01x11 - Meet the Parents

[bunniefuu]

Great, daddy. Okay,
see you friday night.

Oh, and if you hit any
armadillos this time?

Don't feel like you
have to show me.

Hey, guess what!

Meemaw and grandpa are driving down
from muleshoe to spend the weekend with us.

Cool. Great!

They're stoppin' by on
their way to the valley.

They're goin' dove huntin'
for their 46th anniversary.

How romantic to celebrate
a long, happy marriage...

By k*lling birds.

This is the first time your
grandparents have come down...

Since your father moved out,

So I want everybody to
be on your best behavior

To show 'em how well
we're getting along.

- In other words, lie.
- Yeah.

Cheyenne, meemaw and grandpa
will be sleeping in your room.

Where are we supposed to sleep?

You and van, take kyra's room.
Kyra, you can bunk with me.

No way are those sex
maniacs sleeping in my room.

Put 'em in jake's room.

I don't want maniacs in my room.

And while my parents are here,
there will be no arguing, complaining...

Or talk of sex.

What's left?

Hey, jakey left his
backpack at the condo.

Glad you're here. Mama and daddy
are coming to visit this weekend.

- J.v. And helen are coming?
- You know my parents' names?

Of course! Your family is brock's
family, and brock's family is...

My family.

Yeah, don't worry.
We'll stay clear.

I'm sure that j.v. And helen are
none too thrilled with me right now.

Why?

Brock, mama and daddy
have known you for 20 years.

If you don't show up, they're gonna
think something's wrong with this family.

Hello!

Stop by around 11:30,

But be brief.

- And come alone.
- Who would we bring?

♪♪ [country]

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands and
the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

What if your
grandparents don't like me?

Oh, why wouldn't they like you?

You're pregnant. I'm your husband.
They're gonna put two and two together.

[doorbell rings]

They're here!

Nice, happy family, just
like we rehearsed it, okay?

Oh! Oh, ma!

Honey, you look
terrific! Thanks.

Why aren't you wearing the blouse
that I sent you? Don't you like it?

Oh, I love it! I'm gonna wear it tomorrow
so you can see me wear it all day long.

Come here, my
sweet, little baby girl!

Oh, daddy, nothin' takes me home like
the smell of old spice and gunpowder.

Hi, grandpa. Hey, partner!

Did you bring me
something? Why, I sure did.

Wow! A real knife!

Thanks, daddy. I'll put it with
the .22 you gave him for christmas.

Oh, look at you! Well,
you've got boobs!

Aren't they great? Yeah!

Hi, meemaw. Oh, cheyenne, honey.

Let me look at you.

You are glowing!

I'm sorry.

Hey! Hi, grandpa.

Ain't you gonna introduce
us to your feller? Oh!

Grandpa, meemaw,
this is my husband, van.

- Heard a lot about you, son.
- I'm sorry.

Van's a little nervous about
meetin' y'all, under the circumstances.

Oh, hoo-ha! Listen, j.v. And I
were 19 when we got married.

It's not your age that matters.

It's the amount of
work that you put into it.

There is no greater achievement in
life than a long and happy marriage.

Oh, I'm sorry, reba.

I'm fine, mama.

Y'all come on up. You two are
gonna be sleeping in cheyenne's room.

- Oh, we don't wanna
put the kids out.
- It's no trouble.

Cheyenne's in with
kyra, and van's with jake.

And you're all alone.

I'm fine, mama. Sure you are.

Well, for heaven's sake, reba.
No wonder she got pregnant.

You let 'em put these
two beds together.

Mama, they didn't push the beds
together until after they were married.

Honey, I love you, but you are
walkin' around with blinders on.

I got a special lunch planned
tomorrow to celebrate your anniversary.

- We don't want to
put you to any trouble.
- I do. What are you making?

Fried chicken, mashed
potatoes and green beans.

Whoo! Have I told you
you're my favorite?

- Hey. We just need
to grab our pajamas.
- Which we sleep in every night.

Well, I'm gonna go
hit the showers.

I hope you still have that
fancy little sponge on a stick.

- What sponge on a stick?
- You old fool.

I told you, that is
the toilet brush.

I better go take it out of the
bathroom before he gets in there.

Oh, cheyenne, van. Come over
here. I brought you something.

- Oh, meemaw,
you didn't have to do that.
- Well, I sure did.

You're my first grandbaby
to get married. Oh.

Your grandfather gave this
to me on our third anniversary.

See, when we got married, we
couldn't afford a diamond ring,

So he bought me one three years
later and gave it to me in this locket.

Oh, my god! Is there a
diamond ring in here?

No, of course not! I
mean, it's beautiful.

I know when you start out a marriage young,
you don't have a whole heck of a lot,

So you gotta make
what you do have special.

Thank you. Yes, darling.

I just hope the two of you are
gonna be as happy together...

As I have been with your
granddaddy for the last 46 years.

Now, give me a hand. Let's
push these two beds apart.

[Sighs] well, I just finished
sweeping the porch.

you swept the porch?

I made the mistake of looking
bored in front of meemaw.

Uh, well, no time to chitchat.

Busy, busy, busy!

Oh, mama. I'm wearing
the shirt you bought me.

Mmm, maybe I should've
got that in another color.

Is that all the chicken you
made? You don't think it's enough?

Well, you know me. I don't
believe in skimping on portions.

Like I always say, "if you want to
keep your man happy, keep him full."

Oh. I didn't mean that, reba.

I'm sure it wasn't your
cookin' that drove brock away.

And all this time I thought
it was my housekeeping.

Okay, open your
eyes. What's this for?

I was thinking about that
locket that grandpa gave meemaw.

We're gonna have to have memories like
those if we're gonna last for 46 years.

Forty-six years! We'll
be, like, a hundred.

Van! Read the card.
I wrote you a poem.

"To my man whose name is van,

Lots of love, your
wife, cheyenne."

Thank you. You're welcome.

Now can I open it? Yes.

Well?

- It... It's a key chain.
- Mm-hmm.

And do you know what it's for?

No way! You got me a car?

Oh, yeah! No, no.

Van, it's a heart key chain,

Because you hold
the key to my heart.

Isn't that romantic?
Oh, yeah! [Guffawing]

Oh, you were serious?

And that, young feller, is
how you field dress a deer.

- Lunch is almost ready.
- I'm not hungry.

- [doorbell rings]
- oh, that must be brock.

He better not make my
little carrottop cry.

Hey. Hey, brock. Come on in.

mama, daddy, look who's here.

Hello, helen, j.v.

Happy anniversary.

- Fish bitin' lately?
- Nope.

- Did you try my spam trick?
- Yup.

- Didn't work?
- Caught an eight-pounder.

Did I tell you? [Laughing]

I brought you some
things from the office.

- Fuzzy floss?
- Three packs.

You old son of a g*n.
I can't stay mad at you.

Why don't you stay a while? We're
about to eat. Tie on the feed bag with us.

J.v., No. Uh, reba didn't
make enough chicken.

I told you, we got
plenty of chicken, mama.

Ah, no, I can't stay, j.v.

- Buddy of mine's
waiting out in the car.
- [barbra jean] yoo-hoo!

That's him now.

brock, honey! You forgot my pie.

Wait. Where are my manners? Hi!

I'm barbra jean!

Oh! [Laughing]

Oh, I am so pleased...

To meet you, mrs. Mckinney!

Helen. Mom.

I'm not sure what to call you.

Funny. I've thought of
so many things to call you.

Mom! Okay, "mom" it is.

Well, the sweat on the back of
my neck tells me it's time to go.

Sorry we can't stay for lunch.

Sure we can! What are we havin'?

Uh, chicken.

Well, I think I'll just take your
delightful pie into the kitchen.

[Nervous laugh]

- Mama, what'd you do that for?
- Don't tell me you were gonna
eat that woman's pie!

No, of course not,
but at least I would've

Waited till she left
before I threw it out.

How can you let her come into
your home and make a fool out of you?

[Laughs] one good thing
about barbra jean...

When you're with her, you
never feel like you're the fool.

Well, I am not gonna
eat lunch with her.

You have to! It's your
anniversary lunch.

- Then you shouldn't
have invited her!
- I didn't! Daddy did!

- Because you let him.
- [Sighs] look, mama.

For the good of the family, I have accepted
barbra jean as a reality in my life.

it's not as bad as you think.

Now, I want you to go out
there, have lunch and be civil.

- It's not gonna k*ll you.
- What if it does?

Well, then I won't have
to wear this shirt anymore.

Boy, you can tell the food
is good when no one's talkin'.

Your grandfather hates me.

Look at the way
he's holding his knife.

Don't eat too much.
Save room for my pie.

Oh, yeah. What
kind was it... Is it?

Blueberry rhubarb. I
heard it was j.v.'S favorite.

That rhubarb really
cleans out the pipes.

I understand you're a hygienist.

That must be fascinating work...
Cleaning strangers' dirty teeth all day.

Mother! Oh, sorry.

What I meant was,
what a lovely blouse!

I got it at the outlet mall,
but I added the sparkle myself.

I'm into bedazzlin'.

I love the outlet malls.

Of course, the closest one
to us is halfway to lubbock.

Two tanks of gas
to save 40 cents.

Count your blessings.
Ours is right up the street.

That's why my shoes
are different sizes.

Well, you can't tell, and I'll
bet you got a great price on 'em.

Oh, I did.

Hey, when we're done, we should
go to the mall and do some shoppin'!

What a great idea. What?

No, b.j., Don't we have to
do that... That church thing?

But mom wants to
go shoppin'. Mom?

Yeah, it's my anniversary
and I wanna go.

Come on, reba. It won't k*ll ya.

But what if it does?

Well, then I guess you won't
have to wear that shirt anymore.

- [cheyenne] hey.
- hey.

I made you somethin'.
No, thank you.

Oh, try one bite.
I made it myself.

Van, that's a twinkie.
Hostess made it.

Please!

Okay, okay.

Ohh! Eww! What is this?

Your wedding ring. Yuck.
What did you do that for?

I'm being romantic. I
saw it in a movie once.

A guy put an engagement
ring in a fortune cookie.

Van, you're supposed to
do that when you propose.

This is just gross!

- It's better than
a stupid key chain.
- What?

Nothin'.

Well, at least a key
chain is a real gift.

Well, excuse me
for being romantic.

I'm sorry if it's not as fancy
as that poem you say you wrote.

Hey, what are y'all squabblin'
about in here? I'm sorry.

Is there something
wrong with him?

No, it's...

Meemaw told us about
that locket you gave her.

We're trying to make
memories, but we suck at it.

I gave her a locket?
You don't remember?

Oh, dear. You are so in trouble.

Don't look so surprised.

Forty-six years
is a long, long...

long time.

How do you do it?
Now, here's a tip.

Stop trying.

Look, the thing that makes
a marriage last is silence.

Yesterday, we
drove nine hours...

From muleshoe to houston,

And six of 'em were
completely silent.

we're comfortable. Nobody
tries to impress the other.

Now, that's what makes
a marriage last... Silence.

- Really?
- Yeah, that and playful sex.

Oh, I'm sorry!

[helen] did you find
anything you like, reba?

Yeah. Socks.

Ten pair for a dollar.

socks? Well, you're no fun.

Maybe I'll bedazzle 'em.

Cute! Cute!

Jinx! Jinx!

♪♪ [speakers: instrumental]
oh, I love this song!

♪ R-e-s-p-e-c-t
take care, t.c.b. ♪

♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me
sock it to me, sock it to me ♪

♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me
sock it to me, sock it to me ♪

♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me
sock it to me, sock it to me ♪

♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me
sock it to me, sock it to me ♪

♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me ♪

♪ Re-re-re-re-re-re-re
respect ♪♪

♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me
sock it to me, sock it to me ♪

♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me
sock it to me, sock it to me ♪

♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me sock it
to me, sock it to me ♪ all right, stop it.

♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me sock
it to me, sock it... ♪♪ Stop it. Stop it!

What? How could
you do that with her?

I thought you told
me to be nice to her.

I meant don't
throw her pie away,

Not start a
mother-daughter lounge act!

For heaven's sakes, reba,
would you make up your mind?

Be nice to her, don't be nice to
her. What do you want from me?

I don't know, but
not... ♪ Sock it to me,

Sock it to me sock it
to me, sock it to me ♪

I'm sorry, but in my day
the rules were simpler.

A woman who slept with your
husband didn't bring you a pie.

Why don't you just
come right out and say it?

You think I'm a failure because my marriage
didn't last 46 years like yours did.

- Is that what you think?
- It's not like you've
been subtle about it.

"There's no greater
achievement in life...

Than a long, happy marriage."

Or "if you want to keep your man
happy, keep him full of chicken."

I never said "chicken."

Look, I know we may not
look like a normal family,

But in some weird way,

It's workin'.

I'm just sorry
you can't see that.

You know, the first time I saw that
woman waltz in through your front door,

I thought that you weren't
standin' up for yourself.

I wanted to defend you.

But now I see you're
lettin' her come over here...

As a sign of how strong
you are, not how weak.

Do you really
think so? Oh, yeah.

You are one strong,
stubborn mule of a woman.

Can't imagine where
I got that from.

Your daddy. Oh. Yeah.

Listen, it's clear to me that
you are doing just great.

The last thing you need is
your old mother comin' around...

Pokin' her nose
into your business,

So I am just gonna butt out.

No, don't butt out.

I'll never stop needin' a mama.

Oh, good. Good!

'Cause that chicken of
yours was a little dry.

Yup.

you know, your mama and
I are real proud of you,

But I never had any doubt
you'd hold it all together,

My little firecracker.

Thanks, daddy.

Love you. Love you too.

Bye, sweetie. Bye, mama.

Love you. Bye-bye, kids!

- Bye!
- happy anniversary! Have fun.

Boy, am I glad to
have our room back.

Mom, you didn't have to
put our beds back together.

- I didn't. Van must have done it.
- I didn't do it.

Well, then who did?

Oh, that is so sweet. Grandpa
and meemaw still love each other.

they made a memory.

In our bed.

[Both] eww! Ohh!

♪ R-e-s-p-e-c-t ♪

♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me
sock it to me, sock it to me ♪♪

Come on, helen! Shake it!

Yes, helen!