01x02 - Unification Day

[bunniefuu]

Mmm...

Hey. Got peace?

You betcha, Dad.

Unification Day. Best holiday of the year.

Good morning, sweetie. Got peace?

You betcha, Mom. To be honest with you,

I didn't even remember
it was Unification Day.

Are you kidding? I barely slept
a wink last night.

Dad, you do realize that since we don't
live in the future,

all the countries aren't unified

and we won't have world peace
for another 90 years?

Son, no matter what era we live in,

as long as we're a family,

we're gonna be celebrating
Unification Day.

Hey, Pim. Got peace?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where are my presents?

Pim. You know this isn't a
gift-giving holiday.

Maybe if it was people give
a flying pickle?

Now, Pim, this is not
the Unification Day spirit.

But this is.

Oh, yippee. Family sing-along time.

♪ O Uni Day ♪

♪ O Uni Day ♪

♪ Oh, how we love
O Uni Day ♪

Break it down, Lloyd.

[imitating rap backup music]

Oh, break it down, Barb.

[imitating rap beat]

Whoa!

Lloyd!

♪ Meet a boy named Phil ♪

♪ And his family ♪

♪ On vacation from
The 22nd century ♪

♪ Got a rented time machine
And they're on their way ♪

♪ To a time way, way, way
Back in the day ♪

-♪ So now it's Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Keepin' it together
Just as best as he can ♪

♪ Phil ♪

-♪ Phil ♪
-♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ 22nd century man ♪

♪ On a holiday through history ♪

♪ But the final destination
Was a mystery ♪

♪ But somethin'
On the time machine had blown ♪

♪ So they ended up
Right here in our time zone ♪

-♪ So now he's Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ Never knew in history
Just where he would land ♪

-♪ Phil ♪
-♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

♪ Phil ♪

♪ Phil of the future ♪

♪ He's a 22nd century man ♪

Uh...

This bathroom's
for eleventh graders only.

Oh. I'm sorry. I--I didn't know.

Uh... whoa. Whoa.
Do you understand English?

Oh. [chuckles]

Eleventh grade towels. I--I get it. I'm--

I'm sorry. I--

Well... see you later.

[toilet flushes]

Seth? What are you doing?

Oh. I'm the eleventh grade
rest room attendant.

Why? Seth, you know, if you need
a school activity,

there's baseball or bee keeping.

If you want to keep the vest...
blackjack dealing.

Phil... this is not some silly activity.

This is a passion.

Care for a spritz of presumption?

Hit me.

[inhaling and sniffing]

Thanks.

[bell rings]

And a good day to you, too, your grace.

I'll see you after lunch.

And for the main dish,

I whipped up a rosemary-crusted
rack of lamb.

Nothing fancy.

[gasps and applause]

I find the key to getting
the flavor just right

is basting it with this little eyedropper.

[teacher] Ohhh...

Bravo, Debra.

You know, sometimes it feels

as if you're teaching me.

Next? Pam Diffy.

What delectable dish have you concocted?

For my assignment,

I decided to take a trip
south of the border.

[Latin American music plays]

First, I... Got this crunchy thing...

Slapped some meat in, added some cheese
and--and this green stuff.

And bla-blam! I give you

what I call the taco.

I found the key to getting
the flavor just right

is adding hot sauce I hand-sealed
in these packets.

Mmm! Smells like an A+!

Olé!

Gee, Pim, those look like the ones
from Tommy's Tacoteria.

Zip it!

Debbie, you're right. Ohhh...

Pim. You fooled me with
your bucket of chicken

and your homemade chicken nuggets.

Although I was a little suspicious

of your pizza with the
cheese-filled crust,

I let it go. But now...

You're going to cook a homemade meal

and have your parents sign this form

stating that you did.

Look. Here's a coupon

for one free burrito. What do you say?

This whole thing never happened?

Mmhh...

Now, Seth, I don't mean to be critical...

But you're an attendant in the eleventh
grade rest room.

So?

So don't you worry that those guys
are just using you?

Uh, no. No.

They're my buds.

And plus, the insight
I get from them about life

is invaluable.

You get twice the use out of your undies

if you flip 'em inside out.

Oh...

Twice. Day 2.

And now I'm nauseous.

Seth... those dudes like you

because you put ice in their urinal.

Ah! Classy, huh?

Washmer.

Goin' by the big party tonight?

It's at my uncle's warehouse.

It's gonna be nuts.

Yeah. Cool. Uh...

I'll blow on by.

Hey, Chip. Uh, just a thought.

Can I bring my, uh... posse?

[Chip] Well...

You are doin' a solid job

in the bathroom. I mean, that ice thing

in the urinals? That is classy, my friend.

Why not?

I just had a daydream that Seth got us
into Chip's party.

Pinch yourself! It's true!

Oh, this is unbelievable!

Totally unbelievable! Well, tell me all
about it, 'cause I can't go.

Phil, you have to go. Come on.

I can't.

It's Unification Dinner.

Unification Dinner?

Oh, it... It--it's nothing.

My dad likes to name his dinners.

It--it seems silly,
but it's a big deal to him.

Phil... do you know how often

ninth graders get invited
to an eleventh grade party?

-Hardly ever?
-Never!

I mean, this is like hanging out

with H.G. Wells royalty.

They have this huge dance
floor... Lights...

Chip Croston's 40,000 watt sound system.

-Really?
-Oh, you gotta

go. This will put you on the map.

Ok.

Yeah. Cool. Count me in.

I'm definitely breakin' out
a fresh pair of undies.

Ew.

[chittering and oscillating]

[whistles, imitating oscillating]

Hey, it wouldn't be Uni Day

without a match of laser squash
with my boy.

I just got done watchin'
some old game tape.

Dad, I destroyed you
8 out of the last 10 years.

Why t*rture yourself?

Well, I ain't gonna fall
for your old

shifty moves this year. No, no, no.
It's go time.

Look, I... I was thinking

maybe I'd pass on laser squash this year.

What?

Yeah. I--I've been
invited to this, uh, party tonight.

There's a huge dance floor and lights.

40,000 watt speaker system.

Phil, it's Unification Day.

But, Dad, Unification Day won't happen

for another 90 years.

Son, it's not just about world peace.

All right? It's about family. Ok?

It's about sittin' down,
eatin' 6 plates of Uni loaf,

playin' a little laser squash. Come on!

We've been playing together
since you were 5.

Look, I know that-- that Uni Day is
really important to you.

Darn right it is. It's important
to the whole family.

Well, this party's important to me.

All right, it-- it's gonna be really cool.

-All my friends are gonna be there.
-Ok.

Ok, fine, Mr. 15-year-old grown-up man.

You go to your big, important party.

I'll find somebody else to play with.

Uh...

Forgot my pal.

[door closes]

[sighs]

One teaspoon of steak sauce.

Oh, crumsticks!

Mmm! Something smells good in here.

It's the smell of angry sweat.

Ha ha. Sweetie, your teacher said

you have to cook one homemade meal...

And the Uni Day dinner
is the perfect opportunity.

Mom, Uni loaf's too hard.

No, it's not hard. It's fun.

7 foods from all 7 continents
in one delectable loaf?

Mmm! I just know it's gonna be great.

I have faith in you.

What's this?

"Have questions about our products?

Need help cooking?
Call our free help line."

I think I will.

[ring]

Operator 212 speaking.

Got the meat loaf blues? Stay calm, and
I'll talk you through it.

Wait a minute.
I know that high happy chirp.

Berwick?

Pim? Is that you?

Oh, brother.

This is my best day as an intern!

I get to help my buddy! Yay!

Mmhh. Ok. First things first.

Take a deep cleansing breath.

Done.

Mmhh. Now picture yourself
in a rain forest,

surrounded by happy monkeys.

These monkeys are here to help you...

Just like your spatulas, your tongs--

that chick's lost it.

Uh...

Yes!

What do we have? What do we have?

We have spray Turkey, spray spaghetti,

spray... kung pao chicken.

Oh, here we go.

Spray Unification meat loaf.

Good thing we brought
stuff from the future.

[dance music plays; chatter]

So, was your dad mad you skipped out
on your big dinner?

Oh, yeah. He made a big stink about it.

That's all right. I'm just glad I'm here.

Oh, winner check. How do I look?

Great--like a disco ball.

Better pray that stink
comes outta the rug.

[chuckles]

Name?

Washmer. Seth.

Name's not on the list.

We're close personal friends
of Mr. Chip Croston.

Chip's not even here yet.
His mom won't let him leave

till he finishes his book report. Ha ha.

Bathroom boy... What's going on?

I spent 6 hours plucking and moisturizing.

Well, don't worry.
Didn't go to waste. Ladies?

Well, see you Monday.

Well... I'm not going without you.

Oh, no, Keely.
You go funk that party, all right?

We'll be right in. I've got a plan.

Ok. So... I'll save you some dance floor.

Ok. See ya.

Ok, buddy. What's the plan?

All right. Uh, we just, um...

Uh...

Well, I... We j... Uh... Uh...

I got nothin'.

Chunks!

[dance music plays]

Phil... this is a complete disaster.

Hold on, Seth. Got an idea.

Hey there, mister. Uh,

I think you may have dropped this.

A dollar.

Your dollar, my friend.

My friend's a little new

to the palm-greasing pitch.

Ooh. 2 whole dollars.

Now I can buy that ranch in Colorado.

Hey, that's what I'm sayin'.

So... are we cool now? Or... Or what?

I don't think we're too cool, Seth.

[over ear set] Is there
a Washmer out there?

Washable? Yeah, he's out here.

It's showtime.

We got a gnarly situation
goin' on in there.

I hope you brought

a plunger.

Got it.

Hmm.

Hey, can I bring my assistant with me?

No.

[chuckles mischievously]

Pim. Will you play laser squash

with your old man, please?

Dad... can't a girl cook?

Fine. I'll just go scrimmage myself.

What a beautiful Uni loaf.

Happy Unification Day, Pim.

Pim, you just earned yourself some time in
front of the old boob tube.

[eerie Sci-Fi music plays]

[dance music plays]

Come on. Huh?

You're not gonna let this
in to the dance floor?

[whooshing]

What are you thinkin'?

Phil! You gotta get in here.

There's the coolest dance floor,

a bubble machine,
and a mechanical parrot.

I'm gonna be in a video.

Mazel tov.

Excuse me. 'Scuse me.

This is bad. I've never seen
anything like it.

It's like trying to cut down a tree
with a butter knife.

Don't you have a spare?

Forget the plunger.

I'm gonna need a 90-foot plumber snake

with a 3-horse-power engine.

Or the cheese is gonna slide
right off the cr*cker.

Hey!

You want to get in here?

You get the man his snake.

Deal. Keely, I'll be right back.

[sighs]

Just checking on my
Unification Day meat loaf!

[eerie Sci-Fi music plays]

[gasps]

Oh, my gosh!

Sweet mama loaf!

What happened?!

I gotta get this thing outta here.

[creaking]

When I asked the kids--

what in the world is this?

What's what?

Uh... oh.

This.

Uh, this is the meat loaf.

I made extra so we'd have leftovers.

You know me-- always thinking of others.

It looks like someone

tried to get out of her school project

by using an entire spray can
of meat loaf.

Mmm!

Pull up a chair and get it
while it's still hot.

[Barb] Lloyd, get a shovel, too.

The Unification loaf is starting to drip
into the heater vent.

Got it, honey.

Gosh darn! You scared bejunkas outta me.

[sighs] You been hidin'
out here all night?

No. I was at the party.

Uh, they needed this plumbing thing--

a snake.

Right. The party. So,
how's your party goin'?

It's great. It's-- it's what they call
a off-the-hook.

I know off the hook.

Our Unification Day's off the hook...

So off the hook,
we're not even usin' hooks anymore.

We... ran out.

So, uh... Anyway, I came out for a shovel.

Your mom wants to play a game
of shovels wild.

Oh.

Hey--hey, Dad. Um... I was thinkin'.
I have some time.

Maybe, uh...

We could play a game of laser squash.

Really? Are you sure
you're not too old to play?

[chuckles] Oh, come on.

You're just sayin' that because...

You're afraid of the
old crop duster, huh?

Afraid? No.

You're afraid of the old knuckle buckler.

Ha! You call that a jump?

No. I call this a jump.

Tired?

No. I haven't even warmed up yet, hoss.

Ohh!

Game set, Lloyd!

[panting]

That was a sweet knuckle buckler.

Yeah. Thanks.

All right, that's, uh, 3 sets apiece.

We've been playin' that long?

Yeah, I guess we have.

If you want to get back to your party, I
guess you should go now.

Unless you want to do a tiebreaker.

Um...

Right. You should get
back to your friends.

I know they're important to you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey. Don't forget your snake.

Oh. Yeah.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Phil, that was great.

Yeah. It was the best.

I have been dancin' up a storm in there.

Ohh! Cool down, Tia. Cool down.

Hey, plumber man, what took you so long?

Go on in, slick.

Uh, actually... I'm gonna...

I'm gonna head home.

Are you crazy? This is the party
of the year.

This is the party of my life!

Yeah, it may be. But, uh...

I'm gonna head out.

Ok. Come on.

Phil... I don't understand.

Why are you leaving?

Well... today's Unification Day.

Ok, but I thought you
wanted to go to the party.

Yeah. I know. So did I.

It's just... When I went home just now,

my dad and I started playing

this stupid game of laser squash,

like we do every year,
and all of a sudden,

we were divin' on the ground
and jokin' around,

and we really had a good time, and the
next thing I knew,

it was 6 games later,
and... I made my dad really happy.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. Sounds so cool.

And--and now I just have
this incredible urge

to have some of my mom's Unification loaf.

What's Unification loaf?

Come on.

Are---are you serious?

Yeah. You'll love it.

[note plays on pitch pipe]

Ready, begin.

[all] ♪ O Uni Day ♪

♪ O Uni Day ♪

♪ Oh, how we love ♪

♪ O Uni Day ♪

[Lloyd] ♪ Uni Day ♪

Hit it, Lloyd.

-Oh-ee geh geh geh--
-Dad.

Dad. I'm beggin' you.

Oh. M-Mrs. Diffy.

Mrs. Diffy. Over here.

-Oh. Ha ha ha!
-Ha ha.

This is a beautiful centerpiece.

Thanks, Keely.
You're the first one to notice.

[chuckles]

Strap in, Keely. This is the main event--

the Uni Day meat loaf.

Gangway, people!

Meat loaf comin' through.

You know, it's not usually
served with a shovel.

[slurpy sloshing]

How many scoops do you want?

Oh, one shovelful is usually my limit.

Uhh!

[crash]

Well, this has turned out

to be the best Unification Day ever.

[chuckles]

Got peace, Dad?

You betcha, Son.

Got peace, Mrs. Diffy?

Ha ha! Got peace, Keely?

Ok, family... Dig in.

We've reached the end
of our meat loaf train.

We've got your meat loaf and eggs, your
chicken- fried meat loaf,

and meat loaf mashed potatoes,
and we've got

your meat loaf with pancakes.

Is there anything
that doesn't have meat loaf?

Well, the oat meal doesn't have
that much meat loaf.

You could probably pick it out.

The coffee hardly has any.

And that, family, is the last of it.

Thank goodness. I was starting
to sweat meat loaf.

You know, at first I was
a little sick of it,

but then I hit my groove.

Anybody else need a napkin?

Mmm.

[all] Ha ha ha!

What?

Dad, I think your butt's
retaining meat loaf.

[laughter]

Ha ha ha!

[chortling]