Pick it up, pick it up, drop that bootay ♪

Aw, yeah, my dude!

- Uh-huh.
- I see you doin' your thing.

That's right, bro.

You see that woman over there
with the beautiful brown skin?

Oh, my God!

She been diggin' on you all night.

Oh, Michelle Obama!

I think she want to dance with you.

- No.
- You should go over there and holla at her.

Hell yeah!

I hope she's Jewish.

Uh-huh. [LAUGHS]

Come on, get electrocuted, girl.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh.

Zap!

- What?
- Zap, zap!

- No, stop zapping.
- Zap, zap, zap!

Excuse... Would you move?!

Oh, God.

Does this work?

♪ Dance, everybody, lemme
see you on the floor ♪

♪ This party don't stop
till we out the door ♪

I just... I just haven't danced
in a really long time, so, uh...

♪♪

- Okay.
- Oh.

Maybe this'll help loosen you up.

- Oh, I don't usually...
- Come on.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Okay.

I-I just... I believe
in our future, right?

And the future of surrounding energies

is exactly why I-I live in a closet

and only have two pairs of shoes.

- I mean...
- Wait, wait. Did you say you live in a closet

and you only have two pairs of shoes?

Yes. You see, I'm a minimalist.

And you ain't packing?

Oh, hell no.

Tina, let's go.

- I-I said minimalist.
- Whatever.

Minimalist... small, subtle.

[CROWD CHANTING "GO, PAUL!"]

♪ Dance, everybody, lemme
see you on the floor ♪

♪ This party don't stop
till we out the door ♪

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

♪♪

Sorry.

[CROWD GROANING]

You do realize this is a fast song?

I'm different.

- You are different.
- Mm-hmm.

[CHUCKLES]

[SLOW SONG STARTS]

And psychic! Aww.

That's my cue to bring
you closer to me, girl.

- Okay.
- Closer.

May I have this dance?

Oh, whoa, whoa.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This dance is taken.

- Yeah, because I'm taking it.
- Oh, my God.

No, that's because she
was hollering at me.

- You seen that, !sis.
- No, we... we're talkin'...

Okay, guys, look, look, look, look.

This is too much.

I just came out to have fun, all right?

Damn, y'all are really trippin'.

Oh, my God.

- Look what you did.
- No, look what I did?

She was with me first.

Oh, I didn't realize she
was your property, Tray.

- What is this, high school?
- What?!

Do you know what it took for
me to muster up the courage

to come over here and
sh**t my shot with her?

And here you come violatin'?

You should've seen that
she was more into me

than she was into you.

- Guys, guys, guys, what's going on?
- Oh, nothing.

Tray just has a problem
with a little competition.

Oh, that's why you threw
them shoulder pads on

- and threw them blocks, huh?
- Yeah.

- Ain't no competition.
- Oh, yes, there is.

You need to fall back, home girl.

- Tray.
- You need to fall back.

- What?!
- Tray, Tray.

Can you hold this for a second, Sabrina?

- What?
- I know some things have changed,

but one thing that will never
change is bros before h*s.

We before she.

We walked in here as
friends to have fun.

We need to leave as friends.

Now where is the love?

Who are you, Miles?

Okay, and when did this start?

Trying to have fun, Tray, you know?

Oh, man.

I'm sorry, Tray.

I was buggin', too, !sis.

I...

I'm sorry.

Friends?

Yeah. Come over here, girl.

- You know I love you, man.
- That's more like it.

Ah!

Hug it out, let's do it.

- Who is this?
- g*dd*mn it, !sis!

What?

- [LAUGHS]
- You did it!

You almost got kicked out of the club,

but you had fun, right?

Thanks to you.

Honestly, I had... had
the time of my life.

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

Oh, that's my friends.

- They're leaving. I have to go.
- Oh, no.

It was so nice to meet you.

I had so much fun.

I would say we should keep
in touch, but, you know,

I don't think you're ready for that.

Yeah, no.

Uh, thanks for a... a great night.

Oh, come here.

- All right.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- [LAUGHING] Bye.

- I see you, you big ol' dog.
- [LAUGHS]

Okay. I see you.

I-I had the most fun I've
had in a really long time.

I-I could do this every night. [LAUGHS]

- I told you.
- Yeah.

- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- Oh!

He was getting it.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, my God.

I missed Ace standing
up for the first time.

What?

- What am I doing here?
- No, no, no.

I can't believe I let
you talk me into this.

Come on, Paul, don't... Paul!

Wait right here, I'll be right back.

Paul! Paul!

[MAN CRYING]

Paul.

Hey, Paul.

Hey, look, man, I know you
goin' through a lot right now.

[CRYING]

PAUL: I'm over here, Tray.

Get out!

♪♪

Listen, man.

I know what it's like
to miss important moments

in your children's life, okay?

I still feel bad about it to this day.

But this wasn't your fault.

Tray, I-I just... I
just want to go home.

Tonight was a total loss.

Paul, no, it wasn't, man.
It wasn't a total loss.

You had a great time, okay?

You got to know who you are.

You was doin' moves out there
on that dance floor like you

was a "Soul Train" dancer,

and your Roger the Rabbit was fire.

[CHUCKLES] It was kind of hot.

Yeah, you was gettin' down, Jack.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Am I a bad father?
- No, Paul.

Just because you had a great time

doesn't make you a bad father.

Or husband.

I missed my kids' whole childhood.

I know some bad fathers.

You're not one.

You are a family man.

I see you with your family.

I see how you are with them...
gentle, loving, warm.

Thanks, Tray.

Now, this is the hard part.

You got to get your wife to respect you.

I know, I know.

- [CELLPHONE RINGS]
- Oh.

It's Laura.

I'm gonna answer it.

Hello?

Yeah, no, I-I-I got the video.

His room is a mess, and
why is he up so late?

Oh.

Oh, you do?

Oh.

She wants me to come home.

Tell her you have some demands.

Okay.

Uh, listen, Laura, I-I have, uh...

I have some demands, s-some,
I mean, requests, some...

I mean, they're... they're
suggestions, really.

Um, I want my kids to know my parents,

and I-I think... I think we need, like,

a date night, like once a month.

We should... We could go dancing

and maybe have some sex.

I would love to have a little sex.

I think... I think it would be good.

And I want us to have some weird sex.

That's what you get to
have when you're married.

So I want scenarios and stuff.

Okay. Uh, all right, I'll...

I'll see you at home, honey.

Bye, honey.

Oh! Oh, okay.

What, you got all of that?

No, no. Uh, not at all, but...

but my kids are gonna see my parents.

Hey, can't win 'em all.

[CHUCKLES]

Thank you.

Next time you decide
to put your foot down,

you make sure you do it firmly
and you do it in your house.

That's fair.

Um, do you mind if
we left this bathroom?

It just smells like so
many layers of vomit.

- Let's go, kid.
- All right.

BARTENDER: Hey.

Doing last call.

Oh, my goodness.

I can't believe I got your attention.

Um, yes, can I have a martini, please?

- Sure.
- Oh, my God! [LAUGHS]

I feel like you're a
mirage or something.

Um, can you make it extra strong?

I want it to hit me in
the Uber on the way back.

I gotcha.

All right! [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, no, sorry, we don't take Discover.

What? Um, okay, well,
hold on one second.

I definitely have another card with me.

Uh...

Sorry.

Just in case. You never know.

No card.

No cash.

Um...

- Nope.
- What?