03x10 - I Dream of Johnny/One Angry Bravo/Carnival of the Darned

[bunniefuu]

One, two, three, ha!

Baby.

Sassy.

Man, i'm pretty.

Do the monkey with me!

Come on!

Hey there, baby.

Yeah, whatever.

[nasal humming]

Would you quit doing that?

I can't help it.

The frankincense

and myrrh is m*rder

on my sinuses.

This stinks!

[sniffing]

I thought you said

We were going to see

exotic belly dancers.

And so we shall.

Behold achmed,

caliph of the dance.

On the downbeat.

[arabian music playing]

Ah! I'm blind!

Johnny, you have

to learn to appreciate

arab culture.

The arabs have given us

astronomy, mathematics,

Hummus, the suez canal,

omar sharif,

Picky, the dancing camel--

[honk]

Phew!

Putting a hurting on carl

is hungry work.

I think i'll get one of them

falafels on a stick.

Golf slacks, hey,

i have golf slacks.

Chunky peanut butter.

Very fresh.

Rare and shiny

appliances of mystery.

Ooh! Rare and shiny.

Hey, frenchy, how much

for the toaster?

Nice price.

20 risuttos.

I'll give you 30.

100!

HmmmDone!

Yes, yes, yes,

yes, yes!

Hu-ha-h*!

What's that in american?

$750,000.

Aw, i hate

the metric system.

Here's a blank check

from my mama.

I'll let you fill in

all the numbery parts.

Here you go.

Not responsible

for unleashing dark,

mystical forces

Which cannot be contained.

Have a nice day.

Ha, ha. He thinks

he's a dog.

Come, toasty. Lets get

to know each other better.

Hmmm, light, medium,

dark, and genie.

That must mean extra crispy.

Cheap, shoddy,

german merchandise!

Look out!

It's gonna blow!

[boom]

Yes! Thank you, sweet,

bountiful heavens!

Wo, mama! Yahoo!

You shall be granted--

Wait a minute.

I'm not done yet.

Oh, happy day!

Woo! Woo! Woo!

johnny has a genie!

Johnny has a genie!

Ok, i'm done.

You have freed me

from the toaster,

And in return,

i am beholding to

grant you 3 wishes.

Sweet! Why don't

we start with 1,001

arabian nights

Back at your place.

Ooh, yeah!

[bam, bam]

I warn you, one more

cheesy come-on

And according to

genie bylaws

You will be imprisoned

inside the toaster for

all eternity.

Now try again.

You mean i can

have anything?

Anything!

HmmmLet's see.

I wish for universal

peace and good will

towards man.

No, wait!

A talking monkey!

You can have

anything you want

And you're wishing

for a talking monkey?!

I have my reasons.

As you wish, master.

Oh, hello, johnny.

How are you?

Ooh! Talking monkey!

Thank you,

magic genie lady.

Oh, monkey,

we're gonna have

such fun together.

Swinging on trees,

throwing fruit at

each other,

And you can throw

your voice so it looks

like i'm talking.

Well that sounds

like marvelous fun.

Perhaps we'll do that

Just as soon as

i finish freeze-drying

and dissecting your brain

For scientific study.

YeahAnd we can

jump on the furniture,

And make prank

phone calls, and eat

with out feet, and--

Uh, can you go back

to that part about

freeze-drying my brain?

Oh, johnny,

johnny, johnny

Now open wide

and say aaaah!

Aaaaah!

Don't struggle, johnny.

[screaming]

Just close your eyes

and think of science.

[screaming]

Look, a banana.

Ahh?

[monkey sounds]

[crash]

So, did you enjoy

your first wish?

Heck, no. That was

the worst talking monkey

I've ever almost

been dissected by.

I'm sorry, master.

Perhaps you should be

more specific with

your second wish.

Oh, all right.

Hey, you know what

i've always wanted?

An end to disease, hunger,

pestilence, and--no, wait!

The perfect chick!

Be careful, master.

You're tampering

with forces

You can't comprehend.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

She should be as smart as me,

As pretty as me, and have my

sunny pleasing personality.

Your wish is my command.

What's this?

1313 meatjoke lane.

This must be my house.

That must be my delicate

little flower now.

Honey, i'm home!

Hey, baby,

hows about you and me

go somewhere quiet

And stare at each

other's pretty!

Ah, couldn't

we just talk and get

to know each other first?

Wanna see me do this?

Both: Ooh, candelabra-y.

I gotta get out of here!

[children's voices]

Dang, it's the mangoes.

You mean the kids.

Right. What did i say?

Wiggy.

Gimme a dollar.

Check the pecs.

Whoa, mama.

Won't end well.

[laughing]

Ahhh!

This can't be happening!

Tell me this isn't

really happening!

You know,

when i was 11,

I kept a live

salamander in my

mouth for a week.

Genie, help!

But master,

if i help you, that

will be your third wish.

I don't care.

Just put everything

back the way it was.

Yes, master.

Now, johnny. Let's

remove that liver.

Oh, no. I'm doomed!

I'm too young to be

dissected by a monkey!

Good-bye, cruel world!

It's all right, master.

You're safe now.

What, genie? But why?

I'd already used

my third wish.

I didn't want

to see you get hurt.

While you are a big,

stupid lunkhead,

I'm afraid i've actually

grown to like you.

Really? So hows about

you taking a ride

On my flying carpet

of love?

Grrr.

la, la, la, la

Hey, a toaster.

Yikes!

Greetings, master.

What's your stupid wish?

Hmmm

Magic bites!

Ah, first county municipal

courthouse district 8.

Foundation of our democracy,

Guardian of all

that we hold dear.

This great institution

puts me in mind of one

shining central truth--

Santa's coming! Santa's coming!

He told me to meet him

right here!

[yelling]

[chewing]

I'll see you

in court, you idiot!

[sirens blaring]

That must be

santa's sleigh.

Those must be

his reindeer.

Dasher, dancer,

Clepty, maddog,

One-eye, rico,

But no santa.

He must be inside already.

Ok, everybody here

for jury duty line up.

Oh, boy! I'm gonna meet santa!

I'm gonna meet santa!

I'm gonna meet santa!

[slam]

You may now interview

the candidates for jury duty.

Thank you, your honor.

Ladies and gentlemen,

We're not necessarily looking

for the smartest person

To serve on our jury,

Sometimes it's best to choose

the biggest, stupidest,

Lunkhead and bend him

to your will.

Good afternoon, sir.

I want a shiny red

bicycle with a bell

And lots of streamers!

This juror's acceptable,

your honor.

Hey, santa, i also

want a cowboy hat,

Some exploding onion gum,

And a squint ringo doll

with throttle fist action.

I'm not santa, you jerk.

I'm a judge! Do you

know what that means?

You're gonna decide

who's naughty and nice?

It means this is a court of law

And you have been chosen to

serve on a long boring case

Until i say you're done!

I guess there'll be

no christmas this year.

This trial will begin

tomorrow at 9:00 am.

Ah, that's no good.

I don't get up until 11:00,

Then i've got a facial at--

On second thought,

i think i can pencil it in.

"cut to the next

morning--bailiff."

Oh, that's me!

Court is now in session

for the people versus

ms. Rita amply.

[vroom]

[barking]

[gasping]

Sorry i'm late.

Ok, let's take a vote.

Who thinks he's guilty?

Pipe down, you simp.

They've got to present

evidence first.

Ladies and gentlemen

of the jury,

Look at my client.

Whoa! Look at the habeas

on that corpus.

Did i say guilty?

I meant yowzer!

Humina, humina,

woof, woof. [howling]

[howling]

Order! Order!

I'll have the denver omelet

And some liver nips

for my friends.

[panting]

Are you making a mockery

of this court?

Are you making a mockery

of this court? Ooh!

Proceed!

Ladies and gentlemen,

The state will prove that

the defendant, ms. Rita amply,

Is guilty of triple parking

in a no loading zone.

Lies! All lies!

Your honor,

this is outrageous!

Who among us hasn't been

guilty of a triple felony?

That's triple parking,

you idiot.

I'll take it from here,

sweet cakes.

Your honor, the defendant

couldn't have committed

this crime.

She was with me

that afternoon.

I've never seen

this creep before

in my life.

Because i was hiding

In the conservatory

with colonel mustard

with the candlestick.

Your honor, this is

a travesty of justice!

No, this is a travesty

of justice.

Ooh, look at me. I'm justice.

You have to do what i say.

la, la, la, la, la, la

Mr. Bravo,

you're out of order.

No, you're out of order!

You're out of order!

This candy machine

is out of order!

[banging, rustling]

Ooh, candy!

Bailiff,

pummel that juror.

Ooh, ow, ooh, hey,

watch the hair.

Come on, ooh!

Members of the jury,

that concludes the case.

It's pretty cut-and-dried,

so i'm sure it won't take

more than a few moments

To reach a verdict of guilty.

I feel like we've gotten

to know each other so well

These last 8 months.

Everyone else

thinks she's guilty.

You're the only holdout,

you dipstick.

Well, mark--

Dennis.

Michael, don't you know

You can't punch the snooze

alarm of justice,

For it will only go off

10 minutes later,

And then you'll miss

breakfast, and you'll

be all cranky,

And lost the rest

of the day.

Now let's go through

this once again.

Now on december 12

at precisely 11:30 am,

The defendant was sighted

across from me in the courtroom

Where i made these

sexy drawings of her.

[banging, griping]

[screaming]

[crack]

I'm ok.

Then i measured off

exactly 11 steps

In a northwesterly direction

And tripped over a chihuahua,

Thus proving a conspiracy

That goes to the highest levels

of the frozen food industry--

Haven't you people

reached a verdict yet?

Judge, you can't punch

the snooze alarm of

justice for--

That's it! No more

takeout lunches

Until you come up

with a verdict!

I won't compromise

my principles.

And no more bathroom

privileges.

She's innocent, i tell you!

And from now on,

No more ski bunny channel

back at the hotel.

We, the jury,

find the defendant

guilty of all charges.

Ms. Amply, i order you to

pay the court a fine of $35.

You're free to go.

No, wait! Your honor,

in view of the defendant's

Sterling character

and overall lusciousness,

I recommend she be

put under house arrest--

My house.

Come, my love. To freedom!

What are you--ooh!

[screaming]

[crash]

[screaming]

All right. I know i got

a little carried away.

Just fine me my $35,

and i'll be on my way.

Hmm

D'oh-oh!

Let me out of here!

Grrr!

I was set up, i tell ya.

You guys are in so much trouble.

I'm warning you. I know santa!

Carl: Consider the turkey,

A creature so amazingly stupid

It'll stare up at a rainstorm

with its mouth wide open

Until it actually drowns.

Hey, what's everybody

looking at?

Is it that thing?

Come on, tell me.

I'll be your best friend.

Oh, i see it now.

No, that's not it.

Oh, come on, guys.

Just give me a hint.

[gobbling with water]

And this maintains the level

of thermal gigabytes,

And this switch extracts

radioactive isotopes

from h20,

And that's a thermodynamic

fusion capacitator,

And this drawer here

is where i keep

my glitter makeup.

Hey,

what's the big idea?

I'm down to

my last cookie.

So?

So, unless i miss

my guess,

The dna from your

atomic doohickey

Can be combined with

this raisin cookie

Thereby creating a giant

mutant super-cookie

That will supply me with

enough crunchety goodness

to last me a lifetime!

Ah, silly johnny!

You can't put anodized

titanium in the microwave.

Mmm, titanium-y.

[boom]

Johnny, what have you

done to my kitchen?!

He did it.

Hey--

Johnny, johnny, i'm

so disappointed in you.

I give and i give

and i give

And all i get is

pain, pain, pain.

[sobbing]

Aw, carl, momma doesn't

seem to love me anymore.

No, she hates you.

So what do you

want to do now?

Underwear,

my favorite sock,

My pet goldfish, willy.

Good-bye, room.

I'm gonna go far away

Where i'll never

bother mama again.

Ooh, forgot

my duckie night-light.

[quacking]

This is it, johnny.

Your bold journey

begins today.

The life you once knew

is now gone.

Now you're truly on your own.

Ahh! Strange mailbox!

I want to go home!

Ooh!

Last stop, city limits.

So hungry, so all alone.

Hey, a hot dog.

Living off the land will be

easier than i thought.

Whoa, whoa,

can i help you, buddy?

Ahh!

Talking hot dog.

Kid, look out.

There's a horrible

talking hot dog.

Ribbit.

[screaming]

Don't worry,

we won't hurt you.

We're just a traveling

band of good-natured

carny folk.

Oh, that's a relief.

I thought you were

a bunch of weirdos.

I'm tina, that's leon,

the tattooed pediatrician,

And this is frog boy,

and i see you've already

met hot dog head.

Hey, i was rude before.

Go ahead, take a bite.

Nice to meet you.

Well, gotta get back to

running away from home.

Aw, that is so sad.

Why don't you

come with us?

You mean travel

the dark and seedy

back roads of america

With a bunch of

weirdos and misfits?

Uh-huh.

I'm in!

Mama bravo, i have

the spinach ravioli

and leg cream

You asked me to pick up.

[crying]

Poor gal, she's inconsolable

Over johnny's running

away from home.

Don't worry, mrs. Bravo.

He'll come back eventually.

No, he won't.

He has amnesia.

You obviously haven't

been watching the young

and the feckless for very long.

You mean you're not crying

about johnny's running

away from home?

You clearly missed

last week's episode

when jack and cindy

Fell down a diamond mine

and--say what?

Surely you've noticed

that johnny's been gone

for the last 10 days!

This is terrible.

I've got to do

everything in my power

to get my baby back

Right after i find out

if zach is having

an affair

With that hussy tiffany.

I, the bearded man,

Am the most exquisitely

malformed freak of them all.

Behold my hideous beard

and tremble, tremble!

[knocking on door]

Bearded man, come quick.

Wait'll you see

what johnny can do.

That perfectly formed

pretty boy?

I don't know

what you see in him.

Steady, steady, whoa!

How am i doing, tina?

Just do exactly

what you did before.

You mean my perfect

display of balance

and hand eye coor--ooh!

Oooh.

Hey, isn't it marvelous?

He can fall

on his head from

extraordinary heights

And remain

completely unharmed.

He'll be our

biggest draw ever!

You're one of us now,

johnny.

One of us! One of us!

This mutant wannabe

seeks to supplant me.

I'll make him rue the day

he crossed swords with

the bearded man.

Yo, whisker boy,

keep it down.

I can hardly hear them

praising me.

D'oh!

A pleasant evening

at the carnival

Should take you mind

off your horrible loss.

Loss? Oh, right. Johnny.

My baby, my life, my love.

Oh, cotton candy!

You're on, johnny.

Have a good show.

Yes, johnny.

Have a good show.

It'll be your last.

[evil laughing]

Ahh! Look, mrs. Bravo!

It's johnny!

My baby!

These extra fluffy pillows

will cushion his fall,

Making his act b*mb,

And leaving me

the star attraction!

So johnny's just gonna fall

onto those cushions?

That doesn't look very

dangerous.

Ah! Those cushions

are polyurethane!

Johnny's allergic!

I've got to save him

before he gets all blotchy.

Notice at no time

do my hands leave--ahh!

Excuse me, human cannonball.

Hold on, johnny.

Don't land!

[boom]

Whoa!

Oh, mama.

[applause]

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

[bonk]

Audience: Johnny! Johnny!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

You tried to hurt johnny.

Now you're gonna get it!

Stop! Do not hurt

the bearded man.

Sure he's a jerk,

but he's one of your own.

His horrible man beard

makes him a misfit,

just like all of you.

He truly is family.

You're right, johnny.

Bearded man: No, no,

not the beard.

Anything

but the beard. No!

We're a family again,

too, mama.

And i promise i'll never

run away from home again.

Oh, you can count

on it, mister.

Doggie!

There's no place like home.

[growling]

Look out!

A babe!

Mercy!

Whatever.