02x20 - The Best Defense

[bunniefuu]

I'm telling you,
mom. We heard it.

Yeah. It was like...
Hee, hee, hee! Thunk!

Hee, hee, hee! Thunk!

Oh, my gosh! There's a monkey
with a peg leg in the kitchen.

But if it's a
burglar, I have this.

Good. I'll run up and get my
pom-pom, and we'll cheer him to death.

Hit him, van, but do not
break my baton. I'm not kidding.

Okay, I'll handle this.

[Shouting] there's no money in the house.
The old lady's divorced. We got jack.

[loud bang]

Oh, for cryin' out loud!
Give me that. No, no, no, no!

[cheyenne] don't...
it's nothing.

It's just that stupid tree branch
banging on the side of the window.

- [Relieved sighs]
- I thought I told you
to trim those.

Yeah, about that. [Chuckles]

I didn't do it.

If you ever wake me up in the middle
of the night again, you better pray...

That there's someone armed and
dangerous in our kitchen. [Choking] okay.

[Laughing] man.

You were really
scared, weren't you?

Yeah. Scared I
might k*ll somebody.

It's okay, honey. It's only
natural. We were all scared.

Yeah, for you,
'cause you're a girl.

But what if a guy like me came
up and grabbed you like this?

What would you...
[Groaning] [karate yells]

Let that be a lesson to you. That's
what you get for not doing your chores.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

So van was gonna scare off a
burglar with cheyenne's baton?

Do you know how
dangerous that is?

Yeah. You're right, brock. What if
the burglar had a slide trombone?

It could've been a
very violent parade.

Dad, it's really great
that you're concerned,

But the noise in the
kitchen was nothing.

Yeah, sure, this time. But what if
next time it's not a tree branch?

What if next time,
it's a big, huge...

Pile of candy?

- Or an ax m*rder*r.
- [Mouthing words]

I meant, a dolphin.

Good mornin'. Mornin', van.

Hey, van, listen,
the judge called.

The tree is guilty, and they're
givin' it the wood chipper.

Leave him alone. He had
every right to be scared.

I wasn't scared. So I wasn't the
first person to rush in the kitchen.

Ever heard of "ladies first"?

Don't worry, van.

You can borrow my
night-light. It's a train.

[Laughing]

- You know what we should get? A g*n.
- What?

We'll keep it in the refrigerator.
That way, when the burglar breaks in,

We can say, "hey, before
you take all our stuff,

How about a nice
tall glass of... Freeze!"

[Yelps] that'd be great!

No. No g*ns. Not
with jake and...

[Imitates g*nsh*t]

No g*ns.

You should get an alarm.

You know what? I
think she's right.

An alarm system is a great idea.

Right. Top-of-the-line.
And brock will pay for it.

Honey, wouldn't you be more
comfortable just settin' my money on fire?

This is no time to
be cheap, brock.

Yeah. It's not like
you're buying a suit.

I'm just sayin' they
always try and stick you...

With these expensive
options that you don't need.

Automatic-dial


How much faster can it be?

Okay. I'll shop around,
try to find a good price.

No, no, no. If I'm
payin', I'll shop around.

[Scoffing] a panic button.

Hey, open the window and scream.

You know, I don't think
we need an alarm system.

Now that I've been through what I've been
through, I'd know what to expect next time.

Yeah. You'd wake me up to go,
"cheyenne, cheyenne! Help me!"

You know what? I let
you do your little move.

But if I came at
you like this... [Yelps]

[Loud thud]

I definitely need to learn that.

Very impressive, huh?

Has our little cheyenne been
to the neighborhood dojo...

To learn the ancient
art of karate?

No. One summer at cheerleading camp,
they made us take a self-defense class.

I was voted most
lethal... And peppiest.

So you took only one class, and
you can take a guy down like that?

There is tons of stuff that
you can do to take down a guy.

- Van, come here. Let me show mom.
- No.

Leave me alone.
Pound on your mother.

Hey, you know what?
A self-defense class...

Would be the perfect thing
for us girls to do together.

Oh, that sounds... Not you.

Yeah, well, thanks for the
quote on the alarm system, but...

[Chuckles] your price
is a little too high.

See, we're tryin'
not to get robbed.

It's your call. You got a
nice house here, a nice family.

But suit yourself.

[Rattles doorknob] oh,
yeah, that oughta hold.

Oh, man. That guy was weird.

I hate a guy whose
favorite expression is...

"Boom. You're a dead man."

I can't believe how much
these guys are charging...

For a couple of motion
detectors and a loud alarm.

You can buy a car
for this kind of money.

And all those burglary
stories he told us.

Doesn't he know any
with a happy ending?

Van. Van, he's just trying to
scare us into spending money.

I pull that stuff all the
time with my dental patients.

I think I'll just install a less
expensive alarm system myself.

Really? Like when you installed
the garage-door opener,

And now we have to crawl
through the window to get in?

And what is that
garage door? Secure.

- Hey, guys. What's up?
- Nothin'. Just, uh,

We menfolk are talkin' about how to protect
you ladies, because you need it. Whoa!

[Murmurs]

[Laughing] gee, van, why don't you just
roll over and show her your belly?

- What'd you say?
- Nothin'.

That's what I thought.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to my body, my fortress.

I am your instructor,
yvette anderson.

Would any of you like to
share with us why you're here?

All right. How about you?

- Oh, me?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, we were just
tryin' to find something...

That we could do
together as a family,

and this is just down the
street from our house.

We've got the real
nice colonial off oak.

- [chuckles nervously]
- we thought we had
an intruder.

Oh, yeah. But actually
it was a tree branch.

Ironically, it was
a birch. [Laughing]

You know, 'cause we're
off oak, and it was a birch.

Mm-hmm. [Laughing]

- Are you a little nervous?
- Yeah, a little bit.

Well, relax. None
of this is difficult.

We'll just cover the basic concepts
for self-defense for women...

The eye gouge, the throat poke,

And the knee snapper.

This'll be great.

After this, we can go
to a bar and pick a fight.

okay, first I need a couple
of volunteers... You two...

To demonstrate my favorite move.

The groin kick.

Oh, kyra, you might
want to pay attention.

This stuff can get
confusing later.

A groin kick? I'm not confused
about either part of that.

What would you
do in that situation?

You with the red hair
and all the talking.

- What?
- What would you do in the
situation I just described?

Uh, knee gouge?

I mean, uh, crotch snapper?

I'm sorry. I guess I
wasn't listening. Mm-hmm.

Then what does
that make her, class?

[All] victim!

Cheyenne? Sorry.
It was a lucky guess.

Okay. I need all of you to select a
pair of gloves and some headgear...

That you'll need
later for sparring.

Oh. We're gonna use this stuff?
I mean, like for hittin' people?

Yes. It's very important
that we have full contact.

We found that the biggest problem
women have in learning self-defense...

Is actually having physical
contact with someone else.

Oh. I guess I
didn't realize that.

Uh, I don't think I can
actually hit someone.

[Chuckling] oh, hi, guys.

Is this your class too? [Laughs]

How did that crotch
snapper go again?

Barbra jean, we just got
started. So I'll catch you up, okay?

So far, we've covered the groin.

[Laughing] kids.

They say the darnedest things.

What are you doin'?

I made it very clear I
didn't want you here.

When? When I told you
I didn't want you here.

Why can't you listen?

Because I'm entitled to take
self-defense classes anywhere I please.

And you're not the boss of me.

I know. If I was your boss, we'd
be sleeping together by now.

Look, reba, I'm
here, and I'm staying.

So why don't we set a
good example for the kids...

- And start out with a hug, okay?
- Oh, get away from me.

No, come on. Stop it!

Very good role-playing.
Okay, class. Class.

The little one is scared,
and she's making that clear.

- But the big one
isn't going away.
- Oh, no, she isn't.

okay, let's pair
off for practice.

All right, kyra, as soon
as I get this baby on,

I'm gonna start wallopin' ya.

I don't have 20 minutes for you to
figure out how to work a chin strap.

I can work a chin strap.

Oh, yea! This is
gonna be so much fun.

It's just like line
dancin', but with violence.

♪♪ [Humming, singing indistinct]

Okay, all right. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Is this the part where
we get to hit someone?

- Yes.
- I call the big one.

Um, miss anderson, I think
my chin strap is broken.

[Whirring]

Okay. All that's left to do...

Is to move this picture over the
hole no one can prove we made.

And we are done.

Which button fires the rockets?

There are no
rockets, not for 89.99.

We didn't even
get a warning sign.

We're gonna have to put
this box on the front lawn.

Come on, van. We've
protected our womenfolk,

And we've saved some dough.

No one can put a price on
safety, but, if they could,

I think they'd want
it to be around 89.99.

Okay. All that's left
to do is to pick the code.

- I wanna pick the code.
- Oh, I don't know, jake.

It's a pretty big
responsibility.

Whoever picks the code has to
promise to never, ever tell anyone.

It's like that time daddy lost you
at the zoo, and we didn't tell mommy.

I won't tell.

Okay. You just punch in your
numbers and press "enter."

Well, we're all set.
You can rest easy, van.

There won't be any trees
breakin' into this house tonight.

[Whirring] all right, mr. H.
That's startin' to bug me.

Everybody keeps sayin' I was
scared when I wasn't scared.

Were you scared?
Yes, I was scared.

But why? I've never
been scared before.

Maybe you've never
been scared before

Because you didn't
have a family to protect.

Of course. Cheyenne
and elizabeth.

If I ran, they wouldn't
be able to keep up.

You know, van,

When I was a kid, I didn't
think I wanted to get married...

Because I didn't want to have
to worry about anyone else.

And then when I did get married,

I wasn't sure I wanted to
have kids for the same reason.

It's a lot to worry about.

Is that why you left?

Aw, come on. [Forced laugh]

You've been giving me grief for
three days now. Thanks, mr. H.

Yeah, my pleasure.
Hey, and listen. Hmm?

Next time you wanna
talk about this stuff,

Why don't you do it with the
other girls at the beauty parlor?

[Beeps] okay, got it.

Okay. Let's test this puppy out.

Ready? Yeah. [alarm shrieking]

[All whooping] hey, it works!

[Shouting over alarm] okay,
jake, what's the code?

You said not to tell!

[Laughing] oh. No.

I told you not to tell
strangers, but I'm your dad.

Tell your dad. Right now!

No way! You lost me at the zoo!

[alarm continues] hey!
Jake! Get him, van! Get him!

Okay. I think it's
time for sparring.

Oh. Oh, this is
gonna be so great.

You may not believe
this, but, in my life,

People have made me the
target of their cruel taunts.

Well, maybe it's because you
don't know how to take a hint.

Or maybe it's because you're pokin'
your nose in where you're not welcome.

No, I don't think that was it.

After my growth spurt
in second grade... [Scoffs]

All the tiny girls
called me "blonde-zilla."

I can still hear 'em.
"Hey, blonde-zilla,

Why don't you go tip
over a bread truck?" Ha ha!

[Laughing] a bread truck?

Those tiny little
ol' girls are funny.

Oh, this is gonna be so good.

I can finally work out some of my
frustrations that I've kept inside...

From all the people that
have picked on me... Ow!

Miss anderson. Reba hit me.

- Did you hit her?
- No.

Yes, she did.

I think someone
needs a time-out.

Well, I appreciate
your enthusiasm,

But please wait
until I give the signal.

Got it. Ow!

That's for bein' a tattletale.

You are being very immature.

I'm goin' to wait until
the instructor... Ow!

You go ahead and wait, 'cause
I'm havin' fun. Miss anderson?

Miss anderson, can we start yet?

Go. Yeah! All right!

All right. Come on. [Groaning]

Get up, barbra jean! Get up! No.
Stay down, barbra jean! Stay down!

Barbra... Jean... Booker...

Does not stay down.

You wanna dance, cowgirl?

Let's dance. Yeah!
Huh! Over here!

Yeah! Hey, reba!

Can you smell what barbra
jean is cookin'? Huh? Ow!

Look at all the pretty colors.

Shake it off. You got another
one comin', blonde-zilla.

- What did you call me?
- You heard me, blonde-zilla.

[Grunts, whooping] [groaning]

Okay. That's enough sparring.

Oh, really? That's enough?
Oh, then, if it's over,

How come you keep
hitting yourself, reba?

huh? How come you
keep hitting... Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Leave me alone!

Oh, yeah? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Oh. Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah!

Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. [Growls]

Where you goin', reba?
The action's over here!

[Growling]

What are you
lookin' at, tiny girl?

Get her off of me! Stop it!

I'm gonna stop this.
Cheyenne, it's too late.

There's fights breaking out
all over the place. Wh-where?

A little tougher than van, huh?

Oh, you want to see tough?
Yeah. I wanna see tough.

that is for my dollhouse. And
that is for my favorite dress.

And that? Well,
that's just for fun.

I think I made
my point. [Scoffs]

[Both out of breath, whimpering]

Okay. Time's up.
Everyone stop sparring.

I'm glad that's over.

I wanna go home.

[Sighs] [moans]

I didn't know it would
feel so bad to win a fight.

You didn't win. I won.

You can't actually win
unless you make someone cry.

Like I did with cheyenne.
You did not make me cry.

You hit me in the nose. Your
eyes water automatically.

Oh! No, no, no, no.

I got ya. Ow!

[Laughing] ah!

You know the weird thing? I
feel closer to you, barbra jean.

I might actually look
forward to seeing you...

If I could pound on
your head once in a while.

You know, you're not the
first person to say that to me.

I feel closer to you too,
kyra. Me too. It'll pass.

Hey, you wanna go
pick on van with me?

Sure. You hold him down,
and I'll give him a wedgie. Sweet.

Wow. It's amazing how
well we're all gettin' along.

I wonder if that's why guys are
always punchin' on each other.

I think it'd be cool to
be a guy... Or a giraffe.

No. Eagle. Eagle'd be coolest.

Either stop talkin' or
get in punchin' range.

What is this?

Oh, I guess the guys
put up the alarm system.

- Yep. There it is.
- You know what'd be
even cooler? A tiger.

A tiger with an eagle head.

We could call it a "teagle."

[alarm shrieking] you know what
would even be better than a teagle?

you get like a tiger, and it had like
a giraffe neck with an eagle head.

[alarm continues] so it would
have like a really long neck.

acme! [Coughing]