02x09 - Queeks, Queeks, Who's Got the Queeks?/Alfred, Lord of the Jungle

[bunniefuu]

oh

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no mommy no hey

can't the man get 18 on the stars asleep

in his own cave

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this is interminable an abomination

interfering with my important labels

oh no

not more work my plate is so full

already

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this calls for immediate action

there done

i wonder if it's time for lounge

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oh i almost forgot this is for you

to whom it may concern

the casual wits have kidnapped creeks oh

what a shame well potato surprise oh yes

don't mind if i do guys

they've kidnapped queeks yes so we

understand we gotta do something we

can't just sit here just so absolutely

true indeed

guys let me guess they want the great

ragged rock of alboncatine or we'll

never see him again yeah how did you

know that

those casual wits have coveted the great

rock for centuries but we'll never give

it up

because it's ours and our island

wouldn't be the same without you

actually it'd be entirely different

island you can't be serious come along

mike you've obviously not stood before

its mighty glory to believe its grandeur

its power its rockettude

this glorious piece of petrified stone

is the very same rock that caused the

wreck of the betty anne lo those many

years ago it's stinky it wore down it's

just a little rock and we're very proud

of it but you guys we're talking about

creeks here

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he'll be just fine look

i don't know where you come from oh all

right i do know where you come from but

back in new york we look out for our

neighbors we protect our own even if

they are loathe someone tooth old pains

in the behind don't worry dear but you

guys got it it's all shippy shape guys

i mean we got it nothing to fear what

would action guy do

time for

oh anyway action guy would kick some

action and that's just what i'm gonna do

look out queeks i'm coming as savior

the important thing is to pack light

yeah perfect

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okay

now it's perfect

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i've got to rethink this whole pack for

saving people thing i'll just take the

bear survival essentials shampoo

conditioner and the chair

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oh no i'm too late they've eaten quicks

who want to do that

but

he's alive as much as queeks ever is

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i never knew this island was so big

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quick

okay

let's see what would action guy do

he'd follow his nose of nosacity

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he's definitely here somewhere

quick

quick wake up i'm here to rescue you go

away

you're waking them up you're waking me

up

oh i should have pulled the other end

what are you doing shh i'm trying to

rescue you couldn't you have picked a

more decent art to rescue a person it's

the middle of the night what what

why back in my day rescuers had a little

more consideration creeks what i'm

trying to rescue you oh you're trying to

rescue me why didn't you say soho

rescuing is man's work stand back here's

how it's done

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i wonder if this qualifies as woman's

work

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they're after us we gotta get out of

here quick hang on i just woke up here i

need to brush my tooth and have my teeth

we don't have time for any of that let's

go all right all right i'm right behind

you but i'm telling you i can't keep

this pace up much longer

greeks you're going the wrong way

let go of me i bruise easily are you

crazy we have to go this way i forgot my

lotion it's a little embarrassing really

but i've got a rather bad case of eczema

you see this dry patch on my knuckle

it'll spread quick

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looks like they've missed us for now

come on we'll go this way

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that time out what i don't escape from

the rain there's no time out this isn't

a game we're running for our lives

that's when it rains here i'll get wet

and catch cold no thank you we must

build a shelter we meaning me

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you're going to tie that to that it'll

never hold do you want to help i am

helping now get back to work i'm getting

silk to the skin

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you call that a fire why my father is

ten times better than that pipsqueak

little smoky stick

how are you going to roast an ox stella

potatoes big bread and make those grips

with the little strawberries on top of

the creme fraiche that i like what what

hold on

my food isn't going to catch itself

funniest looking box i've ever seen this

is all i can find orders a turn up i'll

take the stick

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oh no it's happening again

your little buzzard i'll show you

or even a menace to harmless wildlife

all right since you're up let's get

moving

leave me be your sl*ve driver i never

ran before 10 30.

well

it looks like i got a couple hours to

wait

may as well wash my hair it's getting

that dull lifeless look that days and

nights of endless t*rture can bring know

what i mean

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[Applause]

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quakes

what happened to all the shampoo i used

it you gotta be kidding me not on my

head you goose

you ate my shampoo i wasn't all that

good but boy that conditioner

that's it i don't believe this this

is the last straw this has been the

worst rescue

in the history of all rescues it

couldn't possibly get any worse

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oh no

trapped that's right and you

never get to win

without these prisoners

presents

there you are

where's my eczema cream yeah we're very

sorry

please take it please

it's cold why didn't you hate it up

don't kid's got no feelings for an old

man please this is everything we have

just take it

and take him

away

please you have to take it and him well

all right yes

quick

not very popular are you quick

i like me

oh back so soon quite frankly i don't

think they wanted him well of course

they didn't what did they give you to

take him back everything they had

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again oh splendid let's have a look

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oh diamonds of the highest quality this

black pearl is rare perfection a golden

teapot oh

i'm in positive heaven well you lost

pipe down

i'm old i'm tired and if i don't get it

every sleep i'm going to get crazy

it's not worth it

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ain't no carry on

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oh

oh

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this promises to be my best documentary

ever

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what the devil

my best landing yet

great only been here two seconds and

already threatened by a barbarous

tribesman armed to the teeth well this

may well be the first time civilization

has touched this uncharted unexplored

prehistoric primordial steaming teeming

savage lost jungle island

he speaks a primitive language of sorts

noble

savage do not be frightened me

nature chaser

it's very nice to meet you

simply astonishing this man creature

speaks english like gibberish um if

you're all right i think it's time for

tea tata it's probably not wise but i'm

going to follow this specimen back to

his tribal layer

okay everyone this is the naked chaser

oh lovely

that was a close call as you can see the

female is even more aggressive than the

male but you're welcome to join us for

lunch looks like i'm too late they've

already shrunk in their heads but

actually those are matzah ba*ls you

speak english oh and an itsy bitsy bitty

francaise hey i recognize you now you're

that nature guy from tv your

documentaries are seen all over the

world i'd do anything to be a part of

your show well i could use an assistant

whoa an assistant to the director i got

some great ideas and i want to hear

everyone but first you need to learn

some important lessons i'm in lesson one

how to prepare my tea two sugars no milk

go

hi i'm princess lu the regalis girl on

the island and this is my turtle

lancelot

say hi lancelot

lancelot

say hi

this is my home here's your tea two

sugars

brilliant lesson two in filmmaking see

if you can't find a doughnut lying about

you are about to show me your feral

native dwellings right this way

this is my bedroom don't you love the

wallpaper i picked it out myself i

wanted the pillows to match but my dumb

dad got me the wrong velvet

and this is my throne it's the biggest

throne on the island i like to sit on it

you want to watch me sit yes well i

think we've got what we need oh but wait

i didn't show you my stuffed animal

collection cut

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oh my i i didn't expect you so soon

don't those things add ten pounds

sorry we didn't have any donuts but i

made you this pastry thingy special

sweetheart do you see that little red

light on the camera yeah lesson three

when the little red light is on we do

not disturb the filmmaker so get lost

sorry now the mighty chief of the album

nation my dad

what grave tribal dealing does he

preside over today oh i was just um

in the middle of some very important

collating collating

yes

correlating

tribal

god

excuse me mr chaser um i have an idea

maybe you could um let me let you in on

a little secret lesson four to learn one

must first observe understood yes sir

good

now

go fetch my lip balm ready

great here we are about to witness the

very creation of authentic primitive

artistry

tell us

is this stone idol a tribute to some

ferocious warlike volcano god who

demands ritual sacrifice oh

not entirely it's actually a sculpture

of my great auntie wilhelmina a

ferocious knitter as resident historian

i can tell you her story is quite

limiting

and we've hiked up this mountain to the

cave of the fabled island witchdock

we've no idea what diabolical ritual

what dark sorcery what primordial

madness we might see can't an old man

wash his undergarments in peace cut

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am i kidding this is going to be the

lamest documentary in the history of

lame documentaries uh look can we talk

for a moment

right here

i need someone who's not afraid to take

a risk give it his all powerful fearless

resourceful heroic able

i need

a lord of the jungle but that's me

isn't it uh no

sort of me no

sir if if you give me another chance i

will be your lord of the two i will make

you proud that's the spirit now remove

that arrow and follow me if you're going

to be a lord of the jungle you'll have

to talk to animals

just listen and repeat and rolling

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that was great thank you

in this shot let's get you sticking your

head in this crocs mouth

i make a pot

what a rush now you give it a go rolling

okay alfred you can do this

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i'm doing

it i'm out

doing it

how is that observe the exquisite

fluttering beauty of the blue morpheus

sorry missed it once more from the top

okay

vine swinging remember just one thing

don't let go

don't let go

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alfred there you are congratulations

you've done it i have your romp with the

elephants looks magnificent and you're

vine swinging except for that splatty

part at the end we've got some great

footage

i'll get you yet

no no no don't do that you're far too

warrior-like for that kind of hunting

now

now in this scene we have alfred lord of

the jungle pitted in heated battle

against the fiercest warrior of the

opposing tribe the mighty wendell lights

camera

hold it

where's my lunch

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and action

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how was that i won i won i am afraid

lord of the jungle i am a star

makeup turd

in this scene our alfred must rescue a

beautiful damsel in distress

pick me pick me i'm ready for my

close-up how about my margaery i'd

rescue her any day no no not right too

old

no i need someone more believable young

naive easily manipulated

mike

what now chew your food put this on and

be ready in 10 minutes you want me to

wear a dress

that's it i've got enough of this

production tea doughnut shirts and all

i'm out of here i don't think so

if you'll look closely at your contract

page 75 paragraph 9 line 11 it clearly

states that the party of the first part

you under direction of the party of the

director part me will wear a dress yes

i can't believe i signed that thing

alfred help me out here i'll be in my

trailer

okay primitives this is the final scene

so i want to see everything larger than

life and lots of dancing

and action

i don't want to do this

look scared all right fine

whoa

i'm

so scared

now that's acting

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this is great the carnage the wreckage

the complete breakdown of this island

civilization

i love it i'm going to be rich i'm going

to be famous i'm going to be oh no

my work don't worry it's okay

um

cut

no

my camera i've lost my film my

documentary everything

well not everything i do have this

backup camera

okay

let's start again and cue the crocodile

alfred where are you going i need you i

need you to be my lord of the jungle

actually i think i'd wanna just be me

marjorie

mike

mike i could really use a double mocha

cappuccino right now let me give you a

little lesson about filmmaking

get your own cappuccino well at least

you're here open wide wider

closer

closer

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ain't no carry on

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oh my god