02x18 - And the Grammy Goes To...

[bunniefuu]

[doorbell rings]

Grammy's here! I get presents!

- Hi, jakey.
- You're not a present.

Yeah, you're
more like junk mail.

- Is brock's mom here yet?
- Why? Are you scared?

'Cause you should be.

I'm just so nervous
about grammy liz's visit.

I mean, she's just so critical.

She's not critical. She's
mean. Junkyard dog mean.

Well, how'd you
learn to deal with her?

I divorced brock. But
don't take that. That's mine.

What are you doing? You
know she hates a mess.

Not as much as she hates
my old, ratty bathrobe.

But this is like pokin'
her with a stick.

Then she's gonna get all riled up, and
then she's gonna come over to my house.

Hey, put that back.

No, I'm cleaning up. If you're going
down, you're going down alone, sister.

Gimme that back. No, you'll never
get it back. I'm bigger than you.

Give it to me. No.

Giddy, giddy, giddy, giddy.

You have lost your mind.

Your fear of brock's mom has
finally pushed you over the edge.

I want her to get mad. I want her
to make her snide little comments...

That I've had to put up
for the last 20 years.

Oh. Ow.

See, I'm not related
to her anymore.

Now when she comes in
here and says, "gee, reba,

How long has your vacuum
cleaner been broken?"

I can say, "shut up!
That's how long."

[knocking] [reba laughs]

All right. Pay attention.

You're gonna be wantin' to
tell this story one of these days.

- Reba.
- Grammy liz.

You look wonderful.

Really?

I didn't do my hair, and I've been wearing
this old, ratty bathrobe for a month.

Only you can pull it off.

Okay, then.

I've been so looking
forward to seein' everybody.

And then there's you.

How are you, barbra ann?

It's-it's good to see
you, mom. [Chuckles]

Mrs. Hart. [Chuckles] ma'am.

And, uh, actually my
name, it's barbra jean.

Then why'd you tell me it was barbra
ann? Are you trying to make me look stupid?

[Gasps] i...

[Gasping]

Sorry I didn't have time to clean
up for you. I hope you don't mind.

I don't. I like the lived-in look.
Did I hug you yet? Come here.

[Mouthing words]

My house is a pigsty.

Is she a well woman?

Reba, I don't understand it.

Why is she being nice to you
and still being mean to me?

I don't know. She's found
a way to treat you badly...

And make it unenjoyable for me.

She's very good. Yeah.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

What is it?

It's a dickey.

It's for when you want the look of
a turtleneck without the extra heat.

Do I have to wear it?

Only while I'm in town.

Okay. But I'm not
calling it a dickey.

[Clears throat] you know,
um, I've always felt...

That the dickey was an
underappreciated garment.

You know what else
is underappreciated?

The muzzle.

Now, this is for you, kyra-nut.

Me? What did I do?

I saw this in the
window at murphy's,

And I said to
myself, "that is kyra."

It's perfect. I'll wear it
thursday to my bridge game.

Kyra, don't be rude.
Say thank you to grammy.

Now, why would she
do that, barbra lynn?

If she doesn't like
it, she doesn't like it.

You think it's a good idea to
teach children to be dishonest?

- No.
- So you prefer they be rude?

No.

I... [Squeaking]

Boy, I wonder how long reba's
vacuum cleaner's been broken.

[barbra jean laughs]

Thanks, grammy. I'm gonna go see if
jake wants to trade for his dickey.

I made muffins. Ooh.

Hope they're not too overcooked.

Reba, those look horrible.

You must be the worst
cook in the world.

Why do you let that
woman talk to you like that?

Because I value her
opinion. Her honest opinion.

Really? 'Cause usually
you just tell me to shut up.

Shut up, barbra jean.

Hello. We're back.

[cheyenne laughs] oh. And
you brought the baby.

Yeah. Isn't she precious.

I can't believe you're finally
getting to meet her. Oh. She is perfect.

Mm-hmm. You know, it was
my idea to name her after you.

Then why didn't you?

What?

My given name is eliza.
Liz is short for eliza.

Well, yeah. That's
her name. Eliza... Beth.

grammy, stop it. Van,
she's lying to you.

[Liz laughs] that's what
she does. Isn't she great?

Yeah. My grandma used to
knit, but, hey, lying's cool too.

What'd your parents think about
you naming your child after me?

Uh, don't know. We don't really
talk to my father anymore. No biggie.

His dad thinks van and I ruined
his life by getting married. Dada. Da.

I guess in every marriage
there's that one in-law...

That's critical and annoying
and emotionally dead. Muffin?

[elizabeth cries]

[Indistinct] it's time for
elizabeth to take a nap.

- Grammy, are you gonna
be here for a while?
- All afternoon.

And then she gets to
come stay with us. [Laughs]

Lucky, lucky us.

Van, take eliza beth upstairs.
I'm gonna go get a bottle.

All right. Come
on, grammy junior.

[knocking]

- Mom!
- Hi, honey. Did you wipe your
feet before you came in?

[Chuckles] no, it's okay.
My shoes are clean.

Is that back talk?

Now come here and give me a hug.

[Laughs] oh, mom. Oh.

How the heck are
you? Oh, I'm well, dear.

A little headache, of course,
with your wife being so loud.

yeah, you know, I know.

My whole life I've been the
gal with the big booming voice.

Boom boom. That's me.

Hey, boom boom. Zip zip.

Mom, I can't wait
for you to see henry.

I told the sitter to
let him sleep an extra

Long time so he'll be
in a good mood for you.

Oh, yes. I understand you have
a stranger taking care of him.

All right. Wait just
a dad-blame minute.

You can say a lot of bad
things about barbra jean,

But she is not a bad mom.

Sure, she laughs like a horse and
doesn't have the sense god gave paste,

But she is a good mother.

Are you through? Are you mad?

Yes. Then I'm through.

I'm mad at myself.

What? I crossed a line.

You are a good friend, reba.

[Huffing]

[Grunting]

Something bothering you, mom?

It's your grandmother. Is
she picking on you again?

Worse. She's being nice.

For 20 years that woman has
tortured me, and I couldn't fight back.

And now that I can, she
won't throw the first punch.

Hey, has she said anything
bad about me behind my back?

Why does she have
to criticize you first?

Why don't you just
tell her how you feel?

Because then I'd be pickin' a fight.
Mom always said that was wrong.

I guess I'm gonna have to keep
chumming' the waters till she strikes.

Isn't that picking a fight?
You want a piece of me?

No.

Look, mom, I know this is
weird. I love grammy liz,

But I have no idea why you
put up with her for this long.

She may be an awful,
judgmental pain in the butt,

But she's a sweet old
grandma to you kids.

I had to be nice so
she'd keep comin' around.

Bad news, ma. You still
gotta be nice to her for jake.

Are you kiddin'? She gave the
boy a dickey. He's on my side.

Mom, did I tell you we got a new dental
chair for my office? Not now, honey.

That's right, brock. We need to
concentrate. That's the key to this...

Oh, all right. Yeah, you got me.

You got me there. But when I
was younger, my older sister...

[Laughs] you know, when we
played, we used to say, "go."

You said what, hon? Go! Aaah.

- Did I miss anything?
- No, we were just talking
about my new dental chair.

Okay, mom. Barbra jean and I have
to go. We gotta get the babysitter.

Lucky for you. Because I was
just about to make my big come...

I'm sorry, barbra jean. I
promise I'll make it up to you.

Okay, mom. I'll be back
to pick you up for dinner.

Well, it looks like
it's just the two of us.

I have missed you.

- What's wrong with you?
- What?

What's wrong with you? Why
have you suddenly started likin' me?

I've always liked you. [Scoffs]
you ran over my foot once.

Oh, I was teasin'.

Like you were teasin'
barbra jean just now?

I don't wanna talk about her. She's not
gonna be around that much longer anyway.

What are you talking about?

What would you say if I told you
brock was in love with somebody else?

You mean other than himself?

I'm serious. He told me.

I'd say I don't believe
in spreadin' gossip.

So after you give me the
name, it all stops here.

He's in love with you.

[Laughs] what?

You're saying brock's...

How... What?

The person he is
in love with is you.

She's very, very good.

Brock's not still
in love with me.

What's your game, old lady?

It's not a game. My gosh,
reba. You must've suspected.

Oh, yeah, you're right. I knew
he was still in love with me...

When he came over and
showed me his new baby.

Nevertheless, you two have the
best divorce of any couple I know.

Oh, yeah. It's the kind
little girls dream of.

In case you hadn't noticed,
brock is married to barbra jean.

He would leave her for
you in a red hot second.

I will not be the other
woman to the other woman.

That's just weird.

When you two separated, it wasn't
because you didn't love each other.

It's 'cause brock was
having a midlife crisis.

He was vulnerable, and that's when
he was stolen away by barbra ella.

He wants you back, reba.

[Chuckles] there is no chance
of that ever happening.

Not even if hell froze over,

Thawed, froze over
again, thawed, froze ov...

Do you get my point?

Okay, you're a
little overwhelmed.

I'm gonna give you some
time to think about it.

I don't need time.

Turn your hearing aid
up for this one. No chance!

Reba, don't you think it was a
mistake for brock to marry barbra jim?

It doesn't matter what I think.

Brock married her.
He must love her.

Do you think that brock
is basically a sane person?

I don't know. Does sanity come
from the father or the mother?

Answer the question. Yes,
I think basically he's sane.

Okay. Listen close.

Would any sane person
choose that woman over you?

- Hey, honey. What are you doin'?
- Oh, just writin'
in my training journal.

Then I bet you that
this will feel good.

Ahhh, that is it right there.

[Chuckles] yeah.
A little bit left.

Okay. Up, up, up.

There it is. The head. Oh.

Ahhh, the head is good.

Van, I think that we should
make peace with your dad.

Stop!

Cheyenne, you can't rub a guy's head
and then start talking about his dad.

Van, it's time that you
end this thing with him.

My mom put up with grammy
liz for 18 years because of me.

- I think we should do
the same for elizabeth.
- Yeah, but this is different.

Grammy liz didn't
disown your mom because

She threw her life away
on some cheerleader.

He said I was a cheerleader?
I was on drill team.

Would it k*ll him to know
the difference? good.

Good, good. You're
getting mad at him again.

No, no. I'm just really sick of people
not giving me credit for my work.

Van, I know your dad hurt you.

Whoa, whoa. [Chuckles]
he didn't hurt me.

You can't hurt steel.

Okay, first of all, fix your
hair, 'cause everything I tell you,

It looks like you're surprised.

- And he did hurt you.
- Fine, he hurt me. So what?

I swallowed that hurt, just
like I swallow everything else.

All that pain is just
sittin' in my stomach,

Like a big, black ball
of rage and anger.

They don't have a rolaids
for that, cheyenne.

Van, you are big
enough of a person...

To get over what he did to you.

Right. To me.
But I don't know...

If I'm a big enough person to get
over what he did to you and elizabeth.

We'd be doing
this for elizabeth.

Look, we cannot let
this big, black anger-ball

Get in the way of
elizabeth's happiness.

But that's what parents do.

They get in the way of
their child's happiness.

That way the kids have someone
to blame their problems on.

We're doing her a favor. Van.

You know deep down
inside that elizabeth...

Should have a relationship
with her grandparents.

All of her grandparents.

This is a lot to think
about, cheyenne. Mmm.

And you know I hate
to think a lot. I know.

[Murmurs]

[knocking] hey, reba.
Where's my mother?

Don't worry about that.
We need to talk. No, we don't.

Not with that tone of
voice. Sit down, brock.

You want somethin'
to drink? No, thanks.

You sure? Don't make a snap
decision you might regret.

For once in your life, think
long-term. Think about the future.

Well, I was only gonna stay a
minute, but I guess I could go a snapple.

I can give you a snapple, brock,

But that's all I can give you.

Do you understand
what I'm sayin'?

If you only have
the one, I'll pass.

Your mother told me your secret.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Uh, which... Which one?

The big one. The one where you
said you're still in love with me.

[Chuckles] did she now? Yeah.

My mother. God rest her soul.

Brock, it's over. Reba...

Look, I understand you're a man.

You're weak. Did you cry
when you finally let it out?

Yeah, okay. Okay. I
did say I loved you,

But that was two years
ago, during the divorce,

And as a person I share a history
with, as the mother of my children.

Not the way I love barbra
jean. Do you get the difference?

Never mind, then. So,
you want a snapple?

Just hold on a second.

So, you've been sittin' here...

Thinking that I'm, like,
what... Madly in love with you?

Nobody ever mentioned "madly,"
brock. That never came up.

It will when I tell
the story. [Laughs]

It was great seein' you all.

Next time you have to come to my house.
There's too much drama around here.

Bye, grammy. Thanks
again for the bib.

You're welcome, honey.

- Kyra, why is he
wearing it like that?
- I told him to.

I consider it your
real gift to me.

Bye, honey. Bye, grammy.

And cheyenne. [Chuckles]

I can't tell you how much it meant to
me that you named elizabeth after me.

Well, we actually didn't
name elizabeth after you.

Van wanted to name her elizabeth
so she'd be elizabeth montgomery.

You know, after that
cool lady on bewitched.

- Okay, mom. Time to go.
- I want a minute
to talk to reba.

I don't like it when
you talk to reba.

It's never good
when you talk to reba.

Don't make me come over there.

Treats me like I'm five.

I'm not five. I'm
way more than five.

Reba, I wasn't trying
to cause problems.

I was trying to make up for some
of the ones I caused in the past.

I guess I've always felt partly
responsible for you and brock breaking up.

Don't give yourself
too much credit.

I do blame you
for a lot of things.

Hurricanes, tornadoes, discos.

That sort of thing. But
not breaking up my marriage.

All marriages go
through some hard times.

I guess I was just
worried that my criticism

Might have driven a
wedge between you.

So, this guilt thing's
really buggin' you.

I could learn to enjoy that.

I just wanted what I
thought was best for my son.

What's best for him is for you
to quit interfering in his life.

He's a big boy
now. He's not five.

He's way more than five.

Thank you for your advice. You've
always been good with advice.

Guess that's the benefit
of making so many mistakes.

All right. All right.

Let's go. About time somebody
put you in your place.

Gotta warn you though. I'm a
little quicker than barbra j...

[Grunts]

She's very good.

[Sighs]

Hey.

acme! [Coughing]