01x01 - Hot Tub

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: This is the
Drawn Together house,

where 8 different
cartoon characters.

From all over the
animated universe.

Will live together in
front of a million cameras.

Introducing princess Clara,

a musical and bigoted
fairy-tale princess.

Wooldoor Sockbat,

a f*cking annoying,
wacky whatchamacallit.

Foxxy love...

A mystery-solving
musician with a sweet a*s.

Toot, a black-and-white
heartthrob from the '20s.

Plus, she's fat.

Ling-Ling,

a sociopathic, Asian
trading-card battle monster.

Xandir, a totally g*y
video-game adventurer.

Spanky ham, a crass
internet download.

Who farts on ret*rds.

Captain Hero,

another person in the house.

This is...

The first-ever animated
reality television show, ever.

PRINCESS CLARA: The minute
I met my new house mates,

I felt like they were
members of my family,

only much, much poorer.

Hi. I'm princess... whoo!

I call dibs on the chair.

Yeah.

Wow.

Oh, what a cute dog.
Want a bone, fella?

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

♪ k*ll, k*ll, k*ll,
k*ll, die, die, die ♪

♪ k*ll k*ll... ♪

[MUTTERS]

Whoa.

[CAVALRY CHARGE PLAYS]

I'm Toot. I'm a sex symbol.

I am Xandir. I'm on a never-ending
quest to save my girlfriend!

Girlfriend! You
have a girlfriend?

When were you gonna tell
me about this girlfriend?!

But we just met,
like, 2 seconds ago?

Oh, yeah?

Well, can your stupid
girlfriend do this?

♪ La la ♪

[CHARLESTON PLAYING]

[CONTINUES SINGING BADLY]

Save yourselves!

[HOUSE MATES SCREAMING]

So, now do you still...
[PANTING]

[PANTING] Have a... girlfriend?

Huh?

Um... yeah.

Why do I always let
guys do this to me?!

Ah...

Sometimes I cut myself
to relieve the pain.

Hee hee hee. Toot.

I love you so much.
Oh, my god, I do!

Shut up. You do not...

Rack 'em, pig.

Hey, dungeons and
d*uche bags, you're up.

Can you believe this kid?

He's been on the phone
all day with his old lady.

Dude, I don't blame him.

The talent here is pretty weak, man.
I mean,

sure, I'd stick and stir
any one of these broads,

but, you know,

I really wish we had one
of those hot black chicks.

Bling bling! Foxxy's
in the house.

Oh, I'm pretty good at this.

I wish we had a 12-year-old
girl and a donkey.

Damn.

Hi. I'm Xandir.

Well, hello.

I'm glad you're finally here.

Would you be a dear and
fetch my bags, servant girl?

[ALL GASP]

Excuse me? What did you just call me?
"Servant girl"?

Oh, many pardons or... my bad.

What do you people call
yourselves these days...

Mammy, moolie, topsy, shwoogie?

Ha ha ha. Oh, my god.

She thinks you're our
servant 'cause you're black!

Ha ha ha ha. Oh, man.

This is the best day
of my miserable life.

Sweet!

I love racism.

Is you crazy?!

Uh-uh. Lemme loose now.

Why you frontin' my sh*t, b*tch?

You must be twilight zonin'.

You don't even know
who you be steppin' to.

Help, someone.

She's attacking me like
I'm the English language.

Oh, it is on.

[SHOUTING]

I call dibs on the catfight.

Why must I ruin
everything beautiful?

Now, what was that
b*tch thinkin'?

Foxxy ain't a sl*ve to nobody.

Nobody but the rhythm.

[MUSIC PLAYS] Ohh. Hey. Ohh...

Ahem. You best stay
out of my way, b*tch,

or you gonna be dead.

Aah! Unh!

I thought those people
picked banjos, not fights.

I was so up set about
what Foxxy had done.

I sure hope this comically
misleading nose job.

Makes me feel better.

Hey! Not bad!

XANDIR: After the fight,
things got super uncomfortable.

You could, like,
totally cut the tension.

With, like, a plus-6 sword.

I mean, why is this happening?

We were such good
friends to start.

[SOMBRE SONG PLAYS]

FOXXY: It's like this, right?

Because of that
dumb princess b*tch,

everybody thought Foxxy
love was a loose cannon.

Now, Foxxy may be loose,
but she ain't no cannon.

I needed to make things
right, and quick.

Bling bling.


Damn.

Crap the bed, uncle fred.

Foxxy's got us a buttload of booze.
Yeah.

Hells, yeah.

Whoo, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Hey, pig, great news.

Foxxy just bought us an
insane amount of alcohol.

Are you defecating
into a cantaloupe?

[FARTING]

This is awkward.

I guess if I just
waited an hour,

I could've chalked this
one up to the booze, huh?

Hey, listen, let's not live
in the past, all right?

Come on, guys, let's party.
Whoo-hoo!

[RAP SONG] ♪ here we go ♪

♪ This is how we do it ♪

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Smells like mommy's kisses.

Suck! Suck! Suck...

Hee hee. Toot.

[LAUGHTER]

She did not... She
did not just do that.

k*ll! k*ll! k*ll! k*ll!

This is the life.

[FARTS]

Spanky! Spanky, you farted!

SPANKY: Gambled and won. Ha!

CLARA: I was trying
to enjoy myself,

but I sorta got the
feeling I wasn't wanted.

But I wasn't sure, because
Foxxy's hand got all blurry.

I mean, she may
have been waving.

Or going like this...

Or like this...

Or like this.

Oh.

Oh, Xandir, I sure hope
you don't push me in,

'cause I'm really,
really close to the edge.

So close, in fact, you
could easily push me in.

OK, maybe it was just me.
That's definitely a possibility,

but I don't know. All night,

it kind of seemed like Toot.

Was on a really annoying
crush for attention.

Hey, Xandir, got any beads?

I'm standing under
the mistletoe!

I swear to f*cking god, I'll
chop my f*cking head off!

[PFFFT]

Would you just put
in me, already?

Even if you just
need a place to pee!

I, uh, am on a
never-ending quest...

[MUFFLED]

[CRIES]

I knew what Xandir was
trying to tell me...

That I was fat.

And guys aren't into
real women anymore.

I was so mad. I guess
that's why I did what I did.

[RING]

What? This is who?
Xandir's girlfriend?

Are you sure?

Because Xandir's never mentioned
anything about a girlfriend.

I'm on a never-ending quest
to save my girlfriend.

Girlfriend. Girlfriend.

[MUFFLED] Girlfriend.

And we talk all the time.

About everything.

Oh, hey, OK .

Ooh, right on the bum.

[SOBS]

♪ Tra la la la la la ♪

[SOBBING]

I saw princess Clara
with tears in her eyes,

and, man, nothin' reminds
me of my first time.

Like a chick cryin'.

Aw, poor hot girl. What's wrong?

Unless I was
completely mistaken,

Spanky ham seemed like
the kind of person

I could open up to,

so we found a private
room in the house.

Where we could have
a serious talk.

[SOBS] Oh, why does
Foxxy hate me so?

It's not like I'm the
one who made her black.

No, no, no. That's
nobody's fault but her own.

You know what you should do?

Apologise?

If that'll get you
out of that robe.

So I can check out that precious
vertical smile of yours.

I don't see why I
should apologise.

I mean, where I come from,
all my servants are black...

Or worse.

Yeah, but, honey,
where you're from,

inanimate objects
spring to life.

And spew silly catch phrases.

What you talkin' about, pig?

No. He's right, blue ball.
Maybe I should just apologise.

Usually, Clara looks
to us for advice,

but this time, it
came from Spanky.

It's a good thing, too, because I was
gonna tell her to sh**t the president.

[g*nsh*t]

I gave him a I'll
somethin' somethin'.

Foxxy, I want to apologise.

Aw.

You can apologise...

By shuttin' the f*ck up.

I don't blame you
for being mad, Foxxy.

After all, your people
do have terrible tempers.

Oh, this is one
messed-up apology,

and the b*tch just
kept on goin'...

It must be so frustrating that you're
not as buoyant as regular people.

And goin'...

Heck, 2 separate
water fountains.

Just means shorter
lines for everybody.

And then she said somethin'
that explained it all.

And father always made us cut up
those plastic six-pack holders.

So they wouldn't get lodged
in your people's blowholes.

Father is so wise.

Blowholes? You
hear that, America?

Blowholes.

Oh, I can't be mad at Clara.

She's just a idiot.

Who's been listenin' to her
bigoted papa for way too long.

It's not her fault.

Girl, Foxxy love.

Is gonna teach you how
to open up your mind...

And your mouth.

Oh, my god.

CLARA: ♪ what is this
thing in my mouth? ♪

♪ It's slippery...
And it's slimy ♪

♪ Travelling down my slender
virgin pink oesophagus ♪

♪ Some black chick's tongue ♪

[BOING] ♪ it's such
a new sensation ♪

♪ I got a mayonnaise mama ♪

♪ On my lickin' hole ♪

♪ And we've only just begun ♪

♪ It's really quite thrilling ♪

♪ That's right, now you know ♪

♪ I think I taste a filling ♪

♪ And it's solid gold ♪

♪ I never dreamed I
would be so willing ♪

♪ To let myself go ♪

♪ Tell me about it ♪

♪ I'm totally frenchin'
a r*cist 'h* ♪

BOTH: ♪ this black
chick's tongue ♪

CLARA: ♪ what a
wonderful feeling ♪

♪ Damn, where'd this
b*tch get her earrings? ♪

♪ I've never had so much fun ♪

BOTH: ♪ as with this
black chick's tongue ♪

♪ How cool is this? ♪

♪ We've only been here a day ♪

♪ And I already find myself ♪

♪ In a 3-way ♪

This is nice.

[GIGGLING AND
CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[SIGHS]

[EXHALING FROM BLOWHOLE]

Ohh! I'm trapped
inside a fart bubble!

I'm free! Ha ha!

I'm free! I'm free! I'm free!
I'm free!

Uh... wait!

My immune system!

I'm not strong enough to
live outside the bubble!

Aaah-ha!

Morning, Toot.

I... I'm on a never-ending...

Ending quest to save
your girlfriend.

Blah, blah, blah. We know.

Hey... did you get my message?

No. What message?

Oh... that's right...

I didn't leave you one.

Last night, your
girlfriend called.

She did?! Oh, my god!

Wait. OK. What did she say?

Yeah, something about
knowing her exact location.

And needing you to save her.

What?! But... Why
didn't you get me?!

Oh, it was no biggie.
I told her you were busy.

Hot-tubbing with a couple
of emaciated lesbos.

So she said not to call back...
ever!

I'm making coffee. You want?

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
[HYPERVENTILATING]

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

I was, like... who was that?

Was that me?

It was! And guess what?

I liked it!

So, fine. If I can't
be the sex symbol,

I can definitely be the...
b*tch!

MAN: Oh... yeah!

[HUMMING A ROMANTIC TUNE]

So, how was your
night, princess?

♪ Ah ♪

Oh... it was magical.

You think what happened
last night was magical?

I mean, maybe it
would be magical.

If you were violated
by a magician.

[GASPS]

But Foxxy's not a
magician, now, is she?

Violated? But I thought...

It's not your fault.

It's not completely your fault.

[SQUIRTING]

I was violated!

I want Foxxy love gone!

[INDISTINCT]

Hmm. I don't know if a
tequila brunch would help.

I guess it's worth a try.

[BRASS BAND PLAYS LA CUCARACHA]

That was a terrible idea!

I was totally violated... again!

I want Foxxy love gone!

You shittin' me.

She claimin' I violated her?
Against her will?

I never met anybody who
don't want to kiss Foxxy.

Except... maybe papa.

And now the producers
are asking us to vote.

Say what?!

On whether or not we feel safe.

Keeping you in the house.

Say where?!

This is some f'd-up s!
I am so mad!

I've been stuck like
this for 3 hours.

You know this vote
is total crap.

She was totally into it.

You saw us tongue-bangin'.

Sorry, Foxxy... But
if I vote you out now,

I'll be one step closer
to the million dollars.

Million dollars?

You know this ain't one of
them kind of shows, right?

Ain't no prizes.

Ah, silly Foxxy.

She'll never win
the million dollars.

With that attitude.

"Sorry, babe. I'm just
worki" the angles...

And these g*ns.

Fine, vote me off.

They'll just replace me
with some other minority.

Probably a Mexican. I hope you
like beans and ill*gal relatives.

Hidin' in every drawer, as*h*le!

Yo. Gaystation two.

You're votin' Foxxy out, right?

I'm not stickin' around to vote.
OK?

I'm on a never-ending quest
to save my girlfriend...

And she's in trouble!

You know, from the second that
kid set foot in this house,

all he's been saying is,

[MOCKINGLY] "I'm on a never-ending
quest to save my girlfriend."

Where are all the paper towels?

Oh, no! I think my
watch is broken.

Grapes are fun. [CHUCKLES]

Dicks.

Dude, you are so whipped.

How many lives have you spent
on this "girlfriend," anyway?



not counting quad-forces
and power-ups.

Yeah, well, if you ask me,

she keeps getting
kidnapped on purpose.

I see it all the time.
Chicks just want me.

To swoop in, fondle
'em, and save 'em.

'Course, by the
time I get there,

they're totally fine
or already dead.

Either way, there'll be
some serious fondling.

Could the studly hero be right?

Was she... just...
Trying to control me?

Sorry, but I don't think so.

Now, excuse me, but...

[TEARFULLY] I am on...

A never-ending quest...

To save my girlfriend!

[SNIFFLES]

Now, good-bye!

♪

[PEOPLE YELLING]


k*ller tornado hit,

and it's still chaos out here,

some 300 homes decimated.

You can understand that after
the first couple of days.

It was difficult to
tell who lived where.

And what happened to everyone.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

[WEEPING]

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Don't worry, Ling-Ling.
Things will be so much better.

After we vote that Foxxy
love out of the house.

Really, Ling-Ling?

I never thought of it that way.

Could that thing be right?

Was my father actually
a r*cist b*stard?

And was I really
sounding like him?

But, Ling-Ling...

Unhh! All my life
father has taught me.

That black people are...

Well, that is true.

I did come here to
experience new things.

So I really ought to
keep an open mind.

Thanks, little friend.

Now I need to go stop this vote!

Oh, Mitsubishi.

Uhh! Get off the bed, Ling-Ling!

[DING DING DING]

[SHOUTING]

What the Toot?!

Aaahhh!

Waahh!

Aah! Aah, aah, aah!

♪ k*ll! k*ll! k*ll! ♪

SPANKY: So, anyway, we
gathered in the living room.

To vote, and to be honest,

I was totally lookin' forward.

To voting that hot
black chick out.

Oh, wait a minute. Not voting.

I mean eating!

Hey, kid, you're back.

[MOCKINGLY] I thought you
had to save your girlfriend.

I was. But then I...

I thought about what
you said, Captain Hero,

about her controlling me...

And I realised...

No.

Not this time.

Not... this... time.

Wait! I have something
I need to say.

I know I was the one who
wanted Foxxy out of the house,

but that is no longer the case.

This b*tch flip-flops more than
the footwear of the same name.

I realise I have unfairly
judged Foxxy's actions.

Through glasses made of hate
and racial insensitivity.

But now, thanks to
Ling-Ling's help,

I am taking off those glasses.

And putting in coloured contacts
of tolerance and understanding.

I now see Foxxy for
who she truly is...

A strong woman, a human being,

and most importantly, a friend.
A black friend.

And I think we all benefit
from keeping Foxxy.

So, who's with me? Do I hear one vote?
One vote to keep her?

Come on, guys, she's
a good, hard worker.

She's healthy, and she's got
a strong load-bearing back.

Mmm? I got one. I got one vote.

Do I hear 2? Do I hear 2 votes?

Check out these
strong pink gums.

She obviously comes from good stock.
Do I hear 2?

Oh, I got 2. Do I hear 3?


What do you people
call yourselves, again?

Oh, it's on, b*tch.

[INDISTINCT YELLING
AND SHOUTING]

[SHOUTING AND YELLING]

FOXXY, SWEETLY: Oh,
wait a minute, now.

What you got? Princess: Mmm...

Yeah! Mmm.

[KISSING] Mmm. Mmm.

[LOUD PUNCH]

Get a little bossy, now.

Yeah, that felt good.

Just a appetiser, girl.

ANNOUNCER: This year
on Drawn Together...

XANDIR: We're all gonna die!

[THUNDER] Aah!

[SHOUTING IN JAPANESE]

Give me your hand!

Give me the ring!

I am god.

I said I'm on the phone!

Ohh!

You guys disgust me.

Rrreow!

I'm so fat! Aah!

Better go pack! Hee hee!

XANDIR: That big-mouth tr*nny.

Is gonna tell my
girlfriend I'm out!

She already knows.

SPANKY: Did you sleep with her?!

It's not what you think!

Are you as turned on as I am?

What?! I am so sorry!

[g*nsh*t]

SPANKY: That's a good oriental.

Now make a hundred more!

Hmm.

Great googly moogly!

The horror!

I'm with you, Jesus.

Oh!

Foxxy! What's the matter?

I am pregnant!

[SHOWER RUNNING]

[SOBBING]

[CRUNCH]