01x02 - Space

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ Kids' show, kids' show, ♪

♪ oh, good Lord, it's a kids' show. ♪

♪ Kids' show, kids' show, ♪

♪ change the channel for kids. ♪

Today's Wonder Showzen is brought to you by:

Oh, hey, kids.

Hi, Chauncy.

Today, we're celebrating space and white people.

Yay!

We're building our very own rocket ship, and one lucky kid

out there is going to get to come along on our space trip.

Yay!

Let's see who gets to come to space.

Who's it going to be?

Tymaine Brants-- come on up, Tymaine.

You're coming to space.

Hi, Chauncy.

Huh, you do realize this is the white people's show, right?

So, when are we going to space?

Oh, you excited about going to space?

You wanna see stars?

[smack]

[slide whistle]

[thud]

Oh, no, looks like he had some sort of an

accident of some kind.

Let's see which lucky kid gets to come to space.

Let's see, it's gonna be, uh, oh, Kaitlin Patcher.

That sounds pretty good.

Kaitlin Patcher, come on up.

Hi, Chauncy.

Oh, hi, Kaitlin.

I'm so happy to see your face.

Well, let's get on the rocket.

You ready, Kaitlin?

Yes, sir.

Well, count down with me.

[together.] Ten, nine, eight...two, one, blast off!

[engines roaring]

Don't litter...

or else God will tear your face off...

and feed it to a goat.

It's a goat thing.

What do you think about freedom of speech?

Is that important?

No.

Yeah, you're right.

Let's take a look at the movie.

Hi, I'm Clarence, and today, I'm learning about freedom.

Freedom--important.

We'll talk to this guy about freedom.

Hi, how you doing?

Fine, how are you?

I'm good.

We're talking today, to the kids, about freedom of speech.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, do you think freedom of speech is important?

Yeah.

Do you have a message about freedom of speech

for the children?

Um, just make sure that--

Okay, so go ahead and tell your message

right to the camera.

Just make sure--

You can say whatever you want.

Okay.

Go ahead.

Be well read--

Also, yes, speak about it.

Be well r--

Go ahead, use your mouth.

Be well read--

Use words.

Be well read.

Shut up.

Freedom of speech is--

Real loud, real loud.

Okay, freedom of speech--

Even a little quieter, little quieter, little quieter.

Okay, freedom of speech is--

Little bit louder.

Just a little, wait, start over little louder.

Freedom of speech is the essence of--

No, no, no, not like that.

Go ahead and say it right in the camera, real loud.

Freedom of speech--

No--shut it.

Go ahead.

Freedom of speech--

No, shut--shut up.

Go ahead.

Which one?

Freedom of speech is a right--

Okay, start over.

That's good.

Start over.

Freedom of speech--

Okay, yeah, that's good.

Start over.

Is a right--

Okay, yeah, that's good.

Start over.

Freedom of speech is very...

Okay, stop.

Go.

Is a nice...

Stop.

Go.

Choice.

Freedom of speech is--

Yeah, give your message.

Yeah, go ahead and give your message.

Is a wonderful--

Go ahead and give your message.

Zugnish!

Go ahead and read your message.

Zugnish.

What an annoying-a*s [bleep-ing hand puppet, man.

Just go ahead and give your message about

freedom of speech.

No, I'm not going to talk to you, because you're an

a*s-[bleep.]

Go ahead and give your message.

My message is, you're a putz.

Estados Unidos es un país...

Creo que es un... el país más poderoso del--

Comprende"shut up"?

Yes.

Okay, then.

Shut up.

Keep botherin' me, I'll throw this coffee in your face.

I'm gonna throw my coffee in your face.

I mean it.

Oh, is that a metaphor?

Get the [bleep] away from me.

You're harassing me.

Leave me alone.

Oh, that's good, yeah.

Talk about harassment.

What you're doing right now.

Yeah, that's good.

Tell that.

I'm for the kids.

Take that [bleep-ing] camera, and shove it up your a*s.

No, no, because that's not--

And don't follow me.

Now you're harassing me.

No, because--

No, no, no, no, you're harassing me.

Leave me alone.

Okay, tell the kids--

Don't follow me or I'll call a cop.

Tell the kids about--

Shut up.

Can you hold up the Bill of Rights?

Yes, and what do you think about that?

This is the Congress of the United States.

Can you tear it up?

Rip it.

Rip it?

Yeah, rip it up.

No, I can't do that.

No, no, do it for freedom, to demonstrate freedom.

I'm gonna give the Bill of Rights a kiss.

Go ahead.

Now, go a little further.

Slip some tongue in there.

Can you dry hump it?

Work it; work it; work it.

[ripping]

Oh, my God!

You're tearing up your rights.

Now, you make me in trouble now?

There's your rights.

There go your rights.

Your rights are going up in flames.

Oh, no, your rights!

I gotta put 'em out!

Ahh!

Your rights went up in flames.

Now, can I have a kiss on the burning lips?

Ah, I burned you with my freedom lips.

male announcer: And now:

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

White people, yay!

♪ White people having fun, ♪

♪ global domination over everyone. ♪

♪ White people smile so bright. ♪

♪ Genocide for anyone who isn't white. ♪

♪ White people: you're k*lling yourselves. ♪

Dear Grandma, Your bust enhancement surgery

looks beautiful.

I only wish you were alive to see it.

We could barely close the lid to your coffin.

Even the priest thought they felt real.

I'm sad now, but I know I'll see them headlights in Heaven.

Love, Jason.

What's the matter, you never see a black man

drive a nice car before?

♪ One spring day, popping boils on the bus, ♪

♪ he found a time portal in his butt. ♪

♪ Now he traverses history righting wrongs ♪

♪ for you and me.

[squish]

Wow, you know what this book says, my butt?

Huh?

It says that when the atom b*mb was invented and dropped on

Japan, mankind lost his innocence forever.

Huh?

But if Albert Einstein had never discovered the relativity

between matter and energy, the atom b*mb would

have never been invented.

Huh?

We can return that innocence to the planet.

We can make paradise on Earth once again.

Hop in.

[grunts]

[eerie music]

[pop]

[whispering] Now, all we gotta do is give Einstein the lobotomy

that's coming to him.

Huh?

Shh!

[metal clanking]

[saw noise]

♪ Ahh.

If his brain is broken, he can't invent no atom b*mb.

[squish]

[boing]

Let's pray to Jesus this works.

[grunting]

[plop]

For the sake of all mankind.

Einstein!

You better have something to show me today,

'cause the institute is ready to cut your funding.

Uh, you are my friend.

Can I have a hug, my friend?

It's working.

Don't touch me.

Let's see what you've gotten with your uranium particle

energy tests.

I like cabbage, my friend.

I like it.

I like cookies and cabbage.

I make a machine that make cabbage cookies.

Cabbage cookies for you, my friend.

A machine that makes cabbage cookies?

Great idea, Einstein.

[laugh] track

I make it for you.

This better be good, or you'll be on the next bus back

to Australia.

[click]

[expl*si*n]

Yuck Yuck Goose!

[pop

Whew, we barely made it out of there.

I gotta go take a piss.

Oh, my butt, you're in-cabbage-able.

[slide whistle]

♪ White people.

Come in, Chauncy.

How you doin' up there, Chaunc?

Oh, it's rough sailing up here, Wordsworth.

Yeah, you may feel nauseous when you hit zero gravity.

Oh, don't worry.

My stomach's empty.

Haven't eaten anything in over a week.

It's just--blech.

I'm hungry.

We're in space.

We're in space.

We're in space.

This is so much fun, I'm getting a bloody nose!

Look, Kaitlin, you can see the earth from here.

[gasps] It's so beautiful, just like God made it.

I don't know what you been huffin', girl, but there ain't

no such thing as God.

[expl*si*n]

[crying] You made God mad.

Everything's fine, kids.

Distract yourself with these commercials.

[whispering.] Wonder Showzen.

Well, the rapture's coming in about ten minutes,

so cartoon me.

male narrator: They give hope to those who

never thought hope would come.

I need CCs of silicone, stat.

narrator: A noble team of Cali-cool cosmetic surgeons

traverse the world to put a pretty face on global disaster.

Damn it, I'm not going to let you die before your boob job.

narrator: They are: Whether in famine-ravaged

Cambodia...

Can I have some of that food?

No, you can't eat for hours after

your lip injections.

Your stomach is bloated, so we'll get that stapled, and then

we're going to remove that little bump from your nose.

Can I feed the bump to my children?

Now, the good news is, you don't have laugh lines.

What is laughter?

She's got great cheekbones.

I know a supermodel who would k*ll for those.

Are you willing to accept that deal?

Yes.

narrator: Or in the w*r-torn Middle East...

Stepped on a land mine, huh, bro?

Well, congratulations.

You just lost pounds in one day.

But you still have a lot of cellulite on this thigh.

We'll lipo that out and put in some calf implants.

We're going to put a cleft in your chin to draw attention away

from this gaping head wound.

The eye will be drawn downward toward the dimple.

Where is your eye, anyway?

narrator: Even in the deepest depths of Detroit...

We're going to remove the black skin that's been

oppressing you and stuff and put on some new,

synthetic white skin.

Up top, bro.

Yo, [bleep,] get the [bleep] away from me.

narrator: And all the lucky victims are entered in a beauty

pageant to see who will be crowned Miss Fortune.

This summer, when it comes to human suffering,

appearance is everything.

How sexy is your soul?

That's r*cist!

Oh, well, the earth blew up, and now we're all alone in

space...space...space.

We have to wait till you grow up and repopulate the universe.

Mr. Chauncy, I don't think our children

would turn out right.

[spooky] music

[dramatic] music

Breaking news at this hour.

A freakish maniac is terrorizing people on the streets.

The freak-beast alert level has been raised

from ban-aniac yellow to goat-scrote blue.

In a related story, advances in genetic technology have allowed

parents to customize their babies in the womb with such

awesome accessories as a cup holder, built in CD player,

four wheel drive, and acne that spells out the name

of your favorite band.

And now to our child stunt-porter, High Fly Chicken

Guy, in the weather hoagie.

Loogie?

Hi, I'm Trevor, and I'm at the New Jersey Blood Center,

and today, I'm learning about blood.

[upbeat] music

♪ Kids on the beat.

♪ Kids on the street.

♪ Beat Kids.

♪ Beat Kids.

So are you kicking out some vein gravy today, buddy?

I sure am.

Would you like your blood to go into a grape or a donkey?

A grape or a donkey?

Yeah.

A donkey.

A dead chipmunk or a dead giraffe?

Why dead?

This is Benny the Blood Fart, the mascot of the Blood bank.

He can do a special trick.

Let me see.

When you squeeze him, watch what he does.

[imitates] farting noise

Oh, crap, it's running down my arm.

Some good blood.

Would your rather have your blood go to

mind crime or genocide?

Neither.

Does wino blood get you drunk?

I don't think I've ever had anyone else's blood.

Here is to all the winos in the world,

and that's to you, Dad.

What happened if I switched my blood with a dog's blood?

Aye-yi-yi, that'd be horrible, I'd think.

[eerie music]

Arr--get it?

I'm a dog.

Oh, forget it.

You donate blood, and all you get are free cookies.

How do you get a steak around here?

Do you have to donate a lung?

Probably.

[coughing violently]

Gimme that steak!

Hey, you wanna have a blood fight later?

How do you do that?

Oh!

[laughing]

Yes, blood fight, blood fight!

Why dead?

Blood fight, blood fight, blood fight!

Why dead?

In loving memory of...

White people, yay!

Mr. Chauncy, we have to ask God to

put the earth back together.

Ask God?

Well, that's a great idea.

Only one problem.

The chump ain't real.

Well, we can't ask God for help unless you believe in God.

Well, I can't just magically believe in something that

I don't believe in.

Of course you can, Chauncy.

You mean, if I pretend hard enough, I'll believe?

♪ All you gotta do is pretend to believe. ♪

♪ Fib to yourself.

♪ It's okay to deceive.

♪ Just tell your mind to lie to your soul ♪

♪ and let the pride of God take control. ♪

♪ 'Cause all you gotta do is pretend to believe, ♪

♪ and you'll meet God up in Heaven. ♪

It's working.

I'm believing.

I'm believing.

[alarm buzzing

Oh, my God, look out!

[crash]

Self-deception.

That's where Whiskers went when he died...

my brother, Whiskers.

A coward's woobie.

When you order a six-piece nuggets, and they give you seven

and a switchblade.

That's where my legs are.

Keep kicking angels, boys.

Seven and a switchblade.

That's where drunk daddies drive to.

I'll never know.

A day with out my pills.

Pills! Pills!

Pills! Pills!

Pills! Pills!

When you mix up the letters of Heaven, you get...

[in satanic voice "death's design."]

God?

God?

Yes, Chauncy?

[gasps] It's God.

[bells clanging]

Excuse me, could you describe yourself in one word or less?

[cheesy music]

No.

We got to go to a farm.

Farms are America's backbone.

Farmers are America's dumb bone.

While we looked around the farm, the grown-ups had a key

party--wife swap.

Oh, cows.

Cows are reincarnated Hindus.

Indians!

[whooping]

Daddy!

Our priest.

Mommy still feeds me like that.

They smoke 'em beef pipe.

Milk that danged Hindu, Jethro.

He practices.

I caught him practicing in the bathroom.

This reminds me of something Ford said...about your mom.

That's what starving Africans eat.

They love it.

To a famine victim, a handful of wheat is like a steak dinner

with all the trimmings.

Hey, look, everybody, Muslim kryptonite.

Oh, snap, bravo.

Ah-salam malakim, piggies.

Malakim salami.

Shut up.

Jeremy christened those pigs.

With his body water.

But it wasn't very Christ-like.

Farmer Joe made us say a prayer to the dark lord named

Cromdar the Invincible.

There's Jeremy.

He was naughty, so we got to eat him--ha-ha.

There's Jeremy's nummy bicep.

Oh, there's his carrot.

Murderlicious, yummy.

Oh, snap.

I don't know when they slipped us the poison.

I think it was something in the milk.

We woke up to find we were Farmer Joe's c*ptive sl*ves.

Forced to toil in the name of Lord Cromdar.

That summer, I developed a crush on my sister.

Wait, that wasn't your sister.

It wasn't?

Yuck.

Yeah.

After two years, our parents were happy to see us.

We were happy to see them.

So we could sacrifice them in the dark holy

name of Lord Cromdar.

And that's what happens when you spend time with...

God, why did you blow up the earth?

I didn't like the way you honkey-a*s crackers

was keeping the black man down.

God, you have to put the earth back together.

[rumbling sound]

Oh, sorry.

I'm a little hungry.

I'll never put the earth back together again!

I need the space to open my theme restaurant called Rock,

Paper, Scissors, and Shrimps.

Oh, okay, tell you what.

Let's do rock, paper, scissors for the fate of the earth.

Let's do it, Chauncy.

One, two, three--

No!

Rock beats scissors!

You lose, loser!

Look, the earth is back together.

Wow, thanks, God.

You're the greatest...loser.

I've never lost anything before in my life.

It feels terrible.

[g*n c*ck]

It's not so--wait, God, no.

No, it's not so bad, God, no!

No, put down the g*n, please!

[g*nsh*t]

[horse whinnying]

Oh, no.

God is dead.

What are we going to do?

I'm so hungry.

What are we gonna do with him?

And yet I'm hungry.

And yet I don't know what we're going to do with God's body.

Gosh, Kaitlin, this meat is simply divine.

I've got the spirit in me, and it's nummy to my tummy.

Thanks, Kaitlin, for making me a believer.

Now, I believe I'll have another bite.

♪ Everything worked out great. ♪

Shalom.

Bye, white people.

Ugh...bye.

Today's Wonder Showzen was brought to you by

Whitey's God-tastic God Sauce.

"Lordy, that Lord meat is a*s-kickin' hot!"

♪ Good-bye, farewell, au revoir, adios. ♪

♪ We hope you enjoyed the show. ♪

♪ Thank you, my friend.

♪ We'll get you in the end.

♪ We hope to see you again.