01x04 - Swipe Right

[bunniefuu]

TRAY: In prison, I read
the entire dictionary,

but dallying through the dictionary

turned out to be an
exercise in futility,

ineffectiveness, and uselessness...

♪♪

...until I read the Whooping
Crane mates for life.

That was inspiring.

That means even if the
male crane gets locked up,

the girl crane stays alone
until they are reunited.

She certainly doesn't nest
up with some white-feather

Johnny-come-lately
Crane from Connecticut.

I mean, what kind of
sh*t is that, Shay...

I mean, Crane?!

That plane leaves the ground
and you're not with him,

you'll regret it.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,

but soon and for the
rest of your life.

FELONY: Come on, Gustavo. Put the game on.

Gustavo, don't you touch
that f*ck' remote, man.

It's "Casablanca." It's a classic.

Why would I wanna watch this, Tray?

A bunch of white folks
standin' around talkin'.

On the surface.

It's really about two lovers

who ain't seen each other in years.

Now they got people and
obstacles all in their way.

You know something?

This movie is about me.

This movie about me and Shay.

I'm Rick Blaine, and she's the woman.

Just like this movie, I'm
gonna get my girl back.

Watch!

Actually, Rick doesn't get her back.

She leaves with that dude Victor.

Mm. [SCOFFS]

Turn this sh*t off, Gustavo. Thank you.

Finally.

Damn it!

That brings sh*t up, man.

Got me all heat now, man.

My girl, man!

Got a new life. New man.

Happy as sh*t.

I can't even sleep

because of this bullshit going down.

GUSTAVO: Actually, what
you need to do, my man,

is get a fresh start.

The only way to get over your old b*tch

is to get a new b*tch.

Speak your truth, Gustavo.

Go on a date, man. It's healthy.

f*ck you know about healthy?
You're a sex offender.

[SCOFFS]

I can introduce you to
somebody if you want.

Big Country, not in the mood.

Not interested.

Bet I could change your mind.

- Ain't gonna happen.
- [LAUGHS] Okay, okay.

Big Country, you wastin' your time.

My ex is dope! She got the package...

Intelligence, sense of humor, and vag*na!

Somebody say "vag*na"?

Oh, h*!

Yeah, y'all gonna make room
for an expert right here,

'cause "p*ssy" is my middle name.

[LAUGHS] Did y'all just hear that?

He said his name is "p*ssy."

[LAUGHTER]

I did not say it was... I said
it was my middle name!

- [LAUGHTER]
- You know what?

You might think you
got a lot of them jokes,

but I'ma tell you...

I knew a guy who had spent
a long time in prison.

When he got out after doing his bid,

hadn't used his stuff.

You end up with testicular atrophy.

That is blue ba*ls.

This was very severe.

The... The ba*ls had
dried up and withered up,

and one of them was like a raisin.

Yeah, you know what?

I think the one-ball fellow was you.

[LAUGHS] He most certainly was not.

Well, show us your nut sack, Mullins.

I'm... I'm not showing you my nut sack!

- Show us both of 'em.
- ALL: [CHANTING] Nut sack!

- Nut sack?
- Nut sack! Nut sack!

♪ Mullins only got
one ball in his sack ♪

ALL: Nut sack! Nut sack! Nut sack!

I ain't showin' you nothing!

[IMITATES GUITAR PLAYING]

Tray!

Come here! This is Krystal.

Now, I snuck her up here to meet you.

Hey, Tray.

Um...

I think you should get
to know her like today

because tomorrow, she is booked.

Krystal, you're probably a nice person,

but I think I'm gonna pass.

Well, if you change your mind...

♪♪

[LION ROARS]

...you know where to find me.

[SNIFFS] The Bronx?

Look, you gotta get back out there, baby.

Let me introduce to the future, all right?

I'm gonna take a couple of photos.

I got some costumes.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Write your little bio.

And then before you know it,

you're gonna be swimming
in tenderonis, man!

- Fine.
- [LAUGHS]

All right, all right, okay.

First, we gotta seduce
them into swiping right.

You know what I'm saying?

That's how they... They let you
know they're feelin' you or whatever.

So, we gotta highlight your best features.

- You know what I mean?
- My features?

Ye... Okay, okay, all right.

For example...

you got nice eyes, son.

I do?

Yeah, yeah.

[LAUGHS]

All right, so how about this...

So, what... what... What
did Shay like about you?

♪♪

She liked, uh...

She liked my stroke.

Okay, all right. We gonna put that.

"Stroke"...

My foot game... My foot-rub game.

- "Foot-rub game"...
- Foot-rub game.

Yeah, mm-hmm.

She liked my cooking.

Okay.

Most of all, she liked my sense of humor.

- Most of all.
- Okay.

And I'm a great provider.

A'ight. And...

But my money ain't movin'
like that right now, Bobby.

What that got...

No, these broke-a*s thots
don't need all that, son!

Look, that's what's dope about the app.

You can lie your a*s off!

You can... Matter of
fact, let me show you that.

[LAUGHS]

Where you get the horse from?

The stables at Prospect Park.

$42 an hour.

It paid for itself in a*s that night.

Genius movie, but that don't
even look like you, Bobby.

I know!

Oh, come on. Yo, come on, son.

One date. One date!

I already did that with Shay!

We had something special, man.

Locked and loaded. We was together!

All right, all right.

A little tough love right now, all right?

Shay ain't thinkin' 'bout you, cuz.

She thinkin' about the man

she wakin' up to every morning she married,

she raisin' kids with.

Meanwhile, you at home
starin' at the a*s print

from Big Country's top bunk!

It ain't heathy, Tray.

- Here, put it on there.
- Ha ha!

Let's... Come on, let's
take some pictures, baby!

Let's go.

It's all love, baby. Show the...

Yeah, let me see the flower.

Let me see the flower. Uhn!

Bam... There it is. Put it up in the air.

Put it up in the air like you a VIP.

Ow!

You in the club. Wap, wap!

That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get it wet now! Unh!

All right, come on,
son, give me the Denzel.

Come on, I'm talking '90s Denzel, man.

Hold the g... Get the g*n in.

Hold the g*n in. Yeah, n-no...

Nah, I'm talkin' about "Glory."

"Glory"? You didn't say "Glory."

Yeah, now "Fences"! You givin' me...

- [GROANING]
- Yes! Yes!

Oh, that's it. That's it. All right.

Bobby, I'm tired of this, man.

You got me crying all day, man.

Come on, don't do that right now!

♪♪

What you want? What you want?

Get me a wing and a keel
breast and a biscuit.

All right, let me get a wing,

keel breast, and a biscuit.

Let me get a, uh...
Let me get a two-piece.

Take it Jay. He'll get that.

- Any bites yet?
- Not a clue.

What are you doing?

No, come on, son!

I need you to focus, baby.

- Let's go, man.
- I'm getting to it.

Yo, you not getting
to it! You lollygagging!

You starin' at Shay right now, m...

All right. Listen,
I'ma... I'ma get you right.

Hold up. Let me open
up this app real quick.

Boom, boom, boom.

There it is.

Right, cute, and she a little flirty?

That's what you're lookin' for right there.

You know what I'm sayin'? No?

- Too short.
- Too short?!

- Too short.
- Whatcha...

She bangin'! She is b...

Yo, and she look like she
got all her teeth, son.

- Bobby.
- That's a win.

Nah, listen, Bobby, I need a
girl who's about something, man.

Some substance, man. Been
through the sh*t, man.

- Next.
- Yo!

All right. All right. All right.

I got that. I...

L-Look at that.

- Let me see.
- Uh-huh. Come on, son.

Look like she been through some sh*t.

- You know what I mean?
- No, man.

I don't trust no one that
found religion before prison.

You right. You right. You right.

My... You right on that.

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

Give me a second.

Give me a second. Give...

This... This her right here.

Check out. What about her?

She is fine.

Tamara... 37,

divorcee, 2 kids.

Yeah.

Ooh! And look at this up top!

It says, "I'm a nice person."

- That's the nail in the coffin for a kiss.
- There it is. Come on.

There it is. So, whatcha gonna do, son?

- [LAUGHS]
- What do you mean what am I gonna do?

Whatcha gonna do? You gonna swipe right?

Swipe right. Bam!

All right, now, look, look, look now.

I don't want you to get discouraged.
It may take a couple of days.

- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- You know what I'm sayin'?

- Ooh! A match.
- What?!

Right there. Look. We matched right there.

Oh, you in the game, baby!

- [LAUGHS]
- Ah!

- Let's go.
- I am, man.

- Chicken and bisc...
- You got my keel breast?

You put my keel breast in there?

- Hey, keel breast in here?
- Yes.

Let me g... Can I get some more hot sauce?

Ain't no hot sauce.

Come on, s... And where the drinks at, man?

Where the dr... What y'all doing?

- Right here.
- What y'all doing today?

- Bring the drinks.
- Come on, man.

- I'm in it.
- Y'all... Y'all slippin' today.

- Look how she looks, man.
- I know. She bangin'.

♪ Tray got a girl, Tray got a girl ♪

♪ Tray got a girl in the world, ha! ♪

♪ Tray got a girl, Tray got a girl ♪

♪ Tray got a girl in the world ♪

[CELLPHONE RINGING]

Hello?

TAMARA: Hi, Tray.

Oh, you cute!

[CHUCKLES] Hi, Tamara.

It's nice to meet you.

It's so nice to meet you, too.

Whatcha wearin'?

Oh, I just got out the shower, boo.

You know, I'm gettin' ready for you.

Just grooming up.

You know, I don't be getting
in the shower for everybody,

but I did that for you.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I just thought
that I would FaceTime you

and get that awkward first
meeting out of the way

so that when we see each
other later on tonight

it would be like, "Oh!

Okay, so nice to see you again!"

To be honest,

I was a little nervous
about all this, you know,

but that... that was adorable as f*ck.

[LAUGHS] Thank you.

You really shine on my heart, Shay.

What?

Ooh, sh*t!

f*ck.

She sounds cute.

- Mullins!
- I see you got your little shirt ready.

You got your jeans all fresh,

Timbos lined up, ready to go.

You got a date?

Get off my bed, Mullins.

I don't want you leavin' bed
bugs and sh*t on my sheets!

You hurtin' my feelings today, Barker.

Why you had to tell them that I was the one

that might've been the
one that the one ball, huh?

You really think you're
a bigger player than me?

Whatever, Mullins.

Mm. Okay.

Well, since we don't want
to talk statistics,

let's talk logistics.

You better have your a*s back in here

by 11:59 tonight, Cinderella,

'cause that's the curfew.

11:59?

Come on, you know I got
a date tonight, Mullins!

Well, I don't make the rules.

I just enforce 'em

on wise-a*s ex-convicts
like yourself.

Hey, Mullins. Mullins.

Mullins, man.

No need to get hasty. Man, listen.

I want you to come with us.

Mm. [LAUGHS]

Oh, you got you a little freak!

You got a little freak right there.

Okay, you know what?

We just need to lay some ground rules down

'cause the last time I had a threesome...

I-I just end up by myself.

I was... I rolled up to Connecticut.

When I came back, they had robbed me.

Mullins, try to understand me.

I'm talking about me, Tamara, you,

and one of your fine ladies, okay?

I know you can get on the phone

and call one of them fine-a*s lodi dodis

- you talkin' about.
- Of course! Oh, of course.

Yeah. That's
easy. I-I-I'll...

I'm... I'm runnin'
through my mind right now.

I got four, five of them I can call.

- Okay, so we got a double date?
- Yeah.

- Double date.
- Don't be late.

- It's us.
- Nah, I wouldn't ditch you.

You gonna show me something.

[CHUCKLES]

So, how'd you find this place?

Well, actually, I came here to get a job.

Heard the food was good.

I said, "Well, let me make a
contribution to the reputation."

So, it didn't work out, huh?

[CHUCKLES] Nah. Creative
differences with me

and the white dude up front there.

♪♪

That's okay, though.

'Cause I got a job at
Grundle's Coffee Shop instead.

Good evening.

I thought you said we were
gonna meet here at 8:00?

I asked for a table for four,

but they gave me two, man.

Ain't that crazy? [LAUGHS]

Why don't you go in them
deep pockets, player,

and grease somebody's palm

and get yourself a seat with your lady?

So, I'm...

We're not gonna share,
uh, calamari or anything?

No! No way.

Hi.

Oh, pardon me for being so rude.

Um, Miniard Mullins.

- Mm-hmm.
- How are you?

- I'm very well.
- You are delectable.

Mm.

- [SMOOCHES]
- [CHUCKLES]

Thank you. It's so nice to meet you.

Yes, delicious.

Oh! Forgive my rude-ality.

This is my companion, uh, for the evening.

Uh, this is... Kr...

- Krystal.
- Krystal.

Very nice to meet you.

- Okay.
- Likewise.

Hi.

Okay, I'm gonna go grab my own table.

Go and get you a table.

- Oh.
- [LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

Play on, player!

♪♪

So, that's your friend?

[LAUGHS]

He's more like a n*gga I know
from the streets, you know?

[LAUGHS]

I was really excited about tonight.

I was, too.

Now, don't think just 'cause you cute

you gonna get some.

Hey, wait a minute.

The thought never crossed my mind.

Mm-hmm.

Tell me anything.

I got a lion in my pocket,
and he's ready to roar.

- [LAUGHS]
- Rawr!

[LAUGHS] You are so bad!

Let me ask you something about you.

You like working at the post office?

Tell the truth... You re-read mail?

Uh, no, that's against the law.

[CHUCKLES] But I like it.

It's fine. Great benefits.

Plus, I get out early,

so I can make my kids dinner.

You're a cook, right?

Not just any cook... I'm
magnificent, you know?

I can't wait to show you.

Don't write a check your a*s can't cash.

Oh, I can cash it.

I'm gonna give you back some change.

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- Are you ready to order?

Uh, I-I'm still undecided.

Shay, you go first.

Tray?

Yeah?

Who is Shay?

That's my ex.

Oh.

Interesting.

- MAN: Sir?
- Um... you know what?

I'm...

I believe I'm gonna go with the number 71.

The 71, sir?

Yes, the 71. This is what I'll have.

You... You can...

Oh, um, sir, that's the price of the dish.

Oh! Mm! Oh, okay.

I... We... [CHUCKLES]

Confused me because normally,

the price is on the other
side, and that threw me off.

So, in that case, I will have the, um...

I'm gonna have the number 9,

and we'll... We'll split that.

Certainly.

♪♪

What did you think?

Mm.

Not bad.

But I could've made the food better.

♪♪

Would you care to order dessert?

[DISTORTED MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

Yeah. Let me get that one.

Of course.

♪♪

Yo.

I ain't gonna flip my wig in here,

but when I tried to get a job here,

I gave them a sample of my dessert.

Now these m*therf*ckers
are sellin' the recipe.

- What?
- Yeah.

Are you gonna sue?

Pssh, nah.

I'm gonna celebrate.

Lets me know my sh*t is good enough

to be sold in fancy restaurants!

That just lets me know you
can't afford a good lawyer.

[LAUGHS]

That, too.

You wanna go for a walk?

Yeah.

Let's blow this joint, boo.

Sir?

Money's on the table. But your dessert?

You can give it to fat cat over there.

Let's go, baby.

♪♪

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. No,
no, no. We... I didn't...

I didn't bring enough money for that,

so thank you so much.

Compliments of the couple that just left.

Just left? Hey.

♪♪

Oh, my God, this is good as hell.

So, who was better in "The Godfather"...

Was it Vito, Sonny, or Clemenza?

Michael!

Ding ding ding ding ding! Correct!

So, that was a trick question?

I had to find out if
you was a trick.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Nasty self.

Oh, man, me and Shay never
did stuff like this...

Just go for walks.

You and your guy ever do stuff like this?

Nah, he was way into that thug life.

Oh, just like I used to be.

Man, I wish we would've spent more time

back in the days just enjoying each other.

There's no time like the present.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

♪♪

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

You ready to join the mile-below club?

I'm a founding member, Shay Shay.

[CHUCKLES]

What's wrong?

You know, you called me "Shay" three times

since this date started.

I'm sorry.

Just take a little time to move on.

Look, at my age,

I'm really not trying to
have my heart broken again.

But... But...

Tray, sweetie, this isn't gonna work out.

Why not? I like you.

I like you, too,

but you gotta get over your ex first.

You gotta let her out

before you let someone like me in.

- Hold on.
- Listen.

If that train leaves the
station and you're not on it,

you'll regret it.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow...

But another one is coming in eight minutes.

Just get on the train, Tray.

Damn, you so stubborn.

No disrespect, though.

None taken.

We good?

We good.

Bye, Tray.

Bye, T.

[SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

Yo.

What?

I know that p*ssy's amazing.

World-class.

♪♪

Mm... [CHUCKLES]

Look at you over there,
lookin' sexy as hell.

Beautiful even, girl.

Oh! Whoa... Okay! Whoa! Whoa!

Slow down. sh**t!

Look, I'm sorry for
snapping on you like that,

but, okay, I've had a circumstance.

There's an issue going on down there.

It's very delicate.

Very delicate, all right?

It's a long story.

I hope it's a long story.

Oh, h*, h*, it is, but... but first,

let me pull out my little bag of tricks.

This is what I like...

I like to call this my love luggage.

You know what I'm saying?
Get things started.

Saw dust...

Just in case it gets real juicy in here.

This gonna absorb some of the liquids.

You ever been sous-vide?

This is what...

I'm gonna wrap you up as
French form of cooking,

but it's gonna make all your parts tender.

In case [SNIFFS] you pass out,

[SNIFFS] a little smelling salt.

Hit that real quick. Hoo!

[SNIFFS] Whew! Ha ha!

I need you to, uh, fill
out this consent form.

That's first and foremost.

Initial here, initial there.

Right there. Full name here.

We didn't come up with a safe word,

so this is for you.

[WHISTLE BLOWS] Just
in case I go too rough.

[CHUCKLES] You signed the form.

There ain't much you can do about it.

Seems like it's time to get things started.

[HORN HONKS]

Choo-choo train going, baby!

Yeah!

I see you over there, sexy a*s.

Let me get up in there.

Come on now. Get up in there.

Ooh! Oh, sh*t.

Is that the right hole?

- Oh, they're all the same.
- [LAUGHS]