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06x11 - Jethro's Military Career

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies". Aired: September 1962 to March 1971.*
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The Clampetts move to Beverly Hills after striking oil in the Ozarks,

06x11 - Jethro's Military Career

Post by bunniefuu »

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oil that is black gold Texas Tea well

the first thing you know old Jeb's a

millionaire the Kim folk said Jed move

away from there said California is a

place you ought to be so deluded up the

truck in the mood to Beverly Hills that

is swimming pools movie stars The

Beverly Hillbillies

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oh

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really

hey can I borrow your seal

I gotta practice being a Navy frog man

I thought you was going in the island

yeah me too

but I'm tired of waiting for them to

call me so I'm joining the Navy

well what does a coward man do what a

toad man a frog man there's a frog man

dude

mostly what you call underwater

demolition

blowing up stuff what would you want

with rhyme I want to see if I can learn

him to fetch Dynamite down to me

in his mouth

his mouth oh no my mom ain't coming now

Dynamite come on wait a minute Ellie how

about you be an enemy Sentry well what

do I have to do well

you walk guard Duty along the dock here

then I reach out of the water grab your

pulley in and drown you that's a frogman

surprise attack now watch

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girl

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okay

don't scare me like that

I wish you would drop this jar we

declared them bushes on the fly without

the stuff is mean when it's green Paul

says you wasn't to make no more

moonshine moonshine this is my flu serum

he's expecting an epidemic you know and

it's my duty as a doctor to be ready

let's cure the flu

well

it's more what you call a body

conditioner if your body can handle this

you can handle anything

you're Mike and Madison what do you have

to hide like this

child ain't you never hear an industrial

Esplanade like one of the biggest

outfits in the world has been trying to

find this setup been trying for years

who's that the U.S government

to make a series of quality control

tests first shotgun test gotta see what

kind of flavor it's got why do you call

it a shotgun piss granny you gotta hold

a shotgun on me to make me taste it I

don't want to do that Granny

I got to honey I ain't as young as I

used to be I remember it's for science

[Music]

that's what you call real Sip and

whistle did you say whiskey

you sip this at your own risk

I see this is just the base I ain't put

in my secret ingredients yet I'll go

fetch it oh you want me to do it for you

Granny no no honey it's a secret you go

take my wash off the line oh I already

done that it's in the basket on the step

well thank you honey

[Music]

go outside

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Dan Get Your g*n there's a monster in

the cement Pond monster great big black

slimy looking thing must be eight or ten

foot long probably just Ellie's pet see

you you seals eat all women were reached

up out of the water and grabbed me give

me whoever heard of an underwater race

bigger than a gator must be 12 foot long

have one great big bulging eye right in

the center of his forehead big Roots

growing out of his mouth

ugly growth on his back might be 15 feet

long match is growing pretty fast you've

seen them have you why not if you have

now sit down and tell me exactly what

happened well

I was coming from the steel you were

coming from where the hill I heard you

the first time now granny I told you not

to make another batch of that moonshine

I ate it it's my shoe flew Brew

to head off the flu epidemic it's a

Vegetable Compound made out of natural

juices of corn and certain neutral

Spirits he has nothing neutral about

them Spirits

now you probably got your nose wet too

let me swear your breath not while

you're smoking

I thought so oh Jen as a medical

researcher I'm duly bound to test the

stuff

might have side effects it is enough of

that you roll over on your side and stay

there come on granny we're going down

and dump that stuff

do you want the people of Beverly Hills

to be laid low no I don't so let's go

you've got myself medicine back a

hundred years next you'll be stomping

out penicillin okay it's a good thing

Lydia Pinkham didn't have a son-in-law

like you that flu brew has got you

seeing monsters

kid I was only joking

can't a body tease you about a little

old 15-foot monster without you getting

all upset now did you see it or didn't

you oh forget it I declare you are worse

than a snapping turtle you'd bite it

anything

that's the Mayo Clinic tell him I ain't

quite ready yet

the traffic speaker

Mr monster

are you in there was you for real

or did I just run off a bad batch

I guess I tested it too soon

green stuff plays tricks on you

[Music]

I think

tomorrow

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what happened to you I got pulled into

the cement Pond and parked near Round

who did it that he's a monster

hate him singing Jed every time I do

throw out the lifeline he grabs me

this time he pulled me under he's a sea

serpent right out of the river Stitch I

hope he never gets in the river back

home he could share break up a baptizing

you don't believe I've seen them do you

of course I do enough of that liquid

cornbread of yours and you can see pink

sea serpenter I tell you that's my

wonder drug it sure is it's got you

wondering what drug you're in

he's coming after me who is the Creature

from the Seaman pond

braided but quiet the way A Hymn sets

him off a prayer will drive him into a

frenzy hey I believe that's Jethro

inside that thing he had my baby

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make him spit you out boy

that ain't no monster here's the boys

wearing some kind of a suit sure had you

going though didn't I granny you mean it

was you who grabbed my power and pulled

me into

yeah this outfit's got an air tank

flippers mask weights if it ain't got

wings I think you're in trouble

[Music]

foreign

he's laying out in the corn patch in his

toad Man suit that's what oh he said

he's going to join the Navy and be a cow

man

where is he gonna be a frog man he's

gonna be a dead man if he scares me up

bless you Granny you've been changing

some dry clothes granny I'll look after

Jethro come on granny I'll help you

you're catching a cold I hope it turns

into the flu I got a cure for that

yet

I hope the Navy never hears about this

odd men don't go around hanging up their

Granny's Bloomers y'all go around

yanking their granny in a pond neither

well I got to wash all hung up now I'm

going back to my training how come you

didn't pick this uh frog man work well

what I really wanted to be was a

submarine Commander but the Surplus

Store didn't have no submarine

what's this sudden hanker and to be

underwater well I read where there's

more food in the Ocean than was ever

grown on dry land well in a few years

that's where all our bills is coming

from well when that happens I was going

to know my way around the kitchen

well that explains it

what'd you aiming to do I am going to

destroy an enemy underwater installation

are you aiming to do it I got a

demolition charge set at the bottom of

the pond all I got to do is connect it

and set it off I mean they're kind of

dangerous underwater yeah I am a frog

man up here I think like a man but

underwater I think like a frog that'll

be a help

laughs

a question about it Daisy who is coming

down with the flu but for the sake of

humanity you have got to be a human

guinea pig to see if your fruit serum

Works

hope it ain't too green what damage the

chances us medical researchers has got

to take them

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laughs

oh yeah that is mellowed down real nice

when he comes down I gotta have a long

talk with that boy

across the cloud but I understand I'm

sure Mr Drysdale I want to rush right up

and have a talk with Jethro it's a

miracle it wasn't hurt well what broke

his fall

oh his head

all right bye

hahaha

excuse me Chief Miss Hathaway I told you

never to disturb me when I'm reading

super Banker

with all due respect Chief I think my

news is slightly more important than a

comic book

comic book

this happens to be great inspiring

literature

the story of Harold Hart

in everyday life a mild-mannered bank

president

but when our economy is in danger he

slips into his vault and emerges as

money man a great American hero faster

than a foreclosure stronger than an

armored car

able to LEAP the national debts with a

single bound I know all about your

cartoon creases

look up in the sky it's a m*ssile it's a

green tornado it's money man you don't

like it because of his secretary Dora

dance she is so dumb that she doesn't

know her boss the mild-mannered bank

president is really money man the

benefactor who secretly paid for her

nose job

it is pure dribble she doesn't even know

the office messenger is Money Man

sidekick Golden Boy if you don't mind I

have an Urgent Message from Mr Clement

imagine being able to turn into pure 24

karat gold

let's just move did you clap it why

didn't you say so what is it it seems

that Jethro is trying to become a Navy

frog man what's wrong with that well so

far he's almost round ground he knocked

himself unconscious with his air tank

and blown himself out of the swimming

pool

papa wants us to help get Jethro

interested in something else this is a

job for money man

what are you talking about I'm taking

him a bunch of these super Banker books

she's an exciting episode where money

man is locked into Mortal Kombat with

his arch whole tax man

Jethro has a sixth grade education he

won't read these he's too intelligence

we're looking for a nose job Dora all

right seriously if you think comic books

will help divert the boy let's give him

something really thrilling what could be

more thrilling than trying to outwit the

Internal Revenue Service come along file

managed Bank president that's mild minor

instead of a secretary who's all brass

to begin with

hey Jethro let's get all in their comic

books Mr Drysdale Miss day invest them

over to me

come on man what's left of it's out back

you can make it into slingshots well

aren't you gonna do no more underwater

Dynamite no sir no

she knows

do you hear it too oh I did I think you

got a head full of water

then maybe can have them underwater

diddles I'm going to the move and then

what's her that's what fur that whole

planet is covered with nothing but these

are beautiful moon maidens how do you

know

would they print it in the comic book if

it weren't true I want to be the first

man to land on that rascal

well hi I'm to get diet I'm gonna be one

of them great big space Rockets

I remember it's a great deal I need to

pay for anything just Roni

oh It's Only Money

steady super Banker like I say it I

don't want the government paying for

Jethro's military training when they is

in debt and I got so much you're a real

Patriot Mr Claude well thank you now I

have heard him mentioned he wants a

submarine

submarine

this will bring him around

thanks I needed that Mr Clement I have

an idea that can solve all our problems

we'll get Jethro in the reserve reserved

yes they'll give them tests to determine

how he can best serve his country well

that's what we want all right but uh how

does he go about joining get in we will

go down to reserve headquarters and talk

to them well and we're going to take

Jethro with us oh no no he'll be better

off right here okay I'll get me a

trailer come by and pick it up right

away thank you goodbye

it ain't Charlie

guess what granny I'm gonna get me a

rocket go to the Moon you'll pull me in

the pot one more

one more put you there without a rocket

all through with that underwater stuff

man don't live by bills alone

Moon maidens here I go

good

[Music]

oh my general where'd you get this one

same place I got the tank you better

unhook that rocket cause granny wants

you to tone her flu medicine down to the

Red Cross I ain't no deliberate boy I'm

an astronaut I've got a history to make

you tell Red Cross to come here and pick

it up well gradio Tiger Switch to you

well it better be a long one cause I'm

gonna be on the move

a place for me acres and Acres of green

cheese swarming with beautiful women he

twist the neck in and the snacking I'm

gonna be real busy when are you coming

back who's coming back well you better I

thought before you go attacking off King

Of The Moon don't have to ask

first I'm fixing to aim this Rascal at

the Moon

that's usually between the elm and the

Sikkim

loan for win

gotta leader a little

oh that ought to do it

let's commence the countdown let's see

the mouse's hands is on Ten and three

ten minutes to three I know that what

you gotta watch is a mouse's tail that's

the second hand

it goes up to the 12.

they are zero minus 60 seconds and

counting time to put all my astronaut

suit and a load my rocket fuels where is

the rocket fuel

oh man a plum forgot to buy anything dog

gone

you know as long as you ain't going to

the Moon you can go to the Red Cross

come on I'll help you load greatest

Barrel anytime I ain't getting in no

tank without distilled Dynamite

yes it's Madison I don't care what she

calls it one jolt messed up a bone me

higher than

a done found my rocket fuel

[Music]

what's that thing

this here is a life jacket in case I

land in the Sea of Tranquility

zero minus 10 seconds in count Moon

rocket to Earth crew all systems go

prepare to commence the ignition what

does that mean light the fuse

I'll send her a package of cheese

zero minus five seconds and counting

clear the area for Blast Off

dispatch is as good as the last

[Music]

Eat Your Heart Out Jack Daniels

so far the origin of the manned rocket

which streaked across other California

skies and plunged into the ocean near

Point Magoo remains a complete mystery

the Navy the Air Force and the Army all

deny any knowledge of hold on ladies and

gentlemen we switch you now to our news

helicopter where our cameras are

recording the dramatic air to see Rescue

of the Rocket's mysterious pilot in just

a few moments we will know his identity

is he from outer space is he ours is he

theirs

he's mine I want first practice that

medicine though too granny the boy's

going in the research where she's going

in the woodshed

a pilot has been pulled aboard the

rescue helicopter and we will now hear

his first words come in Navy helicopter

hey we're all a moon Maiden

ah granny could Mr Drysdale have a shot

of your flu serum

you feeling poorly Mr dry step oh no no

I I feel wonderful wait until you see

this super Banker what is it a bill for

that rocket

make that a double granny look he's

turning into money man he's getting all

green

[Music]

well now it's time to say goodbye to Jed

and all his kin they would like to thank

you folks for kindly dropping in you're

all invited back next week to this

locality to have a heap and helping of

their Hospitality

hillbilly that is

set his Bell take your shoes off y'all

come back now here

this has been a film waste presentation

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