01x07 - Deer Woman

[bunniefuu]

All right!

I'm gonna go drain a snake.

Wally? Watch my beer.

Why, you gonna have use the woods,
man, because the toilet's broken!

Bull sh*t!

Howdy buddy?

Hello!

Hello there!

Hello?

Shut up!

God damn it!

Son of a b*tch!

Faraday?

- Yeah?
- We're going out on a call.

Why am I going out on a call?

Einhron said to take you.
Said the call was a little... weird!

So now I'm the weird call guy, huh?

Yeah, cause you know you've
been so busy, he figured...

Alright, alright.

Alright.
Alright, alright, I'm coming.

Okay.
What's so weird about this?

- Possible dead body?
- Possible?

Yeah, possible.

Well, is there a dead guy
or isn't there a dead guy?

- Caller said he didn't know what it was.
- Hooo... Spooky.

And why couldn't
another uniform do this?

It's out of our county.
Our patrols don't usually go that far

- unless we get a call.
- And we got a call.

- We got a call...
- Yeah, and we're the weird call guy, huh!

I'm Detective Faraday.
This is the Officer Reed.

I'm glad you came.

- We've been waiting all morning.
- Right...

Where is it?

Where is what?

- The Thing!
- Sure... Come on.

Someone kicked the door in
or some kind of device.

- Maybe a car crash.
- No, I don't think so.

Looks like somebody broke
the door from the inside

and then picked it up and tried
to put it back on, you know?

What the hell could do that?

- I don't know.
- Look. The door ain't the problem.

The problem's inside.

Here! Look for yourself.
I'll go around!

Come on.

Fine.

Oh Jesus!

Now tell me honestly buddy,

what the f*ck is that?

I was thinking at first it
maybe a dead animal, but...

but now I...

What are you doing?

- What do you think?
- I don't know.

- Has anyone touched this or anything?
- No, no, no...

- I made sure nobody fooled with it!
- Right.

Holy sh*t!

I think that was about 11:40
that he left with her and...

- he looked out of it.
- Define "out of it".

Drunk... He looked drunk.

What more can you tell
me about this woman?

Well, let me think...

- Indian, I think.
- Indian?

You know... American Indian like...
Native American.

Right, I got it.
Go ahead.

Long black hair.

She had... sharp features.

Like she was perfectly carved.

Like someone really
took time making her.

- Can I get her height?
- Well, she's maybe...



... and

She was just... real sexy, you know?

One of those where you look at it and all
you could think was "Man I got to hit that!"

- I got to hit it!
- Pardon me, hit that?

f*ck her!

- Oh!
- Yeah.

She had these eyes like a...

Well, maybe they were contacts, but...

maybe like yellow eyes, you know?

- Okay, so. What? Light brown?
- No, man! Yellow.

Like a... like a deer
caught in the headlights of your car.

Right!

- Who's in charge of the scene?
- That'll be me!

Great!

Well ...

I hope you didn't manage to
lose the body or something.

Nope. Everything's copacetic.

- Copacetic!
- Yeah, everything's cool.

Whatever.

- Just give me your notes.
- I thought Einhron was giving me this one.

In your dreams, Dwight.
This one's on me.

You see, I'd say this falls under the violent crimes category

not insurance fraud or incest, or

whatever bullshit they
got you up to these days.

- Animal attacks.
- Right, sure. Animal attacks...

So tell me. Does this look like
an animal attack to you?

Actually they are telling me they
saw some deer over by the truck.

Right, right. So a deer
rips this guys truck door off,

beats him with a sledgehammer till it
looks like surrealist art and then what?

Retires to his chateau in the
woods to plan his next attack?

I didn't ask for this, Carl.

Whatever. I came in begging for
a reason to get out of the station.

Detective Patterson will
be taking over from me.

Have a nice day.

- I just got a call from the central...
- I know! I know! We're off the case.

Yeah! They want me back patrolling
Greenwood and you on an animal attack.

What is it?

Some old man's pet monkey
bit some old lady's dog!

Now there's a royal rumble going down.

They want you back at the station.

Wonderful.

Of course that was before
we moved to Seattle,

and I'd never seen anyone
own a monkey there!

I didn't even think owning
a monkey was legal, in fact!

I think you'd better check that out.

Yes, ma'am!

Did you make a note of that?
If owning a monkey is ill*gal?

Yes, ma'am. I made a note
to check it out. Yes, I did.

Of course he's always
a vicious little thing!

In fact he nearly
k*lled my neighbor's cat.

He just picked it up and twirled it around
and around and round and hit that wall...

That poor cat...

I can't have 5 husbands
looking after this.

Excuse me?

- Excuse me!
- It started at the groin!

What did you just say?

The trampling!

It was a trampling. It started at
the groin and worked its way up

and then back down the body,
maybe 15... 16 times!

That's why it didn't
look like a body at first!

The torso was shattered
and caved inwards.

What?

It's nice talking to you, ma'am.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Did the morgue get in that
body from Red County yet?

Yes, sir.
It's already on the table.

The family has requested it but, we
just gonna keep it for a little longer.

- See if we can dredge something up.
- What name is it under?

The guy's name was Moltoy...

Yeah! Henry Moltoy.

Sign me in so I can take
a look at it, will you?

They actually in the middle
of checking it out right now.

Who is the...

Dana!

Great.

Hey, Dana.

Dana?

Dana?

Dana?

Christ...

I thought they stop letting
you wear your... face thing.

Yeah, but no one else would take
this guy, so I figured... f*ck 'em right?

What do you mean,
no one else would take him?

Just that. No one would stop look and look
at it for more than a couple of seconds.

Aren't you people trained to
handle this kind of stuff?

Yeah.
That's what I said.

I should probably get that.

Do you have the cause of death, yet?

Well, massive blunt force trauma
would be sort of an obvious guess.

This guy got levelled.
Well, it looks like a truck ran over him,

- then backed over him and ran over him...
- I get it.

- But it wasn't a truck.
- No.

Have any clue what it was?

Not the slightest, *** got
one thing for sure, so far.

What's that?

He died with a...

He died in a state of arousal.

How can you tell that?

You see this?
That was his p*nis.

You see these lines here?
These are stress fractures.

You wouldn't see
those if he was flaccid.

Something snapped his p*nis.

- What do you mean "snapped"?
- I mean "snapped".

- k*ll that kind of thought.
- Here's Patterson's case?

Yes, but I was first on the scene.

And I have a... an interest.

- So you're off homicides?
- I am.

But there's a chance
this is an animal attack.

Really?

Yeah look!

- What are you looking at?
- Now... just look.

- Hoof prints!
- Hoof prints!

I couldn't get a flight out
until tomorrow morning so...

I'll have an early dinner
and call it a night.

What?

Well, right now I'm having
a scotch to celebrate the deal.

Good.

Alright. Okay, I'll see you
in the office on Thursday.

Fine. Goodbye.

Hi!

Can I buy you a drink?

I bet I know what you want.

A "Cosmopolitan".

Am I right?

Bartender?
A "Cosmopolitan" for the lady.

I'm only here for one night. Can you
recommend a good restaurant for dinner?

Thank you, my good man.

Cheers!

So... are you...

here all by yourself?

Well this is... my lucky day.

Would you care to join me for dinner?

I can't believe how well this day is going.

You want to go?

Are you hungry...
Should we call room service?

You don't fool around, do you?

This is definitely my lucky day!

So this man lures
a woman into the truck.

He tries to have sex with her.
She gets mad and leaves...

Then a deer comes and
stomps the man to death.

Okay. Problems.
One:

There's not a deer in the world
that could do that kind of damage.

Two: There's something kicked
the door out from the inside.

And three:
What happened to the girl?

- She went home?
- How did she get home?

She disappeared...
And where did the deer come from?

Maybe the girl went cold she and
he had a deer hand as a replacement!

It would be a lot easier to think of this
objectively if it wasn't so damn stupid.

Maybe it was something else. You know,
I mean other animals have hooves.

No. Trust me.
Those are deer hooves.

Maybe the girl beat him
to death with a deer leg.

What's wrong?

This is one of those sentences
that you never expect to hear.

Well, I was just saying here.

Okay, look it's 1 am.
We've been at this for hours,

and the best we had
was m*rder by taxidermy.

Okay. I'm...
I should be home in bed.

- And I should be out partying!
- Right.

- Thanks for your time, Dana.
- Not a problem.

So...

- Are you going to ask to be reassigned or...?
- No.

No, it's just a hunch.

No, tomorrow's back to
dog bites and lost cats.

Ah, it's right here.

You see this little lady right here?

After you.

Stupid!

Did you hear something?

No!

No, wait.
I definitely heard something.

No, you didn't. Come on.
Let's get in the truck.

There you go.

Here it is again.

It's over there.

Ret*rded...

Come here.

Wait!

Did you hear something?

No...

- Go...
- Okay.

- Hey.
- What?

I didn't leave the door unlock.

f*ck!

Can I help you?

- Yo Dwight?
- Yeah... yes... What?

What is it?

I just thought you should know they
found another one of those things.

Pardon me, what things?

Another one of those "hamburger"
things, you know? Trampled to death.

They just brought in
the body this morning.

I only know because Patterson was having a
hissy fit about you playing with his corpse.

- Hey, I didn't play with it.
- Hey, whatever, man.

Tell me honestly. Why aren't
you ever doing anything?

- Excuse me?
- I've been here for five months.

Up until yesterday,
I talked to you twice.

But I see you every day.

You're always sitting right there
and your eyes always right about...

... there.

What's your point, Reed?

Well, I've never heard of a detective that
was assigned exclusively to animal attacks.

- What happened?
- A lot happened.

- May we delve?
- No.

Oh man, you're no fun...

- Is that your wife?
- We are separated, actually.

- sh*t! I'm sorry.
- Don't worry about it, man.

- What are you doing right now?
- Me...?

Bothering you, I guess.

I was supposed to go down to the firing
range but... I don't have much to do...

You want go down to the morgue
and take a look at the new cadaver?

That's not the sort
of stuff I do for fun.

Christ!

Start working the highway, Reed!

It will toughen you up a
little bit to stuff like this.

Same MO...
Basically massive blunt force trauma,

died in a state of arousal,
you know the deal...

But then...

I found this.

Under his fingernails.

- That can't be human hair!
- Yeah! It's deer hair!

Deer hair!

Yeah, looks like it got
pulled out during a struggle.

Hmm.

Hmm?

Someone gets sliced and diced in a
struggle with a deer in a hotel room,

and your response is "hmm"?

- He was in a hotel?
- That's what it said in the file.

So we must have witnesses
saying they saw him there right?

- Yeah, with a girl.
- You have a description?

We have three...

- Dark skin, long dark hair?
- You got it.

Well, that's about all
they have in common,

We got 3 different heights,


although they all agree
she was gorgeous.

Hey, I'm starting to see what
you say about those hooves.

Some big animal did
a tap dance on this guy.

Is there any way we can
tell how big the deer was?

Alright, so we're definitely
calling the perp a deer now?

A deer or a...
deer type animal.

Well, what about the woman?

I don't know about the woman yet.
I'm still thinking about the woman.

There's no real way to call
the size, at least as I know of...

But the hairs were short, which probably
mean she was either young or small.

Oh no, no. There's no way anything
under 300 lbs did this to him!

I mean... This was a big guy.

- You know it's not like he was...
- Maybe it's strong.

Really strong. It kicked the
door clean off that 18 wheeler.

So wait! The girl smuggles a deer
in the room under her coat...

Stop with the girl. We're not
thinking about the girl yet.

- We're still on the weapon.
- Weapon?

Man, I thought we agreed
on an animal attack?

Yeah... buddy.

We got another one of
those messy ones, Dana.

- Hello, Faraday.
- So soon?

It's just in. I brought it into Room 1,
but they said you were handling this.

Great.

Don't feel bad.
I'm still the weird calls guy.

What? So, you're not
going to say hello to me?

I said "Hello"! You
should say "Hello" back..

I don't even know your name.

I'm Bill!

And you still should
have said "Hello"!

- But I didn't know...
- When did this one arrive?

About 15 minutes ago.

Now there are still officers on the scene
but Patterson, had the coroner

take the body away because
there was a crowd there...

Still having trouble
finding one of his arms.

That's creepy!

You're driving.

What the f*ck!

At least we found the arm.

Oh boys?

Fuches? What's up?

What are you doing here?
This is me and Patterson's case.

- Calm down. We're just checking it out.
- No you're not! Go on, get out of here.

Where did they find the body?

I'm not telling you.
Find your own way around.

Dwight!

On the roof.

Whoo, first names!

Faraday? What the hell
are you doing here?

- I'm just looking around.
- We just one of them crime scene,
a crime scene these days.

- Hey, calm down, man.
- Calm down? He just ambles in
here, I'm suppose to calm...

Come to think of it,
who the hell are you?

- Excuse me...
- I'm Officer Reed.

Reed? Didn't I seen your
name on street beat?

What are you doing
loitering around my...

Detective Faraday has just as
much of a right to be here as you.

He had the first one of these...

- These things!
- Murders!

Have you seen the bodies?
You think a human did that?

Or would you prefer me to ...

Faraday, what the f*ck are you doing?

Get off my roof!

- Good night ladies! Drive safely!
- Shut up Fuches!

I can drop you off
before I turn the car in.

No, no thanks. I live about a mile
from here, you know. I'll walk.

- You sure.
- Yeah, it'll do me good to clear my head.

Okay. Get some sleep.

You too.

Now, now I'm... definitely losing it.

Give me your wallet, as*h*le,
or I will cut you!

Okay! Okay, okay...

You m*therf*cker! You almost
gave me a g*dd*mn heart attack.

- Listen. Don't sh**t me.
- Don't sh**t you?

Don't you know better
than to mug a policeman?

You don't look like a cop.

You know, I was going to call backup and
have you booked, but you know what?

What?

- You f*cking stabbed me!
- Don't pull it out!

There's a hospital about 4 blocks from
here. Have the doctors remove it.

When that arm heals up, get a job
and stay off the g*dd*mn street.

What the f*ck was that!

All I'm saying is that we
cannot rule out an animal attack.

Weren't you just saying that
this was a sexual as*ault homicide?

Yes, well that's true too. Maybe
some sort of an animal sexual as*ault.

Oh boy! Here we go...

I think your private fantasy life is beginning
to interfere with your work, Faraday!

Shut up, Fuches!

Look, I'm being serious. Dana down at
forensics says the blows are hoof shape.

Oh, right. Dana...
That pillar of sanity!

The blows are circular,
the hooves are oval...

- And I don't think that...
- Shut up, Fuches!

The m*rder weapon is hoof shaped.
I'll give you that one.

But the blows hit these guys with a
tremendous amount of force behind them.

For an animal of that size and strength
to be hiding in a major metropolitan area

for any extended amount of
time is frankly impossible.

It is possible! It's very possible!
This could be an unknown animal.

Some kind of a mutant
hoofed quadruped.

Oh great! We got k*ller moose
man roaming the streets.

- A new animal! A new kind of animal.
One that we haven't seen before.
- Alright.

- That's enough.
- In London in 1981,

a series of brutal animal attacks
were directly linked to a freak wolf

- that was gunned down in Piccadilly Circus.
- I'm familiar with the case.

Then what makes this so different?

Because this is not 1981.
This is not London.

These men weren't bitten,
or clawed or even scratched.

They were pounded
into f*cking mince meat!

Then how do you explain the bloody hoof
prints that were found at the scene?

I don't know.

They were way too far apart for anything
that I know with hoofs to have made them.

My bet is, they're from the perp
dragging the weapon on the ground.

That is ridiculous. The distance
between the hoof print, suggests

an animal that was moving on two legs.

A biped that was leaping
or... jumping like a deer.

And I can't believe you're taking this
dragged weapon theory seriously, come on.

As opposed to your Minotaur theory?

Minotaur! That's funny.

Look chief. All I'm asking is
the next time it happens,

let me be first on the scene.

- Are you calling Dips?
- Yeah, I'm calling Dips.

What makes you sure
there'll be a next time?

Two days, 3 bodies. I seriously
doubt that the k*ller this brutal

is gonna stop without
having being caught.

Oh... and you're the one
to catch him, right?

- Christ! Can you have your push-up?
- Or shave?

Shut up, Fuches!

Right.

Because I remember you
being a half decent detective

at one time, you've got it.

- Come on! This is a bullshit!
- You're sh*t!

Faraday, please watch your back!

That's enough.
It's Faraday's case.

Yes, sir...

I can't hear you.

Yes, sir.

Now...

Do either of you know
anything about this guy

who claims he was
attacked by a cop with a knife?

Dana has the results from the
autopsy of the body on the roof.

Guess what she found.

- What?
- Guess.

- How the hell am I supposed to guess?
- Deer DNA.

Deer DNA?

Deer DNA.

- What does that mean?
- You're Sherlock, man. I'm just Watson!

It's pretty quiet around here.
You want to catch some lunch?

The new Indian Casino
feeds officers free.

You mean the new Native
American Casino, right?

They make enough money off the slots
to feed a couple of brothers in blue, right?

Let's go.

Howdy and welcome
to River Rock Casino.

I'm Steve, your official greeter
here in River Rock.

Say, did you hear the one about the
Indian brave who went to a psychiatrist?

He said: Doctor, I don't know if
I'm a wigwam or a teepee.

The psychiatrist replied:
My son, you're Two Tense!

Say, why not try our
steak and lobster buffet?

Or dance your troubles away to music,

mirth and magic tones.

Now performing 3 shows nightly in the
River Rock spectacular Pow-Wow Room.

Please.

Thank you.

Okay. Here's the story.

Back when I was still in homicide, I was
partnered with a guy named Ted Niman.

A sweet guy... smart, you know.
He's really going places.

He started criminal justice
classes because he wanted to be

a crime fiction writer.

Just sort of fall in love with it.

Anyway we were following up lead on
this m*rder g*ng. And it's no big deal...

You know it's just a little
drug deal thing... you know.

Anyway, we found an address
on this guy named Dykon Barlow.

When we got there, we...

We should have radioed for
backup, but we didn't.

Ted went round the back,
I went on the front and...

Trouble started right away
and it was crazy.

Crack got is running every which way.

And of course, one of them decides
he's not afraid of the cops, right.

So he runs on me with a p*stol. A little
white guy, bright red hair, you know?

Must have been about 95 pounds...

And I don't have my g*n out.

Like, so I'm basically...

running away a couple of seconds
so I can pull the GL*CK

and by then he chased me into
this narrow hallway and I just...

I turned and I fired
my g*n three times.

One shot missed, the other
two hit him here and... here.

I'm still rushing off the adrenaline,

and was scared to death of some junky's
gonna jump out at me out of nowhere and then

I... I saw Ted.
My partner, Ted.

He was lying on the floor
and back of the junky.

b*ll*ts went through the
guy and they... both hit Ted.

So there was this big
investigation, you know, and...

For a while, a few people
said that I planned it, right.

That I meant to sh**t Ted.

You know, eventually the whole
thing was dismissed as an accident,

and people don't forget so easily.

Einhron took me off active duty and
by the time he let me come back,

I was on animal attacks.

So I was pretty f*cked up
and was sick of it... you know...

and I was always out of it and doped
on anti-depressants. My wife left me,

and I lost touch with
most of my friends and...

And then I had this...
This kind of a...

- realization.
- An epiphany.

I just realized that we all have our time
to make our mark on this planet, you know?

And all that I'd done
with my time was...

get a decent man k*lled.

That's the mark I made on the Earth.

That's dark!

Yeah, well...

sh*t!

Oh, now we got our
special sharing time.

Let's figure out what the deer
monster has against horny men.

Now this girl...

This girl bothers me.

Whatever is happening to these men,
it's happened because of her.

Right.

- Maybe it's not a woman.
- What?

There's this type of spider
looks just like an ant.

Okay, builds this fake
ant-holes and hides in them,

waits for the real ants
to follow them down...

And then chomp!

Right.

So you're saying the deer monster
pretends to be a beautiful woman,

lures guys to somewhere secluded
and then stomps the sh*t out of them?

- I don't know...
- Alright! Deer woman!

Woh woh what?... You know
the Deer woman?

- How you guys listen to stuff like that?
- And to stuff like what?

You know, Native American mythology.
You know, the Deer Woman.

the Piasa Thunderbirds, the Olgoya,
you know, stuff like that!

Seat down.

- I got to...
- No no no! It's okay, please.

- Sit down.
- Yeah, I guess I got a minute.

What you heard us talking about isn't
a legend. It's a case we're working on.

Okay, somebody is k*lling people in
the city, trampling them to death.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I saw that on the news.

- You guys think that's the Deer Woman?
- What is a Women Deer exactly?

Okay. Here is the story
how my dad used to tell it.

When the Pohonkians would get together,
you know, for a big social gathering,

the Deer Woman would come out of the
woods and slip unnoticed into the party.

She's like the most beautiful
woman in the world.

Really sexy, built like a
goddess from the waist up.

But from the waist down
she's like a deer.

- A deer?
- Well, you know, she has deer legs...

- Four legs or two?
- You guys can't be serious!

We're very serious.

Two legs. Anyway, she comes in
to the party, she finds a guy.

She lures him out somewhere secluded,
bangs him, and then tramples him to death.

That's the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.

Hey, it's just a story...

How come no one notices
she has deer legs?

- She keeps them covered up.
- Why? Why does she do it?

What's her motive?

Why does everything have to
have a why with you people?

You know, it's a woman with deer legs.
m*rder really isn't an issue here.

Okay.

- How do they catch her?
- What do you mean "catch her"?

Well you know, how does the legend end.
How do they k*ll the deer woman?

They don't!

She just kills everyone who she seduces and
then she disappears back into the forest.

Right.

This is just some silly ** in this
Pohonkin legend and you two

are acting like this is a serious
theory in a criminal case.

Actually, it's our only
theory at the moment.

I'm going home, shower and change
and get completely drunk!

What's the matter?
This case is getting to you?

Look.
Every legend is based in fact.

Every legend is not based in fact.

If you take that attitude, we're
never going to get anywhere.

Look, I get off soon. I'm
thinking about coming back.

Maybe hitting the slots...

You want to come?
A little drinking, a little gambling...

- I don't gamble?.
- Didn't you see how they
were paying off in there?

You saw one person win.

So now you're going to
come back and play,

thinking you're going to win
like the one person you saw win!

Out of the hundreds of
people who are doing there?

That's correct!

It's people like you that
make America great.

Want to bet?

Working nights now, Faraday?

- Not now, Fuches!
- f*ck, I'm sorry for being such
an as*h*le to you earlier.

The more I look at this case,
the more it seems bizarre.

Yeah, to say the least...

- Have a good night.
- You too.

as*h*le!

sh*t!

Excuse me, ma'am?

- Can I get a "7 and 7" please?
- Well, I don't see why not.



Here we go, new sh**ter coming out.

Any ** last chance.

Here we go.

sh*t!

Okay, here we go.

- Thank you.
- Ah, thank you!

Should I play the 7?

Lady, you're the boss.

Here we go.

How about that?

Here we go.

That's what I'm talking about!

You want me to let it run?

Okay.

The lady said let it run.

Alright lady! Where have
you been all my life?

Yes! Yes!

- Hey lucky? How about another round?
- Yeah! For everybody...

Oh, man!
You are beautiful!

Dammit! I've got to get that.

I know, baby, but it's my job,
I got to get to the phone...

Hold on, baby.
I'm not going anywhere!

- Hello?
- Are you Reed?

Dwight?

Look, I've been doing some research.

That's good, Dwight.
I'll see you tomorrow.

This has happened here before.

Okay, about a hundred years ago,


They had all been seen
with a pretty woman.

Dwight?

I'm a little drunk and
something's came up.

No, I'm thinking we should put
some officers in clubs and bars

and on the streets, you know?

I'm a little busy now.

I've got a girl in here, man!
I will call you tomorrow!

Have you seen her feet?

Say what?

Do you know her?
Have you seen her feet?

Reed?
Are you there?

- I'm a f*cking idiot, Dwight!
- Where's your g*n?

Call backup!

Reed. Reed!

Request backup in


Copy that.

f*ck me!

Reed?

Reed?

Reed?

Oh, my God!

Officer down. Repeat,
officer down at 35-81 Minery.

... Apartment 406

What have I done?

Damn it!

Police! Police!
Don't you move!

Jesus Christ!

I know all it's a*s...