02x15 - Guitar Hero

[bunniefuu]

[rock theme plays]

I can't believe
the Battle of the Bands

is only three days away.

Oh, did you finish
writing our new song yet?

No, I think I'll just wait
for inspiration to strike

while I'm napping
in Geometry.

[sighs] Amy.

As last year's champions,

we need back-to-back wins

to prove our band
isn't a fluke.

Five years ago, the Monobrows
didn't win a second time.

And now they're stuck
playing nursing homes.

Well, I do like an audience

that can't just get up
and leave.

Look, I want to win again
as much as you do.

This song just isn't coming
to me as fast as the others.

Well, then let me help you.

No. Look, I need
to prove to myself

and to you
that I can do this.

Just be patient. I'm gonna write
us a great song. I promise.

Hey, girls, ready for
the Battle of the Bands?

I really think you have
a shot at beating us again.

Are you being sarcastic?

No. I'm being nice,
like you suggested.

I feel nothing inside
when I'm doing it,

but at least it's making
other people happy.

[laughs]

If I have to be nice,
you do too.

[all laugh]

Okay, nice Gem scares me
a lot more than mean Gem.

Well, I, for one,
am looking forward

to a friendly competition
without any insults.

And I'm looking forward

to insulting someone
who can't insult me back.

What? You told her to be nice.
Didn't say anything about me.

[theme music playing]

[electricity crackling]

[notes resonating]

[clears throat]

Amy!

Uh, you're home.

Uh, but I thought Wednesday was
the day you throw eggs at things

and Hartley cleans them up.

Scheduling it was taking out
all the spontaneity.

What are you doing
with my guitar?

Oh. Heh, you know,
just cooking up a little ditty

about my favorite sister.

Yeah, I'm not even buying that.

Okay, I may have
been borrowing it

to teach myself how to play.

Hmm. Grab the eggs, Hartley.

I'm feeling spontaneous.

I've been watching online
tutorials the last few months and,

not to strum my own guitar,
but I'm really good.

Well, you've got
the ego part down.

Don't worry.
I can still break his spirit.

And trust me,
guitar isn't something

you just pick up
after watching a few videos.

[playing rock solo]

You were saying?

Jake, that was amazing.

Eh. Less is more.

I wanted to play
in the Battle of the Bands,

but they don't accept solo acts.

So I was thinking...

Don't even say it.

...that maybe...

You're still saying it.

-...I could join your band.
-And you said it.

Come on, we could be like
Billie and Finneas...

and Hartley.

I'm on board.

I think Jake joining the band
would be fun.

To be fair, you think a monkey
joining the band would be fun.

Have you seen them
play the cymbals?

I'm just saying,
with the contest coming up,

we could use the extra help.

How? What could he possibly
add to the band?

Well, he can be the swing vote
when we disagree on things.

Oh, yeah, 'cause nothing says
"rock 'n' roll"

like swing votes.

Plus, we already
have a guitarist. Me.

The more the merrier.
I say he's in.

And I say he's out.

Hmm, looks like
we have a stalemate.

Good thing I'm your swing vote.
Whoo! I'm in the band!

Yeah!

So today's the day
the music died.

Blah!

Blah!

I know we're villains,

but please tell me
you didn't steal a baby.

No but I've often wondered
if we could return a teenager.

Well, my co-worker couldn't find
a sitter for her shift,

so as her responsible
supervisor,

I offered to babysit.

Why didn't you
just cover her shift?

'Cause then
I'd have to work.

Plus, also, babies love me.

You three took much quicker to me
than you did to your father.

Well, yeah, but to be fair,
Dad's creepy.

I know you think that's a slam,

but I wear it
as a badge of honor.

-[knock on door]
-Oh.

Robert? What are you doing here?

Whatever it is,
we didn't do it.

Why do you say that
every time I'm here?

I...

Look. Cute baby.

You had another baby?

No. We learned our lesson
after this one.

Trust me, I did that nonexistent
kid a solid.

-What's with the dog?
-This is Rex.

My K-9 trainee.

Celia told me you agreed to watch him
while I run some errands.

Why would she do that?

Because our suffering
is her joy.

[barking]

Ah. Ah!

Well, that's strange.

He only does that
when he detects a perp.

[laughs] No perps in this house.

Get up.

He won't let me.

This is what I get for keeping
loose jerky in my pockets.

I'm sorry, Robert, we'd love
to look after your dog...

And... he's gone.

[crying]

[barking]

Not gonna lie,

I'm kind of questioning
our life choices right now.

[playing rock riff]

Hello, Battle of the Bands!

What are you doing?
What is that?

That's how we're gonna make
our entrance tonight.

No, we've been over this.

Hartley and I are gonna walk
on stage while you play

from an area
that's stage-adjacent.

You know, like the parking lot.

Amy, you can't just knock down
all of Jake's ideas.

Although I do
hold firm with you

that he's not playing the guitar
with his feet.

You said you wanted
to stand out.

With a guitar solo,
not your nasty snaggle toes.

Okay, Amy,
where's the song?

Well, Hartley, you know, some
say it's deep in your heart.

Some say it's deep in your soul.

-You didn't write it, did you?
-Some say I did not.

-Amy!
-Don't worry.

I got us covered.
I wrote a song.

-You what?
-Yeah.

This is what I can add
to your band: songs.

Online tutorials have been
coming in very handy lately.

Jake, these lyrics
are really good.

Thanks. I just thought,
"What would Adele do?"

Then I did it better.

Look, Hartley,
we can't use his song.

We don't have a choice.

The contest
is five hours away.

Look, I know I'm cutting
it close, but I can do it.

Just give me a chance.

-[Hartley sighs]
-I mean, besides,

I thought this band
was just you and me.

We don't have a song
without Jake.

Yeah, or maybe we don't
have a song because of Jake.

He's been distracting me
and ruining my confidence.

I just-- I can't have him
in our band.

[scoffs] Okay. If you feel
that strongly about it,

then I understand.

I just don't know how
to break it to him.

Yeah, it's gonna be tough.

Good news,
I just wrote another song.

You're out of the band.

I can't believe
you're kicking me out.

I made this band
what it is.

You've only been in it
for three days.

I know, that's why
I'm being dramatic,

so I can beef up my argument.

Amy, you know the only way
I can be in Battle of the Bands

is if I'm in an actual band.

Well, we talked about it,

and we decided "The Mad Heart"
is just the two of us.

So, obviously we can't
use a song you wrote.

But it's a song you need.

It's like you're punishing me
for trying to help.

To be fair,
I've punished you for less.

It's true. Remember that time
she punished you for breathing?

You had to come to my house
just to exhale.

You know what? Fine.
If you don't want me, I'm done.

[wires twang]

See? Even the amp
wants me to stay in the band.

-[baby crying]
-[dog barking]

I thought you said
babies love you.

Did I say that?

No, no. It's cats. Cats love me.
Babies hate me.

Well, this dog
definitely hates me.

Which is weird,
because we share a lot

of the same interests,
you know,

like chasing things,
and playing in the dirt,

and eating stuff off the floor.

Yeah, throw in
the outdoor bathroom habits,

I wouldn't be able
to tell you apart.

[crying stops]

Hey, they finally stopped.

[whispering] They must've
worn themselves out.

Don't make a sound
or they will wake up again.

I got the fix!

-[dog barking]
-[baby crying]

Dad! We had the fix.
They were asleep.

Oh. Well, I want them awake
to hear this idea, anyway.

It's that good.

[sighs] What's your fix?

Remember last week
when our neighbors

were jackhammering
their patio?

Yeah, they found a set of bones,
and we haven't seen Celia since.

Well, I created this device

to turn that unpleasant sound
into a pleasant one.

Once I use this, the baby's crying
will become a soothing lullaby,

and Rex's barking,
the relaxing sound of ocean waves.

Sweetheart, we've been over this.
Less explaining, more using.

Boom. Vic out.

[baby crying sound]

Did-- Did that dog
just cry like a baby?

[dog barking, snarling sound]

Yep, and the baby's
barking like a dog.

Other than that,
your device works perfectly.

I've never used it
on two things at once.

It appears to have
swapped their voices.

But on the bright side,
we now have a voice swapper!

Who needs a voice swapper?
Nobody needs a voice swapper.

I'd like to swap your voice
with someone more supportive.

[phone ringing]

Oh. Oh, it's Robert.

He's coming
to pick up the dog!

Okay, calm down.

All I have to do is reverse
the effects of the device

and everything
will be back to normal.

Miserable, but normal.

Wait, where is the device?

[baby cooing]

No! Bad dog!

I mean, baby.
I mean, bad dog-baby.

You might want to pick up
the mic you dropped.

Got it. Oh, no!

He ate the activator button.

Oh. Well, lucky for you,

what goes in must come out.

See? I told you
we didn't need Jake.

I delivered on the song,
just like I said I would.

You wrote an angsty manifesto
about your annoying brother.

Yeah. You know, having him in the band
was a distraction.

But having him leave the band
was an inspiration.

I'm not sure
it's our best work.

The chorus is just you
screaming, "Go away, bro!"

Plus, we barely have
any time to rehearse.

Trust me, we're ready
for this competition.

Oh, we're so ready
for this.

[nervous laughter]
Wait, are we ready for this?

Because I don't know
if I'm ready for this.

Will you calm down?
Your anxiety's rubbing off on me.

And that's surprising, 'cause I usually
don't care about anything.

You're right.
What am I worried for?

We have your guitar solo
to put us over the top.

[laughs]

You did practice
your guitar solo, right?

Um... no.
Look, I'm sorry.

I was just so focused
on finishing the song,

I forgot to even
come up with one.

I knew we should've kept Jake
in the band.

He could've worked on the solo
while you finished writing the song.

What? No, no, no.
We don't need Jake.

I don't even need practice.
I can wing it.

I mean, our biggest competition
is Gem.

She doesn't even play guitar.

Yeah. It's too hard to practice while
you're staring at yourself in the mirror.

Oh, let me guess.

You're here to beg us
to let you back in the band.

Nope. I don't need your band.

I joined another one.

What? Whose?

Mine.

Now we're Gem and the Other
Girls Plus This Guy.

That's right.

And guess who's about
to rob you of your title?

This guy.

And guess who's gonna be stuck
playing a nursing home?

These girls.

[rock theme plays]

I can't believe
you betrayed me.

This is right up there
with that time you stole money

from my room to buy yourself
new clothes.

You did that to me.

See what you've done, Jake?

I'm so upset I can't even
keep my crimes straight.

I wouldn't have even
had to join Gem's band

if you hadn't kicked me
out of yours.

[scoffs] Please,
I didn't kick you out.

We had creative differences.

I'm creative
and you're different.

Gem, why would you let
my brother in your band?

I was being nice.

It was him or some girl
who plays tambourine.

And my niceness has its limits.

Well, kick him out.

-I can't.
-Why not?

Because he's also
my wardrobe assistant,

water pourer and ride
to and from the venue.

You live a block away.

I know. Far, right?

I should be thanking you
for kicking me out of your band.

At least Gem respects me.

[scoffs] Respects you?
She doesn't even know your name.

Ah, I've only been Jake
for two years.

I can live with "This Guy."

[sighs] Great.

Now our biggest competition
does have a guitarist.

And he's really good.

You think that tambourine girl
is still available?

Don't worry. I got a plan.

Oh, why do I feel like

it'll have more to do
with getting even with Jake

than helping us win
the contest?

Aw, because you're smarter
than I give you credit for.

[baby barking]

[cooing]

[Eva groans]

Robert will be here any minute.

We cannot let him see the dog
crying and the baby barking.

Oh, come on, he's dating Celia.

This can't be the strangest
thing he's seen.

-[knock on door]
-[Robert] Vic, Eva?

I'm here to pick up Rex.

He's late for his shift
at the airport.

It gets kind of weird when
I have to sniff the luggage.

Okay, look, I can quickly
fix the device.

I need you two to stall Robert

while I take the baby
and the dog down to the lair.

Oh! I can shape-shift
into the baby

and distract Robert
till you get back.

Great. Come here, Rex.

[dog crying in baby voice]

Okay, here goes.

[crying]

Robert. Sorry.
Didn't hear you knocking there.

[laughs] Rex is a bit
of a barker, isn't he?

Have you tried letting him
chew on your leg?

That usually stops him.

So where is he?

Uh...

Oh, look! Cute baby.

Ooh-hoo!

Didn't we do this already?

[baby barking]

Oh. Hey, Dad.

-[baby barking]
-[dog cooing]

Why is there a crying dog
and a barking baby in our lair?

I don't know. Why are you
sneaking with Jake's new guitar?

-Fair enough.
-Have a good night.

Hey there, little one.

Oh! You are cute.

Hey!

You know, it's times like this
I wish we could arrest babies.

Yeah. Heh.

You should probably head
upstairs to get that cleaned up.

[baby cooing]

[groans]

[giggles] Good one, Colbs.

Thanks. It's a new power.

I call it "puking on demand."

Not sure when I'll use it again,
but good to know it's in the bank.

Okay, I repaired the device.

The dog and the baby
are back to normal.

Ah. All cleaned up.

-[barks]
-There's my boy!

Come here, Rex!

[laughs]

Dad. The device.

Robert? Everything okay?

[barks]

Did I just bark?

No! What? That'd be crazy.

Well, you'd better get going.
That luggage isn't gonna sniff itself.

Come on, Rex.
Come on, boy.

Yeah.

Yes! It worked!

One annoying thing down,
and one to go.

Oh, well, the baby's mother
just texted me.

-She's on her way.
-Oh, right. The baby.

I was talking about Colby.

[humming kazoos rhythmically]

[applause]

And just like that,
the bar has been raised.

There you are.
It's almost our turn.

The kazoo band just blew
the roof off of this place.

And a lot of spit on the stage.
I'm really hoping they clean that up.

Hello, friends.

I'm calling you friends
because I'm nice now.

Everyone give it up
for my new guitar player...

This Guy!

[light applause]

Hello, Battle of the Bands!

-[microphone thumping]
-[feedback squeals]

Sorry. Sorry.

Uh, ahem... But, hey, uh,
why should I do all the talking

when I can let
this little lady do it for me?

Boo! Get off the stage, hack!

Gem, I'm in your band.

Oh, right.

Guess old habits die hard.

Get ready.
This is gonna be good.

-[playing]
-[electricity fizzes]

Ow! What the--?

[playing]

-[electricity fizzes]
-Ow!

[laughs]

Other people's pain
is not funny.

Other people's
pain is not funny.

One sec, I'll get it.

-[playing]
-[electricity fizzes]

Ow!

What's wrong, Jake?

Does your little lady
not want to play?

Amy, what did you do?

I ran home and zapped
Jake's guitar strings

with my mom's charging port

so there'd be thousands
of volts running through them.

He's literally holding
an electric guitar.

Starting to see why you said
his performance would be shocking.

-[electricity fizzes]
-Ow!

[all booing]

What are you doing?
We're gonna lose the contest!

Which is okay,

because nobody loses
when we're having fun!

It's not me, it's the guitar.

[kazoos humming]

Wow, Jake,
getting kazooed off stage.

That's a first.

You did this.

Yeah, because I came here
to win.

Yeah? Well, you're forgetting
one thing.

My super strength gives me
a higher threshold for pain.

Watch this.

[playing]

[electricity zaps]

[electricity zaps]

[all chant]
This Guy! This Guy! This Guy!

This Guy! This Guy!

No, no. No, no, no.
Not that guy.

Time to show this crowd
some real skills.

Amy, no!

-You want a battle? Let's battle.
-You're on.

[soloing]

-Out of my way.
-What? You get out of my way.

-Back off, you're ruining my set.
-No, you're ruining your set.

Ugh! Get off my stage!

It was my stage first!

[feedback drones]

[audience screaming]

Look what you're doing.

I'm doing what you're doing,
but better.

[electricity fizzing]

-[power fails]
-[guitars muted]

[audience murmuring]

Uh-oh.

Are you happy?
You just got us disqualified.

Wait, so we won?

No. We got disqualified, too.

That's it.
I'm back to being mean.

You know, in a weird way,
that comforts me.

I'm sorry we lost
Battle of the Bands.

It was all my fault.

Oh, I was there.
I know.

Look, nobody's perfect.

I'm certainly not.
But that's why we're a team.

-So we can help each other.
-Yeah, some team we were.

I let my insecurity get in the way
of writing that stupid song.

To be honest,

I think this was about
more than just a song.

I was really hoping
it was just about a song.

While you go talk to him,
I'm gonna go watch

some online tutorials
about how to play the kazoo!

Hey. You okay?

Yeah. I mean, aside

-from the residual voltage.
-[electricity fizzes]

-Ow!
-Yeah, you had that coming.

[sighs] Look, none of this
would've happened

if you had just let me
stay in your band.

-You're right.
-Ah, don't try to deny it.

Wait, what?

[scoffs]
I shouldn't have kicked you out.

I was just afraid that you'd be
better than me at that, too.

What are you talking about?

Jake, you're good at everything.

Fitting in, being nice,

making small talk with people

and not wanting to sonic-blast
them through a wall.

Music's all I have.

It's the one thing in this new life
that I'm really good at.

That's not true.
You're good at...

I mean, there's, uh...

You know what?
I'll just send you a list later.

Well, I think we found
something you're not good at:

Making me feel better.

Look, the whole reason
I even started learning guitar

was because I saw how much joy
you were getting out of it,

and I wanted to know
if it brought me the same joy.

And it did. But it's your thing.

So I'll just find
something else.

No. You're really good,

and there's no reason
we can't both play.

So, you want to be back
in the band?

That's really nice of you,
but like I said,

it's your thing.

Besides, I think we both know
this kind of talent needs to fly solo.

I've never been happier
to be rejected.

[Jake] You're welcome.

[theme music playing]

[duck quacks]