01x01 - m*rder Family

[bunniefuu]

I was a good person before it all went down.

I was good my entire life.

Good morning!

I hope you all did your homework!

♪ We love to do our homework ♪

♪ and we love our teacher too ♪

♪ Then when I throw up these fun questions ♪

♪ you should know just what to do ♪

♪ Okay! ♪

♪ 2 + 6 is 8 ♪

♪ and good behavior is great ♪

♪ and it's now the part of the class where we ♪

♪ say the time of day and date ♪

♪ It's 9 in the morning ♪

♪ on January 8th ♪

♪ The sun is out, smiling ♪

♪ and it's your husband's birthday ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ Lalalalala ♪

Oh my stars!

Stop singing, children.

Hush up now!

I forgot it's my husband's birthday!

I didn't get him anything special.

Maybe if we call him we can do a happy birthday surprise!

Okay! Oh yeah!

Right there.

Right there. Oh yeah.

Ow! That's actually my as*h*le.

- But I don't care. Yeah!
- Not there, not there.

- Put it in!
- Okay, yeah.

Wait! Mrs Mayberry!

Remember what you taught us?

Think before you act.

- Okay...

Oh, sh*t!

Sweetie, what are you doing here?

- Shut up, Jerald!

[SCREAMS]

You scream like a b*tch!

- Oh, God.

What have you done?

She had a family!

- We could've had a family!

[g*n SHOTS]

Oh, dear God. What have I done?

In front of you all! I'm so sorry, my children.

Don't forget to work on your timetables!

[g*n SHOT]

You do everything right in life.

Play by all the rules,

and still get sent down here with all

the Hitlers and Epsteins of the world.

After one measly m*ssacre propelled by blind rage.

So that's why I'm here.

To get my revenge.

I mean, was she hotter?

I'm just saying, I'm having a hard time understanding

the unprompted mellow-drama you just spat at me, t*ts.

Anyway, I'm don't think you quite understand how

we're operating down here.

You see, we take revenge out on the living

and it sounds like the core-cast of your sitcom

of a death frankly are all probably down here

in hell with you.

Boop!

Not all of them.

The wh*re survived.

Now they all call her a hero.

How does it feel to have survived such a crazy b*tch?

I just hope that sick woman finally found peace.

You are so brave. Here's 2 million dollars.

Oh! Thank you!

Between the talk shows and donation bullshit

she made so much g*dd*mn cash;

getting shot was the best thing to happen to her.

You're a hero!

You're a hero, girl!

My mama's a hero!

She is a hero!

[MOANS] You're a hero!

You're a hero.

You're a hero.

[MOANS] You're a hero!

She is not a hero!

Mhm, okay, yeah.

My thoughts exactly.

Moxxie, stop shaking.

You're gonna sh**t our only hellhound.

Wow, I feel so loved here.

Just take a deep breath and let it out.

But... it's a family.

Under what circumstances would we ever need

to k*ll a human family?

I mean, if that's what the client wants...

Maybe like a shitty dad...

or a mob family...

that's understandable.

but to eradicate an entire innocent,

seemingly innocent in this instance,

upper middle class family bloodline?!

Hey! You don't know they're innocent!

This kid probably sets dogs on fire.

Maybe this girl gets off to bullying Australian kids online,

and this guy.... this guy definitely watches.

Exactly! Humans are full of secret nasties.

It's why so many of them end up here.

- But!
- Guilty and innocent aren't our business, Mox.

k*lling who we're paid to is our business.

sh**t the target.

I just think it's a bit excessive

and we could be a bit more selective, is all.

Guys, I want you to meet...!

Our newest client.

Damn it, Moxxie!

I just bought those eels!

Bye, and don't worry we'll get that skank

in less than 24 hours or your first k*ll is free!

When did we start implementing that deal?

When you set fire to my office in front of a client,

YOU f*cking DICKSHIT!

Now someone please tell me that fancy book is still intact!

You mean, our only ticket to the other side?

Yeah, got it.

And that's why you're my favorite, Loonie.

You get a treat now.

Ew, stop.

Ah, Nom.

You're so gross.

Oh, stop it. I get enough of that from my therapist.

Now let's go lick some a*s!

The expression is kick some a*s, Blitz.

Mine's better.

Oh, f*ck.

That's got to be her.

[LAUGHS] This is too easy.

Moxxie, do you want this one?

- Me?
- Yeah, this one's simple enough for you to handle.

It's just a happy mother who just got out of

the hospital.

Snooze you loose, Mox.

And I got you, b*tch.

Wait, are we actually k*lling a family?

Now don't be a puss. We're just k*lling a mother.

We're ruining a family.

But! Hold on.

Let's just think about it.

What was that, Ralphie?

I don't know, Martha.

But whatever it is, they're gonna be tomorrow night's dinner.

Alright, kids. g*ns out!

Looks like we got some rabbits to catch, youngin's.

What the f*ck was that, Moxxie?!

[COUGHS]

I'm sorry. They just seemed so wholesome and happy.

I panicked.

Oh, who the f*ck is innocent, Moxxie.

From the moment of birth you're already a parasite

leeching off your mama's t*ts.

Get the f*ck over yourself, you baby d*ck prick.

Ow! A new hole!

Scatter!

Where you go, little critter?

Y'all can't hide long from me.

[GROWLS]

Oh, well, hello little ones.

Aren't you cute?

It's nice to have a new critter to play with.

Oh, crumbs.

[CACKLES]

I know you're hurting, little devil.

I promise I can take that pain go away real quick.

Just come let mumma Martha put a b*llet

in your pretty little skull.

Stolas, this is a really bad time.

Oh, when isn't it a bad time, Blitzy?

What is it?

I've been meaning to follow up in our

last little conversation regarding my Grimoire.

What did you just call me?

My book, Blitzy.

The book I was given to do my job?

That I have allowed you to use to do yours?

I can hear you, darling!

sh*t!

Anyhoo, I have been thinking.

You know I have been permitting you to

access the mortal realm less than legally for

some time now, but

I do need it back to fulfill my duties.

I was thinking...

What if we worked out some kind of exchange?

Favors for favors.

Doesn't that sound... enticing?

You gotta stop using your fancy a*s rich people talk, okay?

I'm trying to concentrate on not getting f*cked in my "A".

Then let me keep it simple.

Once a month on the full moon, you return the book

to me followed by a night of passionate fornication,

and you get to keep it all the rest of the time.

Hm? Sound fair, my little imp?

Fine, whatever.

Oh, Blitz.

I'm so excited!

I cannot wait to feel your slimy c*ck inside of my a*s.

Gotcha!

So you're a little devil, huh?

Come to drag me and my kin to hell?

Well, not today Satan!

Gonna send y'all back where he came from.

Millie!

I had that f*cking shot.

g*dd*mn it, Moxxie.

Satan, we return your filthy creatures back

to the pits of hell.

May the root of evil remain honored as we continue thou work!

Yeah, that's not exactly how it works, lady.

Sorry, your fire doesn't really hurt us but...

I mean, I could fake it if that'll get your d*ck hard.

Oh... sh*t!

Well, I'll just sh**t you in your smart a*s mouth.

That would be more effective.

Blitz!

[CACKLES]

[g*n SHOT]

Moxxie!

You're not getting your g*dd*mn paycheck for this one, Mox.

Oh yeah, thanks. I'm fine.

I'm sorry, sir.

I compromised our objective and put us in harm's way.

It won't happen again. I promise

Apology accepted.

But if you ever pull a stunt like this again

I will f*ck you and your wife.

Alrighty, job well done.

Now let's get off.

Eh, yeah. Give me a moment.

I need to get something I left at the house.

Okay, fine but hurry up.

Loona, we're ready to come home, dear.

While you and I [Bleep!]...

Jelly sandwiches... All night...

Don't move.

What are you gonna do, little guy?

k*ll us?

I should. You people are monsters,

but you should have a chance at a life and a purpose.

Look at your children. They have their whole

future ahead of them.

You are going to face your crimes justly.

I will call your earthly authorities and they will

make sure you are dealt with fairly.

I'm handling this my way.

Oh sh*t.

Uh, do you, uh...

Do you have a phone to summon 911?

Yeah, it's in the kitchen.

Then... what is this for?

It's a universal remote. Got it for the kids.

Awww.

There he is. Had a good wank-off session, Moxxie?

Excuse me?

Look, I don't care where you c*m in the living world

just "c*m" to your job on time, alright?

See you at the office.

You doing okay, sweetie?

Better now, honey.

I think I just needed a minute to process.

You have a good heart, honey.

Just a fuzzy head.

We got 'em, boys!

Did you see that little Mox, Moxxie?

Did it! Oh, Moxxie!

Well, here's to another mission accomplished,

and Moxxie finally learned not to f*ck up.

And k*lling people isn't that big a deal if

they try to k*ll you back.

That's messed up...

But I paid for it.

Yeah, f*ck that family.