08x06 - Jed Buys Central Park

[bunniefuu]

come and listen to him a story about a

man named Jed or a mountaineer barely

kept his family's head and then one day

he was sh**ting at some food and up to

the ground from a bubble and crude oil

that is black gold Texas Tea well the

first thing you know old Jeb's a

millionaire the Kim folks said can't

move away from there said California is

a place you ought to be sold it loaded

up the truck in the mood of Beverly

Hills that is swimming pools movie stars

The Beverly Hillbillies

foreign

[Music]

now hold still Ellie we want this

wedding dress to fit just so

if you ask me it fits like the skin on

an onion now did anybody ask you

hello

well then mind your pants

oh I'm sorry darling I'm afraid my eyes

ain't what they used to be for clothes

work

we better step over to Dorothy Palmer

for the fine Fitness

[Music]

where do you think you're going we're

going fishing with hair Leslie your

future son-in-law is fetching his family

over here to meet us and you're going

fishing oh I'll be back in plenty of

time he said he couldn't get here till

the middle of the afternoon

you run along honey I'll be with you in

a minute see you soon

kid we have got to put on the dog for

the groom's family and you show up

looking like a sharecropper and smelling

like a Captain Phil might want to call a

wedding off

well they couldn't do that could they

not me he might want to but

I've got that room nailed down like an

oak plank we were sitting right there at

that table when he said to me

I'd be proud and honored to be the man

who marries her

I think you got him kneeled down granny

I'll be over to Dorothy Palmer's help

him with Ellie's wedding dress shorty

[Music]

well here we are son

here we are where

is this no way USA

it's supposed to be a fair going on

hundreds of yokos with their pockets

bulging I got a hospital enough scratch

to get back to the Big Town hey the Ugg

Beyond

now share this in New York I was joking

without a city we're Sharon runs a

hotelier shorty kellums oh where are the

people my friend I mean the suckers the

rooms what happened to the fair hey

around here but it's raining in Eureka

Springs

thanks for the weather report what am I

going to do I got to turn the fast

but I can't hear I got your same trouble

can't hear too good Michelle

never would have known

can you take me back to the train no no

rain here just in Eureka Springs

the freight train I got off uh never

mind

where are you going now home to a farm

gotta hit your proud old Betsy and work

yourself 40.

foreign

that's a lot of work for one horse

especially for my wife

[Music]

well the price is right if I had the 50

cents

[Music]

and keeper in keeper

[Music]

yeah let's have some service

[Applause]

[Music]

you woke me up out of a sound sleep fine

now if you just managed to wake the rest

of the time

my name is

prefer to be president of Shaffer

Enterprises Incorporated

my God

now I want when do you find Israel

Southern Exposure king-sized bed

orthopedic mattress walk-in closets let

me see your television you better

mentioned television yes

television is that large color bathtub

and shower and sun lamp of course

arrested send the waiter up with a wine

list and menu this is that boy

ah here you are son now I want you to

take my luggage up to the presidential

speed yeah that is a nice gesture

employing Boy Scouts now I know you're

not supposed to accept tips my son but

at the end of my stay I'll speak to your

troop leader and recommend you for a

marriage bad

now you remind me we need a Boy Scout

she's a girl

at the end of my stay here I'll buy a

box of your cookies I am not a Girl

Scout this happens to be the uniform of

a bird watcher oh excellent remind me to

buy some eggs

I do not sell eggs

I am a secretary sir I told you mister I

don't have any empty room

I don't believe you heard the name

correctly

the New York shaper but that name opens

doors at the Ritz in Paris the

Dorchester in London the palazzio in

Rome apparently you come from a family

of Dorman

thanks

for me tell me my idea are you open for

a secretarial position I may be take it

press the luggage don't just stand there

move it move it the light is

sister I told you I Ain't Got No Vacancy

well then inject someone create a

vacancy for the new owner who's that

yours truly I purchased the Hotel this

morning that's funny I don't remember

selling it

oh it blocks you does it yes sir I had

you confused with the fandom Loom which

we bought this morning in Miami I buy so

many hotels well we'll close the deal

after I've rested and practically you've

advised the luggage there

hey you know something shorty pretty

girls with scarce's hands teeth and Bug

tussle I've been waiting in front of

that General Store for Premier look my

anemic friend supposed to take up your

romantic problems with Dear Abby right

now we're discussing business

bird lady the luggage upstairs that

slides to hear your New York loudmouth

hey mister is you from New York yes now

about my accommodation how would you

want to meet somebody from New York now

we're shaking his hand with the hands

you're crushing it continue on New

Yorker from New York City

how do you make it let go

thank you you're hurting the shitty

fellas hey

sorry always wanted to go to New York

hey tell me about it later

why don't you wait in the woods

get it yourself I have seen some noisy

birds but none to compare with the

vulgar throated Brown tufted Manhattan

oh

I ain't got no empty room for this fella

you don't by any chance happen to have a

larger bird's nest preferably one with

running water but you can see in my room

if you don't mind sleeping too external

because you had me fix watching home how

could you add me I'll even sleep in the

Attic you'll take me to New York with

you I'll forget it

New York's Where I Belong I'm a big city

fell at heart

don't play with the front

I'm not like the rest of my family these

bunch of hicks and Roots I'm smart I got

a sixth grade education well remind me

to send you a thumb and I'll blow away

but wait what is it

you won't even have to pay my way to New

York my uncle Jed's got 85 million

dollars it's fine I'll send up a flare

dog gone it

what was that you just said dog got it

go ahead of that you don't have to pay

my way

between that and dog god well Uncle

Jed's got 85 million dollars

Gladys

I mean this isn't the Silver Dollar City

funny Farmers oh no his uncle Jade he's

got more millions and you can shake a

stick

the luggage to the room boy stand up a

menu and a large stick

ah tell me more about your family well

besides Uncle Jay had these granny and

Ellie ah beautiful people I'm sure you

gonna take me to New York with your

science and to take the entire family

[Music]

dog hot diggity dog just think of that

do you want to come over there

mommy look you must teach me more of

those funny expressions

ah now that dear boy how do I find the

lake where your uncle Jen is fishing oh

you just go down there to the corner and

turn to the right that's all the

direction I need oh yeah

and then we'll do it now how would I

recognize your uncle oh that's easy

he'll be sitting in a boat with Harold

Ensley

okay how will I recognize him you can't

miss him he's the only other fella in

the boat

are you sure you graduated in the sixth

grade

out of New York

congratulations my dear I'm sure you'll

make a lovely bride

the bride it's her oh I see it's your

sister's getting married tell me are you

older or younger than this lovely girl

I must be several uh

40.

find your own Christmas for me nice to

meet you Mr Schaefer

come on sis

[Music]

Chad Clampett who's that calling you Jed

it sure ain't a bass they don't know me

today

I want to talk to you there he goes

again maybe we better drift in and see

what he wants

oh shorty if you thought Ellie was

pretty this morning you should have seen

her after Dorothy Palmer took a few

tucks in her wedding dress

oh like she went porn into it

you know I give that match you a run for

his money if I had a few years younger

and a few feet taller hey Granny shorty

how did you make sure you see lighter

too

where's your family they'll be along

pretty soon the children were visiting

their grandmother so I left a note for

my wife to bring them later

here who my wife

did he say his wife did you say your

wife yes

again

didn't you say In This Very hotel and on

that very same spot that you would be

proud to marry my granddaughter Ellie

Mae Clampett yes ma'am

and he say yes ma'am did you say yes

ma'am yes sir

yes sir you said yes ma'am and how in

blue blazes can you marry Ellie me when

you've done got a wife and kids I marry

people all the time I thought you knew

I'm a preacher

granny

did he say

he said I did

he did granny

um

I wish she was a few years younger and a

few feet taller and a few feet wider so

did I get married early no so you

control this person out of the window

ready

[Music]

want to hear something funny a city

fella come down to the lake and talk to

me he wants us all to move to New York

let's go that's what I told him I said

granny would never

wouldn't you say I said let's go

what about Ellie's wedding it's all

Matthew's done Mary Mary

I know what he said he married people

all the time he's a preacher

[Music]

well it won't be Dale Verna said let's

get away from here as far as we can and

as quick as we did

oh you are my friends oh I just heard

you the special news but don't you worry

lovely lady another young man will ask

for your hand no I done chose you I

ain't surprised I keep forgetting Mr

Clampett with your permission I would

like to track this would be groomed to

his lair and pressure within an inch of

his life oh no I see let bygones be

bygone big guy sweat a wise bit of

philosophy while Homespun

humanitarianism the ark will appreciate

a man of your wisdom and understanding

well we ain't decided to go

John

is there a lot of nice young single

fellas in New York that Ellie could meet

dear lady the streets of Niagara bombed

with single men searching for wives and

so honest and forthright are these

friends that they wear hats to indicate

their eligibility

consequently the Indians name the city

city of man with head on which has

typically been shortened to Manhattan

that's the town for us

granny I here tell New York is nothing

but uh cement and tall building we kind

of cut into the Open Country well it

just so happened arrived in the middle

of Manhattan there is a paradise of Open

Fields Meadows trees Brooks and lakes

known as

Central Park

and I'm willing to sell it to you at a

sacrifice along she didn't

left to me by my late lamented Uncle Sam

Central

time we can live there Ellie can get a

husband and we can raise some taters and

corn and run a few cows and Hogs and

goats

very fulfillment of my uncle's dream he

took it to his grave unfortunately I am

not a man of the soil myself well did me

we'll Farm it well we did I reckon

wouldn't do any harm look at it we can

be on a plane within the hour

well just give me time to tell Ellie man

get through to get back Face Pack and so

am I I reckon I'd best get busy your

package

honest jobs

if you look out the windows you will see

the Magnificent city of New York spread

out below you and that beautiful parcel

of green trees and Fields and lakes in

the middle is the choice parcel of real

estate which I'm willing to sell to you

it's such a sacrifice Central defied

it just as pretty as you said it was Mr

Shaffer Honest John hey that was left to

you by your uncle Honest John yes yes

dear lady my uncle on my mother's side

the late great

Sam Central

looked like none of it's been clouded

clean burns the land Mr clamper the way

they wanted to touch is someone like

yourself a man of the soil

sure will be good to work some land

again

they wouldn't let us do no farming in

Beverly Hill fools short-sighted

bureaucrats don't they realize that

digging in the Good Earth and bringing

forth the suspense they're from

nourishes not only the body but the mind

and soul as well you know you've got a

fine way with words

thank you you ever thought of being a

man of the claw frankly no I had a

cousin who was a tailor but never be

Ableton

see ya

safer that's lovely jail

by any Critters in Central Park oh

they're uh

Phyllis

wow garments like possums and raccoons

and foxes oh no no nothing like that my

dear nothing wild to frighten you

but I like them oh yes oh there's plenty

of those but then a while 15.

you ain't forgetting what you said

there's lots of young single fellas in

New York looking for a bride I have no

fear with your beauty and charm you'll

have proposals by the desert

I told you I ain't the one looking for a

husband it's my granddaughter

oh forgive me my beer my mind refuses to

accept the fact that you're a

grandmother but my eyes tell me that

you're a seductive love goddess oh come

on now let's hear the truth all right

you're a Dietrich

oh you don't have to get mean about it

it's complimented you my dear

can I see it for a minute Mr Schaefer

yeah I'm here

do you know any girls in New York any

horse girls some of the causes

excuse me we'll be landing shortly when

you see that the young man fastens his

seat belts oh an excellent idea have you

any other restraining devices

come on advice just check the rest of

the one

oh boy what a rotten ride

what do they call you a jackass

thanks to you I'm gonna be the only

passenger flying to Beverly Hills

standing up

[Music]

well Shawty

it almost k*lled me and it cost me fifty

thousand dollars but I bought the bank

of bug tussle and now in the clappers

deposit their money

I've got it oh good for you you only

need banks in New York no why because

that's where there's heading for

there you are Travis yeah City Feller

sold him a place called Central Park and

there's only way to see it your

secretary left a message here for a

shootout bird washing as you guys do

where can he be

Gan I'm a fella

yes he used to ride in ejacation

[Music]

black hat black boots black belt bad

news for the bad guys Walker Texas

Ranger weeknights at six on the Hallmark

Channel a crime of passion

a random clue

a new detective

Kelly one is a mystery woman a bookstore

owner who reads between the lines the

Hallmark Channel mystery movie Mystery

Woman Friday night at nine