07x26 - Collard Greens an' Fatback

[bunniefuu]

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oil that is black gold Texas Tea well

the first thing you know old Jeb's a

millionaire the Kim folks said gent move

away from there said California is a

place you ought to be so deluded up the

truck in the mood to Beverly Hills that

is swimming pools movie stars The

Beverly Hillbillies

foreign

there is only one smelled beats

Magnolias and Honeysuckle and that is

your collard greens and fatback play our

dance spring wouldn't be spring unless I

walked up a good big pot of collards

inside these

you got Wildland engineer just like back

home I hope you're going to have plenty

of corn bread to crumble in the pot

liquor oh you betcha that reminds me I

better go Stir It Up will you guard my

pot for me well sure but it ain't likely

any Critter would bother boiling green

there's one that will and he's been

sitting up in the tree for the last

three hours waiting for me to go into

the house so he can swoop down sound

like a buzzard you're close it's the ten

toed black tufted vinyl Snatcher

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here's your water granny oh thank you

darling just pour it in the pot

come on now from there Jethro can't hear

you Uncle Jed

I got chores for you I didn't hear that

neither

well I got a trick that'll get him down

real good go to it

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okay let's have a sociable this evening

like we used to have back home in the

Hills when I cook my spring collards but

I did granny I'll invite some neighbors

in back home we didn't have to invite

them that's the truth especially the

ones that live downwind

he bounced right back up twice

don't look like he's hurt

ah he's fine

he done to me yeah he tricked you out of

the tree some trick she throwed me 40

feet on my head

well

you can fill in the hole later

right now we got to get ready for the

spring Eaton Festival hot dog I'm

cooking four bushels of greens a pack of

wild onions and 20 pounds of fat fat

we're hoping some neighbors will drop in

neighbors that ain't hardly enough for

me I mean us ready you reckon I could

have a little help in the homie to

supper all right boy go fetch a plate

here just feel this

there is living proof that the moon

ain't made of cheese if it was Jethro

would be there that'd be a heapless moon

of that surgery anything else I can do

maybe Ellie can convince it right in the

neighbors she can start with the

Drysdale I don't hardly think they need

an invite their house is down with

besides of Mr drives are likely at the

bank by now

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are you serious you're letting Mrs

Drysdale sell the house a prospective

buyers coming this morning to look it

over would you live right next door to

the club but I can't picture you're ever

leaving well I promise Margaret if she'd

stick it out for seven years I better

sell the house and I am a man of my word

well congratulations you've got Newfound

courage you've got self-confidence and

maturity thanks

I've also got an option to buy the house

on the other side of the Clampetts

in the same spot

not exactly the new house is 25 feet

closer

you've done the thing twice about this

your wife just might leave you

gee I hadn't thought of that

no I don't want to dream The Impossible

Dream yes

oh hello Margaret Milton darling I

hesitate to bother you you've been so

sweet about selling the house

the problem

well our prospective buyer is a

celebrity doubtless the man of

fastidious taste and I'm afraid when I

show him around he's going to be

nauseated well that's simple just don't

talk so much

I was referring to the fact that Granny

is cooking some witch's brew alcohol

ing this way

maybe the wind will change before the

buyer gets there don't worry about it

and oh Margaret you get upset with me at

times but

you wouldn't ever leave me would you

um if I may ask who is the prospective

buyer the famous entertainer Pat Boone

I'm marvelous you know well not

personally of course but I understand is

a perfectly Charming Man tremendously

talented and yet modest and unassuming

sure to fine human beings as well as a

great artist never mind that I want to

know about the important virtues they

got money where does he Bank

has it ever occurred to you have you

ever entertained the thought that there

just might be something in this world

more important than money of course I

not only entertain the thought I

mentioned it to my father

I said Dad

there must be something in this world

more important than money

that's when I grew the mustache

why I must have to hide the scar

you hit me right in the mouth

you got in that kettle what does it

smell like oh no there's no chicken in

it

malodorous setted and stultifying

you ain't even close it's College onions

granny I have a favor to ask you a very

important gentleman is coming to my home

and if he smells this odor I know what

you're gonna ask honey just fetch him

over there ain't nothing like a mess of

greens come spring how much longer will

you be cooking this mess

oh it ought to Shimmer all day

could I possibly persuade you to take it

off the fire no can't wait huh all right

let's over a place I'll fetch over the

smog control officials who the people in

charge of air pollution

well if there's friends of yours I'll

feed them only I don't hold to the way

they are polluting our air

excuse

I'll be back with the police

and the fire department well now if

you're gonna bring them leave the air

polluters home

I can't feed the whole city

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welcome I heard you drive up I'm Mrs

guys Dale and I know you're going to

adore my lovely home you come right in

Mr Boone I'm Mr Boone's manager Mr

Tucker Oh couldn't he come this is Mr

boo I got him back from a fishing trip

to look at your house how do you do Mr

Boone oh how do you do may I ask where

that unusual odor is coming from

Oda

oh you must mean the Exotic orchid

fertilizer my next door neighbor is an

orchidist really

uh the first day of spring we have this

uh unusual odor for a few hours and from

then on it's just Heavenly fragrant

please do hurry right here

doctor go ahead I'm gonna find out who's

cooking those collards and fat back is

that what that order really is man that

odor's perfume to me I haven't smelled

anything that wonderful since I left

Nashville

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greens collard greens good old collard

greens corn bread

[Music]

where did you come from to know that

song Nashville Tennessee man Tennessee

yeah and I haven't smelled anything that

good since I left Tennessee oh yeah poor

boy what you been eating oh steak mainly

Lobster prime rib shrimp

well I reckon when you get hungry enough

you can eat anything

what's your name son that boom man my

friend emotion I reckon you've heard

about me aren't you an orchidist oh no

get me we sing hymns with the methodists

and the Baptists but mostly we're golden

rulers

I thought maybe you'd heard about my

doctors

you're a doctor

probably the most famous beachwick bug

Castle in Springfield Springfield

did you ever know Red Foley

did I know Red Foley he never missed the

spring that he didn't come to our house

for college and fatback

that's great how long you been here in

California seven years

when did you leave Tennessee

oh 15 years ago what you been doing all

that time

singing mainly oh

no steady work huh

who's this young fella his name is Pat

Boone Chad smell my college cook and

then come a running oh glad to have you

son where are you from Tennessee

five doggies I've known Granny's colors

to put him in from a long way off but

this is a new record she was in the

neighborhood when he smelled him I

figured as much granny uh excuse me

would you like to stir oh I'd love to

dr*fter Chad I've told 15 years ago and

ain't had a steady job since

they've had a decent meal neither poor

boy let's offered to take him in maybe

we can help him get work good

it's and uh we gotta find big house here

with plenty of room we'd be pleased to

have you stay with us

I sure do thank you but I've got a place

to stay now don't be proud Pat sleeping

in Freight yards can be dangerous I

promise you I'm not sleeping in Freight

yards well then uh how about dropping

around about Sundown and having some

colors and fat back with us now that I

would purely love you like cornbread and

pot liquor there's a possum like

Persimmons we gotta find some uh granny

going to make a few for tonight with

sweet potatoes oh now you're making me

homesick well see you tonight listen how

can I thank you folks you got a guitar

sure good catching along this evening

and you can sing for your supper oh you

plant sing do you that's how I've been

making my living

well as long as you enjoy it money and

everything

uh speaking of money I reckon you could

use a little

oh no no thanks I'll be all right oh

don't be bashful I've been broke myself

I know what it's like

oh you're early Mr policeman we ain't

gonna be eating until sundown

you can't build an open fire in Beverly

Hills ah sure you can all you need is

seasoned wood

I don't know what I mean

wait a minute aren't you Pat Boone oh uh

well well sure you are I've got your

latest record the boy's got a record is

he

sure a bunch of them haven't you seen

his pictures no we don't get down to the

post office much

please don't arrest him Mr policeman

he's a good boy he just fell on Hard

Times

I'll watch for that is this really on

the level they don't know who you are uh

that's right Officer and uh I'd like to

keep it that way couldn't you parole

them to us we'll help him how about if

we give up singing and playing and takes

an honest job

I'm just going to go along quietly with

the officer will we see tonight oh I'll

be here nothing can stop me

I hope they don't lock him up Chad I

reckon it goes hard on you once you got

a record hit him with his picture in the

post office

well we look after him

yes he's right here it's a club for you

Chief oh

Mr Clapper what can I do for you well

first off we'd like to invite you and

Miss Gene to come by this evening for

collard greens and fatback

oh wonderful wonderful as we'd love it

what's flat back it's back back

oh

what's that bags meat

oh yeah yes Mr clown but I was just

explaining if it's Hathaway what fatback

was that's good today good we're going

to have a little entertainment too A Boy

by the name of Pat Boone

like boom I know you never heard of him

he's from back in our part of the

country he happened to smell granny

Scholars are cooking and he come and

running

oh he likes college does he he's just

crazy about him we all been hitting it

off real good

we'll find we'll be looking for you bye

oh this is beautiful Pat Boone met the

clappers and loves them and the Granny's

vittles really yes he's a collared

addict now he'll give me anything from

my house I'll call Margaret and tell her

to raise the price to a quarter of a

million

yeah

why give her the pleasure this is the

kind of thing I do so well blocking a

pigeon

hello Mr Tucker I'm sure you'll agree

that this is a delightful home and well

worth two hundred thousand well of

course that will be up to Mr Boone uh

where is she by the way uh he went next

door oh no

uh Mr Tucker I'm going to give you the

opportunity to be a big hero in the eyes

of your clients let's say one hundred

thousand I'm sure Mr Blue will be

pleased to hear that why did he go next

door to investigate that order

yeah they would have to fertilize their

orchids today

50 000. Mr Boone didn't think it was

orchid fertilizer he thought someone was

cooking collard greens in the Fatback

the 25 000. I'll throw in all the

furniture of Mrs Rosedale 10. I'm here

[Music]

we're free I've sold the house oh

Margaret you should have waited for me I

could have got a

you you got a million dollars look again

Dia don't tell me you sold this place

for a hundred thousand no look again

oh no anyway yelling free free oh we

take a little loss it's worth it to get

away from Granny's via concussions boom

would have paid a quarter of a million

for this house not after he smelled that

vile hillbilly Brew he loves it he's a

hillbilly himself you just blew 240

thousand dollars

if you wish to continue this

conversation please lower your voice

is this

can you hear me yes a smile

how is this

what do you wish to say

I'm going to strangle you

come on everybody bring your collar time

I thought you was guarding my Kettle

that ten-toed riddles natural gobble up

everything it's all right granny he's

upstairs he's getting changed to his

agent's clothes how come well I asked

him to see could he give this Pat Boone

a leg up in the show business oh that's

nice if you hope the boy can sing now

don't you worry Jed all us Tennessee

folks are born with the gift of Music

they used to call me the Songbird of the

Smokies

oh granny he just loves your biscuits

and sorghum Ellie honey a bear makes a

poor chaperone Mr booney lovely get the

idea that we don't trust him with you

there he is quick hide the bear granny

you don't quick hide a 500 pound bear

Ellie Fairchild

Oh They'll be delayed they're having a

little Contra toss

well they had no to eat before they come

let them eat Jim Drysdale and Jethro

there won't be enough for the moon boy

yeah he'd love to be hungry they don't

feed him too good in jail are you by any

chance referring to Pat Boone you know

him do you well not personally but I've

seen his pictures and you know he got a

record he has many records yeah that's

what the policeman said when he took

them away I still see you in a bad boy

he just got Roman feet I wonder if he's

had a kin to Daniel Boone

well as a matter of fact Pat Boone is a

direct descendant of Daniel Boone there

you are granny the boy come by it on us

old Daniel sure had wandering Wade

is it possible you don't know the Pat

Boone is famous I reckon he is with his

pick Jerry in every post office and his

record in every police station dead

granny

oh hi Miss gank no problem folks is

commencing together out by the cement

Pond come on let's go what about that

bear well granny peace candy Daniel

Boone he won't be scared of no bear the

girls right granny come on let's go

tuck these folks think I'm just sort of

a singing hobo and I like it that way

you mean you're gonna sing for nothing

don't worry you're gonna get your ten

percent of my collards and fat back some

deal he's speaking of deals did you tell

Drysdale we're not going to hold him to

that ten thousand dollar price I'll tell

him when he gets here he'll worry let

him I read the fine print on that

agreement with the interest he charges

he could still get 200 000 for that

house

there you are feet rubber singing Bandit

I ought to call the police it's crazy

whatever mistakes a boy has made he's

promised to turn over a new Leaf we all

pitch in and help him maybe he can make

us as a singer no then get me out of

this thing immediately how did you get

out of the basement never mind untie

this straight jacket and that damn the

idea Miss guys Dale keeps you from

making a pig out of yourself I wonder

could we get one of them for Jethro

everybody get yourself a plate and line

up in front of the kids quick as we get

through eating Mr Pat Boone is going to

play and sing for us

every time I see that Greyhound

bus go rolling down the line

makes me wish I'd talk much more to you

when we had all that time

but still it's only wishing and I know

it's nothing more so I'm never going

back

never going back

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Oklahoma City yes I know that won't

treat me cruel

then the Colorado

never

made me feel like such a fool

these are only cities but their cities

without you so I'm never going back no

I'm never going back

Never Going Back part of Nashville

foreign

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[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

anymore

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you and Nashville Seen the Last of Me

honey

I made going down to Chattanooga

walk up there on Lookout Mountain take a

look

but I ain't going to see you

I may come on into Fayetteville

Shelbyville

maybe even big

drop off in Madison

but I ain't Crossing that Davidson

County Line

no more

[Music]

what do you think Jethro you gonna

handle him oh he needs too much work on

Legit you have to change his name his

style is singing his old images it just

ain't worth it

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[Applause]

[Music]

thank you

so now it's time to say goodbye to Jed

and all his kin they would like to thank

you folks for kindly dropping in you're

all invited back next week to this

locality to have a heap and helping of

their Hospitality

hillbilly that is set a spell take your

shoes off y'all come back now dear

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