02x06 - Doomates/Johnny's Telethon/Johnny's Guardian Angel

[bunniefuu]

1-2-3Ha!

Baby.

Sassy!

Man, i'm pretty.

Do the monkey with me.

Come on!

Hey, there, baby.

Yeah, whatever.

I love your hair.

Thanks.

Hiyah!

Hiyah!

Nunchuk chicks rule.

Uh, mama? Mama!

Mama, what are you doing?

I'm installing

a "v" chip

To screen out all

the mindless garbage

Before it rots

your brain.

Mindless garbage

not rot brain.

Man on tv: And now it's time

for the gentle hug hug show.

hug, hug, hug,

hug, hug, hug

You'll get nothing

out of me, copper

Phew!

Until i get another

one of those tofu sandies.

Huh?

Ha ha!

Man: You're watching

the fish network.

All fish, all the time.

Aw, mama,

i can't live like this.

I'm sorry, dear.

While you're

under my roof,

you'll only watch

Decent, wholesome

programming.

Mama, i'm a grown man,

and i demand you

treat me like one.

The answer is no.

But mama!

Aw, mama!

Hey, i found a nickel.

Johnny: What'll i do, pops?

I need bad tv

like i need air,

water, bad tv.

Sounds to me like it's time

to cut the apron strings.

Why, i left home

when i was 3.

Never looked back.

Phew!

Hiya, hobos! Ha!

The name's pops.

So you're saying i should

hang out with hobos?

Are you kidding?

They'd eat you alive.

I'm saying move out.

Get your own pad.

Why, i have an old

windbreaker mobile home

That i keep out

at the dangerously

steep cliff.

I could let you have it

for, say, 800 a month.

All right, make it 50.

Deal.

Hmm, now where am i

going to get 50 bucks?

Hiya, johnny.

Carl, old buddy.

Carl, i'll let you be

my roommate for 50 bucks.

Ha ha ha ha! Ok.

What have i done?

Here she is, boys.

Ain't she a beaut?

Carl, gasping:

She sure is, pops.

Aren't you going to

show us around?

Eh, no. Ha ha!

Don't think so.

You kids have fun.

And don't make

any sudden moves.

Bye now.

Nice pumps.

Thanks.

Hiyah!

Hiyah!

Huh? Uh, carl,

what are you doing?

Carl?!

Maybe i'll

clean up later.

Man: And now back to

when animals attack

pro football players.

Carl: qua yo qua qua

nn-yo qua qua

Carl, what are you doing?

I'm doing

kundalini yoga, johnny.

Well, stop it!

But, johnny, i'm just

about to contact

my big toe.

Here, contact mine.

Trading on all exchanges today

was marked by profit taking

On the bond market

overseas!

Man, scottish accent: Captain,

long-range sensors detect

an alien warship.

Carl: Arm torpedoes.

Huh?

Engage!

Carl!

Don't worry, johnny.

It's only my 1/60 scale

ragillian star cruiser.

Oh, yeah?

Let me see.

Hey, give it back!

[wheezes]

That wasn't

very nice, johnny.

Look, see this line?

It separates your half

of the house from mine.

You stay on your side.

Well, then, you stay

on your side.

Fine!

Fine!

All right, then!

Stupid little monkey!

I heard that!

Man on tv: Hey, dudes.

It's time to chill out at

the spring break pool party.

I love the arts.

Man on tv: Then the amoeba

envelopes its prey in

a deadly dance of death.

Johnny: Hey, that ain't

my dance show.

Man on tv: Tiny,

hairlike cilia

Man on tv:

Insouciant paramecium.

There's only one explanation:

Tiny, invisible ghost monkeys

changing my channels.

I don't think so.

Ha ha!

Give me my remote, carl!

No, you left it on

my side of the line.

Neener neener neener!

Why, you little

Uh-oh. Battle stations!

Oh! Huh? Whoa!

When i get my hands

on you, i'm going to--

What the--hey! Ow! Oh!

Geez! Oh, come on!

[snoring]

[theme from

mission impossible playing]

Ah-choo!

Close your eyes.

You're dreaming.

Oh, yeah?

If i were dreaming,

could i do this?

I'm still on your side, carl.

Man on tv: If you've enjoyed

yam planting with pat,

Call in with a pledge,

we'll send you a tote bag.

I'm jonesing, carl.

I got to see my shows.

I'm serious, man.

Nope, sorry.

Oh, please!

I'll give you

anything you want.

Here, take

my beanbag chair.

That's a start.

Here's my waffle iron,

my barbels,

My stuffed narwhal

My entire supply

of potted meat.

My lifetime membership

in the squint ringo fan club.

Whoa!

Johnny, johnny!

Help me pull

the hand brake.

Oh, no! I'm not allowed

to cross the line.

Yeah, yeah, you can.

Please, johnny,

i'm not strong enough.

I'll do it if

you give me the remote.

Here, take it!

Now give me

my stuff back.

Here, johnny, please!

Now give me your stuff.

Take it!

It's the gentle hug hug show.

This is the part

where they hug. Ha ha!

Uh, everyone stay calm

Because we're all doomed!

Of course you realize

this comes out of your deposit!

Man on tv: hug, hug, hug,

hug, hug, hug

Johnny: Hey, mr. Minsky.

Let me get

some beef jerky.

Sure thing, johnny.

Mmm. Nitratey.

Hey, minsky, what's with

the going out of business sale?

Well, we're going

out of business.

No one needs

a $1.03 store since the

$1.02 store moved in.

Wow. That's too bad.

Still, a penny's a penny.

Nice knowing you.

You know, johnny.

The $1.02 people don't

have the high-sodium

jerky you like.

What?!

Nobody takes

johnny's jerky.

Mr. Minsky, i swear by

all that is tough and salty

Your $1.03 store shall not

perish from the earth.

What's it going to take

to keep you guys in business?

Oh, about $10,000.

Hmm.

Johnny, what's wrong?

You look so pale.

I've been selling my blood

to raise money for the minskys.

Girl: There are easier ways

to raise money

Than selling your blood.

But i need my eyes.

No, johnny.

We can put on a benefit.

We can even televise it

on public access tv.

Hey, that means

i can perform my famous

armpit symphony.

Um, maybe it would be

better if we made you

master of ceremonies.

I'll do it!

I don't know what it means,

but i like the word master.

Girl: Give me a camera angle

on stage two.

Refocus those scoops.

Do we have tone?

Where are my color bars?

Come on! Let's get

this baby on tape.

I have to be in bed by 8:00.

We're ready, johnny.

Try not to think

before you speak.

Just read from the prompter,

and you're on in 5, 4, 3

Good evening, i'm johnny bravo.

Tonight, we're gathered for

a very important cause.

A cause we like to call

jerky relief.

Imagine a world without

high-sodium jerky.

Well, i don't want to live

in that world.

If you don't either,

call this number

Unless you're a pretty mamacita.

In which case, call this number

and ask for me.

And now let's get

this bad boy started.

Few people realize how

a cupped hand and a bare armpit

Can produce the magic

we call harmony.

Carl: Excuse me,

johnny!

You forgot

to introduce me.

Quiet, you weed.

I just want everyone

to know that

I'll be manning

the tote board.

And every time they call in

with a donation,

The number's will get higher

and higher and higher

and higher! Ha ha!

And now a little suction,

a little sweat

And here's the music

that you get.

Psst! Johnny!

Just introduce pops.

Oh, yeah.

You're right.

Better to build

the suspense.

Ladies and gentlemen,

prepare to be astounded.

He's not as pretty as me,

but then again, who is?

Ha! You know him, you love him,

you've sent back his chili

Give it up for the magical

stylings of the great popsini.

Thank you!

Thank you!

The illusion

i'm about to perform is

incredibly dangerous

For my assistant.

Bobo,

get in the basket.

Bobo!

Sword, please.

Hey, little girl,

my pits are tuned up

and ready to sing.

Am i on next?

But, johnny, an act

like yours deserves to be

Um, the finale.

Fine, as long as

i'm not last.

Great.

I will now immerse the basket

in a tank of ravenous,

man-eating piranha.

Upon my mystical command,

i will raise the curtain

And reveal bobo

to be safe and sound.

Yada, yada,

et cetera, whatever.

Thank you!

Oh, poopy!

Hang on, bobo!

Bobo!

Why?

Sweet heavens, why?

Bobo fine.

Oh, thank you!

Yay!

That was great.

Did you ever see

the trick where

The guy pulls the bunny

out of a hat?

I mean, how does he do that?

Does he have a bunch

of bunnies in there?

How does he fit them all in?

Mama: Johnny! Johnny,

calm down and introduce me.

We take you now,

via live remote to my mama.

Can you hear me, mama?

I can hear you fine,

dear. Don't shout.

What you going to

do for us, mama?

I wanted to do a little

something for the kids,

So i'm going to take

my big fat hog

And leap over

14 monster trucks.

Wiggy.

Here i go!

Don't do drugs.

[engine revving]

[tires squealing]

Nice ride, mama.

You raised a lot of money.

Thank you, dear.

Don't slouch.

And wipe your face.

You have a little smudge.

Hiyah!

Hiyah!

Hey, nunchuk chicks!

Girl: Johnny!

Oh, right.

Ok, armpit time.

Hold on to

your hats.

Some of these notes

only dogs can hear.

Carl: Aren't you

forgetting something,

johnny?

No.

It's time for

my big number.

Ahh. All right.

Here's carl in

a stupid costume.

Thank you!

You're a beautiful crowd.

I'd like to pick up the pace

a bit now with a little ditty

that's a favorite of mine--

And i hope one of yours.

Maestro.

[singing wagner's

die valkure]

What do you mean

the chimps' bus broke down?

Will they be here

anytime soon?

Ok, bye. I'll never work

in public access again.

la la la-ah

la la la-ah ah

Ow! Whoa!

[glass breaks]

[applause]

We're getting closer

to what you all want, folks--

The finale.

But first put

your hands together for

The hilarious sketch comedy of

the tingblat family chimps.

No chimps!

Huh?

I'm sorry, mr. Minsky,

i let you down.

Don't feel bad, johnny.

I knew you'd let me down.

Here, i saved the last stick

of jerky for you.

That's right kindly

of you.

Hey, what's this?

Johnny, you've won

$10,000 in the jerky

sweepstakes!

10 gs! Aw, mama!

Think of all the crud i can buy.

Candy, comic books,

live bait

Aw, man, i can buy

my blood back!

Take care, minsky.

Oh, i almost forgot.

How much do i owe you?

Well, let's see,

$1.03 times 9,900,

carry the 3

$10,000!

I always thought this place

was a bit pricey.

Man: And these are

the prehistoric tar pits

Where dinosaurs became trapped

while looking for food

And sank to an oozy death.

I suppose when your brain's

the size of a cashew,

You're too stupid to avoid

walking into a lake

Of sticky, disgusting tar.

This way, please.

Aah!

[engine running, beeping]

Cement truck.

Johnny?

Can't talk, mama.

Cement truck.

Blank canvas for the artist.

First, a moment

to prepare.

I'm blind.

My face is hardening.

Hey, johnny,

look what i made.

It's a computer made

entirely out of nougat

And recycled

aluminum cans.

Ah! You broke it!

You big,

clumsy, brainless,

insensitive oaf!

I'm still

your best friend,

though, right?

Aah!

Careful, johnny.

My begonias,

they're ruined!

Honestly, johnny,

Sometimes you can be

so thoughtless.

[mumbling]

Hi, johnny, will you hold

my balloon for me while

i tie my shoe?

Huh? Oh, sure, kid.

Hiyah!

Could you put

your finger on the bow?

Like this?

My balloon!

Oh, johnny!

[sobbing]

oh, johnny!

Everyone hates me.

Mama, weasel boy,

what's her face

I'm just a big, stupid,

stupid head.

I wish i'd never been born.

Ah! Oh, dear! Oh, my!

I'm fine.

Wiggy.

Hey, are you an angel?

Duh, yes.

The name's maurice.

And i'm here to ease

your pain and anguish.

Uh, i'm over it.

But i'm going to show you

what the world would be like

If you'd never been born.

Maybe later.

I'm going to go

watch tv.

Listen, you!

How am i going to earn

my halo is you don't play along?

Now close your eyes,

rub my head,

And click your heels

together.

It ain't gonna happen.

Oh, all right.

Is there a movie

on this flight?

No.

Can i get one of them

tiny pillows?

No!

Give me a bag

of peanuts.

Quiet! Pay attention!

Johnny: Hey, this is where

carl's house used to be.

It still is

carl's house, johnny.

Well, it's about time

you got here.

The jacuzzi's around back

And don't skimp

on the chlorine.

Open your eyes,

cheddar head,

it's me, johnny.

Did he go blind

or something?

Carl doesn't

know you anymore

Because you were

never born.

Is that true, carl?

You don't know me?

I'm too important

to know you.

After all, i'm

the multibillionaire inventor

Of the nougat 2000,

the electronic marvel

That revolutionized

the computer industry.

I shudder to think

what my life would be like

If i'd hung out with

an overstuffed macho monkey

like you.

Why, you lit--

I am also a master

of quai don h* man fu.

Guards, remove him!

Whoa!

Well, johnny,

what have you learned?

Uh, carl's better off

without me being born?

Oh, johnny, do you

really think that

Money, power,

and beautiful women

equal happiness?

Yeah.

Let's move on, shall we?

Johnny: What happened

to pop's place?

This is pop's diner,

johnny.

Good evening,

senator, duchess

Go right in.

Yeah, it's me, bobo.

Now, step aside.

I say,

have you a reservation,

my good man?

Johnny bravo.

Oh, here it is.

Welcome to pop's.

Enjoy your meal,

gentlemen.

Johnny: Wow! Look at this place!

I got to find pops.

Hey, pops!

Thank goodness

you haven't changed.

Give me the usual.

And just what might

that be, stranger?

Pops, don't you

know me?

Me and that dufus carl

used to hang out here

all the time.

You mean

carl krynziziziwich?

Why, that dufus

built the computer plant

That put this town

on the map!

If it weren't for him,

i'd still be serving up

road k*ll

And calling it

filet mignon.

Nobody talks that way

about carl in my joint.

Bobo!

Uh-oh.

Aah! Oh!

I don't get it,

maurice.

Pops is better off

without me, too.

Yes, but think

of his enormous

Tax burden!

And the payoffs

to the health department

Ah, can it!

Everybody's happier

without johnny.

Except for mama, right?

Well, actually

I bet mama

will still know me.

She's got to!

No, johnny, don't!

Oh, poopy.

Ha! I knew it.

Nothing's changed.

Mama! Mama, let me in.

What the--whoa!

State your age

and identification.

Mama! It's me, johnny!

I have no agents with

the code designation johnny.

But, mama, i'm your

little baby boy.

I have no son.

That's why i was able

to devote my life

To my one true love:

International espionage.

No!!

What's the matter, dear?

You look a little flushed.

Small fry to madame x,

come in, please.

Say, it's the kid next door.

She ain't changed much.

Have you decided

to meet my demands,

Or must i destroy cleveland?

Excuse me, sweetheart.

I have to take this.

Whoa! Oh!

Hiyaa!

Well?

Uh, i don't know.

I actually

thought she put on

a little weight.

In those shoes, i--

Oh, i give up!

My boss was right.

You are nothing but

a big piece of meat

with a mouth hole.

The world's

a much better place

without you.

I'll never

get my halo.

Wait a minute.

Something's missing.

Where's the imprint

of my face?

It's not there,

you kumquat.

You were never born,

remember?

Then this world is

johnny's face-in-cementless.

This entire planet is being

deprived of my pretty.

Yes, that's right,

johnny.

I can't let

that happen.

I want to live,

maurice.

I want to live!

Sure,

whatever works.

Now, if you'll

excuse me,

There's a guy

stuck in a well

in oregon.

See you later,

monkey boy.

Not if i see you first,

you wing-flapping wahoo.

My face!

Everything's back to normal!

Hi, johnny.

Hello, my little

neighbor girl!

Hello, you dweeby,

fungus-collecting dork!

Johnny, what's gotten

into you?

Mama!

Whoa!

You know what

they say, johnny.

Every time an overstuffed

macho monkey

Falls face forward into cement,

an angel gets his halo.

That's right.

Way to go, maurice.

Way to go

[mumbles]

Johnny: Look out!