03x06 - The Camping Trip

[bunniefuu]

For a man with an internet
history as exotic as Simon's

emergency family meetings
were never good news.

- We've been waiting for you, Simon.
- Sorry, I was busy! I have a life, too!

And what's so important we need a meeting,
like businessmen or something?

Well, I don't really know where to start.
My company are making people redundant.

I've managed to keep my job,
but it means moving to Swansea.

- Where's that? Is it far?
- It's in Wales.

- You must have heard of Swansea, Simon.
- I haven't.

- And I'm not moving to f*cking Wales.
- Hey, mind your language.

I know it's a lot to take in,
but please try and stay calm.

It's been an incredibly
tough decision for us to make. I mean,

- I would have been out of a job!
- Oh, it's all about you, isn't it?

What about me? What about my friends,
my other relationships?

- Your what?
- And my exams?

One minute, you're like, "Revise, revise,
revise," the next you're moving me to Swansea!

We've spoken to the examination board and
you'll be able to sit the same exams in Swansea,

- you'll just do them at a local college.
- I'm not going.

How's that suit your f*cking plans?

I'll get a flat with Jay.
I'm 18, you can't stop me.

Me and Jay'll get a flat and
Andrew can come and live with us.

No, thanks.

Boys, I promise I'll make
this work for us all.

I love you both so much.

Oh, that's all right, then,
well done!

Brilliant, you've effectively ended my life.
Why not go the whole hog and just sh**t me?

Or better still have me taken
to the vets and secretly put down,

just like you did with Patch!

But after he'd slept on it,
Simon was even more unreasonable.

He's a total selfish w*nk*r! I don't understand
why he doesn't just get another job!

It's not like he's even well paid. He's in
his f*cking 40s, his life is practically over.

- What is Swansea? Is it an animal?
- It's a place.

- It don't sound near.
- It's in Wales.

- Mate, they say it's well grim up north.
- Yes, but Wales isn't up north, Jay.

Wherever, Michael f*cking Palin,
it's not round here!

No, but on the plus side,
I've heard Swansea's quite nice.

- Really? Who from?
- A friend of my gran's.

- Is that to make me feel better?
- It's all I've got, I'm afraid.

That's pretty much it
for me and Carli, then.

I don't know. Maybe you could still not
have a relationship long distance?

Good one.

- Can we have a crack at her, then?
- No!

- Don't be a d*ck. I'd love a go!
- Think about that lovely snatch.

f*ck off, Neil, just f*ck off!
I'm having a nightmare here!

Calm down, you're not
the only one with problems!

- Really? What problems do you have?
- Bent old man, wants to f*ck own sister,

- Mum did a legger.
- Nah, none of them,

- I think I'm going to be a dad.
- Neil, you have to f*ck a girl for that!

I know. I did it with this bird from Asda
and now she's pregnant.

- Congratulations.
- Are you serious?

- No. f*cking. Way!
- So you're not a virgin any more?

- Don't think so.
- Nice one, mate!

I knew you'd lose your v-plates before these
sad pricks! Welcome to the shaggers club.

Where only 50% of
the members have had sex.

Let's back up 30 seconds.
This is very serious.

- I've a couple of questions, Neil.
- Yeah?

Well, what did it feel like?

- It was all right.
- All right? Anything else?

No-one's expecting DH Lawrence, Neil,
but did you think anything other than,

"This is all right"?

- My legs ached.
- I give up.

- This a big deal, how did it happen?
- We was both on the cheese counter

and she was being well saucy and that.
And then we went back to hers at lunch break

- and did it and now she's pregnant.
- How romantic. Are you sure she's pregnant?

Yeah, she texted me. Look...

"Did the test. It's positive.
Thought you should know."

- Two dots and a diagonal line.
- Worried smiley,

- dear God.
- Why didn't you use protection?

She told me she couldn't
have any more kids.

- Any more?!
- Jesus Christ. How old is she, Neil?

I don't know, pretty old.

And have you told
anyone else about this?

- Nah. I can't really talk to my dad.
- What, cos he's never seen a woman's fanny?

Shut up! He's seen my mum's!

Well, that don't count,
everyone's seen your mum's.

- f*ck off!
- Till she ran off.

I think you need to talk to Gilbert about this.
For all his flaws, he's not a bad bloke.

And his role as head of Sixth is
pastoral as well as tutorial.

- He's what?
- It's his job.

Then I pushed it in a bit, then out a bit,
then in a bit, then my legs ached,

then out again, then back in, and then it
went off, and now she's pregnant.

- OK. I think I get the picture, Sutherland.
- Cool.

Look, isn't this exactly
the sort of thing that Twitter

- or MySpace were invented for?
- No, sir.

I was going to write to the
Daily Star's problem page,

with the photos, but it takes
a week to hear the advice.

OK. And this "encounter",
did it take place on the school premises

- or with a fellow pupil?
- Nah.

Good! Well,

what I think you should do
is turn around, get out of my office

and we'll pretend this
conversation never happened.

All right, cheers for that.

But, sir, what about
your duty of care?

That Sutherland's managed
to pass his genes on may be a disaster

for mankind,
but it is not my mess to clean up.

But what about the oath?

Sorry to disappoint, McKenzie.

Teachers don't start each day
by swearing allegiance

to the education fairies
under a photo of the Queen.

It's not so much a calling these days, as a
graveyard for the unlucky and the unambitious.

Between you and me, the only reason
anyone teaches these days

is because they've taken a more relaxed
view on police checks in recent years.

Goodbye, McKenzie.

They say the art of teaching
is aiding discovery.

And Mr Gilbert helped me discover
that he was a w*nk*r.

Simon, God, my mum just told me
about you moving away.

Oh, yeah.
It's basically the end of my life.

It's so weird, I can't imagine us
being that far apart.

- We're going to miss the bus.
- Anyway, I've go to go. I'll see you soon.

No, I'll come with you, I'm just
waiting for my change. It's £8.

- Where's my change?
- Manners.

I'll see you.

I suppose I just always
thought we might,

- you know... We might...
- We have to go.

I've got to go, I'm sorry.
I'll see you soon, Simon.

What? We might what?
Say it! Come on!

Make love, was it make love?

Carli, make love?!

Where's my f*cking change?!

Thank you.

So, it had finally happened:
Carli had made Simon's brain explode.

That stupid ugly b*tch just
ruined it for me with Carli!

She been controlling your
personality for the last 18 years?

- Brilliant, yeah, good one.
- Anyway, Simon, I've been thinking,

we should do something
for you before you leave.

What, like give him a makeover,
sort his hair out and that?

Could do. I was thinking more of
a camping trip to the countryside.

Pubs, long walks,
no parents, no girls,

just the four of us, the lads,
a tent and a load of beers.

Sounds like a bent version
of Brokeback Mountain.

- Which would be a heterosexual version.
- Is this a posho's tradition?

Did your mates do the same thing
for you when you left Hogwarts?

- No, they didn't.
- Oh, right.

Well, I'm up for it!

It'll do me good to get away,
out in the country, get me head straight.

- Bring your old man, and get him straight!
- f*ck off!

- I don't think I'd be much company.
- Come on, Si. It'll be a laugh.

Although last time I went to
the country, I had some bother.

- From locals?
- Nah, a cow.

It charged me, so I had to
knock it out. One punch.

Nice.

I had to leg it, though,
cos its mates saw. No word of a lie,

they stood up on their hind legs
and started firing milk at me from their t*ts.

- Udders?
- Well, yeah, there were loads of them.

Right. What do you reckon, Si,
fancy a weekend punching cattle?

No. No. I've got two weeks left here.
And I'd rather spend them

trying to finally get together with Carli,
than hanging around with you lot

talking sh*t about cows
and f*cking camping.

I'll put you down as a maybe, then.

That night, at 2am, I was lucky enough
to be woken by a call

from a steaming drunk Simon.

- Will, it's me, Simon.
- Yes, I know.

Man, you were right, I've got
to make Carli believe in me,

make the sort of gesture
she'll never forget.

That doesn't sound like me.
Are you drunk?

I'm going in. This might be my
last chance to see her, to kiss her,

- to maybe make love to her.
- Fine! I'm coming to get you!

As long as you promise never
to say "make love" again!

So, like a superhero,
I went off to Simon's rescue.

A superhero in slippers
and a dressing gown.

Simon!

Simon! Please!

Oh, Christ.

Carli, it's me, Simon.

What was it you wanted to say?
Was it about making love?

- Daddy?
- No.

- Sleep.
- What's happening?

Just shush your
little f*cking mouth.

- You're not my daddy!
- Oh, bollocks!

Mummy! Daddy!

Simon's intention
was pure Romeo And Juliet.

Unfortunately, the execution
was pure Crimewatch.

Yeah, cheers, Steve.
There's no need to press charges.

Don't worry. Sorry again.

You're not going to shout at me,
are you, Dad? My head really hurts.

No, I'm not going to shout.
I think we need to have a talk, though.

I know this move's stressful for you
and you might feel a little crazy.

Yeah.

But you can't go touching children.
Not now, not ever.

- Not kiddies, Si!
- Oh, God, no, no!

No, it wasn't that!
I got the wrong bedroom,

- I wanted to touch Carli.
- Really?

- Yes, yes!
- Oh, thank Christ.

Thank God. I've been Googling
chemical castration all morning.

I think you need to forget about her for a while.
Go near that house, her dad will f*ck you up.

- His words not mine.
- Oh, God!

Maybe go to your nan's
for the weekend?

- Will wanted to go camping.
- Camping? Yeah, that sounds good.

Healthy, outdoors.
No children around.

Dad, I've loved her for ages,
I don't know what to do.

I totally understand, mate.
There was a girl I was crazy about once.

- Really?
- Yeah. She was gorgeous, funny.

My best friend in many ways. Nothing
happened, as much as I wanted it to.

- Because you never told her?
- No, she was frigid.

Yeah, her knickers were about
as wet as August in the Sahara.

Then your mother came along.
She was a real tomcat, let me tell you!

Didn't take me long to forget the Ice Queen
with your mum around, if you get me.

Yeah. Get it all up, mate.

Simon's choices were simple:
Stay home and lose more stomach lining

hearing about his mum's high
sex drive or take us camping.

As we're near, I thought I'd run
through the itinerary for the weekend.

- What's an itinerary?
- Will's way of taking the fun out of everything?

No, it's just a schedule of what
we'll do and when we'll do it.

Right, item one, get your sh*t
off my side of the car.

It's not sh*t. It's essentials for everyone
to make the trip more enjoyable!

Right, yeah, Monopoly?
That'll make it a proper lads' weekend.

All we need is beer and johnnies
and I've got plenty of both.

- Why have you brought a load of johnnies?
- In case I get lucky.

We're camping by a lake near a wood.
You hoping to pull a fish or an owl?

Listen, all these country birds
love a bit of big city c*ck.

- You're not from the big city!
- Anywhere with a train station

- and Morrisons counts as a city to them!
- Neil, look at the map, please! Where is it?

It's round here somewhere.
The next left or something.

And that's what Google Maps says,
"The next left or something"?

Sorry, mate, my head's a mess.
What if I have to go to the birth?

Can you imagine how grim that'll be, watching
that baby getting squeezed out of her arse?

- Right, I've got some news, Neil...
- Oh, here we are, Si. Turn in here.

Oh, Jesus Christ, it stinks.
Is it near a pig farm, Neil?

Nah, sorry, mate, that was me.
It just slipped out.

- Oh, mate...
- What?!

- I can't believe that's the smell of your arse!
- I can f*cking see it! It's like a brown mist!

Despite Neil's anxious bowels
burning our eyes and choking our lungs,

we made it. I'd researched this place
online and it certainly delivered.

Secluded. Remote. Beautiful.

- So where do we sh*t?
- What?

When we need to a sh*t,
where do we sh*t?

Hang on, he's right.
Where are we going to sh*t?

Well, usually, you'd place a trench at least


- What trench?
- The toilet trench.

- Where you put the toilets?
- No, where you do a toilet.

- I'm not sh1tting in a trench!
- You've gone mental.

I'm not going near a hole
filled with your sh*t!

- We each get our own trench.
- That's all right, then.

- We're camping surrounded by sh*t?
- No! No-one is sh1tting in a trench!

We'll have to drive to a pub
or something. sh*t there.

- Good idea.
- Agreed.

That's decided, then,
write that down, Will, item two.

Could do. Or you could remember
to sh*t in the pub when we're there?!

- Let's get this tent up.
- I need to go now, though.

- What? Just hold it in!
- I can't, I get all emotional.

We only just got here, Neil!
Camp first, poo second!

I don't think I can, I'm honestly
getting teary, it feels like it's trying to

push its way back up
into my stomach!

I need one now, too. What about
that service station we've past?

- Oh, God, the snake's out the cave!
- Fine. Everyone, back in the car.

So our camping trip was delayed
while Neil left what he described

as "King Kong's finger"
in the Welcome Break toilets.

Neil genuinely felt better about life
after unloading a massive poo.

And now the car was unloaded,
so did I.

First need to clear the ground, make sure
the site is safe and then put up our tent.

f*ck that, let's just crack open the
beers and build a f*cking massive fire.

You can't just build a fire.
It takes preparation.

I mean, have we even asked
the landowner's permission?

I didn't come here for a refresher
course in the Countryside Code.

I just want to get pissed and have a laugh.
I won't be able to do any of this in Wales.

- What, cos there's no fields?
- No, cos I won't have any mates.

You won't need mates.
Welsh birds are total filth.

- Are they?
- Yeah.

Pretty much all British porn stars are Welsh.
Most of them don't even get paid,

- they just do it for c*ck.
- Oh, OK, made-up sluts.

Now I'm glad I'm going to Swansea.
f*cking hell, Swansea.

Fine, Simon, look if you really want,
I'll build you a fire now.

You lot put the tent up, I'll go and
find some suitable wood and kindling.

All right, Akela.

But remember, fire is an element,
it must be respected.

Camping is all about self-reliance
and teamwork.

And I knew I could rely on myself
to create the perfect camp and my team...

to f*ck it up.

What the f*ck have you done?

All right, Will. Fancy a sausage?

Calm down. I just got it going
and I didn't even need a fire g*y's badge.

- Nah, just some petrol.
- You put petrol on it?

Wait a minute. Is that
my fold-out table on the fire?

- And my picnic basket?
- I thought you said look for stuff to burn.

Wood, burn f*cking wood,
not my stuff.

Oh, f*cking hell.
Why have you done that?

Look, someone had to take charge
of this weekend

or it was going to be all Monopoly
and sh1tting in trenches.

Look, come on, sit down, have
a beer, have a sausage. Just chill.

I'll chill when you stop burning
my f*cking possessions.

Oh, I thought they were for
"everyone"?

Yes, for everyone to use,
not to burn.

- What are you doing?
- Fire's going down.

Stop burning my things.

All right, I forgot. Jeez!

We were barely an hour from home,
but somehow that meant

that burning my possessions
was not only OK, but hilarious.

Oh, come on, we're sorry.
It was just a joke.

We'll do whatever you want to
cheer you up. Anything you like.

- Game of Monopoly?
- Oh, f*ck off.

- Apart from that.
- Look, if you want to play a game,

I've got a proper game,
not a sh*t one.

Though thinking about it,
you lot might be too p*ssy to play.

It's not that game that you used to play
with your weird neighbour in his shed, is it?

- Well, that never happened.
- Yeah, you told me about it years ago.

- Just after he moved away.
- No, I never. Shut up, you knob.

Right, to start with,
you all have to swap phones.

Now what?

Now you text someone in their phone book.
So, like, you've got Will's phone, yeah?

So when you text someone,
they'll think it's from him.

So does that mean I have to write it
all posh and like all hurdy wurdy durdy?

The only rule is you can write whatever
you like and no-one can stop you.

I just want to say, for the record, there's
no way anything good can come out of this.

Ready? Go.

I've only got five numbers in my phone,
and three of them are you lot, so do your worst.

Well, as long as one of the others
is your mum, you're still in trouble.

Neil, come on, that's too much.

I think that is literally
the point of the game.

f*ck.

Right, gays, finished?
That's it, send 'em.

Right, so I wrote,
from Simon's phone to Carli,

"Carli, I love you
from the bottom of my c*ck."

"The thought of leaving you
is making me cry."

Better.

"And I'm using those tears
as lube to wank with."

Right.

Don't worry, Si, I texted Jay's dad and wrote,
"Dad, I'm just thinking about you."

- Oh, that's all right.
- "I'm in the bath and I'm hard."

- f*cking hell.
- Neil?

Fairly standard to Will's mum.
"Mum, it's been 17 years,

but I'd love to have another go
on your big old t*ts."

No.

"Then I'd like to smash in
your back doors [an*s]."

So it'll come up that I've
sent her a text, she'll think,

"Good, he's just letting me know he's
got there safely," then she'll read that?

- Yep.
- Right then, Si, what did you send to,

- I presume, Neil's dad?
- You presume wrong.

I've gone for a slightly different flavour. I've
written to the soon-to-be mother of his child.

- What?
- At least that's who I guess

- Saucy Asda Karen is?
- It is.

Good, cos I've written,
"Karen, I love you

and love that you are to be the
mother of my child. Marry me?"

- f*cking hell.
- Brilliant.

I only met her a month ago.
She smells of cheese most of the time.

What, cos of all the knob she's had?

God, I thought coming out here
would take me mind off it,

but the countryside's really boring,
innit? It's just a load of fields

and rivers and that. And they don't
do nothing. They just sit there,

it's not like the London Dungeons
where people jump out at you.

- He's right, it is boring. Shall we go back?
- Oh, no, come on,

we could go for a swim?
Skinny dipping?

Yeah, you're right,
probably be a bit g*y.

- Yeah.
- Well, there's always Monopoly.

f*cking hell, fine,
as long as I can be the dog.

- Why?
- Reminds me of Benji.

This was great. Camping.
Playing board games round the fire

as the sun went down. It was like
I was back in Cub Scouts, but without...

the unpleasantness.

Park Lane, with a hotel,
that's 1,500 you owe me, Top Hat.

Can I pay you after I pass Go?
I'm nearly there.

- Nope.
- Well, will you take one of my properties, then?

This is impossible.
I can barely see.

I've not been able to see anything
for f*cking hours. Let's just stop.

OK, we'll call it a draw.

f*ck off, just cos I'm winning
and all you've got is stations.

- I'm happy to call it a draw.
- Course you are,

cos you were out four hours ago
anyway, you f*cking idiot.

You lot think I'm dumb,
but I've got street smarts.

You got a woman from Asda
pregnant in your lunch hour.

- I'll build another fire.
- It's too dark to collect wood,

- and you've burnt everything I own.
- Well, fine, I'll...

I'll get Si's car
and shine the lights over here.

Here y'are, then.

This was embarrassing. I hadn't lost
a game of Monopoly since I was seven.

And yet I was about to be beaten by Jay, a man who
took pride in the fact he couldn't count to 100.

He really wants to win, doesn't he?
I never knew he was so competitive.

I can't get enough of these sausages.
I love 'em raw in the middle.

Right, sorted.
Now you owe me 1,500.

Jay, my f*cking car!
Handbrake?

- Oh, sh*t, yeah.
- Stop it.

- Jay, help!
- All right, all right.

- It's locked. Jay, throw me the keys.
- I gave them to you.

- No, you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.

- No, you f*cking didn't.
- Brilliant, someone's gone

- and lost the f*cking keys then.
- Yes, you. You've lost them.

You must have locked them
in the car. Oh, God! Oh, God!

- We'll have to smash a window.
- f*cking hell, Jay, you're paying for that.

- It's not my fault.
- It is entirely your fault.

I always lock my car like that,
yours must be different.

- It's shitter, for one.
- Thanks, Neil!

If my old man was here, he'd be able
to get into it in two seconds flat.

- He used to jack Ferraris for the Mafia.
- How is that total bullshit helpful?

OK, you two hold it. We'll go and
find something to smash a window with.

Oi, why do me and Neil have to
hold the f*cking car?

Well, obviously, because
you two are the strongest.

It's true, we are.

f*cking hell, why are there no
rocks? It's the countryside!

Why aren't there any f*cking rocks?
What are we going to smash the window with?

Jay's face?

My arms hurt.

I don't know why they're bothering to
get that rock. The way I look at it,

it's inevitable that the car's
going to go in the lake.

I suppose it's nature.
You can't fight nature.

Exactly. It's going in anyway,

my arms hurt,
we might as well just let go.

- Do you think Simon will be annoyed?
- How can he be? It's logical.

- We can't stop it.
- We are stopping it a bit now.

It's inevitable, Neil, trust me.

- We'll let go after three, all right?
- Gotcha.

One, two...

No!

Oh, God. Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God!

- Why did you do that?
- You said smash a window.

No!

No, no, no!

You arseholes.
You total pair of f*cking wankers.

It's all right, Si. We'll just wait for
morning and rescue it when the tide's out.

It's a f*cking lake, Neil,
the tide isn't going out.

I've wasted my life hanging around
with you f*cking morons.

I can't wait to move to Swansea.
I f*cking hate you, f*ck off.

f*ck off!

Come on, Si, come out the water and dry off,
I'm sure we'll think of something.

You never think of anything. You've just got
an accent that makes us think you're clever,

but you're not. You're just as much
of a f*cking idiot as these two.

- Bit harsh.
- You wankers,

you total, total wankers.

Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, God!

Do you want a lager, Si?

Yes.

- Oh, sh*t. I did have the keys.
- Probably wouldn't mention it.

So, Simon's shitty yellow Fiat
was gone forever.

But on the bright side, at least
Jay didn't beat me at Monopoly.

Which do you think burns better, Si,
my rucksack or my sleeping bag?

Nice try, but this is now officially the
worst weekend ever. Let's just go home.

- How?
- Call your dad, Si.

If you think about it,
it's sort of his fault we're here.

I can't face it. He's going to
go ballistic about the car.

- What about your old man, Jay?
- Nah. He's out,

private poker tournament
with Danny Dyer and the Krays.

- Aren't the Krays dead?
- No!

That's just a cover story
cos they done a bunk from prison.

They're holed up in one
of me dad's warehouses.

Of course.

Looks like your dad's taking a break
from that made-up poker tournament, Jay.

- He's just texted you back.
- Oh, sh*t. What does it say?

"You're sick, son. Your mum was right
about sending you to that shrink."

What's he on about, the f*cking w*nk*r?
Talking bollocks as usual.

You got a text, too, Neil. It's from
your bird. Maybe you should read it.

- Oh, thank you, God. Thank you.
- She said yes to the marriage proposal, then?

Much better. It says,
"You dopey prick.

Not pregnant.
Tested positive for..."

- What's that say, Will?
- "Chlamydia."

Yes! Get in!

- What's chlamydia?
- Well, how shall I put this, Neil?

You no longer have a child on the way
but you do have an STD.

I got an STD!
Yes, an STD! Whoo!

Go on, then, check mine.

It's from Carli.
Let's have a little look then...

No.

- Well?
- Brilliant.

- Shall we go to bed, then?
- What did it say?

Simon was never this cagey.
When it came to Carli,

he normally wore his heart on his sleeve
and his b*ner in his pants.

Maybe he had other things on his mind.

So we had a light all along, then?

Oh, sh*t, yeah.
Forgot about that one.

So, my car went in the lake
for no reason.

I'm upset too, Si.
I got my first hand job in that car.

Who's going to want to give me
an hand job when I'm a dad?

- Your dad?
- You're not going to be a dad, remember, Neil?

- Oh, yeah!
- He'll probably still give you one anyway.

Look, even if we did get it out, mate,
I doubt it would work anyway.

- I think the engine's flooded.
- Is that supposed to be funny, Jay?

You'll get it on the insurance,
though, I reckon.

Yeah, I've got third-party, fire and your mates
rolling it into a lake, so it should be fine.

How was the trench?

- I had to wipe my arse with leaves.
- Jesus.

And I think there were some ants in there,
so I now literally have ants in my pants.

And soil, and some earwigs.

Do you remember that first time we
slept in a tent in my back garden?

Yeah, we had to come in the house
about midnight because Jay got scared.

Yeah, I was scared Neil's dad
was going to come out and bum us.

And on that familiar note, it's good night.
Sorry about your car, Si.

Doesn't matter. It was a sh*t car,
anyway. Thanks for the send-off.

I suppose when I'm away from you lot...
Jesus, that stinks, Neil, is that a fart?

Nah, a burp. It ain't great, though.
I think it's them sausages.

Whatever. Good night.

Well, I'll get the f*cking light,
then, shall I?

Night, gaylords.

Si, I was wondering,
when you're gone...

- Yeah?
- What do you want us to do with Will?

- Like, look after him and stuff?
- I'm not a stray cat, Neil.

- Yeah, but you do sh*t in a hole in the ground.
- Brilliant.

- I just worry about you, that's all.
- I think I'll be fine. Good night.

Thanks, though, Neil.

- f*cking hell, it's in my hair!
- I think it's the sausages.

Oh, I've got to get out.
I've got to get out!

Oh, God, the smell.
It always makes me puke.

- Don't puke in here.
- No.

- Oh, you have.
- I don't feel well.

Oh, sh*t, the smell.
Oh, God, doublepuke!

Get the f*cking tent open, Jay!

I can't find the zip!
I can't find the zip!

Great.

- Oh, my mum's texted me back.
- She up for some back door action, then?

No, it said, "I love you too."
It's a template.

If she is up for it, Neil should get to bum her,
cos it was his text that got her frothy.

- True.
- Obviously she's not up for it.

- How do you know?
- Does it say that pacifically?

Specifically.

Are you saying she only
likes it in her axe wound?

Seriously, we've got a long walk
ahead of us, I'm covered in puke,

can we just drop the mum stuff?

- I'd like to drop your mum's stuff.
- Oh, we can't.