03x11 - The Great Race

[bunniefuu]

[Man on tv] kitchen and small
bedroom and bath... We've got it...

- Hey, I'm home!
- [Man continues, indistinct]

Why do I always think
that's gonna be big news?

Jake, what'd I tell you about
vegging in front of the tv?

- It's an educational show.
- Jake, you're nine.

You're not gonna buy real
estate with no money down.

- Now, shut it off.
- Man, it's like you don't
want me to get rich.

What am I supposed to do now?

Did you ask the neighbors about
signin' up for your school's 5k run?

No one's gonna
wanna run in a race.

Races are dumb. No they're not.

Your dad and I used
to run 5k's all the time.

They're fun and exciting.
Mom, running isn't fun.

It's what you do to
get away from girls.

Hey, mom. How was your day? Oh!

Busier than a woodpecker
in a lumberyard.

Cool. What's for dinner?

Cheyenne, I just
walked in the door.

And she asked you what's for
dinner. What's with the recap?

- Okay.
- I already have a job.

And I'm sick of my
second one being...

Your chef, cook,
maid and chauffeur.

It would be nice if I had some
time to do somethin' nice for me.

Like take a bubble bath
in a big old tub in europe.

So, what am I supposed to say to people
to get them to sign up for this dumb race?

- Just tell them
how much fun running is.
- They won't believe me.

Sure they will. You've
got an honest face.

Just smile when
you say it. Okay.

Mom?

Will you sign up
for my fun race?

- [Chuckles]
- oh, you are so busted.

Jake, mom doesn't run anymore.

She's right. I don't.

I cook and I clean and I fall
asleep watching the 10:00 news.

But tonight, I'm gonna
take a bubble bath,

And in the morning, I'm
gonna start runnin' again.

Attagirl. [Chuckling]

We're never gonna
get dinner, are we?

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Hey, whatcha doing?

I'm helpin' out around
here. And I'm making a cake.

Mom, where do we keep
the dextrose "sucratose"?

Honey, that's an
instant cake mix.

You're reading the ingredients.

- Just add water!
- Oh. This is gonna be easy.

Cheyenne, I appreciate
your help, but...

I don't know if it's a
good idea with you baking.

For one thing, I don't know
if we have the insurance.

[knocking] don't worry.

I've got someone
coming over to help.

Hey there, culinary
cutie. [Chuckles]

You know, pretty soon, when
people ask, "what's cookin'?"

You can say, "I am."

Is there anything
you won't wear?

No. [Giggles]

Hey, guys. [reba] hey!

Kyra, you silly. Why didn't you
tell me you were comin' over?

We could have walked together.

Sometimes I don't know
what's wrong with me.

[reba] hi, sweetie, do
you need something?

No, I just came to
see the cooking show.

So, what's with the outfit? I'm
gettin' in shape for the school's 5k run.

Hey, you know what?
You oughta do it with me.

[Gasps] you mean, run through
town all sweaty, with my mom?

Finally, I'll be popular.

Okay. For our first lesson, we're
gonna take a little trip to italy.

Mmm! Will cheyenne
be making spaghetti?

I wouldn't put it
"pasta." [Laughing]

[Barbra jean, cheyenne laughing]

Give me... No? Okay.

Yeah! All right! All right.

Hey, mrs. H. I was checkin' out
the entry form for the race,

And this is the perfect
year for you to run in it.

See, you're movin' into
a new age category.

The 42 to 49 group. You're the
youngest of the old people!

You may never get dinner again.

No, see? None of the other
people in your group...

Can run a 5k in
under 24 minutes.

You can kick these
geezer butts! Huh? Huh?

Van, it's not about winnin'! That's
the way brock ruined it for me.

He was so competitive!
Really? What would he do?

He wouldn't talk to the other
runners. He'd elbow people on the turn.

He'd even talk trash to me.
He used to call me "lead feet."

Cheyenne is doin' really well.

but just for the heck of it,
do you have a fire extinguisher?

Stir the sauce. So what
happened then, cheyenne?

So I say to the
saleswoman, "yeah, those

Pants are low, but
they're last year's low...

And I want this year's
low." Stir the sauce.

- The saleswoman said that?
- Yeah. And she gives me
this, like, attitude.

You know, that she's the saleswoman
and she knows what this year's low is.

[Growling] stir!

- So what did you do?
- Oh, this is so great.

And I say really nicely...
You know, my fake nice voice...

"Excuse me, is there any way I can
speak with a manager?" It's burning!

And she says... Stir
the sauce, cheyenne!

And so the manager...
That's the pasta. The sauce!

And so the manager
comes over... Stir, stir!

Don't talk. Just stir!

You know what? We're done. Okay?

You know, there's only so much you can
do to food till it just gives up, you know?

oh! Well, that was so easy!

So much for italiano. I can't wait to
see what we're gonna cook tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Yeah.
Ciao, barbra jean.

[Laughing]

back from your run,
huh? yeah. It was great.

No, it wasn't. It was pathetic.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- I saw you from the porch.

Yeah? This is you.

- I don't run like that!
- Mrs. H, if you have any
chance of winnin' this thing,

You need me to take over
your training immediately.

Would you stop? I don't
care about winning. I told you.

Oh, come on! We'll hit the
streets tomorrow at 6:00 a.m.,

Come back here for
stretching and core training.

- 6:00 A.m.?
- Oh, yeah.

Let me think about that. No.

Listen to me loud and
clear. I am not competitive.

I did it. I got somebody
else to sign up for the race.

- Oh, great, jake!
- Well, well, well.

It's just like the old
days. Isn't it, lead feet?

Make it 5:30. I'm
gonna go run again.

Okay.

let's go, let's go, let's
go! Come on, you're

almost at the finish
line. Finish strong!

- [Gasping] how'd I do? What's my time?
- Um, "yick."

Yick? What do you
mean, yick? Don't say yick.

Okay. "Blecch."

Dang it, van. I tell you every
morning I can't do 5k in 24 minutes.

- When are you gonna believe me?
- Well, I guess I have to today.

'Cause you ran
it in 23:50! [Screams]

[Laughing]

There ya go.
[Continues laughing]

[Sighs] I've never
done that before!

You know, I bet I
could have even done it

Faster if I hadn't tripped
over that trash can!

yeah! [laughing]

Is there anything
you won't wear?

You know, I was stretchin' out on my
driveway when I saw you run by, reba.

It's very impressive. You are
definitely the one to beat...

In the comedy division. [Laughs]

Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Here it comes, van.

Don't start your trash
talk with me, brock.

Yeah, don't bring that
garbage gab around here.

- This is mrs. H's house.
- I'm just making conversation.

Well, you're not
very good at it.

I'm doing this for me, brock. I just
want to enjoy running like I used to...

Before you ruined it
with your competitiveness.

My competitiveness? Uh-huh.

Wait a minute. You're
the one up at the crack

Of dawn, training with
the college athlete.

Training? You
think we're... Hah!

- Van, he thinks we're training.
- [Laughing]

Why? 'Cause we're both
wearin' sweats? Yeah.

Well, maybe we're in the
same dance company, hmm?

You are every bit as
competitive as I am, reba.

'Fraid not. Oh, 'fraid so.

'Fraid not. 'Fraid so, infinity!

You only started to pretend you weren't
when you realized you couldn't beat me.

[Laughs] pardon my french,
but h-h-horsefeathers.

Admit it. When I entered
this race, you saw

It was your opportunity
to finally beat me.

But you forgot
somethin'. I always win.

Well, pardon my
french. Not "zis" time!

And you know why I always win?
Because you're a gigantic butt?

oh, oui, oui! [laughing]

No. Because you don't have that conquering
spirit that it takes to be a winner.

Face it, reba.
You're just too nice.

I'm fixin' to "nice" you right upside
the head. Now, get out of here.

Yeah, I'm going. I'm going. I want to try
to get in a good 5k before work today.

You know, yesterday, I was kind
of slow. Only ran it in 22:00 flat.

- [Softly] oh, yeah.
- Yeah, I forgot how much fun
we used to have doin' this.

- I didn't. 'Cause we didn't.
- [Laughs] yeah.

[Speaking gibberish
in french accent]

Oh, this is so disgusting.
Oh, this is so gross.

[Retching]

Eww, eww, eww, eww.
Gross! No. Mm-mmm. No.

You know,

I used to work at a church summer
camp when I was in high school.

Taught blind kids to cook.

[Inhales] blind kids!

They just picked it right
up. Just... [Snaps fingers]

Is something burning?

[Mimicking cheyenne] "is
something burning?" Eww!

It's the bread.

Do you remember the bread?

Do you remember I told you to
take it out of the oven 10 minutes ago?

Poor bread.

Poor, innocent bread.
It never had a chance.

I like crispy bread.

That's a true story.

Oh. Oh, that's so sad.

- I gotta go home.
- Barbra jean, are
you sure you're okay?

Oh... [Speaking gibberish]

okay, I'm just gonna help
you! I'm just gonna help you!

[Gasps] reba! Oh, reba.

I swear, I tried.

I swear on everything that's
precious and holy, I tried!

Barbra jean, you're preachin'
to the choir. I've been there.

Oh. I love you, reba.

How 'bout that?

Let's start a band.

Definitely somethin'
to think about.

Absolutely. Be careful
on your walk home.

Come on, barbra jean.
Ooh, w-wait, wait, wait.

Look what I can do.

[Imitating airplane]

She did that once when
it was full. Mm-hmm!

She did. [Imitating
electric guitar]

[door closes]

Okay, mrs. H. It's 5:00 p.m., Which
means stretchin' on the patio. Let's go!

- Pass.
- Mrs. H. Tomorrow's the race.

We gotta stretch big time tonight.
There's not gonna be any race.

- At least not for me anyway.
- What, you're quitting?

Who are you, huh? Quitee
quiterson from quitsville, quitland?

- I can't beat him!
- Who? Quitee?

Brock. He was right.

I do wanna beat
him. I always did.

He's also right about
that other thing he said,

About me not havin' that...
Conquerin' spirit thing.

[Sighs] oh, let's
face it, van. I'm nice.

You know what they
say about nice guys.

You can lead them to water,
but you can't make them... No!

No, no, no. That's...
That's horses.

Appreciate your help, but
I'm out. Hey, I totally get it.

Good. You're a grown woman.
It's completely your choice...

- If you want to act
like a big baby.
- [Sighs] knock it off!

I don't feel like a winner!
Mrs. H, listen to me for a minute.

[Sighs] don't tell me what
it feels like to be a winner.

I've been an athlete my whole life.
I know exactly what it feels like...

To score the winning touchdown
or hit the jump shot at the buzzer.

And let me tell you somethin'. It's
the greatest feeling in the world.

Everybody chantin' and
cheering your name. "Go, van!

Van! Van is the man!" [Chuckles]

Yeah.

Mrs. H, your whole
life is like that.

You have conquered
tons of stuff.

Anything that life
could throw at you.

And you keep going, and
you keep this family going.

But you do it in so many
little ways that maybe...

Maybe it doesn't feel like
you're conquering anything.

You know what you need? A
crowd following you around.

[Scoffs] every time you do the
laundry, they do the wave!

[Laughs] huh?

Every time you make a pot roast, they
chant, "mrs. H! Mrs. H! Mrs. H is the man!"

[Laughs] oh, van.
That's really sweet.

And a dang good idea. But it
has nothin' to do with the race!

It's got everything
to do with the race!

You can beat mr. H.
And when you do, you're

Gonna know that
feelin' I'm talking about.

And the next time you don't feel
like a winner, you'll know that you are!

What are you standing there
for? We got some stretching to do!

Ah, dead on.

- Hey! How was the race?
- Great, if you like
watching somebody cheat.

Oh now kyra, I don't that
was technically cheatin'.

Elbowing somebody in
the face on a turn? [Scoffs]

- Yeah, I think
it was, barbra jean.
- Yeah.

I told you. It was an accident.

Yeah, maybe the first time.

Oh, my gosh. Mom beat dad.

Oh, it's not about winning,
cheyenne. If it were...

Yeah. I kicked his butt.
[Screaming, laughing] you did?

You know what this calls for?
A little hair of the dog. [Chuckles]

Kyra, jake, cheyenne, loser.

Louie loser from
loserville, louisiana.

[Chuckling] hey there, coach!

Hey there, winner. Winnie
winnerson from winnersville...

Oh, shut up, van.

You may have lost, dad, but
you sure were funny to watch.

Yeah, that's... That's
what I was going for, son.

L-l-l-l-l-l-l... Van!

- Lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo...
- Van!

[French accent] le loser!

You know what's weird?

Now I totally get why
you tried so hard to win.

It's a great feeling,
this kickin' butt.

Suddenly you seem to be
a little more competitive.

Well, it's more fun to be competitive
when you're winnie winnerson.

But I'm the nice competitive
kind. Not your psycho kind.

Oh, clearly.

Yeah, I could see you
were havin' fun out there.

How could you see that?
With binoculars? [Chuckling]

Yeah, I was. I always
did enjoy runnin'.

Yeah, I know, until I
kinda wrecked it for you.

[Chuckles] brock, of
all the things you

Wrecked in my life,
runnin' is way down there.

Well, I'm glad I could
give you back that feeling.

Well, thanks, but you
didn't give it back. I took it.

- Okay.
- What's that mean? "Okay."

Nothin'. Nothin'.
Forget I said it.

Are you sayin' that you
weren't tryin' to win?

No! No, I tried. I just...

I didn't try the way I usually try.
You know, the gigantic butt way.

Bull! You gave it all
you had and you lost.

I want you to say that to my
face. Well, I can't honestly do that.

Okay, then. You know what?
We're gonna race again. Right now.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Right now! Down
to the park and back. That's three miles.

Yeah, which means I'd
beat you by two. sh**t,

You could take the
car, I'd still beat you.

Come on, big boy.

come on. Put up or shut up.

- Come on.
- Are you serious?

- Yes.
- You want it? You got it.

You are goin' down, red. To
the park and back? Yep. Yep.

okay, guys. My special race-day
dinner will be ready in a few minutes,

Just as soon as the
meat stops boiling.

Change of plans. We'll
race down to the pizza place.

Loser buys. Deal.

And no elbowing
in the face. Deal.

Ow!

acme! [Coughing]