01x04 - C.H.E.R.U.B.

[bunniefuu]

Well, howdy!

I’m Cletus! Welcome to Heaven!

Guess you did something good to get here,

and good people deserve to
give loved ones special blessin's!

♪ Does it make you want to cry? ♪

♪ When your loved one has to die? ♪

♪ Does it hurt you through and through? ♪

♪ When your face is turnin' blue? ♪

♪ Well, luckily for you... ♪

♪ There’s somethin' we can do! ♪

♪ We can help keep them alive, ♪

♪ So you can watch them thrive! ♪

♪ ‘Cause here at C.H.E....R.U.B.! ♪

♪ We’ll save your honeybun from dying violently! ♪

♪ ‘Cause here at C.H.E....R.U.B.! ♪

♪ No, we never even ask a fee! ♪

♪ Because good people spread the love! ♪

♪ And we’re here for all above! ♪

♪ We do the paperwork for you! ♪

♪ And the heavy liftin', too! ♪

♪ So sit right back! ♪

♪ And let us bless a sooooooul for you! ♪

♪ Oh, we... are the C.H.E.R.U.B.! ♪

Nice one, B!

Gimme another, Mox!

Eh, nah. Not feelin' it. Next!

Uh-huh. Keep going, keep going, keep goin'...

I say, I say! Are you lookin' to get work making crazy

contraptions and goofy gadgets?

WELL, call me at
Wacky Wally Wackford’s Wacky Idea Factory!

Where you make the things and I make the money!

Please! I’m very desperate!

Bingo!

WOO! You’re on a roll, sir!

Guys... Do you feel that?

Oh, sh*t! Is that a hellshake?

That’s possible?

Alright! Don’t panic, Moxxie!

I’m not “panicking,” because
hellquakes don’t happen.

STOP GETTING HYSTERICAL, FATTY!

Do not be afraid!

Please tell me you got that insurance thing.

Who are you, and what do you want?!

I am Loopty Goopty!

Dastardly inventor of all
things loopy and loopiiiiiish!

Coulda just used the door, dude.

Doesn’t need to be this whole thing.

I am eccentric, and must therefore
do eccentric sh*t!

Ugh!

This old f*ck reeks of the living world.

Did you just die?

YEEEEES!

Moments ago, in fact!

Which is what brought me HEEEERE!

Just sayin'...

the front door would’ve gotten you here fine.

Shut up, dear furry!

[GROWLS]

This is the man I’m gonna need you to kiiiill!

Not even a sh*t’s length of time in Hell

and already plotting revenge.

I can respect a man with that sort of passion!

I’m Blitz, the “O” is silent.

What “O”?

Aww, thank you.

Now what’s the tea, sis?

The TEAAAA?!

Guys, help!

Yeah, why are we k*lling this guy?

I mean, what did he do to you?

Losing... ox-!

He was…

my business partner!

You see, I was not always an old man!

My partner Lyle and I

ran Lyle-Loopty Robotics,

a technological empire!

Earlier today, we were testing a new machine

intended to stop, or reverse, the aging process!

It could’ve saved all three trillionaires!

Unfortunately, we neglected to test the machine

on the poor, like we usually do.

We were too sure of our own genius!

But the machine was accidentally set FORWARD!

By the time we managed to get out,

it was too late! At least, for me!

Now, that evil son of a b*tch is going to take

over the empire WE BUILT TOGETHER!

Without me to share it with,

he’ll make all the god damn money in the world

and become the fourth trillionaire,

and get all the credit!

Ehhh, that’s not really evil.

It’s evil towards me!

Everything… is going… dark...

Now, get your crimson asses up above

and send that heartless no-good son of a b*tch to Hell,

where he belongs!

Eh, y- y- y- You do know, Poopty--

Looooptyyyy!

Of course! Of course...

If we do k*ll him, though,

and he ends up down here, y'know,

you will be stuck with him. Forever.

Oh, trust me...

I’m counting on it!

That’s kinda hot!

Gee! I wonder whose house this is?

And to your right is the home
of famous inventor, Lyle Lipton!

Let’s do it, g*ng!

Let’s k*ll this rich guy!

And here you’ll find three tacky stalkers

about to attempt a m*rder!

Things like this could happen to famous people all the time!

Wow...

That machine really did a number on him.

Goodbye...

my one true love.

All the riches of the world can’t fill the emptiness

I’m feeling now that my shitty old body

can’t do anything of value.

Oh, fantastic!

He’s gonna do our job for us!

Should we go in there and tie it for him?

Oh lord, I’m being haunted by

ugly orphan children now!

Who the f*ck are they?

Oh no! Sir, those are…

Cherubs, Mr. Lyle!

I hate filthy stinking orphan children!

We’re here to convince you not to k*ll yourself, sir.

To grant you a blessing, on behalf of those

in Heaven benefited by your amazing

technological advances.

Oh, HELL no!

Don’t forget--

Lyle Lipton, it is our--

…humble opinion that you should

continue the process to commit die.

I mean, what do you expect to do

with all this money now you’re old... and gross?

Is that a serious question?

He can help spread his wealth around with

the people of the world!

And do so much good with it!

And be so fulfilled!

Nnnno!

He could pay for new hospitals and schools!

Why won’t you let me die?

Oh, sounds like you need help

offin' yourself there, buddy.

Moxxie, what do we got for this fella?

I have some as*ault weapons, crossbow,

hunting bow, tommy g*n,
old-fashioned shotgun,

revolvers in three colors,
chainsaws, katanas--

He’s classier than that!

There are still plenty of reasons to live, Mr. Lyle!

Yeah, right.

Smells like he ain’t been out of bed in months!

Life can be beautiful at any age.

And we’ll show him!

Yeah!

Nnnnno!

Look around, Lyle.

God’s gift of nature is a wonder to behold,
regardless of age! Or wealth!

If you were to end your life,
you’d be missing all of this!

Mm-hm.

You’re gonna buy that load of sh*t

from a baby and the sheep it f*ck?

That is so inappropriate!

Oh, kiss our a*s, prude!

Anyway, take it from me,

a fellow genius.

Nature is no picnic up close.

Oh no!

Sir, stop looking!

I can’t stop!

I’ve never wanted to die more than I do now!

[SCREAMS]

Let’s go check out someplace else!

Oh, Lord.

Where are we now?!
Let me perish!

We’re here to show you another thing life

is worth living for:
childhood wonderment!

Why, look at those sweet, disease-ridden vermin.

Their joy comes from innocence, unspoiled

by the burdens of adulthood...

and their middle-class existence.

Such simple joy they have.

It is inspiring.

Thank you for showing me this.

Hey, dipshit!

Wanna see whose lap you’re sittin' on?!

Santa's EVIL!!

Eh! This place reeks of TEENAGERS!

Lovers' Lookout, sir!

We’re here to remind you about

possibly life’s greatest joy of all!

Money!

No! Love.

I’ve never been in love before.

I imagine it’s quite nice!

It’s not too late, sir!

You can still find--

HA! Nice try, ugly.

Hey, horny lovers

Which one of you would
f*ck this old man?!

You know, you three are
so utterly c- c- cruel!

We’re just trying to give hope to someone in need!

Oh, and you three are so superior to us

just because WE want some selfish, greedy,

authoritarian capitalist to keel over DEAD!

You’re makin' things too real now, Moxxie.

[OPERA SINGING]

Behold!

The wonder of art and music!

Something always here to comfort…

entertain…and live for!

So…how do we make this bad?

We can’t.

There’s literally nothing bad about opera.

That’s fact.

Unless we ruin it somehow.

She’s not very good.

Well, at least we made it bad.

THAT'S IT!!

I HAVE HAD IT!!

You three monsters have messed with us enough!

D'ooh, we're just trying to do our j-j-job!

Well, so are we!

EEEENOUGH!!

We are savin' that shitty
old man’s life, whether he wants it or not!

Well, someone wants that f*ck dead!

Okay?

And he paid in advance, and I spent it all on this…

…so he’s gotta go!

You all are such disgusting, loathsome beasts!

Your kind is nothing but dirt
that shitty dead people tread on!

And now, you’re trying to meddle with the lives of HUMANS?!

So are you!

So why don’t you shut your trap, you judgmental,

cotton candy, tit-havin’ b*tch?!

…FILTHY DEMON CRAP!!

[OPERA SINGING CONTINUES]

It’s all starting to make sense now.

Life is worth living because we only get one.

We must cherish it.

If creatures far beyond this living world

are going through these lengths over my life,

then certainly it’s worth living!

k*lling myself is not the answer.

Plus…I’m still rich!

I can just buy all the things!

I NO LONGER CRAVE DEATH!

Oh! You f*ck!

Well, well.

Would'ya look at that?

You... did our job... for us. Heh!

Ohhhh my gosh, oh my gosh,
oh my Gooood!

Get a hold of yourself, Collin!

And do NOT use the Lord’s name in vain!

THIS…ISN'T OVER!

WHAT THE--?!

Mmm, yeah, no, sorry, Cletus,

but I’m afraid your actions resulted in the death of a human.

I’m afraid you can’t re-enter Heaven.

Yeaaaah, noooo...

WHAT?!?!

Yeaaaah, mmmmm, sorry!

Yeaaaah, no…

Is there…anything we can do?!

Yeaaaah, nooo!

Oh noooo, no, no.

Bu- But we didn’t mean to!

We'd never!

It was all--

Anyway, sorry, guys.

But those are the rules!

Yeaaaaah.

Byyyye!

Wait! But--

Welp, the old man wanted to live again

and we didn’t k*ll him, so we failed.

Thanks to those f*ck' cherubs,

he’s probably up in Heaven now, so...

it’s a shame.

All our client wanted was eternal revenge on

his business partner.

And now the two are forever separated.

And now, we gotta face the fire of f*ck' up.

Sir... when are you going to tell the client?

Oh, I already sent him a text, and...

we’re in good hands, 'cause

texts don’t make people angry.

BLIIIIIITZ!

Loofaaaaa!

We can explain everything. I was--…

Lyle Lipton?!

I don’t understand.

We thought you went to Heaven?

Heaven?!

You don’t make millions in technological advances

in robotics by NOT experimenting on the poor!

Oh, you no good heartless son of a b*tch!

Thank you for reuniting me with my best friend!

The only question now is what do two

old genius robotic inventors do now that we’re in Hell?

Did someone say, I say, inventors?!

Name’s Wally Wackford, and I am lookin'

for creative new people to exploit!

I mean, employ~

Everyone, STOP f*ck' UP MY WALLS!

Moxxie’s gonna have to fix all this sh*t!

Oh, chill out, Moxxie.

If you kiss my a*s any harder,
you’ll go right inside me.

Satan’s ba*ls!

First we deal with Heaven’s table-scraps, now this?

I guess…you can say,

you say, you have a holey operation here, Blitzo!

Get out.

Oh-h*-h*! I say, “Oh!”

No, I’m serious.

Get the f*ck OUT!!