01x09 - Bromantically Challenged

[bunniefuu]

- ♪

- And, of course, as starting
quarterback, Bella Dawson.

- What, what!

Sorry, it's
just still so exciting.

- Anyway, so that's our
starting lineup for next week.

Newt, you are not starting.

- Who did that?

- All right, one more thing.

Last week's game ball.

Normally we award this

to the most outstanding player
of the game.

But last week, we had
two outstanding players.

I'm awarding the game ball
to both Sawyer and Troy.

- My wide receivers.

What! What!

Promise, last time.

- You guys, uh,
cool with sharing?

- Of course, my good man.

Indubitably.

Care for a spot of tea?

- Oh, wonderful.

- I knew I never should have
turned you guys

onto "Downton Abbey."

Dawson, a word.

- Coach, I know
what this is about.

And, yes, I promise to keep
my "What! What!" under control.

Well, that's not why
I brought you in here,

but I appreciate that.

Yeah, look, Dawson, when you
first joined the team,

I wanted you to learn the game.

Now that you've done that, it's
time you learn

the other part of being
a quarterback--leadership.

- You can count on me, coach.

- Good.

Because leadership is much more
than throwing touchdown passes.

You gotta guys keep these guys
on their workouts

and practice schedules, make
sure they stay out of trouble,

go to class, wash my car.

- Wash your car?

- All a part
of being quarterback.

But the most important thing
a leader does...

is keep the team together
at all costs.

You gotta keep an eye out
for a potential problems.

Little things can turn
into big things

if you don't nip them
in the bud.

- Coach, I was captain
of the cheer squad.

Problem solving was like
the job description.

One time, Taylor and Madison
were arguing over

whether we should yell

"Hustle!" or "Dynamite!"

And I made them turn
their feelings into--

- Oh, that's great.
Girl power.

- Congratulations
on the game ball, guys.

Maybe someday when I'm a starter
I'll get one of those, too.

"Yeah, buddy, it'll happen."

- Oh, yeah, right.
- Oh, yeah.

- Wow, thanks, guys.

- All right, so what do you
think about storing

our game ball in my basement?

I know a nice spot right between
the photo of me fist bumping

Obama and the computer
I used to fake that photo.

- That's an interesting idea.

But I need something to throw at
my rooster in the morning

when I wanna sleep in.

Rooster's don't
have snooze buttons.

- Why don't you guys leave it
somewhere you'll both see it

every day?

- Above the urinals
in the bathroom?

- Oh, good call.

- Oh, man.

- No, dummies.

The locker room.

- That could work, too.

- I mean, I guess.

- ♪

♪ You won't find me
in the bleachers ♪

- ♪ Yeah, that girl
is one of us ♪

- ♪ I'm made
of spice and sugar ♪

- ♪ She's pretty
and pretty tough ♪

- ♪ And add a little glitter ♪

- ♪ The yard's
in a cloud of dust ♪

- ♪ And you got, you got ♪

- ♪ A game changer,
a player maker ♪

♪ Take the ball,
she'll see it there ♪

- ♪ I'm on a dream like team
like living ♪

♪ Like one of the boys ♪

- ♪ She got it going, going ♪

♪ She got it going on ♪

- ♪ I'm gonna play like,
Friday night, kick it ♪

♪ Like one of the boys ♪

- ♪ She got it going, going ♪

♪ She got it going on ♪

- ♪ One of, one of the boys ♪♪

- ♪

- It's weird.

You not being a part of
the cheer squad this year.

It feels like the end of an era.

- Well, you may not have me
for the bake sale,

but you do have...
my snicker doodles!

Doodles, doodles, doodles!

This bake sale is
gonna be awesome.

You'll make enough money to pay
for the whole cheer retreat.

I'll help you
get started right now.

- Hey, that's a dollar.

- Mm, this is so awesome.

You need to buy
like four of these.

- Bella owes one dollar.

- Excuse me.

- Or maybe not,
she did make them.

- Excuse me, how much
are these cookies?

- This is a good cause,
and we need the money.

- Make up your mind.

I'm trying to buy
something here.

- I wanna buy something, too.

Your silence.

- How mean.

- Can you believe that guy?

I am not mean.

Am I?

- No.

That guy is rude.

Telling me to make up my mind.

I have no problem
making up my mind.

Or do I?

- No way.

Yo, which one of you cheapstakes
wants to buy a sugar cookie?

- So, coach, if I keep drinking
these and put on


grow 8 to 10 inches in a month,

you think I could be a starter
for the Bulldogs?

You ever considered ping pong?

You certainly have
the bone structure.

Oh, I mean I--

- Oh, look,
the bake sale's starting.

Snickerdoodles here I come.

- Good to see everybody's

following
their workout schedule.

If anyone has any questions,

I took the weight-room
orientation class.

- Hey, Bella,
you wanna spot me?

- QB at your service.

- Uh, all right,
I gotta warn you.

This is the get psyched
portion of my workout so--

Ow!

Cardboard bruise.

- Troy, I might be awhile.

This machine will probably
wear out before my arms do.

- Ah, no worries.

It'll give the Troy more time to
practice my post-game interview.

I wanna come off
as humble yet extraordinary.

- Yeah, 'cause nothing says
humble like putting

a "the" in front of your name.

- This coming from a guy who
wears a five-pound belt buckle.

We get it, you're from Texas.

We all are.

- Do they always
argue like this?

- Well, they've always been
competitive,

but things have gotten personal.

- I--I guess it makes sense.

Troy and Sawyer are both
playing the same position.

And they both wanna be
the number-one receiver.

I wonder if this is
gonna be an issue.

You're a real funny guy, Troy.

Funny smellin'.

- I think you're
smelling my butt,

because you're so slow,
you're always behind me.

- So your butt smells?

- Yeah.

Wait.

You know what I mean.

- Whoa, guys, can we please
just agree

that everybody's butt smells?

Now let's get back
to getting buff!

- Okay.

I'm gonna do some sit-ups.

I think I'll do about 500.

- Wait, yeah,
well, I'm gonna 501.

- Oh, man, this is
gonna be an issue.

I've gotta do
something about this.

- Bella, help.

- Oops, sorry, Newt.

- You saved my life.

But hurt my pride.

- On the other hand, if you
want sweet and salty,

I'd go with
the salted caramel brownies.

- Great, I'll have those.

- Then again...if you just want
something salty, oh,

I'd go to the vending machine
and get some barbeque chips.

- Ooh, barbeque
does sound good.

Thanks.

- No problem.

What?

She just wanted some chips.

- Pepper, you just
lost us a sale.

You keep giving customers 30
choices, including the option

to not buy anything at all.

You're completely indecisive.

- Well, you're mean.

You made that one girl cry.

- She was trying
to pay with pennies.

- She was six.

- Oh my gosh, I am mean.

- You are.

And I kinda think I might
be indecisive, maybe.

- No wonder we haven't
been selling anything.

- We can't handle this
at all without Bella.

I need a brownie.

Or a lemon square.

These flavors do not blend well.

- No, we can handle
this on our own.

We just have to
change our approach.

From now on, I'll be nice
and you'll be--

- Mm, there's so many
different things I could be.

A doctor, a lawyer.

The president.

- Pepper.

- Decisive.

I will be decisive.

- Hey, guys.

Thanks for coming.

So I was thinking maybe we could
do some team-bonding exercises

I used when I was cheer captain.

- Okay, fine.
- That's weird.

- Okay, Newt's gonna help
demonstrate the first exercise.

This is a trust fall.

Before you fall, tell me one
fear that you want to let go of.

I'm afraid of trust falls.

I feel so alive.

- All right.

Sawyer, you go first.

Troy, you catch him.

Sawyer, what's your fear?

- I'm afraid of the goat man.

- Yeah, I don't know
what the goat man is,

but we're not doing that.

- I don't know, goat man
sounds pretty scary to me.

- Newt, focus.

- All right, Sawyer, why don't
you talk about another fear?

Maybe something team related,
like--just a thought--

what y'all been
arguing about all week.

- Arguing?

We haven't been arguing?

We're just kidding around.

- Yeah, Bella, we're bros.

It's what we do.

- Come on, guys, I think it's
pretty obvious

what's going on here.

You're sharing the same position
now, and you both wanna be

the number-one receiver.

- Why would I be
afraid of that?

I've mean a great wide receiver
for years,

and I've got the game ball
to prove it.

- Uh, half the game ball.

And don't forget, I wasn't
even a wide receiver

at the start of the season.

And I already caught up to you.

Next week, I'm gonna have
that game ball all to myself.

Deal with it, Huggins.

- Well, what if I don't
wanna deal with it?

- Hey, hey, can't we just
go back to the trust falls?

I'm afraid this isn't working.

- I'm okay.

- Okay, uh...let's try another
technique I used

when I was cheer captain.

Express yourself in the form
of an "I feel" statement.

- Fine.

I feel Troy's a jerk, and I feel
sick of him always

having to be the best.

- And I feel like somebody's
a big baby,

just like
at peewee sleepaway camp.

Sawyer pee-weed all up
in his sleeping bag.

- At least I didn't cry myself
to sleep every night

like Teary Troy the Blumper Boy.

- Use "I feel" statements.

- Fine, I feel like
my fist belongs in your face.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, I feel like
my foot belongs

somewhere it's not polite
to talk about.

- I feel like I'm gonna puke.

- Argh!

- Guys, stop!

You're teammates,
stop it, break it up!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Break it up!

Troy, Sawyer, get
in my office now!

- But, coach--

- I don't wanna hear it!

- What are you
gonna do to them?

- I'm suspending
them from the team.

- Does anyone have an extra
toothbrush in their locker?

- ♪

- Coach, let me explain.

It was a misunderstanding.

- I know what I saw.

This is a no-fight zone.

- Come on, coach, they were
working out a thing,

and it got a little out of hand.

But they were over it
by the time you came in.

Right, guys?

- Uh, yeah.

I'm totally over it, coach.

- I was over it even
before he was over it.

- Oh, yeah, well, I feel--

- Anyway...coach,
you put me in charge.

So why don't you trust me
on this and let me lead?

Also I can wash your
car for you later.

- Well, I mean, it would be
a shame to suspend

my two best receivers
for a little--

- Thing that will
never happen again.

I personally guarantee it.

Trust me.

Show 'em.

Hug it out.

See?

Okay, that's enough.

- Get out, get out.

Get out, before
I change my mind.

Dawson?

It's the white SUV.

It has a bumper sticker
"I brake for snickerdoodles."

- That was close.

But at least I got you
guys out of that mess.

Now let's work this out.

- Look, I've already
worked it out.

If you don't make me the
number-one receiver tomorrow,

I quit.

- And if you don't make me
the number-one receiver,

then I quit.

- What?

I--I can't choose between you.

- Come on, Newt, we're
going to the Starcade.

- No, Newt, come with me.

We'll play video
games at my house.

- Newt, you're
coming with me, right?

No, he's
coming with me.

- Newt!

- Newt!

- Oh, no, I already
have divorced parents.

I can't have divorced
best friends.

Who's gonna
get my on Christmas?

- Oh, whatever, Newt.

- Look, this isn't ideal, but
don't worry, I'm gonna fix this

just like I did
at cheerleading camp.

- No offense, Bella, but
this isn't cheerleading.

You can't just wave some pompoms
around and then abra-caba-sho-ba

and everything's fine.

- Look, you have no idea
what I dealt with on cheer.

How's this for a problem?

Seven teenage girls
and one Katy Perry ticket.

I solved that, and only
one girl got stitches.

Look, you can barely
even see the scar.

The point is, I can handle this.

- I hope you're right.

I don't have anything
left to barf.

Maybe I do!

- ♪

- Right, I can do this.

I'm nice.

Hey, welcome to the bake sale.

Buy a cupcake.

They're pretty sweet,
just like...

you.

- Mm, what do you
think I should get?

- A brownie.

- I don't know,
I'm kinda feeling--

- I've decided.

You'll have a brownie.

- No, but I think maybe--

- That'll be one dollar.

- I gotta get to class.

- I didn't hear the bell ring.

- Yeah, neither did I.

- I don't get it.

We're being the opposite of
ourselves,

and the sale
is even more of a disaster.

- The sale's almost over.

And the only thing
in that cashbox

is a receipt for the cashbox.

We won't be able
to go on the retreat.

- The girls won't be happy.

They'll replace us as captains
because we'll be responsible

for the first-ever
bake sale fail.

- We can't fail.

We have to try harder.

We can do this.

I have an idea.

Buy a cupcake, get a free hug.

- Sophie, that's a headlock,
not a hug!

- ♪

- There he is, all-star
receiver

Troy "The Wonder Boy" Dickson.

- What do you want, Bella?

- I know you were mad
yesterday fighting with Sawyer.

But I also know you love
football more than anything.

So why don't you put this
silly fight aside

and come back to the team?

- Are you gonna make
me number-one receiver?

- Yah, you're gonna be
number-one receiver...

every other day.

See, I made a schedule.

Monday's Troy, Tuesday's
Sawyer, Wednesday Troy again.

Sawyer, look what I got you.

A new belt buckle.

- Oh, it has
a number one on it.

Does that mean
I'm the number-one receiver?

- You're the number one
receiver...of this belt buckle.

- I'd admit,
you are good, Bella.

- Does this mean you're
coming back to the team?

- No, it means I have a hat
that'll look great with this.

- Troy, I've decided.

If you come back to the team,

I'm making you
the number-one receiver.

- I don't think
you're telling the truth.

- Why?

- Because your fingers
are crossed behind your back.

- Fine, walk away.

I'm not gonna beg you.

I can't believe
you're making me beg you.

Come on, Sawyer, come back!

Walk away, see if I care.

This team will be
fine without you.

And hut!

- ♪

- Uh.

I got it.

Uh.

- ♪

- Ugh!

Injury.

Time out, time out.

- Time out?

That didn't even hit you.

- I can't play receiver.

I've gotta put on


And I still got 22 pounds to go.

- We're going to survive
without Troy and Sawyer.

I'm gonna make you a starter,
and the Bulldogs will be fine.

What's wrong?

This is what you wanted.

- Well, yeah, I've always
wanted to be a starter,

but not like this.

Troy and Sawyer won't
even talk to each other.

I'm stuck in the middle.

Oh, no.

Who's got me this weekend?

- I've tried everything
to get them on the team.

But it's impossible.

Those guys are such stubborn,
competitive boneheads.

- It's not about
football, Bella.

It's about friendship.

They've been inseparable since
the first day

at peewee football camp.

- You're right.

I've been looking
at this the wrong way.

If I want to save the team,
I've gotta save the friendship.

- Do it fast, Bella.

Ever since they broke up, I've
been having nightmares

about the goat man.

His hairy legs, his horns

and his hoofs and--

- We've barely sold anything.

We're even worse at selling
as other people

than we are as ourselves.

- All right.

Let's round up a hundred
to-go boxes and call it a day.

- Hi, Katie.

- Hey, do you guys
have any blondies?

- Yep, we have those.

But we also have five other
options that are all so good.

I can't even decide what's best.

- Sounds good.

I'll give you five bucks
for one of each.

- Six.

I know what you get
for allowance, princess.

- Fine.

- Did that just happen?

- We made a sale.

And we did as our old selves.

- We didn't need to change.

We just needed to be
totally flawed together.

- Hey, you look like
you're in the mood

for some peanut butter ba*ls.

Or perhaps some
butterscotch cookies.

Or salted chocolate squares.

- They all sound great.

Do you have change for a ten?

- Nope, have a nice day.

- Thank you.

- Bye-bye now.

- ♪

- All right, guys, I understand
that only one of you

can be the number-one receiver.

And the other will never
play on this team again.

I'm deciding who stays and who
goes through a test

of mental strength
and endurance.

Whichever one of you can keep
his hand on the ball the longest

will be my number one.

- This is how you're choosing?

- This is so lame.

- The challenge starts now.

You're going down!

- Man, this is gonna be easy.

And when I win, I'm gonna
do my victory dance.

Here's a little preview.

Go, Troy.

Go, Troy.

Go, Troy.

- Calm down, Beyoncé.

Here's what a real
touchdown dance looks like.

The Huggin Shuffle.

- Is that a dance or are you
just trying

to pull your pants up?

- Don't get mad
'cause you got served.

- What?

Oh, no, you got served.

What's up?

Bring it.

- Okay.

While you guys are serving and
whatnot, I'm gonna set up

a little visual presentation.

It starts at the peewee football
camp where you first met.

- Look, there's you
peewee sleeping bag

BP--before pee-pee.

But actually, Troy, your mom,
who I got these pictures from,

told me that when Sawyer had
his accident,

you shared your sleeping bag
with him.

- My mom is a liar.

- And when all the other
campers were making fun of Troy,

calling him
"Teary Troy the Blumper Boy,"

there was only one person
who stood up for him.

- Oh, no, no, I--I got that
because I got in a fight

with the local...bear.

- Bella, give it up, okay?

You're not gonna trick us into
getting over this

by showing us some sappy
pictures from our childhood.

- Oh, okay.

Then I guess there's no point in
showing you this last picture.

- That was the day you asked
me to be your best friend.

- And that was the day
you said yes.

- See?

What's more important?

Being number-one receiver
or this beautiful bromance?

I think you know the answer.

- Um, Bella--

Bella, I'm not saying

that this worked or anything,
but could you please

step outside so I can say
something to Sawyer?

- Take all the time you need.

Look, I'm sorry, bro.

You're my friend.

And football shouldn't
get in the way of that.

- No, I'm sorry.

You just started playing
receiver,

and you're already
awesome at it.

I was just jealous.

- It's all good.

Hey, you're
top drawer in my book, chap.

Likewise, governor.

- I knew this would work.

Oooh!

Happy to
be of service, old governors.

- ♪

Pheeeeeeh.

Uh!

Uh, I did it!

I'm buff.

I'm finally buff.

Wait, what do I do now?

Oh, oh.

No, no, no, no, no.

Ow!