03x09 - The Cat's Meow

[bunniefuu]

[Tv playing, indistinct]
come on, jake. Finish up.

- You didn't pour my milk.
- That's because
you never tip me.

Why didn't you say something?

I was waiting for a commercial.

You're watching a commercial.

Oh!

Then can I get one of those?

Jake, look... Cereal.

Hey, mom, can you pick
elizabeth up after work?

Oh, honey, I can't. I gotta
get jake from karate.

Oh, but I have a night class
and van has scrimmage.

Oh! Can I get one of those?

Okay, fine. I'll figure out
a way to get elizabeth.

Oh, thank you, mom. You bet.

Oh, sh**t. I am running late. Can
one of you guys drop off jake?

Oh, I can't. I've gotta take
elizabeth to her checkup.

- Van, what about you?
- Sure.

Oh, wait. Today? No, I can't.

Oh, well, thanks for
getting my hopes up.

Jake, why aren't you
eating? I don't have a spoon.

Is this your first breakfast?

Here.

- Hey, reba, you got a second?
- Sure. It's my slow time.

I was just wondering if jake could come
over to our house for dinner tonight.

It's kind of a special occasion.
We're having cake and ice cream.

What, barbra jean's
got a new beanie baby?

Seriously?

It's number 450, which is a
state record. Can he come?

- Please?
- I don't know.

It's a school night, and
you'll have homework.

I'll pick him up after school. Heck, I'll
even drop him off now, if you want me to.

Okay, fine, but you owe me.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Hey. Hey, kyra. How was school?

Good... But I really
missed you today.

Oh.

I know you want something,

But this is one fiddle
that says, "play me."

Look.

Is that a cat?

Can we keep her? Please?

Oh, kyra, you
know your father...

Is deathly allergic to cats.

What's her name?

Well, she doesn't have
one yet. Hey, maybe you...

- Clap-clap kitty cat...
- Okay.

The third.

Well, mimi found her and her
dad said they had to get rid of it.

- Oh, I don't know, kyra.
- I'm not even sure my dad's
really allergic to cats.

He just doesn't want one.

He told my mom once that
he was allergic to minivans.

Oh, he is, kyra.

We test-drove one.

Please, barbra jean.

I don't want to sound all mushy,
but there's just something about her.

She seems like she's lonely, like
she needs someone to love her.

Like a certain teenage girl?

Yes.

Well, okay.

We'll keep her
hidden in the attic.

No. The "cattic."

Oh, that is a great
place to hide a cat.

In fact, it's almost...

Say it. Come on, kyra.

"Purr-fect"? Yeah.

Hey, van. Hi, mrs.
H. How was work?

Oh, what can I say?
It's a dentist's office.

People scream, and
we take their money.

Hey, mrs. H, if I were
to tell my professor...

That it's against my
religion to study economics,

Would you give me a
note to back me up?

Van, for the fifth
day in a row, no.

- Where is everybody?
- Cheyenne's over
at mr. H's,

And jake took elizabeth
to a "mommy and me" class.

Switch that.

Jake's over at brock's again?

Oh, man. Did he do
his homework first?

Well, he didn't do
mine. I can tell you that.

No, he didn't.

See, that's the bad thing
about brock and barbra jean...

Living right down the street...

That and the fact that
brock and barbra jean...

Live right down the street.

Oh, and mr. H called.

He said that jake's gonna
be eating over there tonight,

And he'll walk him home later.

He's eating over there again?
That's the fourth time this week.

Well, you know
what economists say.

I have no idea. Please,
write me a note.

And I'll bet they're not
having healthy food.

Yeah, I bet they're having
cake and ice cream...

And cooking hot dogs
on a stick in the fireplace.

Hot dogs on a stick?

Do you know that for a fact?

And I bet he's drinking sodas...

And playing video
games all night long.

Well, this is an outrage.

I should march over
there and keep an eye on him.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no. I'll do it.

I was a little busy, and
brock took advantage of me.

I'm gonna put an end
to this right now.

Be sure and bring
back some hot dogs.

All righty, this
has got to stop.

Thank you for your
blessings, lord.

- Amen. - [All] amen.

Too late, reba,

But maybe, if you hurry, you can
stop the neighbors from saying grace.

- What's up, mom?
- Up? Oh, nothing.

I was just passing by and
figured it would be really funny...

If I just came running in
here like a wild woman.

[Laughing]

Wasn't that funny?

That was really funny.

Thank you, buddy.
So. Dinner, huh?

What you having there, jakey?

It's "brock-oli."

Is there something
you need, reba?

Like maybe a doorbell?

She can have my "brock-oli."

[Chuckling] just eat your
vegetables, bud. Reba?

Actually, brock, I would like to speak
to you privately in the other room.

- About what?
- I guess I'm going to tell you
in the other room.

Excuse me.

[Sneezes] bless you.

What's going on here?

It's called family dinner.

It's a strange ritual that
we do every night at 6:00.

Please don't report
us to the authorities.

Brock, jake has homework,
and I don't want him doing it...

When you finally drag him
home when he's all tired out.

Yeah, me neither. That's why I had him
do today's homework before dinner.

That's tomorrow's assignment.

Wait a minute.

You get him to do his homework
and you get him to eat his "brock-oli,"

And he still wants
to come over here?

- Why?
- Well, I don't know, reba.

Maybe for the same reason that
I like it when he comes over here.

- Yeah? Why's that?
- Because...

Aw, forget it. It's silly.

Yeah, so were our
wedding vows, but I listened.

Because it feels like it used to
feel when we were all together.

It feels like a family.

Hey, well, last time I checked, we
were still a family over at my house too.

Look, I think his coming
over here is a good thing.

Now can I please
go eat my dinner?

You guys cooking hot dogs?

[No audible dialogue]

Hey, ma. What are you doing?

Eating chips. Look at this...

"Family size."

Even the snacks are mocking me.

We're not the family
we used to be, cheyenne.

Oh, no. Grandma died.

No!

Brock moved out. Kyra moved out.

Jake would rather be over there.

My whole family is slowly
moving three houses thataway.

Well, ma, if you're
feeling lonely,

Van and I could have more kids.

It's just that at
your dad's house,

They have the kind of life
I always thought I'd have.

They sit down to
meat loaf at 6:00.

We have leftovers
between commercial breaks.

We stink!

Like normal people.

Mom, look around.
That's america.

Over at dad's, they're like
a bunch of french people.

I feel like jake's missing out on
the kind of life that you guys had.

I mean, you liked the
way it used to be, right?

I'm not gonna drop out of
school to have meat loaf at 6:00.

And there's nothing
we can do about it.

Nothing we can do about it? There's
always something we can do about it.

We can try harder.
Try harder how?

We can start having dinner
together. Ooh. Gotta take a rain check.

i got a study group,
and van... He's really busy.

- Love ya.
- Well, don't plan anything
for breakfast.

We're going french.

Just like those people
three doors down.

[Sneezes]

Well, clap-clap's doing
great up there. Oh, yeah.

[Nasal voice] she's
fine. I'm dying.

You're not
"cat-tageous," are you?

Don't try to kiss up.
Although, good one.

I'm allergic to her.

I thought you owned cats
before... The other clap-claps.

No. Sadly, clap-claps one
and two were imaginary.

Number one died, and
number two ran away.

Well, is dad sick too? No.

You were right. He
was lying, the cheat.

And if I wasn't keeping it secret
from him, I would bust him on it.

I would let the
cat out of the bag.

- How you feeling, honey?
- [Sneezes]

I told you...

I'm fine.

Ha. God help us if
you ever get sick.

Kyra, were you
just up in the attic?

We have an attic?

Well, we need to
call an exterminator.

I just heard something
running around up there.

No, you didn't. Yes, I did.

I meant, "yes, you did."

I said "no, you didn't,"

Meaning, like, "no!

"You didn't.

Get out of town."

You know, that sort of thing.

I've been forgetting to
be more emphatic lately.

You really should get some rest.

And give the
exterminator a call, okay?

Okay, I will.

Okay.

Okay, kyra, I'm sorry. Look...

This cat has got to go.

I'm a puffy-eyed snot machine.

Just give me some more time.

Do it in loving
memory of clap-clap i.

You know, today would
have been her birthday.

Hey, dan.

Who's home? Just me.

Wait. Don't tell me.
You cut your hair.

Listen. I brought you
a little something.

Whoa, a cat? You can't bring a cat
in here. Cheyenne is deathly allergic.

Nobody is allergic to cats.

Oh, yeah? Her
eyes get all runny,

Her face swells up if
she's anywhere near one.

Even a pretty
little thing like you.

Maybe she's just doing that
because she doesn't want...

You to have a cat.

Doing what? Swells her face?

Come on, van, please.
You've gotta help me.

[High-pitched voice] just take
me for a "widdle" while.

I'm "vewy, vewy wuvable."

[Coughs]

She is awfully cute. Mm-hmm.

Oh, and I always liked dogs.

How different could
a cat be? [door opens]

Hello! Anybody home?

It'll be our little secret.

Hi, b.j. Hey, sweetie.

Hey, cheyenne, you're
h*... You're home ear...

You're h*... Aah!

Barbra je... Aah!

He is such a good dancer.

[Sneezes]

- [Nasal voice] morning, mom.
- Oh, honey, you look terrible.

Van said I looked good.

Van lied.

Oh, you poor thing. Here. Have a
seat and I'll make you some pancakes.

I can't eat
anything. Oh, please.

We can't have a family
breakfast without any family,

Even if you are all yechy.

Have a seat. Okay.

And could you
smile a little more?

See? Van was right.
You do look good.

And there he is.

Now as soon as van gets here,

We'll all sit down to
our nice family breakfast,

Like the family that we are.

- What's wrong with you?
- I'm being nice. Shut up.

There's your cereal, jake, in a
bowl, just the way you like it.

Good morning, everyone.

Hello, dear. Hi.

Hey there, sport.

What are you doing?

Cheyenne filled me in,
and I want to show jake...

That there's still a
daddy in this house.

The paperboy threw this...

Under the sprinkler
again this morning.

[Laughs] the little cuss.

This is all wet.

Knock it off. And
take off that sweater.

Well, not in front
of the little ones.

[Sneezes] bless you.

So, isn't this nice?

It's been a while
since we have all...

Eaten together at the same time.

So, jake, how's school
going, little buddy?

I'm done. Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nobody gets to leave
until we're all done.

- We're never gonna finish.
- Can I turn on the tv?

- No. We're not watching tv.
- You know, I swear, young man,

You keep looking
at that thing...

And your head will
turn into a boob tube.

We're going to talk.

Now who wants to start off the
lively breakfast conversation?

Well, what are we
having for dinner? ah!

- Good point. Good point.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Why is everyone
eating together?

Oh, my gosh. Grandma's dead.

No, we're having a family
meal like families do.

Okay. Well, why is van dressed
like my science teacher?

- Kyra, why don't you join us?
- I can't.

Barbra jean told me she
left my schoolbook with you,

And I'd like to get it back.

My schoolbook.

The black-and-white book.

- the cat in the hat.
- i...

He's wearing a hat... The cat.

Oh! Right. Uh, the book.

Kyra, I want that book out
of here. It's making me sick.

[Sneezes] bless you. Bless you.

Come on, kyra. We're
having family time.

Then turn on the tv.

That's what I said.

We're not turning on the tv.

kyra! Kyra... [Chuckles]

Your, uh, schoolbook
got out of its box.

What? You lost
my cat? [Sputters]

- You brought a cat
into this house?
- [Stammers] no.

[Squealing]

Clap-clap!

Was that some sort of dog?

Van, you get back here.
This is better than tv.

Elizabeth, would
you like a pancake?

Hey, van. I got a joke.

Why is six afraid of seven?

I must admit, I'm stumped.

'Cause seven ate nine.

Ah, precious.

Hey, guys. Van, why are you
still wearing that sweater?

Well, it's chilly in the house,
and the sweater warms me.

- And you lost your receipt
from the thrift store.
- And there's that too.

Hey, mom, what's for dinner?

Hot dogs on a stick?

- No. The three of us
are having chicken.
- [Hisses]

But, jake, if you want to go over
to your dad's for dinner, it's fine.

- No. I'll stay here.
- Honey, I mean it.

- You should be able
to have a family meal.
- I do.

Well, not over here. We're
eating at all different times.

And I eat with all of you.

Sometimes I have four
family meals a day.

I'm lucky.

Wow.

Well, that was a loaded "wow."

What's going on
up there, mrs. H?

Well, all this time I thought
jake was missing out on something.

Well, mrs. H,

Did you ever stop to think that maybe
that wonderful little boy in there...

Has the best of both worlds?

I mean, he's got
two great homes,

Three wonderful parents and a whole
mess of people who really love him.

And isn't that the
most important thing?

I think so.

How can that pipe make you
look so goofy but sound so wise?

"Goofy"? Well, someone needs to put
a nickel in the swear jar, young lady.

Why don't I instead go make
you a hot dog on a stick?

Yes!

acme! [Coughing]