06x04 - Roll With It

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music playing]

Hmm. Hey, Mrs. H,

that bungalow on Vesper Avenue

is having an open house on Saturday.

-We should take some clients over there.

-Uh-huh.

We can go together on horseback.
Sounds like fun.

I'll wear a thong

and sing "I Feel Like A Woman!"

at the top of my lungs.

-Terrific.

-Mrs. H, snap out of it!


We need to go

to an open house on Saturday.


Oh, can't. I'm gonna go see

a movie with Kyra.


But, Mrs. H, we should

sell this house to the Douglas family.

They're dumb.

I'm sorry, Van, but I don't wanna work

on a beautiful Saturday.


-Things are just too good.

-[sighs]

Kyra's moved back in. Cheyenne's pregnant.

Barbra Jean hadn't been over here

in three days.


Mrs. H, I know things are good,

but you know what would make them better?

If we could make some money!
I understand, Van.
It's just that around here,

smooth sailing is as rare

as eyeglasses on a cartoon rabbit.

[laughing]

You know, you usually

see them on the turtle.

Anyhow, I just want to enjoy it.
[sighing]

[sputters] Why are you wearing

a basketball uniform?

Jake, you in a play or something?

No. I got practice today.

I made the basketball team.

Oh!
You made the team?

They held a tryout,

and you made the basketball team?


-Yes, stupid.

-Jake.

Sorry.
Heh, heh! [blows raspberry]
Van!
I'm very proud of you, honey.

I've got some time this week.

I'll come watch you play.


Why would you want to go

sell a house and make some dough,


when you can watch some

twerp sit on a bench.


-What are you mumbling about over there?

-Nothing.

So what time's the game?

No, don't come, Mom.

It'll just make me nervous and everything.


-Are you sure?

-Positive.


Okay. Well, have a good time.

Break a leg. [chuckles]

I was kidding about that one.
[Van] Yeah, that's great.

My selling partner

is not interested in selling.

Jake's on the basketball team.

I live in Whackoville,

that's where I live.


-Hey, Mom.

-Hey.


Hey, Van. Congratulations

on breeding some more.

Not even sincere.

You know, no one asked me

if she could move back in.

[Van mumbling]
What's with him?

He wants to go horseback riding

in a thong.

It's a long story.

-Kyra, that's a beer.

-I know.


-You want one?

-No, I don't want one.


Well, good thing

I don't mind drinking alone. Bottoms up.

[exhales] That's a good brewski.

-What are you doing?

-Having a beer.

Or as us kids say, "It's all good."
Don't get smart with me, young lady.

-What are you going on about?

-Since when do you drink beer?


Come on, Mom. I'm not a kid anymore.

I'm years old.


Which means it's not child abuse

if I slap you upside the head.


I don't get it.

Dad and Barbra Jean let me.


I knew it.

I knew those two were behind this!


They're dumber

than a five-pound sack of stupid.


They said as long as I only drank at home

and they were there, it was okay.


[scoffing] Honey,

we have rules around here,


and one of them is we don't listen

to your dad or Barbra Jean.


I'm sorry. I'm gonna have

to put my foot down on this.


-Here we go again.

-And what's that supposed to mean?

Nothing, just more rules, that's all.
Nice to be back in jail, Warden.

Don't tell me about rules.

I'm pretty flexible, if you ask me.


You were late today,

I didn't say anything about that.


-You just did.

-Yeah, well!

Don't tell me what I just did.
I'll tell you what I just did.

Sitting around here

like it's a pub or something.

I'll tell you what.
That's a good brewski.
[theme song playing]

[Reba]
Ha, hey!


♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪


♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪


♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪


♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪


♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪


♪ With gentle hands ♪


♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪


♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Are you two insane?
No. We're bored.
Did you tell Kyra she could drink beer?

-Yes.

-And I know what you're gonna say.

"Wine is more lady-like."

But I tell you what,

that kid loves the suds.


I was wrong. You two are dumber

than a ten-pound sack of stupid.


Look, Reba, we made a deal with Kyra

that occasionally

she could have a beer now that she's .
It's a good way to have some control

and keep your teen

from feeling deprived of something.


I read that in an article

in a parenting magazine.


Or a bartending magazine,

I can't remember.

Maybe that's 'cause you were drunk.
[laughing]

And that's what passes

for wit in this house.


-Bravo.

-Okay, stop it.


Just stop it.

You're still in trouble with me.


Look, Reba,

Kyra's never even gotten close to drunk.


She's always stayed in the house.

We could keep an eye on her.


Yeah. It's better than having her running

all over town doing God knows what.


Teenagers can get

into some pretty racy stuff, believe me.

Oh, I believe you.

You know this one time,

I was down at Possum Swallow Creek,


-and this boy dared me to--

-Yeah, she said she believes you.

Okay. Okay.

Look, Reba, we had a pretty good thing

going with Kyra here, okay?


Honestly,

I don't even think she likes beer.


She just liked knowing

that she could have one.

Nobody was telling her no.
Reba, we thought this over very carefully.
We believe that if you trust the child,

they'll make the right choices

on their own.

I mean, Brock and I may be dealing

with a strained

and painfully awkward marriage,


-but we are good parents.

-Yeah.


That's the dumbest thing

I ever heard in my life.


-But, Reba…

-No, no.


We're her parents,

not her drinking buddies.


Things are gonna be

different over at my house.


Oh, and before I leave, what brand

of cigarettes do you buy for Jake?


-What was that for?

-You let Jake smoke?


Yes, I'll perform that brain surgery

as soon as I finish erasing the deficit


and flying my rocket ship

back to the moon.


See, sweety, girls are smart.

They can do anything they want.

[exclaiming]

Oh, my God, this top is darling,

and I wish they made it for really.


-Hey, girls.

-Hey, Daddy.

Hey, honey, Mommy and Daddy have to talk.
Can you go get me a juice?

-Oh, thank you, honey.

-[chuckling] Oh.


He's gonna have to get his own juice

when you become president.


Hey, I thought you didn't want her

playing with your Barbies?

Where have you been?

I just came

from Jake's basketball practice.


I thought he didn't want anybody

to see him play?


He didn't, that's why I went.

I smelled a rat.


-Did he freak when he saw you?

-No, no.


He didn't see me. I used my ninja skills

to hide behind the bleachers.


You're not gonna make me call you

Sensei again, are you?

No. Well, I mean, I don't know yet.

-Well, how did he do?

-Awesome.


-Never missed. Nothing but net.

-Oh! That's cool.

[scoffs] Not cool. Read this.
"Hart leads Hustlers to finals."

-Our boy Jakey.

-[laughs sarcastically] Keep reading.


"The team rallied with one minute left

and an offensive outburst


from center Jake Hart

to win the game by four points."

Honey, this is great!
[laughing sarcastically]

"The Hustlers

will play the Dragons this Saturday


for the All-City

Wheelchair Championships."

Wheelchair?
Wheelchair!

-Jake is on a wheelchair basketball team.

-Oh.


-He's a fake crippled kid.

-[sighs]

This, this is bad, dumb.
[Reba exclaims]

-You okay, Ma?

-No, I'm surrounded by idiots!

Oh, you don't even know the half of it.
What did Dad and Barbra Jean do now?

Your dad and Barbra Jean

have been letting Kyra drink beer!


-And?

-Does that deserve an "and"?


She's a child!

You don't let children drink.

We're not in France.
First off, Kyra's not a child. She's .

Okay, so she can vote

and fight in a w*r, but sober!

Is she drinking too much?

-No.

-Is she being responsible?


-Yeah, I guess.

-Well then, leave her alone.

Yep, Mrs. H, leave her alone.
Trust me, you have bigger fish to fry.

-What?

-Okay, you know what,

Kyra is a good kid.
You should give her credit for that.

The way you freaked about drinking

when I was her age

almost made me want to do it more.

Oh, I'll say. Boy, you couldn't wait

to get out of here on weekends.


You were dangerous.

Out of control. Promiscuous.

You were like a frat boy.

I don't, I don't know

why I just said that.


Mom, your big rules

might be part of the reason

that I developed a drinking problem.

[scoffs] I knew if I waited long enough

this would become my fault.

Did that sound g*y?
I'm not g*y.
I just, you know, I meant sorority chick.
Shut up, Van.
Look, Mom, you can't control everything.

The more rules you give her,

the more she has to rebel against.


If you treat her like an adult,

maybe she'll act like one.


-[sighs] I don't know.

-[door opens]

Oh, man, I had the worst day ever.

I was the only one prepared

for my band practice.

Nobody understood my art project,

and apparently, they no longer

make the black lipstick I like.

[exhaling]
Sounds rough.
You want me to fix you a c*ck?
[exhales]
Suddenly I appear.

-I saw you.

-You wish.

I am the night.
It's still light out.
Yeah, well, stick around.

Oh! I see what's going on.

May I pass, Sensei?


No, no, grasshopper.

No, I just wanna talk to you.


-So, tell me, how was practice?

-Okay.


-Yeah? Hey, let's take a seat.

-No.


Oh! Been, uh, sitting

too much lately, huh?


-What?

-Well…


That's some pretty nice basketball kicks

you got there.


-Thanks.

-They new? They look brand new.


Like they've never even

touched the old hardwood.

They're just shoes.

-You're weird.

-And you're a fraud.


-What?

-You're a handicap fraud.

Or is it handicap-able?

Doesn't matter.

Dude, I saw you at practice.

It's not my fault. It happened by mistake.

Mistake? Jake, how do you get on

a wheelchair basketball team by mistake?

I don't know.

I was just goofing off down

at the rec center


-and I took this wheelchair…

-[exclaiming]

You stole a wheelchair?

You knocked down some little

Tiny Tim out of his chair and stole it?

Oh, my gosh, I'm gonna be sick.
[retching]
No, it was just there in the storage room.
Oh!

I was just rolling around

and sh**ting and it was amazing.

I couldn't miss.
You know me, I'm clumsy.

-Jake, you're not that bad.

-Really?

You're awful. Go on.

This guy in a wheelchair saw me

and asked if I wanted to be on the team.


And before I could say no,

these other guys rolled in.

And I was on the team, and I was great.
Great?
Yeah. Everyone loved me.

I had six girls offer

to push me home today.


All right, but look,

Jake, you got to know,

that this is a form of cheating,

and that you shouldn't do it,

and blah, blah, blah, all right?


I know you're right.

But I can't just quit.

I'm an inspiration.
Okay, so you don't quit.

-What?

-Here's the plan.


I'm gonna call your coach,

and I'm gonna tell him


that I'm your dad

and you can't play because…

Oh… Because you're sick.

Genius. Kid in a wheelchair,

sick, how hard is that to believe.

What kind of sick?
I don't know, uh…
Spinacolada.
I like that. Spinacolada.

So look, now that you have

your confidence back,


we're gonna get you

on a regular basketball team.

Come on, go ahead. Take a shot.
What do you expect, you have Spinacolada.

Kyra, come on, honey,

your breakfast is on the table.

Oh! Hey, thanks.

I appreciate it,

but I don't have the time.


-Kyra!

-Yeah?

Where did that boy come from?

He wasn't here

when I went to bed last night.


Oh, give him a break, Mom.

He just got out of prison.


-Kyra?

-I'm kidding.

He's the bass player from my band,

and he came over last night

to finish a song.

No, no, no, not in my house.

See, that's what happens

when you let one little bitty rule slide.

Nothing happened. We fell asleep.

-You fell asleep?

-Yes. What's the problem?

I was in the bed, and he was on my floor.
No, my floor. My floor. My house.

And that boy is not welcome to sleep

on my floor in my house.


-Yep, the warden's back.

-Yeah, she's back and badder than ever.


As long as you live in my house,

you will live by my rules.


And there will be no boys

coming in at night

and leaving in the morning. None!

Fine. Maybe then I'll

just move back in with Dad.

[exclaims]

Oh! That reminds me,

no more threatening of moving out.


You live here now, and you'll live here

until you go to college.


I'm the boss. I make the rules

and you live by them.


-You understand me?

-Yeah.


Yeah. And there will be

no more drinking in this house.

There will be no drinking

over at your father's house

of giggles either.

Yes, ma'am.

New rule, you have to whistle all the way

through the door when you leave.


-What?

-Yeah, that's a new rule,

Kyra. You do it.

-[whistling]

-That's better.

That one probably won't stick.

Okay, so anytime Kyra's

over at your house,


I'd appreciate it

if you wouldn't let her drink.


And by appreciate it,

I mean don't let her drink.

But I can still drink, right?
Because he is boring.

-I think you're the one that's boring.

-No, you are.


-No, you are.

-No, you are.


-Hi, there.

-[B.J.] Hey, Kyra.


I have a bit of homework,

then a band meeting at :,


so I should be home

around :, if that's all right.


-Okay. Just check in with me, okay?

-I will.


Wow! Things seem to be

really working out over here, Reba.

Yep.

I tried to tell Barbra Jean

we needed more boundaries.


-You did not.

-Yes, I did.


-You did not.

-I did.


-No, you didn't.

-I told you. I told you.

Speaking of boundaries,

I think we need to talk about you guys

bickering in front of people all the time.

We do not bicker.
[knocking at door]

-Hello.

-Hi, I'm here to check on Wheels.

I think you have the wrong house.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Coach Donahue.

I was looking for Jake Hart.

We call him Wheels.
I'm Jake's father. Can I help you?
Oh, sorry to hear about the Spinacolada.

-[Brock] Hey!

-Oh!

Oh! He's healed!
It's a miracle.
Wheels can walk!
[closing theme music playing]