03x08 - The Ghost and Mrs. Hart

[bunniefuu]

Mom, you love me, right?

Sounds like a trick
question, but yes.

Great. Then pretend I called
you a bad name and ground me.

- Why?
- Hey, hey!

Who's ready to go
to teddy bears on ice?

I'm gonna wash your mouth
out with soap, young lady.

You're grounded! I hate
you, mom! [Softly] thanks.

- Nice try, kyra.
- Sorry.

Where's jakey? I wanna get his
picture taken with all the teddy bears.

He must be upstairs saying
good-bye to his dignity.

What's the big deal?
I'm lookin' forward to it.

They have heineken on tap, so...

I thought you said you were
gonna have jakey ready to go.

He didn't sleep very
well last night, brock.

He had nightmares. Any idea why?

Dad let him watch scary movies.

You and the teddy
bears started it.

So, he's learning how to
process fear. It's a good thing.

It might not be the movies that
scared him, dad. It might be because...

Kyra!

Because what? Nothing.

- Dad's house is haunted.
- [Sighs]

Wow. How bitter am I
about going to this thing?

Could we just let it go? Well,
the real estate agent told dad...

That a former owner
died in the house.

He didn't die in the house.

He just happened to be home
at the time he passed away.

- You bought a haunted house?
- It's not haunted!

And next to toxic mold, death is one of
the best bargaining chips in real estate.

Now can we please stop talking
about this before barbra jean hears?

Fine by me. Making barbra jean nuts is
only fun when you don't live with her.

- I don't live with her.
- No. No, reba!

- You can't tell her!
- Oh, why not?

Because she might get scared
and keep you up at night?

It might help her
learn to process fear.

I am not kidding, reba. She
really believes everything.

I mean, ghosts, witches.

She even thinks the bag boy down at
the grocery store gave her the evil eye!

I like that kid.

Okay! We're all
ready! [Chuckles]

I don't wanna go!

I sat through your christmas
pageant. You're going.

Barbra jean, you'll never
believe what I just heard...

About the people who used to
live in your house. Oh, really? What?

[Laughing] come on. We better get
going if we wanna beat the traffic.

Come on, jake. Let's go.

Wow, I've heard of people dyin'
to sell their house, but, wow!

Okay, everybody in
the car, away from reba.

Oh, brock. I'm just teasing.

I'm not gonna tell barbra jean
that someone died in your house.

Unless it slips.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

She nailed the drawers
shut. And hid the knives.

Not that I was looking for one.

[Rattling drawer]

Why did you do this?
Ghosts like to open drawers.

So do i.

Since when?

Since your ghostly essence
entered my husband's weak vessel?

Brock, can you hear me? [Groans]

I am not possessed, barbra jean.

And there is nothing
wrong with this house.

For pity's sake, we've lived here for
three months, and nothing has happened!

What about all those noises I
heard in the garage last week?

Is that what you're
worried about, sweetheart?

I have good news. It was rats.

Well, how about when all my
beanie babies ended up in the attic?

That was...

You're right. That
was a little weird. Yeah.

[doorbell rings]

That's no way to answer
the door in a haunted house.

You're supposed to
go, "you rang? [Shudders]

[Laughs] oh, that's very funny.

Well, I hope you're happy.
You've made barbra jean crazy.

Oh, barbra jean was
born crazy, brock.

I can't take credit
for god's work.

All right. Fine. You
made your point.

I won't let jake watch
any more scary movies.

Now, will you please tell barbra
jean there are no ghosts in this house?

- Why don't you tell her?
- Oh, she won't listen to me.

I still can't convince her
that the ghost won't get us...

Just because we're
not all in the same room.

[barbra jean] family
safety count! One!

Two. [barbra jean] kyra!

Three.

Please, reba. Talk to her.

She'll listen to you.

Oh. Hi, reba.

You are reba, aren't you?

You're reba, all right.

Oh, and you can be
number four. Okay.

What number is that lady gonna
be behind you? Oh, what lady?

- [Screams]
- barbra jean!

No. No lady. There is no lady.

No, because she just
went through that wall. Oh!

Oh, my gosh. Is it suddenly
chillier in here? Brr.

- Oh, my gosh!
- Brr!

Like a grave! Oh, I
gotta get out of here.

What did you do that for?
I can't help it. It's funny.

Funny? Funny? Ya
think it's funny...

That I had to spin around 10 times
last night before I got into bed?

I broke a perfectly good
lamp! [Chuckling] it's a little funny.

I can't stay here. We're gonna
spend the day at the mall.

Reba! Yeah, you'll
be safer there.

Or, or, or you could
just hang out at reba's.

Oh! Even better!

I'll see you at home, reba.

Now it's a little funny.

[barbra jean] and
that's when I saw it.

All the sticks at the
base of that tree...

Spelled out the
words, "barbra jean."

But not in a language
anyone's ever seen before.

Oh, my gosh. I know
that language.

[Speaking gibberish]

What does that mean? Go home!

Well, where do
you want me to go?

Brock's still at work, and
kyra's not home from school yet.

You certainly don't expect me to
be alone in a house with a ghost.

- You have a ghost?
- Oh, yeah. Someone died there.

[Laughs] that doesn't
mean anything.

Where you get this crazy connection between
ghosts and dead people is beyond me.

You know what?

- I wonder if anyone
ever died here.
- People died in our house?

[Chuckling] not yet.

Hey, jake. You want a
popsicle? Oh, I ate the last one.

Okay. How bout a cookie?
Nope. Those are gone too.

Ice cream? Guilty.

I think the ghost at her
house starved to death.

All right. Henry and elizabeth
are finally down for their nap.

Oh, you guys. Thanks so
much for watching henry.

I couldn't possibly let a baby
spend the night in a haunted house.

I don't believe in ghosts. I
believe in the circle of life.

Hakuna tatata-ta!

You know, it's great for elizabeth to
have someone her own age to play with.

I mean, how much time can an
adult spend playing peek-a-boo?

Tell me about it.
Where's elizabeth?

I don't have to look. I
know she's right there.

[cheyenne] yeah.

Well, we don't play those
kinds of games with henry.

We give him toys
that expand his mind.

- Henry plays with that?
- Uh-huh.

- Well, isn't that toy for,
like, ages five and up?
- Oh yeah.

But they just put those ages on the
box to make dumb kids' parents feel better.

- So, what does
elizabeth play with?
- Mostly her feet.

oh. she can fit five
toes in her mouth.

Anyway, I bet reba's
looking for me by now.

[Screaming] reba!
Hey, wait, reba!

We need to get
elizabeth a tutor, now.

Van. [Chuckles]

So, that's why I didn't
become a zookeeper.

Because once a kangaroo
decides it doesn't like you, forget it.

[Laughs] so, tell me some
of your unfulfilled dreams.

Most of them involve
you. And a train.

- Hey.
- well, isn't this cozy?

Reba, I've gotta thank
you. You know, I would

Have worried, leaving
barbra jean all alone...

With that ghost
you told her about.

Luckily, she was over here,
safe with you all day long.

Okay then. I can see you
two have had enough fun.

Barbra jean, honey,
you can come home.

I found out that our
house can't be haunted...

Because the man who died
there had a very peaceful passing.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, and then his wife,
insane with grief,

k*lled herself and
their pet dog. Kyra!

She was on her way
back to your house.

I know. I nipped
that one in the bud.

Okay. So it's come down to this.

Barbra jean, I got you
a little something. Oh.

Here ya go. getting
rid of the unwanted.

I saw it and thought of you. Oh!

- [Mouthing words]
- what is it?

It's instructions for cleansing
your house of evil spirits.

But it's not that easy though.
It takes two people all night.

Do you really have to
have two people? Yep.

One, two. [Chuckles]
have fun, brock.

Well, gee. Thanks, reba.

Unfortunately, I'm not
gonna be home this weekend.

- What?
- He's got
a golf trip in vegas...

That he can't get out of.

Hey, I only get to
play golf twice.

The rest of the time,
I'm stuck in vegas.

Kyra? Well, don't look at me.

I'm spending the night at
tammy's. You hate tammy.

Yeah, but at least she doesn't walk around
with a bloody ax calling, "here, spot."

- Eww!
- Hey, you know what?

Reba bought you the book. I bet she
could help you get rid of that ghost.

Oh, reba. Would you? I just can't
live with an evil presence in my house.

Then you shouldn't
have married him.

I'm sorry, barbra jean,
but there is no way...

I'm gonna spend the night at
your house chasing ghosts.

Well, if you won't help
me cleanse the house,

I guess I'm gonna have to stay
here until brock gets back.

Oh, that'd be great. Then I
could take the later flight home.

I've just got one
thing to say to you.

[Speaking gibberish]

- [gibberish continues]
- oh no, no, no, no...

Okay. Well, I'll call you
when I get to the hotel.

Which I think is one of those
really loud ones on the strip.

I'm not gonna get
any reading done.

Okay, sweetums. I love you.
I love you more, huggums.

Man, this house is scary.

Okay, reba. I'm gonna go get the
stuff, and then we can get started.

Oh, if this weren't so
terrifying, it'd be fun. [Chuckles]

Brock, next time you leave me for somebody,
make sure she's not a big old wimp.

[Chuckles] it's too bad we can't
all be as brave as you, reba.

- Hey, you got
a spider in your hair.
- [Scoffs] nice try, brock.

[Whimpering] look out, ghosts!

Reba's bustin'
a move! [Shrieking]

[Imitating lock clicking] okay.

Can we just get this
over with, please?

Okeydoke. Now,
according to the book,

We need to perform a séance,

Contact the lingering spirit
and politely ask him to leave.

He will then communicate
his responses...

Through the supernatural
powers of the ouija board.

"Made by parker brothers.

Fun for the whole
family, living and dead."

All right. [Clears throat]

Hello, spirit world...

Residin' here at


This is barbra jean
and reba callin'.

Say hello, reba.

'Sup?

If there is an otherworldly presence
in this house, please speak to us.

It's movin'! It's movin'!

Yeah, 'cause you're movin' it.
I'm not movin' it! You're movin' it.

I'm not movin' it. Are you movin'
it? You're movin' it, aren't ya?

Reba? Reba?

[Speaking in deep voice]
I'm not reba. [Screams]

[Laughing]

[barbra jean screams]

All right. The kids are all
bathed and ready for bed.

And elizabeth is waiting
for you upstairs...

To go sing your goofy opera version
of "twinkle, twinkle, little star."

Well, singin' opera
won't make her smarter.

- What are you talkin' about?
- I been reading these
child development books.

- We've been doing it
wrong with elizabeth.
- I don't think so, van.

Oh, yes we have. We've
wasted so much time.

All that time I spent
blowin' on her stomach,

I could have been teachin' her
the periodic table of elements.

Van, elizabeth laughs when
you blow on her stomach.

Well, there's plenty of time for
laughter later, when she's a chemist.

Okay. All right, look.

I do not know what you
are all worked up about.

I told you, it is completely normal
for kids to develop at different rates.

What if she's behind the
other kids to begin with?

- Why would she be behind?
- Because of me.

Maybe I'm not the sharpest
tool in the chandelier.

You're plenty
sharp. Yeah, right.

I couldn't tie my shoe
until I was five years old.

Yeah, and your mom told me why.

Because when you put the little
rabbit through the rabbit hole,

All of a sudden your shoes would
turn into a spaceship or race cars,

And you'd run off in your socks
playing this incredibly creative game.

Yeah. Those rabbits
were kinda hilarious.

You are kinda hilarious.

And inventive.
And smart. Well...

And your daughter is
gonna be the same way.

[Sighs] I meant to say, the
sharpest tool in the shed.

I liked the way you
said it the first time.

I'm gonna go check
on the kids. Okay.

[Opera] ♪ twinkle,
twinkle little star ♪

[reba] it wasn't a ghost.
It was a blown fuse.

Hey, by the way, you
got rats in your garage.

- What are you doing?
- You're not taking this
seriously,

So the cleansing is off.

I'll just stay somewhere
else until brock gets back.

Where, my house?
You're not my only friend.

I'll stay at... A motel.

Barbra jean, I was
just kiddin' around.

Well, I'm not laughin'. And
the ghost isn't laughin'.

And if he were laughin', it
would sound like... [Demonic laugh]

- And that's not funny.
- You can't be afraid of ghosts.

You're brave. I've seen you
eat a raisinet off the sidewalk.

It was a junior mint, and I
caught it before it hit the ground.

Besides, what do you know about
fear, miss I'm-not-afraid-of-anything?

Why does everybody say
that I'm not afraid of anything?

Because you're not.

You're not afraid of
the dark or thunder...

Or wearin' pink with red hair...
Which is not wise, but you do it.

You're fearless, reba.

It's not that I'm fearless.
It's just that... [Sighs]

I think believin'
in ghosts is silly.

Well, you wouldn't think it was
so silly if the ghost was after you.

What are you talking about? If I tell
you, you're just gonna make fun of me.

Barbra jean, I'm already
making fun of you.

All right.

If you must know, the ghost is
after me because I'm a bad person.

- What?
- I stole your husband.

I broke up your family, and now I
have a way better house than you do.

So, the reason you're
afraid of ghosts is because...

You think they're gonna
punish you for what you did?

- Yes.
- [Laughing] oh, barbra jean.

If anybody's gonna
punish you, it's me.

And I promise you, when
I die, I will haunt you.

Every noise you hear,
every time you trip,

Every bad hair
day... It'll be me.

Oh, reba, don't try to
make me feel better.

It just makes it worse.

Because this horrible thing
that I've done... That I can't undo...

I did to my very best friend.

[Crying]

Barbra jean, we're
not best friends.

Barbra jean, things
happen for a reason.

Like, maybe you're
in my life because...

Reba?

I needed someone to
ruin everything for me.

[Sighs] well, yeah.

I can see how that
was helpful. No, no, no.

You know what? Maybe it was.

I've lived through
my biggest fears.

My husband left, kyra moved out.

And things seemed
to be just fallin' apart.

Nothing gets scarier than that.

But because of you, I know
that I can deal with anything now.

Wow.

I wish I had the kind of courage
brought on by deep, personal tragedy.

Well, you married
brock. That's a start.

So, can we call off this
whole house cleansing bit?

Okay. Hey, reba.

Do you wanna ask the ouija board
if brock's being a good boy in vegas?

Oh, barbra jean, you don't think
that thing really works, do you?

[Both squealing]

acme! [Coughing]