01x09 - So You Have a Boyfriend

[bunniefuu]

Aw, you stupid,
stupid computer.

How do you expect
to take over mankind
if you keep crashing?

Did you back up your paper?

Nah, I got it on disk.

But lizzie
was supposed to come
and give me

questions and comments on it.

The thing is due tomorrow.

Ready for questions
and comments?

My computer crashed.

Oh, poor karpy.

Hey, I can question
and comment it
on my computer.

Dude, you're the best.

Man, thank you
so much. It's...

just try not to lose it,
'cause it's my only one.

Steven,
would a friend
lose it?

"Aw, poor karpy."

Why are you snickering?

Because you two are ridiculous.

We're friends.

Are you trying
to put up every
possible obstacle?

Maybe it's so
when you finally do
get back together,

you'll feel
a greater sense
of accomplishment.

I see. That's clever.

No.

Well, that's what
I'm gonna have to believe,

just so I don't
lose respect for you.

That sucks, man.
I can't believe she
cheated on you again.

It's baloney.
I'm sorry.

Aw, it's all right.

It's not all right,
greg. That's what you
got to realize.

Is it's not all right,
man. You got to dump her
already.

Well, the only reason
that I haven't
dumped her yet

is because
I kind of can't believe

she goes out with me
in the first place.

She's so hot.

She's so hot.
Oh-h*...

I've never
been with anyone
that hot.

That's ridiculous, man.

If lizzie ever cheated on me,

I think I would die.

Well, then,
you're already dead.

Wha... oh...

You better check yourself.

She's definitely
cheated on you.

She's so hot.
Come on.

She is really hot.
I would totally do her,

except that,
you know, I've got
a girlfriend, so...

You guys are jokesters today.

I see how it is.

All right,
you guys want proof?
You want some proof?

Hey, rachel,
it's... it's eric.

I heard what happened
between lizzie and lloyd.

What?

Yeah, I just
feel so broken up
about it.

I just feel so helpless.

Wait, lizzie
hooked up with lloyd?

Nobody tells me
anything.

Was that before
or after steven?

What?

What?

What? Steven?

What?
Steven?

No! No! What?

Who's steven?

Lock up the store.
Eugene, let's go.

♪ danger! Huh! ♪

♪ danger,
steven karp! ♪

♪ danger ♪

ohhh!
Ahhhh!

Ahh! Come on!
Come on!

Bring it on,
steven karp!
♪ danger ♪

lizzie, I really
need to talk to you.

Oh, one second.

No, no, I really,
really screwed up.

Hello?

Hey.

Hey, baby.

You got something
you need to tell me...

Elizabeth?

Yeah...

I been wanting to tell you...

How much I love you!

As much as you love
having sex with steven?

What are you talking about?

Why you trying to play me?

Wait...Where are you?

Oh, let's just say
daddy got a cell phone.

I'm in your dorm.

Where?

In the elevator,
and I want to talk
to steven.

What?

Oh, my god. He knows.

Where's steven?
He's got to get
out of here!

He's not here.
What's wrong?

Eric knows.

What? What
does eric know?

Hey, baby.

Hey, baby.

Hey, the whole g*ng's here.

So how was
having sex with steven?

I didn't do anything
with anyone.

You are just being paranoid.

Why are you trying
to play me, girl?

That's not what rachel said.

What? She doesn't
know what she's
talking about.

She's, like, drunk
half the time,
and she's always lying.

They do it?

I don't...
what? Do what?

Hey, eric.

Hey, eric.

How was sexual intercourse
with my girlfriend...Steven?

You told him?

I'm gonna beat you up so bad.

What?

And I'm gonna love it.

No!

Eric!

Bring
the ruckus, boy!

Bring the ruckus!

Hey, buddy, where'd you go?

Where'd you go, man?
I just want to talk
to you for a second.

I'm gonna go home,
man. I just want
to say good-bye.

There once
was a little boy
named steven,

and if I just
punched him once,
we'd be even.

Come on out, little boy.

Ohh...Unh...

Whoa, hey!
Whoa, steven...

What happened in there, man?

Um...The...
the vent fell.

I was in it.

My god, are you all right?

Yeah, I think I'm ok.

Wrong answer.

♪ Mortal combat ♪

♪ mortal combat ♪

I'm gonna get you, scooter boy!

Bad little boys
have to pay
the piper, steven!

♪ Let mortal combat begin ♪

I only get faster!

Oh, nice try,
you cuckolding jerk!

♪ Mortal combat ♪

I'm sorry!

Rrrr!

You're dead, steven!

And I'm your executioner!

♪ That's enough ♪
Enough, enough!

Where are you?

Uh, I'm hiding
in a storage room.

You're gonna have to fight him

or you're gonna
have to transfer.

And I don't want
some weird foreigner
moving in.

Just bring the disk.

Yeah.
And my jean shorts.

All right.

I cannot believe
that you would
do this to me!

I cannot believe
that you would
hurt me like this!

I tried...

you're the last person
I thought would
hurt me like this!

What, did he make you do it?

No, I told you,
it wasn't his fault!

It was mine, all right?!

I hope... I hope
you wore a condom.

Well, he wore a condom!

Oh, that's... you're
so smart, huh?!

You're so damn
smart, college girl!
Huh?!

Well, you're so smart,
that you're dumped!

Eric...
how 'bout that?

You're dumped!
Just listen...

no, I don't have
to listen to you
anymore!

I do not have
to listen to you
anymore!

You're not
part of my life
anymore.

Damn, liz.

Is this his disk?

Yeah.

You have his disk?
You two shared
disks?

Eric...

No, don't come near me.

You stay away from me.
I'm done with you.

I don't want to be
around you anymore.
At all.

You're not my girlfriend.
You're...My girl enemy.

And I don't
want to see you.

I don't want
to see... I don't
want to see you.

I'm out of here.

Eric, wait!

You've ruined my life.

I told you,
I'm not a good liar.

Your boyfriend
cheated on you?
That's the worst.

Hey, he's a snake in the grass.

No, lizzie cheated on him.

Then why are you mad at rachel?

Because
I accidentally
told him.

Sixth commandment:

Don't do the crime
if you can't do the time.

Why is he making us
wait in the car?

We can't back him up
in the car.

I don't know.
There's a fillet of fish
smell in this car

that's making me sick.

Do you smell that?

Hey, let's get some beer.

I'll bet you
there's some beer
up there.

Let's just
go get it
and wait up there.

All right,
if eric comes in here,
we take him down.

Whoa, whoa, ok, whoa.

I'm not taking
anyone down, ok?
You know?

I'm from canada.
We don't... we don't
take people down.

Man, you americans
are such nancys
about fighting.

Back in the east end,
you can't even finish
a yorkshire pudding

without some guy...
wham! To the back
of the head.

All right, are you two men,

or pretty little ladies?

Pretty lady right here.

I'm a pretty lady.

Yeah.
I mean, look,
I hate to say this,

but steven
deserves it,
you know?

I mean, he should
just take his medicine
like a man.

He should go out
there, he should
let this dude

beat his head in,
and then at least

he'll respect him
after that, you know?

And then he'll
have a new brother
and his manhood.

Hi, you guys mind
if we wait here
for eric?

Oh, uh...

Why would we
let you wait here
for eric?

Oh, I don't know.
Uh...We're over 21?

What? How'd he
get my disk?

I don't know.
But he's got it.

My paper's due
tomorrow morning.

If I could just
explain stuff to him,

he really wouldn't
be so mad. I know
he wouldn't.

It's true.
If he knew why you
had sex with lizzie,

he'd be fine with it.

In fact, he'd probably
let you do it again.

I can't fight him,
lloyd. Ok?

I have successfully
avoided fighting
my entire life.

Right? I'm not about
to start right now.

In every man
resides a fighter,
steven.

Where, does he hide in my a*s?

Do you love her or not?

Of course
I love her. Ok?

I'm in pain every single second

because I love her so much.

I hate being her friend.
I can live with that.

We're born
to commit m*rder,
steven.

We're all cavemen.

So why are you guys here?

Oh, we're just, uh, backup,

in case things
get out of control.

We're backup, too.

You guys want a piece of me?

Yeah, bring it
on, right here.
Look out.

Oh, yeah!

Ok, ron, come on,
let's see the
dancing machine.

I can't go.
I don't want
to go. I can't go.

No, I'm not going.
I'm not go... oh...

Oh, what?
What's happened?

Oh, my god. Oh.

Oh. Don't know
what's happening
to me, guys.

I'm a little nervous.
I'm a little scared.

What is this?
Zhht! Zhht!

Rachel...

Don't worry.
She'll forgive you.

Hey, my nana didn't
talk to her sister
for 62 years.

They're the best
of friends now.

They own a jam company.

Thanks, tina.

You're welcome.

Go, greg!
Go, greg!
Go, greg!

Yeah! Whoo!
Kitten play!

Oh, that's cool!

Play moment!

It's like, my dad
says I got the build
of a fighter.

You know?
It's just, I'm...

I'm just afraid
of getting hit
in the face a bit.

It's like my only obstacle.

Ahh!

How was that?

Oh!

Are you ok?

You know, it...
it kind of hurts,

but it's, like,
it's not as bad
as I thought.

You see? Good!
If you can handle that,
you can handle a fight.

'Cause a fight
is basically just


Sometimes even less.
Sometimes it's, like,
over in like 3 or 4.

Oh, well, so, like,

if... maybe,
maybe I could fight.

Absolutely.

Oh! Oh!

Aah!

Ohh...

Yeah!
Oh, you ready
to fight now, huh?

Come on. Come on.
How you gonna hit me?

How you gonna hit me?
You gonna hit me here? Here?

Where are you gonna
hit me, huh?

Does lizzie slap you like that?

You like that?
Show me what you got.

Damn, steven!

You can't punch a guy
in the ear!

What? Why?

I can't hear.

Oh, my god,
you busted my eardrum!

It's bleeding!
Lloyd, I'm sorry.

I can't hear, you...

ohhh!

Oh, god.

Got to watch out
for the fake, steve.

You're right.

Just remember, men fake, too.

Oh, oh! You're
a wise guy, huh?

Wise guy?
How would you
like this?

How would you
like some of this?

And this! How'd
you like that?

Oh...Ok.

Ahh!

Hey, marshall.

Hey, eric.

You want to borrow a dollar?

No, I think I'm ok.

You sure you don't
want to borrow...
A dollar?

Hello?

Yeah.

It's for you.

Hello? Seriously?

Yep, he left your disc
on lizzie's desk.

Uh-huh. All right.

Ok, we'll see you
in a sec. Bye-bye.

Oh, ok.

Eric's gone.

Really?
Yeah.

Good boy, marshall.
Good boy.

There weren't even any staples.

Steve, no.
Steve, go back.

Well, if it isn't
the whack-a*s buster.

Eric, what
are you doing
back here?

You looking for this?

Wait, this
is a fight,
isn't it?

Huh?

Yeah, it is.

Would you guys just grow up?!

He's about to.

Yeah, let's go, baby.
Hose down, fists up.

So where do you
want to do this?

Like a parking lot
or a warehouse
or something?

Right here is fine with me.

I got your back, man.

I got this one, all right?

Steve, I got
the g*ns, ready,
loaded.

Thank you.

This ain't gonna be no thang.

Ain't gonna be no thang.

Start.

Why don't you start?

You start.
You start it!

I think you
should start it!

Come on. Why don't
you start it?

Why don't you hit me,
little boy?

I think you should start.

Well, I think
you should start.
Come on, start it up.

You touched my girlfriend,
why don't you touch me?

Huh, little boy?
You want to wait till you
go through puberty first?

How about that?
Why don't you wait
till you go through puberty?

Why don't you wait
till you get some hair
on your fa...

ooh!

Nice!

I didn't want this.

Now it's over.

Oh, ain't nothing over.
Ain't nothing over!

Steven!

Oh...Ohh...

Ohh...Am I bleeding?

No.

Dude, I think you dropped that.

Just put that
on some ice,
you know?

You broke my tooth?

I broke your tooth?

You broke my tooth!

Oh, my god. Let me see!
Are you ok? Let me see it?

Let me see it!

Oh, my god!
That's horrible!

That looks disgusting.

Oh, take this.
I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

Eric, are you ok?

Steve...You just
kicked your first a*s!

I did.

I feel so guilty.

These 3 are fake.
They're just a bond.

I broke them
on the water slide.

See?
Uh-huh.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, baby.

Everything's
gonna be all right.

This isn't right anymore.

It's right.

No, it's not.

I can tell, baby.
I can feel it.

It's not right anymore.

You're my little
l-bug, right?

You can't
hold a bug in your hand
or it's gonna bite you.

And it flies away.

And that's what happened,
you know?

So we're breaking up?

Yeah. I think so.

I think so.

Oh, come here.

You have to make me
a promise, ok?

You got to promise me...

That you will
always remember
not to drink and drive.

Because it's not safe,
you know?

That makes me so nervous.

Hey.

Hey, steven.

How's your tooth?

It's nothing,
it's, uh...
It was only a cap.

Um, I actually chipped it
in third grade

when my best friend
bet me that I couldn't
bite through a rock.

Oh...

I could not.

What's with the wall?
Eric's all gone.

We broke up.

Wicked. I made the wall.

Captioned by the national
captioning institute
... Www.Ncicap.Org...

I'm gonna k*ll him!
Oh, yeah!

I'm gonna rip off his head,

and then I'm gonna
k*ll his head!

And then I'm gonna
whale all over
his body! Oh, yeah!

Tonight's the night,
steven karp!

This is so great!

Rrrrr!

Oh, yeah.

I get shotgun on the way back.

Yeah, you got
to give him
shot g*n.

For the third time,
you can't shot g*n.

I don't want him shot g*n
on the way back.

But when he
calls it,
he deserves to...

yes, but I told him...

way back!

He calls it every
time and you always
get in front.