03x17 - Sister Act

[bunniefuu]

[Exhales]

[Exhales]

Van, what are you doin'? Tryin'
to make my hair grow faster.

Mom, is it hard to make a volcano? I
need to make one for my science fair.

Why don't you start with somethin'
a little easier, like making your bed.

Hey, mrs. H, can I help
jake build his volcano?

Really? Yeah.

I've always wanted to do that.
My father hated doin' stuff with me.

He would always have my
projects professionally made.

One year, for science fair, my
project was a dialysis machine.

Thanks, van.

Can we make the
volcano spit real fire?

[Laughing] real fire! Well,
let's not get carried away.

Huge fire.

Hey, reba.

Just so you know, the
situation is under control.

What situation? Is kyra
allergic to any medicines?

Is kyra sick? Sorry. Yeah. Yeah.

I need to borrow a heating
pad and a blowtorch.

Yeah. A blowtorch?

Well, I'm making crème
brûlée, but that's not the point.

Oh, honey, what's wrong?
I'll tell you what's wrong.

She's sick. On tuesday.

The day I read to the blind.

Who's going to tell
them I'm not there?

Let's take a look.
Put your tongue out.

Put your tongue in.
Put your tongue out.

♪ Now shake it all about ♪

Reba, you do not
hokey pokey with the ill.

She's fakin'.

Trust me. I can spot a sick kid
from 50 yards in a dense fog.

And she's not sick. All right,
kyra, what's goin' on with you?

Nothing. [Chuckles]

Okay, you can tell me why you're fakin'
it, or you can go to school right now.

But if I told you why I was faking,
then you'd know I was faking,

And then you'd make
me go to school anyway.

So, there's really
no upside. Mm-hmm.

Well, I suggest you
go upstairs and change,

Or you're gonna go to
school in your jammies. Fine.

I hope I get sick for real.

Oh, that'll teach us.

Man, I am so easily fooled.

I wonder if all those people
I read to are really blind.

I think some of
'em are just lazy.

- Did that seem odd to you?
- Yes. Why?

Because kyra's
never faked being sick.

She's faked being well 'cause
she wants to go to school.

I'm gonna call down to the
school, see if something's going on.

Or, we could disguise
ourselves as teenage girls...

And infiltrate her
circle of friends.

[Mutters]

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Well, hey there, pretty girl.

Oh, no! You said you'd help
me reorganize the attic.

You are not hittin'
the course right now.

You know, sweetheart, since
golf is gonna be my new job,

We really should consider
the course as my office.

So, I'm going to the office.

Sit down, brock.
We need to talk.

Well, isn't this great? Maybe
I should get a third wife.

- Then I'd never
have to play golf.
- What's up?

Well, after kyra's little "illness" this
morning, I made a call down to the school.

Apparently, she's been
absent four times this month.

Hey.

Whoops! My mistake. I walked
into the room marked "l*nch m*b."

Park it!

Kyra, is it true you missed
four days of school?

Barbra jean, you
signed the notes.

You tricked me! You
didn't want my autograph!

And on the days when she did
attend school, she was cuttin' classes.

Cutting? You don't cut classes.

Exactly!

And i, for one, would like to
know what's going on, little missy.

- Nothing's going on.
- Kyra,

We're gonna get to
the bottom of this,

Even if it means we
have to stay here till...



Fine. A couple of kids at school
have been giving me a hard time,

And, some days, I just don't
feel like dealing with it.

- [Gasps]
- it's always the bullies,

Or the jocks, or the preps.

The nerds aren't all
that friendly either.

How long has this been goin' on?

My whole life.

- Kyra?
- I don't know. A while.

Well, sweetheart, why
didn't you say anything? Yeah.

Why? So you could call a
parent-teacher conference...

And embarrass me
in front of everyone?

No. No.

So we could discuss the situation
and find a rational solution.

I think we should call a
parent-teacher conference.

Oh, no. You do not go
cryin' to the teacher.

[Chuckles] that only gets
you shoved in a locker...

With chalk up your nose
and duct tape in your hair.

Honey, I wish I'd been
there to protect you. Oh.

Except you were 34.

It would be easier if I
could just switch schools.

Kyra. Honey.

In my experience, there are
only two ways to deal with bullies.

You can hide in the bushes
until they forget about you,

Or you can buy them presents.

- [No audible dialogue]
- which reminds me...

Reba, I picked you up a little
something at the mall yesterday.

Oh, hey, mrs. H.

If you need us, we're gonna be in the
garage building our mountain of death.

This puppy's gonna
have molten lava,

Miniature trees and tiny little
villagers running for their lives.

Say hello to pedro. Oh.

Hello, pedro.

He's a blacksmith,
and he's about to die.

Can I play with him? No!

[Chuckles] well, I mean, just be
careful, buddy. They're fragile.

[chuckles] ♪♪ [humming]

Reba, we have a situation.
And this time, it's real.

Yeah. We were called down
to pick up kyra from school.

Apparently, she got into
an argument with some girl...

And punched her in the mouth.

What? Kyra hit someone?
Kyra, is this true?

Ah, you know how it
is on the playground.

One minute, we're standing around
drinkin'. The next, we're throwing punches.

Hey, guys. Hey, kyra.

Man, I hope I can move out one
day, so I can constantly be here.

Don't mess with kyra. She
punched a girl at school.

Oh. I knew it was only a matter of
time before miss congeniality snapped.

Spell "congeniality."

Spell "no."

Okay. Spell "knock it off."

All right, girls, we don't have time
for this cheyenne-kyra lovefest.

Kyra, what's going on with you?

Nothing. We're losin' her, reba.

Losin' her to the mean
streets of houston.

Why would you punch some
girl? It's how she shows affection.

That's right. So why don't you
come over here for a little hug.

Oh! Girls! Girls! Girls!

Stop it. Kyra, start talking.

She started messing with
me, so I took a swing at her.

I didn't even think I'd
connect. It's no big deal.

Oh, I think a little girl
going home from school...

With a steak pressed
to her face is a big deal.

What on god's green
earth made you snap?

Have you considered the
fact that she's a total psycho?

- Shut up.
- You shut up.

- Girls, this is
your last warning.
- I gotta get out of here.

Kyra, what did that girl
do to make you lose it?

She called cheyenne
a sl*t, okay?

She called cheyenne a
sl*t, so I punched her.

Oh, my gosh! My
psycho sister loves me.

Kyra standing up for cheyenne.

I hear the words, but I can't
wrap my head around them.

I cannot believe that
girl called me a sl*t.

I was so far from
a sl*t. I was a tease.

Cheyenne, if you were a tease,

I wouldn't be a grandfather yet.

Even if kyra was
standing up for cheyenne,

We still have a huge
problem... She decked that girl.

But she was defending
a member of our family,

Which is what our family
has always done. Yes.

Reba, if I didn't know better,
I'd say you approve of this.

Is that a slam against
my family? Whoa! Hey! Hey!

Come on, barbra jean.

You heard what that
girl called me. Yeah.

Plus, it takes one to know
one. Except I'm not one.

But if I was one, then she would
have to be one, you know, too.

Kyra still has to be punished.

Oh, you got that right. If we
don't, she could turn on us.

And I bruise like a peach.

I do not want my
baby sister to suffer...

Because of some name-calling
girl, who I bet is stupid and ugly.

Just be tough with her, reba. It's
the only thing her kind understands.

Oh, hey there, buttercup.

Kyra. Kyra, come here.

Look at me. I want you to
hear me when I say this, okay?

I love you loving me. I do.

Wow. That almost
wasn't about you.

Kyra, we're all very happy that
you stuck up for your sister.

yes, but hitting
that girl was wrong,

And there need to
be consequences.

So, you're going have to
be punished, right, reba?

[Sighs] yes.

I'm sorry, but your dad's right.

So, I'm afraid there will be no
jackson browne concert next month.

- Who the heck is jack...
- Ah!

Don't push it.

I never knew you felt
that way about me.

Can we please not make a big
deal about this? Anything you want.

Because, as of now, we are
spending every free moment together.

I'm taking you to
the mall. Wha-what?

Come on. No. Please,
just one more punch.

[Tv playing, indistinct] jake? Shouldn't
you and van be workin' on your project?

Van gave me $10 to
leave him alone. What?

Bring me a virgin!

Mrs. H, you have to
take a look at this.

First, smoke and glowing
lights signal the eruption.

Then this trigger mixes the vinegar
and baking soda to form the lava.

And then, finally, a
spring-loaded mechanism...

Sends the whole thing
straight to the ceiling.

[Laughs maniacally] you want to see?
You probably should wear goggles.

Van, did jake help
you build this?

Oh, yeah, about that... He's
not very good with his hands.

This is jake's
project, not yours.

Plus, that thing weighs
more than he does.

But... But mrs. H, look at it.

It's beautiful. There's
no way he won't get an "a."

An "a" is not the point.

Do you even remember school?

Do you remember when I helped jake
build his model of the alamo last year?

Oh, you're kidding.
He had help with that?

Hmm. He put glitter
in the courtyard...

And a unicorn in the stables.

Two details you won't find in
the history book, but it was cute.

I let him do it his way
because it was his project.

And after we were finished,
he felt good about it.

How is this any different than what
your father used to do with you?

You're right. Yeah.

I've turned into my dad. Well.

Next thing you know, I'll be calling
people "sport" and gettin' hair plugs.

[Remote clicks]

Hey, listen, sport.

- [Gasps]
- [mouthing words]

Look, maybe this
volcano's a little... Busy.

How about me and you, we
make another one... Together.

- What do you say?
- Really?

Do I have to?

- Yes.
- Okay.

But instead of lava,
can it sh**t out glitter?

Glitter. [Chuckles]

Sure. We'll call it
"volcano, the musical."

Kyra, I'm just saying that you
should kiss as many boys as you can,

Because one day
you wake up and boom!

It's senior year
and you're married.

Well, if it isn't the bobbsey
twins. You guys have a good time?

Oh, it was great! That's
the first breath she's taken.

- [laughing] you are so hilarious.
- ow.

It is so cool having
such a hilarious sister.

Take good care of
my hilarious sister...

While I'm upstairs, okay, mommy?

Well, if you were a little
older, I'd offer you a drink.

Let me make you some tea?
Thanks. Oh, wait. Wait a minute.

Mom, I gotta confess something.

And if you ever tell
anyone I said this, I'll deny it,

And I'll never tell you
anything ever again, ever.

What is it? I actually had a
pretty good time with her.

[Laughing]

Don't worry. Your
secret's safe with me.

Nobody would have
believed it anyway.

♪♪ [Whistling]

Reba, we have a huge problem.

No, we don't. Cheyenne
and kyra are friends.

All's well in the world. Yeah.

Uh, I just got a call
from kyra's principal.

They have a zero-tolerance
policy towards

Violence. They're
kicking her out of school.

What? They can't do that!

Zero tolerance, reba.

Do you know how much
tolerance they have?

Zero.

That's completely unfair.
She's one of their best students.

I told them that. Sure, she
had a little lapse in judgment,

But that's no reason
to ruin her life.

I told them that too. Well, you
didn't tell them loud enough.

I'm gonna go down there
and talk to those people.

Yeah, I told them that too.

You know who else has
zero tolerance? Reba!

Mom, do you think we
should be doing this?

They're gonna get mad. They
might kick jake out of school.

Kyra, you stood up for cheyenne.

We're gonna stand up for you.

But I don't... No buts!

That's what family
does, okay? Have a seat.

I've been out of high
school almost 30 years.

It still makes me nervous to
go to the principal's office.

Are you chewing gum?

No. [Sighs]

Yes, you are. Are you trying to
get us into even more trouble?

Now, get rid of it. Swallow it.

[Gags]

I'm good. Okay. I'm good.

So, what's our plan of attack?

Okay. Well, we open up
with kyra's school record.

Straight "a" student, honor
roll... That sort of thing.

And then we point out that there are
thousands of students in this school,

And she's only decked one.

Wow. That is brilliant.

- Thank you.
- [Hiccups]

Hey!

My gum came back.

That is a good omen.

- Hey, guys.
- Cheyenne.

Oh, it was so sweet of you to come
down here to support your sister.

Are you kidding me?
After what kyra did for me,

There is no way I'm lettin'
them kick her out of school.

Mom, do we really
have to do this?

Honey, look, I know
you're nervous,

But we've got to go in there and tell
them what happened. I just want to go home.

I know. Sweetheart,
it'll be fine.

Hey, I've got a great idea.

We should have
cheyenne tell the story.

Can you cry on
cue? Are you kidding?

Guess who has never
had a traffic ticket.

[Laughs] me too!

Okay. Cheyenne
and I are gonna cry.

Mom.

Don't worry. If it looks
fake, I'll make 'em stop.

Stop.

- Mrs. Hart?
- Mom, don't do this.

Kyra, I told you... I wasn't defending
cheyenne! I wanted to get kicked out!

Are you coming? Uh,

We're gonna need a minute.

What are you talkin' about?

Are you saying that
girl didn't call me a sl*t?

No, she called you a sl*t and a
loser and a teenage baby machine.

[Gasps] you could
have just said yes.

I know.

She also said that I was
gonna be just like cheyenne.

Which is what everybody
says all the time.

I guess I'm just
tired of hearing,

- "Hey, kyra, how many kids
are you gonna have by prom?"
- [Gasps]

Did you also say cheyenne
is going to college now,

And she has an a-minus average?

It's not my job to defend her.

I just want to live my own life.

I want to go to some school where
nobody's even heard of cheyenne.

Kyra, I'm sorry you're
carrying all this

Weight. But you're goin'
about this all wrong.

Well, what am I supposed to do? Stay here
and be miserable for the next three years?

Honey, when things are
tough, you stick with it.

Well, at least I
didn't hit anybody.

Kyra, honey.

We've gotta go in there and
tell them what's been going on.

Because if we decide to go to another
school, it needs to be on your terms,

Not because you were kicked out.

So you'll let me transfer?

We'll cross this bridge,
and then we'll talk about it.

- All right.
- Ready?

I'll be there in a minute.

Oh. Okay.

Well, I'm glad you
had a good laugh.

You know, I was an idiot to
think you actually liked me.

I did like you.

- I do like you.
- Yeah, right.

You know what? You
fool me once and...

Well, I don't know the rest of the saying,
but you are not gonna fool me again.

At the mall, in
the car, at home...

All the times you
weren't hugging me...

I liked talking to you.

[Laughs] oh.

All the times you
weren't hugging me.

Oh, sorry.

So, what was your favorite
part about talking to me?

All the words you
mispronounced. Oh!

You are hilarious!

There is no way I'm letting them
kick my hilarious sister out of school.

acme! [Coughing]