02x12 - Brave New Johnny/Witless/Carl Be Not Proud

[bunniefuu]

1-2-3-huh!

Baby.

Sassy.

Man, i'm pretty.

Do the monkey

with me. Come on.

Hey there, baby.

Yeah, whatever.

Woman: And these are

the sluicing tubes where

gristle and tallow

Are rendered down into

a gelatinous albumen.

The albumen which is

the basis of mr. Kevin's

triple strength hair gel.

But gristle

makes it shiny.

And the tallow

keeps hair stiff

for days.

Yes, sir.

We know.

This is my 397th

tour of the factory.

3 more

and i get a prize.

How nice for you.

Moving along,

we find--

Tell them about

the turbo injected

bottling process.

Sir, i'm

getting to that.

Now, if you'll

all follow me.

Please watch you step

as industrial crud

May have accumulated

along the walkway.

Johnny: She's

going to show us

how they stick

Pretty labels on

the bottles

And distribute them

to hair salons

across--whoa!

[crowd gasps]

uh-oh. Too bad.

The hair gel

will harden

around his body,

Encasing him in

a living prison

for eons to come.

And we're walking,

we're walking,

we're walking.

When do we get

to mr. Kevin's

gift shop?

I want to go

to the gift shop.

Hi, johnny.

Ugh! Carl, what

are you doing on

the hair gel tour?

You're not on a tour.

You've been frozen

in hair gel for

over 500 years.

And i revived you.

Ah, quit goofing

around, carl.

Interesting.

You must be

talking about my

Great-great-great-

great grandfather.

Carl corncisowitz

the first.

[laughs]

I'm carl number 97324

Welcome to

the 25th century.

[laughs]

Let me get

this straight.

It's 500 years

in the future?

Yep.

And you're here?

Uh-huh

Let me out of here!

I want to go home.

Help! Help!

I understand, johnny.

Your primitive

brain is confused

and rattled.

But with me as

your guide, you'll

soon grow to love

The glorious world

of the future.

Johnny: Uh, carl,

nothing personal, but

this place is a dump.

After 6 world

wars and two

global plagues,

I think we've

done quite nicely,

thank you.

Ee-eww! There's

roaches all over

the place.

Yeah, and i'm

late for work.

Move it, lard butt!

[screams]

Ahh!

Carl: Careful,

johnny!

You were almost

hit by that

Fossil fuel powered

ground transport.

You mean that car?

This place stinks.

Where's all

the talking robots

And hovering stuff?

We're working on it.

Cut us some slack,

mr. Bossy.

Whatever. Got any

food in this place?

I'm hungry.

Ok, follow me

and i'll treat you

To the amazing

food of the future.

Hey! Welcome

to pops.

Pops? Is it

really you?

Sure it

is, johnny.

Froze my

head back

in aught-7

After a little

tussle with

the meat slicer.

Wiggy.

But why doesn't

everyone preserve

Their heads and

live forever?

Well, johnny,

it's a sad,

freakish existence.

So, what can

i get you?

We're

starved pops.

Two orders of

unflavored soy

mulch, please.

Uh, could you

get it yourself?

I'm a little

short-handed

at the moment.

[laughs] it's

a little floating

head joke.

Eat up, johnny,

while it's

still damp.

Stinky food,

no rocket cars.

Give me one reason why

i should stick around?

That'll do.

Hey, future babe,

lower your deflectors.

I've set my

phasers on love.

Very well.

What?

Really? Cool.

Luckily, i happen

to have brought

My hyper-lip

mandibulator.

What?

Kissing is

forbidden, johnny.

This is how we make

out in the future.

[kiss]

That was painful

and unsatisfying.

Can we do it again?

Well, this has been fun.

I got to go now.

No really. Stop it.

[siren]

huh! I must go.

Big brother

summons us.

Well, i'll

call you. Ok?

Hurry, johnny.

It's time for

the 25th century's

favorite t.V. Show.

I don't get it.

I thought you said

we were going

to watch t.V.?

[crowd chanting

"big brother"]

Announcer: It's time for

the big brother comedy hour.

[applause]

Announcer: With

tonight's guests

Gray-nack of

sirius 4.

And stupid

android tricks.

And now, a man who

never gets tired of

policing your mind

Big brother!

This bites.

What else is on?

Shh! Johnny,

please.

Thank you,

thank you.

My, what a crowd.

So, a guy walks

into a bar and says

He hasn't had

a bite in 3 days.

So i had him

arrested and sent

to a re-education camp.

[laughter]

No, i kid.

Johnny: You stink!

[audience gasps]

Johnny: Who's got

the remote?

You know, buddy,

i'll say to you

What i say to

all my critics.

Seize him!

Quick, johnny.

Hold me tight.

Wow. That was

a close one.

The future

stinks.

Just send me

home, already.

Carl: Don't be

silly, johnny.

You can hide

out here with me

For the rest

of your life.

I'll just set up

a cot over here

Next to

the time machine.

Time machine?

Uh-huh. And we

can stay up late

Every night

and play yahtzee

And be best friends

for ever and ever

And ever and

ever ever and

ever and ever.

The albumen, which

is the basis of

Mr. Kevin's triple

strength hair gel.

I made it.

I'm back in

my own time.

Sir! I've asked

you nicely to

please stop talking.

All right.

I'll be good.

I've learned

my lesson.

And watch the ooze

on those steps.

Nag, nag, nag!

Why don't you

just shut your--

[screams]

Seize them!

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to make

a fortune with

this thing.

[dog growls]

Whoa mama!

This car must be

made completely out

of loose change.

Now to get it

into these

penny rolls.

Excuse me.

That's my car.

Hey! Finder's keepers.

So? Want to get lunch?

I'm rich.

No, but if

you take

That bus all the way

to the last stop,

My twin sister

will be waiting

for you.

Twin sister, huh?

What's she

look like?

[bus engine]

Better hurry.

Hmm. Just

like home.

Only more corn.

And the cars are

made of horses.

Woman: Good morning

to you, sir.

You the sister

i'm supposed

to meet?

Yes. I am sister emma.

You must be

brother johnny-diah,

Come to visit from

the east country.

Yeah, sure.

Whatever.

Let's ride.

Hello?

Sister emma?

Anyone?

Hey, cool hat.

Need a lift?

Are one of

you sister emma?

Um, no.

We're going to go

to daytona beach

for spring break.

Want to come?

All righty, then.

Johnny: I still

don't know why

I got to wear these

stupid clothes.

Your east

country ways

Are truly strange,

johnny-diah.

All our men

dress thusly.

I think i'm getting

a burlap wedgy.

You'll get

used to it.

Mom-adiah!

Dad-adiah!

I've returned

with johnny-diah.

Come in. I was

just blunting these

farm implements

To make

the work harder.

Wiggy.

Tell me, johnny-diah.

What brings you such

a great distance?

Some chick told me

her sister here could

cure what ails me.

A chicken spoke

to you and told you

That emma would

perform a healing?

You talk funny.

Y-yes. Well,

in any event,

let me extend

The open arms

of brotherly--

Blah, blah, blah.

I'm starving.

When's dinner?

Mom-adiah: You're

in for a treat,

johnny-diah.

I've worked all day

to make the food as

tasteless as possible.

Hmm. Radish

loaf with skunk

root sauce.

This stinks!

Got any ketchup?

Ketchup?

You start with

the spicy tang

of ketchup

And before

you know it,

You're skipping

about the barn

Wearing brightly

colored garments.

You know, that

reminds me of

a funny story.

I was washing

my hair in

the toilet

The other

day, when

So, when the battery

ran out,

I realized i had

my underwear on my head

The whole time.

[laughs]

Hey, want to

see some karate?

Yes. Well,

let's get to

bed, shall we?

So, how's

about tomorrow,

you and me--

Oh, yeah.

Making progress.

No, mama!

I'm too old for

the tiny pants.

Oh, it's you.

What time is it?

It's 4:30,

johnny-diah.

Do you plan to lay

in bed all day when

work's to be done?

Work? [screams]

Oh, all right,

If that's what it takes

to prove myself to you,

I'll do it.

Finished.

Uh, by the way,

i ran out of nails.

So i pulled some from

those other buildings.

Johnny-diah.

You have brought

shame upon us.

And for that,

you must receive

The treatment!

The treatment?

What the heck

is that?

We can't hear you.

We're giving you

the treatment.

No, please.

Not the treatment!

Stop! Stop!

All of you.

Johnny-diah

is our guest.

Yes, his customs

may be strange,

But we must open

our hearts to him.

She does dig me.

Hey, short blond

and righteous.

How's about

a quick game of spin

the butter churn?

Creep!

[johnny groans]

Johnny: Didn't see that.

Dad-adiah: Stop!

This goes against

all by by-laws of

Our peace

loving community.

Everyone ok

with that?

Crowd: Aye!

Then let

the pummeling

continue.

Johnny: Oh, boy

Magic word--blood

Watch the hair

Come on now

Boy, that hurt.

Announcer:

Welcome to the chess match

of the century,

Johnny bravo versus

the super computer.

What's this horsey

thing again?

Computer:

It's a knight.

Can i move here?

No.

King me!

There is no

"king me" in chess.

Hey, look at me,

i'm a martian.

Anyone up

for parcheesi?

Carl: It's hopeless.

12 hours to live.

[cries]

Good gravy, carl.

It's just

a lousy houseplant.

It's not just

a houseplant.

It's the best

venus flytrap

i ever had.

Take him, pops.

I want him to spend

his final days

Among the flies

he loved so well.

All righty.

I'll put him

in the kitchen.

The place is lousy with

the little stinkers.

Farewell, little

dionaea muscipula.

Parting is such

sweet sorrow.

Hey, dweeb, what's up?

You look like

somebody died.

[howls]

Oops, i think i've made

a terrible mistake.

I'm wearing my

underwear on

the outside.

Ah. That's better.

Now, who died.

Not died.

Dying.

Read the medical report.

Wah? 12 hours

to live?

No hope of

recovery.

Fungal

infestation.

Carl, you're dying.

And here i was

being mean to you

For the past

two decades.

Huh?

From here on,

i vow to be

the best friend

You always

fantasized i was.

And i swear,

i will do

anything,

Anything to make

your last day on

earth a happy one.

No, you don't

understand.

That's the medical

report for my venus--

Anything?

Hmm.

Space boy's log.

Star date: July.

Have sustained

heavy disrupter fire.

My trusty lieutenant

has just beamed back

aboard the bridge.

I said my lieutenant

has just beamed

back aboard.

Why do i got

to wear this?

I just feel stupid.

Johnny, you said

you'll play trip mccoy

galaxy boy with me.

That means

you're biff proton,

My best friend

and trusted

first officer.

Oh, all right.

Lieutenant biff

what's-his-name

reporting for duty.

What are your

stupid orders?

Give me a foot rub.

What? Not

a chance, dweeb.

Then prepare

to be disciplined.

[screams]

What did you

do that for?

I thought trip and

biff what's-his-name

were friends.

Normally, yes.

But in this

episode, my brain

has been taken over

By evil space crabs.

Well then i

don't want to--

You will

be absorbed.

[screams]

Why you little--

Uh-oh.

What am i doing?

Carl's dying

and here i am

Pounding his head

into the carpet.

Carl: Ow!

I feel cold.

I see

a bright light.

Is this the end of

carl crisovinowitz?

Please, carl.

Don't die.

I'll make

it up to you,

i swear i will.

Really? What

size unitard

do you wear?

This won't end well.

Come on, johnny.

Whoa!

I hate it here.

I'm going home.

You can do

it, johnny.

Just pretend you're

tiptoeing across

a beautiful cloud.

Ahh.

Now come here and be

my skating buddy.

How long before

you die again?

Just relax and

follow my lead.

Spin me, johnny.

Now lift me.

[laughs]

Whoa!

[carl screams]

Ow-ee.

Hey, rink bunny.

Want to join

the johnny capades?

That's it.

I'm out of here.

All right.

I'll be fine.

Ow, my spleen.

Oh, everything's

getting dark

and pasty.

Come on, carl.

Quit dying on me.

I-i'll do

whatever it takes.

Ok. Follow me.

Carl is my

best friend.

He is so

smart and nice

And a really

snappy dresser.

I like carl

very much.

Excuse me,

mr. Motorist.

Would you run

me over with

your vehicle?

Really, you'd

be doing me

a favor.

I don't hear

you, johnny.

Right.

Carl is so great.

He is the sun and

we are the planets.

He has a very

pleasant singing voice.

Excuse me,

mr. Construction worker.

Would you please

bury me alive?

I'll give

you a dollar.

You forgot to mention

That i'm an excellent

conversationalist.

I don't get

it, carl.

We've been doing

this for hours.

Shouldn't you

be dead by now?

Any minute now.

In the meantime,

keep proclaiming

your devotion to me.

Do i have to?

Oh, the tunnel.

I see the tunnel.

"c" is for

the coolest

guy i know.

"a" is for

the awful way

i treat him.

"r" is for

his really neat

bug collection.

"l" is for--

The love of

humanity,

Somebody put

me out of

my misery.

I can't stand

it anymore.

I can't stand it.

Great news, carl.

Your venus flytrap's

going to live after all.

Johnny: Huh?

That's great, pops.

X-nay on

the i-trap-flay.

Yes sir, 3 helpings

of my loose meat special,

And the little fella

was as good as new.

I guess that fancy

medical report

Was just a big

load of bunk.

That report

was about

a stupid plant?

[laughs]

ow, my spleen.

I mean, my tooth.

This hangnail's

no picnic.

I like you better

than people.

[plant belches]

Johnny: Look out.

Johnny: whoa, mama

A babe.

Mercy.