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06x20 - Topless Anyone?

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies". Aired: September 1962 to March 1971.*
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The Clampetts move to Beverly Hills after striking oil in the Ozarks,

06x20 - Topless Anyone?

Post by bunniefuu »

listen to the story about a man named

Jed a poor Mountaineer barely kept his

family fed and then one day he was

sh**ting at some food

all that is black gold Texas Tea

while the first thing you know old Jeb's

a millionaire the Kim folk said can't

move away from there said California is

the place you ought to be sold and

loaded up the truck in the mood to

Beverly Hills that is swimming pools

movie stars a Beverly hillbilly

hahaha

this is Beverly Hills California

[Music]

movie stars Millionaires and the Jet Set

flying partially within Beverly Hills is

Los Angeles's restaurant roll more than

a mile of fabulous eating places

mealtime mecca for the world's most

glamorous appetites close by this repair

another restaurant has recently opened

making its bid for culinary stardom the

happy gizzard

the happy gizzard

s is ready

don't blow your food granny he's out

trying to scare up some business you

couldn't scare anybody into this place

with a bracelet shotgun Mr graziel said

it takes a little while for a restaurant

to get popular popular I just wish you'd

get his first customer shouldn't be too

much longer now he's been open a week

maybe you should have set him up for

some other kind of business Jade

of course maybe I shouldn't have asked

him just before meal time well I'm sure

tired of cooking up a couple of tons of

stuff on this menu and having no

customers to eat it honey is lunch ready

yep sit down that's a good thing about

having a restaurant you get to eat out a

lot

soup of the day or yesterday 20 gallons

of catfish and apricot gumbo yeah

all right you find out why

so exciting I can't even wait to finish

eating to tell you what is it I said I

can't wait to finish it I can't wait

till I get started I can't start talking

all right you see I've been driving

around checking out the other

restaurants and the ones with the people

lined up outside is all advertising the

same thing what is it topless waitress

[Music]

wait I mean you don't know no me neither

you do don't you Uncle Jim nope

well if that don't sound like a bunch of

Back Country Apple knockers talking

they've been here in Beverly Hills all

this time and you ain't even

sophisticated enough to know what a

topless waitress is well Mr hot shop man

around town what are they

well I ain't sure none of the places

have let me in

now quit that Ellie

I figured I was a competition

it's a good thing I got an education

sophistication and savory Berry to

figure it out all right what's

accomplish waitress there's only one

thing it could be does anybody knows

it's been around as much as me

that all them waitresses wears them

silly little hats by the way I got it

figured all the waiters they'll work in

these topless places don't wear anything

on their heads or Nets or nothing

because they look better

see even Italy looks almost pretty you

can hardly wait to get over and tell Mr

Drysdale ain't even going to take the

time

you think we ought to give this topless

there's a try Jane as well don't tell

them what city folks like I sure can't

lose him

all right I think we're ready to receive

our potential new deposited now welcome

beloved Mr and Mrs vanderporn I wish you

would start thinking about Jethro and

forget the vanderblast for a moment

forget a possible 20 million dollar

account is no clap of Fortune but it's

not exactly petty cash either

trying to make a goal of that

dilapidated Diner you saddled him with

don't blame me he wanted a business of

his own all I did was give it to him oh

you you gave him the business all right

after what you've done I don't know how

you managed to get to sleep at night now

recent I count money the difference

between renting that diner for Jethro at

35 a month or buying a restaurant for

two hundred thousand dollars like Mr

Craftsman

good on Mr Drysdale part of some go

old and hard

Mrs Vander Park

hope they're here

[Music]

they're not here yet you mean I I just

blew two dollars with a rose petals I

must talk to you about Jethro you'll

have to wait I have other fish to fry

and here they are now Mr Mrs vanderpart

come in come in you lovely people

I'll get right to the point we are

looking for a financial institution

whose client tale is of the very high

social caliber leaders of society

aristocracy

Etc you have found champagne Countess

Hathaway

[Music]

tops we wanted speaking to only the best

people this didn't like for you oh I

wish you could meet some of our

distinguished depositors I've heard that

from Uncle Jay ain't here well I do yeah

yeah I just got here I knew you'd want

to hear the good news a restaurant the

happy gizzard is going topless

I know why y'all are staring forgot to

introduce myself my name is Jethro

Bodine father did you have the biggest

depositor in the bank ain't you Mr

Drysdale

you certainly do have an exclusive

clientele there can't be many more in

Beverly Hills like that

well thank you I didn't get your name

she would like to have you stop by my

restaurant sometime yeah

sure he says it's all the same to him if

the waitresses don't care

[Music]

you you'd better talk to Mr dry ice now

I better come back later but he ain't

feeling well yes he probably is a little

sick now but he must have a Thunderclap

with a headache but he's got ice pack on

his head

20 million dollar account gone a topless

restaurant on my hand

this could drive a man to philanthropy

I just thought of a new dish that might

bring customers in here I'll take my owl

Burgers add a little pickle Rudy Bakers

and call them Rudy burgers

foreign

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

know his type spouse and all that love

poetry

excuse granny Mister she's kind of

excited about tonight uh can I offer you

some refreshments on the house oh all

right I'll have some Jala

and we ain't got none of that but how

about a cup of coffee instead

let's forget it huh I gotta be going

anyways it's just that I saw a blondie

there with that sign

um tell me is this really a topless

place it will be tonight

oh great I gotta make the midnight run

to Fresno how about saving me that stool

for around 11 o'clock huh all right and

before that time we'll find a job it'll

cook for you well it's not food I'm

interested in it as much as the service

The Waitresses if you get what I mean I

sure do and you're in at 11. granny has

a duty

[Music]

all right

we're all pitching in to help my nephew

he's having a little trouble making a go

of this place that's the reason we're

trying to topless waitress let me give

you a little tip you'd better have

somebody ready to replace Grandma there

we do

good she gets tired I'm taking over

[Music]

lots of luck and I'm sure courage can do

it you've got it made otherwise you're

in big trouble

what do you care out of here like that

first I don't know we said he had a

midnight run to Fresno could be he wants

to get his legs warmed up

[Music]

it was that Rascal trying to get out of

here without paying his bill his truck

partner k*lled me oh these young Mr dry

Zale about the topless oh yeah yeah he

got so excited he got a log splitter of

a headache oh just kind of good news

I'll give you some medicine to take over

to him

jail myself but I can't leave my post

yet what are you giving me some of my

Sure Fire headache remedy that is

rheumatized medicine corn squeezing hell

if you're drinking off it'll stop your

headache

what prescription

[Music]

My Dear Mr Mrs vanderford you can't know

how happy I am that you you've

reconsidered how could we refuse when

you threw yourself right in front of our

car in the middle of Sunset Boulevard

well actually that was one of my clerks

but it was my hand that pushed him

really but he's being rewarded I'm

letting him go home early tonight

in any case I suppose we should meet Mr

clap at your largest the ball that her

before we eliminate your bank is a

possibility oh thank you oh do let me

take care of your money for you I'll

treat it as my very own

I'll take it out every day and play with

it we'll take long walks together I'll

be more than just his Banker I'll be its

path

you must pay your love for money borders

on the psychotic

for the merchant

ment

ah have dinner with me tonight before

you make a decision all right you

release my wrist you're bending my

bracelet

then we can meet Mr Clampett well I

think he might be in Europe but I'll

take my word for it he's not like his

nephew because Jethro's a bit

all that in greeting Royal view

but Mr clamp these every inch of

multimillionaire all broad-shouldered

silver-haired with just the trace of an

accident

Heidi I bring you a headache remedy

something I've got to mention Jeb

private is also a world famous physician

eccentric but a fantastically brilliant

box must talk to him I've been to a

hundred Specialists seeking a cure for

my migraines how are you Mr Drysdale I

hear you feeling lower in a world

Digger's heal oh how good of you to

comment all the way from Europe but I'm

feeling wonderful now oh well good then

I won't bother to leave this headache

remedy oh I want you to meet Mr Mrs

vanderpart oh honey

how are you doing

how are you well now that you are I

could look pain right here and I haven't

been sleeping well and my liver is not

what it should be then too I've only

been bothered with migraines well it's a

pleasure to know you so well so soon

well as long as Mr Drysdale doesn't need

it do you mind if I take along your

headache remedy well I don't know about

that oh thank you

to drive sales

well I ate a doctor

be sure and follow directions

[Music]

topless business thanks Miss Jane now

you'll tell Ellie right away won't you

oh I'll tell her as soon as I can she

ought to be ready to hear it in about

three or four years why did he

understand how come my giant brain come

up with the wrong end that's all right

darling even computers make mistakes

too Thomas Edison goofed a few times

before he invented the airplane

Thomas Edison made the first light bulb

see that's what I mean about goofing

imagine coming up with a light bulb when

he's trying for a airplane

but now we would think of a new way to

make the happy gizzards a success for

example I I definitely feel we should

change the name you're right it ought to

be something that makes you hungry the

minute you

hear about the The Boiled mule I'm so

happy because it isn't bad but one of

the problems is the food we serve what

really just though was referring to the

menu after all Beverly Hills is a very

cosmopolitical City and look at this

Southern Fried muskrat stuffed groundhog

that's right Miss Jay you see him and

send me this side well you can get

beetles like that in almost any

restaurant in town but my place needs is

something different like uh making a

French like hey I'm serving fancy French

food like french fry and tacos and Chop

Suey do some research first oh

well good and remember romanovs wasn't

built in the game

thanks granny for not being mad at me

for that stopless waitress notion

[Music]

you ain't laughing granny

[Music]

you use that funny clang kind of think

like no

I reckon I better skedaddle back to the

restaurant now I'm sure everything will

be all right

too bad about Jethro he was all

look at the grand opening tonight I wish

there was something I could do

there is you can bring the misses and

come over the restaurant oh that's

impossible Marcus in Boston and besides

I'm taking the vanderparts to dinner

tonight it means a big new account for

the bank well I understand uh I gotta do

that brown huh yeah yes sir oh bring him

alone

k*ll him with kindness put on a big

spread Mr clapping you don't mean no

trouble the place ain't exactly swamp

with customers you know I can't abandon

are consider it a big favor on my

account if you would your account yes

don't raise the engine the Ezra will be

pleasured no win now don't disappoint us

Granny's cooking up something special

yeah my Goose

[Music]

okay everybody get ready Mr driver's

limousine just pulled in now remember

okay you promised to let me handle this

all by myself I'll read our back you

holler if you need me I know what to do

yeah exactly every movie I've seen at a

French restaurant

[Music]

is very important Mr drives to you I

want him short of evening they won't

forget don't worry that Mrs vanderbond

is crazy about yours truly just find him

here it'll be a big

you ready

I've decided I ain't gonna be no man

come on granny you'll be here any minute

all French restaurants has got many

chefs I told you I'd do the cooking and

I did wearing a mustache is something

else besides is getting all soggy fell

into the soup table twice already

[Music]

introduce you

how do you like my accent it's atrocious

[Music]

see they ain't wearing none you dumb old

girl

[Music]

don't get this

what is the name please

that's amazing how do you spell that

night m-u-g wait wait there it is the

best table in the house

let go of me

just my hand on your arm done it to you

huh you with me

I'm brought fun to you too but enough of

this flattery I want you to make the

shell that's responsible for the pastry

things in store for you did not

tonight

it is my pleasure to present the

greatest French cook in the whole world

tap the air

Chef Pierre

what's that you're good on your lip a

mustache what happened to the one that I

give you I told you it was all soup dope

the dog Outback snatched it out of her

hands

looks like part of a vegetable brush

I got a whole meal cook for them folks

and they're not let them out of here for

what he is hey wait you can't leave here

and Granny's been cooking all afternoon

take a look at the menu I'm playing for

you well this is wise but for gone

pomegranate hey Suzette we want to try

it Granny's an excellent cooker well I

am

[Music]

for God and follow God it's grits and

hog jump

really you said you was gonna cook

French food this is better I ain't

serving company seems like nails and

frog legs I'm getting out of here sit

down early me I'm having seconds

Lord how many times have I told you

never to talk in public too many now

what's your faith

folks

Jen Newton we live so far back in the

Hills the son said Patrick's our place

in town are you supposed to be leaders

of society yeah once I got Filthy Rich

with uranium early May started to

talking fancy getting high tone notion I

think you had done it was putting on her

first pair of shoes

[Music]

[Music]

the better punch sure had me fooled a

couple of Hill folks like us they ain't

here folks they lived in the Gulf granny

don't be such a snob oh shucks I don't

care I was just glad that Jeffrey got

some paying customers at least now he's

in the restaurant business

hey guess what I'm out of the restaurant

business what are you talking about yeah

Mr vanderboard made me offer on a happy

gizzard said he always wanted to meet

plays like mine how much thousand

dollars if granny does the cook 100 if

she don't I hope I know what you

answered him now there's only one thing

the boy could have said that's right you

better get stompered Granny just late

for work

[Music]

foreign

they would like to thank you folks for

kindly dropping in you're all invited

back next week to this locality to have

a heap and helping of their Hospitality

hillbilly that is

status Bill take your shoes off I'll

come back now dear this has been a

film-wise presentation Viacom

[Music]