09x01 - Boo To A Goose

[bunniefuu]

This program me contains
some strong language.

TRAIN RUMBLES

TANNOY: - For the purposes
of safety and security,

CCTV is in operation
at this station

and across all
underground lines.

Thank you.

TANNOY: - Ladies and gentlemen,
I've just been informed

the next station is closed.

This train will not be
stopping at the next station.

For God's sake!

What was that? I missed it.

We're not stopping
at the next station.

Ah. Thank you so much.

- Do you mind?
- Sorry, bro.

I'm just looking at the map.

Do you know what the next station's going to be?
- No.

- I thought I recognised her from something.
- Which one?

The lady with the teeth.

You'll have to narrow
it down, Gerry.

She was the maid or
whatever she was.

What maid?

There wasn't a maid. It
was set in a shoe factory.

Well, the boss, then. I can't
remember all the details.

She was in Crown Court.

That was 50 years ago.

Not Crown Court, The Crown.

Well, who was she in that?

I think she was
Princess Margaret.

Lesley Manville?

Well, it might have been.

People have to work, Edie.

We haven't just
seen Lesley Manville

in an amateur production
of Kinky Boots, Gerry.

Frig me! Is there a homeless
convention in town this week?

- What?
- Behind you, you blind bitch.

If you're looking for
your dad, he's over there.

Don't, Wilm, he can't help it.

I think he's kind of cute.

Fine, go ahead and
shag him, then.

Least you won't have to
pay for his taxi fare home.

BOTH SNIGGER

Good evening, ladies
and gentlemen.

Very sorry to bother you.

I hope you're all having
a wonderful evening.

But as you can probably
tell from my appearance,

I'm sleeping on the
streets at the moment.

I'm asking if it would be possible
for any of you good people

to help me out with a
little bit of spare change.

I'm so embarrassed to
have to ask you like this,

but I don't have any
options at the moment.

I'd really appreciate
anything you can give

to help me out at
this difficult time.

- I'm sorry, darling.
- I don't have any change.

No-one does.

I need a card machine.

What? No, no, no, no, no.

What do you want to
do that for, bro?

They can track you
if you use cards.

- Who can?
- Them, innit? They're watching us right now.

No cards, cash only.

Do you have any cash?

Uh, no.

Here you go, dear.

Oh...

Thank you.
- Sorry it's not much.

That's all right,
I appreciate it.

- Every little helps!
- Yeah?

Stop it, Edie. He
won't know Tesco's.

I didn't mean Tesco's.

I was just saying
it as a phrase.

Just don't get involved.

CLANG

GROANS

Oh!

Jesus! Are you OK?

Are you OK?
- You all right, bro?

Yeah...

HE GROANS

HE GASPS

WILMA: - You are kidding me!

- TANNOY: - Very sorry
for the power outage,

ladies and gentlemen.
Do please sit tight

while we try and get things
up and running again.

Hopefully it won't be long.

MAN: - I heard some passengers
got stuck in a tunnel

for two weeks on the
Berlin U-Bahn system.

Power failed and they
were trapped inside.

The authorities
couldn't get to them.

They sat in the dark,

panic slowly setting in.

Then they ran out of water.

They turned on each
other in the end.

The weakest ones got eaten.

Jesus, I'd rather
eat my own tits

than chow down on
his gamey old meat.

Be like eating a pigeon.
- Beg your pardon?

I mean, my gag reflex is legendary,
but I draw the line at that.

Stop it!

SHE LAUGHS

- You should have more respect.
- Oh, keep your nose out, Melania Tramp,

or I'll put some buttons
in with your change.

What did you call me?

SCREAMING

What is it?
- Someone grabbed me.

GERRY: Who did?

I don't know. I don't know.

- You all right?
- Yeah, I think so.

All right. All right.

They... They pulled my bag
and I dropped it. Sorry.

Are you hurt?

No, I don't think so.

Were they going for the
breasts, do you think?

- Gerald!
- What? I'm just trying to establish the facts.

What's happened now?

We're not sure.

It's a sex pest in the carriage.

Operates in the dark.

- My purse has gone.
- Are you sure?

Yeah, it was in here. I just
had it and now it's gone.

Strike that. Sex pest and thief.

Will you stop saying that word?

- What word? Sex pest?
- Yes!

Sit down, please. I've got this.

OK, young man

empty your pockets.

What?

Empty your pockets.

This lady has had
her purse stolen.

What's that got to do with me?

I don't know yet.

Why am I being singled out?

HE SCOFFS

I don't mean to be insensitive,

but you're the only one
begging for money here.

That doesn't mean I'm a thief.

- Then empty your pockets.
- No.

And she had her breast pinched.
- Gerald!

No, no. No-one did that.

Poor woman's blotted it out.

Coping mechanism.

- Will you be quiet, please?
- Sorry.

Honestly, sir, I haven't done nothing.
- He doesn't have to

empty his pockets for you.
You're not the police.

He might be.

They put them on trains
undercover. I've seen 'em.

Look, the thief is
definitely on this carriage.

In the absence of the
law, I just want to check.

I'm only trying
to help this lady.

That's reasonable enough.

Absolutely it is.

And if he needs strip-searching,

I've got some Vaseline and
latex gloves in me fanny pack.

She gave me £2. Why
would I rob from her?

- Well, that's the oldest trick in the book.
- What is?

You remember what happened
with Sting's accountant?

He thought they were friends.
Scammed him for six mil.

It's hardly the
same thing, Gerry.

They always start small.

I don't mind
showing you my bags.

Ah, there you are, you see.

SHOUTS: Thank you, sir.
It's all perfectly fine.

There's nothing to hide if
you've got nothing to hide.

Huh?

BAG RUSTLES

That's great. Thank you.

I do have more.

That's... HE GASPS ...fine.

Don't you want to check them?

No, it's OK.

I trust you.

I wouldn't if I were you, miss.

WHISPERS: - Not plugged in.

We don't mind being
searched, do we, Edith?

Well, yes, but...

Just to rule ourselves out.

We've been to the theatre.

We enjoy Gilbert and
Sullivan. We're not hoodlums.

Honestly, you don't
have to, it's fine.

Did you have much money in it?

No, not much. But all my cards.

Well, don't... don't use cards.

Why will no-one listen
to me about this?

And a photograph of
my father which...

- TEARFULLY: - I wouldn't
want to lose that.

Well, look, I am happy to comply

and show that I haven't got it.

Edith? Edith.

Um...

This is just a car coat,

so it doesn't have pockets,

and there is nothing
in my handbag.

Well, two apple cores.

CLEARS HIS THROAT

You see?

That's what honest,
decent citizens do.

Now

are you going to let
me check your pockets?

Thank you.

Wasn't so hard, was it?

Speak for yourself, darling.
I found it quite erotic.

Don't be so childish.

Well, I bet you've never tried
to keep a tuck with a semi on.

Shall I speak to the driver?

Tell him there's
been an incident.

Good idea. Proper authorities.

What about your pockets,
Chief Inspector?

Can we look in them?

Yes.

Of course.

You see?

No-one is above the law.

You can't just do what you
want without consequences.

That's true. I snipped our
neighbour's hydrangeas back

and they planted
bamboo out of spite.

The drive's ruined,
isn't it, Gerry?

I'm afraid so.

It was an act of madness,

and now we live with
the encroachment.

Shafts of it poking through
the tarmac like Hydra's teeth!

Have you tried boiling water?

Of course we have!
It can't be stopped!

Sorry.

Who you working for?

Highton Grammar. I'm
a physics teacher.

No, no, no, I don't trust him.

He's been spying on
us the whole time.

Don't be ridiculous.

Yeah. You've been writing
stuff down about us in code.

That's a polygon.

Yeah! Look - "actor",
"fake", "task force".

It's a puzzle.

You have to make words from
the letters they give you.

Oh, I'm good at
those, let me see.

You're collating. I
see you collating.

Collating what?

Data. For them. There's
a bigger picture, yeah?

Yeah, we're all being
monitored. You must know that.

Yes! It's aliens.

I've seen them too.

They experimented on me
at a bus stop in Preston.

They put an R2-D2 in my bottom.

To scale, obviously.

He's not joking.

How do you know?

He's got it in that bag.

Oh, my God.

Speaking of bags, can
we see inside yours?

Definitely not.

Private property.

- Everybody else has.
- I said no.

Why not?

What have you got to hide?

Oi, f*ck off, man.

I'm so sorry.

I... I didn't mean to
cause this much upset.

Don't worry, it's
not your fault.

I'm just a bit shaken.

I've never had
anything stolen before.

Well, I'm sure the police
can sort it all out.

We'll make a statement, won't we, Gerry?
- Yes, of course.

I'm sorry, but I'm not
saying sh*t to the police.

I wouldn't trust them as
far as I could throw them.

Hardly surprising, is it?

Why'd you say that?

Oh, no reason.

No, go on. If you've
got something to say,

I think you should say it.

I've been a teacher
for 25 years.

I've seen the erosion of
respect for authority.

There was a time when I
would walk into a classroom

and 30 students would
stand up immediately.

Oh, is that what you want?

"Good morning, sir."

This lady is a nurse!

It wasn't so long ago

we were standing in the street
applauding their efforts.

Or maybe you never bothered?

No, maybe I never did.

Do you have a list of
everyone who banged a pan?

Oh, the Government do.
They see everything.

We were out there at least
three times, weren't we, Edith?

Although that Le Creuset
was bloody heavy.

♪ As some day it may happen
that a victim must be found

♪ I've got a little list
I've got a little list

♪ Of society offenders who
may well be underground

♪ And who never would be missed

♪ Who never would be missed

♪ There's the pestilential...

Frig me, it's like
Hamilton for hobos.

- It's from The Mikado.
- Oh!

♪ ...People who
have flabby hands

♪ And irritating laughs

♪ All children who are up
in dates and floor you...

Thank you, darling.
We'll let you know.

♪ All persons who
in shaking hands...

All right! All right, let's
stop playing silly buggers.

Open the bag.
- No.

Well, I'm afraid I'm
going to have to insist,

because you were
closest to this lady

when the incident occurred.
- Stay the f*ck away from me.

♪ They never would be missed. ♪

If... If I could
make a suggestion?

Let's take a vote. See what
the general feeling is.

Very good, Edith.

Democracy manifest.

Everyone who thinks...

Sorry, I didn't catch your name.

I didn't give you my name.

Well, we could vote
on whether he should.

No, he doesn't have to give
us his name, it's fine.

Harold. My name's Harold.

Oh, hello, Harold.

I'm Edith, and this
is my husband, Gerry.

Hello.

Binks. Raymond Binks.

I'm Elena.

It's very nice to meet you all.

Well, my boy name is Jonathan
- urgh, gives me the ick,

but my drag name

is Wilma Dickshow.
- Wilma...?

- Dickshow.
- Right.

I do a bottomless brunch
first Thursday of every month

at the Purple Sock. I know

I'll put you all
on the guest list.

Gerry and Edith. Elena.
What was your name again?

I'm not giving you
my name, all right?

Oh, damn it. I thought I was
going to Columbo him then.

He doesn't have to give you
his name. He doesn't have to

give you anything. Just
because you assume authority,

like the fascist
prick that you are.

Well, when the police
become involved,

we'll all have to give
our names, won't we?

- I won't.
- You tell him, Cleo... Oh, bum cheeks!

All right, this has gone on long
enough. Is there anybody here

who thinks I shouldn't look
inside this young man's bag,

by force, if necessary?
- Yes!

Come on.

Well, someone's nicked
her purse, darling,

and it wasn't me.

There you are, see?

Hand it over.
- Oi, oi!

What you doing, man?

Is no-one going to stand up to him?
- Give it to me.

Someone stop him!

TANNOY: - Me again, folks.

Sorry about the
continuing loss of power.

We should be on our
way fairly shortly.

We are aware there's
been an incident

in one of the carriages,

and the proper authorities
have been informed.

Once again,

I apologise for any
inconvenience caused.

Can I have my
newspaper back, please?

Oh, yes. I got "frock",
unsurprisingly,

and "fork".

I wanted "cock",

but there's only one C.

Did you know that "Meryl Streep"

is an anagram of
"try eel sperm"?

It's always tickled me.

What did the driver say?

He said there's a replacement
service on the way.

Shouldn't be long now.

Well, looks as though I'm
going to be late for work.

HE SCOFFS

I'd love to be late for work.

My job's 24/7.

Your job?

COINS RATTLE

Surviving.

Do you make much money
going up and down?

No.

People are just
embarrassed. I get it.

I'm asking for generosity.

It puts them in the position
of deciding to be kind or not.

Do you think people
are not kind?

I think most people
don't believe me

when I tell them
I've got nothing.

They think it's a
con, I'm just lying.

At the hospital, I
see the opposite.

Lots of frightened people
trying to make sense

of what's happening to them.

They just really want to know

that everything's going
to be all right, but

sometimes they can't
accept the truth.

Here...

You can have your £2 back.

Oh, no, no. You keep that.

- Are you sure?
- Hmm. Yeah, course.

Hope it brings you luck.

Says here they're
doing Salad Days

for their Christmas show.
Shall we book for that, Edie?

Boxing Day treat?
- Hmm?

Shall we book Salad
Days for Christmas?

No. I don't want
to see Salad Days.

What's the matter?

I think that man's a bully.

- Who?
- The teacher.

Why do we always let
people like him bully us?

We're people in our own right.

We have our own opinions.

Yes, of course we do, but we
don't have to blurt them out

to every Tom, d*ck
and Harold, do we?

I don't know. I think we
just sunk into ourselves.

Anything for a quiet life.

Well, there's nothing
wrong with that, is there?

What happened to you, Gerald?

You used to be such a firebrand.

When you had that
trouble at work,

you were the first one to
lead your team out on strike.

Standing there with your
whistle and your megaphone.

That was a long time ago, Edie.

I came and brought you soup.

Do you remember?

In a big pot with a ladle.

And we all sang that
song from Oliver!

Food Glorious Food.

What is it, love?

What's the matter?

I want more, Gerry.

I want more!

MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES

Here, it's your favourite.

All Too Well [10 Minute Version]
[Taylor's Version] [From the Vault].

What?

You're not going to have an eppy

because I didn't put
my hand up, are you?

I can't believe you'd let
him get away with that.

Oh, Cleo, come down off
your high horse, darling.

It's exhausting.

He assaulted those
two young men.

Yeah, and we had
front-row seats.

Lucky us.

It's not every day you
get a free sex show

on your train ride home, is it?

I should have filmed
it for OnlyFans.

The Teacher, The Tramp
And The t*rror1st.

He's not a t*rror1st.
Why is he a t*rror1st?

He was clinging onto that bag

tighter than Judy
Finnegan to a wine glass.

And I bet he grew that beard

to hide his face
from the cameras.

Not everyone with a bag and a
beard is a t*rror1st, Wilma.

Yeah, and not everyone

who tapes their knob
to their arsehole

is a drag queen but... You know.

- I think she may be right.
- Thank you.

Where are you heading to?

None of your business, man.

You didn't seem to know
the area, that's all.

Look, I'm not explaining myself
to you. I'm not on trial,

I'm not at school. I've
done nothing wrong.

"The lady doth protest
too much, methinks."

Shakespeare.

Well, they're sending
somebody to help us.

Maybe we should just wait.

Yeah.

- HOMELESS MAN: -
Well, I believe him.

Thank you.

- Not you. Him.
- Oh.

That's not a particularly
glowing endorsement

coming from a common thief.

I'm not a thief.

Crawling up and down the
train carriage all day,

begging for change!

You work your
fingers to the bone!

Shut your mouth!

I'm with you. Someone's
got to stand up to the man.

Exactly. And he's
been lording it

over us this whole time
like he's better than us.

Well, you're not!
And the rest of you

can sit there and do nothing

but I'm taking
affirmative action.

HE LAUGHS

There's still more of us
than there are of you.

No, there isn't.

Excuse me.

Edith, what are you doing?

I think you're a bully,

and I don't think it's fair,
what you've been doing.

Look, look, look. I
want another vote.

If the majority of people
want to see inside this bag,

then you can, and
I won't stop you.

Good, because I do.

Squash this little rebellion

and then prove that I'm right.

Gerald?

I agree.

Elena?

Sorry.

And

this gentleman?

Oh, my gosh, it's
come all down to me.

It's like Kramer Vs Kramer.

Who do I choose?

Ickle, ockle, chocolate
bottle, ickle, ockle, out,

turn the dirty
dishcloth inside out.

Everything's just
a big f*cking joke

to you, isn't it, Jonathan?

Um, pretty much, yeah.

You can't see through all
those fake lashes and mascara

that here, in the real world,

there is injustice happening
everywhere you look.

And if you thought about
anybody else but yourself

for at least 30 seconds,
you'd realise that!

Oh, I know all about
the real world,

Cleopatra, darling.

I've been laughed at, beaten up,

had dog sh*t pushed
through my letterbox.

There's no need to tell
me about injustice.

And if I want to paint my face
and lip-sync to Lady Gaga,

then that's just my
way of dealing with it,

all right? Just like yours

is rebelling against your
posh-as-f*ck upbringing

by getting a little nose-ring
and tottering after me

like the ghastly little
f*g hag that you are.

I'm with you, Daddy.

When did you get so mean?

Blessed are the mean,

for they will inherit the earth.

CLANKING

Blessed are those who hunger
and thirst after righteousness,

for they will be k*lled.

Hey, you can look inside now.

Blessed are the merciful,

for they will be shown no mercy.

What is this?

Blessed are the pure in heart,

for they will see... God.

What the f*ck?

Gerry?

Put them on. You've
got about 20 seconds.

Harold and I don't need them.

What's happening, Gerry?

It's all right,
Edie. Deep breaths.

It doesn't hurt.

HISSING

COUGHING

MUFFLED CRIES FOR HELP

HISSING CONTINUES

EDITH: - Gerry!

Help us!

Help!

EDITH: - Gerry!

COUGHING AND GASPING

Gerry!

HISSING STOPS

CLEARS HIS THROAT

Sorry about the inconvenience.

The purse was just
an inciting incident.

Oh, you can take these
off now. It's fine.

INHALES SHARPLY

It's fine.

No hard feelings, eh?

W-What's going on?

Well, we implement this
action from time to time.

Swap out the disruptors,

anybody who challenges
the status quo.

But you all have
nothing to worry about.

What do you mean?

Now, if you could
just sign here.

It just confirms that you
took no part in today's events

as they never actually happened.

Oh, and tick the box if you'd
be interested in helping us

in the future. We really
need people like you,

Elena, actually.

People who don't get involved.

Thanks.

Great.

What about these people?

Well, you can see them.

They're right here.

Only now, like you.

WHISPERS: ..they wouldn't
say boo to a goose.

Isn't that right, Gerry?

Oh, that's right, sir.

Great. Great.

TANNOY CHIMES

We do apologise for the delay

in your replacement
service today.

This was due to an earlier
disruption on the line

which has now been rectified.

We do hope you have a
safe onwards journey.

Hey, guys. Um, just
three people today,

two females and a male.

Yep, great.

Edith?

Yes?

When we get home, shall
we book to see Salad Days?

Yes, I think we should.

TANNOY: - If you see something
that doesn't look right,

speak to staff or text British
Transport Police on 61016

and we'll sort it.

See it.

Say it.

Sorted.