02x12 - Pim-Cipal

[bunniefuu]

[Phil] And now, The Keely Teslow
H.G. Wells Morning Report

with 2-time closed-circuit closie award
nominee Keely Teslow

And now...

Keely Teslow.

Good morning. I'm Keely Teslow.

Today's top story: Thanks to budget cuts,

the A.V. Lab has been
combined with woodshop.

When asked to comment,

Vice-Principal Hackett said, quote,

"your fancy-pants cameras don't grow on
trees," unquote.

[saw buzzing]

In other news...

The whole report is 3 minutes!

Can't you wait?!

In other stories...
ahem... principal... phtth!

Tillywhack and the H.G. Wells school board

are on a critical 6-week fact-finding
mission in Tahiti.

Tillywhack said the mission
is exhausting but fruitful.

Ooh! No!

Sorry, but we need the floor vac.

Well, we're using it for our tripod!

...for a "principal for a day"
competition. Thank you.

The lucky winner will
experience the simulated thrill...

- [Pim snoring]
- ...of pretending to run our school

for an entire school day.

I'm listening.

Whoever wins will conduct
morning assembly,

pick the lunch entree...

Nothing with "sloppy"
in the title, please...

And have their picture
in the school paper.

To qualify, students must have a C-plus
or better average...

[students] Ooh.

And American citizenship.

[students groan]

Principal for a day.
Could be an amusing prologue

to a little story I like to call
"ruler of the universe,

the rise and... Rise of Pim Diffy."

In other news...

Hey!

♪ Meet a boy named Phil ♪

♪ And his family ♪

♪ On vacation from
The 22nd century ♪

♪ Got a rented time machine
And they're on their way ♪

♪ To a time way, way, way
Back in the day ♪

- ♪ So now it's Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Keeping it together
Just as best as he can ♪

♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ 22nd century man ♪

♪ On a holiday Through history ♪

♪ But the final destination
Was a mystery ♪

♪ 'Cause something
On the time machine had blown ♪

♪ So they ended up
Right here in our time zone ♪

- ♪ So now it's Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Never knew in history
Just where he would land ♪

- ♪ Phil ♪
- ♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

Running for principal for a day, Meyers?

Gee, it'd be a shame if word got out

about your part in last week's
Irish stew incident.

Hey, Bedrosian.

I understand you let your sister

try out all her new
hairstyles on you first.

How do you think
that'll play in the debates?

Anyone else here secretly pathetic?

Vice-Principal Hackett,
reliving your childhood?

Nowhere in my pocket guide
to the school bylaws

does it say that
a faculty member can't run.

Principal for a day will allow me

to showcase my compassion,

wisdom, and sensitivity.

So stay out of my way, or I'll crush you
like a silverfish.

Face it, you're a limp daisy

square in the path of avalanche Pim

Mmm.

[Hackett] See you at the debates.

Lucky Pierre!

Let's see your citizenship papers.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Hackett lies, Hackett lies, Hackett lies.

Ready when you are.

[Keely] Welcome to the "Principal
for a Day" debates.

I'm your moderator, Keely Teslow

As per guidelines, questions have been
submitted by students.

Mr. Diffy?

Yes, our first question is for Pim

and comes from defensive lineman
Sally Bruinschwagger,

who asks, "what will you do

to increase the role of girls' sports?"

Let me start by saying
there's no real proof

to the allegations
that Vice-Principal Hackett

has taken school funds and spent them

to add a media room to his house.

[students murmuring]

I don't think charges that he's a crook

have any place in this debate,

and I won't be the one to raise them.

It's... it's not true.

I hope that answers your question.

It doesn't.

Our next question...

"This debate hurls corn."

That's not a question.

"Pim you've said this school
is for the birds.

Why would you wanna be principal
of such a school?"

I did say this school is for the birds,

and the bird I mean is the majestic eagle

and when I'm principal,

I'll make sure this school
spreads its wings

and soars to the brightest
heaven of pride and achievement.

This man swallows his gum!

[gulps] [gagging]

- [all gasp]
- [Keely] Mr. Hackett,

Pims leveled some serious
accusations against you.

Embezzlement, abuse of office,

unorthodox gum disposal.

Would you like to respond?

I'd be happy to.

- [beeping]
- I have never had...

Little warm in here. Ahem.

- Uh...
- [beeping]

Whew.

Uh, well, this is the first
that I've even heard of...

[students] ohh!

Sweet sue!

[WWater dripping]

What are you hiding underneath all that
sweat, Mr. Hackett?

[students] Ugh!

These charges are ridiculous!

It is broiling in here!

Or is it just the salty truth
pouring out of your face?!

[students] Ugh!

Doesn't look good for ya.

Oh, naive little Danny,

your innocence amuses me. Hee!

Hey, everybody,

Italian ices!

Accepting this frozen treat

legally obligates you to vote Pimffy...

And sign here.

[beeping]

[all] Ewh!

The votes are in, and it's official.

Our principal for a day is Pimffy.

Little is known about the early years

of this apple-cheeked young go-getter,

but what I do know is...

Hey!

Phil, do you believe this?!

I'm trying to prepare my Pimrspective,

and the shop class is making keys!

That's bogus.

I mean, the entire school's starved for
news and you just get shoved aside.

Could you make me 3 copies of this?

Oh, yea, oh, yea,

prepare for an audience with our esteemed
principal for a day,

the wise bestower of all that's...

Work on that intro. Too flowery.

As a gift for all who put me in power,

I'm increasing funding
for all craft shops and clubs.

The A.V. Club gets its funding back!

Whoa, whoa.

Take a deep breath there, stretch.

Yes, the A.V. Club gets its funding back,

but there's gonna be a change in
the prime-time lineup.

Oh. What kind of change?

Teslowre out.

Little Danny, you're in.

But... but you can't...

[Danny] This just in.

Shop class will now work
with ceramics club

to produce statues, murals,

and other forms of art commemorating Pim

I don't know, Pim I mean, your head's
getting pretty big.

There may not be enough Clay.

Oh. Don't talk back
to your principal, son.

I'd hate to have to expel you.

Fine, expel me.

Give me a mark for bad citizenship.

It doesn't matter, 'cause you're just
principal for a day,

one day.

One day is all I need.

Do you have an appointment?

No!

Neil! Good to see you.

You look well.

Have a seat.

Listen, Pim

[beeping]

Just pretend it isn't there.

Licorice?

Listen, Pimou...

Ooh. Actually, I will. Thank you.

You may have fooled all the students here,

but it takes more than a rigged election

to pull the hypoallergenic
wool over my eyes.

You've taken every cent
of the school budget

and spent it on silliness.

You can't do it!

Can't I? According to the school bylaws,

a popularly elected principal

has very broad powers.

Wai-wai... bu-but...

I've lived by these school bylaws,
and now they mock me!

[Hackett] Fine, Pim.

Go wild. Have a pizza party,

get spa treatments for everyone.

But do it today,

because tomorrow,
I'm taking the school back

whether you like it or not.

Ha!

Can I just get a couple more?
They're delicious.

Think we got enough footage
for you to cut together?

Oh, yeah.

There may be a couple of gaps, but...

You'll never even notice. [Chuckles]

We interrupt this constant
surveillance of you

for an important message
from your newly elected leader.

All hail Pim

Hail me.

I have sad news to report.

Vice-Principal Neil Hackett has stopped
sweating long enough

to reveal his true feelings.

The footage you're about to witness

is unedited and disturbing,

but we felt it needed to be seen.

Get a load of this.

The students here... Are all losers.

So I've taken every cent
of the school budget

and spent it on spa treatments...
For myself. Ha!

Suckas! Heh heh heh.

I'm Neil hackett...

And I approve...

This message.

And who's gonna believe that?

[all murmuring]

It's all lies. I mean, it's the work
of some fiendish genius.

Vice-Principal Hackett,

considering this scandalous discovery,

I've drafted your resignation...

And signed it for you.

I regretfully accept.

You can't do this!

Let's see what the school charter

has to say about this situation.

Article III:

"Should the Vice-Principal"...
That's you...

"be found guilty of gross misconduct"...

As what you did...

"the acting principal"...

That's my girl Pim

"has the right to fire
said vice-principal."

And we're back to you.

Clipboard?

Parking clicker?

Bullhorn?

- Oh, and kneel?
- What?

I didn't mean your name.
I meant "kneel."

[gulps]

[rip] [gasps]

[laughing] The tie is mine!

I'm principal for life!

[cackling]

Mwah ha ha ha!

Mwah ha ha ha!

Mwah ha ha... [coughing]

I'm ok.

Pim Force One has landed!

- Our leader's arriving!
- [helicopter]

[hail to the chief playing]

[applause and cheering]

You!

You call that adulation?

Lucky for you I'm giving away
free adulation lessons...

In the box! Take him away!

I've decided I need someone to serve me.

I'll be holding interviews for a new
vice-principal in my office.

There'll be free smoothies
and face painting!

[applause and cheering]

She's buying people's affection.

I mean, are these Pim-bucks
actually worth anything?

I'm not even allowed to do
my daily report anymore.

I feel so empty.

Phil, can I tell you the news?

I'll tell you the news.

The news is we're gonna
do something about this.

Are you thinking of a plan?

'Cause I'm just looking serious.

[whispering] Is everyone here?

Yes.

We are now the resistance.

We keep everything secret

and figure out a way to bring Pim down.

Now, the first thing we need...

Is code names!

Yeah. I was gonna say we need a plan,

but, yeah, we can do code names.

All right, we'll call you...

White Panther.

That is so me.

Ooh! And you'll be Mr. Fuzzy Bear.

I give you a name like white panther,
and I get fuzzy bear?

I don't think so. Call me...

Call me...

Midnight Cobra.

Ok. Ok.

Uh, Midnight Whatever.

[whispers] Fuzzy Bear.

[knock on door]

Beloved leader, your first applicant

for vice-principal has arrived.

Send him in.

Dad? What are you doing here?

I just came by because you forgot
your lunch,

'cause that's the kind of guy I am.

I'm also thorough, a team player,

detail-oriented, and good with numbers.

My biggest weakness?
Uh, tough one, tough one.

I'd have to say caring...

Too much.

Dad, you're not getting the job.

Phhh. [Chuckles] I have a job.

If you could just look over the resume.

[whispers] Yeah.

Ok, Mr. Fuzzy Bear,

give me your wizard, and I'll spy on Pim

Sorry...

Midnight Cobra.

I'll do it.

How come you get to use
the wizard all the time?

Because I'm the one from the future.

Oh, right, the future,

where apparently nobody shares.

[beeping]

Hey, ya, sweet cheeks.

Guy Gaviota here.

I'm a millionaire businessman,
and I got my own jet.

Make me your V.P.,
and you're in for a taste.

Ya like?

Hackett, quit wasting my time.

Private jet?

You lease a 1982 Bravada hatchback.

[crying]

Hey, Pim don't you think these interviews

are kind of wasting your time?

I mean, we both know you're
gonna make me V.P., right?

[chuckles]

What do you mean?

Well, this is all for show.

I mean, I'm like your right-hand guy.

[sighs] Little Danny,
little Danny, little Danny.

You're a sidekick, and a good one,

but that's all you're ever going to be.

- But I could...
- Sidekick.

- But see, if i...
- Sidekick.

- But it's...
- Side...

- But...
- Kick.

Ohh!

Waah!

Hey!

Ex-Vice-Principal Hackett,
we need to talk to you.

Behind these lockers,
the cameras can't see us.

[beeping]

We're gonna get you your job back.

Mr. Fuzzy Bear and I have a plan.

Ooh, a plan!

Well, if you have a plan,

then everything's gonna be righty-dighty
in no time.

It involves humiliating Pim

Ooh, good plan! What do I do?

Absolutely nothing.
Just look the other way

and promise us we won't get detention
when it's all over.

Show me the other way,
I'll look it. Deal.

Now, what's this "Fuzzy Bear"?

Resistance code names.

Not my department.

Ooh! Code names! I want one!

You don't need one.

I wanna be Lance Tankman.

You don't do anything.

Lance Tankman!

Ok, yeah. You're, uh, ahem...

Lance Tankman.

Yeah. I'm Lance Tankman.

I'm scared.

...and then,

when Pim leaves the Pim-education
center, grab her.

It's a great plan,

except it requires Navy SEALS
extraction team,



and airspace clearance over 6 states.

It's easy to poke holes in any plan, Phil.

I'm sorry. It's just...

A 2-person resistance movement
ain't quite cutting it.

Yeah.

Quick, the lights!

Hey, Little Danny. What's up?

Don't play innocent.

I hear from a certain Lance Tankman

you two are looking to move
against our leader.

- No, we're not.
- We're not moving.

We're just sitting,

here, makin' birdhouses.

So you expect me to believe that there's
no resistance movement?

- Yep.
- Yep.

sh**t!

I was hopin' to help.

You? Why?

I just want things
the way they used to be.

With Pim ruthlessly
controlling people's lives,

I hardly ever see her anymore.

We get someone from Pim's inner circle,

we could really make something happen.

Mmm.

Welcome to the resistance,
Little Scorpion.

Sure. He gets scorpion. I'm stuck
with fuzzy bear.

- Excuse me?
- Nothing.

Yeah, and so the ceramics lab

just needs you to pose for the new
bobblehead dolls.

Ah, ha ha! Merchandising. Excellent.

This isn't the ceramics lab.

I'm sorry, Pim. This hurts me inside.

I'm gonna hurt your outside!

This is White Panther.

The chicken has flown the coop.

Can we just do this?

Roger.

Ooh.

[beeping]

Ready.

This is Keely Teslow

with our beloved principal...

And a look at her first


Tell me, Principal Pim,

would you consider yourself
a success so far?

Why, yes, Keely, I would.

And would you also consider yourself
a lying thief

who is swindling the student body?

Why, yes, Keely, I would.

I am a crook. I mean... ohh!

[all murmuring] I mean, I mean...

No, I mean, tr... drat!

You and your clever questioning!

You've tricked me!

Phil!

That locked door doesn't stand a chance
against my wizard.

I'm a student here!

[sputtering]

[laughs]

Phil...

Don't make me laugh, Phil.

You can't wizard me from there.

Don't listen to these people!
I'm the real Pim

I'm the real...

Ohh! Grape juice!

[all shouting]

This has been Keely Teslow

with a look at the real Principal Pim

Oops.

Hands off!

[chuckles] Hey, everybody.

Who's ready for some more Italian ices?

[all shouting]

Vice-Principal Neil, you're
back in the saddle again.

Yee-hah!

Well, it looks like
Lance Tankman's happy.

Yeah. It was fun
being in the resistance.

What else can we resist?

Uh, how about fish stick Friday
in the cafeteria?

Perfect!

But we're gonna need
entirely new code names.

All right, but this time
I get to pick.

Uh, all right, you can
be Kitten Velour,

and I'll be Dash Unicorn.

[laughs] Ok.

- Wait. Wait, no.
- Oh, too late.

Dash Manly?

Hey, Keel, to thank us
for getting his job back,

hackett got us more funding
for the A.V. Club.

I mean, with that money we could get
a new editing bay,

maybe even a new camera.

Um, I kind of spent the money already.

But I just... how did you...

What did you spend it on?

I'm on in 5. Watch.

[announcer] This is the H.G. Wells Report

with anchorgal Keely Teslow

Little Danny Dawkins with the weather,

and now...

Keely Teslow!

Good morning.
I'm Keely Teslow with the news.