03x16 - The Island of Mrs. Morceau/The Color of Mustard/Third Dork from the Sun

[bunniefuu]

1-2-3 huh!

Baby!

Sassy!

Man, i'm pretty!

Do the monkey with me!

Hey there, baby!

Yeah, whatever!
[cheers, applause,

cats hissing]

Announcer: And there's the bell!

We'll be back with catboxing

from reno after these messages.

Ooh! Kit calico

is scrappy,

But he can't match

mr. Lickin's paw work.

Hello. I'm dr.

Gwendolyn morceau.

A lady doctor?

Has science come that far?

Interested in

the exciting and

fast-paced world

Of genetic

experiments?

Yes, but am i qualified?

At the morceau institute

of de-evolution,

We'll welcome you

with open arms!

Just listen to what

some of our other

clients are saying:

Help me!

[snort]

[burbling]

the horror! The horror!

So come on down! You'll be

helping your fellow man--

Oh, you lost me.

Morceau: And you'll

make up to $5 a day!

You found me again!

And all experiments are

100% safe and effective!

Voice: Bizarre

genetic experiments

not really safe.

Everyone knows "bizarre

genetic experiments"

Is code for

"lovely science chick

seeks buff studmuffin."

To the hovercraft!

Here we are--

1270 horrible mutant lane.

Hey, buddy, i'm looking

for dr. Morceau--

Holy mackerel!

You know, a little

electrolysis and you

wouldn't look quite so, uh

Hideous.

Woman: Please

fill out these

medical forms.

Thanks, foxy mama.

Thank you!

Now, let's see:

"have you ever

had rabies?" no.

"problem shedding?" no.

Am i paper-trained?

"willing to learn."

Goat: No! Help me!

It's a maaaaadhouse!

Next!

That'd be me,

gorgeous.

Say, you're not like

the other people

around this place.

You're so smooth

and human-looking.

Akbar!

[muffled]

help!

HmmLarge,

well-muscled,

Ill-formed brain case.

He's perfect!

I get that a lot.

You know,

you and i have

a lot in common.

You want to

manipulate my genes,

and i--

Silence!

Test subject bravo,

are you ready for

the treatment?

Am i ever!

Ahh! Come on, baby!

Bring on

the treatment!

Well,

how do you feel?

I feel exactly the same.

Say, you don't happen

to have a couple

of heads of lettuce

I could gnaw on, do you?

Take him to

the holding area

for observation.

Holding area, huh?

[laughs]

Oh, there'll be

some holding

In the "holding area"

all right!

So i guess i'll wait for

the "holding" to start

In the "holding area"!

Aaahhhh!

[thud]

[laughing]

"holding area"!

AhI love

the editorial pages.

MmmOpiniony!

What? This ain't

the exercise yard!

Hey, beak boy!

You're messing up my pad!

Dr. Morceau's coming over

to hold me later.

What are you, an idiot?

Quack!

Dr. Morceau's

devolving us all into

Hideous beast people!

Really! I wonder what

she's turning me into:

A majestic lion;

a wild, untamed stallion!

No, no!

Look around you!

What? I got

the hamster wheel,

The hamster water bottle

Oh, sweet heavens!

She's turning me into

a beautiful butterfly!

You mean a hamster.

Right. What did i say?

Our only hope

is to destroy her

ray machine. Quack!

It's just

crazy enough to work!

Follow me and we'll find

her secret lab.

But first--some pellets.

My hamster senses are telling me

the lab is behind this door!

What about that door

that says "lab"?

Silence!

How horrible!

She's using

the beast people

for sl*ve labor!

Oh, don't be

silly!

We're just

building

the sets

For our annual

variety show!

Hit it, kids!

kick up your hooves,

stick out your snout

start out a man

end up a trout!

don't look now

but we are hideous

'cause her plan

is so perfidious

let's all sing

the hideous animal rag!

Stop! Stop!

Can't you see

what's happening here?

Not only did you completely

step on the downbeat,

But you've forgotten

what it means to be human!

To reasonTo live

a life of calm reflection

Hamster man is right.

All in favor of

following him

Show jazz hands!

[cheering]

jazz hands!

Then it's settled!

Follow me and i will

show you once more

What it's like to be

a thinking, reasoning human.

Now let's get her!

Smash! Smash!

[rumbling]

Aha! I thought i'd

find you here, bravo!

You're more trouble

than you're worth!

It's time to completely

de-evolve you!

I don't think so, fiend!

Aah!

[thud]

You did it, man!

You're a hero!

Quack!

No, my friend

I'm just a hamster.

A hamster who cares.

Now to use my great

scientific expertise

To turn you all

back again.

Ooh, this is

a pretty button!

No! Not that one!

Ah! Finally everything's

back to normal.

Chicken woman-- oh!

[clucking]

Officer possum.

Jerk!

Animals don't seem

to like me much.

Narrator: There are a thousand

stories in the naked city.

I only know 53 of 'em.

54, if you include the one

about my cousin ernie

Who took a foul ball

to the head and smiles

at the wrong things.

Me? I sell cheap chili

to men who want to

get full fast.

That's the way

they like it.

At least, until she

walked into the diner.

You must be pops.

Quiet! I'm not

finished narrating.

That's when she spoke to me.

Ok, go.

I'm looking for

a shuttlecock jockey

Named johnny bravo.

He's over there

At least

what's left of him.

Hey, johnny! Somebody

wants to see you!

Well, i'm not here.

Now give me another

shot of root beer!

[burp]

Johnny bravo? I've got

a proposition for you.

How about this one--

you, me,

A box of noodles,

a pauly shore

video--

Whoa!

[sloshing]

Ok, how about this:

Just me, a box of rice,

and public access?

What's happened

to you?

I was told you were

the greatest backyard

badminton player

West of the pecos.

In fact, i came here

to challenge you

to a game.

No! I can never play again!

Not after what happened

at the match in denver!

It was horrible!

Why, he remembers it

like it was yesterday!

What a lovely day

for a game

of badminton!

Uh-huh.

I don't care who wins.

We both win

if we're having fun!

Bring it on, sucker!

There's nothing like

the smell of a freshly popped

can of shuttlecocks!

Fresh popped shuttlecocks!

Gotta go!

But your mother said

i had to help you

cross the street!

Ok, i'm here!

Let's play!

OhUh

GoshIt's really

not a game for 3.

Why? Because i've

crushed you both

700 times in a row?

It's not that so much as

your bad sportsmanship.

Come on, you losers!

I'll play you both

with both hands tied

behind my back!

Hyaaah! Hyaaah!

Hyaaah!

[boing]

Point, set, match,

love, game!

I win, you lose!

Why, i haven't seen a birdie

whipped around like that

Since pancho zagura in '48!

and the home of the

losers!

Ok, second verse!

That's quite a backhand

you got there, son.

With your talent

and my taking advantage

of your talent,

We can win some

big money!

I don't play

for money, pops.

I do it for the love

of the game.

Well, duh!

I keep the money!

But you'd get

all the free hot dogs

you want at the matches!

Love of the game

and hot dogs?

I'm in!

Narrator: Johnny went

straight to the top.

Then he fell down

to the middle, stayed

there for a while,

Then he went back

and forth for a bit,

Then he went

back to the top,

And stayed there like

the skin on an old pudding.

Everything was fine

until one fateful day

P.A.: Bravo, serving tingblad,

match point.

Do you feel lucky, punk?

Well, do ya?

[pop]

Hot dogs!

Nooo!

Hot dogs! Get your hot--

[gasping]

Get up, mister!

You gotta get up

and give me my

Postgame jumbo

dog with onions!

[imitating ambulance siren]

Sorry, son. If we

move those hot dogs,

We risk further injury.

Nooooooooo!

You know,

we're standing right here.

You don't have to yell.

Oh, sorry. No.

Anyway, that's why

i can never play again.

So you're telling me

you're a coward.

Coward, milquetoast,

scaredy-pants--

I'm not into labels.

And if you're

not a coward,

you're an idiot.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Who were we

talking about?

So there's nothing i can

say to change your mind?

Nothing! I can't believe

the horror, the shame!

[sweetly] if you win,

i'll go out with you.

What's a little

horror and shame?

Let's play badminton!

AndBadminton!

[panting]

Gee, johnny,

you really stink

out there!

One more point

and she wins!

I think i'm tiring

her out, pops.

No, i don't

think so.

She's pretty much

got it in the bag.

Come on, pops, don't you

have any advice for me?

Yeah--stay away

from badminton!

Thanks, pops.

I can use that!

I'm glad i bet on her.

Your serve, bravo.

This is it, johnny.

There's no room

for error.

I've got to focus,

use my laser-like

concentration

To give every shot

its optimum placement!

There you go--

that's the last one i got!

What?!

Noooooooooo!

Victory is mine,

johnny.

I guess we

won't be going

on that date.

Sorry, lady,

i can't hear you!

I'm too busy enjoying

my delicious hot dog!

Yep, there are

a thousand stories

in the city,

And this was

one of 'em.

Although i didn't

care for it much--

I thought the plot

was contrived

And the narration

lacked focus,

But at least

we tied up all

the loose ends

Or did we?

Here's your

i.D. Bracelet.

Here's a compass

in case you get

lost

Mama! I'm just

going next door

To borrow

a cup of sugar!

Mrs. Krelmann?

Open up!

It's meJohnny!

Johnny! Did you call

a tv repairman like i asked?

No, mama! I saved

valuable time and money

doing it myself

Using these common

household items.

Well, all right,

then.

Now let's see.

All i have to do is

press liquefy

UhMaybe i should've

tried "puree".

Greetings,

sentient life form.

Hey, pink eye!

You talkin' to me?

Yes. You have displayed

superior intelligence

By accessing

the contestant search

On our pan-dimensional

transbase frequency.

I knew that!

Yes, very nice.

Now, please prepare

for molecular transport.

I don't know.

Mama won't let me

cross the street.

I doubt she'd let me

be molecularly--

Yow!

Greetings, humanoid.

Welcome to

the green room.

The green room?

This is where you perform

your bizarre experiments?

No, this is where

you sign the release.

Aha! Which allows you

to plant alien eggs

in my stomach!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Uh, no. Now

close your mouth.

So you can stick

a brain leech in my ear?

I don't think so!

Relax! I'm just

touching your face up.

You're a bit shiny.

Ha haPowdery!

I guess this means you want me

to be a part of your

alien breeding program.

Aaahhhh!

Bad behavior

will be punished

By shock to your

obedience collar.

Your stun g*n says no,

But your horrible

empty eyes say--

Ohhhh!

Hey, what the heck

kind of a place is this?

Whoaaaaa!

Announcer: Tonight,

earthling johnny bravo

will try to buck the odds

And win the ultimate prize

On andromeda's

favorite game show

Audience: Who wants

to amass quatloos?

Announcer: Now, here's

the host of who wants

to amass quatloos?,

Excegius fizbin!

Hello! I'm excegius fizbin,

and i'm goin' nuts!

So, tell us

about yourself, johnny.

I'm frightened

and confused.

Wonderful! Let's

introduce your opponents.

Oh, don?

He's a tertiary drone

from the cyborg

collective.

Let's welcome

one of two!

You will be

absorbed.

Wonderful!

And our third

contestant,

From the prison

colony on remulan 6,

Meet kleptor!

Now, contestants, you're

familiar with the rules of

Wheel of[screach].

Uh, not really.

But i would like

to point out that

you're all a bunch of

Alien freaks!

Aahhh!

Ok, let's play.

Righty-o!

We're looking for

a trans-temporal multiwarp

equation. One of two?

Whoa! 200 quatloos!

Is there aTheta?

Yes there is--

there are two of them!

I'd like to buy

a prime number.

[buzzer]

oh, sorry!

Johnny, your play.

Boy, being abducted

to an alien planet

sure makes me hungry.

I could really go

for some chili,

or cake, or--

3 seconds, johnny.

Or pie!

Show me pi!

Yes, there are 5 of them!

Johnny, you're our winner!

Yes!

In your face,

one ofDuh

Tell him about his

stupid parting gifts!

No, johnny. As usual,

our losing contestant

Has his home planet

disintegrated!

Huh?

[boom]

Fizbin:

Oh, too bad.

Well, enjoy slaving away

in our underground sulfur mine!

Uh, i really don't

think i want to

play this anymore.

Johnny, you and kleptor

move on to our next segment!

Audience:

CatchThatDiggum!

Now, whoever catches

the most diggums before

the clock runs out wins!

Ha! This shouldn't

be too hard.

Johnny: Hey!

Come back here, you!

Hey, get back here,

you little--

[squeak]

Ok, i got one!

Victory is mine,

earth man!

AhAhAahhh

Sneezing powder--

an alien abductee's

best friend!

Ah-choo!

Johnny wins!

Sorry, kleptor,

but thanks for playing.

Yeah, well,

this was fun.

I'll just

take my quatloos

and go back home.

Not so fast, johnny!

You've made it

to our bonus round,

where you go one-on-one

Against our planet's

supreme intelligence in

Audience:

Suck my brain out!

Hello, johnny. I'm ready to

defend my quatloos against you

In mano a mano combat.

Stop! I've had

enough of this!

I can't play for

anything as trivial

as quatloos!

Then what do you propose?

That we play for

freedom--my freedom,

And that of every other

creature caught in

your fiendish web of

Fiendishness!

How about we just

throw in a case of

Chocolaty mars mellows?

Mars mellows?

Sweet!

Remember, whoever absorbs

his opponent's thoughts

first wins!

AndBegin!

No! Something's wrong!

EmptinessVoid

Oh, the cold terrible

loneliness!

Noooooo!

Ha! Maybe next time

you try to absorb

a person's mind,

You'll make sure

he has one!

Wait--that didn't

come out right.

Well, this is quite

unprecedented.

I'm afraid we have to

blow up our own planet!

But thanks for playing!

Whoa!

Johnny, are you warping

time and space again?

UhNo.

Well, all right, then.

Myriad are the life forms

that inhabit our

strange galaxy,

And wondrous are

the ways that

Mmm! Mars mellow! Mmm!

Whoa, mama!

A babe!

Mercy!

Whatever