01x11 - Parents' Weekend

[bunniefuu]

Make families smile.
There you go.

The guys who make
this magazine
are geniuses.

I mean,
it's like they made it
just for me, you know?

"Hey, you know, ron,
what do you wanna
read this week?

"Another article about
alyssa milano's jugs?

Perfect.
That's what we'll make."
You know, right there.

Does this sound
in tune to you?

So glad I didn't
tell my parents

about this whole
parents' weekend thing,

'cause now, I can just, like,
zone in on lloyd's sister.
Just focus.

I mean, we talk sometimes
when she calls.

She sounds cool, man,
and she sounds hot.

She's probably
like a female lloyd,
you know?

I mean, just picture lloyd
with, like, hair and boobs

and, like, no, uh, no wiener.

I mean, uh, that...
I can be interested
in that.

So mom gets the first
half of the weekend,
you get the second, ok?

How come
I'm the one that gets
the sloppy steven seconds?

Because I haven't seen mom
since she left for europe,
like, 2 months ago.

Well, neither have I.

Maybe your mom and I
could talk things out.

I mean, I'm a good
listener now, steve.

I watch oprah.
I read oprah magazine.

I discovered my spirit, steven.

Well, um, ok, then maybe

we can all have dinner
together at the end
of the weekend.

That would be nice.

Lighter, fake ids,
condoms, caffeine pills...

wait, where are the eyedrops?

Thanks.

I wish you didn't have
to hide all that stuff
in frog.

He looks so fat.

You don't know my mom.

When I was 16, she went
through my dream box,

and she found a joint
which I was too afraid
to even try,

and she sent me
to rehab for 6 weeks.

At least your parents
are coming.

Mine are going
to a conference
at epcot.

They're psychiatrists.
I mean, they should
know better

than to abandon me
on parents' weekend.

Yeah.

Marshall!

Hi, honey.
We're here.

It's mommy and daddy.

Oh, crap. They're early.

"No farting."

Well, that means you, pumpkin.

Hey!

One second. Ron's naked.

I gotta hide my guitar.

They don't know
I'm a music major yet.

You haven't told them?

No, no, no, no, ok?
My dad'll k*ll me.

He thinks I'm a business major.

He wants me to be practical.

He works
in an auto plant.
I'll explain later.

Just don't say anything, ok?

But, hey.
Aren't you playing
in that talent show tonight?

Exactly,
but you see, the song
will be the messenger.

I won't even have
to say it, you know?
They'll just know.

Like in billy elliott.

Oh, yeah,
like in billy elliott.

Honey? Whoo!

It worked for billy.

Hey, you made it!


Not a cop in sight.

No ticket either.

I got some artwork
up over here.

You know, it's kinda
where I put my artwork.

And, um, that's beck.

Oh, beck.
Yeah, beck.

He's, like, a really
successful musician.

Oh, yeah?

You think he does
his own makeup?

He looks like barbara mandrell.

Well, he's sparkly lookin'.

Hey, uh, ronnie,

can you help me, uh,
get these old dogs off?

Ok, uh, sure, uh...

Just...

Yeah, just give it
a good hard yank.

Come on. Come on!

Unh!
Oh, god!

Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

Gotcha!

I love it.
I miss that.

Your hair, it looks so messy.

Oh, my god.
Your room.

It's bigger than
our house.
Yeah.

Amanda.
Ron!

Hey!

Oh, my god,
it's you!
Yeah.

I just thought
you were this little
voice on the phone.

No, I'm a whole guy.

Ron and I used
to chat on the phone.

Really?

Yeah.

Did he tell you
how much he loves reading?

Shut up, poppit.

So, tell me.
How are you?
How's your girlfriend?

Yeah, ron,
how is your girlfriend?

What's her name again?

Uh, we, uh, we, uh,
we, uh, we started...

we decided to see,
uh, other people.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's, you know, it's tough.

Well, lloyd's
going off to class,

so do you want to take me
around the campus?

Yes, I... I would,
if it's ok with, uh,

with, uh,
mr. Poppit.

Good luck, ron.

So, what do you
girls do for fun?

Mostly study.

Yeah, a lot of studying
and, you know,

just goin' to the library,
reading books, and study.

What about boyfriends?

Oh, please.
I wish I had time
for a boyfriend.

You know that teacher
you were so fond of?

He's gettin' out of jail
just about now.

Mom, he was an s.A.T. Tutor,
and he is not in jail.

Come on, I'm kidding.
Please. Mom's funny.

See?
Lizzie's laughing.

Yeah, mom.
You're hilarious.

Come on. Let's go eat.
You know what?

I'm gonna freshen up
for just a minute.

Be right out.

♪ Sounds to really
make you rub and scrub ♪

♪ I say ♪

♪ pass the dutchie
on the left hand side ♪

♪ pass the dutchie
on the left hand side ♪

♪ it a gonna burn ♪

♪ give me the music
make me jump and prance ♪

♪ it a go done ♪

♪ give me the music
make me rock in dance ♪

♪ as I pass the dreadlocks'
camp I heard them say ♪

♪ how does it feel
when you got no food? ♪

♪ pass the dutchie
on the left hand side ♪

♪ I say, pass the dutchie
on the left hand side ♪

♪ it a gonna burn ♪

♪ give me the music
make me jump and prance ♪

♪ it a go done ♪

Oh, this is such
a pretty campus.

Maybe I could take
a few classes here.

I could pass
for a senior, right?

No, you're way too old.

Hey, family.

Nice sweatshirts.

Hal.

Hi, debra.

Dad, what are you doin' here?

Anybody want to check out
that omelet station

in front of the library
because...

Dad's buyin'.

We're dead.
I checked.

Oh, my god.

Your frog has been
very naughty.

I wouldn't have to spy on you

if you hadn't deceived me

again and again and again.

You know, I don't deserve this.

I mean,
it's hard to raise you
all by myself.

Your father,
he doesn't even care.

Mom, you don't understand.

I told those people
at river glen



but, you know,
like too long.

It doesn't seem too long now.

Ms. Lindquist,
it's mine.

All that stuff is mine.

Is that true?

Yeah.

Well...

I'm sorry I doubted you,
sweetheart.

It's ok.

Would you mind leaving
the room for a minute?

I... I'd like to have
a word with lizzie.

Yeah.

When I was a little girl,
I had this dream

that a bear in the forest
took my virginity.

A bear?

A bear of a man.

Ah, the man-bear, yeah.

A sweet teddy bear of a man...

And we had
this magical connection.

It was perfect.

So, who'd the bear-dude
end up bein', like,

your english professor
or somethin'?

No, silly.
I think it's you.

Oh, god.
You scared me.
Get in here.

I thought you were my dad, man.

Marshall, ok,
I was lookin'
everywhere for you.

Look, lloyd's sister
asked me
to deflower her.

Wow. That's
quite an honor.

Lloyd congratulated you yet?

I don't care about lloyd.

No, I care about me.

Me. I'm freakin' out.

Ok, it's too much
pressure, her first
time, you know?

I mean, what
if it's terrible, ok,

and then she remembers
this her whole life?

How do you know
it's gonna be terrible?

Trust me,
it'll be terrible,
ok, man?

Then she'll
tell her friends
across the pond,

and, like,
the name "ron"
will be, like,

their new little
secret inside joke

for bad sex, you know?

"How... how was
your shag?"

"Oh, I got ronned.
He ronned me.
It was terrible."

You know?

Sure.

I was happy
for 2 months straight,

but I see you,
and I'm miserable
in seconds, ha!

Yeah, well, I'd be happy, too,

if I could run around europe

in a pair
of pants, shorts,
or short pants,

or whatever the hell
those things are.

Like I don't
deserve a break?

What's the matter?
Does that bother you?

Are you feeling dead
inside or something?

Please stop making fun of me!

You always make fun of me...

I'm really sorry about this.

Oh, honey, it's ok.

Oh, you should hear jack and I.

We just
go on and on about
the silliest things.

It's really very normal.

Thank you.

I didn't
like being ignored.

I never ignored you, debra!

I was always attracted to you!

Oh, well, you could
have fooled me!

You can lie to yourself,
you can lie to your mom,

but you can't lie to me, missy,

because I see right through it.

I was in
a 12-step program
for road rage, and...

I understand.

I don't know what that means.

That means,
keep flushing this junk
down the toilet. All of it.

They're gone.

Come on. Let's go
call your parents.

I guess they stopped.
Yeah.

Stop it!

Ohh...That feels so good!

Aah! Ha ha ha!

Come on! You love it!

You like it!
You like it!

Aah!

Come here! Come here!

Aah! No! Stop it,
stop it, stop it!

Oh! Oh! Now I can't
breathe! I can't breathe!

So, uh, you're from sioux city?

Oh, uh, yeah.
We've been there

for almost 10 years now.

Is that an indian name?

Uh, yes. It's sioux.
Mm-hmm.

Ok, well, hey.
We're here.

All right, uh,
what time does the,
uh, talent show begin?

That is just beautiful.

She's very talented.

Yeah, you know,
I bet she could
do that professionally.

Well, maybe,
if she's happy
clearin'

$22,000 a year
teachin'


So, uh, how was the rest
of your afternoon?

It was great, steven.
This college is fun.

Hal, can I talk to you
for a minute outside?

Sure, sure.

She's gonna call my mother.

My parents are crazy.
They're psychiatrists,

and they'll put me
on antidepressants.

I'll lose my highs,
my lows, and I'll have
to live in the middle.

She's not gonna
call your mother.

How do you know?

Because I'm gonna
put an end to this.
I'm 18.

I'm very responsible,

and if she can't
see me as an adult,

then she's
just gonna have
to stop seeing me.

Right.

Mother...

I want you to stop
harassing lizzie.

She didn't do anything wrong.

You call condoms
and fake ids and alcohol
nothing wrong?

Yes.

Well.

I guess college
has skewed your sense
of perspective.

No, it's opened it up.
You know what?

John lennon
was a heroin addict,

and sigmund freud
was a coke-head.

These people take journeys.
They make mistakes.
That's how they learn.

And you're back on
one of your journeys?

Me?
Yes, you.

No, no, no, no.
I mean, just...

People make mistakes
like lizzie,

so we have to embrace them
and not judge them.

I mean, mom,
not everyone is like you.

You were such
a great mother. I mean,

her parents didn't even
come to parents' weekend.

Nope.

So lizzie turns
to drugs and men

to fill her empty void.

I do.

You're so lucky
to have a friend
like my rachel.

Mmm.

That was
a water sprinkler, right?

That's a regular one,

but what would
a water sprinkler
sound like

at charlton heston's house?

That's great.

He's the real deal.

Yeah.

Now, y'all
think y'all here

just at a regular talent show,

where y'all really are
is at a wild safari.

Ok, uh, I'm gonna go backstage

'cause I got
some friends back there,

and they're gonna
perform tonight,

and I just wanna
wish 'em luck, you know?

It's, uh, it's
a real big moment for them.

Hey, you'd better
start lookin' at me,
mr. Mailman,

before that wild dog
bite you on the butt.

Billy elliott.

There's a lot of...

Bye, honey.

Get him off!
Get him off!

See ya, buddy.

Here, on my leg!

This guy is somethin', huh,

with the sprinkler
noises and...

Ah! Water
comin' at me.

Oh.

Son of a...

oh.
Oh, boy.

Ooh.
Oh, god.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, it's ok, sweetheart.
I mean, it happens.

It does happen.
It does.

Hon, will you take that?
Yeah.

Just excuse us for a minute.

I'm going to go
before I hurt
someone else, so...

Meet me outside
in 3 minutes.




From now?
Yeah. Ok?

All right?
Yeah, yeah.

All right.

Where are you goin'?

To the bathroom.

Lloyd.

We need to talk.

Look, hal,

I'm sorry.

What happened in the dorm room,

well, it was surprising,

and it was fun...

But my life
is different, hal.
I like it.

Well, my life's different, too.

I don't want to change
your life, debra.

I just, uh,
thought we could have
a new life together.

We've had some pretty
happy years together.

We have a great kid.

Why not be satisfied
with that for now?

Hmm?

Is everything ok?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Marshall!

Marshall!

Get back in line!

Straight to work, kid!

♪ Factory ♪

♪ patriarchy ♪

♪ economy ♪

♪ autonomy ♪

that's me!

Look, lloyd, I have a problem.

Your sister amanda
has, uh, has asked me

to take her, uh, her virginity.

Shut up, ron.

No, no, you see,
I didn't want to betray
our friendship, you know?

So I knew that you
would want to step in

and just diffuse this
whole terrible situation.

Are you serious?

I'm afraid so, yeah, yeah.

Wow.

I don't know, man.

I guess it's ok.

What?

She's old enough
to make her own
decisions,

and if I was to step in now,

she's only gonna
go and do it
with some guy

that I don't like
nearly as much
as you.

I don't think I understand.

It's a european thing.

You have my blessing.

You guys are all crazy.

No, marshall's crazy.

♪ I am the music man ♪

♪ funk is my energy ♪

♪ music is the product of ♪

♪ my factory ♪

Marshall!

Marshall!

Thank you.

So you're getting
divorced again?

No, we're not divorced, steven.

We're... we're separated.
Just separated.

But, like, at least
we're together.

Right?

Oh.

Steve, steve.
If you see amanda,
tell her I fell. Hard...

Off somethin' high.
I fell off somethin' high,
and I'm hurt. Very hurt.

Well, let's get
this puppy back on

and head back
to the talent show.

Maybe we should leave it off.

Mmm.

My parents left already?

They left before you played.

Yes! Oh, thank you.

Oh! Oh, that's awesome.
Thank you, man. Oh!

Oh, man.
Oh, that's awesome.

I'll tell 'em
at easter.

Yeah.

You know, easter's better.

You know, granny's gettin' old.

If you're not gonna
take her to bingo,
then who is?

If there's no bingo, then what?

What... what does
she live for, really?

Ok, uh...

I guess I'll wait
for you down the hall.

Ok.

Ron...

If you didn't want
to go through with it,

you should have said something.

You didn't need to go hide.

I wanted to. I wanted
to go through with it,
like, so much.

Well, why didn't you?

Because I don't know

what the hell I'm doin'
because I've never...

Had sex with anyone.
No, no sex, no.

I've never said that
to anyone before
in my life.

I've never had sex, either.

No matter what,
it would have been

the best we'd ever had.

Yeah, that's true, also.

I didn't look
at that side
of the coin.

Yeah.

Wow.

Could you
catch a red-eye?

You know, I think
I'd be good at it.

It's non-refundable.

Hey, ron.
What's goin' on?

We're gonna go grab breakfast

to celebrate
our parents leaving.

Do you wanna come?

No, I don't wanna...
I don't wanna go.

Where's my, uh,
where's my maxim magazine?

I need it.
Now. Where is it?

Oh, it's in my room.

Good.

♪ some people
work in the line ♪

♪ and they're doin' fine ♪

♪ I don't work the line ♪

♪ and I'm doin' ♪

♪ fine! ♪

♪ ah... ♪

♪ choo ♪