14x05 - Momageddon/Pet the Rock

[bunniefuu]

- Are you ready, kids?

Kids:
Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you.

Kids:
Aye, aye, Captain!

- ♪ Ohh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

Kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ If nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

kids:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish ♪

kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!
- Ready?

All:
SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

- SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

[flute plays]

[waves crashing]

[light melodic music]

♪ ♪

[angry clamoring]

- Huh?

What's the meaning of this,
Mr. Squidward?

- Don't ask me.

Ask SpongeBob.

- [vocalizing]

- Hey, um, Mom, you don't need

to cut the crust off
the Krabby Patty.

Ha, we are making fast food.

- Love takes time, darling.

Now hand me a tomato so I can
carve it into a rose garnish.

- SpongeBob!

What in blue blazes
is going on in...

oh, hello, Mrs. SquarePants.

- Well, hello, Eugene.

I'm learning how
to make Krabby Patties.

- Oh, how lovely.

Uh, may I borrow your son
for just a moment?

What is going on here, boy-o?

Why is your mother
in the kitchen?

Just take a look at that crowd!

- This is why I never go out
to eat anymore!

- Your mommy has no business
at my business.

Send her home.
- Oh, but Mr. Krabs,

the official employee calendar
says it's...

Bring Your Mom to Work Day.

- Ha, too bad I forgot.

Boy, that would have been awful.

- Oh, it shivers me timbers
to think what a disaster

my mom would make
if she was here.

[both laugh]

- Ahem!

- Don't you worry, fellas.
I invited your moms too.

- What?

[strained] How thoughtful
of you, SpongeBob.

- Well, we're here,

so stop your horseplay
and show me what you do.

- Mother, you're
embarrassing me.

Ow, ow, ow, ow!
- [chuckling]

[gasps]

- I don't know what
you're chuckling about, Eugene.

There's wasted money
everywhere I look!

[sizzles]

When was the last time you
changed the oil in this fryer?

- We change it every day, ma'am.

- Waste!

Should be but once a year.

[sloshes]

Real tomato ketchup.
Waste!

I bet in your latrine
you use two-ply toilet paper.

- Ha, we use one-ply.

- As if it grows on trees.
Waste!

It should be half-ply.

Your profits
would be much higher

if you stopped spending
willy-nilly.

- Yes, Mama.

- Remember to smile, son.

- [grumbles]

- Where's my food?

- I'm sorry for the delay, sir.

Your order will be up soon.

- I didn't say
lose your disdain.

- [growls]
- And don't slouch.

You'll ruin your spine.

- I'm an invertebrate, Mother!

- And no back talk.

- Yes, Mother.

- Nice disdain.

But save it for the customers.
- [sighs]

- [humming]

Order up for Old Man Jenkins.

One Krabby Patty
with crust removed

and one side salad.

- I ordered fries, not a salad.

- The fries are in the salad.

- Okay, I'll try it.

But only 'cause I'm so hungry.

[chomps]

Aha!
[all gasp]

It reminds me of my mother's
cooking when I was but a boy.

I'm filled with childish glee!

[giggles]

- Mm.

- I made everyone's orders.

- Huh?
- [laughs]

- My mom doesn't understand
fast food... not the way I do.

Her cooking takes forever,
because she adds love.

- You mean there's no love
in this Krabby Patty?

Now all I taste is the fast.

I demand a refund!

- Give me some love.
- Yeah, me too!

[angry clamoring]

- Okay, that's enough.

There'll be no refunds.

You see, there is love here.

My love for your money.
[heart thumping]

Mwah.

You don't want
to break us up, do ya?

- Give me my money back!
- Where's the love?

[screeching]
[all groan]

- Clearly, our sons aren't
working hard enough.

Believe me when I say no one
is more disappointed than we,

their mothers.

- We thought
we taught them better.

- To avert this disaster,

we're going
to take over the restaurant

and show our boys how it's done.

- But Mama!
- Zip it!

And to the shame corner
with you three.

All: Aww.

- Now time to spruce
this place up.

- "Mama Krabs
Home-style Cooking"?

This is gonna be a disaster.

Look at what they did
to me restaurant.

[bright music]

- I think the place looks homey.

- If I wanted "homey,"
I'd stay at home.

This is costing me a fortune.
[cash register dings]

- Actually, Mrs. SquarePants
had all this stuff

in the trunk of her boat.

- A mother is always prepared.

- Eventually, our moms
will crash and burn.

And then we'll reclaim
the Krusty Krab.

- Looks like it's gonna happen
sooner than later.

Look who just arrived.

- [grunts grotesquely]
- Bubble Bass.

- Every mom's nightmare.

- Bubby, you forgot your doll
on the boat.

- Mom!

It's an action figure,
not a doll.

- We're doomed.

- Welcome to Mama Krabs'.

Right this way.
- [grumbles]

- Here's your menus.

- Interesting.

We shall see if
this new management

can stand up to my scrutiny.

I will have one of every...
huh?

Ow!

- We'll both have
the early-bird special.

- Mother,
I'm going to get a soda.

[exclaims]

[hums happily]

Hmm?
[yelps]

Mom!

- Soda straws are dangerous.

You'll put your eye out.

Use this instead.
- [gasps]

Ooh! Ga-ga.

I mean, uh, so embarrassing.

[burps]

- Here you go.

- Ooh.
- Two Krabby Patty casseroles.

I even cut it
into bite-sized pieces.

- That's just how
my boy likes it.

- Enjoy!

- Of course that mama's boy
would like it here.

- Uh, guys, look!

It seems like everyone
is liking it here.

[contented chatter]

- You've got some smudge.

- Danke.

- I don't believe it.

They're a success.

- Well, of course they are.

Look how hard they're working.

- I actually feel kind of guilty

seeing them do all the work.

- How pathetic.

You three clearly don't know
how to appreciate

the smothering embrace
of motherly love.

- And what do you suggest?

- Are these premises equipped
with a basement?

- All right, here we are.

- Gentlemen, I present
the fortress of solitude

for adult children.

- It's a junk-filled basement.

- Oh, you see junk.

I see...

- [gasps]

A hangout lounge!

- Correct.

- Well, it's better
than the shame corner.

- I guess.

- Down here,
you can spend your time

doing whatever you want.

Reading comics,
playing video games,

complaining on the Internet.
[dolphin chirps]

- Your life choices are lame,

but I like the overall concept.

- And with your mother upstairs,

snacks are just a holler away.

- Ooh, my mom loves
to make snacks.

What else can you teach us,

oh wise sage
of the slacker ways?

- Alas, my time with you is
at an end.

I have been a good boy,
and my mother is taking me

for ice cream
in three, two, one.

[yelps]

I'm ready for my ice cream,
Mommy.

- Bye, girls!

- Come back soon, you hear.

- Well, I guess
we can give it a try.

[clears throat]
Mo-om!

[8-bit sounds and music]

- [grumbles]
- [laughs]

Mom, nachos!

[laughs]
- [groans]

- [laughs]
- Hey, watch the fort!

- Mom!
- Ma!

- Mom!
- Mom!

- Mom!
- Mom!

- Mom.
- Mom!

- Hey, Ma!

[sleepy murmurs]
- Mommy, Mommy.

- Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.
- Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.

- I've never slept better
in me life.

Last night made me feel
like a kid again.

- [exhales]
So that's what it's like

to have a childhood.

- Aww, you guys are
the best buddies

a kid could ever have.

[rumbling]

- I'm hungry.

Mom, breakfast!

[crickets chirp]

- Guys, I think
something's wrong.

- Agreed, lad.
We better go check.

[grunting, laughter]

- Oh, yeah.

[relaxed chatter]

- [snickers]
- Booyah!

- [snoring]

- What in tarnation?

Who are these bums?

- Hey, kids.

- Oh, there you are, Eugene.

Go fix me one of
those Krabbity Patties

you're always going on about.

All: Dad?

- Oh!

That's right.

Today is Bring Your Dad
to Work Day.

- Oh, uh, while you're up, son,
could you refill my drink?

- And more chips for me, kid.

- Any time you're ready with
that Krabbity Patty, son.

- I want my mommy.
- [whimpers]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- I'm glad you can come
to the pet park today, Patrick.

- [muffled muttering]

Well, thanks for inviting me.

I can't wait
to see Gary's new tricks!

- [meowing]

- There's nothing more fun
than bringing your pet

to a pet park.

- SpongeBob!

[laughs maniacally]

I got one of those head things!

- A concussion?

- Yeah.

But also the other thing.

- Oh, a thought.

- Yeah, I think
I'd like to have my own pet

to bring to the pet park.

- That's a great idea.

We can stop at the pet store
on the way.

Mm, do any of these pets
pique your fancy?

- No.

Uh-uh. Nope.

Whoa!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

That one!

I want that one!
That's the pet for me!

- Huh.

All right, go on through.

Hold it right there!

I'm gonna need
to see some proof of pet.

- Of course.

- That's a rock.

- Yeah.
His name is Rolly.

- I don't see how
this thing is a pet.

- Oh, here.
Take a closer look.

- [groans]

Oh, yes. He's adorable.

Go right in.

- Thanks.
[laughs]

Come on, Rolly.

- [groans]

- [neighs]

- Wow.

Yup, that's my card.
- [laughs]

- [giggles]

Rolly, Rolly, Rolly!

[winces, laughs]

- Oh.

Geode hunting is
a cracking good time.

[giggles]

Ooh, ha ha!

The perfect crystal
quartz lattice.

An exquisite specimen
for my collection.

[grunting]

- Rolly, you're
the best rock ever.

- What the devil?

By Jove.

Such majesty.

That must have quite the geode
inside.

[cackles]

- [laughs]
- Tallyho, good chap.

Whoa!

Perciful Rockhound,
amateur geode enthusiast.

- You talk funny.

[giggles]
Huh?

What? What's that, Rolly?

Uh-huh.

Rolly says he wants
to play with you.

Here you go.

- [grunts]

- Have fun, you two.

- Ooh.
- Wow.

- Hey, Patrick. Where's Rolly?

- Oh, he's playing with the
funny mustache man over there.

- [muffled muttering]

[grunts]

- Oh, so cute.

But that's enough play, Rolly.

- [yelps]
- [gasps]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, Rolly!

You want to play
with everyone today.

Done already?

Oh, who's a good boy?

- Uh, Patrick,
maybe we should leave.

- Good idea, SpongeBob.

Everybody here is
sleeping anyway.

Come on, Rolly!

- I will tear that rock asunder.

[cackles]

- What a fun day.

Now it's time to do
my favorite thing...

nothing!

[chuckles]

[chomping]

- It's the "Sir Urchin
& Snail Fail Show."

- [laughs]
- Why, you!

- What'd I do?

- [guffaws]

[phone beeping]

- [meows]

[phone rings]

- SquarePants residence.

- Oh, SpongeBob.
I don't think Rolly likes TV.

[Gary chomping]
He tore up the place.

- Have you been feeding him?

Pets get cranky
if they don't get their food.

- Oh, yeah! Oh.

Thanks, buddy.

- Of course.

- Rolly!

SpongeBob said you need lots
of food.

Good thing I had this big bag
of cement mix on hand.

Just add water.

Huh. Okay.

Bone apple teeth, Rolly.

Now it's time for my lunch.

[vacuum whirs]

I like it dry.

Huh? Whoa!

Rolly, you got big.

SpongeBob?
- Yes?

- I fed Rolly, and he got big!

Is he dying?

- No, you silly.

He probably just needs a walk
to go potty.

But make sure
he wears his leash.

- Okay!

Time for a walk, Rolly.

The world is your toilet.

- [chuckles]

My word.

How rotund his rock has grown.

I must pilfer that plump pebble.

- [humming]

- [whimpers]

- Aah!

- [screams]

- Ooh!

What stinks?
[squelch]

Oh, it's you, Rolly.

Hmm, what am I supposed to do?

[beeping, line trilling]

Hi, SpongeBob.

- Hey, Patrick.

- Ma-mow.

- [sniffs, strains]

Rolly smells like garbage water.

Is he mad at me?

- Of course not.

You can take him to a groomer
to freshen him up.

- Oh? Huh.

Conveniently Placed
Rock Groomer.

There's one right here!

Thanks, SpongeBob.

[chomps]

[bright music]

[groans]
Hmm?

- Good day, sir.
- Huh?

- [snickers]

I'm the rock groomer.

May I take that ample, glorious
collectible rock from you?

Whoa!

- Rolly needs a bath.

[grunting]

- Aah!

At last, the glimmering contents

of your sturdy aspects
shall be mine.

[growls]

Huh? Aah, aah!

Oh, no! Back, you beast!

Ow! Ow!

- Oh, finished already?

Wow!

Rolly, you're beautiful!

I've gotta tell SpongeBob.

- Hi again.

- SpongeBob, Rolly
looks prettier than,

um, a really pretty thing.

You gotta see him.

- Well, you should
bring him down

to the Bikini Bottom Pet Show.

Gary and I are here now.

[cheers and applause]

- Great! See ya there.

- [groans weakly]

- Lady, you need a bath.

- [moans]

[lively music]

- Yee-haw!

- Contestant 24.

- Huh? Oh!

[laughs]

[barks]

His name is Rolly.

Isn't he pretty?

- Hmm. What does it do?

- I'll show you.

[groans, laughs]

♪ ♪

- Whoo! Go, Patrick, go!
Whoo!

- [meows]
- Whoo!

Go, Patrick, go!

[all yelping]

- Ta-da!

- Well, it seems
every other contestant

has been eliminated.

- I suppose you win...

by default.

- We... did it!

Rolly, you're the best rock...

- Ever!
[cackles]

Finally, your crystalline cache
is all mine.

[curious mystical music]

- Rolly!

Oh, no!

- Ooh.
[pants excitedly]

- [roars]

- Oh.
G-g-good show, old chap.

- [bellows]

- Oh, fiddlesticks.

- Rolly.

I love your new look.

- Mmm.

- Aww.

So Rolly was an egg all along.

- [meows]

- Rawr.
- Oh!

- Wow!

Now that's what I call a pet!

- [roars]

[burps]

- Yay!