03x06 - Calling the Pot Brock

[bunniefuu]

Okay, kyra, I think you owe me a thank
you for driving you home from school...

And an apology for
introducing me as your driver,

Giant malibu barbie!

I was embarrassed. You
walked around campus yelling,

"Is kyra here-a?
Is kyra here-a?"

I just wanted to see how you were
doin' now that you're in high school.

It can be a really hard
adjustment. I'm fine.

You know, and I want to make sure that
you're hangin' out with the right kids.

Got it. You know, people that
won't lead you down the wrong path...

Gangs, drinkin', bettin' on dog
fights, you know, that sort of thing.

And now I know.

Or pot.

Do any of the kids at your... At
your school, do they smoke pot?

Nope, not a one. In fact, we
were written up in usa today.

I'm serious. Do any
of your friends?

Why would you even
think that? Well, I don't.

It seemed like you
had wonderful friends.

Except maybe for that red-haired
kid who was sitting on the bleachers.

Yeah, he looked
like a stoner. Gary?

Yeah. Yeah, that's the one. His eyes,
they looked a little whacked out to me.

He's blind.

Look, if the question is whether
I'll buy you pot, the answer is no.

Okay. You know, what if
someone were to offer you some?

What about peer pressure?

Come on, kyra. Pot is fun.

All the cool kids are doin' it.

Hey, you wanna take a little
ride on my magic carpet?

Ooh. What is going on?

She's working on her sales
pitch. We need the money.

We were talkin'
about high school,

About peer pressure and whether any
of the people she knows have smoked pot.

And she hasn't said yet.

Oh. Well, what about that, kyra?

What? You want me to start asking
people whether they have or not?

Yeah. I think it's important that you
know about the people you spend time with.

Okay. Dad, have you
ever smoked pot?

What?

Oh, I'm sorry. I believe back
then they called it reefer.

Reefer. Reefer. [Laughing]

No. No, of course not.

Don't you wanna
know about me, kyra?

Yeah, barbra jean.
What are you on?

I have never done drugs...

That weren't prescribed
by a licensed therapist.

Wonderful. Can I go
now? I think I need a drink.

Hey.

You know, it's true.

If you're honest with your
kids, they'll be honest with you.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I need to go apologize
to a little blind boy.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

No. Gotta go.

Hey, there.

Guys, when I left, I said
empty the dishwasher.

We're checking for poison.

Oh, I don't keep my poison
in the refrigerator.

No, mrs. H. You
keep it right here.

Listen to this. "Dextromono"...

Somethin'-somethin'
ser-somethin'.

The somethin'-somethin'
is why I buy it.

It's a chemical compound that has
no relationship to any actual food.

Yeah, but it goes
great on a bagel.

Coach had a nutritionist
talk to the football team,

And he explained that we're allowing all of
these horrible chemicals into our bodies.

All this stuff has to go.

What's the problem with the
olives? I just don't like olives.

Okay, put everything back.

You're committing
slow suicide, mom.

I have my reasons, darling.

Hey, guys, can i, uh, get
a second with your mom?

Put it all back. And
empty the dishwasher.

- Nice going, van.
- So, what happened?

Well, kyra asked
me if I had, you know,

Smoked pot, and I
told her I never had.

So what's the problem? Well,
we both know I used to in college!

Shh. That's right. We both know,
and that's all who needs to know.

Yeah, but, reba, I
wasn't honest with her.

Brock, there'll come a time
when the kids get a little older...

That you can tell them all
about your boneheaded past.

I just don't think
the time is now.

You know, she gave me this
look like she knew I was lyin'.

Well, if anybody can
recognize that look, it's you.

Okay, sorry.

All right, so tell me what
you guys told her about drugs.

Well, basically, that was it. Then
you really didn't have the talk.

It came at me out of
the blue. I panicked.

Okay, now we're gonna
have to talk to her together.

I'll tell her that I
never smoked pot either.

Well, that doesn't help
me, does it? You didn't.

I know. That's why
I'm thinkin' clearly.

You know, maybe...
Maybe this is a good idea.

Plus, we could tell her
about the people we knew...

Who smoked a lot of pot
and all the problems they had.

Oh, like that guy toast!
The one that got busted.

Or you know who's
worse? That guy brain.

He was always high. I
wonder what he's up to now.

He started a software
company. He's a billionaire.

- Hey, mrs. H.
- Hey, guys. Out shoppin'?

Yes. We went to the gentle
earth natural pantry.

Oh, man. Wish I'd known.
I need some clorox.

No, mrs. H. Here's
what you need.

Completely organic,
no processed sugar,

Additive-free
strawberry preserves.

And we got nonbleached, stone-ground
sesame crackers to put it on.

Pure natural flavor. Mm-hmm.

Mmm! Mmm! Oh, outstanding!

"The world of marijuana."
"The pot culture."

"The inside dope on dope."

Wow, and we thought
your food was a problem.

Mrs. H, are you smoking weed?

I'm gettin' ready for
my big talk with kyra.

And since I never did
drugs, I'm educatin' myself.

Oh, if you want to teach her about drugs,
you should watch that movie scarface.

"Say hello to my little
friend." [Imitating machine g*n]

Say good-bye to little
reba. [Imitating machine g*n]

You know what's
really cool, cheyenne,

Is that one day we'll be able
to look our daughter in the eye,

Just like your mom can with
kyra, and say the same thing.

"Honey, we never did
drugs." That is huge!

Yeah, well, it must be, 'cause
you keep on yapping about it.

- What's the matter with you?
- Nothing.

I just don't understand why
we're having a conversation...

About what we're gonna tell our
baby daughter when she's, like, 15.

Honey, we're just talking. What
are you getting so angry about?

What if she did try it once, van? I mean,
would that make her a terrible person?

What are you...

Oh, wow.

- Yeah.
- When?

- At cheerleading camp.
- Oh, that's just great,
cheyenne.

that's great! Did you
ever stop and think...

That maybe that's why
your pyramid was lopsided?

Are you sure you don't want
me to stay for the big talk, reba?

Kyra knows that I'm an
example of a drug-free life.

Then you really should go.

Okay. But remember,

If she says "mary jane,"
that's code for marijuana.

Okay. And if I say "tangerine,"

That's code for "get out."

Tangerine. Oh!

Do I seem calm? I
seem calm, right?

You seem calm.

You know, it's important to
talk to your kids about this stuff.

People think it's so simple. I mean,
like those stupid rubber mats...

That they put in the bottom of
urinals that say, "don't do drugs."

I mean, if you're gettin' your
advice from the bottom of a urinal,

Hey, maybe drugs aren't
such a bad way to go.

- I'm just gonna tell her
the truth, reba.
- No, you're not.

Remember, this is about
me talking and you nodding.

Look who I ran into.

I got your message. What's
up? Just a little rap session.

A rap session? Are you sure
we're in the right decade for that?

This is not gonna
be any big deal,

But your father told me
what you guys talked about,

And we just wanna
follow up on that.

I like when all three of
you stare at me like that.

It's comforting.

Kyra, we understand that drugs exist
and that some kids might be doing 'em.

And to those kids it might
seem like harmless fun,

But it can get
serious real fast.

See, your dad and I had
this friend who... [Laughs]

Well, he thought it
would be harmless fun too.

- He wound up in jail.
- Whoa.

Big-time whoa.

Drugs are bad, man.

They're a bad scene.

Anyway, I just want you to know
that you can always come talk to me.

- And you'll be honest?
- Absolutely.

Okay, then. Well, I know
dad never smoked pot.

- But did you, mom?
- No. And there were times...

I did! I did do it, okay?
Okay, I did it! I smoked pot!

[Laughing] anyhow,

Like I said, kyra, this
isn't gonna be any big deal.

You smoked pot?

Were you high when
you married me?

A lot of people ask that.

Barbra jean, this is not
about you. This is about kyra.

Oh.

The mistakes we
made are our mistakes.

You have your whole
life ahead of you.

Well, actually, there are a couple of
things that I've been wondering about,

And I didn't want to be one of those
nerds who has to read pamphlets.

You feel like taking a walk?

Sure. Let's go down and
get some ice cream. yeah.

Well, would it be cool
if I just went with dad?

Oh, sure. That's cool.

yeah. I'll talk to
you guys later.

Okay.

Oh, my gosh! I'm
married to a pothead!

Tangerine!

- Hey, there.
- Hey, mrs. H,
I need your advice.

Just shave right there.
It'll look like two brows.

I have this friend, who
you may or may not know,

Who may or may not be real.

And I found out that this
person has done drugs.

You know? What did brock do?

Wear a t-shirt that
said "I smoked pot"?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Mr. H smokes pot?

[Laughing] that sure
explains a whole lot. Oh, man.

The oak tree doesn't
grow far from the place...

Where the acorn fell from
it before it started to grow.

Van, are you high right now?

It came up when we were
givin' our talk to kyra.

- Well, how did she react?
- Well, the wrong way.

Suddenly she wants to do all
her serious talking with brock.

- Well, I bet he's got
some really good stories.
- I've got some good stories too!

And they don't all start
with "dude, check it out."

I mean, just because
you never smoked pot...

Doesn't mean you're not cool.

Hello, my weed-free friend.

Or maybe it does.

Van, could you please excuse us?

Reba and I need to discuss something
personal that is not for children's ears.

It's about my husband
and his friend, mary jane.

You know that's code for pot.

Okay, mr. Smarty-pants. You
know what tangerine means?

Get out.

See? You're not the only
one that gets on my nerves.

And he already knows
about old smokey.

Well, isn't that fabulous!

Somethin' for the
christmas newsletter.

That makes you think, huh?
If mr. H hadn't fried his brain,

He probably would've been a
real doctor instead of a dentist.

Man, I gotta figure
out something to do,

Because kyra won't talk to
me because I never smoked pot.

- Lie.
- What?

Yeah, tell her that you said you
never did it, but you actually did.

You could tell her that you did it
at cheerleading camp or something.

I can't lie to her
about this. Can i?

Well, if it keeps you
in the loop, why not?

Well, if you don't want to
lie, you could smoke pot now.

I'm sure brock's got a little wacky
"tobacky" stashed in his golf bag.

I gotta go.

These are really good for you,
aren't they? You bet they are.

I can tell, 'cause
they're gross.

Hey. Everybody
hates these crackers.

Really? I like those things.

Oh, you do realize they're
stone-ground, right? Not "stoner-ground."

[Laughing] about that.

This is so weird. Today I was
looking through my diary,

And I found some stuff that I wrote
when I was at cheerleading camp.

Look.

"July 10. Didn't smoke pot.

Disappointed in
the girls that did."

Yeah. See, some of the girls
were smoking, but most us weren't.

and I guess I got confused, and I
thought I was one of the ones that did.

But as you can see, I was
one of the ones that didn't.

Oh! Well, that's weird!

According to my driver's
license, I wasn't born yesterday!

You can't stop lying!
You've got "liarrhea."

You know what you've got?

You've got "why are you
such a big 'jerk-arrhea.'"

Why are you flipping out
that I smoked pot one time?

Because of elizabeth, cheyenne!

Us not doing drugs
is the one thing...

I was hoping would make up for us
getting pregnant before we were married.

"Hey, mom and dad, if I'm 16, how come
you've only been married for 15 years?"

And we'd say, "the important thing
is, honey, we never smoked pot."

Well, I guess we can't say
that now, can we, puffy?

Well, we could lie.

Oh, yeah, that's
brilliant, cheyenne.

If we're gonna lie
about that, why don't we

Just lie about when
we got married? I like it.

Hey, kyra, you got a minute?

There's, uh, something I
need to talk to you about.

Mom, we've had the
sex talk four times.

Unless something's
changed, I get it.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Funny.

No, the thing is, uh,

You know the other night when I
told you that I'd never smoked pot?

Well, that wasn't
exactly the whole story.

Uh, the truth is...

This isn't exactly
really easy for me to say,

But... I never smoked pot.

I know, mom. Look,
I'd love to talk more,

But I'm meeting a private
plane from colombia.

Kyra,

How many times
have you smoked pot?

Counting church?

How many times?
Never. I've never done it.

Me either. We've got
something in common, huh?

How many times you been
offered to smoke pot? Twice.

Twice. [Sputtering]

I've probably been offered
over 200 times. 200 Times?

Well, you don't live with a guy named
toast without bein' offered the bong a lot.

Dad's nickname was
toast? No! No, no, no.

Another guy that
lived in the house.

But the point is, even bein' offered
it all those times, I never did it.

So let me ask you this. Are
you plannin' on smokin' pot?

It's not really the
kind of thing you plan.

You're right. It's not. [Sighs]

That's why you might
want to know what it was

Like for me to turn it
down all those times.

Or what people said
to try to get me to do it.

Or if I feel like I've
missed out on something.

Don't you think what I
went through has value?

I never thought of it that way.

Me neither. I just pulled
that one out of my hat.

Honey, anything I can take from
my life to make your life safer,

That has value to me.

Hey, kiddo, sorry I'm late.

Hi, reba. So, you wanna
go get that smoothie?

Um, actually, dad, I wanted
to go talk to mom first.

Can we get a smoothie later?

- Yeah, yeah, sure. When you get back.
- Okay. Cool.

Bye. Bye.

Have fun.

Hey, honey. Hey.

So, um, you know that
whole pot smoking thing,

That's all in your past, right?

Yes, barbra jean.
I did it in college.

Good. [Sighs]

Then you won't mind givin'
me a little sample, cowboy.

And we'll be doin' these
little tests once a month.

acme! [Coughing]