- [Velma] Previously on Velma...
- [electricity crackling]
What I did was wrong.
I'm just so desperate to
stop my hallucinations.
Then you leave me no choice
but to help you cure them.
And you should hope I still wanna jump
your bones once you're damage free.
[Velma] So, someone
is now k*lling men
associated with
Dr. Perdue's journals
and removing their dongs.
Have you heard of manifesting?
As tolerant as I've become,
I still find that
stuff a little silly.
- Vincent?
- [dramatic music playing]
- Ahh!
- [blood splashing]
- [gasps] Oh, God!
- Velma!
[Velma] There are many things I
feel strongly about. Our planet.
No more fracking for oil.
- Or saying fracking...
- [thumps]
- as a double entendre!
- [rumbles]
[Velma] Adult women
who wear pigtails.
- You're too fracking old!
- [both crying]
[Velma] But my whole life,
- nothing...
- [young Velma gasps]
- [Velma] ...has made me angrier than rich people.
- [tires screeching]
- Damn it.
- [Velma] Because they have money,
they think they can
get away with anything.
Museums should be named after
robber barons, not murderers.
Change this name!
[Velma] Because,
annoyingly, they can.
[crowd gasps]
[Velma] So, there is no amount
of money that would make me okay
with William Jones
dating my mom.
Well, then, how about I
date your mom and open bar?
No way.
Unlike a recorded message from any
failed '90s celeb, I can't be bought.
What? No one ever says no to me.
- Velma, you left your inhaler in my van.
- [inhaler hisses]
Oh, God! Dad! No!
I mean, yes.
I can't say no to you 'cause of
your money, but I'm still upset!
[theme music playing]
[Diya] Now, I'm sure
you're both wondering
how William and I became lovers.
It began with an interview for
my memoir, and we just connected.
We connected so hard, I
hurt my back. [Chuckles]
- Ahh!
- [gasps]
- [William] Uh, but the point is...
- [groaning]
Diya's the one person I found who I
can talk to honestly about Victoria.
You can talk honestly
to me about Mom.
Just don't criticize her,
because I will lash out.
Okay. You had your fun. Now,
let's never mention it again,
unless a baby with a
bow tie and a monocle
pops out in nine months. Good?
No, Velma. We like each other.
But you fear not.
I promise to win you over with a
fun weekend at the Jones estate.
The only thing more
impressive than the house
is the number of people
who d*ed building it.
Fat chance. The only way I'm
ever going back to your house
is with a mob of
revolting peasants.
Plus, the science fair's
Monday and you promised
to help me with my
project this weekend.
Science fair? That's
Mardi Gras for smart kids.
And you're the baby
in the king cake.
How is this the first
I'm hearing of it, Velma?
Because as rich people say
when they're asked to pay
taxes, "I ain't doing it."
And Frederick, I
promised to help
if you stopped claiming your mother
was possessed by an evil ghost.
- [grunts in frustration]
- [door opens]
- [groans]
- [door closes]
I guess I should hire
someone to go talk to him.
Good idea. I need to have a
little chat with Velma, as well.
About what?
How much my therapy
is gonna set you back?
- [Norville] No!
- [hallucination laughing]
- No!
- [whirring]
- Run the diagnostic, Lola. I'm hallucinating.
- [Lola gasps]
- Ahh!
- [computer beeps]
[Lola] Got it.
My grandma's research worked.
You can see exactly where the
hallucination happened in my noodle.
Hey, I can use
that word, not you.
Sorry. I just got excited.
With this data, I might be able
to neutralize my hallucinations.
And we'd totally win the
science fair. Which is great,
'cause volleyball is sure not
getting me into college anymore.
Norville, I told you. You don't need
all science to stop your hallucinations.
Just trust that the marijuana
I'm giving you will cure them.
It has zero side effects.
Now, why am I in here again?
I assume you want to test my pee
to ensure the weed's working.
- [simmering]
- [sitar playing]
Positive! We'll test again at the science
fair on Monday, so just keep smoking.
Zero side...
[coughs] ...effects.
[Lamont coughing]
[Lola] Wait. Norville "I hate
dr*gs" Rogers has been getting high?
Without me? WTF?
What? No, I've just always
done what my dad says.
So, it's easier to buy
dirty pee from a friend
and pass his test,
than have a big fight.
Which reminds me,
that was my last cup.
- [line ringing]
- Evelyn, I need a re-up.
What? You're on trial for
a hit and run in Miami?
But I can't wait two weeks.
My dad is testing me on Monday.
Velma, the deal is you
can only solve mysteries
if you maintain your grades
and extracurriculars.
No, Mom. The deal
is you don't date
wealthy slimeballs whose
ex-wives kidnapped you.
- We never made that deal.
- We shouldn't have to.
You know I hate the
rich. I'd be a Communist,
if I didn't want to k*ll my lazy
teammates on every group project.
Fine. Then let me propose a
deal we can both agree on.
If you win the science fair,
I'll stop seeing William.
The science fair
is a waste of time.
I'm trying to find
another serial k*ller,
not a more efficient way to process
ammonia and increase global crop yield.
- Wait.
- See?
- You love science, you genius.
- [grunts]
And it's something
to fall back on,
- if mystery solving doesn't work out.
- Fine.
If I win the science
fair, you dump William
and promise no more
dating rich guys.
Unless the actor,
Steven Yeun, is rich.
Have you ever needed to
push up your glasses,
scratch your nose or swat a fly,
but you're in the middle of a
complex chemistry experiment?
Well, the future is now.
- Handso, push up glasses.
- [beeps]
- [punches]
- Ow! Damn it! Ugh.
[clatters] - Now how am I
gonna win the science fair?
Ooh, how about, "Can curly
fries be made straight again?"
I know it's not your intent,
but that sounds h*m*.
Maybe I can help. A lot of
cool inventions come from moms
who see a need for something.
Like, you know, those social media
videos of dogs who talk with buttons?
I only follow Gloria
Steinem and Noam Chomsky.
So, yes, it's all they post.
Well, Gigi's mom, Susan,
invented one for babies
called a Baby Babble Box.
- [baby gurgles]
- [automated voice 1] Nap.
[automated voice 2] Hungry.
[automated voice 3]
Election. Stolen. Witch hunt.
Oh! She's a genius.
See, my dad's already
dating a nightmare.
If I don't make a prizewinning
project by tomorrow,
I'm gonna end up with someone
even worse in my life.
You're welcome to join the
project I'm doing with Amber.
Amber? What does Amber
know about science?
They think bird flu was
caused by an eclipse.
I know, but my moms are
making us be partners.
They want us to use
our science project
to help solve the Mr. S
and Cogburn cases.
Oh, my God, yes! I am so in.
By manifesting some clues,
the way we manifested
our Creaky Friday win.
Our project is manifesting.
Oh. Hm. While that sounds great,
I don't know if manifesting
is science-y enough to win.
That's where you're wrong.
Since Mr. S d*ed, there's
a new science fair judge
who's way less science-y.
Wait, who?
- Ahh!
- [Velma] Norville.
How could you not tell me
your dad is judging
the science fair?
- Hm?
- Oh, right.
That's what I wanted
to tell you earlier.
I'm even getting
paid. Which is good,
because the pot I've been
buying you is not cheap.
Wait, Dad, you're judging
the science fair for money?
Are we okay?
You're not borrowing money
from the Mafia again, are you?
Norville, the only thing
you need to worry about
is curing your
hallucinations with pot
the way your loving
father tells you to.
The sooner the better.
[dramatic music playing]
[Velma and Norville] Hm.
With your dad as the
judge, you're sure to win.
Well, normally, yes.
But if I can't find
some dirty pee,
he'll know I'm defying
him and freak out.
I once got detention
for telling him.
B.F. Skinner wasn't my
favorite psychologist.
Damn. But wait. Not to sound
like an East German swim coach,
but if I get you some pee
to pass his drug test,
you're guaranteed to win, right?
I mean, without a doubt.
But are you seriously
gonna get high for me?
Every year you complain that 4/20
distracts from Jessica Lange's birthday.
I can't. The one
time I got high,
I was convinced a dog
was talking to me.
But if I figure it out, can I
join your science fair project?
Uh, does a multipolar neuron
have two or more dendrites?
You bet your ass it does.
[robot arm whirring]
Huh? Oh. God! Handso! No!
[classical music playing]
[Velma] I don't have time to spend
the weekend at your boyfriend's.
I need to figure out how to,
uh, win the science fair.
Driver, take me to the
nearest music festival.
Wait, these waters
are free, right?
Yes, and we're not going
to a music festival.
But I knew you'd get
excited about science again.
Soon you'll be like...
I can't think of a
famous woman scientist.
And now I'm just picturing
Einstein with boobs.
But I still expect you to
try and enjoy this weekend.
Enjoy a rich man
using his wealth
to distract us from the
atrocities of his family?
Pass... me that caviar.
It'll just go to
waste otherwise.
[Krista] Guys, getting pierced
was such a good science fair idea.
Was such a good
science fair idea.
Was such a good, good science
fair idea... [voice distorts]
- Uh-oh.
- Oh, look where we are.
It's Daphne's new
friend's store.
They must have
put a spell on us.
- [all laughing]
- What new friend?
Who do I know that can
balance popularity and a job?
Oh! Ah! Daphne!
Uh, hey, Amber.
Oh, this is your
mom's place? [Scoffs]
I knew you two were opening
an occult bookstore,
but this is nuttier
than cheap trail mix.
Nutty? Wicca is just
like any other religion,
except less hating gays and more
nude frolicking in the moonlight.
Uh, we only frolic
nude in the sunlight.
This is weird. Come on, Daph.
[melancholic music playing]
[groans softly]
You know what? I'll catch
up with you girls later.
We have to work on our totally
normal science fair project.
Amber! Daphne, come quick!
The frogs are spawning!
Manifest abundance
before the crone flies.
[chuckles nervously]
[both moaning, kissing]
- [chuckles]
- Oh!
- [Velma clears throat]
- Velma!
Welcome.
I took the liberty
of having the staff
- prepare pink lemonade.
- [gasps]
Seriously? Pink
lemonade is my favorite.
And it costs 13 cents more
than regular lemonade.
But just FYI, I still think
all rich people are evil.
[William] Which is why I've taken
a note from the numerous musicals
depicting a plucky but
downwardly mobile young woman
visiting a rich man's home,
and had the staff
prepare a musical number
- to make you feel welcome.
- Wait, what?
♪ You are poor So
you will like this ♪
♪ Some joy in your Grubby
little life, Miss ♪
♪ Let us treat you Like
a prince... Princess ♪
What the hell is going on?
It's like a big type of
Act Two musical number.
♪ You can lead A
life of leisure ♪
♪ Wash in a bath Of
ancient treasure! ♪
♪ Here's a robot That
thinks you're clever ♪
- [robot laughs]
- Not interested.
What? No. Never.
♪ Your own Swedish masseuse ♪
- Tell that Swede to go vamoose.
- [masseuse screams]
- Hate walking?
- [screams]
♪ Take your railway ♪
- But what would the 99% say?
- [train whistles]
♪ Would a breakfast
buffet Be so awful ♪
Even Karl Marx couldn't
resist a waffle.
- [canvas ripping]
- Don't listen to them.
Father's a traitor, and
this is a house of lies.
- [dramatic music plays]
- [clangs]
♪ Mother just d*ed
Have you no remorse? ♪
♪ Son, I can't copulate
With a corpse ♪
♪ And now you're trying
To buy Velma's love ♪
Fred's right!
But how much money are
we speaking of? Ahh!
♪ Shall we take this
All away, then, Velma? ♪
♪ And pray college tuitions
Don't overwhelm ya ♪
♪ You're poor! You're
poor! You're poor! ♪
- Oh, who am I kidding?
- ♪ You're poor ♪
- ♪ You're poor ♪
- ♪ I am poor ♪
- ♪ And I love... ♪
- ♪ Love... ♪
♪ This ♪
- [all applauding]
- [coins clinking]
[Velma gasping]
Take me to that money bath.
- [Fred grunts]
- Hm.
Fred, can I come in?
It's just me, your
dad's new girlfriend.
Nothing weird. Oh!
I know. And I'm not mad
about you dating my dad.
Monogamy is for
the middle class.
I'm mad because my
father's punishing me
for thinking my mom's innocent.
Well, sometimes parents
have to be tough on kids
because they care about them
and don't want to be
embarrassed publicly
by their dumb choices.
You wanna hear about caring?
Every year Mother helped me
with my science fair project.
She loved hiring the
scientists to do all the work
- and then stiffing them if I didn't win.
- [Diya groans]
I miss her so much.
Fred, I'm sorry, but as a way
to get to know each other,
- maybe I could help you with your project.
- Hm.
And what do I have
to do in return?
Teach you how to fit
into polite society?
- Nothing. Just pick a project.
- [gasps] Actually...
Mother never even
let me do that.
And I have always wondered
where toast comes from.
My hypothesis is the kitchen.
Well, that sounds
like a good start.
[determined music playing]
[keyboard clacking]
Lola! I did it!
You figured out the right amount
of Chinese food to
order for two people?
No. The scientific community
has given up on that.
I calculated exactly how
much electricity I need
to shock the neurons,
causing my hallucinations.
If it works, my dad will
assume it was the pot
and I won't have to pass
any more drug tests.
Okay, but to be safe,
before shocking your brain,
maybe try it on
something else first.
I'm confident in my equations.
But hey, if you insist.
- [cranks]
- [whirring]
- [buzzing]
- [beeping]
- [both gasp]
- [splatters]
Hm.
- [beeps]
- [line ringing]
- [phone line clicks]
- Velma, if we want to win,
I'm gonna need that tainted pee.
I'm on it, because even though
I've come to appreciate vast wealth
and no longer wanna break
up my mom and William,
- I'm still a good and honorable person.
- [line beeps]
Eat this and then
pee in a cup for me.
- Pull.
- [whirring]
- [g*n fires]
- [vase shatters]
[hip-hop music playing]
[female singer grunts]
♪ I know I got it ♪
- ♪ You can never take ♪
- ♪ Never ♪
- ♪ There's only one ♪
- [angelic choir]
- ♪ Ain't no duplicates ♪
- [applauding]
- ♪ I'm here to stay ♪
- ♪Yeah ♪
- ♪ The crown is here to lay ♪
- Ah!
♪ If you wanna see it
bad Let me demonstrate ♪
♪ There's levels to the game ♪
♪ I see you haven't changed ♪
♪ I had to elevate I could
never stay the same ♪
♪ I'm going to the top ♪
♪ You can try And follow
too ♪ - [all clamoring]
♪ Not too many people That can
walk in these shoes ♪ - Whoa!
♪ Hard work and discipline
Got me where I am today ♪
♪ Focus is the key That
will never go away ♪
[tires screeching]
- ♪ Get on my, get on my ♪
- [both laughing]
♪ Get on my level Yeah ♪
[panicked breathing]
Where's Velma?
Norville? Test time.
One second.
My dad is going to test me.
If Velma doesn't show
up with the dirty pee,
I'll just have to try
the shock treatment.
At least the last potato
almost didn't explode.
- [sizzling]
- Norville, you can't risk it.
Just smoke weed already.
TBH, this jar is
half bong water.
- Hey, Norville.
- Velma, my number one buddy.
And by number one, I mean urine.
Velma's here. Yes, I refer to
myself in the third person now.
So, do you have the pee or not?
Yes! Oh! I'm saved. Uh...
Why does this have a price tag?
And why is it $9.99?
[laughs] Oh, wait.
This is too funny.
You know what this is?
This is a juice sh*t,
my fabulous wellness
doctor has put me on.
Oh, okay, but where's
the dirty pee?
Papa needs that liquid gold.
Sorry. One of the cleaning
people must have thrown it out.
But don't worry. It's okay if
you fail the test and we lose.
I want my mom to date William.
It's not okay! My
dad will freak out!
And I didn't plan on having our
inevitable "I'm not you, Dad" fight,
until I got my Carl Jung
poster back from the framers.
Norville, listen to Velma.
As someone who now lives a
life of zero consequences,
believe me when I say this, too much
stress is terrible for your skin.
But still, I'll make this right.
What?
- Ahh! What? No!
- [laughing]
[sizzling]
And so, in conclusion,
while we can now
say with confidence
where toast comes from
[creaks] [gasps]
where it came from before
the advent of the toaster,
remains one of science's
greatest mysteries.
Great job, Fred.
You even managed to say
"focaccia" inoffensively.
- [sentimental music playing]
- [Fred sighs]
Wait, why do I feel
all warm and safe?
Because that's what
hugs feel like?
No! Mother said hugs drained
children of their resilience.
That's why she selflessly
refused to ever give me one.
Okay. Well, since you're
so good at science now,
do you wanna test
out that hypothesis?
I guess.
I mean, I'm always happy
to prove Mother right.
[chuckles] Mm. Little
Freddie feel cozy.
No! These feelings
are wrong. Stop!
- Fred, I'm sorry.
- [Fred] I hate this.
Stop hugging me!
I'm trying.
Hm?
[Gigi] Our science fair
project was testing
the power of positive
reinforcement.
So we spoke different
words to rats
and then measured
their maize feed.
The rat called Smart did way
better than the one called Sexy.
But the best was
mine. Hot Bitch.
Oh, wonderful!
Okay, so what's this
project, you Hot b*tches?
[groans softly]
It's about focusing
on what you want.
Like my moms need
clues in their Mr. S
and Sheriff Cogburn
m*rder investigation.
So we wrote, "Find the k*ller" on a piece
of paper, sealed it in this envelope
and spent 10 minutes each day
visualizing his discovery.
[laughing]
That is the dumbest project here,
and I just ate Fred's project.
- [rattles]
- [exclaims]
I'm so sorry your moms
made you work with Amber.
Wait. They made
you work with me?
The crows in my
dream were right.
I knew better than
to doubt them.
No, Olive's wrong.
I wanted to work with you, but I was too
embarrassed to admit it to my friends,
which is crazy, because
you're so interesting,
- and I think our project's amazing.
- [both gasp]
I agree. Every day I envision
I'm such a perfect father that
Norville will never feel the need
to think for himself
and push me away.
- [Lola] Mr. Rogers! Come quick.
- [grunts]
Norville cured his
hallucinations.
As Daddy knew he would.
[Lola] See? That's the area
that caused the hallucinations.
It used to be all lit up,
and now there's nothing.
[exclaims]
Norville, you did it.
See? The pot worked.
[chuckles] I'm so happy.
There's literally nothing I
wouldn't do for you right now.
I'd love to win
the science fair.
Okay, so about that...
Don't wanna invest in that.
Maybe. Oh, hello!
- [Lamont] Hello, science fair participants.
- Huh?
So many amazing projects.
Almost all of them went
right over my head.
- [crowd chuckles]
- Regardless,
the winner of this year's
blue ribbon is Velma Dinkley.
- [crowd clamoring]
- What?
- What?
- What? How?
I didn't enter. Though rich me does
still feel pretty deserving of it.
Velma, in conjunction
with her partner,
Neil deGrasse Tyson
and with generous funding
from the Fred D. And
William T. Jones Foundation,
proved aliens are
more likely to exist
- than to not exist.
- [crowd booing]
- [man] It's fixed.
- [woman] Burn the rich!
You're welcome, Velma.
What? You bought the
science fair for me?
But I didn't want to win.
And now everyone hates me.
Velma, being hated is a
huge part of being rich.
It's right up there with
calling waiters "garcon"
and hiring lookalikes
to confuse crowds.
Remember, you get
paid by the bruise.
- [lookalike grunts]
- [man] There they are. Get 'em!
Well, I'm not rich.
So, if people are gonna
hate me, I wanna earn it.
Like Scrooge or a
bad boy of tennis.
I get that.
It's just such a shame you'll
never get rich solving mysteries.
Yeah, but only because my
mom will probably force me
to do something boring with my
life, like cure heart disease.
Actually, Velma, if solving
mysteries is what you wanna do,
then go all in.
Parents don't always know what's
best for their kids, right, William?
[scoffs] Speak for yourself.
I handled Fred perfectly.
Why, this is the
first weekend in ages
I haven't heard any nonsense
about ghosts or Victoria.
What?
This means so much to me,
and... and my partner,
- Vermoose Drunkie. Oh!
- [thuds]
- [microphone feedback]
- Everyone! I understand you're upset.
But I will not accept this as
I did not work on this project.
Worse, I bailed on the team
I was supposed to work with
because I didn't know money would
make me forget about my friends.
Even though I was warned
by, like, every movie.
Regardless, the blue ribbon
should go to Norville.
His project is
obviously the best.
Thank you, Velma, but I
don't deserve it, either.
I just copied work my
grandmother did in the '70s.
[all gasping]
The only project here
that looks like it didn't have an
adult actually doing all the work
is Fred's toast thing.
- Give the award to him.
- Seriously?
I said, get off me!
[powers down]
- [crowd applauding]
- Thank you, Norville.
It says a lot when
you get more support
from the grandson of the
woman who ruined your life
than your own father.
Hey, we don't have enough
context to fully understand that.
It's okay, because I do.
Uh, Fred, look, I'm...
I'm sorry I refused to work on
your science fair project with you.
I thought you needed
a reality check.
But maybe what you really need
is a father who's
willing to listen,
even if what you're
saying is bat sh*t crazy.
Really?
That was mostly the nicest
thing you've ever said to me.
Yes.
So, would you like to use our upper
limbs to briefly cling together?
Oh, I suppose just
this one time.
[sighs]
Hey, Hot Bitch is missing!
You freaks better not have taken
her for some messed up potion.
I was gonna feed
her to my snake.
Call them a freak again, and
I'll feed you to my fist.
Daphne, Daphne. Don't let
them get under your skin.
Most people dislike magic. That's
why all magicians are virgins.
I know. It's just I wanted us to find
a clue and prove manifesting works.
Maybe even win Gigi
and Olive over.
But it did work.
Look what else was
in the envelope.
[gasps] Whoa.
It works on people, too?
'Cause I'm real tired of acting
nice to make people like me.
[chuckles] Okay.
Well, in that case,
would you like to learn
some real witchcraft?
[gasps] Norville, is Daphne
reading a spell book with interest?
And be warned, your
answer will dictate
how hard I squeeze your
arm in frustration.
Hm. Hard to say, as I
- Huh?
- [Lamont] Norville.
How did you get these journals?
Uh, how do you think?
I dressed up as a ghost and stole
them from the police station.
- [gasps]
- What?
Yeah. Sometimes I do bad things
that you don't know about.
For instance, I bought tainted pee
to pass your stupid drug tests.
[Lola] Oh, no! In neutralizing
his hallucinations,
Norville accidentally
removed all his empathy.
He's now functioning
with zero compassion.
This is why you listen to
me. Science has side effects.
Pot has none.
Now look me in my painfully dry,
bloodshot eyes and apologize.
No, because I think
for myself now.
And I think smoking
weed makes you a loser.
- [all] Ooh!
- [Velma] Oh!
Norville, that's just the
science talking. Take it back.
Or what, loser?
[all] Ooh!
Or you'll get detention.
[all] Ooh!
And you can all join him
for saying "ooh" to my son.
- Saturday, 7:00 am sharp.
- [all gasp]
Welcome to hell!
Wait. What were we
just talking about?
[theme music playing]
[mysterious music playing]
[squeaking]
[footsteps approaching]
[shrieks]