06x09 - b*ll*ts Over Brock

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music playing]
It's a simple game, Jake.
You just kick the ball into the net.
I did.
Yeah, right into the other team's net.

Well, I got confused

because you were yelling at me!


I was yelling, "Wrong net,

wrong net, wrong net!"

Guys, guys, cool it!

You didn't even let us

have our Fruit Roll-Ups and juice!

You're the worst coach ever!

Yeah, well, you probably would've kicked

the snacks into the other team's mouth.

Van.

Look, Mom just got back

from the doctor's office,


and her blood pressure

is, like, super high.


She cannot have any stress,

so keep your voice down.

That kid is an embarrassment.

Van, do you hear what I'm saying?

Stop yelling!


Cheyenne, didn't I just tell you

I need peace and quiet?

Yeah, Cheyenne. What's wrong with you?
Sorry, Mom. I know that you need to relax.
How about you have a nice hot bath?
Okay. I'm gonna go up and take my bath.
And while I'm in there,

I'm gonna listen to the relaxation sounds

that my doctor put on my little iPod here.

I listened to one of those once.

Yeah, it was the sounds

of a very calming rainstorm.

I fell asleep, and then I peed myself.
Life is good. Life is calm.
And relax.
One, two, and be happy, three, four.
All is… [screams]

-[screaming]

-No!

[theme song playing]

[Reba]
Ha, hey!


♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪


♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪


♪ Who I am is who I wanna be ♪


♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪


♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪


♪ With gentle hands ♪


♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪


♪ I'm a survivor ♪

I'm all tense from that soccer game.

Hey, how about we go upstairs

and you give me a back rub?


Van, you know

that always leads to something.


Yeah, I know.

Why, you wanna skip the back rub?


What is an orange manatee

doing in my shower?


Oh, yeah, I knew there was something

I was supposed to tell you.

Dad's in your shower.
Well, then call SeaWorld. He's going back.

Mr. H has been staying in the garage

for the past few days.


The only way he's staying in the garage

is if a car is running.

Hey, Reba. Sorry about that.

Bet that brought back

some memories though, huh?

Almost brought back my lunch.

Oh, come on. The old fellow's aged

pretty well, don't you think?


Yeah, that's what happens

when you soak something in alcohol.

Come on, Cheyenne, let's go.
You know I'm not giving you a back rub.
Don't worry. The urge has passed.

So, is it true?

You're living in my garage?


Yeah. I've been sleeping

on the pull-out couch.


Barbra Jean and I

are taking a little break.


-She thinks I'm on a business trip.

-Why didn't you stay at a hotel?


Well, if I stay at a hotel,

that makes it real.

This way, we can have a little break

without it being such

an official separation.


Why don't you just admit

that you're cheap?

I am not cheap.
I just don't happen to believe

that a room service waiter

automatically deserves %.


Look, Reba, things are bad

with Barbra Jean and me, but I'm trying.

Really. I am. Come on.

Let me stay in the garage

just a couple a more days, please?


Brock, I am under strict orders

to keep my blood pressure at a minimum,

and you're not helping one bit.
[B.J.] Jake, nice kick.
Next time try to hit the ball.
The ball! The black and white…
Never mind!
Reba, Reba, remember, I'm out of town.

-Hey.

-Hey, Barbra Jean.


Brock's out of town,

and Henry's staying with Nanna,

so I got bored and I baked you a cake.

-"Happy Tuesday, Reba."

-Yeah.

It's Wednesday.
"Happy Reba."

-So, Brock's out of town, huh?

-Yeah.

Reba, can I confide in you?

Is it something embarrassing

and personal about Brock?


-Yes.

-Then yes.


-It's just… He's just such a big baby.

-Yeah.


You know, every time

we have a little problem

he goes on a "business trip."
I mean, the guy's a dentist.

There are plenty

of rotten teeth in Houston.


You know, I'd say

he's been hanging out at hotels,

you know, except he's so cheap.
[mouthing]
So, tell me more about his cheapness.
I mean, I could go on forever.

The guy once tried to buy

half a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

[mouthing]
Yeah, he's cheap and vain too, huh?
[B.J.] Yeah, he is. Yeah.

One time, I caught him

looking at himself in the mirror,


and he was saying,

"Enough about you, let's talk about me."

Well, hang in there, Barbra Jean.

From my experience, you just never know

when Brock might pop up.

You know what's weird, Reba,

he's not even in town

and I can still smell him.


It's like this weird mixture

of cocoa butter and feet.

[Cheyenne gasps]

-Wow, Van. That's amazing.

-Thanks.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to think of a way

to fix my team,

and being a brilliant coach, I did.

I have come up with a plan

that is gonna change their entire attitude


and turn us from losers, ooh,

into winners.


-What's the plan?

-I'm cutting Jake from the team.


What? No. Van,

you cannot cut Jake from the team.


I have to. His rotten attitude

is infecting the entire team.


He is the Terrell Owens

of pre-teen soccer.


-He's also a member of your family.

-Not by blood.


Cheyenne, when we have our son,

that kid will be athletic,

and have awesome eyebrows like his dad.
He will be well-embrowed.
Van, what do you think Mom's gonna say

when Jake tells her

that you cut him from the team?


Cheyenne, I can't coach constantly

worrying about the owner.

[Cheyenne scoffs]
Hey, buddy. I think we need to talk.
Yeah, we do.

-[Van] Good.

-Van.


Cheyenne, this is official team business,

so thank you.


-No.

-Thank you. Thank you.


Jake, look, I'm just gonna

come right out with it,

'cause we're both adults.

Well, you're not an adult,

but let's pretend you are,

and just get on with it, okay?

-Okay.

-Okay.

You're fired.

-What'd you say?

-I said you're fired.

[laughing]
Uh, Jake, you can't fire me.
It's not just me. It's the whole team.
What, are you stupid kids crazy?

-The parents won't stand for this.

-It was the parents' idea.

Oh. So it's a coup, huh?
Some psycho dad took my coaching job.

-Who is it?

-It's not a dad.

Oh, man. Is it one of Jimmy's two moms?
Huh?

-It's not a parent.

-Then who is it?

Hey, Van. Tough break.
Fine. You can take my team.
You can take my job.
But you can never ever take my dignity.
What are you doing?

Oh, I was just, uh, getting

a blanket out of the closet.


Yeah, the garage only gets so warm,

even with the dryer open and running.

You know how to make it warmer?
Turn on the car.
Or, you could go home to your house.
You know what, Reba,

this is way more complicated

than you think.

Then I'll make it simple for you.
Go home to your wife.
I can't. She thinks I'm out of town.
Why don't you tell her the truth?
You know, Reba, [chuckling]

I'm one of those people who actually

believes that the truth imprisons you.


Plus, no matter what I say to Barbra Jean,

it causes a fight.


-Then just be with her. Don't speak.

-[sighs]


Not a bad rule of thumb for you

by the way.


You know, you do smell

like cocoa butter and feet.

[banging on door]
[Brock] Reba, open up!
No. Brock, go home to your wife.
I did. I need your help!
Oh, my gosh. What is it?
[sighs]
She shot me!

Oh, my gosh. Did you call the doctor?

Did you call ?


Oh, no, no.

She shot me with a paintball g*n. [groans]

And it hurts like hell.
I'm gonna have a big boo-boo tomorrow.

Call the cops!

There was an intruder at our house!

That was me.
You? What are you doing here?
I thought you were out of town!
I switched my flight from Austin
so I could come back and check on you.
I didn't even care about the extra cost,
and believe me, it was substantial.
Austin? You said you were in Dallas.
I got a connecting flight from Austin.
A connecting flight from Dallas?

That's a -minute flight

from here to there.

Why would you connect?
Why connect?
Why connect?
Why not connect?
[scoffs] Okay, what is going on here?
What is going on here?
What is going on here?
What is going on here?

Okay. Reba, do you think

you can help me out?


-Can I help you out?

-Oh, God bless America!

Somebody start talking!
Okay, okay, okay.

Brock, I think it's time

you used the "T" word.


Yes. Yes. "T."

Everybody loves a nice hot cup of tea.

Okay, who takes honey?
Brock, tell her the truth.
Fine.
I wasn't in Austin.
I've been staying in Reba's garage.
Oh, well, isn't that cozy?

Every time something goes bad

you go running to your ex-wife.


And you, I mean, is that why

you wouldn't let me stay in your garage?

You had your little gigolo stashed there?
Oh, yeah, Barbra Jean!

Every night I dream about waking up

in the arms of my manatee again!

Well, don't I feel like an idiot.

-Barbra Jean…

-No, Brock.


And next time, I got rounds.

And I'm aiming low.

That went well.

Yeah. Looks like you're stuck with me

for another couple of days.

No. No more. No.

You have to go talk to her

from your heart.

Tell her what you're feeling.
I'm a guy. I don't know what I'm feeling.
Then talk to her. Tell her that,

and then you can start mending

all the things that are wrong.


Brock, if we had done that

maybe we would have had a chance.

I don't know, Reba.

I think maybe I should

stay here one more night.

[chuckling]

Brock, honey, the g*n I own

doesn't sh**t paint.

Come on. Make my day.
Kyra as the coach? Kyra?
I mean, what's her philosophy of sports?

"Hey, kids, soccer's important,

but life itself is meaningless."

That was the greatest game ever!
Oh, my gosh. You guys won?
Nope. We got m*rder*d, to nothing.
I think it was , Coach.

to nothing in soccer.

How many did you score for them?


Two. That's how I got snacks

from both teams.

Kyra, you can't let them lose like that.

Those psycho parents

will tear you to pieces.

Thanks for the advice.
Oh, tell Mom I won't be home for dinner,

'cause some of those psycho parents

want to take me out for sushi.

[laughs]

You see that? She's turned them

from losers into happy losers.

Van, they're kids.

And, maybe, your coaching style

is a little too intense.

Oh, that's ridiculous. You know what,

when we have our son,

that's when I need to coach.


Maybe your coaching style

is a little too intense for our son, too.

Why do you keep saying I'm too intense?

I wanna show you something, okay.

I taped the game from last week.


Here we go. Here we go.

Get it going. Get it going.


No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.


Come on, baby. Kick it. Kick it. Kick it.


What are you doing?


What do you think this is, huh,

a wine convention?


What are you doing, pal?

[screams]
[grunting, screaming]
[crying]
Wow.
Yeah. Yeah. That's a little bit much.
That's weird. That's my father.
Nope. Nope. I had the camera. It was you.
No, I know it's me.

But that, the way I was acting,

that's my father.


That's the way my dad

coached me my whole life.

Van, that's so sad.

That's not sad.

That's why I'm so good at sports.


Yeah. And it also

is probably why, you know…


-Probably why what?

-Why you hate your dad.

I don't hate my dad.

I don't talk to him or call him

or think about him.


Oh, my gosh, I hate my dad,

and now I'm turning into him.


Cheyenne, I don't want

my well-embrowed son to hate me.


Oh, Van, calm down.

He's not gonna hate you.

He's going to love you.

Okay, because, no matter whether

he's good or bad at anything

we are always gonna be good at loving him.

-Okay? Okay.

-Okay.


And you're not gonna coach

any of his games.


I can't believe I didn't realize

that I was turning into my dad.


When did you realize

that you were turning into your mom?


Well, no, never,

because I'm not turning into my mom.

No, I know. You already did.
Oh, wh--

Okay, you know what, I am not

turning into my mom, you moron.

Do you realize what you just said?
Crap.
Oh, I did. A small one.
Oh, hey, Reba Dabba Doo.
Well, look at you two.
No b*llet holes, no fresh paint.

Well, you know, it wasn't really

comfortable being honest with each other,

but it really did work.
We just needed to talk things out.

-Yeah, and we did.

-Yeah.


We stayed up all night. And we

put all of our problems on the table.

We were completely truthful.

And you were right, Reba.

It did set us free.


Well, I hate to say it,

but when I'm right, I'm right. [chuckles]


And even when I'm kind of wrong,

I'm still kind of right.


-Well, this time, you were right, right.

-Good.

We're getting a divorce.
Thanks for making us talk.

That's not what I meant

when I said to talk. I meant work it out!


Yeah, well, look,

we're not thrilled about this either,


but it seemed like it was the only thing

we could do to stop the pain.

You know, it didn't use to be like this.
We used to have fun.
We were just reminiscing about all that,
and you know, all the good times we had.
You know, I just…
I really think it's for the best.
You know, I couldn't be happier.
I can't wait for court.
Brock, you can't let this happen.
You know what,
I'm gonna go check into a hotel.
I really do think this is for the best.

You're not such

a great liar anymore, Brock.

Yeah, I know. I miss those days.
Now, I'm never gonna be able to relax.
[sighs] Oh, well.

Here we go. Here we go.

Get it going. Get it going.


No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.


Come on, baby. What are you doing?


What do you think this is, huh,

a wine convention?


What are you doing, pal?

[continues indistinctly]
[mumbling]
[screams]
[laughing]
[grunting, screaming]
[crying]
[Reba laughing]
Now I'm really relaxed.
[closing theme music playing]