01x17 - He's Having a Baby

[bunniefuu]

cheyenne. Van, come on. Your
birthing class starts in 15 minutes.

You wanna get there early
so you can have time to relax.

Move it!

Mom, van's trying
to weenie out on me.

Little late for that, isn't it?

Why don't you wanna
go to the class?

I'm already taking basic
math and weight lifting.

Another tough class
could really mess up my g.p.a.

They don't grade in this class.

Oh, yeah. That's what my counselor
said when he tricked me into taking math.

Come on, van. This is
right up your alley.

Free food and
pictures of naked ladies.

You have to go. I'm gonna be
counting on you in the delivery room.

But, I'm not even
sure I belong there.

I mean, what if I faint? Or
throw up? Gross. You better not.

He'll do just fine. When have you
ever known van to waste food?

I just don't see why I'm
the one who has to go.

[Forced chuckle]
because you did this.

Cheer up, van. You're gonna
love this class. It's gonna be fun.

[Woman] no moment in the
birth process is as miraculous...

As when the baby's
head first appears.

Cool!

Ew!

♪♪ [country]

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands and
the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Oh, there you are, kyra. That
was the day you were born.

Why do I look like a conehead?

You get that from
your father's side.

- Hey. How was childbirth class?
- It rocked!

You wouldn't believe
what a female body can do.

Remind me. It's been a while.

First, there's this
thing called a cervix.

It's right where...
We know, van.

No, let him go. I'm dying
to see where his is.

Unfortunately, I don't have one.

But if I did, it would
start out this size.

And by the time the baby's
ready to come out... It's this big!

Hello, mommy.

Stop it. Ooh, mommy's mad.

Don't make her come
in there and get you.

Can we stop talking
about childbirth, please?

Just take the drugs, honey.

- How was your game, jake?
- Great. I only gave up


Oh, that's wonderful, honey.

Obviously, neither one of you
fully understand the game of soccer.

Hello, brock. I never
congratulated you on your wedding.

Just wanted to make
sure you knew that.

What's that sound? Oh, it's
your last husband still a'runnin'.

Where you going?

Oh, b.j. And I were settin' up the nursery.
I thought I'd pick up the old crib.

Crib? Wait a minute.
You wanna take our crib?

The one our three children
slept in? It's in the garage, right?

Kyra? Jake? Could you give
me a moment with your father?

It is so cute that they
know when to get lost.

It's too bad you don't.

I was saving that crib
for our grandchild.

Well, cheyenne doesn't
want it, and I built it.

Cheyenne, can you come
in here for a second?

Hey. Honey, don't you wanna
use your crib for the baby?

I don't know. I mean, it's all old and
it's getting all dusty in the garage.

But, if you want me
to... No. It's up to you.

Okay. Nah.

Oh. Hey, coach, did you
ever take childbirth classes?

Oh, you don't need those. The
doctors and nurses do all the work.

Yes, I have so many wonderful pictures of
me being comforted by orderly number two.

You know, our instructor
said that a good coach...

Makes a huge difference
in the delivery room.

Trust me, the only thing
for the father to do...

Is jiggle the coins in his
pocket and smile like an idiot.

I bet you're good at that.

Van is enjoying his class.

He knows that
watching the birth of his

Child is gonna be the
highlight of his life.

Unlike you, he understands
that childbirth is a miracle.

Oh, I know. I've been
through three miracles.

You do remember that during miracle
number three you were on the 18th hole?

Of course I remember.
I birdied that hole.

Just do me a favor...

Van's excited about seeing his
daughter coming into the world.

Try not to squash that. Hey,
I'm as sensitive as the next guy.

So, the crib? Just take it.

Don't you ever just
wanna haul off and hit him?

- What good would that do?
- It would hurt him.

Aw, that stuff doesn't
bother me anymore.

He wants to use your
crib for his demon spawn.

Well, you heard cheyenne.
She doesn't want the crib.

Honey, this isn't about
cheyenne. This is about you.

You keep holding it in,
somebody's gonna get hurt.

I just hope it's brock
and I am there to see it.

Okay. I'm off to my birthing
class. Forgetting anything, sport?

Three pillows.
Stopwatch. Birthing manual.

I'll give you a little hint.

Cheyenne, hurry up!
I don't wanna be late.

I have been studying. I
wanna be a great coach.

- Go ahead, ask me
what the afterbirth is.
- Okay. What's the afterbirth?

When everybody congratulates
me and I pass out cigars.

Actually, that was a joke.

No. The afterbirth is when the
placenta is expelled from the uterus.

I'm done. Cheyenne. Come on!

Hey, if we're late, we're
gonna end up with the bad mat.

Van, I'm not going. You're
supposed to call me coach.

Coach, I'm not going.

I have a huge paper due
tomorrow. I forgot all about it.

But what about our
birthing class? I'm sorry.

You know, I should go
study for my test. I... Wait.

I thought you had a paper due?

Yeah. It's-it's, um,
it's a test paper.

You know, a take-home test
paper. I should get started.

Oh, man.

What's wrong? Well, cheyenne's
got a paper due and can't go.

How does everyone else juggle
high school and birthing classes?

They don't start juggling
till after high school.

The teacher was gonna pass
out real rubber babies today.

Well, you can still go. You
can take notes for cheyenne.

No. A coach without a mommy's just
stupid. I guess I'll miss the class too.

- Okay.
- Unless...

Will you be my mommy?

Okay. Mommies and coaches,
please find a comfortable spot.

Didn't you have a
different mommy last time?

His mommy's got a paper
due. I'm his mommy's mommy.

- Well, welcome.
- Thank you.

Excuse me. [Together]
what are you doing here?

Oh, reba. What a treat.

You're not pregnant, are you?

No, I'm still looking for
the right married man. Right.

I'm standing in for cheyenne.
What's your excuse?

Do I need an excuse to
come to child-birthing class?

Well, you've got plenty of
excuses for getting out of it.

Um, you all know each other?

It's a long and painful story
for which I received no epidural.

Okay. Um, let's begin.

Coaches, grab a
baby from the baby bin.

[Exhales]

Mrs. H., I know this
is a little awkward.

No, it's not awkward.
Get down there.

No, no. You see, the way it works
is the mommy lies down on the mat.

Van, I've already been
to the mat three times.

Now, get down there and
try to remember everything...

Because you're gonna be the one
telling cheyenne about it later.

I hope none of my friends see me like
this. Nobody's gonna make fun of you.

Hey, look at van.
He's the mom. [Laughing]

Which is great.

First, we're going to begin with
some deep, cleansing breaths.

[Breathes deeply] you will use these
during the beginning stages of labor...

to help you through the pain.

Now, as you transition to
your... [Rapid breaths] breaths,

you're going to feel the
contractions quicken...

and the pain intensify.
[breathing rapidly]

Easy, van. Pace yourself.

Visualize your
cervix stretching,

stretching and stretching...

as you push the baby
through your birth canal.

[Cries out]

[Exhales] man, being
the girl's hard.

No picnic being the man either.

So you've been through
childbirth before?

Three times a
papa. I've seen it all.

Well, since you're
obviously the veteran here,

Why don't you share some
of your experience with us?

- Well, all right. I will.
- This oughta be rich.

You know, I have to
be honest with you all,

I-i didn't take classes
for my first three kids.

But when I was putting together
the new baby's crib today,

It dawned on me how lucky I am.

Because I have another
chance to do this right.

Watching the birth of this child
is gonna be the highlight of my life.

I want you to know,
sweetheart, I'll be there for you.

I'm not gonna miss a
second of this miracle.

thank you. Thanks.

[Grunts]

[lori ann] show me
how you hit brock.

Did you hit him with the uppercut
or right hook or a sucker punch?

Please tell me you
sucker-punched him.

Well, it was sort
of like a combination

Between a baseball and
a wood-chopping swing.

Whack! Oh, it felt great!

Boy, now I can see why people get
in the ring and pound on each other.

It was exhilarating!

Boy, if brock was standing right
there, I'd hit him again. You hit daddy?

Jake. Honey, what are you
doing up? Shouldn't you be in bed?

It's 5:30. You hit daddy?

Oh, sweetie.
Hitting's... Hitting's bad.

Uh, we don't hit
in this family. Uh...

Honey, run and go
get your pajamas on.

I know it's not dark
now, but it soon will be.

Oh, my god. I hit the
father of my children.

- I used a baby
as a weapon.
- You go with what you got.

I've never hit anybody
before. That's not my style.

I'm the one that's
always in control.

You only hit him
once. That's control.

I've got to apologize.
Why would you do that?

Because what I did was wrong.
Of course you were wrong,

But you never, ever admit it.

Hello, barbra jean.
Is brock there?

I don't wanna talk to you.

Well, that's fine. I don't wanna talk
to you either. I wanna talk to brock.

Well, you can't.
He's in the hospital.

- Brock's in the hospital.
- You sure know how
to swing a baby.

Oh, my god, marissa. This is
it. I love it. This is the color.

"Champink." [keys
rattling in lock]

Oh, gotta go. [Beeps off]

Oh, hi, van. I didn't
even hear you drive up.

I'm just so busy
working on my paper.

You will never believe
what happened in class.

Oh, van, I really can't talk right
now. I'm up to here with my paper.

- Your mom hit your dad.
- Tell me everything.

She coldcocked him with one of our
practice babies. His head almost fell off.

The baby's, not your dad's.

Oh, my god. Is dad okay?
Oh, he's fine. He's fine.

He used the pain-management breathing
technique. All the moms were impressed.

That's unbelievable. I would've gone if
I'd known it was gonna be that interesting.

What about your test paper?

Well, I mean, if i... If I didn't
have a paper, which-which I do.

You know, tonight's class
really opened my eyes.

Lying there on the mat
with my knees up by my ears,

Waiting for my cervix to dilate,

I just couldn't help thinking,

"I am so glad I
don't have a cervix."

Cheyenne, you're amazing. I am?

Yeah. Well, not
yet. But you will be.

I mean, we saw
more movies tonight,

And every time a baby came out
of somebody, I thought, "wow!

Cheyenne's gonna be doing that,"
and I'm gonna be with you... Okay...

Every step of the way holding
your hand through the pain...

And the sweat and the screaming.

Great. Thanks, honey. No.

[Loud kiss] thank you.

- [man] so what are you in for?
- it's been quite a day.

First, I get beat up in
birthing class by my ex-wife.

Then, I'm carrying the crib into the
baby's room with my current wife,

She drops the dang
thing on my toe.

Don't-don't make me
laugh. Don't make me laugh.

I just got my stomach
stapled last week.

So which wife are
you in here for?

The crib dropper.
Oh, here she is now.

Hey, sweetie. I found the
insurance stuff in the condo,

And I just finished
filling out all the forms.

I love writing "mrs.
Dr. Brock hart."

Honey, can you find out
what's taking so long?

They were supposed to x-ray my
toe an hour ago. I already asked.

They said toes get low priority.

Oh, I feel so terrible
about what I did.

Is there anything else I can
do for ya? Are you hungry?

- Fred, you want a pizza?
- Okay, that's not funny.

Extra cheese for me and
get fred a juice. Right away.

Oh, and honey, I'm kind of
cold. Could you cover me up?

Oh, yeah, you bet, sweetie.

Okay. [Grunts]

And, uh, fluff my
pillow. I'm on it. Stat.

Pizza, sweetie? Sorry. I'm gone.

Man, you are really working her.

Hey, my foot hurts.

How's the fake paper going?

Do you know
everything? Pretty much.

You're really freaked out
about this baby thing, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm freaked out. Wouldn't
you? What if I'm not ready?

What if I'm never ready? I
mean, what if I don't have it in me?

Oh. It's in you.

Cheyenne, let me
tell you a little story.

Have you ever heard of
the lenni-lenape indians?

Yes.

Anyway. There was a
lenni-lenape woman named moonka.

One night, she wandered away
from her tribe in search of water.

- As she squatted by a stream...
- I hate the word squat.

Stay with me. As she squatted by a
stream, she suddenly went into labor.

So, alone in the woods, she
delivered her baby all by herself.

- And do you know who
that baby is today?
- Who?

- Cher.
- Really?

- No. I made
the whole thing up.
- Then who was it?

The point is, your body
already knows how to give birth.

You can stop worrying.
Everything's gonna work out.

You really think so? If you have
one ounce of mom in you, you'll do fine.

Thanks, kyra. Cher. [Scoffs]

Fred, you already had your
x-rays. Why don't you go on home?

- When you're done.
- Brock, are you all right?

B.j. Told me you were in the hospital.
I can't believe I hit you that hard.

So you're not mad at me anymore?

Of course not. I feel terrible.
So, what'd I do, crack a rib?

Well, I don't know. They
haven't done the x-rays yet.

- Wait. I thought you said they're gonna...
- Go home, fred.

Hey there, cutie. In about six weeks,
I'm gonna be a hundred pounds lighter.

Maybe you and I
could... Go home, fred.

I don't know why
I snapped today.

It's just that the last place I
expected to see you was in that class.

Well, I'm definitely
regretting that decision.

When I saw you standin' in
front of all those people...

Pledging to be a good
husband and a good father,

I just kept thinking, "where was
that guy when we were married?"

What were we, your
practice family?

Oh look, reba. I
know I made mistakes.

That's why I wanna be
better this time around.

But I know that that
just makes things worse

For you and I feel
terrible about that.

I repeat, where was that
guy when we were married?

Hey, if I knew how to fix this, I
would. But I don't know what to do.

Tell me what to do.
What am I supposed to say?

I can't tell you not to be a
better father to your new child.

I can't tell you to be a lousy
husband to barbra jean...

No matter how much I'd like to.

That's what's so
frustrating about all this.

And I can't tell you
not to be a better man.

But you've got to quit
rubbing my nose in it.

You're right.

I was a real jerk for saying
those things in front of you.

Heck, I deserved to be hit.

Dad-blame your hide.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I hurt ya.

[Cries out]

This is why you're in here?

Not because of me?

Barbra jean dropped the
crib on my toe. Unbelievable.

Just when I think you're becoming a
better man, you pull something like this.

Ohh! Where is a plastic
baby when you need one?

[Cries out]