06x07 - Locked and Loaded

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music playing]

-Hey, Reba.

-Hey, Brock. How are you?


That's right, we're divorced.

I don't care.

Let me ask you something.

What was the most romantic thing

I did in our marriage?

Leave.

-That's funny, because it's true.

-Yeah, come on.


Look, I need to up the romance

with Barbra Jean, and I'm coming up blank.


Do what you did with me. Leave.

She'll love you for it later.


I'm serious, Reba. Things have been

a little rough between us.


What with her losing all the weight

and getting hired as a weather girl,

and me being, well, me.

Well, goodness gracious, Brock.

Why didn't you come to me sooner?


That's right, we're divorced.

I don't care.

Ah!

-Hey, Daddy.

-Hey, honey.


-Mom, can I talk to you for a second?

-I'm kind of eating right now.


I'm kind of pregnant.

And this is an emotional emergency.


-Okay, what is it?

-Mom, I overheard everything.


Poor Dad. You have got to help him

turn up the heat with Barbra Jean.


-[chuckling] No, I don't.

-Yes, you do.


That man in there,

he is a part of our family, okay?

And he needs our help.

And I don't think it is too much

for us to all just get along

and love one another and not break up

so this world can be a happy place

for me to raise my children in.


Can you do that for me?

Can you do that for my baby?

Wow, you really are pregnant, aren't you?
Oh, okay, I'll do it. I'll help.
Brock, wait. I'll… [mumbling]

-[sighing]

-You'll what?

Help!

-Seriously?

-Yeah.


Give me some time,

I'll come up with something


that'll knock the socks off

that giant wife of yours.

Oh, wow. Thanks, Cheyenne.
[theme song playing]

[Reba]
Ha, hey!


♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪


♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪


♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪


♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪


♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪


♪ With gentle hands ♪


♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪


♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Hey, Van. I'm clearing out the garage.

Where do you want this box

that says "Kyra do not touch"?


You're not supposed to be in the garage.

That's my office.


Didn't you see the computer

and desk I put out there?


Jake put a poster of Bambi in his closet,

it doesn't make it Disneyland.


Mrs. H, Kyra seems to think that she can

just waltz into our garage/office,

and move around our stuff/junk.
Punish her.
Van, I told her she could.

Her band's sh**ting a video

and Kelly Clarkson has the kitchen booked.


-But that's my office.

-Share the space.

But I need privacy.

I go into my office

to get into "The Zone."

Once I'm in The Zone, the magic happens.

No office, no zone. No zone, no magic.

No magic, no money.

No shoes. No shirt. No service.
That's a law, Kyra. That's not funny.

Van, Kyra is living here now.

Just work something else out.


Fine. Maybe I'll go to Kyra's room

and move her stuff around.

I put a "Do not disturb" sign on the door.
Dang it!

Kyra, can't you just sh**t your video

over in your dad's garage?


You can't run the lights

and the tanning booth at the same time.


Hey, Reba. So, did you think of something

to help me to romance Barbra Jean?

Yes, I did.

I thought about getting

into Barbra Jean's head,

but you know me, I hate cobwebs.
So this is what I came up with.

First, get a babysitter for Henry,

so you guys can have more time alone.

Then, hide some flowers around the house

so that every time she turns a corner,

she gets a beautiful surprise.

Next, draw her a bubble bath.

Light some candles.

Throw some chocolates on the pillows.

You see where I'm going here?
That's it?

Candy and flowers? I could've

gotten that from watching
The View.


-What do you want from me?

-I don't know.


Something original,

something that will "wow" her.


Well, that shouldn't be too difficult.

Just give her something shiny.


-Dangle her keys in front of her.

-Ah!


Come on, Reba.

I'm under a lot of pressure here.


-Especially since…

-Especially since what?


Well, in two days I'm going to Vegas

for a dental convention.

Are you kidding me?

You're asking me

to help butter up your wife


so you can run off for a week

of poker and strip clubs?


It's a business trip.

I play poker to network.


And most strippers

don't have dental insurance.


You're on your own.

I can't drag you two steps forward


when you're slamming the brakes

in reverse.


No, no, no. Come on, Reba.

I'm serious about this.


Look, Barbra Jean and I

have never been this distant before.


-Then cancel your trip.

-I can't. I've got tickets for Siegfried.


Fine. This is my last shot.

Take it or leave it.

Pick a happy moment from your marriage.

It could be an anniversary

or a special night out, and re-create it.

That is not half bad.

Yeah. And if that doesn't work,

just make sure you have your keys.

Hey, Van.
Yeah, what's up?

Could I get your autograph

for some kids at school?


Oh, sure, buddy.

They remember the old Vanster, huh?

Fast as lightning. Agile as a kitty cat.

This isn't really about football.

It's about your thing on YouTube.

My thing on who, what?

Kyra posted a video of you

"getting in the zone."

Everyone at school's talking about it.

Get in the zone.


Hi. My name is Van Montgomery.


Big money. Big money.

Gotta get in the zone.


I'm gonna sell you a house.


You just got served!


Get in the zone. Here we go.

No. That's not it.


Come on, Van.

Wanna buy a house? Wanna buy a house?


Yes, these are my natural eyebrows.


Get it. Come get it.

Come get it. Come get it.


Gonna make some money off

that onion right there, buddy.


The house is new, baby.


Here we go.


You wanna smack it. Go ahead.

You wanna smack it. Go ahead.


Who's that?


Kyra? Kyra? Kyra? Get out of here!

I feel so violated.

-Hello?

-Hey.


Whoa. Hey, you know,

this reminds me of a joke.


You know how many redheads

it takes to change a light bulb?

You know you're getting a bald spot.

-How was your mission in Vegas?

-Oh, it was great.


In fact, I stopped by to thank you

for pointing me in the right direction.


I came up with something terrific

for Barbra Jean.

Ah! I can't wait to hear all about it.

Well, you have to promise

you won't tell anyone.

I want this to be a big surprise.
Scouts honor.

What did your big orange head

come up with now?

I got my vasectomy reversed.

-You what?

-Yeah.

It's my present for Barbra Jean.

I'm gonna get her pregnant.

This time, on purpose.


Wow, this Siegfried

is a magician, isn't he?

You got your vasectomy reversed?

Yes. On the way to the airport,

I was racking my brain.


What would be the perfect moment

from our marriage to re-create?

And then it hit me.

Barbra Jean was happiest

when she was pregnant with Henry.


So I called the specialist

in Vegas, snip, clip.


They put me back together.

I am locked and loaded!


Brock, I meant a dinner and movie,

not popping out another kid.


-No. No. No. It's perfect.

-No.


Imagine how surprised she'll be

when she finds out she's pregnant.


Surprised? You mean

you're not gonna tell her?

No. It's much more romantic this way.

I mean, if I say,

"Hey, I got my vasectomy reversed,"

well, that's all about me.

But, "Surprise, you're pregnant."

That's all about her.


Brock, you just don't spring a baby

on someone.


It's not like a scarf or a diamond ring.

You can't take them back.


No. No. No. You have to discuss this

with Barbra Jean first.


-No. No. No. I don't. No.

-Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.


You remember how angry she was

when she found out that I got a vasectomy?

Well, that's because she wanted more kids.
And now, she's gonna get her wish.

Is there anything

you can't get done in Vegas?

Hey there, Riverdance.

You know, Kyra,

that is not funny. Not funny.


I am a businessman,

and in order to remain successful,


I have to project an image

of professionalism.

And this,

no matter how sexy,

it doesn't look professional.


Dude, lighten up. Since when did

you lose your sense of humor?


I didn't lose my sense of humor,

Kyra. I grew up.

And someday, you'll realize

that if you don't take yourself seriously,

nobody else will.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

your video is beating

the one of the cat flushing the toilet.

Oh, h*-ha-h*-ha.

Do I look like a doofus to you?

Don't answer that.


I'm not a doofus.

I'm not a doofus. I'm not a doofus.

I am a professional.

So next time, keep me

out of your stupid, childish videos.


-You got it?

-Okay. Okay, I got it.

Okay.
At least I hope I got it.
[sniffling]
Cheyenne, I need to talk to you.

-Honey, are you okay?

-Oh, yeah.


It's just this stupid commercial,

about this old man


who can't go

to his grandson's baseball game

because he's got a bladder condition.

You know what, I think I'm gonna talk

to someone a little less pregnant, okay.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Come on, Mom.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Tell me what's on your mind.

Okay, well, honey, I need some advice.

I know someone

who is about to make a big mistake.

I mean, a huge mistake,

that will have a big impact on himself

and everybody around him.

And I don't know what to do.

-Can you give me any names?

-No.


-Is one of the names Van?

-No.


Okay. Well,

whenever I'm in a situation like that,

I usually ask myself, what would Mom do?

So, my advice to you is, ask yourself,

what would Reba do?


-Okay, I'm not talking to you anymore.

-Oh, wait, no.

Look, the Reba that I know,

usually knows deep in her heart

what the right thing to do is.


And she does it, no matter

how painful or inconvenient it might be.

Crap.

Please, no one be naked.

Please, no one be naked.

Hey, is Brock around?
Oh, he's around.

And he's about to make me

feel like a natural woman.


-[exclaiming]

-Good.


Uh-uh. Is there something

I can help you with?

I just came by to chat.

Yeah, well, you know, Reba,

I know that you wanna be over here -,


but I'm married now, and my husband

and I need a little alone time.


-Am I interrupting something?

-I hope so.


-Barbra Jean, this is important.

-Well, I'm sure that it can wait.


-I'm serious.

-So am I, Red. So am I.


-[Brock] Barbra Jean, honey, who is it?

-Nobody, honey.


It's just one of those sweet Mormons

on a bicycle.


-Are you gonna let me in or not?

-No.


Okay, I'll just go around

to the back door then.

Wow.
[growling]
Very low, Reba. Very low.

For the first time in a long time,

Brock shows a little hint of romance,

and you decide to drop by. Fantastic.
Brock, honey, I'm gonna go upstairs,

and I'm gonna put on something

a little more revealing.


Oh, and, uh, Reba,

when I come back downstairs,

I'm gonna be half naked,

and you don't wanna see all this.

[exclaiming]

Brock, get out here!
Reba, what are you doing here?

Look, we gotta talk.

You cannot do this to Barbra Jean.


Well, I took a little blue pill,

and I'm pretty sure I can.


You cannot get her pregnant

without talking to her first.


It's deceitful. It's dishonest.

It's just plain wrong!


-It's also none of your business.

-Oh, yes, it is my business.


It became my business

when you told me about it.


Reba, you have no idea

how bad things are between us.


If I don't do something

to save our marriage,

we may not make it.
Things are really that bad?
Yeah. Things are really that bad.

Go to couples therapy.

Get help, but not this. This is insanity.

Look, we tried all that. It didn't work.

Now, I know what I'm doing.

This is the right choice for us.

It's not your choice to make.

Look, Barbra Jean may be your wife,

but she's also my… Person I know.

If you don't tell her, I will.

-Tell me what?

-Oh. Nothing, nothing, honey.


You know what, Reba,

we'll talk about this later.

Last chance. You tell her or I will.
Tell me what?
Okay, fine. There goes the surprise.
Barbra Jean, honey,

I wanted to do something really,

really special for you.

So, I got my vasectomy reversed.

-What?

-Yeah.

The salmon are swimming upstream.

-You got your vasectomy reversed?

-Surprise!


And when were you gonna

tell me this little surprise?

When I ended up pregnant?
[exclaims]

-Wow.

-Okay, all right.


If it helps, his heart

was in the right place.


Okay, you know what,

don't defend him on this.


Wait a minute. Honey, honey,

why are you so mad?


I thought that this would

bring us closer together.


How does lying and deceiving

bring us closer together?


God, Brock, just when I think

you're growing up,


just when I think

there is a glimmer of hope for us,

you pull something like this.
This was the last straw.

You and your salmon

can sleep on the couch.

Thank you, Reba.
[sighs]

Sorry, Brock.

Is there anything else I can do?


No, I think you've done enough

for one evening.

If it helps, you've ruined salmon for me.

Do I look like a doofus to you, Kyra?

I am not a doofus.


I am not a doo, doo, doofus.


I dance around like a doofus.


Do I look like a doofus to you,

Kyra? Kyra? Kyra?

[laughing]

Oh, the girl's got talent.

You gotta hand that to her.


-Gotta go. I just got this computer back.

-All right.


-Hey, Van, how was your day?

-Fantastic.

Van, you have a note taped to your back.

-I know. I put it there.

-Why?


You're not gonna believe this.

I'm the fun guy.

Thanks to Kyra's videos,

everybody thinks I'm a big goofball,

and it's working for me.


Just today, some guy

at the bus stop shouted, "Hey, doofus."

That's great.

Because all the kids love me,

they asked their parents to hire me.


Tomorrow I have three meetings,

an open house,

and somebody wants me to MC a bar mitzvah.
What's a bar mitzvah?
It's like a sweet party,

except it's for a Jewish boy

who just turned .

Mrs. H, you can say you just don't know.

Anyway, don't tell Kyra about this,

or she'll stop taping me, okay.


-Hey, Mom.

-Hey, honey.

Hey, YouBoob.
Mm-hmm. Hello, Kyra.
Now if you'll excuse me.

I'm gonna go to my office

for some business related rituals.

And I'd appreciate absolute privacy.
[snickering]

-What's with him?

-Oh, you made him famous.

He's "The Doofus."
I don't think that one was on purpose.
[closing theme music playing]