[gentle music playing]
- [sign clicks]
- [people chattering]
[heartbeat thumping]
[light clacks]
[young Hannah] I can't believe we get
to finally see a real prom.
You ready?
[mystical music plays]
[young Hannah]
Holy sh*t.
[young Jess] Let's promise each other
prom will be our night.
You'll be there
with the love of your life,
and the most popular girl in school,
the prom queen,
that'll be me,
no matter what it takes.
[upbeat music playing]
[exhales] Prom pact.
- [young Hannah] Prom pact.
- [loud slice]
- Oh. Oh!
- Oh, my God.
- What do I do?!
- Uh, just calm down.
- It's gonna be fine.
- I don't know how to calm down!
- [young Jess] It's okay! You're okay!
- [young Hannah] I'm okay.
- I'm okay!
- [people screaming]
[panting] I'm okay.
[screams]
["Downtown" by Macklemore
& Ryan Lewis playing]
Tip-toeing in the street like ballet
Pulled up, moped to the valet
Whitewalls on the wheels
like mayonnaise
Dope, my crew is ill
And all we need is two good wheels
Got gas in the t*nk, cash in the bank
And a bad little mama
with her ass in my face
I'ma dope!
[Jess] I can't believe
the dress that I ordered
four months ago never came.
[Hannah] Do you think it's 'cause we made
your delivery name d*ck Shartioli?
[Jess] Maybe, but that was the only dress
Luca thinks I look like a prom queen in.
Okay, are you ready?
[Hannah]
I mean, I guess.
Oh! [laughs]
- Holy sh*t!
- [Jess laughs]
Oh, Jess, you literally look like a penis.
- [Jess] Well, you look like a period.
- You're welcome.
Why do they even make dresses like this?
It's not like anyone looks good in them.
[curtain rattles]
[mellow pop music plays in store]
That's f*cked up.
[door bell chiming]
So do you wanna do sushi or pizza...?
Oh, I forgot to tell you,
Luca actually invited me to lunch.
- [Hannah groans]
- We can drop you off though.
I would rather get in a Lyft
with Thelma and Louise.
Don't be an assh*le.
[dreamy music playing]
Oooooh, Luca
[dreamy music distorts]
Hey, Hanky.
I'd offer you a lift, but the Beemer's
built for speed, not comfort.
Doubt you'd fit.
- [trunk door thuds]
- Save me a seat at assembly.
See ya!
[tires squeal]
Yeah. Hope his d*ck falls off!
- [horn blares]
- [pedestrian] f*ck you, assh*le!
- [tires screeching]
- [engine revving]
[techno music plays on speakers]
- [switch clicks]
- [car roof whirring]
[car roof thuds]
[windows whirring]
[clicks stereo]
[sensual music playing on car stereo]
Just wanted to maximize
our alone time together.
Oh.
- [switch clicks]
- [chair whirring]
[Jess] [chuckles] Okay.
- [chair whirring]
- I, um...
[Luca moans]
[Jess] I... Oh, oh.
- [chair whirring]
- [moaning]
- Oh, okay. [laughs]
- Okay.
Um, I just... [laughs]
[sensual music continues]
- What are you doing?
- I just don't want our first time
to be at 11:00 a.m.
in a parking lot.
[bicycle bell rings]
Just wait till tomorrow night.
We'll have a whole hotel room
to ourselves after prom.
- It'll be worth the wait.
- I'm not trying
to force myself
onto you or whatever.
- Mm!
- I just...
I want to be close to you.
I want to be close to you, too.
- So?
- No, I'm sorry.
[Luca sighs]
So what do you want to do for lunch?
Eh, I gotta go pick up
the keg for the pre-prom, so...
Well, you wanna hang out tonight instead?
Can't, FFF. Friday family fondue.
Right.
Well, if you change your mind,
I'd love to finally meet your parents.
Hmm.
I can take you back to school if you want.
[sighs] Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks.
Alright.
[students chattering]
[keypad clacking]
[door opens]
[chill music playing]
Same place, different love
Only call you up when I'm feeling low
Champagne feels better
than the real thing
Gimme the cash,
gimme the bag, gimme the loot
I want it all, gimme the love,
gimme your heart too
No one to blame, catching the flame,
just me and you
- Hey.
- [Hannah gulps]
[coughing]
Um, I just wanted to say thanks
for sending me the trig homework.
Kinda just needed to hand something in.
Didn't get a chance
to finish it because of my gig.
- [Hannah coughing]
- Jesus, are you okay?
[strained voice] Just choking.
[coughing]
[farts, gasps]
- Did you just fart?
- Nope.
[sniffs]
Thought I heard a fart.
You didn't. [coughs, gasps]
Okay, uh, well, I'll catch you later.
[spits]
[indistinct chatter]
- [Jess] Yo.
- [gasps] Yo!
There you are.
[Hannah coughs]
What'd Angie want?
Uh, just... [clears throat]
just talking about trig homework.
[Hannah clearing throat]
Gross.
Oh f*ck! That sucks for her.
- [clears throat]
- Where's Greg?
I don't know,
he said he had some, like,
student council thing.
Alright. Come on, folks,
let's settle down.
Alright, seniors. I know that some
of you are planning to take things
to the next level
tomorrow night, sexually.
- That's a word that we can use here.
- [crowd cheering]
We're all adults, or almost.
And so I've prepared
a little demo to have you watch
before you do something on your prom night
that you can't take back.
- [laughter]
- [student] Eat a d*ck!
Hey, shut up!
- Shut your holes!
- [students laughing]
Teen pregnancy is not a joke!
Unless it happens to somebody funny.
[laughter]
Protection is the key.
I'm gonna show every Johnson
in this room...
[crowd cheers]
...that condoms really are
one size fits all.
Observe.
Now imagine I am the thing in question.
[cheering, laughter]
- [Jess groans]
- Oh, my God.
Yeah, they should've just handed out
free condoms and called it a day.
Mm! Spoken like a true sexual expert.
- [Jess] I've only done it once.
- [Hannah] That's more than me.
God, I still cannot believe I greened out
and missed you meeting Johan,
the dreamy exchange student.
- [condom screeches]
- [Lundy groans]
[Jess]
Yeah. [nervous chuckle]
Yeah, it's crazy that he had to go back
to Germany, like, immediately.
Like, the very next day. Sucks.
[muffled] We have one final announcement.
Have a good time at prom.
And for heaven's sakes, use a condom!
[students applauding]
Hey, I wanted to ask you,
would you be okay
with doing pre-prom
at Luca's instead of yours?
The soccer team, they just,
they decided to throw
a big party last minute,
and Luca's the captain, so...
Seriously?
My mom planned, like,
a whole thing for us.
I know,
- but he's so excited.
- Ugh!
Fine.
As long as we're still
getting ready at mine.
Of course. Yes.
Yeah, well, nothing
could be worse than that.
[lively music playing]
- Is that...
- Greg.
[singing]
Night-oh, night-oh
Prom night come
and me no wanna go alone
Night-oh, night-oh
Prom night come
and me no wanna go alone
[upbeat electronic music playing]
- Is he prom-posing right now?
- Oh, my God.
Please, no.
[upbeat music continues]
Please come to prom
with me, my Hannah Banana
Prom night come
and me no wanna go alone
Please come to prom...
Oh, my God, he's getting closer.
- [spotlight clicks]
- [Hannah gasps]
Prom night come
and me no wanna go alone
Night, is a night,
is a night, is a night
Prom night come
and me no wanna go alone
Night, is a night,
is a night, is a night
Prom night come
and me no wanna go alone
[Jess]
They're putting a harness on him.
[Hannah] [groaning]
My, God.
One foot, two foot, three foot, dance
Prom night come
and me no wanna go alone
Six foot, seven foot,
eight foot, dance
Prom night come
and me no wanna go alone
[Hannah]
Oh, God.
Hannah, will you please go
to prom with me?
Yeah! Yes, just f*cking stop!
She said yes!
[students cheering and applauding]
[indistinct chatter]
[Hannah] It's always big public displays
of affection with him.
I told him not to do that.
He choreographed bananas for you.
Clearly, it came from a place of love.
I've been dating Luca for four months,
and I still can't even get him
to introduce me to his parents.
[Hannah]
Consider yourself lucky.
[Jess] Can't believe you two are going
to different colleges.
Do you remember when you
found out that he was sleeping
with a lock of your hair?
Dateline vibes.
Yeah. I think some space
will be a good thing.
[locker door thuds]
[Jess]
No one had their phones out.
[Hannah]
You literally had your phone out.
You wanna hang out tonight?
Vodka Heather's throwing a party.
Oh, God, I hope I'm the only Hannah
in my program.
I do not want to be saddled
with a nickname like that
my first year of college.
Are you kidding me? She loves it.
[Hannah]
That's actually surprisingly well done.
She's got a really smooth lower back.
[Jess]
Mm-hmm.
As much as I would love
to see that in person,
Greg told me to come over
tonight for a "surprise."
I'm guessing it's a shared burial plot.
We can give you a ride home, though.
[car horn honks]
[Jess]
Why's your brother here?
["Bad Attitude" by Bella Rios playing]
Don't you know
you make me crazy
Pull my hair...
I can't believe
this is happening right now.
I know. I've known you
since we were, like, five.
Are you thinking about five-year-old me
while I'm inside of you right now?
- [Jess laughs]
- That's f*cked up. That's...
You're sick.
- Does sex always have this much talking?
- Yeah.
Yeah, it does when you're nervous
because you like someone.
We can't tell Hannah.
Oh, my God, no. Mum's the word.
Oh, great, now I'm thinking
about your mom.
- [Jacob groans]
- [Jess gasps]
[Jacob] No, but imagine
I came when you said that.
[both laugh]
- [Jess] That would be so weird.
- [Jacob] That would be really f*cked up.
- [Jess] I know.
- [Jacob] That would be worse than,
like, you thinking about five-year-old me.
- [both continue chatting indistinctly]
- [Hannah snoring]
- [car door shuts]
- Hi.
Hi.
[Hannah]
Think your aux cord is busted.
Oh, uh, there's some CDs
in the glove box if you want.
Eh, whatever.
Your music taste is all women
who sound like sad ghosts anyways.
That's... fair.
- So when did you get back?
- Uh, yesterday.
Yeah, I, uh, actually,
I got a job at the Italian place
near our house,
so I'll be here till August.
- Oh.
- Felt like the right fit
because I would literally k*ll Hannah
for a free chicken parm.
Same. [laughs]
Hey, um, do you guys
wanna go to a show tonight?
There's this great band that's playing
a warehouse near Rutgers Campus.
Should be pretty cool.
- Uh, I...
- I can't, I'm hanging with Greg.
And Jess is probably busy
jerking it to a pic of Luca.
- Who's Luca?
- Her chodey boyfriend.
- Oh.
- [engine starts]
Get your feet down.
[foot thuds]
[Jacob]
You were adopted.
[Hannah]
Yeah, I know.
[song continues playing in car]
[Hannah]
Love you.
[Jess]
Love you.
Get home safe!
My door's right there.
Yeah, but you could trip.
Let's go! I gotta rock a fat piss.
- Why didn't you go at the school?
- I did.
- What?
- Gotta go again.
[Jacob]
What is the matter with you?
[mellow music playing]
[insects chirring]
[doorbell chimes]
Hi, Hannah. Come in, come in.
I'm just teaching Lucy a new trick.
Come on, you don't wanna miss this.
Lucy, what would you like for dinner?
[automated voice] Duck. Rice. Please.
[Hannah] Wow, she's hitting
all her food groups.
She's so advanced.
I'd send her to university,
but I'm so scared
of the fraternity parties.
She's so smart,
she doesn't even need a treat.
Her reward is communicating with Mommy.
Awesome.
I'm gonna check on dinner.
I'm cooking Ethiopian food tonight.
- Greg should be down in a second.
- Okay.
- [buttons clacking]
- [automated voice] Duck. Rice. Please.
Please. k*ll. Me.
Why would they even give you
those buttons as an option?
There's my Hannie Bananie.
Come upstairs, I have something
I wanna show you.
- [buttons clacking]
- [automated voice] Please. k*ll. Mommy.
k*ll. Mommy.
k*ll. Please.
Please. Please. Please.
[upbeat music plays on computer]
[chuckles]
Hey, everyone,
welcome back to my channel.
- So today...
- [computer chimes]
...I have a super exciting
makeup tutorial...
["Performative" by Subsonic Eye playing]
[keyboard clacking]
Hands outstretched,
now I don't even know
If I'm working, dying for who and what
Hands outstretched,
now I don't even know
If I'm sleeping, living for who and...
[keys jingling]
So, what musical did you wanna watch?
And before you say it,
I know we can't watch Phantom
'cause it's "too scary."
You're not gonna propose, are you?
- What if I did?
- You're not.
No! N-no.
I wanted to take a smaller step first.
[curious music playing]
[Greg sighs]
This is from Penn State.
Yes.
So why's it addressed to you?
You're going to Stanford.
You transferred.
I transferred!
[dramatic sting]
Now we don't have to worry
about expensive flights
or missing birthdays or anything.
I even weaseled my way
into the same dorm,
so we never have to be apart.
Isn't it so great?
We're gonna be together forever.
[dramatic sting]
[distorted voice]
Together forever.
Forever.
Forever.
I have to go.
[Greg] [normal voice]
What?
Hannah!
[dramatic music playing]
Hannah!
[Lucy panting, barks]
[Hannah groans]
Lucy!
["Really OK on My Own" by Coach Party
playing in car]
I wanna stay here
and be really okay on my own
Really okay on my own,
don't wanna be alone
Okay. You can do this.
They're gonna love you.
Don't wanna be...
[car door chimes, music stops]
- [car door thuds]
- [gate creaks]
[sensual music plays on speakers]
- Luca?
- [Luca] Jess?!
- Jesus!
- [Luca scoffs]
I thought you had a family dinner?
I do! I mean, I did.
I yelled at my mom for buying ham
instead of prosciutto,
so my parents went out without me.
How could you do this to me?
Look, it's not what it looks like.
I barely know this girl.
Uh, you texted me.
Janine, I swear to God.
[Janine] I'm so sorry,
I didn't know he was with someone.
- [Luca] Siri, pause "Sexy Time" playlist.
- [music stops]
Your text was a lie?
Not fully.
I bet my mom would think
that you have great taste
if she knew who you were.
You're an assh*le.
[Luca]
Jess.
Come on, Jess!
Yo, Janine, [scoffs] are you still here?
Could we DoorDash some 'scuitto?
[water splashes]
Luca cheated on me!
No. Greg transferred to Penn State.
What?!
Meet at my house now!
How could he f*cking do this to me?
There goes my chance at being prom queen.
He couldn't wait one night
to get his d*ck wet?
I bought handcuffs, Hannah. Handcuffs!
And yeah, I bought them
from the Halloween store
because the sex store kinda scares me,
but I was gonna Google how to use them
and blow his f*cking mind.
Like, I was gonna use them on my ankles.
That's crazy.
Ugh! You know what my
name is in his phone?
It's "Jess Harrison Lee High."
We go to the same f*cking school.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Hannah, you've said
the same thing, like, five times.
Look, I know that Greg's transferring
was a shock,
but isn't it a good thing?
Especially considering the alternative?
I'm a lesbian.
I've wanted to tell you forever,
but I could never get you
at the right time,
and I wasn't entirely sure
'cause I hadn't kissed a girl before,
so how could I know?
But then two weeks into dating,
Greg went down on me
for the first time,
and I had to think of Rachel Weisz
in The Mummy to cum.
And then it was obvious,
but I wasn't ready for my whole life
to be turned upside down,
so I figured I'd go to college
and get a septum ring,
and it'd sort of sort itself out,
but then Greg wanted
to wear my skin as a coat,
and now I can't live
one more second pretending
that I'm not obsessed with girls.
[chuckles]
Hannah.
[gentle music playing]
Hannah, I know you're gay.
- What?
- I'm your best friend.
And also, it's not exactly hard to tell.
What the...?
In fourth grade, you bought
Mrs. Workowski a bottle of perfume
and then when her husband
came for Career Day,
you called him a little bitch.
He was a little bitch.
- He was a firefighter.
- He was a bitchy firefighter.
How come you didn't say anything?
It wasn't my place.
I figured you'd tell me
when you were ready.
Just like I didn't tell you
I was Black until I was eight.
And also, when you started dating Greg,
I thought maybe you were bi.
No.
I was just scared.
So scared, I wasted 10 months
of my life giving hand jobs
to a guy with a Glee bumper sticker.
Oh, my God.
I just ran out.
How the f*ck am I gonna look him
in the eye tomorrow?
Tomorrow.
f*ck! Tomorrow is prom
and we don't have dates!
Dope! The perfect excuse not to go!
Uh, we are absolutely going.
Do you know how much of my college fund
I spent on two dresses?
Lashes? Shoes?
I got a Brazilian, Hannah.
I don't even know what that is.
Did you know you have hair
on your assh*le?
It is f*cked up down there! Okay?
We are going to prom,
and we're getting new dates tonight.
It is 9:00 p.m., Jessica.
- Prom pact.
- Stop.
Prom pact.
Oh, you wanna compare scars?
'Cause this landed me
in 10 months of therapy
after my mom thought I tried
to publicly commit su1c1de.
We promised that no matter what,
this would be our night.
[both squealing]
I can't wait to go to prom
with my boyfriend.
If I'm not dating someone by senior year,
I'm gonna drink bleach
and blast social media
so I can get a date with Taylor Lautner.
f*ck, I wish I thought of that.
That's just one part
of the perfect prom night.
We only have one sh*t at senior prom.
One. And we are this close.
I mean, are you really
gonna let some douchebag
who sprays f*cking Paco Rabanne
on his balls
screw up my moment in the spotlight?
I don't know what you want me to do.
I don't even know
what I would say to Greg.
You are going to prom
with the love of your life.
Or as close as we can get.
We're gonna find you a girl.
I've never even flirted with a girl.
I'm just supposed to ask one to prom?
I get why prom with a dude
doesn't seem so exciting.
But what about prom
with the girl of your dreams
who you get to maybe finger
in the limo later?
[chalk scratching]
That's your finger.
I do want to finger
the girl of my dreams.
He has to be hot.
Or at least hotter than Luca.
Anything less is proof I'm ugly.
[mouthful] Oh, my God,
what about Eric Stevens?
- [Jess] Who?
- That kid who brought a can
of Whiskas for lunch in ninth grade.
You mean Cat Stevens?
[gasps] Oh, my God! Amar.
His parents have a private jet,
and just broke up with Lisa.
Okay, yes. Calling him now.
Genius.
[line ringing]
I can't believe they used
the one where I sneezed.
Amar. I just was wondering
who you're going to prom with.
Yeah, no, that's great. I totally get it.
I'm so glad you two worked it out
because I heard that...
I-I heard a rumor
that she's cheating on you.
[Hannah gasps]
No, you didn't.
- I did.
- Yeah, you f*cking did.
[both laugh]
Okay. Ooh! Angie Adams.
- She's perfect.
- [Hannah] Are you kidding me?
I would die to come out at prom
with someone as cool as her.
Look, I might as well DM Sarah Paulson
and ask her to prom.
- Hannah.
- It would never happen.
[sighs] Fine.
[cellphone buzzes]
[Hannah]
Take this away from me.
Time to text Melissa Kelly.
- Okay, give it back.
- Mm.
"Hey.
"Do you wanna go to prom?
With me?"
- Mm, mm!
- What? What?
She's typing.
- [Jess] Come on!
- [Hannah] No!
That is a lie!
She hit, like, 42 home runs this year.
[Jess]
God.
- [Jess groans]
- Bitch.
- Hey.
- [Hannah groans]
[Hannah sighs]
[pop music playing on phone]
If we can't find anyone in high school,
let's go to college.
Scarlet Knights forever!
I'm never gonna die! Woo!
[muffled techno music playing in car]
[music blasts from car]
[music gets muffled again]
[Hannah]
Thank you!
[muffled techno music plays in house]
[indistinct chatter]
[Jess] We get in,
we ask someone, we get out.
[Hannah]
I'm having second thoughts.
Maybe we should just go home.
- I kinda want to go home.
- It's too late.
- Okay.
- [knocking on door]
[Jess]
Vodka Heather!
Jess.
- What the f*ck is up?
- [Jess chuckles]
Damn, I haven't seen you
since summer camp.
I didn't know you were hot now.
Oh, thank you. [laughs]
Um, yeah, no, anyway,
thanks, uh... thank you for sending
the address by the way.
We've had kind of, like, a crazy night
- like you wouldn't believe.
- Crazy.
Yeah, whatever. Take these.
[Jess]
Oh.
[Heather]
In it goes, yeah. Bottoms up.
- [Jess] Mm-hmm!
- And get in here,
the cops are already on my ass
for pissing on the neighbor's lawn.
[Hannah groans]
Serve and protect this ass,
you f*cking c**ts!
[techno music playing on speakers]
So, um, are there any single...
[coughs] guys?
Let's just leave.
[coughs] Hey, Hannah!
- I don't know what to do, Jess.
- Relax.
How do you even flirt with a lesbian?
Uh, well, how would you want someone
to flirt with you?
I don't know, by, like, uh,
giving me a-a bunch of different flowers
and they all, like,
represent the different qualities
about me.
Wow, you are gay.
- You're not helping.
- Okay, okay.
Just, just tell them
that they smell nice.
- Everyone wants to hear that.
- Okay, yeah. Good call.
- Yeah?
- Okay.
[Jess]
Okay.
I am gonna go hit
on Timothe Chalamet.
You are gonna find a hot lesbian
and sweep her off her feet.
- Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Yeah? Okay?
- Yep.
- Alright. You ready?
I guess.
- Meet you on the other side.
- Okay.
[Jess]
Okay.
[hip-hop music playing]
How do I know who's gay?
- [tires screech]
- [car rumbling]
- [brakes squeal]
- [Greg groaning]
[crying, muttering]
[groaning, crying]
[cellphone buzzing]
- Hi, Mommy.
- Did you find her?
No, she wo...
she won't pick up her phone.
I'm talking about Lucy!
I'm worried sick! That's your sister!
I don't care about the damn dog!
I'm chasing the love of my life.
- Oh, God.
- [Greg crying]
Hannah, please.
I know I come on strong,
but it's just because of the amount
of love I have in my heart.
[Jacob]
Hey, she's not here.
Last I heard, she was with you. I...
[Greg crying, muttering]
- Okay.
- She's-She's not with me.
- She's not.
- [Jacob] Are you okay?
[sniffles] I don't know.
I'm probably
pretty dehydrated because...
I've been crying a lot.
- A lot.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Um, you stay here, okay?
I'm gonna get you some water. Okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- [Greg crying]
- You gonna be okay?
- Uh, yeah.
- You sure?
- Yeah. [cries]
- Okay.
[sobbing]
Think happy thoughts.
No!
[Greg screams]
["Monacillo" by Argonaut & Wasp playing]
Like a Wall Street widow
That's a good one.
You an Angel Olsen fan?
Are you an Angel Olsen fan?
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, si, si. Um...
- Hmm.
- Um, so, yeah, so I know some basics.
Giancarlo. [chuckles]
I like that. [chuckles]
Totally.
Hey, do you want to get a drink?
Find myself in a taxi ride
I got this. I got this.
Forget my apartment
Hey.
What's up?
I take no sh*t from no one,
robbed two banks in Puerto Rico
Oh.
After you. After you. [chuckles]
After me.
Awesome party, you guys. Really k*ller.
Hi. Hi.
Hey. How's it...
Yes, sir, been misbehaving
- Dammit.
- It's the law
Oh, when the day's been calling
- Find myself in a taxi ride
- Um...
Uh, you smell really good.
Oh, sweetheart.
[soft laugh] I'm a twink.
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
- Don't worry about it.
- Oh, my God.
- Now I know I look good.
[both chuckle]
I'm so sorry.
[indistinct chatter, yelling]
Waking in an old cellblock
Forget my apartment
You won't find me
[Hannah]
Oh, I'm sorry.
- Get in here.
- No, no, no, it's okay.
- I really don't...
- Get the f*ck in here.
Move.
Mm.
You look stressed. You want some molly?
Actually, I'm trying to cut back.
But thank you.
[pill crunching]
I'm gonna go find Jess.
- [hand slaps]
- You need to get high.
- What?
- Here.
You know,
I used to be just like you.
Sad, no confidence,
wetting the bed all the time.
I don't wet the bed.
Until I became Vodka Heather.
Vodka Heather can do anything.
Watch this.
- [skin sizzling]
- Whoa! Don't do that!
Kiss each other.
- See?
- Yeah, I don't think I want what you have.
You do. It's all about confidence.
Substance-induced confidence.
Don't you think talking to girls would be
a lot easier if you were confident?
- f*ck it.
- [Heather chuckles]
That's the spirit. Gimme your keys.
[sniffs]
- [keys jingling]
- Get down here. Come on.
- [thumping bass music playing]
- [muffled guests chattering]
[chuckles] Open wide.
[Hannah sniffs]
[keys rattling]
So? How do you feel?
[dramatic sting]
Gay as hell.
So, do you study film with Heather?
[Jess]
Mm.
Yeah, same.
Yeah.
Yeah. Hey, do you wanna go
somewhere else to talk?
- Absolutely.
- Okay.
[Heather]
It's time. Go get 'em, tiger.
Wait, how do I know who's gay?
Uh, it's a first-year college party.
Everyone's gay.
Okay.
[exhales sharply]
- Yeah!
- Ah ah ah ah ah ah
Oh oh, oh oh
Ah ah ah ah ah ah
Oh oh oh
Ah ah ah ah ah ah
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
[chill music playing]
Ah ah ah ah ah, ah ah
Oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh, ah ah
Ah ah ah
You here alone?
Yeah.
[sharp inhale]
Not anymore.
[eerie music playing]
[giggles] Oh. Ooh.
[chuckles] Interesting.
- [door closes]
- Um, yeah, no, u-uh, sorry.
I-I'm sorry if I was too forward,
I just, I just wanted
to ask you a question
[laughing] Okay.
Yeah, no, I was wondering
if maybe you're free tomorrow to...
Oh, okay.
Yeah, do a little more of that. Um...
[Jess laughs]
Thank you.
[both moaning]
[door closes]
- [both moaning]
- [kisses smacking]
Oh, hell yeah.
Okay, my turn. [grunts]
[gasps]
Cool fanny pack.
[fanny pack clatters]
- Hot.
- Yeah, it's whatever.
[zipper buzzes]
[Hannah grunts]
f*ck.
You know, actually, I prefer
to do it with them on.
[Amber laughs]
[Amber]
Who are you?
I'm Hannah motherfuckin' Shapiro.
Wait. My last name's Shapiro. [laughs]
[Hannah] It's a pretty common
last name. Where are you from?
Seattle. [chuckles]
Wait. What's your dad's name?
Nate.
With the restaurant?
- Yes.
- We're second cousins.
No, we can't...
Wait, was your
bat mitzvah theme Twilight?
[Hannah] [gasps]
Oh, my God, yeah.
I guess this is why people have
family reunions.
- [police sirens wail]
- [Amber] Oh, my God. Thank God.
- Holy sh*t.
- You wanna just, uh, pretend
- this never happened?
- Hundred percent.
[Amber]
Yeah.
Hey, did you know Aunt Marsha d*ed?
[Amber]
Jesus. Bad time.
- [door thuds]
- [police radio chatter]
[people screaming]
We got a complaint that this house
was blasting Charli XCX,
so I know somebody's
snorting dr*gs in here.
Let's dance.
[Hannah]
sh*t!
Finally, Christ, you pay
so much for data,
you'd think Google Translate would work.
[sighs] Okay, um... [clears throat]
Uh...
- Oh, sh*t! Sorry.
- Oh, my God!
- Hannah!
- The cops are here! We gotta go!
[footsteps clomping]
Was that guy trying to k*ll you?
Look, it was either that
or intense sexual chemistry,
and I was willing to find out.
- Oh, come on.
- [Jess groans]
Eat glass, pigs.
- [bottle shatters]
- Run!
Great party!
- [dramatic music playing]
- [Jess shrieks]
- [sirens blares]
- [people screaming]
[helicopter hovering]
No, wait. Come on.
[sirens wailing]
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t. What do we do?
I snorted a bunch of dr*gs.
If they test me,
I'm going to jail for sure.
What do you think they're gonna do to me?
I'm a Black teenager
who broke a minor law,
I'm their wet f*ckin' dream.
- We gotta go over.
- [Hannah] Oh, f*ck.
[Jess] If we double bounce,
we can get enough air
to clear the fence.
[both grunt]
- I got you.
- Okay, okay, thanks.
- [Hannah] Okay.
- [Jess grunts]
[Jess] Ready?
Ninja kick over the fence.
- Hiya!
- Yeah, like that, like that. Yeah.
- Hiya!
- Ya!
[Hannah]
Oh, this is fun!
- [Hannah laughs]
- Hey, shut up!
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
I think I'm still pretty high.
Give me your hands.
Okay, we hop two, turn,
- and count, okay?
- Okay. Ah!
[both]
One, two, three!
[both scream]
[water splashes]
[water bubbling]
[both gasping]
Holy sh*t. Oh, my God.
[Jess]
We f*cking did it!
You're a genius!
I never should have doubted you.
[Jess laughs]
[tense sting]
Are you...
girls?
[Jess]
Yes.
[frat bros cheering]
[gulping]
Alright, pace yourself.
[gasping breaths, sniffs]
- Thanks, Jacob.
- Yeah.
You have a really calming presence.
I think it's 'cause
you remind me of, of...
O-Okay, okay, okay. Hey, hey, hey,
it's okay, it's okay.
Look, I-I'm-I'm sure everything is,
is gonna work out
exactly how it's supposed to, you know?
And ma-maybe Hannah just needs
some time to think.
You know, hav-haven't you ever
needed time away from her
- to-to-to process or just...
- No.
I would live in her pocket if I could.
Okay. Okay.
I'm-I'm sorry, Jacob.
It's just... [sniffles]
- No, no. It's...
- I don't mean to be a burden.
I just, I-I can't be alone right now.
I just can't.
Hey, um, I was gonna go
to a concert tonight.
Do you want to come with me to that?
- Thank you!
- Oh!
Oh, please.
- Okay.
- Can we hold hands in the car?
[indistinct chatter]
[frat bro 1]
Oh, your hair's straight again. Cool.
Uh... thanks.
Sorry we had to crash your party.
We kind of had no choice.
But, you know, without you guys,
we probably would be arrested right now.
Actually, I'd say us somersaulting
through the air is what saved us,
but, you know...
Yeah, thank you so much.
Are you kidding? You babes are
the ones helping us out.
This was supposed to be
our frat's big end of year kegger,
but, [burps] none of the sororities
we invited showed up, so...
[frat bros] One, two, three.
[bottles shattering]
- [grunts]
- [together] For the boys!
[frat bro 2]
You're not coming tonight?
Okay, looks like I took
that mandatory consent course for nothing.
- [punch thuds]
- [groans]
Wonder why.
- I'm Jess by the way.
- Reggie.
So, do you ladies want me
to get you some drinks?
Um, we should really be going.
And our parents know our exact locations,
so they'd be able to find us
if for some reason
we were blocked from leaving.
- Huh.
- [laughs] She's just...
She's just kidding. [laughs]
Hannah, Hannah, can I,
can I talk to you over there for a sec?
- [hip-hop music playing]
- [indistinct chatter, shouting]
- I think we should stay.
- Are you serious?
Frat bros are, like,
the most rapey subgroup of men.
I don't get that vibe from Reggie.
He seems honest.
God, you have horrible taste in men.
I promise I'll be quick, okay?
I'm ju... I'll-I'll just feel him out
and then ask him right away.
And then we can find
the gayest, queerest co-op
slash poetry slam slash vegan restaurant
you can imagine.
Come on, he's a hot college guy.
Everyone would freak
if I brought him to prom.
Please, Hans.
Fine.
- You're the best.
- I know.
Hey, wanna play beer pong?
[Reggie]
Rock 'n' roll. Table's this way.
[Hannah]
Okay, you know what?
Keep your location on, just in case.
Yes, Mommy.
[clears throat] Hey, so I was
wondering if maybe...
- I'm gay.
- Coolio. Cool.
Gay is good.
- In... So you're into sports, then?
- I'm gonna go inside.
Yeah. Right on.
- [door thuds]
- [sighs]
[narrator] [on TV]
The childhood nursery rhyme
"Lemur Lemur, Femur Femur"
has long delighted fans
of these petite, wide-eyed,
sharply snouted coconut enthusiasts.
While some lemurs
are active during the day,
some can be quite active at night...
[narrator continues indistinctly]
[door opens]
[sighs]
Ugh.
- [muffled thumping music playing]
- [muffled chatter from outside]
[sniffs]
[groans]
[alcohol swishes]
[zipper buzzes]
[cellphone clicks]
Oh, f*ck.
[muffled thumping
music continues]
[objects clattering]
[sighs]
[inhales]
[sighs]
- [ball clacks]
- [Reggie] Ugh!
[ball clatters]
- Damn, you're pretty good at this.
- [Jess] What can I say?
When I know what I want,
nothing stops me from getting it.
Same. You know, I actually
didn't get into college,
so I just started showing up
to the classes.
Now they have to give me a degree.
Mm. You wanna play another round?
Let's do it.
[gasps] The stripper's here!
[frat bros cheering]
Uh, wanna go up to my room instead?
Yeah. Uh, sure.
[Reggie]
Alright, cool.
Alright, Jess, it's time to get freaky.
Time to get freaky for a prom date.
[slap smacks]
I feel like a woman in STEM right now.
f*cking sisters doin' it for themselves.
Okay.
[keypad clacking]
[cellphone clicks]
[muffled excited chatter]
- [door opens]
- [bros chattering]
[Hannah]
Jesus.
Uh, s-sorry. Guess I'll just...
Um, can I... Can... [grunts]
f*ck.
Alright, listen up, boys!
This is Lexi.
[frat bro] Hi.
Uh, tip well and be respectful
'cause she's a dancer
from the only company
that hasn't blacklisted our frat yet.
[frat bros cheering]
Oh, thanks.
["So What" by Stella Mwangi playing]
[bros gasping, chattering]
Oh, sh... Okay.
Oh, my God. Um...
Baby, I'm hot
Y'all need to set your watch
after my clock
So what, baby I'm hot
Y'all need to set your watch
after my clock
Clock, tick tock...
Wow. [chuckles]
You're quite the athlete.
Thanks.
I know, my coach says
one more concussion
and I'll have to learn to read again.
Oh, that's awful.
I know.
It was so hard the first time.
[Reggie sighs]
Wanna come sit?
I actually need a little help
with something.
Yes.
- Just sitting on your bed.
- [Reggie chuckles]
- [Jess clears throat]
- Okay. Uh...
[papers rustling]
Sorry, they're here somewhere.
Oh, no, take your time.
Protection is key.
What you want?
He can speak, but you know...
Um, my bubbe gave me this
hundred dollars for graduating. Just...
Aren't you generous?
[frat bros] [chanting]
Boobies! Boobies!
Boobies! Boobies! Boobies!
Boobies! Boobies!
[muffled] Boobies! Boobies!
Boobies! Boobies!
There they are. [chuckles]
- Let's go.
- I'm ready.
What?
I wanted your help
to write an email to my mom.
- What?
- All the concussions make me
super sensitive to light.
Did I say that already?
I-I can't look at a screen
for more than 10 minutes.
Oh. Yeah, no. Uh...
[chuckles] That's...
I, I just thought... [clears throat]
[Reggie]
Uh, I mean...
[muffled chanting continues]
...we can do it if you want.
Um, actually, uh, I-I was just,
I was gonna see
if you wanted to go to prom?
Wait, you want to go to prom
with me? I'd love to.
[frat bros]
Boobies! Boobies!
Boobies! Boobies!
Will you go to prom with me?
What was that, sweetheart?
[frat bros]
Boobies! Boobies!
Boobies! Boobies!
- [trophies rattling]
- Boobies! Boobies!
Are you serious?
Yeah. We'll have
the best night of our lives.
[trophy clanks]
[Jess groans]
Reggie?
Boobies! Boobies!
I get the feeling that you boys want me
to take my top off.
[frat bros]
Yeah!
No, no, no, no, no. That's okay.
You really don't have to do that.
[bros gasping, chuckling]
[excited chatter]
[bros whooping, chattering]
["So What" continues playing]
Clock, ding dong
Y'all need to set your watch
after my clock
[operatic music playing]
[echoing] I don't feel so good.
[distorted] [echoing] What?
[distorted] [echoing] I said...
I don't feel so...
- [items clatter]
- [frat bros] Oh!
Reggie?
[gasping breaths] Help! Help!
["So What" continues playing]
B ut you know I'm hangin' up the phone
And if I really gotta do it on my own
I tell him so what,
I'm better off alone
So what, baby I'm hot
Are you okay, sweetie?
- [Hannah sneezes]
- [frat bros] Oh!
Baby, I'm hot
Y'all need to set your watch
after my clock
[gags] Oh, my God.
[Lexi heaving]
- [retches]
- [vomit splashes]
[frat bros groan]
[gasps]
No. No, no, no. No.
You're gonna get us blacklisted.
[Hannah retches]
- [yelps] Oh!
- I'm so sorry.
[groans]
- Jess?
- [Jess] [muffled] Help!
- Jess?
- [muffled] Hannah!
Jess! I hear you!
- Jess?
- Hannah, I'm over here!
[Reggie groans]
- Oh, my God.
- [Reggie groans]
Oh, I thought you were dead.
- [Jess sighs]
- What happened?
[door bangs open]
- Oh, my God!
- [Jess] Hannah!
Get off my best friend, you creep!
- [mug shatters]
- [Jess screams]
I saved you.
No, you idiot, he was gonna go
to prom with me!
Why were you screaming for help?
- Are you bleeding?
- Yes! We need to leave.
- Like, now!
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Just get him off of me.
- Okay!
[Hannah grunts]
Pardon me. [grunts]
- Oh, my foot, my foot.
- Okay.
No, I got you. I got you.
- Come here.
- Okay.
- Yep. Pull, just pull.
- [grunts] Ah!
[Hannah] [grunts]
My God!
You don't need to scream.
- Okay, let's go. Come on.
- Okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
One second. [pants]
["So What" continues playing, muffled]
- [camera clicks]
- Hey, can you get a landscape of us...
- Are you f*cking kidding me?
- Okay, okay, okay, okay!
[door slams shut]
Oh, my God, I was so close.
What happened back there?
Well, let me think.
Um, you ditched me for a man
with the IQ of a ham sandwich,
and then I sneezed blood
all over a beautiful woman, so...
[mouths] f*ck.
You know what, I'm just...
This night is over, and I'm just,
I'm gonna go home.
Where are my keys?
Where the f*ck are my...
f*ck!
Oh, my God, I left them
at Heather's after doing that bump.
- Hannah. It's okay.
- [Hannah groans]
We're just gonna find
another party really quick,
I'm gonna grab a date,
and then boom, we're out of there.
What the f*ck are you talking about?
I f*cked my face, Jess. It's over.
- Hannah, come on, let's just...
- No, no.
We're meeting up with Jacob
to grab his keys.
And then you can do
whatever you want, okay?
Wait. Wait, you're calling Jacob?
[line ringing]
["By Your Side" by Go Betty Go playing]
You had your chance, now set me free
There's nothing left,
I've got to leave
And now when you reach out, you'll see
- I won't be by your side
- [crowd] [chanting] Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
- I can't be by your side
- [crowd cheers]
[Greg] That's something that you
gotta learn as a young person.
But they told me that
my cartilage is too weak
to handle a punch.
Oh, speaking of fighting,
I actually asked Mr. Sanchez
to pair me and Hannah up
in the self-defense class.
Little did I know
she has a mean right hook.
Knocked me clean out. Concussed.
Never been the same.
But she actually carried me
to the nurse's office,
and that was that.
That's when I knew she was the one for me.
I actually still have that gym shirt
with the blood on it.
- Yeah, I never washed it.
- Wow.
Never will wash it, actually.
- Yeah.
- Wow, that-that is crazy.
Hey, um, why don't you go grab us
some drinks from the bar?
- Huh?
- Oh, no problemo, Jakey.
You know, it's bonkers that it's taken us
this long to hang out one on one.
We have such great chemistry.
[Jacob]
Okay.
- By your side!
- [cellphone buzzing]
- Hannah.
- Yo. Where are you on campus?
I need to borrow your keys.
Hannah, let's just,
like, ring the doorbell
until your parents wake up.
Richardson and Wyckoff. Okay.
Yeah, we're, like,
10 minutes' walk from there.
Okay. [sighs]
Yeah, I'm with her right now. Why?
- What the f*ck?
- [water splashes]
Hello?
Hannah, can...
Okay.
I'm sorry.
If that was some ploy to try and get me
- to stay out with you...
- No.
...know it extremely isn't working!
I'm sorry, I thought
he was gonna say something.
What are you talking about?
I had sex with Jacob.
When?
When we visited him in January.
No, that's when you had
your one-night stand with Johan.
S...
- Johan is Jacob?
- I... [sighs]
[speaker 1] Thanks for making
our two-year anniversary so special.
- Boo-boo.
- [both laugh]
- [Hannah] No, you didn't.
- The night's not over yet.
- [Jess] Yes, I did. Hannah.
- Why don't you make a wish?
- [laughs]
- [Hannah/Jess continue arguing]
- Okay, I'll make a wish. Okay.
- Throw it in there.
- [water splashes]
- Oh, my God!
[Jess]
I-I didn't know what else to do.
I didn't wanna lie to my best friend
about doing it for the first time,
but then I knew I couldn't
tell you it was Jacob
'cause then you'd get upset.
Yeah? Well, 'cause we, you know,
talked in graphic detail about that night.
And I literally hyped you up
about riding the D.
And now you're telling me
the D you rode was my... Uh.
[Hannah groans, heaves]
- [retches]
- [vomit splashes]
- Oh, God.
- [Jess] I think I-I might have
genuine feelings for...
I kissed my cousin 'cause of you,
you f*cking brother fucker!
- You kissed your what?
- [Hannah groans]
[speaker 2]
She kissed her cousin?
- I saw a show about this.
- [Hannah heaves]
- [Hannah retches]
- [vomit splashes]
[speaker 1] Oh, God.
Oh, God. Let's just find
a different fountain.
- [speaker 2] That was my last quarter.
- [Hannah] Oh!
[speaker 1]
Oh, God. No, no.
[Hannah]
Oh, my God.
You're a horrible friend.
This whole shitty night only happened
'cause you're obsessed
with having the perfect prom night.
- You wanted to find a date too.
- Okay.
If it was that bad,
you could have just left.
And abandoned you in a frat house?
When have I ever left your side?
I cannot believe I let you drag me out
for the gay prom of my dreams.
Of course, this was always about you.
- Okay.
- Do you realize everything is
always about you?
[Jess] If I hadn't convinced you to come,
you would've been crawling
right back to Greg
and you would have acted
like nothing happened,
that everything was okay,
like you always do.
I'm, actually... I'm being
a super-ally right now.
Do not act like you understand
the pressures of coming out
'cause you really don't!
[speaker 2] Oh, so sorry, would you mind
keeping it down a little?
We support whatever's going on
between the two of you, but we're trying...
- I'll f*cking k*ll you!
- Don't you f*cking
interrupt my best friend!
- Okay, Jesus Christ.
- Okay.
Really romantic to have a moment
at a f*cking fountain at a college!
- Okay, have a good night. Thank you.
- Wow!
- Wow!
- [speaker 1] Wow.
- Wow!
- Wow!
- Hon. Hon!
- Wow!
[Hannah] Hope your wish
doesn't come true!
[speaker 1] Well, it did come true!
It was to have your face f*cked up!
[Jess]
Hannah
[cellphone buzzing]
There is no way
you're taking that phone call
instead of finishing this with me.
[Jess] I won't have a sh*t
at prom queen without him.
Are you serious?
- [Hannah scoffs]
- [cellphone continues buzzing]
Hannah!
- [cellphone continues buzzing]
- f*cking...
[sighs]
[somber music playing]
What do you want?
[Luca] [over phone] So, who's the cool guy
in the picture that you posted?
Why do you care?
[over phone] You seemed to have your
hands pretty full when I came by earlier.
Jess, I'm sorry. Come on.
I made a mistake.
She doesn't mean anything to me.
And FYI, she tried to get me
to take her to prom
and I said no.
- You are the one I want to go with.
- [sighs]
Yeah, well, Hannah and I, we're actually
at this really cool
warehouse show at Rutgers,
so I got to go.
[indistinct chatter]
Alright, your Shirley Temple
and virgin screwdriver.
Thank you kindly, bartender.
And-And might I add, I am very surprised
that your guys don't ask
for ID at this establishment.
I'm 16.
- [rock music playing on speakers]
- [patrons chattering]
Whiskey ginger ale.
I don't serve minors.
Can I just sit here?
[vocalist] [over microphone]
Alright, for this next song,
we got a very special guest.
Give it up for Angie Adams!
[crowd cheers and applauds]
One, two, three, four!
[lively rock music playing]
Hannah?
- [Jess groans]
- [speaker] Watch it!
- Oh, sh*t, I'm sorry. I...
- No, no, no, it's no problem.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Uh, have you,
have you seen Hannah?
No. Why? Is everything okay?
Yeah, no, I just, uh,
I told her that we did it.
sh*t. Um, okay.
How did she take it?
She... she threw up in a fountain
and then she ran away.
Better than I expected.
- [chuckles]
- Hey, I'm really sorry,
that car ride was super awkward.
I'm sure that your boyfriend is great
and I hope that you guys
are really happy together.
- Truly, I...
- Uh, actually, he cheated on me.
That fucker. We should k*ll him.
- [Jess laughs]
- Right?
Uh, hey, do you maybe wanna go sit
and talk for a minute?
Uh, yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay.
[vocalist] [singing]
You tear it down, whoa-oh
And I'll
Jacob?
[vocalist]
Never make a sound
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
Hannah?
A-Angie.
What are you doing here?
My sister's crashing here.
She invited me to play a little bit.
What are... what are you doing here?
I came to grab house keys
from my brother.
I've... I've had kind of a rough night.
Yeah, I can see that. What happened?
I had the good fortune of seeing
someone's boobs for the first time...
[chuckles]
...and then I promptly
sneezed blood on them.
[chuckles] Are you serious?
That's incredible.
Start at the beginning.
I need to know everything.
I'm actually kind of impressed
that you managed
to drop the ball
on two potential prom dates.
That's...
Yeah, okay, well,
your sister smashing a glass
over the head of one of them didn't help.
Yeah. Yeah, taking down frat bros:
the lesbian agenda.
[both chuckle]
What? What are you talking about?
Oh, my God, Jess, come on.
She's my sister.
You think I don't know she's gay?
I've caught her trying to leave the house
in my jorts, like, 30 times.
Can I ask you something?
Why do you care so much
about finding a prom date?
I guess, uh... [sighs]
going alone is kind of like admitting
that no one wanted to go with you.
But going with someone popular
means I've made it.
[Greg]
Oh, there you are.
You can't leave me like that, Dad...
I mean, Jake.
[sighs] You know I have abandon...
Oh, my God!
If you're here...
- [Jess] No.
- ...I gotta go get my girl.
- [Jacob] Wait.
- [Jess] No, no, no.
[Jacob] Um, I'm gonna go grab him.
Go find Hannah.
- [Jess] Okay.
- Hannah? Excuse me, sorry.
Hannah! Sorry, guys.
Hannah, where...
- Hannah!
- Jess.
Luca.
["It Haunts You Now"
by Go Betty Go playing]
[crowd cheering]
[vocalist] [singing] Takin' all the
places where you've been...
[Angie]
So your first time seeing boobs
was in front of 25 frat bros?
That's not how it goes for everyone?
Well, I mean...
Um, I just, I...
I don't know, I feel like
you've never done anything
half as embarrassing.
Hey, don't let my fat ass
and perfect personality fool you.
I went to circus camp until I was 15.
You're lying.
Whoa!
[both laugh]
- Yeah.
- I have a feeling you use
that trick on all the girls.
Not on all the girls.
Just the ones I'm trying to kiss.
Okay, I gotta ask.
Where is the student council kid
you're always with?
Greg?
Oh, I broke up with him.
Yeah, I'm a lesbian.
Well, I can't imagine
those clothes are really comfortable.
Should we go up to my sister's room
to find you something else?
Yeah, sure.
You're faking all the friends
that you made
Simply filling an empty place...
[Greg]
Please, please, please?
Has anyone seen a girl named Hannah?
She's 5'5" and the most perfect angel
in the world! Please!
- I don't have time for this.
- Oh, Jess, I f*cked up one time.
It's really over because
I made one mistake?
You never treated me properly, Luca.
I did a lot of things wrong.
I should have introduced you
to my parents.
I was confused. But I'm not anymore.
- It's too late.
- Come on. I swear I can make things right.
I want to go to prom together.
Like together-together.
Prom king and prom queen.
["It Haunts You Now" continues playing]
[music gets muffled]
So, you can, um,
- put... this on?
- [Hannah] Amazing.
Or we can both take our shirts off.
I would like to do that.
Yeah.
- [Hannah grunts]
- [Angie chuckles]
[kisses smacking]
[moaning, panting]
Um... wait, sorry.
Not to be, like, so deeply corny,
but will you go to prom with me?
[chuckles] Yeah.
[kisses smacking]
- Is it okay if I undo your...
- Yeah, yeah, of course.
Wait, wait.
Your real last name is Adams, right?
Yeah, why?
Yeah, no, no, nothing,
just... just keep going.
[softly] Okay.
[Hannah gasps]
[Hannah moaning]
This is the best night of my life.
[kisses smacking]
[door opens]
- Hannah?
- Greg!
What are you doing?
I've been looking for you all night.
- I thought you guys broke up?
- We did break up.
No, I told you I changed colleges for you,
and then you ran out of my house.
Yeah, that's a breakup.
What?
Hannah, how-how could you do this to me?
I'm in love with you.
Because I'm gay, Greg!
And I've always been gay.
And I, I was too afraid to say it before,
but I'm not afraid now.
So I'm sorry, but it's over.
So our relationship was a lie?
Ugh, gross.
[Hannah]
No, Angie. No, uh, I can explain!
I want you to be my girlfriend.
Dude, she doesn't want you here.
Okay? Why don't you just go home?
[laughs] Who the f*ck are you, tall boy?
- [Jess] Guys, please.
- I'm average height.
- What are you talking about?
- Geez, look at this sweater.
- You get this at a garage sale?
- What are you, a Formula 1 racer?
What are you talking about?
- What the f*ck?
- Judging me what I'm wearing?
- [Jess] Guys.
- Eat fist, bitch!
- [punch thuds]
- Get the f*ck off of him!
Hannah! Hannah, stop,
you're gonna make things worse!
Yeah, you tell her, babe!
I'm not afraid to hit a girl.
You just f*cking punched him.
What the f*ck is wrong with you?
I don't do drama.
I'll wait for you in the car.
- [Jacob groans]
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Yeah. No, it's fine. It's...
It's just my face.
Oh, so now you give a sh*t?
Take it easy, alright?
She was telling him to leave.
They're-They're not together.
Right?
[Jess]
I-I just need him for prom.
Are you serious?
- Jacob.
- No, it's, it's...
[Hannah laughs]
Don't f*cking start, Hannah.
Oh, no, it's just,
it's-it's so predictable!
Of course you were gonna
get back together with him.
- Of course!
- Well, I'm not gonna apologize
for having the confidence
to go after what I want.
You know, I hate
to break it to you, Jess,
but it's not confidence, it's desperation.
Desperation? You wanna talk
about desperation?
You're a lesbian who dated
a f*cking dude for a year.
Yeah, Jess.
But at least I didn't treat you
like dog sh*t in the process!
No. I guess just Greg.
[Luca] Babe, wrap it up
so I can get Taco Bell!
I'm about to hit my fasting window.
Tacos and some lovin'!
You're really gonna let him talk
to you like that?
Just so you have a f*cking date tomorrow?
You're pathetic.
And you know, the really sad part is that
you know he doesn't care about you.
And you still choose him.
'Cause you're so f*cking insecure,
you'd do anything to make people like you!
Well, sorry that I'd rather have
one perfect night
than stay an unfuckable reject like you!
[Hannah scoffs]
You know what?
I'm... [sighs]
I'm tired of you assuming
you can just treat me however you want
'cause you know
I'll always be there for you.
Have fun at prom with Luca.
I'm done.
Hannah!
[gentle music playing]
[birds chirping outside]
[doorbell chimes]
[sighs]
Last night was f*cked. I...
[inhales loudly]
Holy sh*t.
Good afternoon, Hannah.
How'd you get in here?
Your mom let us in.
She gave me a cookie.
The last cookie she'll ever give me.
"Us"?
[Melissa]
'Sup?
I assume you know my date Melissa,
from the softball team?
Hi.
Melissa and I have been having
a wonderful time so far.
She helped me get my frisbee
from the top of the garage.
She helped me dunk my first basketball.
Lifted me up by the shoulders.
- [Hannah] Uh-huh.
- Put it right in there.
- Felt like Shaq.
- [Hannah] Uh-huh.
[sniffles] I just can't seem to remember
you doing anything like that.
Okay. Um, can I talk to you alone
for a minute, please?
Um... when you told my mom
we broke up, you didn't, like,
tell her I was gay, right?
Of course not.
- [sighs deeply]
- Hannah, I'm heartbroken,
I'm not a monster.
I just came to pick up my car.
I left it here last night
when I went looking for you.
[sighs] I'm really sorry, Greg.
Did you know the whole time
we were dating?
Yeah, pretty much.
I just can't believe it. [scoffs]
All those weekends watching
Rachel and Finn sing
their hearts out meant nothing to you.
You're super fun to hang out with,
but, like, I can't change who I am.
You think I'm upset that you're gay?
Yes?
Hannah, I'm upset because you pretended
to be in love with me.
My entire senior year revolved
around you,
a-and you were just... using me.
If you had just told me,
I would have pretended
to be your boyfriend.
Or if you didn't have the guts to do that,
you should've dumped me.
But you could have
at least been a decent friend.
Just so you know, I, uh,
I transferred back to Stanford.
So... you don't have to worry
about me bothering you anymore.
[Hannah sighs]
[gentle music playing]
[muffled scream]
[pillow thuds]
[sharp exhale]
[car engine starts]
["BLOOM" by ill peach playing]
[speaker]
Woo!
[soccer players]
...55, 56, 57,
58, 59, 60!
[excited chatter]
Oh, that's a full minute, baby!
That's a new record!
Let's go! Woo!
That's it! That's it!
All right, dude. You're next.
Yeah, thank you, thank you.
Uh, thanks for coming. Thanks for coming.
- Congrats, bro.
- What's up, man?
- Lemme get a picture real quick.
- Yeah, let's do it, let's do it.
- Alright.
- [Luca] Let's go.
That sparkle
It goes away and then you know
[indistinct chatter]
Excuses start to weigh more than gold
Ohh, ohh
Ohh, ohh
What's up, sourpuss? Want some bubbly?
No.
Okay. More for me.
You know, I kinda wish
we were going straight
to the after party,
if ya know what I mean.
[sings] I used a condom with Janine,
so we don't have to
What?
You should be amped,
it smells great down there.
- Okay.
- Ooh, I know.
Do you wanna meet my parents?
Yeah.
Alright, let me go find my mom.
Mom! Come meet Jess, you slut!
Hey, sorry to bother you,
would you mind taking a picture of us?
Keara's absolutely beefing the self-timer.
It's not me, you bitch,
it's Jordan's janky Android.
Just use yours.
Please, no. I share
an iCloud account with my parents,
and I know one of you is gonna flash tit.
[Jess] I can just take it
on my phone and AirDrop it.
Perfect. Yeah.
[all giggling]
Guess Anne and Carm are missing out
on my nips again this year.
[laughter]
[group giggles]
- I got it.
- [Alanah] Ugh, you're an angel.
Come take a picture with us.
Hannah too, obviously.
[Keara]
Oh, yeah, go get her.
Um... no, yeah, actually,
I'm gonna go pick her up.
But we'll meet you guys at prom.
A-And you look really cute by the way.
- [Alanah] You too!
- [Keara] See you there!
Time to meet my slam piece.
[exhales] Jess?
[line beeping]
[automated voice] [on phone] The number
you've dialed is not in service.
[Jess]
Ugh. f*cking fountain phone!
[sighs]
Twenty-seven minutes?
[engine roaring]
[upbeat adventurous music playing]
[button beeps]
- Home?
- [dog barking]
Hannah! I'm a f*cking idiot, okay?
You were right,
I was putting dudes ahead of you,
which literally makes no sense
because nothing could compare
to our friendship!
I won't go to prom without you!
Hey.
She's not here.
Jacob.
[window thuds]
[sighs]
[door opens]
It's all you, doggie.
- [automated voice] Lucy.
- [Lucy barks]
Ah!
Oh, Lucy!
- [Lucy barking]
- [Barb] Oh, hi.
Oh, yes, you're home!
Where were you?
- [Lucy barks]
- [Barb] Where was my baby?
- [Lucy barking]
- [Barb] Oh, yes, yes!
I love you! I was so worried
about my baby!
- [Lucy barking]
- [Barb] You're my little baby!
- [engine starts]
- Oh, yes. Oh.
- Like, it looks bad, but...
- Does it hurt?
Uh, yeah, I mean, probably about as much
as a trophy to the head.
[Jess]
I'm so sorry.
- Ah.
- For everything.
You've been so great,
and I just keep f*cking it up.
Well, this might be
my head injury talking,
but I still like you.
I like you, too.
But we probably shouldn't
do this right now.
Right, yeah. No, you-you gotta figure
things out with Hannah first.
Yeah, and I, um...
I should really just focus
on myself for a bit,
make sure I'm dating
for the right reasons.
Self-awareness. Gross.
[both laugh]
Look, I don't expect you
to wait for me or anything.
But when I'm ready,
you'll be the first person I call.
Deal.
It's probably for the best
that we don't start dating now.
I lent Hannah my tux for prom,
so if you had asked me,
it would have just been this.
Wait. Hannah went to prom?
Eh, she said something about
meeting up with the drama club.
What...?
Did you steal Luca's car?
Yes, I did.
[Jacob]
God, that's hot.
[chuckles]
["Kiss Me Right Now" by Tatyana playing]
[students chattering]
Walked in the room,
I couldn't look away
Stop me dead with that electric gaze
Something so comforting
about your face
I don't know how,
but we might be the same
Never expected I would feel this way
I keep my head down,
take it day by day
I turned those feelings off
so long ago
Oh, my God, hurry up. We're so late.
I always thought
it'd be impossible, but
- You could kiss me right now
- Hey.
Hey! Where's Jess?
How should I know, Hanky?
I've been dreaming 'bout it...
We're all set up backstage. Ready?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Grace.
[sighs]
Mm-hmm, yeah
You could kiss me right now
- I don't understand it, no
- [indistinct chatter]
But I'm not gonna fight it...
- [stops music]
- Hey, ho, everybody, hold up.
One second, hold up, stop dancing.
Alright, we're gonna take
a quick break from the tunes
because the student fire marshal
is here to give us
a brief safety announcement, okay?
It's very important.
And then after that,
you can believe
that DJ Tony Turnpike
is gonna be back
with the noise.
The noise and the boys. You understand?
That's all slang for...
I actually don't know what it's for.
- Here you go, Hannah. You go ahead.
- Okay. Thanks.
- I'll leave you with this.
- [air horn blaring]
[automated voice]
Bush did 9/11.
Oh, Lord
Check that out.
[crowd murmurs]
[Hannah clears throat]
Hello, everybody in my grade.
I'm sorry to say that I am not up here
to provide safety information,
as the title "student fire marshal"
is completely made up.
[students gasping]
Student fire marshal's not real?
I was the student fire marshal.
Okay. Thank you.
I'm actually up here tonight because
I owe someone an apology.
This person is never
anything less than himself
and taught me that I shouldn't be either.
So...
I have something I need to say.
I'm a lesbian.
[crowd whoops and cheers]
And even though it's, like,
really scary to admit,
it feels way better than continuing
to pretend I'm something I'm not.
[crowd applauds]
Woo!
[crowd cheering]
- Why are we clapping?
- [Alanah/Keara] Shh!
[Hannah] Now, I'm not as good
a performer as he is,
but his love language
is grand gestures, so...
[music for Frank Sinatra's "L.O.V.E."
playing]
Greg, our relationship might be over,
but I hope we can stay friends forever.
I love ya, buddy.
[sings] G is for a guy
who loves his Glee
R is 'cause a ray of sun is he
Guys, I'm Greg! She's singing about me!
...is very, very extraordinary
- G...
- [Luca] Gay!
Even more of that special Greg
that we adore
Hey. Shut the f*ck up.
Hey. Where have you been?
What Hannah's doing
is braver than anything
you've ever done in your entire life.
[Luca]
Okay, chill. I was just kidding.
I didn't think that you two
were friends anymore anyway.
Yeah, well, you were wrong.
She's my best friend.
I'm just gonna be honest. You're kinda
being a super mega bitch right now.
["L.O.V.E." continues playing]
- [corsage clatters]
- We're done.
So you're gonna spend prom alone?
- Greg
- I'm not alone. I have her.
Is a real friend when you're in need
Alright, swag. Have fun with Dykey D.
Greg has always been
right there for me
[Hannah]
It's true.
- Greg's...
- [punch thuds]
[students gasping]
["L.O.V.E." continues playing]
- [microphone feedback squeals]
- Uh, thank you, fire marshal.
Thank you so much.
Uh, very, uh, interesting announcement.
That got a little bit weird,
folks, uh, in here,
so let's move right on to the love
with the first slow dance of the evening.
If you touch anything that seems
to be changing size,
just take your hand right off it, okay?
The most important part
about the pact is that this is our night.
It would be nothing without you.
- I love you.
- Oh. I love you too.
["I Won't Fight It"
by Andrew Belle playing]
May I have this dance?
Oh, I'd love nothing more.
[both laughing]
I'm sorry for what I said.
I was projecting,
and it was wrong.
[Hannah]
It's okay.
I probably shouldn't have freaked out
about you and Jacob.
If you guys really like each other,
I'm nothing but happy for you.
Thanks, Hans,
but I, I am gonna take a break
from serious relationships right now.
Does that mean
you're breaking up with me?
Oh, no, we are more than serious, bitch.
We are terminal.
You are never getting rid of me.
- [Hannah laughs]
- Ever.
Good. [chuckles]
I won't fight it, I won't
I'm gonna go get a drink.
Wait, did you...?
- Maybe.
- [Jess gasps]
- Hannah!
- Yeah.
Yeah. Unfuckable reject, who?
Oh, God. Yeah, okay.
Um... sorry, again.
Yeah, it was actually
the greatest thing to ever happen.
Like, she came on to me.
- As well she should.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Alright, well, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna get out of your way.
Mm-hmm.
A sharp tongue
- Love you.
- I love you.
It's obvious
- Okay.
- [Jess squeals]
There's a room in a hospital
where your body is
[Jess laughs]
The B-bridge...
Quite a show.
[Hannah] [chuckles]
Thank you.
Yeah, if you don't watch your back,
I'm gonna start stealing your gigs.
I'm... I'm really sorry
I dragged you into my sh*t.
It wasn't right.
But I wasn't lying when I said hanging out
with you was the best night of my life.
So, now that everything's just,
phew, out in the open,
I just, I feel like
there's one thing left to ask.
Will you be my girlfriend?
Uh, I... I don't think so.
- Huh?
- Uh, we, like, hooked up once.
Yeah, no, I just, I'm...
[stammers] We-we were so connected. I...
Yeah. Uh,
I mean, look, I-I think you're great,
and obviously I'm attracted to you,
but it's, like, you just came out.
To, like, the whole school
in a musical number?
[Hannah]
Mm.
Just feel like you have a few things
to sort out identity-wise.
Yeah. Yeah, no, that, that,
that, like, fully makes sense.
Yeah, for sure.
Do you have any q*eer friends?
Well, if it's not too awkward,
I'd love to be your first.
Yeah, sure.
Is it normal for lesbians to be friends
with the people they've hooked up with?
[chuckles]
You have so much to learn.
[both chuckle]
- I know.
- [both laugh]
[Greg] Softball's harder than baseball,
that's what you're saying?
Do you mind if I cut in?
[Melissa]
Nah, it's cool.
Grace. Um, great moves up there.
- [Grace chuckles]
- How's your night going?
Really good.
Um, but, Greg, I actually have
something to tell you.
[deep breath]
I only helped with your promposal
because I wanted to spend time with you.
And when I learned your top choice
for college was Stanford,
that's the only place I applied.
One time after gym class,
I even snuck into the shower you used
and collected some of your hair.
I keep it in my locket,
and every so often,
I sniff it for good luck.
I'm in love with you, Greg.
[Greg]
You were the best banana.
I love you, too. I think.
[romantic music playing]
[Hannah/Jess gasp]
[Hannah]
Damn!
- Okay.
- Okay, Greg.
Wow!
- That's happening right now.
- Wow.
- Awesome for them.
- I'm so scared.
Hey, h-how did it go with Angie?
It's pretty bad.
Oh, no, I'm sorry. Are you okay?
Yeah.
We're gonna be friends.
That's good.
[Hannah sighs]
- Prom kinda...
- Sucks, right?
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah. Um, wanna get out of here?
f*ck yeah.
What are you thinking,
Maps? Say It Ain't So?
Mm.
Definitely both classics,
but I want something harder.
- Mm.
- f*ck.
What?
We didn't take prom pics.
Give me your phone.
Come on.
[camera shutter clicking]
Done.
[indistinct cheering on TV]
Mm! Bitch, pay attention.
- It's starting.
- Mm!
- Okay. Are you ready?
- f*ck yeah.
Alright. One, two, one, two, three!
[The K*llers' "When You Were Young"
by Julia Lester & AHR playing]
You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now, here he comes
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young
Can we climb this mountain,
I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it
if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now, watch it go
We're burning down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane
That started turning
when you were young
When you were young
And sometimes you close your eyes
And see the place
where you used to live
When you were young
[lively rock music playing]
They say the devil's water,
it ain't so sweet
You don't have to drink right now
But you can dip your feet
Every once in a little while
[lively rock music continues]
You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now, here he comes
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young
Talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined
when you were young
I said he doesn't look
a thing like Jesus
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But more than you'll ever know
[song ends]
Night-oh
Night-oh
Prom night come
and me no wanna go alone
Night-oh, night-oh
Prom night come
and me no wanna go alone
[upbeat electronic music playing]
Please come to prom with me,
my Hannah Banana
Prom night come
and me no wanna go alone
Night, is a night,
is a night, is a night
Prom night come
and me no wanna go alone
Night, is a night,
is a night, is a night
Prom night come
and me no wanna go alone
One foot, two foot,
three foot, dance
Prom night come
and me no wanna go alone
Six foot, seven foot,
eight foot, dance
Prom night come
and me no wanna go alone
Prom Dates (2024)
Moderator: Maskath3