02x04 - Western Energy

[bunniefuu]

[fancy cafe music playing]

[siiiiips]

Stolas.

Stella.

[siiiiips]

[siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiips]

C U Next Tuesday.

Witch.

Auuuugh!

f*ck. IMP. SUCKER!

Why did you insist on meeting me here?

Aaahem! We wanted to properly discuss the terms of this divorce.

I feel my darling sister deserves a bit more... compensation.

After all, you did CHEAT on the poor thing. Surely you owe...

Andrealphus, cheating implies there was a betrayal.

This woman never gave two shits about me or our very much arranged marriage.

As far as I'm concerned, this divorce is far overdue.

[Suspenseful music]

Up yours!

Stellaaaa, for f*ck sake, stop making this harder to bullshit!

[Breaking glass]

[sinister music]

[g*nshots]

Hyaaaagh!

Oh dear... this is worrisome

[Bird Ringtone]

Oh sh*t. Stolas!

It's really not a good time buddy...

Stolas: I'm sorry it's a bad time yet again Blitzy but um...

I seem to have found myself in a bit of a sitch.

I'm tied to the back of a horse at the moment

Pffft lucky b*tch...

Stolas: Um, well no, rather unlucky

Stolas: I seem to have been stolen by that little cowboy friend of yours

Ohh, which one?

How many cowboys do you know? [to stolas] What does he look like your highness?

[Western musical sting]

mmm... Sexy?

That's Striker sir!

Oh for f*ck sake! Can't you just get away? Arent you powerful?

I believe he has me bound with blessed rope, which limits my ability to free myself I'm afraid.

So, I think you should come save me.

Oh sh*t Stolas, I can't today alright? I'm sorry.

I-I'm literally on my way to take Loona in for her very important Hellbies S. H. O. T.

It takes years to book an appointment at this place, it took five to get this one.

and she's been doing a lot of field work so you know, she needs it

Oh, ha ha, well I do agree that is very important... but I-

Striker: Would you shut up already? I can hear you by the way.

Don't worry about your lanky birdy... He's in good hands.

Striker: [evil laughter]

Oh sh*t...

Am I in danger right now?

Gaaagh... Damn it

MILLIE: Sir, let me an Moxxie handle this one.

Okay, are you two sure you've got this alone?

We can do it sir, together we are a lethal combo

And we both have a score to settle with that dickhead

Alright, well hurry. Stolas sounds like he might be in real sh*t this time.

And knowing THAT guys aesthetic, my money's that he's in Wrath.

Now get your asses down there and look for some cowboy crap or something

Come on Loonie, come on this'll be over lickity split alright?

Christ on a stick! Of all the days for him to get his stupid feathered a*s kidnapped-

I have waited five f*cking years for this appointment!

f*ck ME IN MY LITTLE RED HOLE!!!

Hi. The f*ck you looking at?

Heya toots, I'm here for that S. H. O. T. for my Loonie Toonie

[laughs]

The what?

Ugh, the B. U. L. L. sh*t that my daughter has to get every year that you -

M. O. T. H. E. R. f*ck only allow us to schedule every five years

How the f*ck you f*ck up that bad anyway Titty Haver?

Oh I can't spell...

I can't read either

The f*cking Hellbies shot you f*cking reeeeeeee-

-eeeeeeally can't say that word anymore.

The appointment is under Blitz

uuuuuuuhm, I don't see any Blitz on the list

With and "O" it's silent you f*cking-

OH! an "O" right here yep, yep.

Blitzooooo, Blitzoooo

Yes well, we will be ready for her in just a bit. Please take a seat Mr. "O"

Perf

[Dog whimpering]

Oh don't worry Loonie. It's okay, It's just one little prick, you wont feel it.

Ew, don't say that, it sounds vulgar.

Excuse me?

Pervert!

[Striker's Theme Song begins]

Lyrics: "He's galloping over the dusty planes"

"Even the cacti know his name"

"If you don't want to die don't cross his path"

"The best assassin in the ring of Wrath"

"He's Striker! He's Striker"

"Sure shootin, darn tootin, his name is Striker"

"Gonna bring that bird back to his lair"

"With his magic rope and his western flair"

"He's very good at causing pain"

"And he loves to ride on the choo choo-"

"Dirty dealin"

"Prince stealin"

"He's a villain"

"Striker!"

"He's fast and strong and tall and mean"

"The foulest imp you've ever seen"

"He'll break your bones to hear 'em crunch"

"He like's to eat Pâté for lunch"

"He's Strik-"

"Striiikeeeeeer"

"ohhhmmm yeah yeaaaeeeyaaa

"He's Strike her"

"heeeee's stryiiiker, he's-"

SHUT THE f*ck UP!!!

I'M TRYING TO DO MY f*cking JOB-

YOU COMIN IN HERE SINGING ABOUT ME FOR THE-

MILLIONTH!

f*cking!

TIME!!!

LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE YOU FREAKS!!!

How does one get their own theme song?

Soooo, nice weather we're having huh?

Look mommy! They let fire toads in here!

The f*ck did you just call me?

Mother: It's not polite to call them that to their face honey-

wait until we're in the car

You got a problem with me C. U. next tuesday?

[Gasps]

There is a child present you filthy Wrathian

Oh I am not from Wrath b*tch

Also, my kids here too, and I dont think she would appreciate you calling her father...

"Things"

Is there any way we can reschedule for a time when less of the unemployed rabble are out

Oh please, I bet the hardest work you've ever done is convincing your husband that little shits his.

Oh yeah, and what do you do that's SO important

Me? Oh I k*ll people-

How does a two for one special sound wh*re?

MR. "O" the doc will see your hound nowww.

Moxxie: Crumbs!

I'll grab the gas Millie, go and see if anyone's seen Striker anywhere.

Biker: Hey q*eer boy!

You stealin my hat?

What?

Same hat.

Oh sorry. My wife just just put this hat on my head...

You know, because it was... hot... outside...

Saaame. Haaat.

[sighs] So we're doing this, huh?

MILLIE: Howdy boys!

Y'all seen this mother f*ck riding around here?

[Singing] He's galloping-

NO NO! No singing just a yes or no please.

Yeah, he lives out by the bad man lands, in the old train tunnel, near the mine shafts.

Very outlaw aesthetic, ya cant miss it.

Thank you kindly

Come on Moxx! We got a lead!

Stolas: So, my wife paid you for this hmm?

Wouldn't a holy b*llet have sufficed?

Or could you not afford those?

I was paid to give you the real royal treatment

Your wife must really hate you [laughs]

You have no idea-

- So... train tracks... really?

Seems a bit cliché doesn't it?

Its a classic.

Is the giant statue of yourself also a classic or...

[Irritated hissing]

Heh, are you seriously judging me right now? Stolas: I'm just impressed you seem to want to suck your own d*ck this badly.

Look, not every ring is some fancy a*s city, with some fancy a*s mansion- -that only fancy a*s royals get to live in.

Some of us have hard lives to live

And some of us have everything we care about taken away by f*ck like you.

I have no-

Aaagh!

Aaaah

Striker: YOU don't get to talk over me

I don't have to listen to your bullshit

All you royals every do is try to talk over us

Don't bother trying your little eye trick on me

Those ropes aint gonna let you do anything

Got something to say about that your-

HIGHNESS!

Well, you seem to be forgetting-

-You are working for a royal

Right-

NOW!

[Bones breaking]

Blitz handles me rougher than that in bed... nice try

Blitzy's knife is bigger, and hits sooo much deeeeper

Striker: Being a smartass hmm?

Cause once I split your neck open and let you choke on your own blue blood

You won't be worth any more than the tombstone you'll be buried under

Blitzy says far dirtier things to me with much sharper objects at my throat.

[deep breath]

Welcome Bingo! And this-

-must be Tuna

Loona, yeah, and you can hurry up please.

She's isn't a fan of shots, so lets try to make this quick, for all of our sakes

Oh come now, it can't be that bad

I see hellhounds every day and there hasn't been ONE thats caused any issue.

[Growls]

Yep right there, told ya dipshit.

Andrealphus: So earlier...

that assassin...

Was that you?

mmm guiltyyyyy!

Yeeeees it waaas

You silly minx, you. [laughs]

Though, you know...

If your husband dies, it wont turn out well for you

He'll be dead! Why wouldn't it?

Because my dear sister, you've already produced an heir.

when he dies, his duties, his possessions, his legions, it will all pass to...

Via...

Soooo, if you k*ll him you would...?

Laugh?

HA!

NO YOU STUPID COW! YOU'D GET NOTHING!

Ugh, you're SO lucky you're attractive...

Agh! Well what do you propose we do? He wont leave me anything willingly-

-he hates me almost as much as I hate him

Hmm, well this kind of situation is extremely unique.

A Goetia has never behaved like this before...

But with him alive, we have options, opportunities... Eternity is a long time my dear

I say we bide our time, and wait for the chance to gain the upper hand.

Ooooh, but I want him dead so badly!

And he will be, in time, my fiery vixen...

But patience first.

Now call off your mangy stray

Uuugh!

Striker: Well this has been fun...

but every good thing has to come to an end.

Shame you won't see your kid again

Don't you dare breath a word about my daughter

Oooh... Finally hit a nerve huh?

I swear if you go near her I will destroy you

Big talk

But just that... any last words Goetia?

Blitz... will...

That rodeo clown told you he aint coming

Nobody is coming-

[Phone rings]

Yello?

Stella: Change of plans darling, I need the prick alive.

I'm kinda in the middle of killin him...

Stella: Well stop it-

- we need him alive to get some affairs in order

Stella: I will pay you more to spare him and bring him to us

Uuugh...

Yes ma'am...

Stella: Glorious!

Well... good news for you feathers

Your royal C. U. next tuesday says she don't want you dead no more.

buuuut she didn't say what condition you had to be in.

I think these reds might be a pretty trophy

Can't have you seeing me again can we?

[Car horn blares in the distance]

[Country fight song begins playing]

[Music changes to bubblegum pop]

Blitz: OW sorry!

[pop song ends, dramatic score begins]

[Feral Howl]

Striker: Oh I remember how easy you are to choke the life out of little one

Moxxie: Ooooh...

Harder...

You cowboy PIECE OF sh*t!!!

Moxxie: f*ck...

Oh Crumbs! we have to get him to a hospital!

Blitz: Oh good, you guys actually managed to-

Ugh!

[Soft Piano]

Moxxie: Uh, sir... are you okay?

Oh peachy, yeah no, todays been wonderful

What the f*ck was that about

Millie: Stolas got hurt bad

Stolas got what?

How?

He can get HURT?

[Somber music begins playing]

[Monitors beeping]

[Phone vibrating