03x03 - w*r and Peace

[bunniefuu]

Hey, jake. How was the
miniature golf tournament?

It was "tee-riffic,"
reba. [Laughs]

Dad missed a shot and smashed
the clown head with his putter.

- Mmm.
- Hey, I got a hole in one
on the windmill.

Nobody mentions that.

So, where's kyra?

I haven't seen her in three
days. You still got her, don't ya?

Well, we asked her to go, but
I guess she didn't feel like it.

I'm learnin' that when she goes
like this with her face... [Grunts]

It means no.

You know, kyra used
to love miniature golf.

She also used to love her
little mermaid feety pajamas.

But people grow out
of that stuff. [Laughing]

- Not always.
- [laughing continues]

[Indistinct]

Unpleasant.

Hey, remember how I used to say it was
neat to watch kyra becoming so spirited?

I was wrong. And it's not
so much spirited as it's...

- Ornery?
- No.

Ornery and downright mean?

Can I put my two cents in?

You see, in preparation for
kyra movin' into our house,

I have been reading a lot of
articles about child rearing...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're gonna
raise a teenager by reading articles?

[laughing]

Let me know how
that goes. [Snickers]

And I've learned that the key thing
teens need in their lives is structure.

And by structure, I mean rules.

I think you'll be impressed when you see
the change in our little kyra's attitude...

When she finally
realizes she's not the boss.

Sounds to me like you better
start lookin' for your third wife.

[reba] ha, hey.

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

[cheyenne] mom, you set
a plate for kyra again.

Oh, man. It's the
third time this week.

You really miss her, don't
you? Hey, you know what?

I could go slam a door or
stomp up the stairs or something.

Oh, no, no. I know. "I hate
everyone and everything."

You got the words, honey,
but you ain't got the music.

Hey, how was woodstock?

I didn't get any
sleep last night.

My head feels like one of those
snow globe things that you shake,

Except instead of snowflakes,
it's filled with not-sleepin' flakes.

So what kept you up?
Workin' on your metaphors?

I don't know what
could've kept me up.

Could've been the stress from
starting classes this week...

Or it could have been
cheyenne's snoring.

I do not snore.

You practically sucked
the drapes off the window.

- Mom, tell him I don't snore.
- At least you don't make that...

[Snores] "wee wee wee
wee wee wee wee" sound.

All right. Well, you
know, if it's so bad,

Why don't you just go
sleep in kyra's old room?

Or I could sleep in our
room, and you could sleep...

Down by the wharf and
guide ships through the fog.

[Imitating fog horn blaring]

I could not guide ships! You
know nothing about ships!

She snored in the womb. I
didn't sleep for nine months.

This is gettin' bad,
mrs. H. I'm tellin' you.

Don't be surprised if this sleep
deprivation thing starts to make me act...

I don't know... A little goofy!

[Shouts]

- Hey.
- Kyra, you're here!

Oh, my gosh! Look at you!

You've grown so much!

You're not gonna cry and get all
mushy just because I came over, are you?

Oh, of course not! [Sobs]

I missed you too, mom. You did?

Well, come, sit down. Sit
down. Tell me everything.

Start from the minute
you started missin' me.

Mom. Okay, start
anywhere you want.

Well, uh, I'm thinkin'
about joining choir.

Choir. Okay, well,
tell me about choir.

Why choir? Well,
there's sort of a boy.

A boy. [Laughs] oh, my gosh.

You have just shared an
intimate detail in your life.

And now I'm
starting to regret it.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm sorry.

It's just great to
get to talk to you.

Look at us. We're sittin'
here happy, talkin'.

You know, you movin'
over there with your

Dad might not be such
a bad thing after all.

Maybe all the kids oughta
move over there with him.

- Hi, reba.
- Hey.

Hey, there, snookie.

I think somebody
forgot their sweater.

Okay, again, the
snookie thing? Uh-huh?

Please stop that. Right. Okay.

And I didn't forget my sweater.
I told you, I don't need one.

What's the rule, kyra?

When it's under 60 fahrenheit,

A sweater we'll
be wearin' tight.

I have to get to school.
Can I talk to you later, mom?

Sure. Call me. I'm in the book
under "t" for "talk, talk, talk."

I also need to check
your homework.

No, you don't need to
check my homework.

And you don't have to chase me down
the street with sweaters and hats.

I'm 14. Can I just
handle my own life?

- Of course.
- Thank you.

Bye. Bye.

I encourage her to
speak frankly with me.

Looks like it's workin'. Yeah.

♪♪ [loud rock] [barbra
jean] I said, turn it down!

♪♪ [continues]

Hey, honey. The funniest
thing happened today.

I'm supposed to extract tara peterson's
upper sixes and her lower fours.

Only penny puts the x-ray
on the screen upside down...

So it looks like I'm supposed to extract
her upper fours and her lower sixes.

Only I know for a fact she
doesn't have any upper fours,

Because I extracted them
last spring, so I'm, like, whoa!

That's a true story.

So, how was your day?

Oh, my day?

Turn it down! ♪♪ [continues]

She has been punishing
me with her music...

Ever since she came home late
without callin' to say she'd be late,

And I asked her
why she didn't call.

And I thought that
was a nighttime rule.

Oh. So we should only
set limits for kyra at night.

Wake up, brock! Juvie hall is full
of kids that went bad in the daylight!

Barbra jean, honey, do we have
to get into it with kyra every night?

I'm startin' to feel like you're
not with me on this rules thing.

Honey, I know
discipline isn't easy,

But she needs it.

And I have a great new system I
got from an article I was readin'.

Hey, another article. Ta-da!

- Is that a doghouse?
- Yes.

And four little dogs...
Brock, barbra jean,

Henry and kyra.

From now on, when
someone breaks a rule,

Like not callin' when
they're gonna be late,

Their little dog
goes in the doghouse.

- Has kyra seen this yet?
- No. I just put it up.

- Take it down.
- What?

I love you, barbra jean. I don't
want to lose you. Take it down.

[footsteps approaching]

- She's coming.
- Take it down.

Take it down, take
it down, take it down!

Hey, sweetie. Hey.

Oh, whoops. We don't have
any drinks. Who wants milk?

Oh, no, no. No
beverages with dinner.

- What was that?
- New rule.

I was reading this
article by this doctor...

Well, not a doctor doctor.

He's the kind of doctor where
you don't have to go to school.

And he says that it's
better for your digestion...

If you drink your
beverages after your meal.

- Let's eat.
- Okay.

- Congratulations.
- For the rule?

Thank you, kyra. Yeah.

I didn't think it was possible
to come up with a dumber one...

Than slice the bananas
lengthwise, but you did it.

New rule. No sayin'
"dumb" at the table.

New rule. No being
dumb at the table.

- [Laughs]
- okay.

Okay.

Voilà! Everybody.

- Yes!
- Let's just relax.

Do I really have to
put up with these rules?

- Well...
- Your father and i...

Are in agreement on
all the rules, kyra.

Fine. I'm going to the mall with mom
tonight. I'll just get something there.

Thanks for the backup, france!

No drinks at dinner?
No drinks at dinner?

You served hot
wings and crackers!

Next time, why don't you just
put a salt lick on the table?

Well, I'm sorry. Next time,
I'll just run the menu by kyra.

She seems to be
runnin' the house!

This house? Yeah.

The big house? Yeah.

Or do you mean... The dog house?

New rule. You're
sleepin' on the couch.

New rule... I didn't
mean it, honey.

Look at us. We're arguin' again.

We never argue,
mr. Boopie-woo-woo.

I know, mrs.
Boopie-woo-woo. [knocking]

- Hey, homeowners.
- Hey, reba.

Kyra and I are goin'
to the music store.

She asked me, on the phone.

that's right. She called me,

'Cause I'm her buddy.

Can't believe I'm gonna say this,
but I really like this arrangement.

How's it workin' out for y'all?

She's tearin' us apart!

Well, go after her,
mr. Whoopie-boo-boo.

Ah, this just keeps
getting better.

Wow, kyra must be makin'
their lives miserable.

I know. [Laughing]

I mean, I know.

Well, hello, ladies.

You both look lovely and
well rested, or is that just me?

- Boy, you're in a good mood.
- Oh, yeah.

I slept in kyra's
old room last night.

I feel like van van winkle.

Yeah, well, I had a lousy night.

Apparently I can't sleep without someone
screaming "fumble" five times a night.

Why would I be dreaming about
football when I sleep with a wood chipper?

[Imitating wood chipper]

Fumble! Fumble! Fumble!
[Wood chipper continues]

[knocking]

Okay, reba, we need to
ask you for a huge favor.

Hey, anything for
the boopie-woo-woos.

It's about kyra. What about her?

We want you to order
her to listen to us.

Why would you need me to
do that? You're her father.

Yeah, but when I lived here, all I ever
had to say was, "listen to your mother."

Well, that doesn't work unless
you tell her somethin' first.

Come on, reba.
You gotta help us.

We have to live
with her every day.

You don't understand
what it's like.

No, no. I understand perfectly.

See, for the last few months,
I thought kyra hated my guts.

But then I realized
she don't hate me.

She hates the person
tellin' her what to do.

Yeah, we get that.

Well, get this. I don't have
to be that person anymore.

I get to be the person who
stands here and says, "ha-ha."

[Laughing]

- So you're not gonna help us?
- Nope. Nope.

I like my new relationship with kyra,
and I'm not gonna do anything to ruin it.

All right. But I
will tell you this.

Ha-ha.

[snoring]

[snoring continues]

Okay, cheyenne. This is
a tape of you snoring.

[Snoring stops]

[Snoring resumes]

Okay, so like I said, this
is a tape of you snoring.

[Snoring]

[snoring stops]

And, uh, call adamson
tuesday regarding the merger.

What were you doing?
You were taping me snoring.

Aha! So you admit you snore.

Oh, yeah, I snore like
you have a merger, liar.

hey! I'm trying to
do my homework.

It's addition,
okay? It's not easy.

What's the matter? Why are
you guys fighting so much?

- Because she snores.
- Remember what grandma said?

You mean that crazy thing
about not touching wood?

She said that,
after grandpa died,

She never slept good, because
she missed the sound of his snoring.

Yeah, I do remember
her sayin' that.

She is pretty smart for a woman
who kept kleenex in her sleeve.

I'm sorry I snore. Oh, no, no.
Please. I love your snoring.

And don't die. Don't
die! I love you too, van.

Oh, and then when we're
sleeping tonight, together,

I'm gonna get a tape of
you actually snoring,

Because it is the most beautiful
sound in the world to me.

Oh! Okay? And then,
if you do ever die,

I can still get a
good night's sleep.

[Knocking]

Hey. Hey!

- Hey, I was just, uh...
- Fightin' crime?

Oh.

No. Um, centering.

You know, breathin'
in the calm. [Inhales]

Breathing out the
conflict. [Exhales]

Your conflict
could use a tic tac.

Oh.

I'm here for kyra. We're
goin' to the art museum.

Oh, she's not home
yet. But she's not late.

You can't be late in the
daytime. Only at night.

I think that's a
fair rule. Right?

- Your house, your rules.
- "Correctomundo."

And you have to
have rules. Right?

I don't speak spanish, but,
yes, you have to have rules.

You know, even... Even if you
get that face, you know, [grunting]

every time you try to
tell them one, you know,

Y-y-y-y-you still gotta try.

[Laughing, crying]

- Barbra jean, are you all right?
- Oh, reba, I'm losin' it, baby.

I'm goin' around the bend!

Reba, what's the secret?
How did you handle that kid?

- You gotta tell me.
- All right. Listen to me.

Kyra is not a kid. She's a teenager.
Do you know what a teenager is?

A demon?

A bully. What I mean is,

If they know you're
scared, you're dead.

But I am scared.

Of course you're scared.
You're dealin' with a demon.

I know. God.

What it comes down to is this.

You gotta pick
your battles. What?

The parent with the
most rules, they don't win.

You just keep 'em
safe, teach 'em respect,

And, only when you're forced
to, bring the hammer down.

Well, that's it? That's it.

Okay. You owe me 50 bucks.

Oh, hey, mom. Sorry
I'm late. I had a...

- You're not late. The sun's out.
- Meeting with my choir director.

I wanna hear all about it. And I
wanna hear about you-know-who.

[Scoffs] geez. [Laughs]

Kyra, before you go, could you
bring your backpack up to your room?

- Can I do it later?
- Well, that's not the rule.

Hey, you know
what's on tv tonight?

oh, it's that new reality
show called pick your battles.

A lot like survivor.

- Okay. Sure, kyra. You can do it later.
- Okay.

But just so we're clear,

I could have brought
the hammer down.

What? Kyra, maybe we should go.

No. Hang on, mom. What are
you tryin' to do, barbra jean?

are you just showing off
with all this rule stuff?

You know what? I've had
enough. You are totally clueless.

Kyra, you cannot
talk to her like that.

I'm just sick of all
these stupid rules, okay?

I don't care if you make
fun of some half-baked rule,

But you will show some
respect to your stepmother.

What is this? You're taking her
side? No, I'm taking your side...

By not allowing you
to be disrespectful.

Now apologize.
Apologize? No way.

You were rude, so apologize!

My rule! Do it! No.

Then you get your butt upstairs,
young lady, 'cause you're grounded.

What? You can't ground me
here. Only barbra jean can.

And she won't.

Ground her. I'm
sorry. What's that?

It's not gonna happen, mom.

Ground her.

[Grunts]

Kyra, you're... Grounded.

- You're kidding me.
- Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

You heard me. You're
grounded. It's hammer time!

I don't believe this. We can go
to the museum some other day.

No, I don't think we will, mom, 'cause I
like to go to museums with my friends.

Grounded!

And there's plenty more where
that came from, young lady! Ha!

Yeah! [Laughing] [door slams]

Oh, reba, we did it!

[Laughing] oh. Oh.

Oh, reba, I'm sorry
you had to do that.

Looks like you ruined your
new relationship with kyra.

No, that's okay. I don't need
a new relationship with her.

Bein' her buddy
was fun. It was easy.

But you know what?
Fightin' with kyra right then,

That's the first time I felt like
her mother since she moved out.

[Chuckles]

I want to be you so bad.

Everybody does.

acme! [Coughing]