Mafia Mamma (2023)

[bunniefuu]

This means w*r.

Oh, my baby.

f*cking college.

Okay, so, I checked

the weather in Portland
and it's 85 degrees,

so you will need your sunscreen.

Yeah, I know, Mom.
It's in my backpack.

You got all
your other toiletries?

Yes, in my bag that you packed.

While I watched, remember?

You were crying the whole time.

Yeah, what a mess.

It's not like he's going
off to w*r. It's just Oregon.

I know, I know,

but it's such
an amazing time in your life,

you can literally become
anyone you wanna be.

- Mom?
- You could change the world.

- Mom?
- You could colonize Mars.

- I mean...
- Mom,

you're spiraling.

Sorry, sorry, boys. We'll just
be one minute. No problem.

And remember...

- Lakers for life.
- Lakers for life, I know.

Come back a Blazers fan,
I'm not gonna let you

- back in the house.
- Yeah, I know, Dad.

- Stop.
- I'm serious.

Stop eating the trail mix.

It's for Nicky.
It's a long trip.

Um, I guess this is it.

I'm sorry,
I'm a little emotional.

Mom, Dad.

- Okay.
- I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you.

Okay, see you later. Call
me when you get there.

Yo, let's... f*ck' go.

Freedom!

Let's do this.

There goes our baby.

Ah!

I love you!

Every woman dreams of full brows

and long luscious eyelashes.

And thanks to Profizal's
hair-generating technology,

I believe we have
a real opportunity

to market this
to chemo patients.

It's too sad.

I mean,
anybody here wanna be sad?

No. Nobody wants to be sad.

Where's the ad that says

Profizal puts hair
on men's heads?

That's who we should
be marketing to.

Insecure men

with lots of cash.

No, actually, Dad,
ICO labs said Profizal

- doesn't work on scalps.
- It doesn't?

No.
Oh, sh*t.

We gotta get you on
another project, dammit.

Oh, what about Restylane?

The anti-ageing filler?

Yes, the new Galderma product

for older women.

Because, you know, you're a...

you're... you're
an expert, really.

I mean, you're of
a certain age bracket.

- I'm 40.
- Whoa! I did not ask her age.

Everybody saw that, right?

Would never do that.

Look, I really think

this would be
a perfect fit for you.

Okay.

Randy, what do you got?

Erectile dysfunction, Hank,

is a thing of the past

with Thoracinil.

Hey. So, Thoracinil
is banned in the EU,

so we can't use Mykonos

but he's on a jet-ski.
I love those.

I love jet-skis.

Hello?

Uh, well, it's Kristin Dorner

Balbano is my maiden name.

You never give up
the name Balbano.

Sorry? Who is this?

I am Bianca

and I have terrible news.

Giuseppe Balbano is dead.

Oh, my father's father.

God, I didn't even
know he was alive.

Can you hold on a sec?

Paul!

My husband's in a band.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Your grandfather is dead.

You need to settle his affairs.

His affairs? But, I mean,

I don't even know him.

You're named specifically
in his will.

We'll fly you to Italy.

You'll leave tomorrow night.

Wait. What, did you say Italy?

Like, as in Italy Italy?

Yes, Italy.

Oh, that sounds...

No, I... No, I can't
just get on a plane

and head on over
to my dream place.

Everything is crazy
at work right now

and my husband
needs me, you know?

And I just can't see
that I can get away...

Quiet, listen to my lyric here.

♪ I'm no longer
Ear-ear-earth... ♪

I gotta go.

♪ ...Bound

What time is it?

Kristin...

- Before you start...
- Hey

- Hey.
- Listen, I just want you to know I'm a feminist.

Uh...

We met before.

Really?
Yeah.

At Domenick's school,

I'm the guidance counsellor.

Oh, my God. I... It's just that,

I wouldn't have done
this if you had

more faith in your husband.

He's a great songwriter.

I know.

Tracy, it's time for you to go.

What?

- Listen.
- Yes, listening.

I support your right to be angry.
Thank you so much.

- That's really kind.
- Yeah, maybe call me,

we can talk this through.

- Really? You would do that?
- What d'you say?

Yeah.
Sure, I mean...

Bye.
Bye.

Kris, I am so sorry.

This is really hard
for me to admit but,

I have this illness.

All I wanna do is have sex.

I mean, I wanna have sex, too.

We haven't had sex in, like,

- three years.
- Yeah, I know,

but I mean, with a new person.

Oh!

Yeah, it's not personal, it's...

Hey,

I left my phone.

My phone.

- This one?
- Yeah, thank you.

It's just hard, you know,
with Domenick leaving,

it's just a big adjustment.

Don't defend that d*uche stain.

He's a grown-a*s man
working at a Starbucks.

Stranger grabs your purse.

Crotch. Eye.
Crotch. Eye.

Stranger grabs your boob.

Crotch. Eye.
Crotch. Eye.

- What? Oh, my God!
- Is that him?

- Is that him? Give me the phone.
- No, it's Italy calling again.

They want me to fly to Rome

tomorrow night
to settle his affairs.

I mean, that's crazy,
right? I can't go.

Kristin,

what do you masturbate to?

Italian cooking shows.
I mean, more specifically,

Stanley Tucci:
Searching for Italy.

There was this one episode

where he went to this
burrata factory,

and it was all creamy

and he got his hands
in all the milky stuff.

- It was so...
- Stop. You've masturbated

this fantasy into existence.

You have to go.

Stranger puts
a g*n in your face.

Jenny, my boss just
assigned me a new campaign.

Well, make it a business trip.

ICO has suppliers
all over the globe.

How do you think I got to go
to Brazil, Iceland and Ireland

- last year, huh?
- I don't know.

To settle their lawsuits.

Well, shouldn't I stay here

and work on my marriage?

You should work on
getting your p*ssy pounded.

Oh, my God. Stranger
says you're prettier

when you smile.

Crotch. Eye.
Crotch. Eye.

Stop thinking about
everybody else.

Start thinking about you.

Fine, then think
about your grandfather's

last dying wish.

Oh, my God maybe I should go.

- Did you see what I did there?
- No.

I just got you to go
to Italy by putting

- someone else's feelings ahead of your own.
- All right, all right,

I deserve this.
I deserve this.

I'm gonna go
and I'm gonna have my own

Under the Tuscan Sun.
Or Eat, Pray, Love.

f*ck.

What?

Eat, Pray, f*ck.

Say it.

What, Eat, Pray... f*ck?

Eat, Pray, f*ck.

Jesus.

Eat, Pray...

- f*ck.
- Say it again.

Eat, Pray...

- f*ck!
- Louder.

From the vag*na!
Eat, Pray, f*ck.

Eat, Pray, f*ck.
Eat, Pray, f*ck.

Eat, Pray, f*ck.

Hey, Nicky. It's Mom.

I just wanna let you know

I landed safe, in Italy.

I even bought
myself a journal at the airport.

I've always wanted a journal.

Um, anyway... sh*t.

Sorry, not you.
I love you. Anyway...

Oh... Whoa!

I said you can stand up,

- if you like.
- Oh, my God. Right. Yes, thank you.

Oh, my God, you smell so good.

Um, I'm, um...

Oh, my God, what is

my name?
Sorry. Kristin. Hi.

- Kristin, I'm Lorenzo.
- Yes. Hello, Lorenzo.

Lorenzo!
Scusa!

Sorry. Uh...
It's okay.

- This is my Aunt Esmeralda.
- Oh.

She just got back
from holiday in Greece.

- Oh, nice.
- Yeah.

And she wants to get home.

Hi. Ciao. I'm Kristin.
I'm just visiting.

Yeah. I mean,
I was born here,

but I haven't been back

since I was a... a baby.

What did she say?

She wants me to ask
for your number.

But don't worry,
I don't want to assume.

Well...
So...

Ciao.

Uh, no, no.
Wait. I mean,

if Aunt Esmeralda wants my
number, who am I to say "no?"

Oh, sorry. I am not
usually so veloce

with asking for phone numbers.

- What is veloce?
- Oh, yeah. Quick.

If... if you knew that,

it would have been funnier.

No, it's very funny, I get it.

I got it, Veloce.
Veloce is good. I...

I like your veloce-ness.

My God!

What was that?
I am so sorry.

It's okay.
So, are you here on

business or pleasure?

Um, well...

pleasure. You know,
grandfather just died and...

Oh, no, I... I didn't know
him, that's not...

that part's sad, but, um...

So maybe...

half pleasure.

I have to run.

Yes, sure. Um...

Well, I'll... I'll call you.

What...

just happened?

- Oh, my God.
- Kristin Balbano.

Yes.

Bianca sent us
to take you to the funeral.

- Oh, hi. I...
- I'm Aldo.

Okay. Nice to meet you,
Aldo. Yes.

- I'm Dante.
- Hello, Dante. Nice to meet you.

- Your driver.
- Thank you. Thank you so much.

I... It's very... So kind.

Hey, you guys. I am gonna
change now, okay?

So don't turn around or...

The Colosseum.
Can you at least,

please, just, like, go slow?

The Vatican.
The Vaticano?

Did I miss it?
I missed it, right?

Oh, sh*t. Ugh, God. Where is my lipstick?
Fontana Acqua Paola.

I dropped my lipstick.
I I Fontanone.

Oh, what? Where is it?

- Can we go back?
- We have to go to the funeral.

Oh, thank you.

Whew, thank you so much.

Oh, my God.

There he is.

Hi.

We have the same eyes.
We have the same eyes.

That's...

Buongiorno.

Hi. Ciao. Sorry. Um...

Are you Bianca?

Sit.

This is Fabrizio,

your grandfather's great nephew.

Oh, hi, hi. Nice to meet you.

So, that must make us, like,

second cousins, right?

I'm sorry for your loss.

Is he mad at me?

Amen.

Uh...

what did my grandfather do?

He was a winemaker.

He made wine?

I wanna make wine.

Oh, my God,
it must be in the genes.

I mean, you can't
argue genes, right?

Hey, hey,
hey. Are you okay?

Veloce means quick.

Quick, quick, quick!
He needs help!

Hmm.

.

Say hello
to my little friend, Nico.

What the f*ck is going on?

So...

Aldo and Dante are my drivers,

but who are you, really?

- Soldati.
- For the Army or...

Scusi. Hi, hi.

Uh, I'm still in the dark here.

No, no, it's a figure of speech.

Can someone please just
tell me what's going on?

Your grandfather,
Don Giuseppe Balbano,

may he rest in peace,

was m*rder*d

by the Romanos.

We invited them for a meeting,

but things went wrong.

Our Don
and their Don got k*lled.

They disrespected the funeral!

They shot at the coffin!

Don Carlo.

To calm you down. Okay,
thank you, thank you.

Grazie.

The wine's bad. The wine's
gone bad. That's...

The wine is bad.
It's a front.

Oh, God. Is that why
he got m*rder*d?

No, that's crazy.
I mean, is it?

Your grandfather

was not just a winemaker.

No?

Ciao, Kristin Balbano.

I'm your grandfather,
Giuseppe Balbano.

If you are watching this...

I'm dead.

I'm sorry I never
got to see you grow up,

but I am even more sorry

that you grew up

without a father.

My father died in
a construction accident.

Your father did not die

in a construction accident.

Your father was k*lled

by a member of the...

Romano family.

After this incident,

your mother took you
back to America

in search of a safer place.

Hey.

I told her that the safest place

would be with us,

but I respected

her wishes.

You do not cross a mother.

- It's you.
- Oh.

I remember when you were born,

picciridda mia.

I held you in my arms...

and I thought, "One day

"she will be a brave,
confident woman

"who will make me proud."

Saying goodbye to you,

my only grandchild,

was the hardest thing

I ever had to do.

And so,

my dying wish

is that you,

my direct bloodline,

take over

and be the new boss

of the Balbano family.

My trusted general, Bianca...

will be by your side
to help you.

Kristin,

I know you will
respect my wishes

as I respected your mother's.

Oh, this isn't...

I think, uh, no.

I think there's been
a bit of a mistake

because there
is no way that I...

Me?

Thanks, everyone.

This has been very informative,

but I have a Colosseum
tour at 5 p.m.,

- so I gotta go get a cab.
- No, you can't leave.

If the boss says
you are the boss,

- you are the boss now, comprende?
- Yeah, yeah but

you know what?
I am not a boss,

like, not in any way,
shape or form,

so, you know, especially
not in a Mafia kind of way.

I should be the boss!

Yes, yes. Good idea.
He should be the boss.

I mean, who am I to steal
anyone's boss thunder?

Besides, I've got a lot
of sh*t going on at home,

my son just went to college

and my husband
just cheated on me, so...

You want we should
take care of him? Hmm?

Mmm?
No!

No.

No, God, no, no.
I just need a vacation,

I just really want
my Eat, Pray, f*ck!

Eat, Pray, f*ck?

Yeah, it's a play on words,

you know, the book,
Eat, Pray, Love?

Yeah, it's a very uplifting

and moving memoir by...

Elizabeth Gilbert.

Yes! Yes, see, he knows.

Yeah, I wanna make wine,
and I wanna eat pasta,

and be romanced, and...

But you came for a funeral.

Yeah. I mean, you know,

after the funeral.

Hello?

Lorenzo. It's Lorenzo, I should take this.
How are you?

- Give me this.
- Hey, what? No. What? No, no, no, no!

Oh, my God.
I just paid that off!

I won't get another
upgrade for a year

and how is Lorenzo supposed
to get in touch with me?

How will I ever have sex?

You cannot be speaking
to random strangers.

It's too dangerous.

He's not a stranger,

he's gorgeous.

Okay.

You know what?

I'm done.

Bye.

Kristin!

Kristin!

You can't run away
from your destiny.

Oh, yeah? Watch me.

Which way is it?

It's that way!

But I must warn you,

once you walk out those gates,

you will no longer
be under our protection.

Also, you have no phone.

You said you wanted to learn

how to make wine, yes?

We have machines
to crush grapes now,

but this is the classic way.

This does feel kinda nice, huh?

You must stomp on the grapes

- to release their juices.
- Yes.

And you must also take over

as the Balbano family boss.

This is insane.

Where would I even begin?

Shh. Come here.

Are we actually the Mafia?

Your grandfather
preferred to call it

the "invisible family."

Oh, that's spooky.

Invisible but strong,

and we can't appear weakened.

So, you must go to a meeting

with our enemies,

the Romanos.

What, the... the people
who shot at us earlier?

Oh!
I mean, can't Fabrizio go?

It seems like
he would love this stuff.

It can't be Fabrizio.

He started the shootout.

He's a hot-head

- with a horrible temper.
- Hmm.

Just like Sonny.

Who's Sonny?

From The Godfather.

Oh, right. Yeah.
I never saw The Godfather.

Oh, my God.

Okay, look, it's really hard
to find three and a half hours.

All you need to do

is offer their new Don

a part of the east.

Something your grandfather
was too stubborn to part with.

Please, we need someone

who's level-headed,

empathetic

- and unassuming.
- Did you just call me pathetic?

We need you.

No, I will never
be ready. No. No.

Also, we will give you
a new phone...

Oh. Oh, oh.

So you can go
Eat, Pray, f*ck Lorenzo

once we finish
the background check.

Background check?
Yeah.

Lorenzo Villaguzi, aged 33.

Oh, my God, he's quite young.

- Men do it all the time.
- That's true.

He's born in Milano.
Which we don't like.

Yeah, but it's okay, Dante.

- Yeah, Dante.
- And he's recently divorced.

Jackpot! Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God, that's really good news.
- This is your new phone.

Yee!

- It's untraceable.
- Okay.

You meet with Don Romano tonight

and then you can do
what you want with Lorenzo.

Deal?

Oh...

Uh...

Yes, deal. Deal.

Presenting
the new Donna Balbano.

You look like

a librarian from a library,

not a porno.

Darling, come with me.

Again,

presenting la bellissima
Donna Balbano.

Oh, my God, Valentino.

Hello.

- Yes.
- Turn around, turn, turn.

Hey.

And that's what you wear

to meet a mob boss.

- You guys are gonna stay with me the whole time, right?
- Yes.

- Of course.
- Okay, don't leave me.

Don't worry, Kristin.

Okay.

I'm Giannina.
I'll be your server tonight.

- Oh, I love your glasses, Giannina.
- Thank you.

This is for your bag.

Oh, it's so cute.
Little monkey.

All right.

Thank you.

You're not Fabrizio.

And you are not
what I was expecting.

I was told I would be meeting

with the new Balbano
family boss.

Yeah, that's me.

Kristin. The new boss.

Ah.

I apologize for my rudeness.

Oh, no, not at all.

But, you know...

it was...
it was a bit of a shock

to see a beautiful woman.

Stop.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I am Carlo Romano,

the new boss.

Oh, well, there you go.
We're both new bosses,

we have so much in common.

Look at that.

So, what were you thinking?

I was hoping to try gnocchi.

I love gnocchi

and I promised myself
if I ever came to Italy,

I would eat as much
gnocchi as I could.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- I meant the territories.
- Hmm?

Oh, right, yes. Sorry, I...

Okay, Google,

open notes. Um,

so you can take the north and...

part of the east
extending to... Form-i-a?

Formia.

Formia.

Yes.

That's it.

Thank you, Giannina.

She's sweet.

I ordered every gnocchi
on the menu.

Oh, my God,
someone's a good listener.

Prego.

Oh... Well...

Try.

You... You want me
to try it first?

Yeah.

Well, no pressure. Okay.

That is delicious.

This is the best wine
I have ever had in my life.

Salute.

Salute.

Listen, listen, listen.
It's Oreo.

They're two chocolate biscuits
held together...

with cream?

The cream...
The cream is my favorite part.

Uh, listen...

um, about your offer.

Are you sure we have to
stop at Formia? Hmm?

Hmm, well, that's what it says
in my notes.

Of course.

In your notes.

Do you like limoncello?

Oh, I'm more of
a cherry jello person.

Oh. No, no, no. Limoncello.

It is, um,
it is a dessert liquor.

Oh. Oh, no, I don't know it.

We'll have it
in my hotel room. Upstairs.

Hmm?

All clear, boss.

Okay. Well, um,
you guys can wait outside

while we finish our business.

We don't think
this is a good idea.

Would you say that
to a male mob boss? No.

Please! It's been
three long years. Come on.

Thank you. Yes!

Ciao.

Oh, come on. Oh, my God.

Oh, you know what?
I don't think I can hold on.

I've just gotta pee real quick.

I know. I'm sorry.

I'll make it real quick.
Come on. Ah!

All right.

Okay.

Right.

So much better.

There she is.

Oh.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, so sorry, I must take this.

Oh, no, it's fine. It's fine.

- Wait.
- I will.

Let's try this again.

Oh, okay.

Salute.

Oh, Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. If you told me
three days ago

that I would be in a
hotel room in Italy with a

handsome mob boss,

then I would say you are crazy.

But here I am!

Yes. Yes, but not for long.

Oh, don't remind me. I fly
home at the end of the week

and there's still so much
I wanna see.

I wanna go to
the Amalfi coast. Pompei.

The Vaticano!

Too bad you won't see
any of those things.

Oh, no? Why? Because we'll be
too busy making love?

Don Romano does not
make love to dead women.

What?

The poison I put in your drink

should be travelling
to your heart by now.

- Oh, my God.
- Soon,

your lungs will collapse.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. No...

Hey, Aldo!

You are a Balbano.

My uncle k*lled your father.

One day you will come for me
and the rest of my family.

Eventually,
we all seek revenge...

like Vito Corleone.

I never saw The Godfather.

No! It was
The Godfather Part Two!

Okay, okay.

Stupid American woman!

Your family is in chaos.

Soon the Romanos
will be the only...

southern family here...

in... in...

in Lazio.

Are you okay?

Am I okay?

I'm okay.

Oh, my God.

Right.

I switched our glasses
while you were on the phone.

I'm so sorry.

It's just that you poured me
a way bigger portion

and I didn't know if
I was gonna like limoncello.

And I didn't wanna be rude because,

typically I don't
like lemon-flavored things.

I think it's because I took a lot of
lemon-flavored Augmentin when I was a child.

It's an antibiotic
and it's really disgusting.

Oh.

Three years.

- Ooh.
- Ah.

Oh, my God!
What do I do?

What do I do?

Jenny.
Oh, my God, yeah, of course.

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny.
Please, Jenny, please.

Please answer the phone.
Please, please God.

Oh, please answer. Okay.

Sven. Yeah.
[OVER PHONE] Oh.

Okay, think about it.

- Okay, Jenny.
- Yeah. Okay.

Hey, hey.
Find any hot Italian men yet?

Uh, yes. Lorenzo.

- You f*ck him yet?
- Uh, he tried to k*ll me. And...

With his p*nis?

What? No, no, with poison. I...

A poisoned p*nis?

Slow down. Lorenzo did what?

No, no. Not Lorenzo. Carlo.

Wait, who the f*ck is Carlo?

Oh, my God. He is this
super-hot mob boss

who I had dinner with.
But then he tried to poison me.

So, I switched our drinks.

And now he's dead.

Could I go to jail for this?

No. A little poison
switch-a-roo?

It's classic self-defense.

Oh, my God,
I k*lled a Mafia boss.

I am a dead woman.

Everything okay in there?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Ah!

You are terrible
at playing dead.

Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God, it's you.

- Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you so much.
- Kristin, please stop.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Is that a cannoli
in your pocket?

So you f*cked him?
No, he died first.

You missed something.

When he came,
he screamed like a woman.

You... Right.

Um, well, I guess
that might have been fun?

- You took a shower?
- Yes.

I took a shower because it
usually calms me down, but...

I've never seen
a dead body before.

And now I've seen three.
Three!

I mean,
I live a very boring life.

I am such a boring person.
I'm a boring woman.

Seriously, I don't do anything
with my life. I don't go out.

I just do everything
for everybody else.

Those monsters
will stop at nothing

until we're all dead

and they're the only family
in Lazio.

I have an idea.
I think I should go home.

I don't think I belong here.

- Did you not hear me?
- What?

If you leave now,
they will follow you

and they will not stop
until you're dead.

This is good.

How? How is this good?

This will send a message to the
Romanos that our family is strong.

You're the boss. And the boss
takes care of business.

You did good.

What? I m*rder*d someone!

- Brava.
- Brava.

No, no, no, no.

Do not "brava" me. I am bad.
I did a bad thing.

Oh, my God, I just want
my Eat, Pray, Love.

What is he...

Ciao, Carletto.

Bruno!

Mmm.

We have to k*ll those Romanos
before they k*ll us!

And I mean on purpose!

No more accidentally
saving the day!

You could be a little
nicer to me, you know.

I just k*lled someone.

I'm a very good person.
I'm a good mother.

I would do anything for my son.

I do everything for everyone.

Even animals,
I can't even k*ll a bug.

I put it under a little cup,
and I take it outside,

and whisper, "Go. Be free.
Go live your life."

And I imagine them building
a new home and a new life.

How are we supposed to appear
strong when she is...

this?

These Romanos will never
negotiate peace on good terms.

Why are we negotiating at all? Why
don't we just give them what they want?

They want control
over all of our territories.

So, why don't we just
give it to them?

How do you expect us
to make money?

I don't know!

What is it we do, anyway?

Drugs.
Counterfeit bags.

g*ns. Gambling.

Uh, so far I have heard
nothing that is either legal

or moral.

Because... you know,

we are the f*cking Mafia!

You...

Let him go. He just needs
to blow off some steam.

Oh, yeah? So do I.
I am completely overwhelmed!

This is supposed to be
my vacation.

- What are you doing?
- I'm confirming my date

with Lorenzo
because that was the deal.

But we are
in the middle of a w*r.

No. You are
in the middle of a w*r.

I am sick of doing everything
for everybody else!

I'm gonna do something for me.

You cannot be
in public right now.

Oh, I'm not going to be
in public.

I'm going to have dinner
at his place.

He is simple and adorable.

And... I just wanna be
alone with him.

These are my cousins.

I come from
a very conservative family

and they wanna protect...

my virtue.

I guess it will
be a family affair. Please.

Okay. Thank you.

- It's good to see you.
- It's so good to see you.

Hi. Thank you for having us in
your home which is beautiful.

Welcome to my aunt's place. Oh,
my God, it's totally magical.

Yeah.

Who is this? He looks like
such a naughty little hobbit.

- Yeah. It's my uncle, Ernesto.
- Oh.

- He recently died.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yes, we are.
That's why I moved in.

- Oh, I see.
- But I am

naming my own pasta line
this year.

- This is your pasta line?
- It is.

Oh, my God, that is so exciting.

You guys, look at this.
This is his.

Oh, Lord in Heaven,
I have never eaten

homemade pasta before.

Mmm, so good.

You know, it's... it's nice

to be with a woman
who appreciates my cooking.

Yeah. My ex never did.

Ah, she sounds like a monster.

Oh, no. I didn't mean to
bring her up again. Forget it.

No, it's okay. I get it.

I mean, my husband,
my ex-husband

was a total man-child.

I mean, he made everything
about himself.

And his band
and his cheesy lyrics.

That sounds horrible.

I'd convinced myself that

his passion was more important than mine.
Like an idiot.

But even with our son,

divorcing Paul, I swear to God,

it was the best decision
I ever made.

Oh, you have a child?

Yes! Yes, I'll show you.
Here he is.

There. That's Domenick.
He's my baby.

He's a really good kid.

Last bite.

For me?

The most precious. Yes.

Okay.

Oh, your pasta.

It's the greatest thing
I've ever had in my mouth.

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.

Are your cousins okay with this?

Yeah, they're fine.
Just kiss me.

sh*t. No, no, no.

Oh, God, I forgot.

I've got this work Zoom meeting.

Oh, my God. Cousins!

I have to go. Rain check?
I'm sorry. I just...

It's a really
important meeting that I...

I totally forgot about it. Um...

Thank you for having us.
I will call you.

I can't believe this.
Stupid work.

I'm enjoying myself
for the first time in years,

and I have to do this
dumb work Zoom.

Come on. Quit your job.
You are a boss now.

Oh. I can't just quit my job.
People are counting on me.

Hmm.
Ma.

Ma.

Are you okay?

My mother had
another dizzy spell

and she has no more medication
now. Okay. Okay?

She can't afford it. The SSN doesn't
cover these new American drugs.

I know a pharmacist.

We go tomorrow, okay?

No, no, you should go tonight.
Go take care of it tonight.

Yeah, but we must protect you.

- He is right.
- No, family first.

I'm okay. I'll be fine.

Oh, Kristin.

Would you mind to put this

- into the fridge, please?
- Yes, sure.

Come on. So late.

Okay.

Here we go.

Oh.

I can't wear this.
Oh, what am I... Oh, God.

Ugh, right. Uh...

Come on, hurry, quick, quick!

Okay.

Hey, nice of you
to finally join us.

Sorry, the...

the time difference
is a little crazy, so...

So, where are we with Restylane?

Right, yes, okay.
Um, so first:

Restylane makes women feel
great about themselves, right?

So, I was thinking
we open on a woman

alone, drinking some fine wine,

longingly perusing
a travel brochure.

Mmm. I'm not really hearing
anything that pops.

I mean, you know, you gotta grab
them in the first few seconds.

But I just started.

Hey, you know who's
really great at this?

Just riff, give us some of
that Randy magic.

Go ahead and mute her.

All right.

Help me!

And I'm just spitballing,
all right.

But I'm thinking,
woman on a jet-ski?

Aw, that's fresh.

Yeah, but how do we get there?

No! S.O.S.!

We open up on this attractive
but, you know, older woman.

Not too old, right?

Help me!

Oh, my God!
No, no, no, no, no, please.

I'm thinking tight, hot, early forties
type role, you know what I'm saying?

Oh, my God.

You are much more attractive
than your grandfather.

Oh, my God.

No! No, no!

So, you know,
she minding her business,

walking through the desert
like people do.

That's a great
metaphor for a tired woman

with a face
that's so marked by time.

Mmm.

Sit down!

No, no, no. Please don't.

Please don't hurt me.
Please. No, no.

Oh, God, no. No entrata.
Absolutely no entrata. No.

You like salsiccia e friarelli?

No. No sausages. I'm strictly vegetariano.
No, thank you.

Very spicy.

Spicy? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. No!

Please, no. Please don't. No.

No, no, no.
Please don't.

No, no, no.

f*cking belt.

She looks lonely. She looks...

- She looks her age, bro.
- She does.

No woman should look her age.

Crotch! Eye!

Crotch! Eye!

And like a blessing
from the heavens,

the sky opens up
and it starts to rain.

Then she looks down
and she realizes,

"Oh, my God,
I'm on a jet-ski."

Restylane Lyft
gives her a second youth.

Yeah.
A return to life.

I love that pose.

Crotch! Crotch!

Eye! Crotch!

Restylane Kysse plumps her lips.

Crotch! Eye!

Makes them kissable.

Rejuvenated.

You got water, you got wetness.

Whole lot of wetness.

f*ck you!

When was the last time
you saw a thigh gap like that?

f*ck you, Randy!

- Now she's kissable.
- Oh, f*ck you, Wayne!

- Wow.
- Oh, f*ck you, Hank!

And you,
you f*cking creepy pervert!

f*ck you!

And then she just
rides off into the distance.

Soft, youthful...

and wet.

Randy, that was superb.

Okay.

See that, Kristin?

That's how it's done.

Unmute.

Kristin.

Hey, tell me
you heard Randy's pitch.

Oh, Kristin?

Are you drunk?

Oh, man. I really hoped
this day would never come

but I'm gonna have to
let you go.

By the way, you have some
pasta sauce on your face.

You know what?

f*ck you!

Whoa!
That's gratitude for you.

- Highly unnecessary.
- Toxic.

Oh, God.

Hmm?

You left quite a mess
at the villa.

You need to tell us
when things like this happen,

so we don't have to worry

whether or not
you are currently alive.

Oh, fine. So, next time
someone tries to m*rder me,

I'll be sure to let you know.

Grazie.

Now, the Romanos
want to meet today.

Oh, so they can
try to k*ll me again? Huh!

I thought once you'd had sex,
you would calm down a bit.

Hey, I've been here two days

and I've been almost
m*rder*d twice.

That's one per day.

I'm gonna need a lot more sex
to calm me down!

I know a man.

Stop with your cousin, please.

They're prepared
to make some concessions.

We have the upper hand.

They've agreed
to a public meeting.

Fabrizio will be there with you.

I can't be there
because it's only family.

Fine. But I wanna meet
at La Bottega del Gelato

because it has
a five-star rating.

And I never have gelato.
And I have been dying to go!

- But we have...
- That's an order!

Mmm. Mmm!

Look, I am tired of this w*r.

Oh, my gosh,
Tripadvisor does not lie.

My family is tired of this w*r.

It's got to stop.

We couldn't agree more.

You k*lled our boss,
and our best k*ller.

All by yourself.

Does your offer
for Formia stand?

Yes. Absoluto.

So, we are at peace
then, Mammone?

We are at peace...

Donna Balbano.

Oh.

Well, there you go.

Can I get another scoop?

You really impressed me.

Oh, yeah, the meeting

went better
than I thought it would.

Because you terrified them.

Last night
was a true work of art.

You have rage, Kristin.

Wild,

passionate, deep rage.

I like it.

Okay.

You know,
it wasn't just blood on Bruno.

It was mushy, thick.

Bits of his scrotum
were stuffed in his eye socket.

Mmm.

And that's why
they listened to you.

Because he had bits of his
scrotum stuffed in his eye socket?

Maybe.

And that's how
you earned rispetto.

You'll fit
right into this family!

Give me your hand.

What, uh...

Oh, no. Oh, no,
you don't have to.

- Yeah.
- You should... No, no.

Oh, it's too big. I don't...

Mmm.

Yeah, it fits pretty well.

And now...

give me some "grrrr."

Be the leopard!

What, uh...

No, no.

No, no, no.

No fur ball.
No espresso machine.

Just...

This one. This one. This one.

Bye.

Okay. Thank you.

Oh, my God.

What the f*ck?

Are you kidding me?

Oh, God.

Oh, Bianca.

You know, a month ago,

I was feeding the homeless
in Long Beach.

I mean, I help old people
cross the road all the time.

I am a good person.

Of course you are.
You made peace.

Yeah, but at what cost?
I feel like Michael Corleone.

You saw the movie?

No. I read
the Wikipedia summary.

Kristin, the world isn't
black and white.

Your grandfather
took care of my family.

He put my mother through school

- and gave us shelter and food.
- Huh.

And bought me this leg.

I owe him everything.

My point is, just because
you're a Mafia boss,

doesn't mean you have to be
a bad person.

Right. Right.

Wait, what did you say
about your leg?

When I was 13,
a truck hit my Vespa.

Oh, my God!

All the kids made fun of me.

Oh.

But Don Balbano came
to our house with a big box.

And he brought me
a prosthetic leg.

It changed my life.

Wow. I mean, jeez, I...

I didn't even...

Couldn't tell. Looks so real.

Precision Swiss technology.

- Upgraded every five years.
- Huh.

So, Kristin, I'm living proof

that you can do a lot of good
with the power you have.

It's not about losing yourself.

It's about becoming yourself.

But if this isn't
what you want, you can leave.

I can?

You made peace.

You can go home
to your old life.

To the old you.

Oh, no, I don't wanna go back
to that me.

I don't like that one.
No, I don't think so.

Then what do you wanna do?

Well,

we're involved in an
import/export business, right?

Mmm-hmm.

Hmm.

I think I have an idea.

It's a win-win, right?

Because we keep prices low

and we sell medications
to people in Italy

that they can't usually find
at a reasonable rate.

Because it's not just
about profit.

It's about
helping people, right?

I was just thinking.

We've been together
a few months now

and I have never
been to your place.

You're still quite secretive.

I am not secretive.

I'm not. Come here,
I'm gonna take a photo

of us and the Vaticano.

Right. Ready?
Okay.

- Yay.
- Yay.

There. Okay.
And now I am posting it.

Immediately. There.

There we are. Done.

- Okay.
- Mmm-hmm.

Nicky. Oh, my God,

I miss you so much.
It's my son.

Who's the dude?

Uh, he is my pasta teacher.

We're just out
buying double zero flour.

Okay. I gotta go to class.
Um, I love you.

I love you.

Pasta teacher?
Honestly, I just feel like

you're not telling me something.

- Oh, really?
- Don't you trust me?

- Stop it.
- Don't you trust me?

Don't even joke.

You can tell me anything.

I love you.

Oh, my God. Paul?

- Your Paul?
- That Paul?

Get off me! Who the hell
are these guys?

What the hell
are you doing here?

I flew here to find you.
I saw your Insta.

Dammit. I post
one stupid photo.

He's much weaker
than I imagined.

And I imagined
someone very weak.

- Who's Paul?
- I'm her husband!

No...

- You are married?
- No, we are separated.

Look, I can see you're
a pretty handsome guy

and you've been having
some great sex...

Dante, please take him
back to the villa.

- Come on, Paul. Let's go.
- What, what? Let me go.

So he gets to go
to your place, but I can't?

No, it's not like that. No.

You told me you were divorced.

Well, we may as well be.

He's a horrible husband
who cheated on me.

- No. No.
- No, I mean...

It's taken me
so long to trust again.

- And I really care about you.
- No, no.

I... I care about you.
I care about you so much.

Then let's be honest
with each other.

Is there anything else
you are keeping from me?

- Hmm?
- Um...

Oh, my God. Um...

I'm so sorry, I really do
have to go deal with this.

- Okay? I'm sorry.
- Sure, go.

- It's okay.
- I'll see you.

God dammit, Paul.
Just stay back!

I need to pee, please.

- What did you guys do?
- I shut his mouth.

He's very annoying.

I need to pee.
I can't hold it.

Okay. Okay.

Nice and easy.

Actually, Dante, can you grab
some baby oil and Q-tips?

- I think it'll be...
- Ow!

Dammit! I was just
getting over a cold sore.

The cheater does not
deserve your care.

You told these people
about Tracy?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Hey. Hey.

Dammit!

No one talks to her that way.
Show some respect. Huh?

To Kristin?

Ew. Kristin, do something.

Why are you so nice

to this stronzo?

How dare you call me something

I don't even know what it means?

Who the hell are these people?

They are her best
grape squashers.

And I'm the label maker.

Yes. I am a vintner now.

- You make swords?
- Wine, stronzo.

I'm gonna look that word up
as soon as I get outta here.

Why are you even here?

I hadn't heard from you.
I was worried about you.

I miss you.

Okay.

Okay, fine.

After you lost your job,

our joint bank account is empty.

So, I figured, you know,

since I'm your husband,

I should probably come
live with you in the villa.

Oh, my God. It all makes
perfect sense now.

You only came here
to get something else from me!

Go home, Paul.

Actually, you only had enough
points for a one-way ticket.

Pathetic.
He's not worth it.

What did you see in him?

- Just take my card and...
- Kristin, no.

Don't!

- No, you're better than this.
- You're right.

- I should just book it myself.
- No, Kristin.

- That's not what we meant!
- That's worse.

Fine. Fine.

Paul, you're a grown-a*s man!

- Figure it out yourself!
- There you go.

Own your power. Brava.

So, take him to the airport!

You've been stress

grape gathering all night.

Stop worrying
about your imbecile husband.

He'll find his way home.
Or he won't.

No, it's just that, you know,
Paul hurt me so much

over the years
with all the lying.

And I don't wanna do that
to Lorenzo.

But you can't tell Lorenzo
about this part of your life.

I know. I know.

But what if it wasn't
part of my life?

What are you saying?

I'm saying...

I want out.

But the family heads
are meeting today.

I'm not allowed at the table,

but you and Fabrizio
have to be there.

Okay, perfect.

Well, that's where
I'll announce my resignation.

But you can't just leave.

Actually, yes, I can.

You said,
once I made peace, remember?

You believed me.

I knew you wouldn't go back
to your old sad life.

Besides, that was before
you created all this beauty.

The pharmacy business.
Helping people.

I know. I just wanna
give Lorenzo a chance.

So, you're willing
to give up all of this

for a man you barely know?

What? We've been
dating for months!

Have you farted in front of him?

Well, like a tiny little...

He didn't hear it.
But, you know,

he did fart in front of me once.

But, really,

I've made up my mind.

Fine.

I just hope
this is what you want.

Never let a man dictate
who you are or what you can do.

Thank you all

for joining us today.

We called this meeting

to discuss
your pharmaceutical business.

Yes.

Hello, everyone.
I'm Donna Balbano.

And I brought
a little something special

for everybody today.

Ta-da! I made muffins.

I know you may not
wanna eat them

because of the whole
poison thing,

but please remember,
we are at peace.

See? Mmm.

Poison-free muffins.

I just thought
it would be really nice

- to break bread together.
- Kristin!

- My bananas were going bad...
- Enough!

And I needed to use them.

Your business is causing
quite the problem for us.

I deal with
pharmaceuticals, Mammone.

I'm not touching electronics,
or your cars.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

But all of our business

has to pass by the inspectors.

And the inspectors
are on your payroll.

Hey, listen, listen. I could
talk to the inspectors.

I have a great rapport
with them.

The damage is done.
We are losing a lot of money.

You must pay
a percentage of your business.

Actually, now is really
not the best time.

I was hoping we can keep
all this beautiful peace

that we've been enjoying.

You know, I'm alive.
You guys are all alive.

In fact, these muffins
are kind of a parting gift.

I'm planning on
stepping down shortly.

Oh, I'll be leaving you
in very good hands.

Bianca will be taking over

as the new boss
of the Balbano family.

Your secretary?

She is so much more than
a secretary.

You have no idea.

Nice joke.

You think you can
f*ck us all over

and leave?

No.

It doesn't work like that.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Let's all calm down.
I'm not f*cking anybody over.

Lorenzo?
Oh, my God, you're a cop?

Not f*cking us over, eh?

Weapons down, m*therf*ckers!

Aunt Esmeralda?

Oh, my...

Kristin! Kristin!

No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

Kristin. Kristin!

- Let's go!
- Okay.

Stay low.

So, you were just using me
this whole entire time?

My parents were gunned down

by the Mafia
right in front of me!

At my soccer game.
After I missed a goal.

U*i.

I was assigned to this case...

So I'm just a case?

What about your marriage,
and your ex, that's lies?

Mostly.

And who the f*ck is Esmeralda?

You mean Maria? She's my boss.

And who are you?

- I am Rodolfo.
- Rodolfo?

Yes, but you can call me Rudy.

Rudy? I'm not
calling you anything.

Mama!

Oh, my God.
Are you even a pasta maker?

We were gonna run away together.

We were gonna open a restaurant.

I was gonna make the wine,
you were gonna make the food.

I was gonna get fat
and you weren't gonna care.

It was gonna be heaven!

How fat?

All clear!

Get away from me.

Please. No, no, Kristin,
please. Kristin.

No, I am not talking to you.
We are done.

Uh, no, Kristin.

I'm arresting you.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry for this.

Come on.

I...

You...

have a finger in your hair.

Stick it up your a*s!

Ciao.

So...

This is your first trial, right?

- Mmm-hmm.
- Oh, good for you.

Wait. Wait.

Excuse me.
Oh, my God, Jenny!

Kristin.

- Don't say anything.
- Thank you so much.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my goodness. Hey!

Take your hands
off of my client!

Give me that. Give...

What are you, still in diapers?

Bianca called me.

You didn't think I was gonna
let my best friend

rot in an Italian jail, did you?

I saw the Amanda Knox doc. No.

Oh, my God.
How did they get out of jail?

Not enough evidence
to charge them.

Right. And what about Bianca?
Where is she?

It's better for you
if she's not here.

Okay, got it.

- That Lorenzo?
- Yeah.

Hi.

d*ck!

Such a good echo.

What a d*ck!

Signora Giudice,

today I will show that
Ms. Balbano has taken over

the criminal enterprise
of her grandfather,

Giuseppe Balbano.

Madame Judge,

Signora Giudice,

I will show you that my client
simply came to Italy

to pay her respects and found

that she had
inherited a vineyard.

Now, was my client
seen in a room

filled with questionable people?

Sure. But only to tell them
that she wanted no part of it.

Giannina,

could you tell us your
dealings with the I ndagato.

Well, everyone else
calls me "waitress,"

cameriera,

but she calls me by my name.

She likes my bonsai tree.

She tells us
we are her best vintners.

She makes us feel appreciated.

So, we repay our gratitude
by being her bodyguards.

We go with her at the meeting

because they want to hurt

sweet woman.

They are very, very,
very bad guys.

Look what they did
to the poor Dante.

How long was this
undercover operation of yours?

Well, I've been investigating
Giuseppe Balbano for years.

When I met the Indagato,

she'd just landed in Italy
for the funeral...

And when did you start having

sexual relations with my client?

I ask the questions here!

And when did you start

having sexual relations
with the Indagato?

About...

one day after.

But she was asking for it.

Okay. I mean, not...
I mean, not asking.

But she said this trip
was her "Eat, Pray, f*ck."

The book is Eat, Pray, Love.

You took advantage of
an innocent winemaker

and sullied
a literary masterpiece.

You gross.

I came to this country

at a time in my life

where I
completely doubted myself.

Then when I arrived here,

I discovered that
I had inherited a vineyard.

It was shriveling

and dying...

much like me.

So, I nurtured it.

And I came to realize

that I inherited so much more
than a vineyard.

I inherited an opportunity
to fulfil my purpose.

So...

I inherited me.

Thank you.

I don't need to hear
anything anymore.

I've made my decision.

No grounds to proceed.

He's gonna give me a ride home.

Bravo!

Kristin?

Kristin, wait, wait,
wait, wait...

Congratulations.

Well, I just wanted you
to know that it wasn't all lies.

I really did
fall in love with you.

And I still love you.

I thought I was listening
to my heart.

But it turns out

I was just using another man
to validate me.

And for the first time
in my life...

I honestly don't give a sh*t.

Oh, my God. Dante. Dante.

Oh, my God,
those g*dd*mn Romanos.

Oh, he's losing a lot of blood.

Here, I've got this thing.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
We need to get him some help.

Oh, God, who is this?

It's Bianca.
She's in the winery.

Oh, my God,
she's been shot, too.

Uh, uh, okay, you stay with
Dante and I'll go to Bianca.

Wait, wait, wait.

Just in case.

Bianca?

What? Nicky.

Bianca is dead.

Mom.

I knew you'd come back

if your precious
Bianca texted you.

Drop the g*n.

And kick it to me.

Good girl.

What are you guys doing here?

You can
thank your husband for this.

He lured your son here to...

something about guilting you

into taking him back.

Look, I was worried
about you, Mom.

Oh, honey.
Honey.

What do you want?

Are you serious?

I want to be the head
of the Balbano family!

I told everyone I'm leaving.

And leaving it all
to f*cking Bianca!

Hey!

Really, Paul? You're just
gonna waddle out of here

and leave our son sitting there?

Whoa, whoa!

No!

Don't you dare touch my kid!

Mom, look out.

I've been shot. It burns.

You have terrible taste in men.

No sh*t.

Paul, untie our son

- and get the hell outta here!
- Untie me.

Babe, this knot is impossible.

Hold on.

- Paul. Here, take this.
- Yeah? Okay.

Keep it pointed at him, okay?

Yeah, it's heavy.

There. Oh, my God.
Are you okay?

Yeah. Are you?

Oh, God, I'm so happy
to see you.

- I've missed you so much.
- How are you?

Hey, hey,
I loosened the knot, right?

You're a baby.

I'm not a baby, you're a baby.

You're a big, fat, podgy baby.

You're a big, stupid,
blonde baby.

You're a baby with big poop
in your diaper.

- Mom!
- Don't move!

Oh, my God,
Bianca, you're alive!

Of course I am.

No, no, no...

Fabrizio is a terrible shot.

Wait, wait, wait.

I saw you die.

You saw me take a b*llet
like a woman.

But there is a f*cking
major artery right there.

Wrong leg, idiot.

High tension steel.
It's f*cking cool, man.

I did have to re-adjust it.

That's why it took me
so long. Sorry.

Oh, honey,
I'm just glad you're okay.

Grazie, amore.

I'm hit again.

Dad, come on.

Bianca,
take care of my kid, okay?

Make a break for the door.

I'll cover. Now!

Come on, Nicky.

Come on. Come on.

Go, go.

- Help me, Nicky.
- Come on.

Drop it.

You think you can just
come here and take over?

This is mine! All of it!

I earned it!

Uh, you didn't earn anything.

I'm the one
who had to come over here

and clean your mess up.

Oh, please.

Oh, yeah.
I am the one who made this

awful wine f*cking delicious.

Yeah, me. This.

I have done more for this family

in the last three months

than you have your entire life.

And yet you feel entitled
to be the boss?

Oh, my God. Uh...

Oops. Are you, uh...

I guess
it's a little rusty, huh?

I should get this fixed.

Help me!

Please. Please, cousin.

Say it.

What?

Say I'm the boss.

Never!

Then, as the boss,
I'm gonna have to let you go.

I've always wanted to say that.

You can't do it, can you?

Hey. Hey, stop! No!

No!

Okay. Introducing
the newest Balbano rose.

It's called Little Pinky.

Salute.
Salute.

Whoo-hoo!

That is crisp.

You know, this Balbano wine's

gonna get me
into some serious trouble.

Blackout Jenny is coming.

All right, all right, sweetie,
you should get going.

Heard you got shot.

Yeah, I got shot, too.

- I got, like, five stitches.
- Oh.

How about you?

Twenty-seven stitches.

And they left the b*llet
in my spleen.

- You wanna touch it?
- No. Put it away.

Oh.

- I wanna touch it.
- Mmm.

Now, come. Show me around.

You know, I never realized
what a badass you are.

You know, neither did I.

Domenick, there's something
I need to tell you.

Your father and I
are getting a divorce.

Are you okay?
I know it's a lot to take in.

I was just held hostage...

at gunpoint.

Divorce is fine. Yeah.

Come here.
I hate saying goodbye to you.

I'm gonna miss you.

Yeah, but I'll see you
next week, Mom.

Uh, yeah.

- Love you.
- Actually, um...

I've been
thinking about it, and...

- I'm gonna stay here.
- Seriously?

Yeah. Balbano Wine's
really taking off.

And for the first time
in my life,

I'm doing exactly
what I wanna do.

Yeah, but are you sure
it's safe here?

Aren't there a lot of people
who, like, wanna hurt you?

No, that's not a problem
any more.

Hey, Mammone.

"Don't f*ck with me
or you're next."

Fabrizio.

But you're not like,

you know...

in the Mafia, right?

I make wine. That's all.

- A vintner?
- Yeah.

I wanna stay here

- and be a vintner with you.
- No.

Call me.

Mr. and Mrs. Martelli for you.

Grazie, Donna Balbano.

Oh, sh*t.

Uh, Nicky. Wait, wait, wait.

I made you some trail mix
for the flight.

And don't forget
to put on your sweater, okay.

It gets chilly on the plane.

- I love you.
- You, too.